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HeldHostageonMeds: but they could also be cut off from me in the near future.


HeldHostageonMeds

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Disclaimer: This is going to be pretty long, so please only reply if you’re willing to read everything. The context is too reliant on all of the details and factors.
 
I am 24 years old, I’ve been taking Oxcarbazepine (Trileptal) 600 MG twice a day, and Sertraline (Zoloft) 200 MG once a day, since I was 14.
 
I was actually put on these in the psychiatric hospital, where I was admitted for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that was crippling my life to the point of taking hours to do things, constantly worried I wasn’t finished, wasn’t doing correctly, etc.
 
So I couldn’t really consent, my parents couldn’t even. But I wasn’t even aware that there were risks that could persist after discontinuation, or even to the extents they reach WHILE STILL MEDICATED.
 
I just learned about PSSD, and the nonsexual dysfunctions, including loss of emotions, General Anhedonia (inability to experience any kind of pleasure), lack of empathy, impaired cognitive ability, impaired memory (my short-term is bad, but long-term is good, I remember little things that nobody else does), to name the most common risks.
 
It turns out that SEX OFFENDERS are forced to take SSRIs as chemical castration, the same pills prescribed as antidepressants, which are SUPPOSED TO HELP PEOPLE. They’ve CASTRATED AND LOBOTOMIZED people!
 
About a couple of months ago, I was prescribed Bupropion SR (Wellbutrin) 100 MG for rage outbursts, which was putting my own and others people safety in danger. It actually worked GREAT, my rage has been contained, I can’t get that mad anymore, and as far as that goes, it’s a GREAT RELIEF. I was literally so filled with rage that I threatened to kill, I literally got that mad. So in regards to THAT, Bupropion SR saved my (and potentially others) life.
 
About a month ago, my psychiatrist asked me if I was still experiencing any depression, anxiety, anger, etc. As a human being, of course I was! That’s NORMAL! But the drugs I take had my emotions more rational than extreme. But, immediately after answering yes, he said "OK let's double that to 200 MG, so take 2 of those a day.
 
This is where everything came crashing down (or at least made me aware that everything would be crashing down in the near future). A few days after, I was, masturbating, and my penis was completely numb. This is what led me to Googling, and I learned about PSSD, and all of the other long-term/permanent risks of post-SSRI. I've been on these drugs for ten years, and just learned about the risks a month ago, BECAUSE I experienced a serious side effect. The numb penis only happened that once, somehow, but it got weirder. I was having orgasms that were actually strong, for once, but still barely felt anything. Like, my entire lower body would violently shake (which is good) but the orgasm itself still barely felt like anything at all. My libido went WAY down.
 
I called my doctor, he said go back to 100 MG (I didn't mention the sexual side effects, just the increased anxiety that I was also happened (not only related to the sexual side effects).
 
About a week later, I did seem to return to baseline (how I was before taking 200 MG of Bupropion SR, 100 MG did nothing but HELP me, 200 MG seemed to be too much, sure, stronger orgasms, but what good is that if it doesn't actually feel better?).
 
I'm still now fully aware that if, or when I quit taking these drugs, even with a really slow taper (some people say a really slow taper doesn't prevent PSSD, including the nonsexual risks, of course) that I'm likely to completely lose my sexuality, and all of the other risks as well (including ability to love, I forgot to mention that risk earlier) because I've already experienced all of the risks to some extent (everything seems boring sometimes, I have morbid thoughts and struggle to feel empathy, I'm kind of mentally slow, I'm almost always tired, I've never had a MIND BLOWING ORGASM, and my penis has barely ever felt a lot of stimulation).
 
I have never had a girlfriend, or sex, but I was extremely looking forward to giving that a shot later on. I (regretfully, because the effects of 200 MG Bupropion SR) ironically happened just the day after) kept telling myself that I wished I could lose my sexuality because no women would ever want me because of how ugly I am (been told that a lot), and I just failed at life, I fell too far behind, and don't even have any interests that stick, if they do they're not strong enough to be PASSION THAT DRIVES ME, more like passive interests. Motivation, drive, don't really have that, and it comes across as me not caring, which has caused family to get mad at me, thinking I'm just lazy and careless, and because I don't express emotion, but that doesn't mean I don't care, I've just never been comfortable showing much emotion.
 
I was bullied in grade school, by, everyone, pretty much, so life wasn't even good before. And finding out that because of drugs I was given but couldn't consent to (and not even made aware of risks, hell because I was in the hospital, I HAD to take them, I was also desperate from relief, not even just OCD, but chronic pure terror anxiety I had) I may lose all sense of being a human being.
 
I already feel unworthy of sex, and love, I feel like I'm not even a human being. If I end up completely castrated and lobotomized, I really WON'T be a human being anymore. And my loser status will just be reinforced and confirmed.
 
I've read about some REALLY severe cases of PSSD, and the other nonsexual effects, people COMPLETELY devoid of any and all emotional, and even physical feeling, even being left with their brain unable to react to ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL.
 
I'm almost 25, never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never had many friends, never had a REAL job (and have struggled functioning/performing well enough for some of those low level jobs even), still can't drive (improved a lot, but still not good enough, and honestly still feel unsafe, but not driving has robbed me of years of my life, and still strains it, even with the availability of Uber and Lyft now, it still gets really expensive, and that's living in a decently urban area, but no transit). I just started community college, made no friends, nobody really talks to me, I feel like I don't have a solid goal (but joined anyway because something was kind of interesting, and I was not making any real progress in life and years just kept going by).
 
Not driving at my age (and not living in a metropolis) is a huge insecurity for me, which makes me self-isolate more, my family made sure to make me feel low about that, and they succeeded. 
 
But even if I succeeded at everything, in less than two years, I will legally be kicked off of my parents insurance (parents don't have a say in it when the child turns 26, the insurance company kicks them off) and I'm not confident that I will be able to obtain, or maintain my own health insurance. I hate the whole health insurance system, I think America needs Universal Health Care, because Health Care should be a right, especially after finding out how dangerous the drugs that millions of people were put on are, and being cut off basically makes you brain dead. And people dying because they can't afford healthcare is so wrong, veterans or not, old or young, it doesn't matter.
 
Besides getting to experience sex and a loving girlfriend/wife, one of the things at the top of my bucket list is tripping on psychedelics, something that isn't even possible while on SSRIs, because the brain sees them (at least LSD) as serotonin, preventing the brain from absorbing it.
 
Being put on such mind altering drugs at such a young age, is even more dangerous, because the human brain doesn't even finish developing until age 25 (and even a fully developed brain is at high risk of damage from these drugs). I didn't even get to go through puberty before being drugged, I wonder if that is related to the numb orgasms and still having a high pitched voice as a 24 year old male. I can't stay still either, I'm always moving or twitching parts of my body, it's too physically uncomfortable to stay completely still, and it's gotten me in trouble before, but I can't help it.  
 
I have trouble understanding "basic things", which is seen as "not listening" and "not caring" but my brain just gets confused and flips things around, and I'm constantly worried about doing things wrong, because I was always criticized growing up, I may have improved on that a little, but still have it somewhat.......
 
I found something called GoodRX, which makes drugs cheaper, but they're not guaranteed to be on there, and doctor visits are still required to have refills approved, and there's no way to doctor visits discounted (without health insurance).
 
