LostRunner: took citalopram for 7 days - feel terrible 7 weeks later

[LostRunner]

Thanks @mstimc I know that the drugs caused my physical issues. It’s upsetting that drs don’t recognise it. But then the same dr didn’t listen to me when I said the medication was making me feel ill and just upped my dose. I was very active before this, in January I was running 2-3 times a week and I’m 30 years old. 31 today.. such a sad way to spend a birthday. I appreciate your messages thank you. 

[sunnysideup69]

Hi @LostRunner, you will recover, it's just much slower than any of us would like. 

I'm now two years out from the beginnings of WD ordeal, and am feeling a lot better....not saying this to freak you out, but just to show you it takes time.

 

Keep hanging in there, life won't always be like it is now xxx

[LostRunner]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 how has your return to work been? 
 

Dont worry I know if I’m going to get better it’s most likely going to take a lot of time. its so hard not knowing how much function I’m expected to get back. I think it’s probably too much too expect I’ll return to walking normally and my back won’t feel so unsteady.. I know I don’t know this but really I feel so very damaged. It’s hard to think what goals I can have for myself when it’s so uncertain what I can physically do. Career goals, children etc etc.. I’m just a mess quite honestly. 

[christianjw12]

1 hour ago, LostRunner said:

Thanks @sunnysideup69 how has your return to work been? 
 

Dont worry I know if I’m going to get better it’s most likely going to take a lot of time. its so hard not knowing how much function I’m expected to get back. I think it’s probably too much too expect I’ll return to walking normally and my back won’t feel so unsteady.. I know I don’t know this but really I feel so very damaged. It’s hard to think what goals I can have for myself when it’s so uncertain what I can physically do. Career goals, children etc etc.. I’m just a mess quite honestly. 

Hi @LostRunner, just believe in yourself even though it's very hard. I'm also a WD case but mine is way easier compared to yours. Mine is more focused on cognitive issues and emotions. I have lost all my ability to focus so I can hardly read a book, watch a tv show and even talking to people is hard sometimes because I get random thoughts every other second so I can't pay attention to what I'm doing. And sometimes I get severe anxiety attack but what helped me is really Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Practising Acceptance doesn't mean to let your WD take you down. It means not to try to control your own experience (worrying is therefore not acceptance), believe you'll heal, it takes times even thought it can be very hard. Neuroplasticity is a real thing, no one is therefore meant to suffer forever from WD. Your brain just need times but no one can know how long it can take. I am 5 months off Lexapro and it was also hell for me the first 4 months, I saw almost no light inside this tunnel. Plus the lockdown didn't help at all, everyday was suffering and I saw no meaning in this. Every day, I woke up, I just wanted to sleep until I recover but it couldn't be the case, life must go on. During the lockdown, many times when I called my girlfriend I told her this is really hell, I see no hope and I eventually started to cry. She's never see me like this and she felt my psychogical pain even though she can't share it with me. She told me to keep going on, I'll one day recover and I'll come to this forum and share my sucess story there. And then I made a promise to myself that I'll not let my own thoughts take over my life, that even though it's hard, my thoughts can't harm me, I'll experience every sort of pain. Accept your situation, it's hard but I'm sure you can. Don't let your own negative thoughts take over your life even though it's very painful. But life isn't about seeking happiness, it's about living a life full of values.

 

[LostRunner]

Thanks @christianjw12 I’ve totally lost myself. I really hope you get some sort of normality soon. It’s terrible how these drugs make you lose all sight of who you are. I’m also doing that therapy as well. I find it very difficult at the moment. 

[christianjw12]

Yes keep practicing Mindfulness and Acceptance. It'll be easier and easier !

[sunnysideup69]

11 hours ago, LostRunner said:

Thanks @sunnysideup69 how has your return to work been?

 

Exhausting! However, I'm WAY better than this time last year....this time last year, I couldn't work, had made the Switch to Venlafaxine and felt mental. I was all over the place emotionally. Am much stronger in that respect and not having random mood swings, thank god. I've also started to want to do things socially again.....too knackered right now, but am also gently pushing myself a bit.

 

It must be difficult having had such a strong physical adverse effect from the drugs. Sending you good wishes for your full recovery. Keep yourself focussed on the improvements, however small.

 

[LostRunner]

@sunnysideup69 I bet! They all sound like wonderful improvements. Well done for getting through it all. 
 

Yeah it’s very difficult (to put it mildly ha) I can’t imagine being part of life again. The worst is knowing how avoidable it all was and how I wasn’t listened to by my doctor and how I just accepted what was being told to me and hurt myself in the process. That’s something I don’t know how I’ll get past or accept.

