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LostRunner: took Citalopram for 7 days - feel terrible 7 weeks later

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mstimc
11 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

I was very healthy before citalopram and had no prior issues so whatever has happened is due to taking the drug. My bloods and mri's have been normal so far and I was seen at a rapid diagnostic centre two weeks ago, everything there was normal. I do understand the concept of CBT, only wish id practiced it before starting on the medication. 

There's never a wrong time to start CBT or some other coping practice.  I didn't know anything about it until I was in WD and falling apart.  My therapist spent a lot of time teaching me the concepts and making sure I used them.

 

 

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LostRunner

you're right @mstimc I just cant imagine ever recovering or feeling better. I just don't want to live this life. I don't see the point. 

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Artistic1

Mstmic is right - You can start CBT any time. I didn't start CBT until I relapsed into terrible anxiety after getting off Celexa. (I didn't taper properly.) CBT and my great therapist made a HUGE difference and it's now helping me to taper correctly off Zoloft. The great thing about CBT is it can help you in lots of different areas of your life, even if you're not on medications for anything.  I used the book "Mind Over Mood," by Greenberger and Padesky. Lots of good explanations and practical exercises that go step by step.

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mstimc

At so.e point each of us thought we'd never recover.   But we did.  We all have a purpose on this earth.  Once you recover, you can pay it forward. 

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LostRunner

sorry to ask but can physical symptoms ever be 24/7? by this I mean no let up at all. It seems that in withdrawal symptoms change and move around the body or at least break for a bit in the day and maybe continue later on (thinking tremors/spasms etc) or every few days etc? for example I have a tremor/spasm in my back but it NEVER stops and ive had it for months. can symptoms ever be 24/7 with no stopping??? would really appreciate honest answers

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LostRunner

sorry does anyone know?

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mstimc

Lost, withdrawal and/or adverse reactions by their nature are always present in one form or another, at least at first  They diminish over time.

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treadingwater
7 hours ago, LostRunner said:

sorry to ask but can physical symptoms ever be 24/7? by this I mean no let up at all. It seems that in withdrawal symptoms change and move around the body or at least break for a bit in the day and maybe continue later on (thinking tremors/spasms etc) or every few days etc? for example I have a tremor/spasm in my back but it NEVER stops and ive had it for months. can symptoms ever be 24/7 with no stopping??? would really appreciate honest answers

My physical symptoms were 24/7 for at least 6 months. Maybe more. 

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LostRunner

but were any of your individual symptoms 24/7 @treadingwater 

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treadingwater
4 hours ago, LostRunner said:

but were any of your individual symptoms 24/7 @treadingwater 

Yes, Lost. I felt horrible 24 hours 7 days a week for several months. I never experienced what people call windows for at least 6 months. And I know looking back that I made myself feel worse by worrying about the symptoms. It was a bad loop I was stuck in.  

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LostRunner

thanks @treadingwater I dont know how people can hold out so long with all this suffering. Also because it is so bizarre I just dont know whats real and not real at the moment, think im in a permanent state of shock. would give anything to go back to how I was. 

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mstimc

You'll never be the person you were, so don't try for that or you'll always be disappointed.  Any major life event changes us and makes us different.  The person you will be can be stronger, more resilient and more empathetic than you were before.  

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LostRunner

@mstimc if I make it through and recover then I have no doubt I will be a stronger person as this is just feeling way too much. I dont know how any human can cope with it cause I'm struggling. 

 

I'm sick of the constant pulsing in my body. have my lower back pulsing lower 24/7 and a pulsing below my rib cage which also never stops. think its the nerves just constantly firing. I feel so bloated and uncomfortable in my stomach. The pulsing isn't painful its just so annoying and doesn't stop. I hate it so much. want rest!

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mstimc

I understand and empathize what you're experiencing.  You will recover, but you need to devote the energy you're spending on concentrating in symptoms to looking for ways to recover.

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LostRunner

I really am trying @mstimc. when something is happening in my body 24/7 theres only so long in the day I find I can ignore it or be positive, I'm having quite a few moments in the day where it feels overwhelming and unmanageable and I break down. also doesn't help that the constant pulsing doesn't seem to be very typical of withdrawal. 

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mstimc

Lost, can you accept that your physical symptoms are the result of your mindset, or do you think they're separate?  Unless and until you begin to address your thought habits, you're going to have a lot of difficulty overcoming your symptoms.

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LostRunner

@mstimc I don't think my symptoms are the result of my mindset, I think they are the result of the drugs. how can they be the result of my mindset I don't understand? 

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Len189

Btw, I had the pulsing (feeling of nerves constantly firing) in withdrawal and after the adverse reaction as well. My understanding is that it's a quite common symptom. Where it manifests in the body can probably vary a lot.

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mstimc

You've had a bad reaction to your medication, which has seriously affected your nervous system and thought patterns.  But absent any medical evidence to the contrary, there's no permanent damage.  So recovering means getting your thoughts under control.  Anxiety can cause a huge number of physical symptoms, which is what you're experiencing.  Like any other condition, the most effective treatment is to cure the root cause, in this case your overwhelming anxiety and obsessive thinking.

