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Fightinghard: overcoming


Fightinghard

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@mstimc I can relate, OCD can be very, very unpleasant at times. Can I ask, was your much worse in withdrawal? I've found particularly during waves it gets really bad.

 

Also there's someone on youtube called mark freeman on youtube who does some really great videos for ocd, might be worth a look.

Started Lexapro 5mg Mid March 2020

 

Increased to 10mg April 2020

Increased to 15mg June 2020

Decreased back down to 10mg July 2020

Decreased down to 5mg August 2020

Came off Completely September 2020

 

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Thanks @mstimc!    Great point!  Other than last night, I’ve been listening to ‘the Secret’ before bed.  Really working on visualizing myself recovered and’ normal’.  I have to determine my new ‘norma

Hi Fighting   One thing that's really been working well for me lately has been vipannasa-style meditation, where you just focus on your breath and tell yourself you're breathing in and breat

Good morning! The journey continues! I seem to be back in a pattern on sleep good one night and then sleep poorly the second. I had this back in January for a few weeks. So far this time around my bad

  • Mentor
9 hours ago, mva96 said:

Can I ask, was your much worse in withdrawal? I've found particularly during waves it gets really bad.

Oh yes, it was much worse.  I was especially prone to obsessing about my health and losing my job.  I must have seen my family doctor 10 times in less than two years and it was always nothing.  And every mistake I made at work was the one that would get me fired.  Ironically, during the height of my WD, I earned an exceptional performance bonus!  I learned the root of my problem was simply fear and needing someplace to put it, not the next illness or my next big mistake.  I manage it so much better now!

 

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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Fightinghard

Good morning! The journey continues! I seem to be back in a pattern on sleep good one night and then sleep poorly the second. I had this back in January for a few weeks. So far this time around my bad nights I’m still going 5-7 hours of broken sleep.  Which is much better than in January. I wanted to write this today because the positives I’ve noticed lately are my sound sensitivity has greatly reduced. I’m hesitant to say it’s gone but i really don’t think i’ve noticed it much at all the past few days.  My startle reflex is also greatly diminished.  Similar to sound.  What’s replaced them are emotional symptoms.  When the sound sensitivity was at is worst, it would make me agitated and literally the feeling of fear works just shoot through my body.  Same with my startle/touch.  I’d rub against a towel in the shower and my body would jump with fear. They both lead to agitation.  Now, I’m very sensitive to emotion.  More than I’ve been.   Thinking things emotional or stressful, just lead me to this feeling of agitation.  My hope and theory is like my other 2 sensitivities, this one will start to settle down some since it started to peak recently.  I hope so. The biggest positive for me is the anxiety as a whole has really been low lately.  The agitation is there but anxiety has diminished.  So it seems as if 3 of my more frustrating symptoms have improved greatly.  Plus the restless feeling in my legs has been very low as well.  I still believe I’m in a wave but its a wave of cycling symptoms.  Most symptoms have greatly improved in intensity. 
 
One more thing on the sleep front.  2 nights ago was my best sleep yet. I slept from 9:30-4 and then fell back to sleep until almost 7.  The first stretch of sleep was good deep sleep. I woke up not feeling great but that’s typical.  My day consisted of some apathy which I’m not surprised based on past history.  In the past a good night led to depression or melancholy. At least this time was just apathy.  So improvements everywhere. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m making improvements but i clearly am when i write this.  The symptoms I’m dealing with now are intense so i just feel bad. I’m hoping this group of symptoms slowly calm down and then I’m at a much better baseline.  I’m not native to think they’ll all be gone but if the level of intensity continues to reduce I’m on the right path.  
 

I can do this.  Its hard.  It’s slow.  But i can do this if i take it one day at a time.  I’m sure at some point today I’ll be questioning will i heal, etc and I’ll be searching up my favorite success stories.  That’s ok.  I’ll refocus and remember all the good that’s happened and the windows I’ve had. 
 

continued healing for all! 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

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  • Mentor
8 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 But i can do this if i take it one day at a time.

