LostRunner: took citalopram for 7 days - feel terrible 7 weeks later

[LostRunner]

 

On my 12th week and its all getting so much worse. my sleep is awful now - gone are the 6 hours sleeps. I'm up pacing after an hour if I can sleep and then its hours of just pacing/ going crazy/ feeling like I cant do this. My symptoms are so much more pronounced, im pulsing all over body now. My body/ torso/ neck/ head is rhymically moving all the time. I dont know how I can deal with this! why am I deteriorating and not getting better. how is it possible to get through it. I dont know if I should go to the hospital or not... Ive been seen by lots of doctors who say im fine but im not fine. I'm in hell and I don't say that lightly.  I have a chronic dry mouth, drinking water all the time and finding it difficult to eat now. heart going crazy all day, pulsing body, shaking, unsteady. Why am I not stabilising?? has anyone else been like this? 

 

I need help but dont know what to do. I've tried breathing exercises and the headspace app. The physical sensations are so dire right now that relaxation techniques barely seem to help. 

[mstimc]

LostRunner

 

When I'm very anxious, I find I start breathing through my mouth, drying it out, and I too drink a lot of water because the dry mouth makes me thirsty.   The shallow breathing also increases your heart rate and makes you shaky.  Many people here have gone though the same awful experience.  Try re-reading sunnyside's latest response to you.  Its a great summary of what you're experiencing and will help give you perspective.  Focus on her positive message and read it several times if necessary.  It'll shift your thoughts and help calm you down. 

[LostRunner]

Thanks @mstimc I have been deep breathing for two days now and im not seeing signs of improvement so far and its making me panic. I just think im not coming back from this and I'm very severe.. why am I getting worse? 

[LostRunner]

@sunnysideup69 thank you for your reply it was greatly appreciated. ive been trying mindfulness and deep breathing and the headspace app. my physical symptoms have ramped up and I feel like im going to die! I dont understand what is happening to me. I keep getting worse I dont know what to do. is there any crisis support in the U.K that anyone has used? I dont know where to turn 

my symptoms are also 24/7 at the moment, there is no let up to the spasms. is this normal? Ive seen that a lot of people have breaks in the day 

[mstimc]

3 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

Thanks @mstimc I have been deep breathing for two days now and im not seeing signs of improvement so far and its making me panic. I just think im not coming back from this and I'm very severe.. why am I getting worse? 

Your perception is being affected by your anxiety.  You're not necessarily getting worse; you're going through a bad wave that will eventually improve.  What you're going through right now isn't forever.  I know those are just words but it's true.  I endured terrible symptoms too, and I never thought I'd improve but I did.  I am sorry you're going through this, too, but you're not alone.

[LostRunner]

although I sound manic I do truly appreciate your response @mstimc thank you. It does really help. I regularly re-read the responses I get and they do help. I know everyone is different but were you constantly suffering for a while? 

 

also how were your support systems? mine have been amazing but im wearing them out now, they think its all anxiety and not a response to the citalopram. they dont understand the intensity of it all. I hate seeing them exhausted by me. 

[mstimc]

You don't sound manic,  Lostrunner.  Your brain is firing off in all directions but its not something you are causing.

 

Yes I did have symptoms almost non-stop for many months.  The symptoms themselves changed from one thing to the other but there always seemed to be something to worry about or that caused me pain or discomfort.  I really think one of the ways I recovered is that I finally just got tired of being scared all the time.  We only have so much emotional energy, and once you hit rock bottom and are exhausted, there's an opportunity to rebuild yourself and begin recovery.

 

I depended on a site very much like this one and a good therapist who understood withdrawal.  Just as this is exhausting for you, it can be tiring and frustrating for those around you, especially if they've never endured it.  Sometimes its on them to take a step back so they don't take those frustrations out on you.  It takes understanding on both sides of the relationship.  They need to be patient with you and you need to show they you're trying to make progress.  And be kind to yourself--don't beat yourself up for feeling anxious or for not being the "perfect patient" all the time.

[LostRunner]

Thank you for your very kind responses @mstimc the thing that unsettles me is that my symptoms dont go and change to other symptoms, they just get added to and I have more so this week I got tinnitus, very restless legs, insomnia, burning all over added whilst also having everything else to deal with that I had already. so it just feels so overwhelming and like where is this going? Im never relaxed in myself or my body, the sensations are awful wouldn't wish it on anyone 

[mstimc]

I agree--I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

As others have posted, symptoms can change and get more or less intense during withdrawal.  The longer you stay in an unresolved anxious state, the more likely the symptoms are to remain or get worse.  Although it seems like it does no good, try to practice some of the anxiety management techniques we've recommended.  Even a few minutes of taking your focus off your symptoms will help.

