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Barbarannamated

Urgency to reclaim life/make up for lost time

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Barbarannamated

Thank you to Jemima who put words to this feeling I've been experiencing: an overwhelming urgency - to resume life/put life back together/get a life/find a purpose, etc. It's a near-panic state quite often. I realize many have spent years or decades on these drugs and "lost" important pieces or times of life: adolescence, early career, later career (me), family, support syatem/friends. I knew I was dissatisfied with my empty life after being put on disability/ medical retirement in 2001 (late 30s). I didn't have kids by choice (career oriented) and now I'm searching for meaning and purpose. It's become extremely exaggerated since tapering off of Pristiq.

I've picked up on a similar sense of urgency in a few people: Goldy and Ladybugqt come to mind. It feels like I was in an altered state for years - a Rip Van Winkle of sorts - as if 'everyone' has moved on with their lives and I am with nothing at a critical age.

 

I just ventured back on Facebook to a discussion between high school friends who claim to "have no life" but are busy with jobs, kids, etc. Set me off!

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking.... maybe just trying to open discussion to sort through these feelings.

 

Thanks everyone!

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GiaK

the only thing I can do with this feeling is start realizing and embracing as much as is possible that this is my life. such as it is...radical acceptance.

 

for me this works since I can actually say quite honestly that I have access to comprehending the beauty and sublimity of life in a way I did not have when I was on drugs for over two decades even while I suffer more than ever.

 

I don't expect this to work for everyone and certainly it doesn't work for me to think about this at my worst moments, but it is what keeps me going...some sort of deep abiding faith in the nature of reality and life being somehow good.

 

if this comes at you at a particularly dark moment, feel free to spit on it!! I know how that goes too.

 

xo

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Nikki

Barbara you aren't alone and posting to sort thru it is helpful for everyone.

 

In a word "Grief". "Loss" is another word to describe WD and/or time spent coping with medications.

 

It happened to me during and after my Lexpro taper. Two years of living in hell. It brought on a deep sadness.

 

It also brought on resentment and anger. These emotions surfaced again when I first came to this site a few months back because I was in a bad way with Celexa. The "Oh No Here I Go Again Syndrome".

 

As you know the biggy for me is anxiety. The other emotion that comes up for me is feeling "different" from other people who do not take AD's. It's a biggy too.

 

Somehow the grief passed as I had other issues to worry over.

 

There is a remarkable difference in my attitude and outlook when the anxiety lifts. I can cope with the loss, troubles, physical manifestations and every other problem that comes my way, largely because clarity re-emerges, a sense of peace and the ability to Coach myself and navigate thru it all.

 

To be very honest, in the recesses of my mind I am "afraid" that this good window will stop and WD will set in once again. It is a despair that is hard to explain.

 

What I am trying to teach myself is to saturate myself at this time with as much positive thinking as I can, so that if this window does end I may be better able to stop the spiraling downward.

 

I have a motto that I heard from Mayor Guiliano of New York City after 911....."Keep Moving Forward". I say that alot to myself. I am from NYC. I wrote it down in one of my daily readers after I heard it.

 

Lots of Hugs Today Barb

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Barbarannamated

Thanks, friends.

You see, throughout my drugged years, I accepted far too much, or little, depending on the perspective. I stayed in a bad marriage far past its due date because I lost my career and financial independence. He is also very drugged. I feel I must get out of this situation and not accept the situation any longer. The drugs seemed to make things a little less bad or my expectations much lower. The lack of planning ability/concentration is still with me though the discontent and feeling that I deserve better is more acute. I accepted too little for too long. I broke free last year when I was running on anxiety, but exhaustion and fatigue are ruling now.

Sorry to repeat myself. I do understand about acceptance of what we cannot change. So, when I say to recapture lost time that is probably not good wording. Doing what I should have done long ago but didn't is more accurate.

There is an article by Jonah Lehrer that I posted in which a woman says that antidepressants "'worked'. But I'm still married to the **** husband" or something to that effect.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1493-depressions-upside-jonah-lehrer-ny-times/page__pid__17340#entry1734

This goes along with why CBT always felt wrong for me. I tend to accept less for myself and CBT seems to reinforce the "settling" component and not strive for more. My family instilled the mentality "don't get your hopes up" and that hasn't been a healthy way to approach life. My hopes are up that this post makes sense!