 

I feel crazy with the level of regret I feel. A week of a drug and now I have no life! Mental. this all happened before the pandemic kicked in too which obviously has been devastating for many and put a lot of things in perspective for people. my drug reaction in comparison makes me feel so stupid & embarrassed. I had anxiety sure but it wasn’t anything to be medicated for. I don’t even feel anxiety anymore. I just feel depressed and hopeless which is far worse. 

[mstimc]

Lost,

 

Beating yourself up over past actions serves no purpose.  You've learned some valuable lessons about medication and making decisions about your health.  You're not stupid; you took the advice of a professional who we should trust.  The important thing is what you want to do with the rest of your life.  You can come out of this stronger and wiser--and be every bit as physically well as you were before.  Recovering from AD withdrawal or adverse reaction takes time and patience, but you will do it!

[LostRunner]

Thanks @mstimc genuinely feels like I’m dying constantly everyday. So much damage! 

[mstimc]

8 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

hanks @mstimc genuinely feels like I’m dying constantly everyday. So much damage! 

 

I know it seems that way now, but things will get better.  As we like to day, each day is a day closer to recovery. 

 

 A few posts ago, I mentioned an ab strain that's been driving me nuts for a few months. Just yesterday I found a great e-book on muscle "trigger points" and how they persist for a long time.  Two big contributors are sedentary lifestyle combined with bad posture and, of course, mental state.  The strain kicked up during the lockdown when I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch watching TV or hunched over the computer, and of course its causing me some heath anxiety, so its all working to keep me in a painful state.  Besides working on physical therapy, I need to work on reducing my anxiety and moving around more. 

 

The point is our habits and thought patters can lock us into behaviors that confirm our beliefs and fears.  If you work toward physical and behavioral recovery instead of focusing on the past and the condition you're in now, you'll find your recovery will be a little easier and faster.

[LostRunner]

My shaking back seems to be something neurological . I wish there was something that could help. I was strong before the drug. I’ve been to a chiropractor and I try to walk all I can but the movement pulsing thing has a mind of its own. Just constant. Legs are like lead. Drives me crazy. 

[mstimc]

44 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

8 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

My shaking back seems to be something neurological . I wish there was something that could help. I was strong before the drug. I’ve been to a chiropractor and I try to walk all I can but the movement pulsing thing has a mind of its own. Just constant. Legs are like lead. Drives me crazy. 

 

 

The book I'm reading made an interesting observation.  Our brains want to find a reason or cause for pain and other physical problems.  The problem is, if we can't see the cause of pain (e.g.a bruise or a cut), the brain settles on whatever it can find.  That's the whole theory behind referred pain, where a problem in one part of our bodies manifests elsewhere.  Our thoughts reinforce that perception until we create a reality of pain.  Anxiety, depression and other emotional problems can indeed manifest as physical ailments, and our brains naturally reinforce it.  To my knowledge, from my experience here and on another recovery site, drug use alone has never caused permanent  physical or neurological damage.  I think @Gridleycan confirm my opinion.  What they do is create a vicious cycle of thought - pain - belief - thought - pain that will continue until the chain is broken. Pulsing and twitching muscles, even to the point of serious pain, are a pretty common manifestation of depression and WD. 

[LostRunner]

I’ve seen loads online about neurotoxicity and adverse reactions which is pretty scary. People suffering the same for years physically and mentally and claim they’re not any better etc. The experience Seems very different from withdrawal. I’m very damaged. I wouldn’t be bad if I hadn’t have taken so much.
 

I believe I had a type of seizure on the last night of taking this drug (I blacked out, shook all over and had flashing lights, severe burning all over my body). Saw my dr straight away the next morning but she didn't take me seriously and sent me home. I was so out of it I just did what she said. No idea why. Im pretty sure I had serotonin syndrome in hindsight. I had every symptom except coma and was very confused and agitated. It makes me cringe to think what my body/ brain went through and how terrible the drs responses were. From what I’ve seen on here I’m in a different category to other adverse reactions and therefore don’t really know what kind of recovery I can realistically expect. 

[mstimc]

Lost, in the past few months I've worked with at least two members who were absolutely convinced they had unique physical and mental problems nobody else experienced.  They also though they'd never recover.  I know the moderators and mentors can share many other stories of people who thought they'd never get better, but they did.  We all have unique withdrawal and recovery arcs and we all suffer uniquely.  But we call can succeed.

 

Your posts are very past-oriented.  You regret going on the meds, you regret listening to your doctors, you blame yourself for taking them.  None of this will help your recovery.  Instead of regretting the past, think about how you want your future to look and work towards that.  If your back and hips hurt, what exercises or physical therapy can you get to improve?  If you're depressed, how can you improve your negative thinking habits?  Forgive yourself and others so you can leave all that in the past.  You're young and have a great life ahead of you, not the one behind you.  

