Fightinghard: overcoming

[saimshah]

@Fightinghard it is good to know your symtoms are getting better. I am praying for you and all others on this forum to get well soon.

 

i m feeling very bad. i was not able to sleep from last 3 to 4 days again and last night was very hard on me. cartisol surges started again with full power, fire like going through my body also too much sweating. imagine my shirt was like i dipped it into the water. Too much high anxiety and intrusive thoughts which leads to these cortisol surges.  i dont know what i should do. sometime i think i start AD again and taper it slowly atleast i will out of this hell for sometime. i m totally exusated. you are very brave u can walk. I think 10 times before going to washroom. No one around me . Any idea what i should do ? 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  Thanks for the encouragement!  I’ve had these moments before and I’ve made it through so I’ll keep my focus on that and move forward.  The time will pass. It’s incredibly hard especially when a few days ago i was feeling decent for the most part.  I can’t dwell on that.  I’m in that mode of focusing hour to hour. My pattern has been in get hit hard with something then it slowly recedes over a few days so I’m hoping the intensity drops off quickly. Regardless it will pass. 
 Thanks again!  

[Fightinghard]

@saimshah Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!  This is a difficult wave for me so far but it will pass. 
 

 I’m sorry you’re going through hard times.  I feel your pain. I wish i had answers for you but the best i can say is to use your coping skills to manage your situation as best you can.  I don’t know enough about reinstatement to give you a fair opinion.  I know that it is a very personal decision that you would need to weigh out.  So the best i can offer is to talk with the moderators here and try to get all the information you can so you can make the right decision for you. When i reviewed my situation and all the information i decided it wasn’t the best option for me and my family. 
 

good luck!

[saimshah]

@Fightinghard you are very brave you will get through it. I have a gut feeling.

 

What is your advice as a friend for me. should i keep moving or take AD . just your idea in my situation nothing else. I have tried so much to contact moderators but no one replied me properly except 2 or 3 small replies.

 

 

[Fightinghard]

@saimshah  Thanks!  Yes I’ll get through it.  Time is the answer.  
 

I understand where you are in the process.  To be honest, my answer really isn’t going to help you. Regardless of what i think or tell you, your Anxious mind will debate this looking for a level of certainty that just isn’t possible.  This is a big decision that only you can make in my opinion. Reinstatement has risks that i was not willing to take.  But many do and for some it works out.   I truly don’t think there is a right answer here.  It’s all about weighing your options based on the risks and your personal situation.  So I’m sorry if I’m not answering you but i truly don’t have an opinion because i don’t know the result either way.  If i knew that reinstating would be an easier path for you, I’d tell you. Or if I knew your WD would get better next month I’d be happy to tell you stick it out. But all i know is time is the only thing that can heal us either way and you have to do the best you can to cope which ever path you choose.  It’s more a question can you tolerate and manage the path you are on knowing over time it will get better?  
 

The Mods are pretty busy so hang tight.  Also, they probably won’t tell you what to do.  But they can provide information that can help you make your decision. 
 

I hope you feel better soon.  Take it day by day. It does slowly get better.  

[saimshah]

helo bud, how are you today. 

[saimshah]

@Fightinghard just trying to touch base with you. how are you feeling now ?  evetything alright with you ?

[Fightinghard]

I’m in an interesting phase right now.  I’d have to say it’s still windows and waves but most symptoms are diminishing in intensity and duration.  My anxiety as a whole has been low and less often.  My baseline is better overall.   My body has had a calmer feeling.  My hunger seems less intense and closer to normal.  Sound sensitivity comes and goes but generally with much less intensity.  My startle reflex is also less often and intense.  Sleep is still up and down with some good/decent nights and some bad nights.  Last night was bad probably 3-4 hours but the positive is not a lot of anxiety or panic or fear.  I woke up early and just couldn’t go back to sleep.   As a whole, My mind has been stronger and more myself.  I do have quite a bit of muscle tension in my upper neck and neck.  Libido is low and my general mood is low energy and less motivation.  My thought is my cortisol is dropping so less anxiety as well as other symptoms but now I’ve lost that anxious feeling which helped keep me active and motivated.  Couple that with sleep deprivation and it makes sense to me.  This morning, at least right now, my morning anxiety/dread/doom is at most a 2 out of 10 after a terrible nights sleep.  Compared to the past 10/10 feelings.   I think that’s a positive.  

 

Today is a big day for me;  I’m taking my daughter to her cheer competition. I’m looking forward to it but because of my experience at the last one, it may explain my sleep problem even though my anxiety has been minimal. Cheer events are loud and busy!  With my sound sensitivity and just general condition after the last event i had a spike in symptoms.  Not horrible but enough that it’s in my head.  So I’ll muscle through and hope for the best.  Because of the pandemic it will be quick;  I’ll leave at 8:45 and probably be home by 11. I hate that I’m in this state of mind that hinders my ability to just enjoy this but I’ll still make the best of it. 
 