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LostRunner

@Len189 ive seen people have described a pulsing but not a 24/7 one, not sure how this was for you? did your pulsing sensations improve/go away? mine haven't changed at all yet. 

 

@mstimc I do understand what you mean. im still waiting for nerve tests to conclude the no damage theory. can anxiety cause such symptoms that last 24/7? the pulsing wakes me up at night. how do you even begin to tackle anxiety when your body is in constant flight or fight mode? ive tried being still and calm and distracting myself.. I can manage it for different amount of time but I just want to explode. 

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mstimc

Anxiety by its nature is 24/7 unless you take steps to manage it.  Even if, at first, calming and distracting lasts just a few minutes, that's a start.  You have to keep practicing for it to be truly beneficial.  As Len said, many people have experienced what you're suffering.  You can recover, but only if you abandon the anxiety-driven belief your symptoms are different than many of those who have recovered.   I know you want to believe that, but you need to give yourself permission to believe it. 

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LostRunner

@mstimc I will continue to practice.

 

this belief that my symptoms are different is only from reading the many many posts on here of people explaining their symptoms. there are many symptoms that seem to be common or like I said before not 24/7. the fact is im having trouble walking normally and my lower back feels pretty unstable. I just haven't seen this anywhere else. that is what fuels my thinking. also its just reality isn't it, there aren't other threads out there for me to relate to so naturally I think its something else like nerve damage. 

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mstimc

Lost, many members have shared their symptoms with you and have tried to reassure you that what you are going through is no different that what they suffered.  I've also seen many other members who've convinced themselves their symptoms are uniquely terrible. You are reading others' posts through the lens of your anxiety.  I get it--I did the same thing.  We all suffer uniquely because we're all different but what you're going through isn't unique.  

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brassmonkey

When dealing with ADWD there is a huge psychological aspect that has to be dealt with. This is often referred to as "secondary Fear". It's not just the physical presence of the symptom but rather the overall lack of acceptance of and the anger at the situation that causes it.  By fighting against the symptom we are giving it importance and adding to it's strength. Yes, the symptoms are very unpleasant to go through.  Especially if they seem to threaten ones physical abilities. But allowing the symptom to dominate ones thoughts makes it many times worse. It takes practice, but with all the major symptoms like crushing anxiety, the doom cloud, insomnia and the minor symptoms of anhedonia , balance issues and muscle twitches, acceptance is key to getting relief.

 

Every member here believes that their symptom load is the worst there is and they are a unique case, and for each individual, on an individual level it is. But, through working with many thousands of members this has proved not to be the case. There are many techniques listed throughout the site that can be used very effectively to manage all the symptoms involved with ADWD.  Once a member understands the concept of acceptance and applies it to themselves there is always a vast improvement in their situation.

 

Myself and the others who have answered  above are not trying to belittle what you are experiencing, but rather trying to help from the perspective of people who have been there and know how bad it is and what has helped to get us through the situation. As I said in my article I truly feel sorry for members like you, who had a very bad reaction after just taking the medication for a few days.  It's about as unfair as it gets. However, the damage is done, we can't take it back and we have to make the best of it while we allow our bodies to heal naturally.

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mstimc

Thank you Brassmonkey--you stated the situation perfectly!

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Artistic1

Very well said, Brassmonkey. 

 

 

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Len189
On 5/24/2020 at 6:18 PM, LostRunner said:

@Len189 ive seen people have described a pulsing but not a 24/7 one, not sure how this was for you? did your pulsing sensations improve/go away? mine haven't changed at all yet. 

 

During withdrawal it was 24/7 as well but varied in intensity during the day and in windows/waves. It lessened over time and slowly dissapeared.

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LostRunner

thanks @Len189 glad it went away for you!

 

thanks @brassmonkey I do see the importance of positive thinking and trying to not let it overwhelm. however my symptoms are 24/7 and just very intrusive at the moment, literally isnt possible to block them out. over the past few days the leg vibrations have increased to all the time, along with pulsing all over in my back and stomach. its just honestly torture. I cant put any other words to it. I feel absolutely damaged and dont really know what to do to get relief. I woke up in the early hours after a few hours sleep and was just pacing around. I then spent a while trying to distract myself with a puzzle book and now im just at a loss really. I feel mentally exhausted but my body is literally buzzing and pulsing all the time. does this honestly get better? I feel like im stuck in this mode now and just dont know what to do with myself. I put things on to watch and can last 20 mins-half hour. I cant listen to music its just too upsetting, it used to be my life.  I try to go for a walk every day, sit in the garden and make sure I get 'ready' for the day even though its the last thing I want to do. what else can I do? I have positive affirmations all over my wall. why are the vibrations and pulsings 24/7? why do some people only have these things for a short period in the day. does 24/7 equal permanence? its been 14 weeks now. I know you're here to offer positivity and thats all you can do and for most people you're right they will get better but I just think its a lost cause with me I really do. I dont know who I can go to. dr just wants to give me more anti depressants and neurologist im waiting for nerve tests but could be months yet. 