I think the American healthcare system is very corrupt, it puts pricetags on people's lives and wellbeing (we're not even all able to get tested for the coronavirus FFS) but it is how it is. The alt-right believe in eugenics and want people like me to suffer and/or die if we can't play the game by their rules.
 
Even if I went on disability, that's worse stigma, doesn't pay much, and limits how much you're allowed to work.
 
I'm almost 25, and my life is close to either being paused even longer, and losing even many more years, I honestly feel I would be best off just dying now.
 
Most doctors don't even believe in PSSD or the other long-term risks of SSRIs, one person even reported that their doctor told them "You will get better when you CHOOSE to get better" and another doctor told them to not bother talking about it, because no doctor will believe it.
 
And drug tests actually show this stuff, but they don't release those test results so they can get approved and make more money anyway.
 
Capitalism has gotten way too extreme, and it does need limits, it's ruining, and ending, people's lives.
 
I feel so isolated, like I always have, it's like I don't even exist, or I'm just a background prop.
Edited by manymoretodays
moved from symptoms and self care, title altered to include user name

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to held hostage on meds: but they could also be cut off from me in the near future.
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi, HeldHostage,

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

There are many people on this site on went on these drugs while young. I was 17 and stayed on them for nearly 30 years before coming off, and I'm healing slowly but nicely. You'll find many accounts of recovery here:

 

Success Stories: Recovery from withdrawal

 

For more on PSSD, please see:

 

PSSD Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction

 

For more on OCD, please see:

 

Obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD: Repetitive intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors

 

While some of the rage and anger is legitimate, some of that may be coming from the drugs. Please see:

 

Neuro-emotions

 

This is a great post about handling your emotions, so they don't spiral out of control:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Here is some information on withdrawal to get you started: 

 

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

 

Healing from antidepressants. Patterns of recovery video (4 minutes)

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements, as many members report their nervous systems are simply too fragile to handle them. However, magnesium and fish oil tend to be calming to the nervous system and many people report they do help. Please only add in one supplement at a time and at a small dose. For more, please see:

 

 King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

  • Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
  • Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
  • Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
  • Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
  • A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
  • This is a direct link to your signature:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

Please continue to use this thread to document your taper and to ask questions. 

 

 

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On 3/20/2020 at 5:05 PM, HeldHostageonMeds said:

About a couple of months ago, I was prescribed Bupropion SR (Wellbutrin) 100 MG for rage outbursts, which was putting my own and others people safety in danger. It actually worked GREAT, my rage has been contained, I can’t get that mad anymore, and as far as that goes, it’s a GREAT RELIEF. I was literally so filled with rage that I threatened to kill, I literally got that mad. So in regards to THAT, Bupropion SR saved my (and potentially others) life.

 

Welcome to SA!

 

That's interesting, My rage outbursts were a result of Wellbutrin Withdrawal.  Wellbutrin is a Brain Stimulant. I'm interested in what the Doctor's theory was behind believing that particular drug would be efficacious for that particular issue.  I never had issues of wanting to scream to throw things or kill people until Wellbutrin withdrawal. And we know the unfortunate reality of young men who did not become violent UNTIL medicated.  As Shep's post pointed out rage and drugs can be related. I'm interesting in seeing your drug history when You are able to get it up, to see if those Outbursts were a result of other medications and or timed around other withdrawals.  Because You have been mediated since 14, it's hard to have a "Baseline Normal" for Your brain.

 

On 3/20/2020 at 5:05 PM, HeldHostageonMeds said:

never had a REAL job (and have struggled functioning/performing well enough for some of those low level jobs even), still can't drive (improved a lot, but still not good enough, and honestly still feel unsafe, but not driving has robbed me of years of my life, and still strains it, even with the availability of Uber and Lyft now, it still gets really expensive, and that's living in a decently urban area, but no transit). I just started community college, made no friends, nobody really talks to me, I feel like I don't have a solid goal (but joined anyway because something was kind of interesting, and I was not making any real progress in life and years just kept going by).

 

This is the sad reality for many people who were drugged so early and often.  As You said, the "Chemical Lobotomy" effects of these drugs so young has "assigned" many people to a life of lower functioning and inability to hold what they would consider more meaningful employment.  The great news is You are still very young, all things considered.  With a well planned taper, You should be able to eventually get the rest of Your life back.  The unfortunate side effects are a reality for now.  I realize at only 24, a 5 year plan may seem like an eternity.  Thus the all or nothing mindset of just being "better off dying now".  But you in reality, have Your entire life ahead of You.  Many people don't marry until 30 or 35, and go on to have a few children and a contented mid life and old age.

 

Also, what is your fear about the meds not being available when you are "cut off" insurance in 2 years, many drug companies have plans available to help continue.  Or, You may have to go out on, atleast temporarily disability to receive medicaid or medicare.  I realize Your worried about stigma, but in reality that's the least of Your worries at this point.  Doing a well planned taper is more important than Your fears of what others may think of You.  And to be honest?  If you have been dealing with this for this long, your not "hiding" your condition from anyone.  The issue is just why are you this way.  Your coming to understand it's the drugs, not some "condition", but You can't let the fact that other people don't understand that yet rule your decisions.  You have to do what's best for your long term health, whether other people understand it, and regardless of if they end up assigning a negative tag to you. 

 

That is all part of growing up into adulthood and taking responsibility for yourself and your own self care: not allowing your decisions to be pressured or ruled by peer pressure from friends or family, or being "worried" about a stigma, but doing what you know is best for you, and let the chips fall where they may on how people look at You.  The disability "Stigma" is really the least of Your long term worries, considering just how sick you "could" become if you rush a taper. But Your getting ahead of Yourself.  If you truly want to get off the medications, the Mods can work with You.  It won't be over night, but You have plenty of time to make progress before You need to worry about insurance. 

 

As for the side effects, the good news is some of them diminish once the over all drug level is reduced. Many people find they do not need to be completely off before they start to abate.  As long as either the WD or side effects is not making sex painful for you, the fact that it isn't as pleasurable as You wish is, again, the least of Your worries.  I know that sounds like an awful thing to say, but if Your still single and not in a long term relationship, it is not going to make Your situation worse for right now.  The lack of pleasure is better than experiencing horrific neurological issues.  The good news is, at least from what You posted, not yet Your situation.  

 

Once the Mods have a full history, and know Your intention on whether you truly want to move forward, they can help formulate a plan and the rest of us can be here to support You.  

 

On 3/20/2020 at 5:05 PM, HeldHostageonMeds said:

Besides getting to experience sex and a loving girlfriend/wife, one of the things at the top of my bucket list is tripping on psychedelics, something that isn't even possible while on SSRIs,

 

Oh... And I hope you were kidding.  This isn't a site to help get You off legal drugs so You can experience the rapturous effects of illegal ones.

And You should be warned that will make Your condition worse in the long run, any alcohol or drugs...

