SolarPlexus Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Hello fellow warriors. I hope that you are all well and healing ❤️ I wish to ask a question. Is severe self-loathing a withdrawal symptom? I did struggle with shaky self-esteem and obsessive thinking before taking the medications, and was prone to psychological self-flagellation. Right now, 21 months into withdrawal from Cipralex (aka Lexapro), I am seeing improvements in some physical symptoms, but things are now on a whole other level of difficult in terms of psychological symptoms. I literally feel there is a demon inside me that virulently despises me. I can't seem to come up with positive thoughts about myself despite seeking therapy, listening to endless audios on self-love, and repeating affirmations. I feel as though I am out on a psychological battlefield with a sword, set out to destroy myself. I do not seem to remember any of my virtues at the moment. I just criticize myself and how and why I ended up in this state. I no longer know if this is just a severe worsening of my pre-med conditions, or whether it has to do with the turbulence going on in my CNS due to withdrawal? If so, will it go away? Is anyone else experiencing this? FYI some of my other current WD symptoms (which have varied tremendously in the past 21 months - it's been a rollercoaster) include electro-magnetic sensitivity, brain fog and short term memory weakening (especially with regards to name recall), teeth grinding, sensitivity to loud sound, a fizzy sensation in my head (like the crackling of fizzy lollipops), and waking up every single day at 3 or 3.30 a.m. with racing heartbeats and a flurry of negative thoughts and memories, and unable to go back to sleep. Grateful for input/insights. Thank you, kind friends. Summer 2016 - summer 2018: put on Lexapro, going from 5 mg up to 20 mg over the span of the 2 years (had visited shrink for help with obsessive thinking, was not diagnosed with anything in particular, just prescribed Lexapro 15 mins into first session) Summer 2018: tapered down by 2.5 mg every few weeks Protracted withdrawal ever since. 0-14 months began with a massive panic attack that landed me in ER, followed by prolonged anxiety, mental fog and a skin rash on my back. Was regularly consuming alcohol as did not know I was in WD. From then onwards, hit with worse myriad symptoms. Currently at 22 months and have electromagnetic sensitivity, brain zaps, brain fog, memory problems (especially name recall), twitch in right eyebrow, daily waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. with fast heartbeats and "sticky" negative memories, suicidal thoughts, rage episodes, temperature dysregulation, physical numbness & weakness, libido loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus ChessieCat Posted May 20, 2020 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted May 20, 2020 shame-guilt-regret-and-self-criticism * NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA * MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: (6 year taper) 0mg Pristiq on 13th November 2021 ADs since ~1992: 25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq: 50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity) Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021 LAST DOSE 0.0025mg Post 0 updates start here My tapering program My Intro (goes to tapering graph) VIDEO: Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SolarPlexus Posted May 20, 2020 Author Share Posted May 20, 2020 4 hours ago, ChessieCat said: shame-guilt-regret-and-self-criticism @ChessieCat thank you so much for this. Very soothing read. I'll work on shifting my thoughts, the 5-second exercise mentioned, and I'll keep coming back to this article for inspiration. I appreciate your kind help and wish you a wonderful day. Summer 2016 - summer 2018: put on Lexapro, going from 5 mg up to 20 mg over the span of the 2 years (had visited shrink for help with obsessive thinking, was not diagnosed with anything in particular, just prescribed Lexapro 15 mins into first session) Summer 2018: tapered down by 2.5 mg every few weeks Protracted withdrawal ever since. 0-14 months began with a massive panic attack that landed me in ER, followed by prolonged anxiety, mental fog and a skin rash on my back. Was regularly consuming alcohol as did not know I was in WD. From then onwards, hit with worse myriad symptoms. Currently at 22 months and have electromagnetic sensitivity, brain zaps, brain fog, memory problems (especially name recall), twitch in right eyebrow, daily waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. with fast heartbeats and "sticky" negative memories, suicidal thoughts, rage episodes, temperature dysregulation, physical numbness & weakness, libido loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Onmyway Posted May 20, 2020 Moderator Share Posted May 20, 2020 16 hours ago, SolarPlexus said: Hello fellow warriors. I hope that you are all well and healing ❤️ I wish to ask a question. Is severe self-loathing a withdrawal symptom? I did struggle with shaky self-esteem and obsessive thinking before taking the medications, and was prone to psychological self-flagellation. Right now, 21 months into withdrawal from Cipralex (aka Lexapro), I am seeing improvements in some physical symptoms, but things are now on a whole other level of difficult in terms of