That's the secret, Fighting!  One day at a time.  A bad day doesn't mean the next one has to be bad.  Progress may be slow but it is real!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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Fightinghard

Good morning. I’ve entered an intense wave.  It started late yesterday afternoon and has continued into this morning.  I did sleep last night probably 5 or so broken hours. Maybe a little more.  Right now I’m in this intense feeling of fear?  Dread? I’m really not sure how to describe it.  My chest and limbs feel kind of warm.  I just feel like my body is turned on.  I’m not feeling anxiety as i would describe it and i really haven’t.  Is kind of like the feeling iv want to cry that is now consuming my body.  I had been doing decently for awhile without the real extreme intense symptoms.  Oh well. Nothing i can do.  2 nights ago i had a nice window.  This window was a little nicer than others I’ve had.  I was searching things up I enjoyed and reading things that used to interest me.  I was genuinely laughing with my wife and kids.  It felt good.  I slept about average for me that night but i did have what i would call a bad dream.  Not a nightmare but not good either.  I noticed when I’m in a wave my dreams are bad.  One other thing I noticed in my waves is i tend to have frequent urination.   Both at night and during the day.  I think my cortisol levels are high which is causing all of this.  Yesterday morning i took my son to school which is typical and then went straight to the grocery store.  I i shopped and then came home to take my daughter to school.  From there off to work for a few hours.  When i returned home i went for a walk which is typical for me. I was feeling borderline sad so walking  sounded like s good idea.   It was a beautiful day here. Other than a quick phone call to start my walk i spent the entire walk practicing mindfulness.  I was listening to the birds, observing the squirrels, investigating the trees and feeling the wind on my face.  I was feeling pretty good very low symptoms.  Slight sadness. But not much else.  My sound sensitivity was low.  I walked a lot longer than usual and probably at a faster pace.  To be honest, I’m really wondering if i over did it on the walk.  I probably walked 90 minutes or so at a faster pace.  After my walk i came home and worked on my computer for a few hours. My fear feeling started shortly after and gradually increased as the afternoon and evening progressed.  This is really hard to explain.  It’s like a feeling of fear when i think of something that normally may just be stress. I think my over active alerting system is at work here and I’m guessing with all my activity yesterday morning it really set it off.  I’m hoping if it’s like other symptoms that spike like this it last a few days.  I’ve had similar feeling the past few weeks just nothing like this.  I’ll have to keep my walks to 30-45 minutes at a lesser pace.  Sunday i took a similar walk with my wife and i did have a more intense feeling of sadness Sunday night but it faded. I’m really wondering if that’s what’s doing it for me.  I’ll keep walking but just not as fast or long. we’ll see if things improve.  

 

 

 without a doubt this is a long hard process.  Ive had some decent windows here and there in the past few months.  Most evenings tend to calm down and are ok.  I think these are good signs. Symptoms are changing and some are better.  I’m 9 months out now.  I’ll keep moving along.  The things that i struggle the most with are my family and job.  I just hate that this affects my wife and kids.      But I’ve made it 9 months. While i don’t know how long this will take i do know I’m closer today than i was 9 months ago.  So I’ll try to stay positive and keep moving forward.  This symptom of fear, sadness, etc is a hard one. But I’m trying to focus on it’s a symptom like others I’ve had.  I’m sure next week I’ll be posting about some other symptom or challenge.  One last thing is i find it interesting that I’m posting fairly frequently.  I’ve gone though period where i haven’t which were probably more windows and better times.  It just reinforces the windows and waves pattern.  Sunday night i really was thinking about how i was proud i was making it through this. Today,i feel like I’m almost at square one.  It’s an incredible process i could not have imagined before going through it. Until next time, I’ll be praying for us all. 
 


 

 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

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  • Mentor

Hi Fighting

I think everything you're experiencing is the nature of the WD beast.  And its a viscous circle--you feel fear and the fear keeps you from doing things, and then you feel guilty for not doing things with your family, which increases your anxiety level.  I've been dealing with a bit of this myself.  We're about eight months out from going home, and starting to make plans to transition back to the States.  The closer we get, the more doubts come up:  What if we can't move into the rental we own?  What if I can't get back on my former employer's insurance plan?  What if we go broke?  None of these fears are reasonable, and I've checked all of these issues out as part of the return process, but there they are nonetheless.  I've learned to accept the fear as part of my mental make-up, but give it the scant attention it merits.

