Fightinghard: overcoming

[KenA]

2 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

@KenA Thanks for the sound advice. Realistically, i really don’t think I’d do it. I’ve come this far.   This wave started really strong at 1am this morning with fear, IT, SI and a host of other symptoms.  I’ve been very sensitive today to everything.  Sound, movement, etc.  but as usual, things are calming down as the day goes on. I’m hoping it i relax on the driving and reduce stress for a bit this will calm down.  Usually after a tough wave i have a decent window so let’s hope that continues!  As you’ve taught me, this is a temporary state.  My new mantra is i am healing and my body what’s to return to homeostasis.  I’ll keep up the fight. Thanks Ken for the support!

Of course my friend! That's what we are here for. To help and support each other!! 11 months is amazing my friend!!! That's 11 months closer to healing than you were!! Each day is one day closer!! Never forget that!! You truly are healing and one day this will all be behind you!!! I know those waves can kick you hard, but just always tell yourself they are temporary and honest a good thing!! It's a sign you are healing!! Yes they suck, but all healing has a price!! You can do this I know it!! I always told myself the harder the wave, the more healing that was getting done!!! Just keep going and going until you cross the finish line!! Even today I had just a smidge of DP/DR this morning which I haven't felt in a couple of months, but I just shrugged it off and went on about my business! And it's already gone. Only took a couple of hours to fade!! It always does and always will

 

Stay strong! You've got this and you know it!

[Fightinghard]

Thanks Ken!  

[Altostrata]

Where did you read about akathisia?

 

You have been pondering reinstatement since August 2020. Please read this topic from the beginning. 

 

Compared to how you were 6 months ago, how do you feel now?

[Fightinghard]

Hello @Altostrata-  i actually read a post here that the led me to an akathisia blog. I think you’ve posted on it.  
 

I know i waver on it at times.  Usually I’m in a wave that’s fear based.  In this case, I’ve started to have SI. I guess it’s really a fear that i would do something not really thinking i will do something.  Several months ago i feared isolation for awhile and now i don’t think of it.  I’m thinking this fear is no different just a new topic. Sorry to be impulsive and reach out. I’m also concerned about my job because of my need to drive so much.  

 

Generally I’d say I’m a little better; outside of this wave that started today.  I’m Different. A few sounds have left me and others have finished some.  I haven’t had’ anxiety’ as i know it for months now.  My sleep is still erratic but what’s interesting is its less of a concern.  I’m in a windows and waves pattern and usually my evenings are ok.  I generally feel stronger than i was mentally.  I’ve had days where I start to think about my success story.  So i must be better.  
 

thanks for your time.  

 

 

[Altostrata]

I doubt you have akathisia. What do you mean by SI?

 

Please do not tag me again to ask about whether you should reinstate. If you read through your topic, you will find all you need to know to make a decision. If you make a firm decision to reinstate, let me know.

 

Suggest you see a counselor who can help you learn stress reduction techniques.

[Fightinghard]

@Altostrata    SI is suicidal ideation.   will do on the reinstatement.  Sorry for impulsive tag. I’m starting counseling next week.   Thanks for your thoughts.

[Hanna72]

Hi @Fightinghard

12 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

I haven’t had’ anxiety’ as i know it for months now.

That’s sounds like a huge improvement. Look at how far you have come. 
 

You have to give yourself some credit, because you are stronger then you think!

 

 

[Fightinghard]

@Hanna72  Thanks Hanna!  Yes is nice to have a symptom seem to drop off.  As you can relate to, when you get hit with a wave it really takes you back and makes you question everything. Today I’m in a better place.  Symptoms have calmed down some.  I’ve talked ‘acceptance’ for months but I’m really starting to appreciate it more and more and i think that’s where my recovery lies. Acceptance means understanding where you are and not fighting it.  So for example i have to accept that there are things i do that can cause symptoms so if i want to reduce symptoms i just can’t do them right now.  This is temporary.  I’ll keep up the fight!

[Hanna72]

@Fightinghard

I totally get were you are coming from. 
I am glad to hear you are better today.  

7 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

Acceptance means understanding where you are and not fighting it.  So for example i have to accept that there are things i do that can cause symptoms so if i want to reduce symptoms i just can’t do them right now.  This is temporary.