These past 8 months of recovery plus the 3 months of medications have been long and difficult.  I’m definitely much better than i was several months ago and for sure when i was on the meds.  I have quite a bit of healing to do before I’m past the medications and WD but I’m making progress.  As I’ve mentioned before, I think true recovery for me lies in my work on my GAD and’ natural anxiety’. I’ve been using Claire Weeks and ‘the anxious truth’ techniques quite often and i wonder if the benefits are now starting to show.  I’ve been floating through my anxiety more easily and regularly which i attribute to my better state of mind overall. So i think my body is healing from the WD and my mind is recovering from the GAD so hopefully in the not too distant future I’ll get past the remaining symptoms and put this in my past.  Time will tell.  
 

When an anxious mind starts to lose the anxious feeling its accustomed to it puts you in a weird state.  I realize now I’ve always relied on anxiety as my motivator.  Not having it now almost makes me feel like i don’t care or I’m not going to do something.  But I’ve learned it’s okay to feel ‘nothing’.  That’s not bad.  It’s doesn’t mean things won’t get done or i care less.  I’m learning feelings and thoughts have no power in what you do.  So just accept them for what they are and stay in the moment.   Feeling bad doesn’t mean You can’t do something.  Now that said, with WD, I’ve debated this because I don’t want to overdo things and set off my symptoms into a wave but it still remains true. I can choose not to do something but that doesn’t mean i can’t do it.  

So today I’ll push through and enjoy it and make the most of it.  I’m sure I’ll be tired, i may have anxiety or some other symptoms but I’ll make it through. 
 

As I’ve said before, I’m trying to stay away from the internet and SA.  Just to keep my mind in recovery mode.  I still jump on here and there and I’m sure I’ll continue to post as i feel the desire.  This morning i wanted to share my experience because i know for me seeing people progress in their recovery helps me so much in the hard times.  This also helps me so when i look back a month or 2 from now i have perspective on my progress.

 

 I continue to pray for healing and recovery from everyone going through this!  Things do slowly improve!
 

 

[mstimc]

31 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

 But I’ve learned it’s okay to feel ‘nothing’.  That’s not bad.  It’s doesn’t mean things won’t get done or i care less.  I’m learning feelings and thoughts have no power in what you do.  So just accept them for what they are and stay in the moment.  

Good luck to you and your daughter at cheer today!

 

That "empty" feeling is pretty normal in recovery.  Its that infamous 10-pound ball getting a little smaller, but still big enough to be felt.  Anxiety is a powerful emotion and I think our minds want to replace it with something just as powerful.  So it takes a while to acclimate to not feeling some kind of overwhelming emotion of any type.  But you are doing all the right things and you're on a solid track to recovery!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks!  It should be a fun morning!  
 

The 10 pound weight analogy explains it well. I’m really starting to understand how my anxiety works. If I’m not’ feeling’ something whether good or bad I’m anxious. I agree with you my anxiety is finding something else to stick to.  So I just let it be and just move forward with my day.  I’ll continue to have windows and waves out good and bad days but it sure seems like recovery is happening.  

[Fightinghard]

Let me start with the positives today. I took my daughter to her cheer competition and it went really well!  Her team placed 1st!  It was a proud dad moment.  I’m so glad i took her.  After cheer i went with my wife to get her second covid shot.  She did fine and I’m relieved that she vaccinated.  I then took my older son to practice driving for his license.  From there i went shopping with my wife for a bit for some bedroom furniture... last night we ordered food and my wife watched a movie.  I’m still just not able to tolerate watching tv.  Occasionally i can watch some things but not recently.  So it was a busy day that for the most part i felt ‘ok’.  Low symptoms with some restlessness in my legs and very mild anxiety.  I guess Low mood and tired. I actually dozed off for 10-15 minutes in my car while i waited for my wife to get her shot. That was the first time in a will i could actually fall asleep during the day without a surge of anxiety or dread.  So for the most of the day, it was ok.  Far from normal feelings but manageable.  Then last night came.  Probably beginning late evening, 7pm or so, my sensitivity to sound and just ‘life’ ramped up.  This feeling of dread and fear progressively increased. Any sound that i heard that was loud or out of the ordinary ‘startled’ me with a surge of fear.  I’ve had this before probably a few weeks so if not longer so i was prepared.  Mentally i knew i want ‘scared’ but my body felt that way.  So i hunkered down with ear plugs and played really light music while sleeping.  I did sleep some albeit broken but still ‘ok’ for my WD.  This morning I’m still in the fear and dread mode but to a lesser degree.  It’s hard to say for sure but i think the cheer competition ‘triggered’ me.  It was so incredibly loud with the music and the bass was intense.  Plus the crowds of people.  It was busy.  I’m thinking I’m just not ready for this like that.  But i truly don’t want to miss them.  She means the world to me.  I don’t want to miss her growing up.  I’ve got a few weeks before the next one.  She only has 2 left.  What’s really hard is from an anxiety perspective, I feel like i need to push myself to go.  But the reality is I’ve never had a fear of events like this.  Ever. So it has to be the WD.   Also, i was busy throughout yesterday and i did doze off for a period of time.  Historically, naps have lead to harder evenings. 
 