 

From your other posts, you've made time for your kids, even when you were dealing with a wave. You make an effort to get out there and stay in the world.  You communicate with your wife.  These are all empowering actions and move you toward recovery.  There will always be that nagging, unreasonable fearful voice that says you didn't do enough.  Ignore it.  That's the fear hanging on and trying to survive by making you tell stories in your head--without that, fear dies, or at least becomes a small voice that's easy to ignore.  That's why, as you said, it will be a new set of issues next week.  That's the fear saying "Rats, the fear of crowds or noise didn't work.  I'll make him afraid he's going to get fired."  Its not the object of your fear, its just the thoughts that are the root cause. 

 

This wave will pass and you'll be in a window again soon.  Positive thoughts going your way!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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Fightinghard

@mstimc As always, great insight!  Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement. I think I’ve actually entered a window this afternoon.   I feel pretty good. Very few of any symptoms right now.  Not 100% but much better than earlier and yesterday.  I’m hoping this continues for awhile.  I’ll continue my mindfulness and recognizing my thoughts of fear.  This will end at some point.  
 

thanks!

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

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Fightinghard

Yesterday i jumped back into a wave.  This is really a rollercoaster for me!  Tuesday night i slept about 5:30 hours (typical), was awake for probably 1:30 hours and then slept 2:00 more.   So about 7-8 hours.  I took my walk. Probably closer to an hour. Worked most of the day from home.  Some stress there but nothing new.  I started fish oil again on Tuesday. I had stopped for awhile because i was wondering if it caused some anxiety.  I started taking a small amount a few times a day.  I’m really wondering if it kicked me into this wave. I had a build up of fear, dread, anxiety most of the afternoon.  Last night i was off. High anxiety, agitation, fear feeling. I had a hard time falling asleep.  My body feels warm and ‘awake’.  I’ve had this before and especially early on.  It’s not quite as bad but it’s there. I have several thoughts on this.  I’m thinking it’s my sleep the night before plus fish oil.  I’ve noticed when in wake up at night of it tastes along time to fall back to sleep i end up feeling worse in the morning.  Kind of like when i would  try nap.  Sad, anxious, etc.  now if i fall back to sleep quickly I’m generally relatively ok. I think the fish oil is probably not helping either since this night of panic, etc came on.  What’s really interesting to me is when I’m in this symptom pattern whatever I think is ‘bad’.  Meaning something minor at work seems so bad.  I’d like the feelings attach to what you’re thinking.  Is not what I’m thinking is causing the feelings.  It’s weird.  I noticed it as I’m fading asleep and I’m awakened by a surge from a benign thought that becomes a problem.  I guess it’s the Neuro emotions of withdrawal.  Today i decided not to try to sleep more at the 4:30 wake up.  Probably slept 5 hours total.  Kind of broken but i slept some. Last night i was thinking i might not sleep at all.  My day is not very busy.  I’m hoping I’ll snap out of this wave this afternoon.  
 

tomorrow is my scheduled tooth extraction.  My oral surgeon gave me a high dose of amoxicillin to take right before the extraction.   Also an oral rinse to use a few days.  I started the oral rinse last night.  Ive done some research and i decided i won’t take the amoxicillin.  According to the ADA, there’s a very small subset of patients that require prophylactic antibiotics before tooth extraction and I’m not one of them.  They are way overprescribed and is not worth the adverse reaction that can occur according to the ADA. I’m also a little concerned about the procedure but Not too much.  He’s going to use non adrenaline based aesthetics for me. He thinks it’s probably a 20-30 minute procedure so not bad.  I feel better not taking the antibiotic.  
 

life goes on.  I guess we can’t live in a bubble while we go through this.  My experience so far is avoiding stress is important but doing things is just as Important.  I’m finding the busier i am, the better i feel throughout that day. Occasionally i have the real bad day that i really hang back but even then i try to stay busy.  I think for me finding that balance between pushing yourself without taxing yourself is the key.  I think doing things you enjoyed is important. Socialize and participate.  It’s hard and rarely do i feel like it but usually it’s helpful for me. Now I’m not saying go out and party but say hello to people you interact with, neighbors, people you see walking.  I believe it helps me. 
 