I like this, just what I needed to read  as I got super anxious about getting the COVID vaccine today but I made it 😅

I am rooting for you 💪🙏

[Fightinghard]

@Hanna72  Awesome on the vaccine!  I had mine back in January and February (moderna) and really didnt notice too much in terms of WD. Within a few days i was back to my normal WD state. Thanks for the support!  I’ll be rooting for you as well!  This to shall pass…
 

 

[Altostrata]

Yes, I know SI is suicidal ideation. How do you experience this?

[Fightinghard]

I’m sorry- I’ll get this surge of feeling like I’m sad or hopeless and I fear I’ll give up or decide i might hurt myself.  I don’t necessarily think about doing it.  It’s more a fear that i May think i want to do it.  It’s really hard to explain so i hope this makes sense.  I haven’t had thoughts like i hope i get hit by a car or anything.  Again it’s more of a fear that I’ll feel that way?  It can be intense.  When i logically think about it when I’m not in a wave it reminds me of when i feared isolation or that something bad may happen to my older parents… those feelings have now subsided. 

[Altostrata]

It sounds to me like you are more afraid of thoughts of "hurting yourself" than having actual suicidal ideation.

 

You can bat away unpleasant thoughts by "changing the channel" when they occur. Thoughts are just thoughts. A passing thought "oh, why don't I just kill myself" a normal neurotic thought, not suicidal ideation, please do not report it as such.

 

Strongly suggest you find a counselor or therapist to find out why you are afraid of your thoughts, and why you allow unpleasant ones to come to the front of your mind if you don't like them.

[Fightinghard]

Thank you for your thoughts and insight on this.  I guess i misunderstood what i was actually thinking And truly what SI is.  The fear is very real and intense so the response is probably over blown. I’ll be sure not to misrepresent what my experience is moving forward. 
 

I’m starting with a therapist on June 14th to work on anxiety and the associated fears.  Thanks for the suggestion!  

[KenA]

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

Thank you for your thoughts and insight on this.  I guess i misunderstood what i was actually thinking And truly what SI is.  The fear is very real and intense so the response is probably over blown. I’ll be sure not to misrepresent what my experience is moving forward. 
 

I’m starting with a therapist on June 14th to work on anxiety and the associated fears.  Thanks for the suggestion!  

@Fightinghard I had those dark terrible thoughts as well. I used to call them intrusive thoughts. Just remember they are only thoughts. You don't have to act on them. When I would get them, I would get repulsed by them which told me that I would never ever follow through. It just your brain going through the healing process. Gently push them away. I haven't had those dark thoughts in months and I used to get them on the daily. They will go away my friend! Stay strong and push through!

[Fightinghard]

@KenA Thanks Ken!  I’ve been working on just letting those thoughts be there without giving them attention knowing they will pass.  Quick question for you, did you have a hard time with crowds?  If i go anywhere crowded or with alot of people my symptoms seem to ramp up. I just left an outdoor neighborhood get together and i just feel off. My chest is tight and I’m sensitivity seems to have increased.  I’m not agoraphobic and I’m fact I’d like to be more social but my body isn’t letting me?  I’m sure it’s WD and it will past but it’s frustrating. Also today has been solid day overall.  Low symptoms.  I’d have to call it a window and my overall baseline seems higher.  When you first had windows were they ‘normal’ feelings or just better feeling than the waves?

 

Is interesting how you get quick, weak waves.  It seems like the body just tapes a long time to balance itself. 

[arbor]

20 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 I’m sure it’s WD and it will past but it’s frustrating. Also today has been solid day overall.  Low symptoms.  I’d have to call it a window and my overall baseline seems higher.

 

I'm so glad you're getting a reprieve today, @Fightinghard

Thinking of you--Arbor

[KenA]

23 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

@KenA Thanks Ken!  I’ve been working on just letting those thoughts be there without giving them attention knowing they will pass.  Quick question for you, did you have a hard time with crowds?  If i go anywhere crowded or with alot of people my symptoms seem to ramp up. I just left an outdoor neighborhood get together and i just feel off. My chest is tight and I’m sensitivity seems to have increased.  I’m not agoraphobic and I’m fact I’d like to be more social but my body isn’t letting me?  I’m sure it’s WD and it will past but it’s frustrating. Also today has been solid day overall.  Low symptoms.  I’d have to call it a window and my overall baseline seems higher.  When you first had windows were they ‘normal’ feelings or just better feeling than the waves?

 

Is interesting how you get quick, weak waves.  It seems like the body just tapes a long time to balance itself. 

