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boymom

not sure what the point was

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boymom

Its hard looking at my photos. that girl was so happy but so full of pride. too proud to take a med for a little anxiety. i didnt know ocd was laying in wait for me. yeah i know ocd symptoms are common in withdrawl. one thing that haunts me are 7 little words i remember telling myseld when my boy was small "hurt yourself before you hurt that baby". i dont remember why i said it. i can remember being afraid to wash him but what new parent isnt? but why would i have said that. its so long ago i wish i could remember. oh well...fast forward to all of this. came off of zoloft and then crazy withdrawls hit. anxiety i had never experienced before and then a few traumas and then the scary intrusive thoughts started. then came the poly drugging. then came the S.I.s. i weaned myself so slowly off of lexapro but the anxiety got worse and worse. i wanted to live again! i found SA. I had no idea if this crazy new anxiety was from the drug or the withdrawl bc both were happeneing at the same time. I just had no idea bc docs say one week of this or one week of that cant cause anything. now i know 1 pill can alter your brain. I didnt know i would become one of "the ones" until one day it happened and i have been in a state of shock ever since. The ones whos brains melt. the akathesia. the worsened homicidal thoughts. the psychosis. the vomitting. the anger at those who experience brain zaps and nausea and call themselves the worst cases...returning to work a few weeks or months later. i look at my son and i cant believe this happened to his mom. she was happy and capable. now i woll always be the mom who went insane and wrnt to all those psych wards only to be drugged beyond insanity. i wish i could forget the trauma ive endured but i cant. I dont know what is permanent now. other than the fact that i will never be the "me" i loved and who loved life. im not wven the me who looks forward to waking up and living life. im the me that copes until bedtime, daring not to look up at peoples faces. not in anyones eyes. the life of the party who can no longer leave her property. The girl who lost every bit of what ot meant to be "Sara". I love community. Family. Snuggles. Laughter. I was the hilarious friend who would show up hammer in hand if you needed help at your house. now....i cant even look at hammers. Its hard to not wonder where God was when i cried out to him as i slid from heaven to hell. Jesus cried out to God when he knew what was facing him and God turned away but it was for the good of humanity...what was this the "good of"? No identity. Just pain. Never to work again or to feel joy. I will never be who i was ever again. Why couldnt i just have brain zaps and nausea? Why did i have to turn so bitter. Im just 41.

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aleetree

Personally I had the same effects with withdrawal from other medications. I had never really noticed my OCD I guess I thought everyone was like me and then I was told otherwise. Maybe the withdrawal made me go onto overdrive or something... I started thinking all these terrible things. I couldn’t go to the kitchen.. I was scared I’d hurt someone. My brain made it so real. But I know it wasn’t. I’m not that person. It took a lot of inner discussion for me to really shake my own self and tell myself “you don’t want this. You’ve never wanted this. Your brain is just ******* with you” 

As for feeling like yourself. I get the same feeling. I don’t know what or who I am right now. Something that made it easier is believing mostly I don’t have to live up to everything I thought I was. I started small, what foods I liked, clothes, movies and tv shows and slowly moved into things I felt triggered my brain like philosophy. My meaning changes, it can be for my mother, for curiosity of what the future could hold for me. I’ve never wanted to be the person to say “it gets easier” I honestly could never believe someone that said that. But inner constructive conversations are something the future holds. I think I’m alive because of that. If you ever feel like you’d like to talk I’m always free. 

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