 

 

 Starting ds 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG PAXIL CR 1/21/15: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18/15 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1/15 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14/15 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29/15 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24/15 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1/15 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13/15 10 mg.  12/3/15 Drop from 8mg to 7.6 (24 days to) 12/27/15 7.2mgs 8/4/16 6.8mgs,  11/1/16 6.4mgs, 2/5/17 6 mgs  4/3/17 5.6mgs, 4/24/17 5.2mg, 6/13/17 4.8mgs, 9/20/17 4.4mgS, 11/23/17 4 mgs, 1/1/18 3.6 mgs, 2/15/18 3.2 mgs. 4/13/18 2.8mgs, 5/11/18 2.4mgs, 6/10/18 2.0 mgs, 8/4/18 1.6mgs,  9/27/18 1.2mgs, 12/24/18 0.8mg, 3/24/19 0.64 mg,(syringe change issue date?) 4/22/19 0.60 mg, 5/24/19 0.60 mg, 7/7/19 0.52 mgs, 8/4/19 0.44mgs, 11/4/19 0.36mgs, 2/1/20 0.28mgs, 3/1/20 0.24mgs (crash April 6) Compound started 6/28/21: 0.24mgs, 8/29/21: 0.22mgs, 10/31/21: 0.20mgs, 1/03/22: 0.18mgs, 3/5/22: 0.16mgs, 5/5/22: 0.14mgs.

 

Original Wellbutrin Dose: 6 months from 9/14 to 3/2015, 300 XL 3/15/15: Half to 150 XL ( severe symptoms started on day 12) 4/16/15: 125mg   for 20 days to: 5/6/15:   100mg  for  15 days to: 5/21/15    75mg  for  10 days to: 6/1/15:  56.25mg      13 days to: 6/13/15: 37.25mg    7 days to: 6/20/15  28.12mg   14 days to: 7/4/15  18.75mg, 7 days to: 7/11/15; RAISE BACK TO: 28.12 to 8/14/15: 18.75mg  20 days to :9/3/15 : 12.5mg, 8/4/16 9mg 1/9/17: 8.5mg 2/8/17 8mg, 3/9/17: 7.6  4/9/17  7.2  5/27/17 6.4 6/24/17 5.8, 8/1/17 5.0, 8/29/17 4.2mgs, 10/2/17 3.5mgs, 12/28/17 2.5mgs, 2/27/18 1.7mgs,  4/19/18 0.8 mgs, LAST DOSE: 6/11/18:  3 YEARS, 2 MONTHS, 27 DAYS...

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  • Altostrata changed the title to HeldHostageonMeds: but they could also be cut off from me in the near future.
  • Administrator

Welcome, HeldHostage.

 

Are you also seeing a psychotherapist? It may be that some of your life circumstances legitimately make you angry. You also need coaching in taking care of yourself so that you can move forward towards what you want rather than feeling trapped and frustrated.

 

You are worrying about things that may not come to pass. You may not lose health insurance, you may not develop PSSD if you minimize your drugs. You may acquire friends. You may get a job. You may have a whole new life. The US may get a truly national health care system.

 

One of the very common adverse effects of long-term SSRIs such as Zoloft and other psychiatric drugs is emotional anesthesia and demotivation. It sounds like you might be affected by this. Minimizing the drug dosages -- rather than increasing them, as your psychiatrist did -- may help.

 

You may be a different person from who you were at 14 and you may not have OCD now at all. Or, you may be able to manage such tendencies without drugs.

 

As this is a site for tapering psychiatric drugs, we can help you minimize them if that's what you want to do. We cannot offer psychotherapy here.

 

What would you like to do?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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I forgot to mention a few other side effects I have.

 

At 24, I have a high pitched voice for a male. The really weird part is that my voice has gone through periods of being deep, but instead of that being the beginning of progression to a man’s voice, my finalized voice is high pitched. I suspect that this may be due to being drugged so young, before I could even go through puberty (I was already a late bloomer).

 

I can never stay still, and I constantly repeat things in my head for no reason other than to hear it in my head? I guess? My brain will replay what was said, or the sound made, over and over until I properly hear it, or my brain gets distracted by something else and the repeating dies out. I feel like it’s safe to say this is at least somewhat OCD related? Maybe ADD too (diagnosed with that years before OCD).

 

I count syllables in my head in a really specific way. The numbers must each be one syllable themselves, so that they correspond to the number of syllables. For example, seven gets shortened to “SEV”, and eleven gets shortened to “LEV”. 
 

My mind is constantly noisy, and my elbow (mostly the right one) constantly twitching/moving away/out, and my thumbs are constantly twitching (popping the joints in them).

 

I actually took ROTC in high school (enjoyed it, but because of OCD I couldn’t go into the real military, and needing medication, that was going to be my escape from the life I had, and to feel that I’d done something with my life, as well as hopefully cure my obsessions and delusions, which really just worsens symptoms for people with conditions who manage to sneak through the cracks).

 

So, one day in ROTC, a real drill instructor came to visit, and give us a sample of the real boot camp experience. 
 

My OCD made me freak out about the spit flying in my face from him yelling in my face (he did this to everyone), but the bigger concern was my inability to physically stand still.

 

He kept telling me to stop moving and stand still, but I literally couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, so he sent me back to the classroom. It felt bad, but I was honestly trying my best to follow orders. I can’t even keep myself still while I type this right now.

 

I went through a period of complete isolation after high school due to not having transportation and parents who refused to drugs me into town, even on their way to work. Two years, I thought about trying to get some acid (LSD) Online, but knew I’d most likely get arrested if I even tried. I was SO desperate to escape reality, being SO lonely, and alone. 
 

I never got any drugs, but did severely detach from reality, full of conspiracy theories, and even now, living in a developed place of civilization, the memories and paranoia still haunt me, and despite being surrounded by people all the time, I’m still socially isolated, I can’t relate to anyone younger than me, or my own age. 
 

My family conditioned me to not feel good enough without being able to do all the things adults are supposed to do at my age. I fell very behind.

 

Nobody bullies me here, that was all left behind in grade school in the town I grew up in. But, I still can’t socialize very well. I’ve been made well aware by my own family, not that I’m not already aware.

 

Reality is crashing down on me, I missed out on youth, and future years are in jeopardy because of my dependency drugs.

 

When I turn 26, my parents health insurance will kick me off, and my parents won’t even have the option of keeping me on their plan. And here in America, your health and life have a price tag, and it’s never a low price.

 

If you’re in a life or death emergency situation, sure, the hospitals will treat you and save you then, but they’ll bill you afterwards, likely putting you into debt for the rest of your life, at which point they’ll try to pin it on somebody else in your family.

 

Disabled people are jokes to be laughed at and made fun of, not people to be helped. At least, that’s the way in extremist capitalist America.

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 

4 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I feel like it’s safe to say this is at least somewhat OCD related? Maybe ADD too (diagnosed with that years before OCD).

 

Where you ever on drugs to "treat" so-called ADD, such as stimulants?

 

Two requests:

 

      1. Please start a daily drug and symptoms journal that lists when you take each of your drugs and your symptoms throughout the day.  Here is the format:

 

            Drug and Symptoms Journal

 

      2. Please add specific dates to your signature instead of "about 10 years ago." 

 

 

As you provide your daily drug and symptoms journal, we can help you set up a taper. 

 

 

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  • Administrator

Have you ever worked with a therapist on ways to manage repetitive thoughts? Cognitive Behavior Therapy can be very effective for this.

 

Some of your fears, such as having a high-pitched voice, are probably groundless and you can abandon them.

 

To go off psychiatric drugs, you'll have to learn to manage any psychological problems you have so you don't go back on the drugs for them. We don't offer psychotherapy here. Some people teach themselves these techniques.

 

As you've been on psychiatric drugs for so long, you may need to consider "unpatienting yourself" -- stop thinking of yourself as a bundle of symptoms that need to be treated with drugs, think of yourself as a normal person with life problems you can learn to manage.