this wave of panic, fear, anxiety is not comfortable but it’s better than months ago.  It will pass.  My guess is by tonight I’ll feel much calmer and probably sleep decent tonight for withdrawal.  I do believe my sleep is better quality right now than in the past. Symptoms overall are on the low side. Sounds and startle/ touch are still low.  A few months ago they were a 8/10 bad.  Now, most days the worst is a 2-3 and most of the time is 0-1.  Hunger is also low.  Inner restlessness also very low of at all. I do get pains throughout my body but their manageable.   No new symptoms i can think of.  Just old ones that cycle through and seem to reduce.   Anxiety has really dropped off but last night it was back.  So I’m taking the reduction in symptoms as a positive and hoping the others follow suit.  

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

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  • Mentor

As we've said before, recovery is a rollercoaster and who knows what trigger will set off a wave.  But you're handling it great.  As for the tooth extraction, I had four in the space of about 16 months several years ago and its no big deal anymore.  If it wasn't for the general anesthesia, I would have gone back to work the same day.  In fact, I had one extraction in the morning and the same evening drove 40 miles to our son's college to help him move out of his dorm.  Best of luck to you!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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Fightinghard

So it’s been an eventful week or so.  I had my tooth extracted. I ended up taking the antibiotics as instructed.  Things ramped up for a day or so then it calmed down. I had 3 nights in a row of windows.  The evenings were comfortable and symptoms were low. Sleep was about the same.  4-6 hours. Wake up then maybe sleep another 1-2.  Wednesday was a really nice window. Very low symptoms for the day and into the evening.  Thursday i went to my daughters last cheer practice;  i just felt i needed to. It did impact my symptoms later i think but i made it through. I was not supposed to go to her last competition because it was out of town and my wife was taking her.   That all changed when my daughter hurt herself at practice.  I’ll explain more in bit.  Friday was also pretty good where i had a longer window for most of the afternoon.  Which brings me to Saturday and my daughters cheer competition.  Because she got hurt on Thursday, my wife decided not to take her Friday and asked if i can go with her on Saturday and drive it in a day.  3:30 minutes each way.  Of course i agreed to do it. I planned on going and waiting in the car to avoid the stimulus and loud music, crowd, etc.  long story short, i drove down, went to the competition (loud, busy) and drove back.  I thought how can i miss my little girls competition?   Needless to say I’m paying for it today.  Basically that feeling of Fear, dread, like i want to cry is on high alert.  I’m a little sensitive to sound and movement.  But the fear and whatever it is is intense.  I was thinking after my tooth extraction all i need to do is stay healthy and I’m going to be able to avoid triggers for. awhile.  Oh well.  I’m not sure how long this will last but it’s hard.  Its even harder when I’ve had some decent days sprinkled in last week.  I’m really hoping it calms down.  I have to commit to avoiding any unnecessary high stimulus situations.  It sucks but it’s my current situation.  
 

one year ago i made the big mistake and took Zoloft and buspirone.  A few days later i switched to lexapro but i do think i had an adverse reaction to Zoloft.  Its been a hard year for sure.  I know I’m better than i was a year ago and 6 months ago even though i don’t feel that way.  Some symptoms have dropped off. Others have reduced. This current wave is my own doing.   In waves like this i question will in recover.   I guess i know I’ve had windows where things have been much better.  Maybe 50-60% of my normal.   I’m starting to really accept all i want to do is get past these bad feelings so i can enjoy my time with my family.  I can care less about working out again or playing volleyball at this point.  I just want to spend time with my family and feel good doing it.  I have had some moments like that which i need to remember.  I hope I’ll back there again soon. 
 