Of course my friend!!! That's exactly what you have to do!! Let them go!! It's ok to acknowledge that you have them, but then just say to yourself ok. It was just a thought. Doesn't mean I have to do anything about it! Next! And then you move on! 

 

As for crowds, I've always have a slight social anxiety about crowded places because I truly am an introvert at heart. I would much rather chill at home watching TV or reading a good book. The only time I really go out is with the wifey, or to play pool once a week. I actually had to stop playing pool for a while because of the anxiety, but I'm back to playing again and I can tell you crowds actually don't really bother me much at all anymore. I actually have an easier time with them now than I did before this journey. I truly do feel like I've become and stronger and more resilient person because of what I've gone through and honestly little things don't bother me at all anymore like they used to. I figure I survived the worst life had to throw at me so anything else is small beans in comparison!!

 

What you are going through truly is just the normal waves and windows pattern of healing! My windows were when i didn't feel as bad to be honest. The anxiety or depression would pass and I would just feel ok. Over time, the windows would get better where I noticed I could laugh again or feel happiness or joy. I had numbed my emotions away for almost a decade with pills so I truly was like a toddler having to learn how to deal with emotions all over again!! The highs were super high and overwhelming and the lows were super low as well. Alot of that was just the neurotransmitters in my brain having to get balanced and find the right mix, but now days I feel like I handle things on a normal human emotional level. 

 

Yeah, I still to this day can feel a tiny smidgeon of a wave every once in a while, but I just call them ripples now days. And they are usually very brief and fade away quickly. Just more balancing getting done by my brain!!! They don't even bother me at all but that just because I have 100% accepted this process and anything it has to send my way!! I've survived everything it had to throw at me and I'm still alive and kicking!! I've got my whole future ahead of me, so I don't even sweat the temporary day to day ups and downs that happen. That's just a part of being a human being. Ups and downs are normal and I truly do enjoy everything that comes my way now days

 

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  How are you doing?  Hope all is well!  
 

I was doing some light yard work today and i thought of you.  As i was doing it i was thinking about my symptoms. What if this triggers them? What if I’m doing too much?  The whole time I’m focused on WD. In the grand scheme of things, so far this morning I’ve been ‘ok’. Some symptoms going but nothing major. So as I’m doing the work I’m trying to be mindful.  Observing what I’m doing, etc. i then ask myself, if this was 2 years ago, what would i be thinking?  Reality is it hit me I’d be having another anxious thought!  In fact i know exactly what i would have been thinking 2 years ago because it consumed me and my anxious mind.  What I’m going through now is different but the fear of these symptoms consume me.  I realize this is common for WD but with my history i have to remove the excuse that it is WD and work even harder on anxiety and mindfulness.  In that same vain i was sitting eating breakfast and i felt restlessness.  One thing i don’t do is get on my phone when I’m eating like i did pre WD.    I’m trying to stay in the moment.  In years past my phone was my distraction for my anxiety while sitting still and know I’ve taken it away.    So while this restlessness is stronger than what I’ve felt before it still falls in line with my anxious behaviors.   My point in all this is what You’ve preached all along;  i can’t rest on my anxiety.  It’s in so many places that i don’t always see. Yes i have symptoms and they can be rough. But the anxiety behind is not helping.  I believe there are triggers for waves for sure but I’m starting to wonder for me if I’ve induced more triggers through my fear and anxiety.  I’m scared to do things because I’ve had a wave in the past that I attributed to that action when really who knows?  Now I’m not saying that there aren’t triggers but i can’t be so quick to assume the worst for every action that precedes a wave.  Anyway, Your insight on anxiety has been really helpful so I thought I’d share.  

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting.  So glad I could help!  One thing I read recently is very relevant to the situations you described.  Its the idea of "doing what you came to do."   Staying focused on what you started out doing, whether its doing yard work or having a meal.  When the anxious thoughts hit, tell yourself "I came to rake the leaves" or "I sat down to have breakfast."  The thoughts are unwelcome intruders and can be dismissed.  It works with anxiety and OCD.  It sounds like you are really making progress!

 

We're doing okay.  We're hoping we can get some travel in now that the EU is easing some of the COVID restrictions.  I had my J&J vaccine last week with almost no side effects.  My wife is scheduled this coming Saturday!

[Fightinghard]

Hey Mstimc- I’ll give that suggestion a try.  Today has been kind of a window day. Generally I’ma little better.  I’m actually watching a game on tv which I haven’t much at all. Maybe 5-10 times this entire time. Usually is too much stimulus but I’m not even noticing that.  I keep telling myself, ‘i am healing.  My body is returning to homeostasis’.  I’m trying to stick with the positive affirmations whenever i can.  
 