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Barbarannamated

Has anyone gone through a stage of "giving up" before moving on? I do not mean ending my bodily life, just to be clear. I've had moments of suicidal ideation when medicated and I can't even grasp that concept now. I simply feel that I have no more fight in me - for now. I was fighting medical problems/chronic pain the entire time I was on psychotropics (all classes). I got a handle on that, dumped the opiates, was always sluggish and feeling like I was treading water for many years - swimming upstream and in wrong direction. I feel fortunate to not have the physical problems many of you do.

As much as I feel that I must leave my situation, I have moments of wondering if I should accept it for awhile. But it absolutely sucks the life out of me....

Welcome to my circular thinking. If only I had a place to go.... someone to help me get there... Money is ok right now. Thankful for that. I'm just so STUCK.

Am I still pushing in a wrong direction? (Rhetorical question)

 

I know that only I have the answers. Thanks for listening. Pass the cheese, please. :-/

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meistersinger

Has anyone gone through a stage of "giving up" before moving on? I do not mean ending my bodily life, just to be clear. I've had moments of suicidal ideation when medicated and I can't even grasp that concept now. I simply feel that I have no more fight in me - for now. I was fighting medical problems/chronic pain the entire time I was on psychotropics (all classes). I got a handle on that, dumped the opiates, was always sluggish and feeling like I was treading water for many years - swimming upstream and in wrong direction. I feel fortunate to not have the physical problems many of you do.

As much as I feel that I must leave my situation, I have moments of wondering if I should accept it for awhile. But it absolutely sucks the life out of me....

Welcome to my circular thinking. If only I had a place to go.... someone to help me get there... Money is ok right now. Thankful for that. I'm just so STUCK.

Am I still pushing in a wrong direction? (Rhetorical question)

 

I know that only I have the answers. Thanks for listening. Pass the cheese, please. :-/

 

I'm in that state right now. Although last night I was ready to commit suicide. I wrote a rather lengthy email to the Samaritans over in the UK. I'm feeling ok for the moment. I was ready to call diversion last night to get me in respite care.

 

Lately, the only thing I do is dry heave. If I even look at food, I get sick. I haven't eaten much of anything for a week. Is this to be expected, or should I get into diversion?

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Barbarannamated

What is diversion? I'm not familiar with that term. A few times I've felt so lost that I had fleeting thoughts of going to hospital, but know they would only reinstate drugs.

It's a difficult situation when there's no respite system in place that is not medication-based.

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meistersinger

What is diversion? I'm not familiar with that term. A few times I've felt so lost that I had fleeting thoughts of going to hospital, but know they would only reinstate drugs.

It's a difficult situation when there's no respite system in place that is not medication-based.

 

Instead of the psychiatric hospital, some of the social welfare groups have set up respite houses for short term recovery from mental health issues. Look at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/peer-run-respites as well as http://buzz.freeshell.org/wlines/pdf/respite-programs.pdf. Also, in PA, if admitted to a mental facility, you do have the right to refuse medicine. PA does have mental health parity laws on the books. See http://www.drnpa.org/File/publications/righttorefusetreatmentfactsheet.pdf.

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Barbarannamated

Instead of the psychiatric hospital, some of the social welfare groups have set up respite houses for short term recovery from mental health issues. Look at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/peer-run-respites as well as http://buzz.freeshell.org/wlines/pdf/respite-programs.pdf

 

Meistersinger,

I would be there in a heartbeat if we had that here!!! I knew of similar places in Georgia, but wasnt aware that Pennsylvania had Respite Houses. That's usually part of/run by the Certified Peer Specialist system, as far as I know. It is alternative to medication. Pennsylvania has a GREAT support system that is not drug based. You are very fortunate to have access to that!

I apologize if this comes across strong. I'm having a rough day and really needing somewhere to go.

I tried to join the Yahoo group, but couldnt recall my login.

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meistersinger

 

Instead of the psychiatric hospital, some of the social welfare groups have set up respite houses for short term recovery from mental health issues. Look at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/peer-run-respites as well as http://buzz.freeshell.org/wlines/pdf/respite-programs.pdf

 

Meistersinger,

I would be there in a heartbeat if we had that here!!! I knew of similar places in Georgia, but wasnt aware that Pennsylvania had Respite Houses. That's usually part of/run by the Certified Peer Specialist system, as far as I know. It is alternative to medication. Pennsylvania has a GREAT support system that is not drug based. You are very fortunate to have access to that!

I apologize if this comes across strong. I'm having a rough day and really needing somewhere to go.

I tried to join the Yahoo group, but couldnt recall my login.