Its hard raising 3 kids and working while going through this.  I look forward to the day i can look back on this as a thing in the past.  I’m approaching 10 months.  So it’s still early in the recovery world. I’m praying i turn the corner soon but whatever it takes I know eventually I’ll heal. I’m really going to talk to my wife and explain to her how i need to stay away from busy, loud events for awhile.  It’s such a hard balance.   continued prayers for everyone. 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

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  • Mentor

Hi Fighting

I was right there with you when it comes to being with your kids despite WD.  When I was in the depths of it, our son was in junior high jazz and marching bands.  Some days I really had to force myself to be there for him but I did it.  As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I had my first window at one of his jazz concerts; it was great just seeing and hearing him without the anxiety and OCD voices in my head.  Despite the side effects, being with kids or family takes us out of our heads for awhile.  

 

Keep your focus on long-term progress instead of transient day-to-day feelings.  You are right--you have made great progress in a relatively short time!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
Fightinghard

It’s such a hard trade off sometimes.  Risk a wave or miss a moment with your kids. I’ll risk the wave most times.  I’m a little better today.  It seems to be calming down some.  I’m hoping  I’m in a window soon.    
 

the most obvious long term improvement for me is my mind is stronger.  That’s been helpful for me in separating my symptoms from my conscious mind.  Other symptoms have decreased some. So it’s day by day.  

 

 thanks!  

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
Fightinghard

I’m struggling these past few days.  I guess it’s probably been longer than that but i don’t journal like i used to do it’s hard to say exactly. Maybe i better start again.  My latest symptom pattern is a continuation of where I’ve been for awhile.  I think the difference is the intensity and the focus of the symptoms.  I do know last Wednesday i had a decent window where i felt pretty good.  Friday for several hours was similar.  It seems since Saturday I’ve been in this stronger wave.  As is typical, my mornings are harder.  By evenings I’m usually in a better place and sometimes ‘normal’. So i guess things haven’t changed too much. I’m struggling with triggers though.  My ears were very clogged the last week or so.  I could hardly hear out of the left side. Yesterday i decided i better get them looked at and clean out as i have a history of wax buildup in my ears.  So i went to the dr.  Nothing new.  While i was there i wasn’t panicking necessarily but i was amped up.  Now i don’t know if it’s just my current wave or if this visit triggered my feelings.  Now leading up to that visit i was in a state of ‘fear’ for no reason.  My gut is My body is on high alert in this wave and really any stress is only making it worse. 
 

My current symptoms:

insomnia/broken sleep-  it’s been a downturn here the past week.  Probably getting 5-6 hours of broken sleep most nights.  Some nights I wake up but my body feels calm which is ok by me. I lay there and mediate, breath and it’s manageable.  Last night my body was on high alert.  I’m not having the intense panic attacks like before so I’m thinking its the same pattern but less intense.  Last night as i started to fall asleep i had a short’ nightmare’ which i knew right away that it would be a rough night. I did sleep some but i was ‘charged’.  I think I’m going to start Epsom salt baths again. 
 

morning anxiety/IT-  i really don’t have the same anxiety as i did months ago. Now my body feels more fear and sensitive in the morning than anxiety as i would describe it.  I have had mornings where i feel ok;  not good but not bad.  So mornings like today where things are high make it hard. 


sound sensitive/startle reflex-  I’m still sensitive to sound but it fluctuates.  My startle  reflex is probably the same.  If i touch or rub up against something i still may have an exaggerated response.  Not all the time but is not gone. 

 

 Fear- i have this feeling of fear more often lately.  I’m not sure if it’s in response to stimulus like emotions or sound or if it’s just there.  It does fluctuate but it’s been intense lately.  this has been the hardest thing for me.  I will say that in some ways this is better though. Early on i had intense fear of isolation and death.  Those seem to be gone now. 
 

appetite-  i went through a phase where i was very hungry all the time and couldn’t stop eating.  Now in the mornings I’m ‘hungry’ but by the evenings I have to force myself to eat.  
 

Inner restlessness/legs-  much less.  I’ve had short periods of it but not as intense.  
 

anxiety-  this has been really low.  I guess when i think of it, I’m not having the late afternoon tight chest or really much anxiety at all.  Now I’m not sure if this fear i have going on is just another version of anxiety that is new to me but the feelings of anxiety that were the focus of my early WD have greatly diminished and dare I say disappeared.  I have to take this as a positive sign although i do realize things can change at any time.