That has to be a relief!  You guys will be relieved.   I’ve been vaccinated a few months now and it’s really helped my confidence going out, etc.  Sounds like you guys will be out traveling soon enjoying yourselves!  

[Fightinghard]

Well i was having a decent day earlier. My morning wasn’t horrible. I had some morning symptoms but they subsided and things were not bad.  I walked with my wife for 30 minutes and then did some light yard work edging the lawn, etc.  nothing too strenuous. It was sunny and warm today.  Most of the afternoon i felt ok. I watched some sports for a bit which normally i can’t.  It was almost like I was between a window and a wave.  I went to my in in-laws with my family and probably 30 minutes there i had to leave.  I just felt so uncomfortable.  That feeling of fear or whatever filled my chest. My face feels ‘warm’( maybe from the sun?).  I feel’ uneasy’ overall.  I hate this.  My poor wife and kids.  I was going to force myself to stay but i thought it was probably best to leave. I wasn’t the best of company and the more i interacted the more I noticed it. I’m not sure if it’s the stimulus or what but it’s tough. I’ve always had this feeling of wanting to leave places and crowds but it seems worse lately.  It’s such a fine line.  Here in one sense I’m feeling s little better but then bam.  This happens.  I guess all i can do is keep waiting my time out. I’m not sure how this will play out with future social events. In have always pushed myself but tonight i just thought i shouldn’t.  I feel so limited these days.  Then I’m like I’d it just my anxiety making it worse?  I start therapy in 2 weeks.  I’ll keep working on that.  This thing was hard.  I’m still ‘turned on’ with my body feeling excited.  But i know this is temporary and i have made some progress.  For example, my emotions are generally more stable.  I discussed since things with my wife that 6-8 months ago works have ramped up my emotions but today i was under control and ‘normal’.  I’m having small windows here and there that tell me I’m healing.   I’m basically at 11 months on Friday.  I really hope I’m one of the lucky ones that turn the corner in that 12-18 month time frame.  It’s so hard but I’ll keep moving along. 

[Phoenixmama]

Sending you light 🌞and strength 💪🏻

[HugHK]

All sounds strangely familiar...  

 

basically anything stimulating triggers it: sometimes as little as excitement at good news, working on something really interesting, joking around with friends. I find that if my symptoms are OK being in the company of others makes me forget about the symptoms and I feel better. However if I'm having a bad day, it makes it worse. I start feeling super uncomfortable, then I can't think of anything else: I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, and hence there is no ignoring this feeling. Not sure how alcohol affects you but for me a few drinks help and I don't feel too bad the next day so may be worth a try if it's a social occasion like dinner etc. 

 

I also get a weird tingling in my legs and feet (neuropathy symptoms), but it's not as bad as the anxiety and the uncomfortable feeling. 

 

The non-linear aspect of evolution (get a few good days, start getting excited, and wake up feeling bad) is just torture. 

 

Exercising was the worst and most obvious trigger and I had to quit that, which is killing me. Overall the only thing I actually enjoy doing that I can do is reading. Do you get the same flare ups if you do any sport?

 

My sleep is OK these days (as I reinstated the med) but I do get a similar thing to you whereby if I have a really good restful night sleep, my anxiety is worse the next day, while to the contrary if I'm exhausted I tend to get less symptoms. It's to the point where I actually considered restricting my sleep to 5h instead of 7h.... 

 

The main issue to me is how long it lasts, and not having a time frame on when things can expect to get better. Originally I found comfort in thinking that when things get better, I'll quit my job late autumn next year to get physically fit again (I've been an athlete for a good deal of my life) and do a full ski season: if I'm wasting a year of my life this year, I'm going to take time to do what I like best whenever I want once this nightmare is over... and now I'm starting to think it's not even sure I'll be able to do sport by then.

 

covid restrictions are being relaxed, and I'm watching everyone have the time of their lives from the bench on the side of the pitch...

 

[Fightinghard]

@Phoenixmama  thanks for the encouragement!