During this whole process I’ve always struggled with how much to push versus be gentle.  Life is full of ‘stresses’ that are unavoidable.  But should i reduce all the unnecessary stresses?  Ive always struggled with anxiety hence the medications. Right now at work My stress levels have gone way up.  Public speaking has always been a true anxiety provoking thing for me like so many people.  I’ve just been asked to give 7 talks here soon.  I’m just not sure I’m ready for this new promotion.  It’s so frustrating because my normal anxiety works be high because of this situation.  But with WD, it compounds it with all these other symptoms and problems.  I’ve recently contemplated going’ part time’ or even taking a leave of absence to allow myself to heal. But on the other side of that, i enjoy what i do and the interactions with the people i work with.  I’d have a hard time having’ nothing’ to do.  There is no’ right’ answer i believe. Like everyone, i just want to recover and spend time with my family without limitations. 
 

I guess i hold onto the fact that i will recover.  Each day I’m closer to full recovery.  I’m a ‘veteran’ now being 8 months out so i kind of know the drill.  I’m in a wave, for whatever reason, and it sucks. I have to use my tools to cope and push through to my next window.  I have to say I’ve had more and more windows the past few months.  Several days I’ve actually thought about how I’d write my success story... so I’ve had some days where I’m feeling pretty good.  So when i hit these waves i look for any reason why it may be happening and want to avoid it.  Today will move along.  I’ll most likely improve throughout the day and by evening feel pretty good. That’s typical for me but we’ll see.  Even as i close this out, I’m feeling tired but the dread and fear is slowly subsiding.  I’m going to go walk my dog and try to enjoy some nature.  I’ll probably need to wear my nose canceling ear pods today but that’s ok i guess.   Recovery happens slowly and non linear but it happens.  
 

prayers to everyone out there battling this.  Today is a new day and one day closer!   One last thought for me, i seem to be easily triggered these days with what i read about WD and seeing others struggling so my apologies if I’m not as responsive to others struggling through this journey.  I do hope for recovery for everyone.  When I’m up to it I’m sure I’ll offer more to other members.  

[saimshah]

it is good that you are progressing and very soon you will be fully recovered. 

 

Fear is also one of my wd symtom now. I am fearful about going out side and driving car. Strange thing i can go out side but then i have higher anxiety and more fear like something strange going to happen to me also head pain starts.

 

are you feeling the same way ? 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

Triggering is pretty normal.  You've been doing really well adapting and challenging yourself, so a minor setback doesn't mean much.  The great thing is that you focused on your daughter instead of letting your anxiety control what you do.  I was in the same situation when our son was in junior high and high school jazz.  His joy rubbed off on me and I was able to let go for a while. 

 

I saw an interesting video on peacefulness today.   The speaker was saying we can rewire our brains for good or bad.  If we expect anxious thinking, we'll adjust our thinking to ruminate on the negative whenever possible.  If we keep running positive scenarios in our minds, eventually we'll start believing them.   Given my OCD, that's something I need to do on an almost daily basis.  It takes time and practice, but it works.  She also made the point that your emotional and behavioral management should be thought of as any other toolbox.  If you fix something at home, you don't throw away your hammer or drill when you finish a repair.  You keep your tools handy for the next repair.  Coping skills are the same.   Its good to keep them handy to deal with new triggering situations.  I think there's a lot of sense in that.

[Fightinghard]

Hello @saimshah  My fear is different although i had some fear of going to a hotel or fear of not sleeping but that seems to have calmed down.  My fear I’m talking about is more like when someone walks up behind you and scares you?  That feeling?  I get that from noises or just brushing up against things.  Right now it’s much calmer.  My symptoms have relaxed some.  I have a little bit of a weird feeling in my legs and the startle/sound sensitivity is there but much much less than last night. Minimal of any anxiety.  So I’m in somewhat of a window with low symptoms.  I’m hopeful it stays this way for awhile and these symptoms continue to diminish and drop off all together.  I hope you’re right and is soon but whatever it is I’ll be ok. 
 

i recommend looking into Claire Weeks for the fear and anxiety when driving.  WD amplified all emotions; neuro emotions as they coined the term here.  I’ve used it for the strange fears I’ve had along the way. They seem to keep moving to different things.  But if you can learn to make your natural anxiety it’so only going to help you.

 

 Keep going!  You’ll get there.  At some point you’ll look back and realize how much progress you’ve made off of in that moment you don’t feel that way.  

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  Whats really interesting is how the mind progresses in WD.  I still have my share of uncomfortable and difficult symptoms but my mind is stronger.  I’m able to look past them like ‘bad allergies’(thanks for the analogy) most of the time and realize I’m recovering albeit slower than I’d like.  But I’m not in that frantic anxious mind nearly as often.  I think that allows me to realize i will heal it just takes time.  So a bad nights sleep is not as catastrophic as it was months ago.  That In and of itself is a relief. 
 

The rewiring of the brain makes sense.  I’ve heard that having gratitude nightly can change your mindset.  I’ve done it at times but I’ve dropped off lately.  I should start back up.  
 

By 13 year old son clearly suffers from GAD and anxiety disorder.  I had a long talk with him today about anxiety and how to approach it.  There is no way i will let him go down this path of meds so I’m going to make it my focus to help him.  
 

thanks for the support!