[Cigale]

21 hours ago, LostRunner said:

@jozeff Do/Did you ever feel like you're having to fake interactions because you feel so low - like the whole thing is just you pretending to be a person or pretending how you used to be? That's how I feel with conversations but never felt like that before. It's horrible, it's made me completely self obsessed. I want to feel like I did before when I spoke to someone just feel a complete disconnect. It's terrifying!

 

 

Hello @LostRunner - My heart goes out to you and all you are having to endure. I do want to let you know that your openness has helped me know I am not alone, especially as I really struggle to 'fake it.' I do believe that we will both come through this as stronger, more aware people.

[LostRunner]

@mstimc its so hard to control the anxiety, especially when that in itself is a symptom. I will look at the anxiety management tips. do you consider yourself healed now?

 

@Cigale totally, its horrible. and I guess people who are being their normal selves just cant relate to the turmoil of these drugs. I know I wouldn't have got it before hand. How are you otherwise? 

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

2 hours ago, LostRunner said:

@sunnysideup69 thank you for your reply it was greatly appreciated. ive been trying mindfulness and deep breathing and the headspace app. my physical symptoms have ramped up and I feel like im going to die! I dont understand what is happening to me. I keep getting worse I dont know what to do. is there any crisis support in the U.K that anyone has used? I dont know where to turn 

my symptoms are also 24/7 at the moment, there is no let up to the spasms. is this normal? Ive seen that a lot of people have breaks in the day 

 

It sounds like you're having some panic. You can call the Samaritans in the UK, they are brilliant in a crisis, I've used them many times. Be aware though that you may get someone who suggests you speak to your doctor, who in turn may be likely to recommend more drugs, which is not what your system needs right now. However, it may still help you to have someone there on the end of a phone to talk to.

You're feeling worse because your nervous system is repairing itself. I'm in a wave myself at the moment, and can empathise with how 'unlikely' that feels, but bodies are amazing and will do everything they can to return to balance. That involves switching various systems on and off temporarily, which can make you feel b****y awful.

 

Doesn't sound like you've had much of a window yet, just feelings of becoming worse, which I know is scary. As you say, 24/7, which is incredibly tiring until you learn to just surrender to feeling awful. The windows will come. On days when I feel terrible, I just don't force myself to do anything, except for my meditation -  I also use headspace, and there is a meditation called the Body Scan, by Jon Kabbat Zinn, I love it. You can find it on you tube. Don't even force myself to go outside if I'm feeling really bad. I just watch netflix under my sleeping bag on the sofa.

 

You will get better, your nervous system will stabilize again. You can expect at some point to see some better days, then go backwards, then have better days etc.

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

I don't know if you're working at the moment, either, or are 'in lockdown' mode. It's unfortunate to be in WD at this time because we have so much more time to focus on symptoms, it's really hard to get our minds off them. I highly recommend just covering yourself up on the sofa, watching TV and riding the chaos.

[Cigale]

@LostRunner - You are so kind to check in with me, thank you. Unfortunately at the moment I am in a rough wave that is insomnia-driven and feels relentless. But I know when I say that I am exaggerating since there are still good moments, tiny windows that I can open when I push myself to use the coping tools I have discovered here. A few things that work for me are exercise, helping someone in some even small way, writing down 3 things I am grateful for, and accepting my anxiety. Actually, the acceptance techniques I discovered through this community have really helped.

 

Another thing I am trying is called the Pleasant Experiences Calendar. Every day I am trying to note one pleasant experience as it happens. It can be as ordinary or simple as hearing a bird sing or having a stranger smile at you. I use these questions to try and focus my awareness on the details of the experience (following @mstimc's advice to take the focus off symptoms). Here is how your openness helped me:

 

What was the experience? I came to SA freaking out about me, my insomnia and found someone who shares my challenges.

What sensations did you feel in your body in detail? I felt my shoulders drop and my face lightened.

What moods or feelings did you notice? I felt relief and shared hope.

What thoughts went through your mind? Here's a strong person who is willing to reach out and share with others. We're all in this together and can help each other.

What thoughts are in your mind now as you write this down? I have been helped by this community and I want to give back. I am glad took the time to seek help. I am grateful for LostRunner.

 

[LostRunner]

@sunnysideup69 thank you for your response. I'm thinking of calling samaritans - having some pretty dark thoughts and overwhelming feelings that I dont know what to do with. I've spoken to close friends, family and my boyfriend and they are all very supportive but also I feel as if it is all too much at the moment. I have been in touch with my GP and she has prescribed me an antidepressant which I haven't got yet. I do not want to take medication. I dont know if you know this but if you're deemed 'suicidal' are you then in a position where you cannot refuse medication if you ended up having to go to hospital? Ive never been suicidal before this but I am feeling it now. I'm finding it hard to just watch something or spend the day laying down. im so restless and uncomfortable and have a tight chest. I dont want more medication but I also dont know what I can do to keep myself safe. I have been doing breathing exercises for hours. Sorry to say all this. Not working at the moment - can barely function. 