 

There is also clubhouses. See http://www.iccd.org/

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Nikki

Has anyone gone through a stage of "giving up" before moving on? I do not mean ending my bodily life, just to be clear. I've had moments of suicidal ideation when medicated and I can't even grasp that concept now. I simply feel that I have no more fight in me - for now. I was fighting medical problems/chronic pain the entire time I was on psychotropics (all classes). I got a handle on that, dumped the opiates, was always sluggish and feeling like I was treading water for many years - swimming upstream and in wrong direction. I feel fortunate to not have the physical problems many of you do.

Barb

 

 

Some people call this the 11th hour. It is that "giving up" and then there is a break thru. It happens many times in life, and for myself more so during a taper. Almost every day is an 11th hour.

 

Sometimes, this "giving up" before a break thru is when we hit a bottom and the only way out is acceptance and surrender. You do have your autoimmune issue which causes you fatigue which makes it hard to swim up stream.

 

Barbara I am in the process of rebuilding. It's been three years this month. My mother also refers to it as swimming up stream. For me it is career, finances and yes medications. Celexa was a huge mistake.

 

Can you sit down, and write out goals you would like to achieve? You have been succeeding at your goal of getting off medications, and you don't give yourself credit for that ;) You need to.

 

As far as staying put in your home with your husband...if you stay put (which is okay) it may help to practice detachment. He has his own stuff. Can you look at him as someone else who is sick and suffering? Can you do things outside the house? Take a class in something you like to keep you out and keep your mind immersed?

 

Someone once told me, that when I was ready to divorce, my feet would do the walking.

 

MeisterSinger: the diversion you mentioned sounds like an okay thing. Do you want to do it? Do you think this may be a better move for you right now? Do you believe it may help you to get or crossover to a better frame of mind. The dry heaving, I get that in the mornings from anxiety. Was feeling suicidal the ideation or were you serious?

 

Most of us are stuck. It is what I posted about this morning. In my situation I am stuck in between my ears. I don't have physical complications. I am strong and healthy and in relatively good shape. Could stand to improve my diet.

 

Our thinking has been affected by this stuff. WD makes all of us feel stuck. It's like walking around with a cage over our heads. We are locked in.

 

Maybe the way out is to help build each other up. I a on board for that :)

 

Hugs

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Barbarannamated

The 11th hour. Thank you, Nikki. It feels good that this feeling has a name...that it's been recognized.

The countdown's on...

(isn't that an 80s song?)

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meistersinger

Has anyone gone through a stage of "giving up" before moving on? I do not mean ending my bodily life, just to be clear. I've had moments of suicidal ideation when medicated and I can't even grasp that concept now. I simply feel that I have no more fight in me - for now. I was fighting medical problems/chronic pain the entire time I was on psychotropics (all classes). I got a handle on that, dumped the opiates, was always sluggish and feeling like I was treading water for many years - swimming upstream and in wrong direction. I feel fortunate to not have the physical problems many of you do.

Barb

 

 

Some people call this the 11th hour. It is that "giving up" and then there is a break thru. It happens many times in life, and for myself more so during a taper. Almost every day is an 11th hour.

 

Sometimes, this "giving up" before a break thru is when we hit a bottom and the only way out is acceptance and surrender. You do have your autoimmune issue which causes you fatigue which makes it hard to swim up stream.

 

Barbara I am in the process of rebuilding. It's been three years this month. My mother also refers to it as swimming up stream. For me it is career, finances and yes medications. Celexa was a huge mistake.

 

Can you sit down, and write out goals you would like to achieve? You have been succeeding at your goal of getting off medications, and you don't give yourself credit for that ;) You need to.

 

As far as staying put in your home with your husband...if you stay put (which is okay) it may help to practice detachment. He has his own stuff. Can you look at him as someone else who is sick and suffering? Can you do things outside the house? Take a class in something you like to keep you out and keep your mind immersed?

 

Someone once told me, that when I was ready to divorce, my feet would do the walking.

 

MeisterSinger: the diversion you mentioned sounds like an okay thing. Do you want to do it? Do you think this may be a better move for you right now? Do you believe it may help you to get or crossover to a better frame of mind. The dry heaving, I get that in the mornings from anxiety. Was feeling suicidal the ideation or were you serious?

 

Most of us are stuck. It is what I posted about this morning. In my situation I am stuck in between my ears. I don't have physical complications. I am strong and healthy and in relatively good shape. Could stand to improve my diet.