 

 Depression-  early on i had a few days of intense depression.  Not many and for not very long.  Since then I’ve had days of what i would say is melancholy.  That has changed. Now when i feel this fear, is coupled with a sadness/wanting to cry feeling.   In don’t know if this would be depression or what.  But what i know to be depression has not been an issue since early on.  
 

libido-  this fluctuates as to how i feel.  If I’m in a window then It’s better

 

 apathy-  Most evenings i can laugh, joke and interact with my family.  And enjoy it.  Its not normal but is something.  On Tuesday i was joking with a patient and her father.  Again not my normal self but closer than before.  So I’m seeing improvements. 

 

 

sensitive to emotions- i don’t watch tv or movies because of this.  Is just not comfortable. I am trying stronger though.  Normal conflict with my wife is not as intense.  I can handle certain stresses better.  So things are better in that sense.  I used to get a surge of negative feelings if i just thought of something emotional.  That has subsided.  So a little better but not good yet. 

 


 

symptoms that seem to be gone:

-twitches

-hypnic jerks

-panic attacks

-back pain, muscle tension 


 

So here i am almost 10 months out.  Small improvements when compared to months ago.    Some windows here and there.  I’m still trying to figure out how to manage this latest symptom pattern.  My typical internal struggle of when to push versus when to hold back.  I think I’ve said this before but if my sensitivities would calm down i think I’d be in a better place overall.  I get windows where they aren’t nearly as intense which is encouraging.  I guess it always comes back to one day at a time.  


 


 

 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
  • Mentor

Hi Fighting

 

One thing that's really been working well for me lately has been vipannasa-style meditation, where you just focus on your breath and tell yourself you're breathing in and breathing out.  I like it because you can have thoughts but you just come back to the breathing.  It breaks the thought/emotion/feeling cycle, even if its just for a minute or so.  I've found its really helpful quieting my thoughts when my mind is racing.  You may want to give it a try!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
Fightinghard

Thanks for the suggestion!  I’ll give it a try.  What’s interesting is i just spent 3 hours in a loud active machine shop working on some things. I interacted with some colleagues, laughed and joked.  Overall i feel ok. A few minor symptoms right now but for most of the time i hardly noticed the negative feelings and symptoms.  So maybe the key for me is to stay busy, social but not tax myself. I’m hoping the rest of the day goes well!  

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
Fightinghard

Yesterday i started to post how i was in my best windows yet. It was the first time in awhile i actually felt ‘good’ and enjoyed things.  This past weekend was very busy.  My son had a volleyball game, he also made his confirmation, painting a ceiling, grocery shopping, etc.  Friday i had very busy work day in a really busy office. Spent time with a lot of colleagues i haven’t seen in awhile.   It was nice to see them.   The positive  of all this is overall, i was doing ok. Symptoms were minor and not overwhelming. I wasn’t ‘myself’ but i was okay for the most part.  Friday evening I felt pretty good.  Saturday i was ok watching the volleyball games. My sound and other sensitivities were not bad.  Overall Saturday was an ok day.  Sunday was confirmation, painting, in-laws for brunch, errands.  Pretty busy.  Sunday morning was probably the best window I’ve had yet.  At least that i can remember.  I’ve had windows of low symptoms feeling better.  Yesterday, i had bad sleep but i felt really good.  I was thinking about positive future things and enjoying it. Actually feeling that feeling of enjoyment.   Then i was at church and i was so in the moment just taking in the service.  I talked with a friend Auer church for awhile and i suggested we get together soon... that’s hope good i was feeling.  As the day went on in slowly changed.  By evening i was agitated and i noticed I was sensitive to things again.  Not as bad as a few months ago but there were there.  Sleep last night was typical.  10 ish to 3 ish.  Then awake.  Last night there fear or I’m not sure what the feeling is was there.  I wasn’t thinking anything or attaching it to anything but in felt it.  I did Fall back asleep for another hour or so.  This morning is just rough.  Not anxiety. It seems That has gone for now.  This morning is that fear/doom feeling with some minor sensitivity.  My startle seems much better.  So who knows what the deal is.  My symptoms have changed over the course of a few months.  Currently it is this fear/sadness type of feeling.  It’s all in my body.  Still slightly sensitive to sound and maybe touch at times.  Sleep is about the same.   Many other things are better like anxiety, depression.   I think my nervous system is generally very sensitive and when i overdo it, in end up with these waves.  I’m hoping with my families schedule calming down things will relax.  
 

i hate going from a nice window to feeling like I’m a bad as ever.  Oh well. I’ll take today easy.