 

If and only if you want to go off drugs, we'd like to take a look at your daily drug schedule and symptom pattern. Is the moving around more intense at any particular times of day?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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On 3/23/2020 at 4:38 AM, Shep said:

 

 

Where you ever on drugs to "treat" so-called ADD, such as stimulants?

 

Two requests:

 

      1. Please start a daily drug and symptoms journal that lists when you take each of your drugs and your symptoms throughout the day.  Here is the format:

 

            Drug and Symptoms Journal

 

      2. Please add specific dates to your signature instead of "about 10 years ago." 

 

 

As you provide your daily drug and symptoms journal, we can help you set up a taper. 

I know it was 2011, because I remember asking my mom to DVR new episodes of South Park for me, and I even remember the exact episode, “The Last of the Meheecans” was the first one I missed after being hospitalized. Wikipedia says this episode premiered October 12, 2011. 
 

I was in a short-term “traditional” psychiatric hospital for I think less than a week (I want to say 4 days for some reason) before being transferred to a longer-term facility, which was much less like a hospital, “less restricted”, obviously you still got locked in and they’d chase you if you ran (I tried once, I only didn’t get tackled because I stopped when my shoe flew off).

 

It was more like a camp, a resort maybe. I remember experiencing TRIPLE VISION when starting my meds (for some reason I remember blaming it on the Trileptal, even though I’m pretty sure I was put on the Zoloft at the same time) which went away soon after, but for some reason, sometime after returning home after three months, at SOME POINT the triple vision returned for a short period of time, then I never had it again.

 

So, while I can’t give an exact date, I feel like it’s probably safe too day October 2011, mid or late in the month. 
 

It’s funny how South Park, am exact episode, is how I remembered this (and thanks to Wikipedia for the air date).

 

I guess it’s safe time add October 2011 to the signature?

 

And actually, before being hospitalized and put on my current meds (minus the Bupropion SR which was added a couple months ago) I actually did take Adderall for ADD. From Googling around, it seems I had a rare reaction. 
 

I had a weird episode where I was being controlled by something else, felt like a demonic possession. Weirdly I recall this happening BEFORE being put on Adderall, but what I AM CERTAIN OF is I had one more (MUCH LESS SEVERE, but still terrifying) “demonic attack” episode, but the entire time I was on Adderall, I was constantly stuck in terror, feeling like the attacks would happen at anytime (only ever the two) with somewhat frequent short breaks where the feeling was absent.

 

One of the highlights was I would always get terrified and feel a “demonic attack” coming on when I looked into the mirror, ESPECIALLY when it was when I woke up in the middle of the night.

 

Today, I have occasional “flashbacks” of the feeling, but quitting Adderall really got rid of the “demons”. 
 

I do remember being extremely stressed before that first episode, so for all I know, it was just some kind of panic attack triggered for severe stress. 
 

Much more recently, I’ve experienced seeing nightmarish evil creatures, in my head, but not visible with my eyes.

 

This didn’t last very long, but it took place in weirdass dreams, and then envisioning this creepy ass creature literally inside of my head, that was meant to be some kind of demon causing the nightmares. I didn’t go back to sleep that night.

 

While seeing evil hellish creatures in my mind only lasted briefly in such severity to where it really felt so vivid and real (yes, while fully awake) I still get them, usually when walking into my room. But they don’t feel so vivid or real anymore. I even flip them off and curse them out, proving to myself that they’re not real threats.

 

Becauss of these dreams and visions, my doctor wanted to leave my meds alone. I am planning on finally bringing up sexual side effects next visit, but it is really sensitive and embarrassing, and if it’s really a case of anything long-term or permanent (PSSD) then EVEN IF the doctor doesn’t dismiss it like thousands of other PSSD sufferers report, there will be nothing they can do. Other than mess with my meds, which can just speed up the proceeds of bringing on the long-term/permanent damages in full form.

 

I’m also negatively affected by my feelings of worthlessness. No girl ever wanted me, and no woman definitely wants me now, I can’t even function on my own. 
 

Im worried about losing my sexuality, which I’ve never even been able to use, and feel unworthy of ever getting to.

 

As for self-pleasure, it’s so underwhelming and weak when I ejaculate, and has been for years.

 

Bupropion seems to have added orgasmic strength, but not added actual pleasure. 
 

I just wanted to experience normal human experiences.

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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On 3/23/2020 at 1:38 PM, Altostrata said:

Have you ever worked with a therapist on ways to manage repetitive thoughts? Cognitive Behavior Therapy can be very effective for this.

 

Some of your fears, such as having a high-pitched voice, are probably groundless and you can abandon them.

 

To go off psychiatric drugs, you'll have to learn to manage any psychological problems you have so you don't go back on the drugs for them. We don't offer psychotherapy here. Some people teach themselves these techniques.

 

As you've been on psychiatric drugs for so long, you may need to consider "unpatienting yourself" -- stop thinking of yourself as a bundle of symptoms that need to be treated with drugs, think of yourself as a normal person with life problems you can learn to manage.

 

If and only if you want to go off drugs, we'd like to take a look at your daily drug schedule and symptom pattern. Is the moving around more intense at any particular times of day?

I’m also worried about OCD returning to how it was 10 years ago if I taper off/discontinue, aside from PSSD and the other long-term/potentially permanent damages.

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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  • Moderator Emeritus
7 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I guess it’s safe time add October 2011 to the signature?

 

Yes, please add that date. 

 

7 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I’m also worried about OCD returning to how it was 10 years ago if I taper off/discontinue, aside from PSSD and the other long-term/potentially permanent damages.

 

Whether or not you'll want to taper these drugs is up to you. If you're more comfortable staying on them, please join a website dedicated to helping people who wish to take psychiatric drugs. Websites like depressionforums.org  or patientslikeme.com are for people who take these drugs. You could also contact the local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) group in your area. 

 

Please let us know if you're interested in tapering. 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
6 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I’m also worried about OCD returning to how it was 10 years ago if I taper off/discontinue, aside from PSSD and the other long-term/potentially permanent damages.

 

- As Altostrata said, a taper isn't just a matter of weaning off drugs, but also a lot of learning about ourselves and about selfcare tips.

If you take a look at the "Symptoms and selfcare" section, you'll find a lot of interesting tips and tools ;)

 

- About the "long-term/potentially permanent damages" : the reason of a very slow taper is to avoid such damages, and to give time to our CNS to heal.

 

Again, as Altostrata said : you're a normal person. A normal person which CNS'chemistry got used to function with drugs for many years : it will take Time and Selfcare practice to be drugfree, but it can be done.

 

Take care ❤️

2006 : 20mg Paxil+Bromazepam. 2008 : cold turkey of both. 2010 : Reinstatement 20mg Paxil + Bromazepam.

2014-June2017 : Switch from Bromazepam to Prazepam, slow taper to 0mg.

2018 to August 2019 : Paxil 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). 22 Aug 2019 updose to 10mg (was at 8.4mg).

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paxil. 