 

@HugHK  I appreciate your thoughts and sharing your experience.  Yeah, the exercise sucks!  I was a six day a week workout guy.  Now, I’m walking 30 minutes or so. Its hard.  I think for me I’m just going to lay as low as possible for a bit and try to see if things settle.  Then slowly add things to the mix.  A simple run to the store. With work i can work from home allot so I’ll just do as much as i can that way.  I don’t drink at all these days and I’ll probably stay away for now.  For me the risk isn’t worth it since I’m pretty sensitive to allot of things.   The sleep thing is strange.  Last night was my typical sleep and 10 or so and up at 5:30 with several wake ups in between. This morning My anxiety is low and I’m calmer but i feel kind of sick and more nauseous.  I feel slightly more sensitive as well.  The calm feeling is encouraging but the sensitive is not.  We’ll see how today goes. I’ve tried the sleep changes and i think for me i notice as long as i don’t sleep too late in the morning it’s not as bad.  Its when i try to sleep until 7 i have issues. 
 

 I’m going to walk early. Wear sun glasses allot, hang tight in my office.  Avoid stress as much as i can and stimulus in general.  This level of sensitivity is new for me.  Earlier in this process i could do more and not notice as much.   Its interesting because when i had pure anxiety I was more willing to push through it. These feelings i back way off of.  Anyway, all i can do is be gentle to myself and accept things for what they are and move forward. Last night when my wife came home she basically was so supportive and understood why i left.  That was a huge thing for me. 
 

I’m with you on the timeframe.  Its hard.  I’m almost at the point where I’m truly going at this day to day.  I’m not focused on going back to who i was. II’m focused on getting through it.  Mindfulness and acceptance is really the way through this I’m learning more and more.  The good thing is this is temporary and we will heal.  Stay focused on the positive.  We are healing even when we don’t feel that way. Stay strong my friend!
 

 

[HugHK]

Yeah I feel for you on the exercising front, I used to do cardio 6 times a week too... Was the answer to most of my problems: stress, anger, hangover, etc... and never let me down. And now... nothing.

 

Yeah I also agree on the anxiety: at the start, exercising definitely helped. And then at some point it stopped and started making things worse. Frankly I'm not even focused on my work. It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I have little interest in doing it anymore. Just want to fast forward the time and be better again.

 

I try and do between 10000 and 15000 steps a day. frankly I feel like sometimes even a brisk walk can leave me feeling overly sensitive. 

 

Do you have the tingling sensation? I feel like this and the sleep may be the two only things we have different between us!

 

For your sleep, have you tried valerian root or kava extracts? really helps calm the mind

 

I also use chamomile tea after meals to soothe digestion. I had pretty bad gastritis at some point and it seems to help. May be worth a try if you fancy it. 

 

Edit: oh and here's another trigger: 5mins in a warm shower... see you later, hanging to the ceiling again... Do you get that with hot showers too?

 

49 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

@Phoenixmama  thanks for the encouragement!

 

@HugHK  I appreciate your thoughts and sharing your experience.  Yeah, the exercise sucks!  I was a six day a week workout guy.  Now, I’m walking 30 minutes or so. Its hard.  I think for me I’m just going to lay as low as possible for a bit and try to see if things settle.  Then slowly add things to the mix.  A simple run to the store. With work i can work from home allot so I’ll just do as much as i can that way.  I don’t drink at all these days and I’ll probably stay away for now.  For me the risk isn’t worth it since I’m pretty sensitive to allot of things.   The sleep thing is strange.  Last night was my typical sleep and 10 or so and up at 5:30 with several wake ups in between. This morning My anxiety is low and I’m calmer but i feel kind of sick and more nauseous.  I feel slightly more sensitive as well.  The calm feeling is encouraging but the sensitive is not.  We’ll see how today goes. I’ve tried the sleep changes and i think for me i notice as long as i don’t sleep too late in the morning it’s not as bad.  Its when i try to sleep until 7 i have issues. 
 

 I’m going to walk early. Wear sun glasses allot, hang tight in my office.  Avoid stress as much as i can and stimulus in general.  This level of sensitivity is new for me.  Earlier in this process i could do more and not notice as much.   Its interesting because when i had pure anxiety I was more willing to push through it. These feelings i back way off of.  Anyway, all i can do is be gentle to myself and accept things for what they are and move forward. Last night when my wife came home she basically was so supportive and understood why i left.  That was a huge thing for me. 
 

I’m with you on the timeframe.  Its hard.  I’m almost at the point where I’m truly going at this day to day.  I’m not focused on going back to who i was. II’m focused on getting through it.  Mindfulness and acceptance is really the way through this I’m learning more and more.  The good thing is this is temporary and we will heal.  Stay focused on the positive.  We are healing even when we don’t feel that way. Stay strong my friend!
 