[mstimc]

We noticed anxious behavior in our son around the same age, primarily social anxiety.  We got him into therapy and after just a few sessions he was doing tons better.  He still has occasional anxious episodes, but he can handle them with what he's learned.  You're doing the right thing by being up front with him.  Our son was relieved to know I dealt with the same thing and he wasn't alone--we all know what that feels like.

[Fightinghard]

If there’s something good that comes out of my withdrawal it will be my new found awareness of anxiety disorders and being able to help my son (and daughter who also shows signs) without medication.   Drs are so quick to throw drugs at these young kids it drives me insane.

 

 I’m glad you caught it early with your son and he’s doing well!  

[Fightinghard]

This past week has been pretty good overall.  I’d say I had probably 3-4 days of windows with low symptoms.  My wave days were not too bad either compared to past experience.  My sleep was ok several nights.  Probably 7-8 hours with 1 or 2 wake ups.  Even my ‘bad nights’ have not been terrible like in the past. Probably 5 ish hours straight and maybe another 1 hour of fitful sleep.  Morning anxiety has been low most days.  I’ve had some ‘off’ feelings but not as extreme like months ago. My general anxiety has dropped off dramatically most days.  It’s been nice. During my windows my body has felt calm overall.   I still have frustrating symptoms to contend with though.  Sensitivities continue. Sound has been higher and so has my ‘startle’ reflex.  If i watch TV it starts to ramp up my anxiety some.  Not always but sometimes. This symptom has proven to be very frustrating.  I can’t watch TV with my kids, I’m missing my daughters cheer this week;  I’m just very limited.  I’m hoping it’sa wave like others I’ve had and it slowly dissipates.  It fluctuates day to day.  I do get a ‘restless’ tired feeling in my legs at times.  That seems to be subsiding where several days it was gone.  I mentioned anxiety is low overall with occasional spikes.  The positive is my mind is much stronger and I’m not as focused on WD all the time.  I can enjoy things and focus on work, etc.  i think I’m upset now because I’m missing my daughters cheer but after last week i thought i needed to.  I’m Pretty sure it triggered a wave and frankly my sound/startle had been more active since.  I guess it is what it is.  Overall I’m in a better place.  I’m able to catch my negative thinking patterns and that has helped my anxiety.  My hunger seems to be leveled off.  I do get tightness and muscle soreness at times.  I’ve pretty much stopped fish oil and only take magnesium at night.  Vitamin C in the AM with probiotics.  I may up my magnesium to 4 times a day.  I thought it was causing some twitches/tics.  They have subsided for the most part.  
 

I’m not sure how much longer I’ve got with this WD process but I’ll keep pushing.  I just told my wife next year i wont miss cheer for this reason. I really hope I’m right.  I’d say today I’ve been in somewhat of a wave so I’m feeling kind of bad overall.  But I’m still so much better than back in august or September.  Tomorrow will come and It will be a better day. One day closer. I’ve seen several stories that I’ve noticed healing trends that I’m hoping I’m following.  Most of them turned the corner around 12-14 months.  I’m hoping I’m in that group.  I’m almost there.  Regardless i believe in 4-6 months I’ll be better than i am now. I’ve had windows but it seems I’m healing in more of a linear fashion.  Now I’m rambling so I’ll end it here. Continued healing for everyone!  It’s slow but it happens!  

[mstimc]

Great post as usual, Fighting!  Each day is a day closer to complete recovery!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks!  I have to say the windows this week were very nice.  Generally a very positive feeling.  The waves are never fun but knowing they will end really helps.  I’m trying so hard to avoid triggers and keep moving forward. My next big hurdle is my tooth extraction on April 9.  That about a month away so i have time.  Hoping I’m that much better by then.  We’ll see.  
 

i hope you are doing well!  How’s the vaccine rollout in portugal? Have you been able to get one?  

[mstimc]

The rollout started well but has been lagging.  Only about 4% of the population has been vaccinated, way behind the US.  We’re hoping to get our by summer.  We want to be fully vaccinated  enforce returning to the States in November.

 

Other than that, it’s going okay.  The government is lifting some of the lockdown Monday and by the week after Easter we should be able to get around a little more.  Honestly, I’m ready to go home.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and it’s been great for the relationship with my wife, but it’ll more than two years without seeing our son face to face.  That’s killing me.

[Fightinghard]

I hope that works out for you!  Its been a long year for everyone, everywhere.   I can only imagine how hard that is not seeing your son especially in the lockdown.  I hope you guys can enjoy the time you have left there especially as things lift.  One thing I’ve learned in WD is time passes quickly so regardless of the situation, make the best of it. Best to you and your wife!