 

@Cigale hi cigale thank you for your reply. its great that you've found acceptance and I'm glad it has helped you during this time. 

[Kerrym]

I think you should go ahead and try the med...what have you got to lose?

 

[Len189]

I think you should be very careful about taking another antidepressant and would caution against it. Take a tiny, tiny fraction of a normal dose if you decide to do it. You brain has told you loud and clear that it does not tolerate SSRIs and you risk getting more symptoms if you try other meds. I'm very sorry you have suffered an adverse reaction, it is truly horrible. Much worse than withdrawal in my experience. Unfortuneately, I think time is the only safe way to recover from it. But everyone recovers, given enough time. You can do it!

[Gridley]

3 hours ago, Kerrym said:

think you should go ahead and try the med...what have you got to lose?

 

@Kerrym

 

Kerrym,

 

Please do not recommend taking drugs to another member.  It is against site policy.

[LostRunner]

This just feels intolerable! The physical sensations are 24/7. I'm sleeping less - im wide awake through the night and then finally sleep for 1-2 hours. when I woke this morning I thought I was dying. felt so ill. My thirst and dry mouth has also increased even more and im gasping all the time for the next bit of water, even when ive just drunk some. 

 

The thought of no respite from this is just unimaginable. the anxiety surges are just out of this world unbearable I want to pull my hair out. has it been this acute for other people? I really do mean it's 24/7. It is so so boring to be in this state and the people around me are being worn down entirely by it. They just want me better but also want me to 'snap' out of it as if its that easy to do. I regularly think about going to the hospital just cause I dont want to be a burden here and I dont know if theres a space I can just be. I don't know. I dont know why im posting. I just genuinely dont know how people get through each day when it is just SO acute. Walking is really hard and unsettling right now.

[Kerrym]

Hi

What are your symptoms?

[Len189]

http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/reaction.htm

[Kerrym]

But everyone's different...i sometimes worry it's reading doom and gloom that keeps me in my depressive state.

 

[treadingwater]

Hi lostrunner,

 

I’m another person who was only on Zoloft for 10 days and experienced an adverse reaction. I ended up in the emergency room I was so sick.  Nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, horrific anxiety, my arms felt electrified, rapid heartrate, and so many more awful symptoms.  When this first happened, I couldn’t even walk without holding onto something or watch TV. I was too dizzy.  The nurse told me it would be 2-3 weeks before I felt better. I posted here and saw it could be months to years.  I didn’t think it would take that long, but it’s been several months and I’m still experiencing symptoms.  I hope that doesn’t discourage you. I’m totally functional. The symptoms take more energy and focus than I’d like, but I’m still living my life and getting on with things even if I’m uncomfortable at times. 
 

Once you’ve been evaluated and found to not have any other conditions, my advice is to accept it and know that you’ll get better over time.  I know how hard that is because you feel so awful and are convinced something terrible must be wrong. Anything you can do to keep yourself from adding more fear to your body will help. Fear and adrenaline will only add to your symptoms.  
 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. 
 

 

[Kerrym]

5 hours ago, Kerrym said:

But everyone's different...i sometimes worry it's reading doom and gloom that keeps me in my depressive state.

 

 

5 hours ago, Len189 said:

http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/reaction.htm

 

[LostRunner]

@treadingwater thank you for sharing your story. your story is definitely encouraging, I'm glad you're recovering! 

 

I can't help but compare my situation and feel like I have permanent damage from my adverse reaction as I do not seem to be making any progress. I have pulsing and tremors in my body still 24/7 since ending citalopram 3 months ago - I just cant see them suddenly stopping and dont know if that even happens?! I dont know what's happening to me really and unsure how to keep gong mentally. 

 

Is there anyone out there who's experienced tremors 24/7 that went away?? Do such cases exist? 

[Len189]

You are not permanently damaged. You will recover in time, but no one can tell you how long it will take. The pulsing/tremor is akathisia and is a well-known SSRI symptom. It will subside and dissapear with time, if you let your body heal. But I know it´s a long and hard road to walk. You have my sympathies. Here are a couple of links with people who have been in the same situation as you. There are many stories like yours on this site as well.

 

https://www.madinamerica.com/2013/06/how-i-coped-with-an-ssri-induced-suicidality/

https://www.madinamerica.com/2017/04/nora-extreme-sudden-adverse-antidepressant-reactions/

[LostRunner]

Thanks for your reply @Len189 I thought akathisia was an inner restlessness/ cant sit still sensation? what I feel is spine/neck/pelvis tremors 24/7.. I have experienced bouts of akathisia. I just haven't seen anyone with constant tremors?? I can't believe its all still so acute 3 months off a 1 week drug. 