April 2020 : Paxil 10mg to Prozac 7mg bridge. Details topic/21457

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate + fish oil

Current medication :

* 7pm Diazepam  : 0.85mg (15 Aug 2022) / 0.95 mg (24 April 2022) / 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020)

* 8am Prozac : 6.16mg (25 oct 2022, feel awful, slight updose) / 6.08 mg (9 oct 2022) / 6.24mg (11 July 22) / 6.44mg (22 May 22) / 6.64mg (4 Nov 21) / 6.72mg (8 oct 21) / 6.8 mg (15 Sept 21)6.88mg (14 Aug 21)/ 6.92mg (23 Jun 21)

 

I am not a professional, I don't give medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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7 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Yes, please add that date. 

 

 

Whether or not you'll want to taper these drugs is up to you. If you're more comfortable staying on them, please join a website dedicated to helping people who wish to take psychiatric drugs. Websites like depressionforums.org  or patientslikeme.com are for people who take these drugs. You could also contact the local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) group in your area. 

 

Please let us know if you're interested in tapering. 

How do I get to the signature page?

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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  • Administrator
15 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I’m also worried about OCD returning to how it was 10 years ago if I taper off/discontinue, aside from PSSD and the other long-term/potentially permanent damages.

 

It's up to you to make a decision about whether you want to minimize your drugs. If you believe you need them to control your symptoms, you are not ready to taper at this time.

 

Think seriously about how you can manage your symptoms without drugs.

 

If you decide you want to taper, we can help you with that, but you have to take responsibility to manage ANY symptoms that may result from lowering dosage of your drugs.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

It's up to you to make a decision about whether you want to minimize your drugs. If you believe you need them to control your symptoms, you are not ready to taper at this time.

 

Think seriously about how you can manage your symptoms without drugs.

 

If you decide you want to taper, we can help you with that, but you have to take responsibility to manage ANY symptoms that may result from lowering dosage of your drugs.

What about the risk of long-term/permanent sexual dysfunction? Loss of libido, genital anesthesia, pleasureless orgasm, emotional numbing, impaired cognition, Anhedonia, etc.? 
 

I think I’ll get them severely because I experience all of these to some extent WHILE ON THEM, and been taking such high dosages for 10 whole years.

 

I shouldn’t have to lose my humanity and lose natural human functions because of medication I couldn’t even consent to when I was 14!

 

I know I have no real use for sexuality since I’m not desirable, but I was really looking forward to putting real effort into attracting women after getting other life stuff sort out.

 

Losing sexual pleasure and functionality before I can lose my virginity? That’s already hell enough. But even worse than that, I can become completely disabled and no longer be a human, and be unable to experience any kind of pleasure, and become REALLY mentally impaired, I’m already unable to function at the level I should be at my age.

 

I can’t do what my family wants, what society wants, or even what I want! 
 

I’ve waited long enough, almost 25 years old, and I’m constantly reminded that once I turn 26, I’m on my own for health insurance, and my dad lets me know that if I made him mad enough he could cut me off now.

 

I’m not going to live for another 10 or 20 more years for THE CHANCE of finally being able to feel human, be mentally healthy enough that some women might want to date me, that I can actually MAKE LOVE AND FEEL PLEASURE FROM IT, and feel that all of my suffering up until NOW paid off and I’m finally happy and at least get to enjoy enjoy life starting from the second half of my 20s, or even 30s at the very least.

 

I’ve never been so alone in my life, because I’m not my age mentally, and now reality is falling apart and becoming a complete torturous hell for me.

 

If I talk to my psychiatrist or see a therapist and really open up, and they decide I need to go to a psychiatric hospital, then I’ll probably just be drugged even worse, I have very little trust for doctors anymore, they don’t give enough information of risks to truly consent to medication.

 

And nobody under 18 should be put on such dangerous drugs, and EVEN FOR ADULTS, drugs should NEVER be a first resort, they should be the LAST RESORT, and all potential long-term risks THAT CAN PERSIST OR WORSEN AFTER DISCONTINUATION SHOULD BE COMMUNICATED!!!!

 

After the temporary increase of Bupropion, I ejaculate way less. I actually ejaculated a large volume before, and I never thought of my orgasmic power as a problem either. 
 

Before my Bupropion was doubled, I was just fine in sexual regards. I actually felt like if I could get life **** straight that I could be happy.

 

But until then (just a couple of months ago) I had no idea that these risks even existed, and I’ve been taking them for 10 years. 
 

I can’t help but wonder what that kid would have been like if he was allowed to grow up drug free, maybe just put in serious therapy, BUT NO DRUGS.

 

But that kid was killed with drugs, and replaced with me, some mutated version of him.

 

He might have had a chance, I think he might have grown up to be quirky AND EXPRESSIVE, and people like that find social belonging.

 

Even if I could sue and actually won millions of dollars, there is no cure.

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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1 hour ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

What about the risk of long-term/permanent sexual dysfunction? Loss of libido, genital anesthesia, pleasureless orgasm, emotional numbing, impaired cognition, Anhedonia, etc.? 

 

What about it? That's not something in either Your or Our control to help You with.

Are You here to take the first steps to becoming a responsible adult who takes responsibility for His decisions, one day at a time,  so He can become a productive member of society to the best of His ability?  Or are You just here to complain about not having pleasure and how unfair that is?

 

1 hour ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I’m not going to live for another 10 or 20 more years for THE CHANCE of finally being able to feel human, be mentally healthy enough that some women might want to date me, that I can actually MAKE LOVE AND FEEL PLEASURE FROM IT, and feel that all of my suffering up until NOW paid off and I’m finally happy and at least get to enjoy enjoy life starting from the second half of my 20s, or even 30s at the very least.

 

So what are you going to live the next 10 to 20 years for? Leave sex out of it.  What are you going to do with Your life?  Do You have any plans out side of seeking pleasure for it's own sake?  Any plans on being a responsible person who helps others and works to help society and others worse off then Himself.? 

 

1 hour ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

 

I can’t help but wonder what that kid would have been like if he was allowed to grow up drug free, maybe just put in serious therapy, BUT NO DRUGS.

 

 

Unfortunately, we'll never know.  And I do appreciate that being medicated since 14, your brain hasn't matured, and Your still "thinking" like Your 14.  Like you said, your not Your age mentally.  But that's outside our control as well.  All we can offer You, is assistance with a Taper plan.  I don't see You interested in that just yet.  I see someone who's very upset (rightfully so), but not one interested in moving forward to take control of His physical and mental health.  I only see someone obsessed with experiencing sexual pleasure and worrying that You can't.  But there's more important things in life than sex.

 

As the moderator told you:

 

 11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

"It's up to you to make a decision about whether you want to minimize your drugs. If you believe you need them to control your symptoms, you are not ready to taper at this time. Think seriously about how you can manage your symptoms without drugs.If you decide you want to taper, we can help you with that, but you have to take responsibility to manage ANY symptoms that may result from lowering dosage of your drugs."

 

If your not able to do so at this time, you may find either depressionforums.org  or patientslikeme.com a better place for you.

 

I'm sorry You are in this position, I really am. But I don't see any indication from You that You WANT the type of help we try to offer here.

Do you want to taper?  Or do You just "need" a place to vent and complain?  If You just need to "talk" but aren't interested in tapering, please try one of the other great help sites.

Good luck!