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
  • Mentor

Fighting, I'm seeing several members with that same feeling of fear/sadness/doom lately.  I really do think the pandemic has a lot to do with it.  We're at that point where its almost over, but not quite, and everyone is just tired of being in constant crisis mode.  Pile all the other chaos in the world on top of that and everything can be triggering.  Hang onto that window--that's the "real you", not the fearful and sad one--that's just your anxious self.  And it will pass. 

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
Fightinghard

@mstimcThank you!   I’m sure the pandemic isn’t helping anyone.  Talk about stress and anxiety.   I’m definitely in a hard wave today.  I can’t even describe it. After yesterday it’s a huge difference. I have to think i triggered it with such a busy day. Church (loud music), in-laws, painting errands.  I felt like this last week for a few days.  I really hope this wave ends soon!  I just feel like I’m pent up about to cry.  Other things seem ok.    Just intense with the emotions.  One day at a time i guess. 
 

 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
  • Mentor

Nothing wrong with crying--its a great way to release pent-up energy and negative thoughts. 

 

And remember to focus on your long-term improvement rather than day-to-day or week-to-week comparisons.  Even "normal" people have good and bad days; they don't mean much.  You are doing so much better than you were six or eight months ago--that's the important thing!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
Fightinghard

@mstimc thanks for the encouragement!! I’ll keep my focus on the improvements.  Its just so crazy how symptoms change over time.  Some of mine have dropped off or diminished greatly. Others are coming on stronger.  I can’t say anything really new is occurring.  Just stronger than before.  I guess 3 steps forward, 4 Steps back is happening here.  
 

i hope you are doing well. Tomorrow is a new day.  Hoping for a good one!  
 

thanks!  

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post

As i lay here at 5:45 AM my body overall feels calm.  No anxiety; not much of anything except a calmness. Not normal necessarily but not that intense anxiety of months ago.  I’ve concluded that I’ve been dealing with akasthisia since the beginning but i never really realized it. Maybe i didn’t know what it was.  I guess it doesn’t matter Because it is what it is but my recent symptoms have been a flare up with this.  
 

This past week has been the epitome of a rollercoaster.  To be honest, my schedule the previous few weeks i think has taken a toll on my recovery. Between volleyball games, track meets, cheer competitions, My work schedule (i frequently Drive 5 hours a day) it’s all catching up.  
 

The positives are as i mentioned last week i had a really nice window last Sunday.  This past week i had a few evenings that I’d say were windows.  Saturday i took my son to his volleyball game.  It was hard.  I’m was uncomfortable but i was able to watch it and share that with him.  That evening, i felt pretty good.  I actually slept for almost 7 hours straight.  So I’ve had some decent days.  Generally my mind is less frantic.  It’s calmer as a whole.   I spend less time on my phone searching this site and others hoping to find a solution. It’s weird because in some ways my symptoms are much less intense but yet so much less comfortable.  It’s almost like because there are times i feel better that the symptoms feel worse when they occur.  My most difficult symptom now is i get surges of fear or something throughout the day.  It seems that if I’m overactive or in busy places with crowds my chest get this surge of discomfort.  Its hard to describe.  It seems to accumulate to where it feels like I’ll cry (but i can’t) or similar.  I’m also at times dealing with the inner restlessness in my legs and in general.  These have occurred daily with short windows mixed in.  Sleep is erratic but my bad days seem to be 4-5 hours these days which is about the same.  I’ve had frequent urination some days.  My appetite is now actually where i don’t have one most of the day and then in the evenings it improves. Libido is low. I think my sound sensitivity is much better but I’m hesitant to say it’s gone. Startle is the same.  Overall though, I’m still pretty sensitive to many things. Emotion, activity, etc    Last night i was trying those surges as i tried to fall asleep.  I think that’s why i have frequent urination at night.  I get s surge of cortisol and that there the urinating.  So i have many surges which causes all the bathroom trips.  
 