[Kerrym]

Have you had any let up at all with your symptoms since you had the reaction?

[LostRunner]

Not yet @Kerrym it all still feels very acute. I took a sleeping pill for the last three nights so that helped with sleep but I know I cant depend on these long term. otherwise it has been pretty relentless. no idea whats going on

[LostRunner]

Is there anyone out there who's experienced tremors 24/7 that went away?

[Gridley]

@LostRunner

In this link are several posts from members with tremors that went away.

Tremors, shaking, body vibration, internal trembling - Page 2 ...

You can also Google SurvivingAntidepressants.org tremors for more threads.  Tremors are a common adverse reaction/withdrawal symptom.  You're in the acute phase of adverse reaction, which can be rough,  but things will level off with time.

 

[LostRunner]

@Gridley have you heard of adverse reactions causing permanent damage? 

[mstimc]

30 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

@Gridley have you heard of adverse reactions causing permanent damage? 

 

Lost, constantly asking for reassurance is a very common symptom of anxiety.  I went through it myself,  spending a lot of time, doctor office visits and money trying to satisfy myself I wasn't permanently damaged or had a chronic disease.  The best way to deal with this is to start working on recovery and thought management techniques.

[keogh08]

@LostRunner 

 

Hi lost,

 

Please believe when us adverse reaction types say that it is not permanent damage. I was 27 when I suffered mine almost 8 months ago. A first time mum with an 18 month old baby to care for. 

 

My reaction like yours happened after taking citalopram 20mg for 6 days. I thought I was totally lost and often thought about admitting myself to a mental facility many of times as my symptoms were so out of control and terrifying. 

 

But 8 months later I have made it out of the dark hell I was in and only minimal symptoms remain considering the long list I started with.

 

None of the symptoms were permanent I now understand that and each week/month they gradually reduce more and more. 

 

If you are in the mindset that the damage is permanent it will be extremely difficult for you to find hope and see changes, I know this because like many I spent lots of money and lots of time researching my symptoms. And was only left with fear and dread that I would never return to my old self and be the bubbly social and happy person I once was. 

 

Eventually I gave up researching and believed what people like us advised me,that healing does eventually come. 

 

I know it is extremely difficult to get past this, but you have your whole life to live and this is just a minor bump in the road.

 

Take care

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

On 5/9/2020 at 3:15 PM, LostRunner said:

@sunnysideup69 thank you for your response. I'm thinking of calling samaritans - having some pretty dark thoughts and overwhelming feelings that I dont know what to do with. I've spoken to close friends, family and my boyfriend and they are all very supportive but also I feel as if it is all too much at the moment. I have been in touch with my GP and she has prescribed me an antidepressant which I haven't got yet. I do not want to take medication. I dont know if you know this but if you're deemed 'suicidal' are you then in a position where you cannot refuse medication if you ended up having to go to hospital? Ive never been suicidal before this but I am feeling it now. I'm finding it hard to just watch something or spend the day laying down. im so restless and uncomfortable and have a tight chest. I dont want more medication but I also dont know what I can do to keep myself safe. I have been doing breathing exercises for hours. Sorry to say all this. Not working at the moment - can barely function. 

 

@Cigale hi cigale thank you for your reply. its great that you've found acceptance and I'm glad it has helped you during this time. 

 

Hi Lost Runner. I know it's awful. The dark thoughts and overwhelminfg feelings are all part of the adverse reaction and your system healing. I don't know much about whether you can refuse medication if you go to hospital....I'm going to guess that, if you are there voluntarily, you can refuse.

You are in the thick of it at the moment and I know it's hard to believe , but you WILL recover. It will most likely be a bit slower than you'd like. Honestly, the samaritans are great, I would highly recommend.

I would also strongly advise against taking any other antidep. Please ignore the comment from another member about 'what have you got to lose?' You COULD have a really bad reaction to another med in this sensitised state. So yes, you do have something to lose. 

Please don't apologize for saying all the above, many of us have been in some awful states and yet are recovering...slowly. Are you living with your family? Apologies I can't remember. Perhaps you could show them this, your entries here and our responses here, and let them know that you CAN'T just snap out of it. It will resolve itself in time.

[sunnysideup69]

On 5/13/2020 at 2:31 PM, LostRunner said:

 I can't believe its all still so acute 3 months off a 1 week drug. 

 

Yep, unfortunately, that's the case.

Some people have this reaction with antideps. It's tough in these stages because you feel awful and then get upset about feeling so awful. Do as many of the links to help calm your system, it's great that you're doing the breathing exercises, keep them up!