 

 

[HugHK]

Can't seem to edit again but another thing I've found most helpful is reading. So I just try and break my work day with half hour to one hour breaks (one in the morning, one at lunch, one in the afternoon) where I just sit and read. It really helps. 

 

Like you I work from home so it's nice to be able to do what I want as long as I get the work done. Some days aren't so easy to find time but in general, I can always find time for three breaks during the day. 

 

Not looking at screens also helps me relax. I've toned down luminosity on my laptop / phone.

 

I'm praying for both of us to be able to exercise again soon... Have you been able to do it on any days at all without too much trouble? I've actually had some oK days, but mostly I feel terrible after. 

[Fightinghard]

On the sleep front I’ve tried a bunch of things to help.  At this point i take magnesium glycinate throughout the day and before bed and a small amount of melatonin (.15).  My sleep does fluctuate but overall it has improved over time.  Thanks for the suggestion on the kava and valerian. Tried both but they ramped me up.  
 

I’ve decided to just stay away from any thing but walking for exercise. Maybe some stretching.  My plan is once my sensitivity to sound and other things calm down I’ll give it s shot.  
 

thanks for your thoughts and prayers! I’m praying as well for us!  

[Fightinghard]

I need to vent today. First the positive though.  The post 2 days were since partial windows. Symptoms are low most of the day and overall i was feeling better.  Ive figured out that i need to avoid stimulation as much as i can and it seems to have been helping.  Yesterday in had to drive 3 hours for work. I did ok with it but today I’m back in a Wave. It’s not as intense as my recent ones have been but still very uncomfortable.  Really at this point my sensitivity to things is what’s getting me. Crowds, sound and movement to some degree.  I think on the food front I’m ok.  Anyway, I’m really encouraged on the windows I’ve had.  
 

Now to my dilemma.  Probably 6 months ago we booked our family vacation to the beach.  It’s a 12 hour drive to get there.  We did it in November and while it wasn’t easy we did it.  In November i was probably overall feeling worse where my body was on high alert all the time but less sensitive in general.  So here we are, a month away and I’m just not sure it makes sense for me to do it.  I’m not scared but I’m trying to be smart for my recovery. But i have 3 kids and a wife that also want to go on vacation.  My wife understands but it still breaks my heart if i cancel.  A part of me thinks maybe I’ll be a little bit better by then so just go for it.  But we have to cancel now if we’re going to do it for insurance purposes. Anyway, i think i need to cancel and just realize it’s what’s best in the long run for my recovery.  I hate to be selfish but sometimes you have to be.  What do you guys think?  Do i go for it?  I’m so torn and only you all can understand how hard this is. 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting.  You need to do what's right for you at this point in your recovery. If you think you're able to "do what you came to do." per my earlier post, then go for it.  I made an eight hour drive from So Cal to San Francisco when I was in WD.  When I got there I was glad we went.  My only advice would be to try to separate your anxious thinking from a realistic assessment of where you are in recovery.  Are the things you'd do on vacation things you're looking forward to doing?  Whatever you decide, be okay with it and don't try to judge or second guess yourself. 

[Fightinghard]

Thanks for the advice.  I’m really looking at this objectively and without ‘fear’.   I have to say this sensitivity thing is hard.  I was telling my wife if this was anxiety like back in November i’d muscle through it. The sensitivity leaves me with intense feelings like crying (but i can’t) and other just bad feelings.  My body tingles whenever i hear a loud noise and i feel almost sick.  When it’s in full force like today I’m pretty much down and out.  But I keep saying to myself who knows if come July this symptom drops off?  I’ve had some others do that. Then i think what if doing this drive triggers me into an intense wave?  Plus i have to then Drive back? I believe that to some degree I’m  feeling so much worse because I’ve actually had windows.  What’s really amazing is how much my body has calmed down overall.  Several months ago my body was always on high alert and i was always moving and doing things because i didn’t want to sit still and think about how i felt.  Plus i just couldn’t really relax.  Now i can sit in a chair and do work or just meditate for a long time. I don’t need to be on my phone searching up this site for success stories to sit down.  So things are improving for sure.  I guess I’ll probably cancel this trip with the hopes that in a few months things are calmer on the sensitivity front and maybe then we can go for it.  It’s so hard but if i truly accept what I’m going through, then i know this is the right thing to do based on where i am in the process.  Today is 11 months off for me.   I wrote down all of my improvements since July of last year and it really is helpful to see considering how bad i feel now.  I’ve actually hired a coach to help me through this.  He’s a Paxil/xanax WD recovery so he has some good perspective.  This is a temporary state and my body is healing. I know this. I’m also focusing hard on my intrusive thoughts/negative thoughts.  With neuro plasticity it’s so important to have positive thoughts for healing.  Sorry to ramble;  I’ve got so much on my mind in terms of this trip and WD in general.   