 

 

 

 Starting ds 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG PAXIL CR 1/21/15: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18/15 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1/15 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14/15 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29/15 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24/15 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1/15 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13/15 10 mg.  12/3/15 Drop from 8mg to 7.6 (24 days to) 12/27/15 7.2mgs 8/4/16 6.8mgs,  11/1/16 6.4mgs, 2/5/17 6 mgs  4/3/17 5.6mgs, 4/24/17 5.2mg, 6/13/17 4.8mgs, 9/20/17 4.4mgS, 11/23/17 4 mgs, 1/1/18 3.6 mgs, 2/15/18 3.2 mgs. 4/13/18 2.8mgs, 5/11/18 2.4mgs, 6/10/18 2.0 mgs, 8/4/18 1.6mgs,  9/27/18 1.2mgs, 12/24/18 0.8mg, 3/24/19 0.64 mg,(syringe change issue date?) 4/22/19 0.60 mg, 5/24/19 0.60 mg, 7/7/19 0.52 mgs, 8/4/19 0.44mgs, 11/4/19 0.36mgs, 2/1/20 0.28mgs, 3/1/20 0.24mgs (crash April 6) Compound started 6/28/21: 0.24mgs, 8/29/21: 0.22mgs, 10/31/21: 0.20mgs, 1/03/22: 0.18mgs, 3/5/22: 0.16mgs, 5/5/22: 0.14mgs.

 

Original Wellbutrin Dose: 6 months from 9/14 to 3/2015, 300 XL 3/15/15: Half to 150 XL ( severe symptoms started on day 12) 4/16/15: 125mg   for 20 days to: 5/6/15:   100mg  for  15 days to: 5/21/15    75mg  for  10 days to: 6/1/15:  56.25mg      13 days to: 6/13/15: 37.25mg    7 days to: 6/20/15  28.12mg   14 days to: 7/4/15  18.75mg, 7 days to: 7/11/15; RAISE BACK TO: 28.12 to 8/14/15: 18.75mg  20 days to :9/3/15 : 12.5mg, 8/4/16 9mg 1/9/17: 8.5mg 2/8/17 8mg, 3/9/17: 7.6  4/9/17  7.2  5/27/17 6.4 6/24/17 5.8, 8/1/17 5.0, 8/29/17 4.2mgs, 10/2/17 3.5mgs, 12/28/17 2.5mgs, 2/27/18 1.7mgs,  4/19/18 0.8 mgs, LAST DOSE: 6/11/18:  3 YEARS, 2 MONTHS, 27 DAYS...

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What Your experiencing is 2 things.

 

1. Coming to terms with what You see is the "loss" of 10 years of Your life, and the side effects of the medications, and legitimately grieving the unfortunate issues.

But Because Your still young, Your both:

A. Making a "Catastrophic"  situation out of something that is truly unfortunate, but not the end of the world, with the temper tantrum that sometimes accompany the lack of maturity.

B. Failing to see the Long term situation, as young people usually tend to do, not being able to see the bigger picture.

 

I also wonder if what Your experiencing is partially a side affect of the new medication, the Bupropion  that can make young men very angry and explosive.

If Your feeling these emotions much stronger lately in the last few months, it could be that new medication.

I think if You could taper off that new medication, and get back to what You were on before January, you may notice You settle back down a bit, and then You will be in a better position to rationally decide a plan going forward.

 

But I don't know you well enough to know if Your getting worse because of the aggression that can come from the Bupropion, or if Your just normally this angry and having a tantrum of a 14 year old.  But it seems some of the things your complaining about only started since January, so I don't see why You wouldn't want to make a plan to get off it.

Instead You just ignoring the moderators questions and continuing to complain.

 

The good news is things are not as bad as Your emotions are telling You they are.

Your still alive for one.  Many teenagers die before the age of 14, their entire life truly taken from them.

Others wake up on day at 14, and before the end of the day their a paraplegic with no ability to move from the neck down, stuck in a wheelchair.

Those are the people who's lives are truly over.  They wish they had a 5 to 10 year plan option like You do, but they don't.

They would love to have the "hope" that by the age of 30-35, they could walk and talk and marry and spend the last 40 years of their life normal, like You can...

IF You choose to get  hold of Your self and move forward a little bit at a time.

 

 

 

 Starting ds 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG PAXIL CR 1/21/15: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18/15 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1/15 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14/15 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29/15 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24/15 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1/15 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13/15 10 mg.  12/3/15 Drop from 8mg to 7.6 (24 days to) 12/27/15 7.2mgs 8/4/16 6.8mgs,  11/1/16 6.4mgs, 2/5/17 6 mgs  4/3/17 5.6mgs, 4/24/17 5.2mg, 6/13/17 4.8mgs, 9/20/17 4.4mgS, 11/23/17 4 mgs, 1/1/18 3.6 mgs, 2/15/18 3.2 mgs. 4/13/18 2.8mgs, 5/11/18 2.4mgs, 6/10/18 2.0 mgs, 8/4/18 1.6mgs,  9/27/18 1.2mgs, 12/24/18 0.8mg, 3/24/19 0.64 mg,(syringe change issue date?) 4/22/19 0.60 mg, 5/24/19 0.60 mg, 7/7/19 0.52 mgs, 8/4/19 0.44mgs, 11/4/19 0.36mgs, 2/1/20 0.28mgs, 3/1/20 0.24mgs (crash April 6) Compound started 6/28/21: 0.24mgs, 8/29/21: 0.22mgs, 10/31/21: 0.20mgs, 1/03/22: 0.18mgs, 3/5/22: 0.16mgs, 5/5/22: 0.14mgs.

 

Original Wellbutrin Dose: 6 months from 9/14 to 3/2015, 300 XL 3/15/15: Half to 150 XL ( severe symptoms started on day 12) 4/16/15: 125mg   for 20 days to: 5/6/15:   100mg  for  15 days to: 5/21/15    75mg  for  10 days to: 6/1/15:  56.25mg      13 days to: 6/13/15: 37.25mg    7 days to: 6/20/15  28.12mg   14 days to: 7/4/15  18.75mg, 7 days to: 7/11/15; RAISE BACK TO: 28.12 to 8/14/15: 18.75mg  20 days to :9/3/15 : 12.5mg, 8/4/16 9mg 1/9/17: 8.5mg 2/8/17 8mg, 3/9/17: 7.6  4/9/17  7.2  5/27/17 6.4 6/24/17 5.8, 8/1/17 5.0, 8/29/17 4.2mgs, 10/2/17 3.5mgs, 12/28/17 2.5mgs, 2/27/18 1.7mgs,  4/19/18 0.8 mgs, LAST DOSE: 6/11/18:  3 YEARS, 2 MONTHS, 27 DAYS...

Link to comment
31 minutes ago, Colonial said:

 

What Your experiencing is 2 things.

 

1. Coming to terms with what You see is the "loss" of 10 years of Your life, and the side effects of the medications, and legitimately grieving the unfortunate issues.

But Because Your still young, Your both:

A. Making a "Catastrophic"  situation out of something that is truly unfortunate, but not the end of the world, with the temper tantrum that sometimes accompany the lack of maturity.

B. Failing to see the Long term situation, as young people usually tend to do, not being able to see the bigger picture.

 

I also wonder if what Your experiencing is partially a side affect of the new medication, the Bupropion  that can make young men very angry and explosive.

If Your feeling these emotions much stronger lately in the last few months, it could be that new medication.

I think if You could taper off that new medication, and get back to what You were on before January, you may notice You settle back down a bit, and then You will be in a better position to rationally decide a plan going forward.