Edited September 13, 2020 by mstimc

[LostRunner]

Yep I am still caught up in the past. Maybe because I haven’t physically improved at all so it’s hard to get any distance from it. Plus I find it hard to not have stories to relate to. Surely withdrawal and adverse reactions are different. Adverse reactions are just poisonings and damage. 

My back and hips don’t hurt. I just can’t control them as I normally would. They are shaking and unsteady as are my legs. Exercise does not improve this. I have counsellors I speak to for the mental health and to just try to get through the days. I just don’t see a way forward. I want my life back I want to plan things and have a job and be a person. I can’t do any of it. Getting ready in the morning is a mission in itself. Showering and dressing is physically so hard and feels pointless. I hate moaning but also I have no life whatsoever. My brain is mush. It’s like I’ve had a lobotomy. Ringing In my head all the time. Sorry I don’t expect you to have answers at all and I know moaning is pointless. Just got no hope. 

[Gridley]

6 hours ago, mstimc said:

drug use alone has never caused permanent  physical or neurological damage.  I think @Gridleycan confirm my opinion.

That has been our experience here on this site.

 

5 hours ago, LostRunner said:

Surely withdrawal and adverse reactions are different.

 

They are different but the symptoms are very similar.  Healing is generally more linear with an adverse reaction (not so many ups and downs), just a slow progress toward healing.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.  Time is the healer.

[Hanna72]

Hi @LostRunner

 

6 hours ago, LostRunner said:

My back and hips don’t hurt. I just can’t control them as I normally would. They are shaking and unsteady as are my legs

Have you tried swimming? It has many benefits if you have a hard time controlling your body

Sometimes when we are faced with hard times, we need to make a conscious decision and effort  on what we can do to make things just a little bit more easier.
Dwelling in the past will not do anything for you. 
 Make this journey a starting point to what you want your life to be. Use the struggles and make them count as a push towards a better life and a better you. 

Believe you can

and you are half way there 

All the best to you 🙏

 

 

[LostRunner]

Thanks @Gridley I can give it more time for now but the thought of this long term is impossible. 

 

Hi @Hanna72 not yet no, I’m a bit worried about going to a pool cause of weakness and dizziness but maybe will give it a go if I feel up to it. I’ve not noticed any improvements and it gets me down. Cant trust my body at all when I move anymore. I’m in such acute torture with this back stuff that I can’t do/ think of much else. Need a break! It feels so long now and it’s really scary 

 

 

[LostRunner]

Another really hard thing is missed opportunities. Both personally and with work, I’ve been offered jobs that I have to say no to them as I just can’t physically do them. It’s the hardest most frustrating thing. I’d love to do work. Even if it meant it made time go faster. It so hard to live with all of this 

[mstimc]

12 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Hi @LostRunner

 

Sometimes when we are faced with hard times, we need to make a conscious decision and effort  on what we can do to make things just a little bit more easier.
Dwelling in the past will not do anything for you. 
 Make this journey a starting point to what you want your life to be. Use the struggles and make them count as a push towards a better life and a better you. 

Believe you can

and you are half way there 

All the best to you 🙏

 

 

 

This is great advice from Hannah!  Maybe next time you get a job offer you should seriously consider taking it instead of being fearful of what might happen if you take it.  You need to do something to take your attention from your symptoms and recurring negative thinking. Until you make the conscious decision to make some small improvements, you'll be stuck where you are.

[LostRunner]

Definitely good advice. Physically it’s super tough. I’m sofa bound most of the time atm and my job is very physical. So I know there are genuinely limits to what I can do. As you say it’s about figuring out what I can do and trying to distract as best I can. Aaah! 

 

[Hanna72]

@LostRunner

1 hour ago, LostRunner said:

As you say it’s about figuring out what I can do and trying to distract as best I can. Aaah! 

That’s the spirit 👍

[matt6558]

Hi LostRunner! 

 

I was wondering whether you are doing better! I recently came off lexapro and experiencing similar physical symptoms including heavy arms & weak legs and jaw muscle pain, eye strain.. I am so surprised by the fact that you were not on medication not so, and got many symptoms. hope you feel better! 

[LostRunner]

Hi @matt6558 unfortunately not better yet, but I really pushed my adverse reaction and took it much longer than I should have or that my body could really cope with. I was very stupid to keep taking it for 7 days! Although it’s a short amount of time I really don’t think my body could process it at all. I hope you’re doing okay yourself, have you noticed improvements?

[LostRunner]

Does anyone know what's happened biologically during an adverse reaction?

 

I feel so damaged its unreal. how this is going to improve I dont understand. I feel so changed and damaged and nothing I do makes me feel any better. why is my body still an absolute mess? I don't get any windows at all. its getting very tiring. how can I have hope when it feels like there is none? how can this even be real. is this just how my body works now? I think I could find a way to deal with mental symptoms alone but physical as well makes me despair. its inhumane!