 

So here i am, 10 months out holding steady.  This wave makes me feel I’m worse than i was a few months ago. Nothing i can do but take care of my nervous system and hope it settles down.  Work is going to be challenging for me as this goes forward. I’m really hoping this wave passes the next few weeks so and I’m a little bit better.  My kids schedules should calm down after this week.  Today I’ll just hunker down.  I’ll do some work from home, take a few short walks and try to rest heathy.  I’ll drive my kids to school but not much more. This calm feeling I’ve had is giving me hope that truly I’m getting better and these other symptoms are just needing to heal.  Not having anxiety has really been nice. Now. if only this fear and restlessness would calm down. 
 

I’ve decided I’m probably going to update weekly.  I’m terrible at journaling so this helps me see progress as i go. I’ll keep pushing forward.  I have 3 beautiful kids and a wonderful wife that need there dad and husband back so I’ll find away through this. I believe we all heal. It’s just a matter of time.  My body wants to return to homeostasis and each wave is it’s attempt to find that.  I’ve had windows that have shown me that I’ll heal.  I will recover.  It’s happening each day. 
 

continued healing for everyone. 

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
  • Mentor

Hi @Fightinghard

3 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

As i lay here at 5:45 AM my body overall feels calm.  No anxiety; not much of anything except a calmness

Wow love that. 
That’s such a good update fighting, I am so happy for you to have gotten to this calm state. Must have felt amazing,  You are on your way towards healing I have no doubt.

Have you tried an app called headspace?  It really helps me with my anxiety, just wanted to let you know of it🙂


Enjoy your day🙏

Edited by Hanna72

Prescribed Paxil 20 mg year 2000 for panic attacks.

Many attempts through out the years to quit.

2019 tapered from 20 mg to 10 mg. Got stuck there, decided to bridge with Fluoxetine. 
2020 March off Fluoxetine 

2020 Oct- nov started deteriorating, followed by severe crash. 2021 Reinstated fluoxetine by small amount, until I reach 9 mg (current) and stabilised. Holding 

 

Link to post

@Hanna72 Thanks!  Yes I’m slowly getting these moments of calm.  Not necessarily a windows but feeling calm.  It’s good feeling.  I’ve heard of headspace but haven’t tried it.  I’ll take a look. What’s nice though odd my anxiety is calm these days.  It’s just the fear and restlessness that gets me at times. 
 

how are you doing these days?

2003-2006-  Zoloft then Wellbutrin, Ritalin, concerta , Adderall.  Don’t remember dosage, tapers or timeframes. ADD treatment. I think I had some WD?  Definitely PSSD which resolved over time. 

Zoloft  100 MG April18-april 22, 2020

Buspirone 20 mg from April 18-May 18

10 mg from May 18 - May 27 2020

Lexapro 5 mg from April 22 through May 1st

10 mg from May 1 through June 1

5 mg from June 1 though june 18

2.5 mg from June 18 through June 25

1.25 mg from June 25 through July 4 2020

Ambien -  2.5 mg  April 21 and 26 2020

Trazodone 50 mg-  3 times late April and 4 days the first week in June 2020

Supplements:  Omega 3’s 1000 mg 3 X a day,  Magnesium Glycinate 400 mg (now 4 times a day), Melatonin 1 mg, Vitamin C 1000 mg, probiotics.

Link to post
  • Mentor

@Fightinghard

I am hanging in there, thanks for asking. Will test the waters soon with a tiny drop and see how it goes. Crossing my fingers 🙂

Hope you are having some more calm moments today🙏

Prescribed Paxil 20 mg year 2000 for panic attacks.

Many attempts through out the years to quit.

2019 tapered from 20 mg to 10 mg. Got stuck there, decided to bridge with Fluoxetine. 
2020 March off Fluoxetine 

2020 Oct- nov started deteriorating, followed by severe crash. 2021 Reinstated fluoxetine by small amount, until I reach 9 mg (current) and stabilised. Holding 

 

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