[Fightinghard]

Not sure what’s kicked this off but I’m in a really hard wave right now!  It started late yesterday afternoon. I have a fair amount of stress at work so I’m guessing that’s playing a role.  I drive allot for work and yesterday i drive about 4:30 roundtrip which isn’t uncommon for me.  Maybe the stress of work on top of the stress of driving?  Who knows.  Fortunately today is fairly easy for me and I’ll be able to stay calm.  Right now I’m so sensitive to sounds, touch.  My body is on high alert.  Last night my body just felt more ‘agitated’.  I was a little more on edge in general.  I slept ok for me just had this unsettled feeling most of the night.  What weird though is my mind is calmer than my body?  Meaning my mind is doing ok but my body is overactive with its responses.  My body is warm and tense.  I’ve had this before and typically it calms down as the day goes on.  I’m wearing my noise  canceling headphones to help.   I guess hunker down and do my best.   Truly my only symptoms have been this hyperactive alerting system.  Hunger is generally better, anxiety has been low overall, sleep is broken but generally not as bad as it was, little depression, morning anxiety is low, my memory and concentration is ok, no brain fog, libido is coming back.  I’ve had a little bit of that restlessness in my legs at times but that’s trending better and not as frequent.  Maybe 3,4 days week.  In the evenings I’m spending more time with my family for longer times.  I’m not riding to bed at 8 to do my routine.  I’m able to sit and ‘relax’ and talk and not feel like i have to get up and do things.  At this point for me it seems I’m just sensitive to things like sounds and touch.  Also emotional things so no TV. 
 

it is what it is.  Time to move forward.  
 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

I get hit by this sometimes too.  I literally burn it off with some kind of exercise, even if its just walking around my house.  IMO, its the physical aspect of anxiety.  Exercise also helps keep my mind from searching for the "why" of feeling this way.  I think you're handling it with the right attitude--you know its only physical and temporary.  You'll be back in a window in no time!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  Thanks!  I hang tight Of it in terms of anxiety but it makes sense.  This hit my like a truck all of the sudden.  The past few weeks or so I’ve been windows and waves but nothing this intense.  Its little better now but still tough.  My typical waves lately have been a high peak of intensity with symptoms followed by a few lesser days and then a pretty calm window with low intensity of symptoms.  I’m hoping in a few days it calms down. I’m back to jolting awake if try to nap.  That had calmed down quite a bit.  I guess this is par for the course with WD.  Hopefully this wave passes soon and I’m a step closer. 

[Fightinghard]

I think this wave continues.  My body is just hypersensitive.  I’m realizing it’s primarily sound and emotional content now.  The startle reflex with movement also involved.  It has settled down some where Friday and Saturday were better. In fact I’d say Saturday evening I was in more of a window.  My body had calmed down some. Yesterday I tried to keep busy.  Took a walk with my wife. Our usual 4 or so miles.  It was cold which I’m thinking isn’t great for me right now.  I believe temperatures are something that I’m sensitive to. But it was nice regardless.  She likes to walk faster than I do which I also wonder about. The most of the day i did some chores.  Laundry, cleaning cars, organizing some things, etc.  probably around 3 I decided to sit for a bit and meditate.  I kind of dozed as i did it.  Not much.  Maybe 5 minutes if that i dozed off. I sat there for 20-30 minutes or so. I avoid napping (if i even can nap)  because it seems to spike some cortisol. I picked up my son from work and then a bit later took him to his girlfriends.  Made dinner with my wife and then kind of just sat and relaxed until about 8 when i took my dog for a short walk. I had a fair amount of screen time with a few work related things and leisure searches on my phone while we just sat.  My daughter was watching a kids show of some type while we were there so that was in the background.  Shortly after, my daughter put on ‘friends’ the sitcom.  Well as i was sitting there kind of listening/watching i started to feel my body change.  I quickly left the room ;this was about 8:40 or so. I’m not sure what about friends set me off but i felt i needed to leave.  I’m typically in bed between 9-9:30 these days.  So i went to bed and probably was asleep pretty quickly even with that ‘off’ sensitized feeling.  Sure enough, probably an hour later i wake up with a burning feeling in my chest, arms and I’m feeling i guess fear?  Maybe panic?  Not sure. But just uncomfortable.  It kind of subsided and i did fall asleep again.  I had broken sleep y probably pieces together 6 hours or so.  Not sure.  But my cortisol levels were high for sure. So this morning I lay here feeling ‘off’. I used to get the intense anxiety feeling in the AM.   Then I’d have some periods of melancholy.  Recently, I’m having more of a feeling of sadness combined with fear? Maybe despair?   Its a strange feeling.  I have a ‘tingling’ feeling in my body.  We’ll see where this day leads.  I wrote all this because I’m really not sure what triggered this or is it really just the natural progression on this recovery?  As a whole, my symptoms were low yesterday.  For the most part, anxiety is very low. It occasionally shows up but is at appropriate times for me.  I’ve not had that persistent ‘chemical’ anxiety feeling.  The restless feeling in my legs has been less often overall and less intense. It may come for an hour and then dissipate.  At least this week it’s been that way.  In fact a few days its been quite.  Hunger is improving.  I actually thought to myself last night when i was having a snack that I’m having normal hunger.  I guess it hadn’t felt like that in a long time. I believe anxiety was behind alot of my hunger before.  Libido and general feelings seem to be on the mend.  It’s still very cyclical but generally I’m having some better days that way. I’ve already talked sensitivity;  sound, startle/touch, emotion all seem to be in a windows and waves pattern; they reduce greatly then they come back quickly. Not sure if it’s triggered or just what it is. Last few things I’d I have some pains here and there but I’m not sure it’s all WD.  What do i say about sleep?  Most nights, i sleep a 4:30-6 hour stretch these days.  Then i usually get another 1-2 fitful hours more.  Some nights are like last night with multiple bathroom trips (which i attribute to the cortisol spikes versus my bladder).  My gut on this is once my sensitivities calm down, my sleep will improve again.  I think the hypersensitive reaction is triggering some cortisol so my sleep is being affected.  I haven’t had the hypnic jerks nearly as much and some nights not at all.   And I’m not having the jolts as i fall asleep quite like i did. So some improvements there. 
 