[HugHK]

3 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

I need to vent today. First the positive though.  The post 2 days were since partial windows. Symptoms are low most of the day and overall i was feeling better.  Ive figured out that i need to avoid stimulation as much as i can and it seems to have been helping.  Yesterday in had to drive 3 hours for work. I did ok with it but today I’m back in a Wave. It’s not as intense as my recent ones have been but still very uncomfortable.  Really at this point my sensitivity to things is what’s getting me. Crowds, sound and movement to some degree.  I think on the food front I’m ok.  Anyway, I’m really encouraged on the windows I’ve had.  
 

Now to my dilemma.  Probably 6 months ago we booked our family vacation to the beach.  It’s a 12 hour drive to get there.  We did it in November and while it wasn’t easy we did it.  In November i was probably overall feeling worse where my body was on high alert all the time but less sensitive in general.  So here we are, a month away and I’m just not sure it makes sense for me to do it.  I’m not scared but I’m trying to be smart for my recovery. But i have 3 kids and a wife that also want to go on vacation.  My wife understands but it still breaks my heart if i cancel.  A part of me thinks maybe I’ll be a little bit better by then so just go for it.  But we have to cancel now if we’re going to do it for insurance purposes. Anyway, i think i need to cancel and just realize it’s what’s best in the long run for my recovery.  I hate to be selfish but sometimes you have to be.  What do you guys think?  Do i go for it?  I’m so torn and only you all can understand how hard this is. 

 

 

Not sure what your situation is but would your wife not be able to drive you guys? Or is there no other way to get to the holiday (train / flight)? Ask for someone else's help (parents or in laws, or even a close friend)? book a cab? (that'd be expensive...) I'm from Europe and virtually no one drives 12 hours where I'm from... a 6h drive is considered very long already... 

 

What about doing it in a slightly longer time? So for example 2 6h drives (take an extra day off for each way) and stay in a hotel somewhere?

 

The way I look at things, it's always better to just do the thing you want to do. A family holiday, especially coming out of covid, is class - kids will have memories of it for years etc, as will you. I also find that in life, we only remember the positives. it's likely the drive wouldn't be a nice experience, but in 5 years time when you're better all you'll remember from the holiday is the nice moments with your family in a nice place by the sea.

 

The symptoms we go through make it hard to enjoy what we love, and make the things we don't like seem worse than they normally would be. But if you start giving in, and cut down on everything you like to make life easier, in a way you just make it less enjoyable than it could be. If the holiday was a 2-week sports based holiday then it would likely make things worse for you overall, but in this case it sounds like it's going to be a lovely relaxing holiday, between two bad (or even awful) days. 

 

I haven't had any driving dilemma, but I've had a few things where I had to commit to highly likely trigger events (drinking for important birthdays, hiking with friends to do something I really wanted) and I don't really regret any of them. 

 

I'd say worth the challenge and going. 

[Fightinghard]

Thanks Hug for your thoughts.  It’s alot to consider for me at this point. I wish there was an option to change the drive but really nothing takes away from the stress that kind of travel puts on the nervous system. This past month or so my nervous system has really increased in sensitivity. I’ve been sensitive to sound and other things for awhile but past few months it’s been worse.  I really think I’ve done too much and it just made this worse.  Up to this point, I’ve been someone to push through this process. I’ve attended  my daughters cheer competitions, my sons track meets, my other sons volleyball games.  I’ve driven 6-7 hours in a day plus worked for 4.  I’ve really gone all out.  Probably 6 weeks ago things spiked for me and symptoms changed. I’ve had more inner restlessness, fear, intrusive thoughts and sensitivity to sound, light, movement.  Heat and exercise also seem more sensitive.  I used to walk probably 1 hour plus per day at a decent pace.  Now I’m doing 30 minutes light.  The good news is I’ve definitely seen improvement as well. I’m able to sit and not feel totally on edge.  I’ve had some decent windows along the way.  There are things that are definitely better.  I’m just really accepting my nervous system is in high alert and if i instigate it, I’m in a much worse place and really probably setting myself back some.  I don’t plan on sitting in a dark room for the next few months but i do plan on reducing as much stress on my system as i can.   Like everyone here, i want to get through this as quickly as i can.  Again, I’m someone that is a fighter and pushes myself.  I think I’m this scenario, i need to push myself to be kind to myself and let my nervous system heal.  I haven’t totally decided yet and your make some great points on the memories and enjoying things in life.  Its hard. Do i invest now in a sense and sacrifice this holiday for the possibility of a faster recovery?  
 