psychological symptoms. I literally feel there is a demon inside me that virulently despises me. I can't seem to come up with positive thoughts about myself despite seeking therapy, listening to endless audios on self-love, and repeating affirmations. I feel as though I am out on a psychological battlefield with a sword, set out to destroy myself. I do not seem to remember any of my virtues at the moment. I just criticize myself and how and why I ended up in this state. I no longer know if this is just a severe worsening of my pre-med conditions, or whether it has to do with the turbulence going on in my CNS due to withdrawal? If so, will it go away? Is anyone else experiencing this? FYI some of my other current WD symptoms (which have varied tremendously in the past 21 months - it's been a rollercoaster) include electro-magnetic sensitivity, brain fog and short term memory weakening (especially with regards to name recall), teeth grinding, sensitivity to loud sound, a fizzy sensation in my head (like the crackling of fizzy lollipops), and waking up every single day at 3 or 3.30 a.m. with racing heartbeats and a flurry of negative thoughts and memories, and unable to go back to sleep. Grateful for input/insights. Thank you, kind friends. SP, Seems like you are still in the thick of it. Is the therapist helping at all? It you are doing CBT it might be worth working on 'core beliefs' and 'rules you live by'. For example, core beliefs can include things like - "If I make a mistake, that means I'm a bad person" which can result in a rule such as "I must never make a mistake". If you have those beliefs and rules and find yourself in a situation such as withdrawal where you are suffering, it's easy to start being extremely rigid with yourself and try to find where "you" made mistakes to be in the situation. The truth is, it's not our fault we are in this situation. We trusted our doctors and we should in an ideal world. If you want to learn more about CBT and core beliefs work (beyond most basic CBT) look for Judith Beck's book. Having suggested that book though a lot of these feelings are chemical. I have waves where anger or obsessive thoughts are beyond any help. But often working through them can help at least a little. "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SolarPlexus Posted May 21, 2020 Author Share Posted May 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Onmyway said: SP, Seems like you are still in the thick of it. Is the therapist helping at all? It you are doing CBT it might be worth working on 'core beliefs' and 'rules you live by'. For example, core beliefs can include things like - "If I make a mistake, that means I'm a bad person" which can result in a rule such as "I must never make a mistake". If you have those beliefs and rules and find yourself in a situation such as withdrawal where you are suffering, it's easy to start being extremely rigid with yourself and try to find where "you" made mistakes to be in the situation. The truth is, it's not our fault we are in this situation. We trusted our doctors and we should in an ideal world. If you want to learn more about CBT and core beliefs work (beyond most basic CBT) look for Judith Beck's book. Having suggested that book though a lot of these feelings are chemical. I have waves where anger or obsessive thoughts are beyond any help. But often working through them can help at least a little. @Onmyway Thank you for your kind reply. Talk therapy isn't helping me that much. My psychological condition significantly worsens in PMS (which I am going through now). I am not doing CBT. Was just seeing a regular psychologist - talking and having her help me come up with positive counter-thoughts. I stopped the sessions though as they were not helping. I currently meditate and try to distract with other things. I will check out Judith Beck' book. Thank you for your recommendation. I think my brain chemistry is playing a big part in my present emotions (or neuro-emotions rather), because two days ago I had a rage episode at someone close to me, and I have never done that with them before. After I flipped, I thought later "what on earth was that?" I am just not entirely myself at the moment. Anyway will check out the book. Hopefully it helps. I wish you a great day and appreciate your help and advice. Summer 2016 - summer 2018: put on Lexapro, going from 5 mg up to 20 mg over the span of the 2 years (had visited shrink for help with obsessive thinking, was not diagnosed with anything in particular, just prescribed Lexapro 15 mins into first session) Summer 2018: tapered down by 2.5 mg every few weeks Protracted withdrawal ever since. 0-14 months began with a massive panic attack that landed me in ER, followed by prolonged anxiety, mental fog and a skin rash on my back. Was regularly consuming alcohol as did not know I was in WD. From then onwards, hit with worse myriad symptoms. Currently at 22 months and have electromagnetic sensitivity, brain zaps, brain fog, memory problems (especially name recall), twitch in right eyebrow, daily waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. with fast heartbeats and "sticky" negative memories, suicidal thoughts, rage episodes, temperature dysregulation, physical numbness & weakness, libido loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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