So, here i am.  8 months out.  Windows and waves.   Although i keep busy with work and kids, i feel so limited in what i can do.  I really want to take my wife to dinner but the crowd and noise just doesn’t sound like a good idea.  But she needs it.  I’m hoping things improve soon on the hypersensitivity front.  It seems to me that once that settles down I’m going to be in a much better place.  My gut tells me the cheer competition 2 weekends ago knocked my CNS off kilter and it’s still recovering.  I was sensitive before but it seems worse since. Who knows though.  
 

I’ve got my goto success stories that i read here and on another forum.  I noticed many people seem to turn the corner around 12 or so months and by 18-24 they are close to normal.  I’m hoping I’m one of those cases.  I’ve had some decent windows the past month or so.  I’m hoping a year from now I’m looking back on this but i guess I’ll do whatever i need to do. I can hope.  A few weeks ago i thought i was turning the corner... today I feel like I’m far from better.  I’m rambling today but i do believe I’ve made great strides.  Probably one of the biggest challenges is acceptance and this is especially true when i feel better. Most likely by late afternoon I’ll feel better.   That’s when i start to want to do things again and just want to return to ‘normal’.   It’s during those times when i feel limited and i hold back that i struggle. But it’s probably necessary at times to slow my body to heal.  I need to accept things.  But with 3 kids and a wife is really hard sometimes as i just don’t want to miss time with them. I also find that when I’m feeling better i tend to think my problems are more the result of anxiety versus WD.  With anxiety, you challenge it and go right at it instead of avoiding.  So sometimes i push myself and do things i probably shouldn’t.  I know I’m in WD and really my priority has to be taking it easy when i can but also enjoy the time i can with my family because i do believe that those interactions create love and joy which can only help heal the brain.  
 

One last Interesting observation is I’ve noticed in remembering more dreams lately.  I don’t think that’s good or bad is just a product of how you wake during your sleep cycle.  The Interesting observation is most of the dreams involve people that have had some kind of meaning to me.  Not necessarily exgirlfriends but people I’ve ‘connected with emotionally but primarily females.  It seems my brain is returning to those moments.  Maybe it ‘craves’ this interaction? Who knows but it’s strange.  Better than nightmares.  
 

So, another day of healing is ahead.  I hope it calms down and I’m back in a window this week.  I nice extended windows would be great.  We’ll see.  I’ll make the best of today and move forward.  This was a long post but i needed to ‘vent’.  Prayers and continued healing to everyone.  

[mstimc]

I've read that everyone in our dreams is someone we've met before, even if they take a different form.  When I'm stressed out, my dreams become more vivid, too.  I think its another way our brains handle stress and anxiety.

 

Keeping your focus on your family is a great way of handling WD.  Anything that takes your attention from anxious thinking is empowering.  Just remember each day is a day closer to recovery!

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc I’m definitely in the waves and windows pattern!  My sensitivities were very minimal yesterday. Probably 2/10 versus 6/10 over the weekend.  My restlessness in my legs also very low if at all.  Truly yesterday was a low symptom day.  Maybe a window but work stress ramped up and some normal anxiety kicked in that is only amplified thanks to WD.  So last night i had some early night panic right after falling asleep but i did sleep. Probably 5-6 hours of broken sleep.  My instincts right now are telling me My WD is getting  better and I’m probably further along than i realize.  I’m believing the key to full recovery for me is obviously time, sticking to my tools but really being diligent about my GAD response and recognition.  I know we’ve discussed this in previous threads but it’s really obvious to me now that it seems my chemical anxiety is fading slowly.  So it’s allowing my mind to be stronger and also for it to react more ‘normally’ to life.  I’m less frantic and desperate.   I guess my point is it seems that my reaction to life stresses are beginning to be more appropriate to what i was before meds and WD.  Now it’s just more intense. So my only choice is to better manage the anxiety with the tools I’ve developed and it seems over time the intensity will fade some. My other symptoms I’m sure will continue in the windows and waves but as they fade i realize i will get better.  As i type this On my phone, I’m actually feeling ok.  My body is calming down after last nights panic and my other symptoms at this time are low.  Outside of feeling tired, nothing too obvious.  It’s time for me to stop scanning for symptoms and just move on with my day.  
 

Your support and wisdom through this process has really stuck with me.  It seems we have a similar outlook on this recovery process with a level of self responsibility in how you approach it.  Ive learned a lot from you. Thanks!

[mstimc]

Writing out our feelings is amazingly helpful.  I think its another way to release the pent-up emotions and anxious energy.

 

I'm glad I've been helpful and always willing to help when and how I can! 

8 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 It’s time for me to stop scanning for symptoms and just move on with my day.  

That's the best way to handle the feelings and thoughts!  Lately, I've adopted the mantra "These thoughts are just my ego (fears) creating stories in my head.  They aren't me."  Its simple but when I repeat it, it can be very effective.  You are doing great!