 

But I don't know you well enough to know if Your getting worse because of the aggression that can come from the Bupropion, or if Your just normally this angry and having a tantrum of a 14 year old.  But it seems some of the things your complaining about only started since January, so I don't see why You wouldn't want to make a plan to get off it.

Instead You just ignoring the moderators questions and continuing to complain.

 

The good news is things are not as bad as Your emotions are telling You they are.

Your still alive for one.  Many teenagers die before the age of 14, their entire life truly taken from them.

Others wake up on day at 14, and before the end of the day their a paraplegic with no ability to move from the neck down, stuck in a wheelchair.

Those are the people who's lives are truly over.  They wish they had a 5 to 10 year plan option like You do, but they don't.

They would love to have the "hope" that by the age of 30-35, they could walk and talk and marry and spend the last 40 years of their life normal, like You can...

IF You choose to get  hold of Your self and move forward a little bit at a time.

 

 

 

I was actually put on Bupropion SR FOR RAGE. I would completely blow up, and I remember exactly when it started.

 

I had a series of really weird and vivid dreams, I still clearly remember. This was I think 6 years ago? More or less. The last dream was me finding a knife under my pillow, and then I woke up with my back soaked in sweat, and I suddenly felt very evil, like I legitimately wanted to be mean and hurtful to my family. It was literally an overnight change, and I know I did not have any medication changes, until a few months ago, which was ADDING Bupropion SR.

 

I warned my family to not push me as I didn’t feel right, and of course my dad didn’t listen.

 

For the first time I stood up to him, telling him that I was sick of his bs.

 

But my rage had no limit, filter, or containment.

 

Thr first time I cried after, having completely lost control. 
 

Over time, having more and more rage outbursts, they got worse, and I didn’t always feel bad about it, sometimes I even felt justified.

 

I’d honestly probably be in prison or dead if I had a gun or a knife when I was set off. It really wasn’t me. My body would violently shake when I got mad, my voice would change to really rough, I’d yell at the top of my lungs, and it proceeded to me threatening to kill, I legitimately felt like that.

 

I think it just built up over the years, suppressed rage. I grew up a spineless wuss. Someone literally thought I would be a school shooter, but my rage hadn’t started yet, so I never even had thoughts like that.

 

Bupropion SR was a life saver in regards to that, rage locked in an air tight container, the lid is secure. I still get mad sometimes, but it’s been very passive.

 

My doctor asked if I still experienced any anger, depression, or anxiety. I said yes, and he immediately told me to take two pills a day, making it 200 MG of the Bupropion SR a day. This is where the real sexual problems started. And then I learned about PSSD, and all of the other long-term/permanent risk.

 

I read about a guy who was younger than me and completely lost his libido, lost all emotions, complete Anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure at all), and lays in bed all day disabled, just reading about his condition, in hopes of learning of a cure.

 

I feel you are being very insensitive to me, I already felt unworthy of sex and love, and I feel less human than ever.

 

But think about this, if I’m complete miserable and incapable of experiencing any kind of pleasure, how would I have the energy or capacity to help others?

 

This is something I’ve thought about, since it seems hopeless that I’ll ever have a girlfriend, or even a small social life, why not serve others? If I can’t be happy, a good alternative to suicide would be making other people’s lives better. 
 

I don’t know if I can taper anyway, because I’m getting kicked off of health insurance in less than 2 years. That could very well be when I become disabled from cold turkey, or otherwise not slow enough withdrawal.

 

I do feel like I might as well get completely chemically castrated.

 

On Reddit, people with PSSD were telling me if I get off my meds it’s pulling the plug and not worth risking becoming completely castrated and lobotomized.

 

I’m sexually worthless anyway though, but I also don’t want any fates sealed. I don’t feel human anymore, and I really won’t be human if I end up like that guy on Reddit. His brain can’t even react to drugs anymore, so trying other meds isn’t even an option!


Assuming I can still, operate, I’m probably going to end up looking for prostitutes and feeling even more pathetic from having sex that way. Losing my virginity in my mid-20s by paying a hooker, wow.

 

I feel like I’m too far gone. I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive, and I have no idea who, or what I am.

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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I'm sorry you feel like I'm being insensitive, that certainly isn't the intent.

I certainly do have other things to do with my time than spend hours trying to help you.

I think your misinterpreting someone not empowering you to sit around wallowing in your negative emotion with you as being against you.

Not giving You more power to sit around hopeless in your misery is not being insensitive, it's trying to save you from yourself.

It's just hard for you to see it as such right now because the emotions are so strong.

20 minutes ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

But think about this, if I’m complete miserable and incapable of experiencing any kind of pleasure, how would I have the energy or capacity to help others?

 

I spent 3 straight years incapable of experiencing pleasure, and the only way I got through was I "created" a new life that revolved around others benefit.

I didn't get better complaining in online forums all day.

You don't need the capacity of experiencing pleasure for yourself to have the motivation to help others.

It's merely a choice, one you haven't committed to make yet.

 

15 minutes ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

I don’t know if I can taper anyway, because I’m getting kicked off of health insurance in less than 2 years. That could very well be when I become disabled from cold turkey, or otherwise not slow enough withdrawal.

 

 

We've already discussed that the drug companies have programs to help people in that situation of loss of insurance. But if you want to hold to the worst case scenario instead of putting one step in front of the other to see that doesn't happen, there's probably nothing I or anyone else here can do for you if You want to hold to the worst.  We realize that's a mindset of the depression your in, but if you don't want to learn coping skills to move forward, you will stay stuck when you don't have to.  But, as You said, since you don't believe in yourself, that your "too far gone, and you've given up hope, there's nothing I or anyone else here will be able to do for you.  So I won't waste either of Our time further.  Your probably not ready right now to come off the meds right now until You deal with these other issues.

 

Best of luck to You.

 Starting ds 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG PAXIL CR 1/21/15: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18/15 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1/15 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14/15 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29/15 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24/15 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1/15 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13/15 10 mg.  12/3/15 Drop from 8mg to 7.6 (24 days to) 12/27/15 7.2mgs 8/4/16 6.8mgs,  11/1/16 6.4mgs, 2/5/17 6 mgs  4/3/17 5.6mgs, 4/24/17 5.2mg, 6/13/17 4.8mgs, 9/20/17 4.4mgS, 11/23/17 4 mgs, 1/1/18 3.6 mgs, 2/15/18 3.2 mgs. 4/13/18 2.8mgs, 5/11/18 2.4mgs, 6/10/18 2.0 mgs, 8/4/18 1.6mgs,  9/27/18 1.2mgs, 12/24/18 0.8mg, 3/24/19 0.64 mg,(syringe change issue date?) 4/22/19 0.60 mg, 5/24/19 0.60 mg, 7/7/19 0.52 mgs, 8/4/19 0.44mgs, 11/4/19 0.36mgs, 2/1/20 0.28mgs, 3/1/20 0.24mgs (crash April 6) Compound started 6/28/21: 0.24mgs, 8/29/21: 0.22mgs, 10/31/21: 0.20mgs, 1/03/22: 0.18mgs, 3/5/22: 0.16mgs, 5/5/22: 0.14mgs.