I’ll keep my head up and do the things that keep me going.  Eat healthy, light exercise, time in nature, meditate, positive affirmations, pray and show love to my family.  I’ll eventually get there.  Stay was 11 months off of all meds.  Its been almost 14 months since i started this with adverse reaction to Zoloft.  Like i said earlier, i May not feel like it but i am improving. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back…

 

I hope you’re hanging in there.  Keep up the good work.  We’ll make it through this.  
 

 

[HugHK]

Yes your symptoms sound so familiar... tingling sensation in the legs... so annoying. 

 

It's hard to know what to let go of and what to carry own with. Letting go of cardio was probably a necessary step for me. I notice walking can push my symptoms sometimes but I won't stop that for example. It's not too bad, and frankly I can't sit in the sofa all day. My body needs exercise. Sometimes it relaxes me. Sometimes not.

 

I guess the question is, would the drive really prevent or slow the healing. The way I see it even if it sets you back a few weeks, it's worth it for the memories. There is also a chance it could take it faster: doing things that you like to do, being by the sea or in nature, surrounded by your family... these are things that can really help with healing I think. Excellent for neuro-plasticity etc.. So there is a chance you would end up with great memories and feeling better / rejuvenated and your family would be super happy and...

 

But also for me, triggers seem to lead to worse symptoms in the hours after, but it hasn't really led to waves lasting weeks etc... symptoms pretty stable overall, some better days and some not so good. Also weirdly, exercise and randomness seem to be the main factors in my symptoms. even work stress doesn't really affect them. I think driving would be ok for me (although again where I am from no one would drive 12h even on a good day  ) but perhaps my experience with this is not that relevant to your particular case.

 

I think you're right in that the most important is to not regret the choice you make - no matter what the choice is. There is no wrong decision if you do not feel regret after. 

 

Have you talked to your family about this yet? What does your wife think? 

[Fightinghard]

I’m in a really tough wave right now.  My symptoms have really intensified to the highest they’ve been so far.  To be honest, I’m not really sure how to describe them.  Surges of discomfort in my chest and my sensitivity is extreme.  I’m very ‘jumpy’. I’m waking up with that feeling of fear at night and it’s staying with me the entire day.  These past few weeks I’ve limited my activities because of my sensitivity.  I walk for 20-30 minutes and occasionally go to the store or similar. Work wise, i went somewhere on Thursday and I think it kicked me into this wave.  3 hours of driving is just too much. I’m at a loss on how to handle this moving forward.  I’m basically at home and I’m too uncomfortable to do much here.  Is 90 degrees here and the heat gets to me so going outside is hard. Plus we have the 17 year cicada so it’s very loud.  I have to believe light activity is good for me but what can i do?  Without stimulating me?  It’s hard.  I’m Hoping this wave slows down soon.  It is by far the hardest I’ve dealt with.  This past month I’ve recognized the sensitivity so i slowed down.  Now, I’m worse because i did a few things i had to do.  I’ve read inactivity can cause the nervous system to be sensitive.  I’m really not sure what to do. 
 

As bad as i feel, i believe i am healing everyday.  Each day is one day closer. I’m really hoping i get back to how i felt last Wednesday where things were calming down.  My wife is obviously worried and asking if there is anything to Do.  I’ve talked to her about options like reinstatement but that really scares me.  I know there are other drugs that can calm the nervous system that I’ve read about. Maybe if I can find a knowledgeable Dr here that knows how to administer that i can posture it?  I think it starts with an L. I know alto used it but she is very cautious in saying it’s not for everyone. Anyway, I’ll hunker down and wait this out as best i can.  
 

thanks for listening!  

[Phoenixmama]

@fightinghard sending  you strength 💪🏻 And light☀️ I’m here in the shadows rooting for you to push through.... I’m sorry I don’t have any advice , I’m pretty new to this and still learning ... I’m praying you get a window really soon