[Fightinghard]

Probably a month or so ago i was having some decent windows. Not symptom free but some nice relief from the discomfort of WD.  Yesterday was probably a window with low symptoms most of the day.  Morning is always harder but it was manageable.  It was s calm day overall.  Again, not what i used to be but ok. Then in the evening i was hit with some fear, despair feelings. Its really hard to pinpoint it but it’s just uncomfortable.  It’s so frustrating how things change and fluctuate during this recovery!  So here i am this morning, sleeping like I usually do.  A wake up or 2 for maybe 6 hours of sleep?  This morning and most of the night I’ve had this feeling in my body of a warmth. It’s not what i perceive as anxiety but it’s what i associate with the fear and despair feeling.  My body isn’t hot necessarily but I’m warm. I’m thinking I’m feeling the cortisol rush but it just less than it was months ago.  I did dream some last night but the good thing is it was more of a pleasant dream. Usually with this type of feeling my dreams are confrontational or just bad.  So here i am; about 9 months off everything.  I’m obviously in a wave right now as I’m just feeling worse.  I think it’s more of an emotional wave right now which is making it harder.  I’m hoping it calms down soon.  My current symptoms are:

 broken sleep 4-5 hours then maybe another 1-2 hours. Hypnic jerks seems to have really calmed down. I occasionally get one falling asleep but not like it was a few months ago.  

 

 sensitivity to sound-  it’s calmed down a lot.  I still notice it here and there but not like it was. 
 

sensitive startle reflex-  also much calmer. Less noticeable but still there at times. 
 

appetite/hunger-  it’s hard to say for sure but it’s overall better. Mornings are a little worse but i seem appropriately hungry most of the time. 
 

Anxiety-  I’m not sure what to think of this one. I get a tight chest sometimes and it can get ‘intense’. But the anxiety that i had for months seems to have dissipated.   I occasionally feel it but not all the time.  I feel like this is better overall 

 

restless feeling in my legs-  this is reduced a lot recently.  It’s almost gone.  At least this past week.  
 

depression/sad/melancholy-  it’s hard to measure this.  The current underlying feelings of fear and despair kind of blend here with sadness.  Not necessarily depressed but frustrated and sad maybe?  I was thinking yesterday that my anxiety and cortisol seems down so maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little more ‘sad’.  Up to this point, I’ve not had a lot of depression.  So its probably holding steady.  
 

muscle aches and pains-  they are up Lately.  Stiffness and discomfort are there a lot. This is worse than early on in this process. 
 

Sensitivity to emotional content/situations-   this seems like its worse right now.  I’ve had it for awhile but it seems like if i even think of emotional things i start to have a physical response.  That said, the feeling like i want to cry has calmed down the past few days.  So who knows what’s happening.  

 

libido/general apathy-   Right now is all low. So hard to say if it’s worse or better.  When you feel bad it’s hard to appreciate good feeling and pleasure.  
 

I’m not sure if I’m missing anything but this is where I’m at.  As i reflect on things it’s clear each symptom has been in a windows and waves pattern where they sometimes align all being low.  Recently its been more of a rotation from one to the other.  I’m almost 9 months out.  Eventually I’ll get there.  I was feeling so optimistic it was coming to an end soon but right now I’m not so sure.  I guess this is to be expected with the non linear healing. Who knows, next week i may be in a window thinking I’m almost done. I hope so.  So all i can do is take it day by day and stay focused on what’s important to me. I’ll hug my kids a few times today and tell them i love them.  I’ll reinforce to my wife how much she means to me. I have to believe expressing love and sharing feelings has to be good for this healing and our nervous system.

 

 My last thought before i go, I’m wondering if my work schedule and activities are pushing me/keeping me in this wave.  Friday i had a 12 hour day full of stress including 5 hours of driving.  Yesterday morning my wife and I took my daughter to a cheer competition but we couldn’t watch inside(covid rules).  But we did socialize with other parents and walked through a busy market place while we’re waited.  I ate a bagel which i haven’t done in months.   So maybe the combination of things is impacting my current state or maybe it is what it is.  Who knows but i do sometimes wonder if taking time off work would help recovery. The downfall is what would i do to stay busy? I’m definitely not as productive as i Was but I’m still out doing things which helps my mind i think.  Anyway we’ll see how it plays out. 
 

i really hope to post more positive things in the near future. Am i better than 6-9 months ago?  Yes.  Am i in a Good place right now?  Not really.  But i do know time is the key and I will be in a window at some point.  
 

Continued healing for everyone!
 

 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

You bring up some interesting subjects.  I really think the COVID situation is also at play with many of us.  Just today, I read a news article on the stress psychologists are experiencing due to the pandemic.   Some are seeing serious setbacks in patients who have been making solid progress for years.  The constant stream of bad news is just overwhelming, even though things may finally be getting better.   And remote work is blurring the line between personal and private space, physically and mentally.  Personally, I found work a double-edged sword.  In a way it was therapeutic because it took my mind off my symptoms for nine hours a day, but it was also a stressor because my OCD was telling me every mistake I made would get me fired.  Looking back, I'm glad I kept working (financially, too, of course),  but that was me and my situation.  I think we all need to do what feels right to get us farthre down the recovery path.