[christianjw12]

16 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

Does anyone know what's happened biologically during an adverse reaction?

 

I feel so damaged its unreal. how this is going to improve I dont understand. I feel so changed and damaged and nothing I do makes me feel any better. why is my body still an absolute mess? I don't get any windows at all. its getting very tiring. how can I have hope when it feels like there is none? how can this even be real. is this just how my body works now? I could deal with mental symptoms alone but physical as well makes me despair. 

 

Hi @LostRunner, it's normal to feel bad during withdrawal or adverse reaction. We may feel despair and so hopeless that most of us would seriously consider suicide as an option to get peace. I am sure most of us have thought about it and maybe some have even attempted it. The only thing that we can do is really to accept the situation because worrying will only amplify our symptoms.

Some people in this forum took up to 5-6 years to fully recover and most of them didn't feel well at all the first 2-3 years. No one knows how long it's going to take but if we only worry about how long it will take to get to the arrival, we forget to live our lives. Even though we are damaged, we can still live a life full of values, think about those who are permanently disabled, contrary to us, they don't recover, if they lose their arm or their feet, they really lost it. Yet they still manage to find a meaning in their lives and get toward this direction, believe you'll heal, don't try to count every second your adverse reaction lasts, you'll CERTAINLY recover, but the timeline is unknown.

[LostRunner]

@christianjw12 hello - hope you're doing okay. I just cant fathom spending years like this.. I know, I can completely get why people consider suicide because of this and I hate that I do. it's so sad to feel that desperate.

 

I honestly cant live a life like this.. in this state anyway.. physically and mentally I'm just not a person. incapable physically and I can't offer meaningful interactions. just zilch. I feel guilty when thinking of other people who seem to cope better. my back is by far the most ridiculous and disabling symptom for me.. i'm permanently off balance and shaking even when Im sitting down! I need it to stop vibrating but I dont know maybe it won't.. it has been over 7 months now. sorry to be a misery. im an absolute idiot to have done this to myself. There's also just no help out there medically. nothing at all 

[christianjw12]

1 minute ago, LostRunner said:

@christianjw12 hello - hope you're doing okay. I just cant fathom spending years like this.. I know, I can completely get why people consider suicide because of this and I hate that I do. it's so sad to feel that desperate.

 

I honestly cant live a life like this.. in this state anyway.. physically and mentally I'm just not a person. incapable physically and I can't offer meaningful interactions. just zilch. I feel guilty when thinking of other people who seem to cope better. my back is by far the most ridiculous and disabling symptom for me.. i'm permanently off balance and shaking even when Im sitting down! I need it to stop vibrating but I dont know maybe it won't.. it has been over 7 months now. sorry to be a misery.

 

@LostRunner, you'll get better, trust me. Every person who wrote a success story in this forum was just there in this state of despair like you. They probably didn't see any light in this dark place but they eventually recovered. Trust me you will as well. Worrying and being resignated will only amplify your suffering. If you can't get balance then don't look for it, just let your body shakes, this is acceptance, controlling is not acceptance. Accepting things we can't change will save us energy so we can put our attention elsewhere.

[LostRunner]

Thanks @christianjw12 im happy (and also very jealous) that you've had improvements. its insane how bad I still am and yet others have made dramatic improvements.. makes so sense at all

[christianjw12]

1 minute ago, LostRunner said:

Thanks @christianjw12 im happy (and also very jealous) that you've had improvements. its insane how bad I still am and yet others have made dramatic improvements.. makes so sense at all

 

I remember when I was so hopeless I saw a post on Instagram. It was a girl who suffered severe depression and probably considered suicide many times. She posted with a message writting that our story will serve someone's as a survival guide one day. You'll eventually post a success story there and it will give hope to people who at this moment will feel despair and so hopeless like you are now. It's normal to think that we are forever damaged in this state but I can guarantee you that you're not and you will eventually come back one day and tell somebody who'll suffer an adverse reaction that things will improve and get better no matter how hard we suffer.

[LostRunner]

@christianjw12  I would love to be able to do that!

[Nyfa25]

@LostRunner Hey, I'm like you, I took an AD only 14 days and that was si awfull, this adverse reaction is a nightmare for me too, I feel so desperate like you... Its been now 3 months and I see no ameliorations... so i just want to tell you  you're not alone and I hope we're healing and finding our life back...

 

 

[LostRunner]

Thanks @Nyfa25 sorry you’ve found yourself here. I really believe you’ll be fine and recover. Hang on in there! 

[Ashkaye]

My main symptom is anxiety and it’s so bad every single day. I’m 2 months out from and adverse reaction and most days have no relief. Just small moments. I never had anxiety before this. 

[LostRunner]

Hi @Ashkaye that will go! Just need more time, those small moments will get bigger.