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mstimc

Lost, I believe our brains can be "wired" or "programmed" to think habitually, either positively or negatively.  CBT and other coping strategies are more than just positive thinking; they help to rewire your brain to think and act more rationally.  Right now, your brain is in a continual negative spiral, and convincing yourself you have nerve damage is only reinforcing that.  Many members have told you they've suffered from the same physical symptoms and have recovered.  As brassmonkey said, we all suffer uniquely but none of us are hopeless cases.  Maybe a good place to start is by sitting down and writing out what you think recovery will look like for you.  Not a return to who you were but who and what you want to be.  Think about how you want to recover.  At the very least, it'll give you something to think about besides your symptoms for awhile.  It will also give you a goal to work toward, other than trying to figure out what may or may not be wrong with you physically. 

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LostRunner

@mstimc I do talk to a therapist and I'm having CBT (this has been a recent thing) so I do understand what you mean. Im yet to conquer the absolute dread I feel every morning. I don't want to come across like I'm saying I'm the one suffering the most etc as I don't believe that at all and its simply not true. for example I've seen some terrifying mental symptoms that other people have that I don't have however I'm saying that my symptoms are different in that I cant walk very well and feel very restricted with my movements 24/7. other people have said they feel the vibrations and pulsing but I literally am unable to balance my back properly and I sway when I stand and walk. my number one goal for recovery would be being able to run again. I literally don't want anything else. I just want to run. I feel I can deal with the other symptoms and the whole 'it takes time' theory. I cant deal with not being able to run. 

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mstimc

Lost, I did a quick google search and found this:

 

"People experiencing anxiety and inhibition have more activity in the right side of the brain, causing them to walk in a leftward trajectory. New research has, for the first time, linked the activation of the brain's two hemispheres with lateral shifts in people's walking trajectories."

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160119141749.htm

 

Your mind can do some pretty awful things, including making you think you can't do something physically when you can. 

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LostRunner

thank you @mstimc that is really interesting, i do understand that anxiety can cause a lot of physical symptoms. I've had a read but the sensation im experiencing is very different. my legs and back are just not supporting me the same way as they used to and I am constantly 'in motion'. my back is literally pulsing and my head bobs up and down when I sit and walk. when I stand im still pulsing and unable to 'stand strong' Ive forgotten how it feels to just stand normally. when I stand it feels like theres not enough strength and im swaying. walking I feel very unsteady.. its very hard to explain but my back is not balanced. im now getting pain in my hips and clicking/popping as well as knee pain/heaviness and popping and Ive recently developed a cyst in the back of one of my knees (all points to this shift in weight baring in my back) its very disconcerting and just the worst thing for me to deal with. running was my escape. ive tried just running in the garden but it's just awful and I dont have the balance and theres just too much weight in my hips and legs. I dont know what else to say apart from that something physical has happened in my back/hips/pelvis/legs which means I'm struggling walking/running. This is why I need the nerve tests... I'm unsure what else it could realistically be. This isn't thinking I cant do something believe me I've tried. its me doing something and it not being right and not normal. 

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mstimc

I hope things work out for you, Longrunner.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself what you'll do if and when the nerve tests come back and they're ok.  Will you accept that and try to manage your mental symptoms, or will you search for another cause and another battery of tests?  What do you have to lose by trying management techniques now?  Even if you do have some kind of nerve damage, you will need to deal with it.

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LostRunner

you're absolutely right whatever the results I need to find a way to manage my mental health. I don't disagree with anything you're saying about managing mental health at all. you've been really kind and patient with me and clearly know a lot and have been through it yourself. you know when there are such strong emotions connected to withdrawal anyway you kind of dont know where you begin and where the emotions caused by the drug are and also just the sheer shock of the situation in general. leaves me feeling crazy anyway. for example all I want to do is bawl my eyes out but im finding it very hard to cry actual tears - I just want to have a good cry and get that release. not sure if an inability to cry is usual for wd or not.  I definitely think clear nerve tests will make me feel more hopeful definitely. movement is obviously such an important thing and to have that changed in a way is very scary. 

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mstimc

Hi

 

Yes, the physical inability to cry is very common--several members have commented on that as well.  "Shock" is the perfect definition, especially for those of us who used to be secure in  our mental and physical health.  To have so many changes hit us so quickly, and seemingly beyond our control, is truly awful.  But you can find your way back.

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LostRunner

thanks I hope so @mstimc some normalcy would be very much appreciated! and you're right about where does the testing stop as well as I agree there has to be an end point to it. its a tricky one - obviously id go on the advice of the neurologist but also even he said they have cases where someone cannot walk or be in lots of pain and their tests come back 'clear/normal' but the person is clearly not well. its scary! he said some people he just gives them a year and sometimes they get better and sometimes they dont. I'm not sure if I was reassured by him or terrified but I guess he was just being honest about the cases he deals with. for further testing, I do have digestion issues as well which I know is common in wd and something id need to have looked at if it didn't improve but my main concern is the walking situation. seems a bit too dreamlike to think I'll be walking normal again. did you experience shock? how long until you were able to think clearly again? 

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