[Fightinghard]

Covid has affected everyone in many ways. Makes sense.   Truthfully, I’m feeling a little better now that i had the vaccine and things seems to be trending positive.  That said, life is far from normal these days.  I hope you’re managing ok with things.  
 

I think this wave is a combination of things.  One;  it just happens in recovery.  Part of the process.  Two is life stresses are adding to it (work, covid, etc) and also i feel like I’ve taken a step back with acceptance.  This feeling is just weird. Its like pent up emotion that wants to get out but can’t. Like I’m going to cry or something.  I keep focusing on the positive though and some of the other symptoms have gone away.  So my hope is this will diminish over the next few days as symptoms have for me.  A symptom usually starts with a ‘spike’ and then gradually reduces in strength until it’s gone or very minimal.  
 

my biggest struggle is how to approach life. It’s been my problem since day one. Push or hold back.  If this was purely anxiety I’d be pushing forward but i know there are things physiologically happening that need to heal.  I always waver on this front.  If i push does it make me worse in the short term but better in the long term?  Tough decisions. Anyway, there are no real answers.  In the end it seems for everyone time is what really determines the outcome.  Obviously be smart;  don’t drink or do things that insult your CNS but otherwise it’s just time. I’ll make it out of this. Slowly.  But it will happen.  
 

thanks for the thoughts!  

[Fightinghard]

Oh man, the ‘surges’ were back last night. They had been gone for awhile but it was a long night.  Fall asleep and then wake up with fear. Several times. Not much sleep last night.  Sunday night was actually pretty good.  I slept probably 8 hours!  Woke up 2 times but fell back to sleep pretty quickly both times.  I had a decent day yesterday. It was lower symptoms overall and lower intensity.  I still had the underlying feeling of fear and despair some of the day.  Some minor irritability as well.  But not bad.  I was joking with some friends over text and with my wife.  I laughed some and enjoyed some humor.  It was a good feeling.  Last night my wife and daughter watched a fun comedy.  I watched some of it here and there and generally felt ok.  Usually i can immediately feel a sense of discomfort but not last night.  I was more awake than usual last night probably from the good night sleep Sunday.  Back in January i had a string of sleeping well one night and bad the next.  I’m hoping I’m not in that pattern again.   So last night it was my alerting system waking me up with surges of fear.  My typical thoughts worrying about my wife and kids and there well being during this pandemic were my common fear.   The isolation, etc concerns. I realize that my reaction is probably normal but just overblown by WD.  Any way not much sleep and a bad feeling of fear today.  I think the general situation with the pandemic plus some extra stimulus last night did me in. 
 

I’ll be tired today but hopefully my symptoms stay less intense. The feeling of fear and despair have been around the past few weeks.  It seems like one symptom leaves and another returns. Generally anxiety is gone, sound sensitivity is much better, startle reflex is calmer and now i have fear and despair.  I’m fortunate that i get some decent nights sleep several nights a week.  If I can stay at the 5-6 hours even if it’s broken I’m generally ok.  Not ideal but manageable. Less gets harder in everyway.  
 

The hardest thing for me is balancing my healing with my family.  This afternoon we’re supposed to go to Top Golf for an hour or so.  For food and some fun.  After last night I’m not sure if its a good idea for me with the stimulus but my family needs it.  So I’ll probably suck it up and give it a shot. From an anxiety perspective i really need to face the fear but with WD your supposed to be kind to your nervous system.  I always lament what do to in these scenarios. Wish me luck! 
 

continued healing for everyone!

[mva96]

@FightinghardGod I can totally relate to feeling stuck between facing the fear from the anxiety perspective, and protecting your nervous system from the WD perspective. I have OCD and to recover i need to stop doing the compulsions. But the anxiety that comes from not doing the compulsions greatly exacerbates the WD symptoms which in turns exacerbates the OCD. It truly is a viscous cycle. Glad to hear you are chugging along and despite the inevitable ups and downs things seem to be improving.

[Fightinghard]

@mva96 it really is such a vicious hard cycle!  But with time we’ll get through it. It’s hard but we can do hard things.  

[mstimc]

7 hours ago, mva96 said:

I have OCD and to recover i need to stop doing the compulsions. But the anxiety that comes from not doing the compulsions greatly exacerbates the WD symptoms which in turns exacerbates the OCD. It truly is a viscous cycle.

 

9 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

The hardest thing for me is balancing my healing with my family.  This afternoon we’re supposed to go to Top Golf for an hour or so.  For food and some fun.  After last night I’m not sure if its a good idea for me with the stimulus but my family needs it.  So I’ll probably suck it up and give it a shot. From an anxiety perspective i really need to face the fear but with WD your supposed to be kind to your nervous system.  I always lament what do to in these scenarios. Wish me luck! 

 

It really does seem there are no good answers.  I have OCD too and its an effort to manage it sometimes.  I try to remember there's a difference between my thoughts and reality, and just because I fear something doesn't make it real.  I have a mantra: "My ego (fear) creates imaginary problems.  That is not who I am." Sometimes when it hits me, I repeat it over and over until it pushes the compulsive and negative thinking out of my head.