 

Original Wellbutrin Dose: 6 months from 9/14 to 3/2015, 300 XL 3/15/15: Half to 150 XL ( severe symptoms started on day 12) 4/16/15: 125mg   for 20 days to: 5/6/15:   100mg  for  15 days to: 5/21/15    75mg  for  10 days to: 6/1/15:  56.25mg      13 days to: 6/13/15: 37.25mg    7 days to: 6/20/15  28.12mg   14 days to: 7/4/15  18.75mg, 7 days to: 7/11/15; RAISE BACK TO: 28.12 to 8/14/15: 18.75mg  20 days to :9/3/15 : 12.5mg, 8/4/16 9mg 1/9/17: 8.5mg 2/8/17 8mg, 3/9/17: 7.6  4/9/17  7.2  5/27/17 6.4 6/24/17 5.8, 8/1/17 5.0, 8/29/17 4.2mgs, 10/2/17 3.5mgs, 12/28/17 2.5mgs, 2/27/18 1.7mgs,  4/19/18 0.8 mgs, LAST DOSE: 6/11/18:  3 YEARS, 2 MONTHS, 27 DAYS...

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We cannot predict how going off your drugs will affect your sexual dysfunction. It may help, or your sexual dysfunction may stay the same or worsen, if possible.

 

Your sexual function is unlikely to get better while you're taking psychiatric drugs, it's a very common adverse effect of the drugs.

 

You will need to decide if you can take responsibility for coping with any symptoms that emerge from reducing your drugs. These could be withdrawal symptoms, which we will try to minimize with slow tapering and other techniques, it could be resurgence of negative thoughts, or it could be new realizations leading to great anger, resentment, or grief.

 

We don't offer psychotherapy here, we'll point you to some resources to read, but you will have to take responsibility for your inner life yourself, or work with a psychotherapist.

 

We are neutral about whether any individual should quit their psychiatric drugs. It is your decision.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We cannot predict how going off your drugs will affect your sexual dysfunction. It may help, or your sexual dysfunction may stay the same or worsen, if possible.

 

Your sexual function is unlikely to get better while you're taking psychiatric drugs, it's a very common adverse effect of the drugs.

 

You will need to decide if you can take responsibility for coping with any symptoms that emerge from reducing your drugs. These could be withdrawal symptoms, which we will try to minimize with slow tapering and other techniques, it could be resurgence of negative thoughts, or it could be new realizations leading to great anger, resentment, or grief.

 

We don't offer psychotherapy here, we'll point you to some resources to read, but you will have to take responsibility for your inner life yourself, or work with a psychotherapist.

 

We are neutral about whether any individual should quit their psychiatric drugs. It is your decision.

Isn’t taking 300-450 MG of Buoropion daily supposed to improve sexual dysfunction from SSRIs? When mine was doubled to 200 MG, it seemed to somehow get worse and better.

 

After cutting back to 100 MG, which was maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago? I seem to be mostly back to where I was, but ejaculate way less.

 

I’m at the point where I don’t even want to watch porn anymore, and masturbate even less (before Buoropion was doubled, I would usually only masturbate 1-2 a week, despite having a ridiculously high libido, I would often be too lazy to even get up to get oil for lubricant.

 

I’m now at a point where I’ll cry (I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to cry again, but this did it) just thinking about no longer interacting with that part of my body.

 

I’m in no position to have a girlfriend, and too insecure to even try to make friends. I have to do school online now because of the CoronaVirus shutting everything down, but I’m not really missing anything by staying home anyway.

 

I obviously need drastic change, and I really hate being dependent on drugs, but now I find out that discontinuing make me way worse than I’ve ever been, potentially for the rest of my life.

 

I’m scared of losing my job, being unable to finish school (already scared of that because it’s so hard for me to comprehend beyond basic math), having a psychotic break in public and getting filmed and shown all over the internet, and of course, making my family even more disappointed and/or mad that I can’t function like I’m supposed to at my age.

 

I may be able to get my own health insurance with the job I have now, but not if I get fired. We need Universal Healthcare, and for prescribers to be LEGALLY REQUIRED to warn about the potential long-term/permanent risks that can persist or start after discontinuation, and make it illegal to prescribe these kind of meds to anyone under 18, since they legally can’t give their own consent.

 

I’m really losing respect for doctors, at least in the psychiatric field. Even before I knew about these risks, my doctor barely talked to me and just threw pills and raising dose just from me answering yes that I still experienced anger, depression, anxiety, etc. OF COURSE I DO! IT’S CALLED BEING A HUMAN BEING! They weren’t extreme enough to warrant a dose increase.

 

Maybe it’s a good thing I had that experience that led me to researching all of this, because I actually believed that I could taper off all of my meds in just a few weeks, and people’s doctors tell them **** like that, somebody even said their doctor told them to quit cold turkey! That’s probably not too common, but I doubt they normally advise a 5-10% decrease every 3-4 weeks.

 

Could I just get an idea of how a good tapering Plan would go for me? Also I still don’t know how to get back to the signature page so I can update the date on mg medications. 

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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10 hours ago, HeldHostageonMeds said:

Could I just get an idea of how a good tapering Plan would go for me? Also I still don’t know how to get back to the signature page so I can update the date on mg medications. 

 

Here is a direct link to your signature:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

A good tapering plan is 10% or less reduced a month, with the 10% calculated on the previous month's dose. 

 

As others have posted in your thread, you'll need to work on non-drug methods of coping. This will aid not only in your recovery, but also help you discover your identity off these drugs. A slow taper is best for your brain / body, plus it also gives you time to try out these new skills as you taper, so by the time you're completely off the drugs, you'll have these new ways of coping fully engrained and automatic. 

 

 

 

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On 3/27/2020 at 6:36 PM, HeldHostageonMeds said:

Isn’t taking 300-450 MG of Buoropion daily supposed to improve sexual dysfunction from SSRIs? When mine was doubled to 200 MG, it seemed to somehow get worse and better.

 

After cutting back to 100 MG, which was maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago? I seem to be mostly back to where I was, but ejaculate way less.

 

These are questions you need to ask your doctor. As far as we're concerned, if it isn't working, it isn't working.

 

The rest of your issues are beyond what we can help with here. You might want to join patientslikeme.com or depressionforums.org

 

If you don't want to continue to try to correct your situation with drugs and you want your life to move in a different direction, strongly advise you to find a coach, a counselor, or a therapist.

 

If you have questions about drug tapering, we can help you with that.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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I just remembered that there was a time (I was 14, or younger, I think?) that I was taking Trazodone to help me sleep.

 

I don’t know how I completely forgot about this, but I absolutely can’t remember any date range or prescription dosage, just that I took it at one point in time, for, some amount of time.

 

Some people with PSSD claim that Trazodone has been the cause of their PSSD, or contributed to it, so since I remembered that I took that at a time, I thought it would be worth mentioning. And of course the Adderall (which I know was before what I take now).

 

I remember that I didn’t always have OCD, in fact, I remember being the complete opposite. So I’m wondering if Adderall could have given me OCD, or OCD symptoms just start at a later age.

 

I also took a Xanax one time, which my mom gave me the night before I went to the psychiatric hospital, because I was freaking out about it, and I had a reaction like I was drunk, or something? Some people claim taking something like that even one time can lead to PSSD or other long-term/permanent changes, seems much more unlikely though. 
 

But who knows what taking so many different drugs does to the brain and body....

Oxcarbazepine 600 MG twice a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Sertraline 200 MG once a day (October 2011-Present)

 

Bupropion SR 100 MG once a day (January 2020, after about a month increased to 200 MG a day, back to 100 MG a day about a week later. Presently taking 100 MG)

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