 

Our thinking has been affected by this stuff. WD makes all of us feel stuck. It's like walking around with a cage over our heads. We are locked in.

 

Maybe the way out is to help build each other up. I a on board for that :)

 

Hugs

 

Biggest problem is I don't know. If it weren't for the fact I don't think my car would survive, and I don't have the money to leave, I'd be so far in the middle of nowhere it wouldn't be funny. Physically, I'm ok. Mentally and financially, that's a different story.

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Barbarannamated

Meistersinger,

Where is the closest Respite House? I did see a Clubhouse in York or Lancaster.

I think the Respite Homes are a good alternative to hospitalization, a place to get some footing away from home environs and not a place that is med-oriented. That said, I don't know of anyone who's been to one.

I've heard of The Clubhouses, Living Rooms (Arizona), Tennessee has their own version. California has some. I have mixed feelings about the concept, but I'm not that knowledgeable. With any programs like this, I believe, if used as a transition, it can be good. However, there is the risk of it becoming a "crutch". I did 2 Intensive Outpatient programs voluntarily just for something to do, to try to get myself back into a routine after not working for so long. Very bad idea! I had to see their psychiatrists who essentially forced me into detox for opiates that they claimed were not allowing SNRIs and neuroleptics to work. Nobody ever addressed the simple fact that I lost my career and desperately needed to feel needed and with purpose. It was demoralizing. The "field trips" were to grocery stores to learn how to shop for healthy foods, etc. I was SCREAMING on the inside! "I lost my purpose in life, not my brain!"

Sorry again for the deviation. That was a really bad memory that I needed to confront.

 

I am not equating Partial Hospitalization/Intensive Outpatient programs with any of the programs Meistersinger referred to. Thank you for a wealth of info! There's alot of potential there, if run and used appropriately.

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Barbarannamated

Meistersinger,

how are you? I'm very sorry for previous post that went so far off topic. I hope you are able to find good, supportive resources that align with your desire to get away from meds. I'm sorry you're having car troubles. B

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Phil

I am experiencing this right now, Barb. A strong urge to make up for all I have lost in my life.

 

Has anyone gone through a stage of "giving up" before moving on? I do not mean ending my bodily life, just to be clear.

 

I totally get what you mean by "giving up" before moving on! I often have to get to that point before I can do so. Its like I have to let go of all the "wanting", and convince myself there's no point in anything at all anymore.

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meistersinger

 

Instead of the psychiatric hospital, some of the social welfare groups have set up respite houses for short term recovery from mental health issues. Look at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/peer-run-respites as well as http://buzz.freeshell.org/wlines/pdf/respite-programs.pdf

 

Meistersinger,

I would be there in a heartbeat if we had that here!!! I knew of similar places in Georgia, but wasnt aware that Pennsylvania had Respite Houses. That's usually part of/run by the Certified Peer Specialist system, as far as I know. It is alternative to medication. Pennsylvania has a GREAT support system that is not drug based. You are very fortunate to have access to that!

I apologize if this comes across strong. I'm having a rough day and really needing somewhere to go.

I tried to join the Yahoo group, but couldnt recall my login.

 

Some of them are run by religious groups. Friends hospital in Philadelphia.is a mental facility run by the Quakers. Philhaven, in Mt. Gretna, in Lebanon County, is run by the Mennonites. Diakon Services in Harrisburg is part of Lutheran Social Services. I'm not sure what Catholic Charities have. A distant friend I had, who was a local celebrity on the parade circuit, with his Harley, and 2 basset hounds dressed in biker regalia sitting in the sidecar, had to rely on them quite a few times in order to afford his insulin, before he died a few years ago.

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Barbarannamated

I am experiencing this right now, Barb. A strong urge to make up for all I have lost in my life.

I totally get what you mean by "giving up" before moving on! I often have to get to that point before I can do so. Its like I have to let go of all the "wanting", and convince myself there's no point in anything at all anymore.

 

Phil,

Thanks for your response. There are a few people on the board whose experiences and descriptions always resonate with me and you are one. Your descriptions of DP/DR awhile back and some others. How are you doing and how are you handling this urgent "must make up for lost time" feeling? I haven't gotten past my head. Feels like I'm walking in quicksand. :(

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Skyler

I totally get what you mean by "giving up" before moving on! I often have to get to that point before I can do so. Its like I have to let go of all the "wanting", and convince myself there's no point in anything at all anymore.

 

In this context, I'd interpret giving up as jettisoning old baggage... once we can relate to the present as opposed to past preconceptions, we can find our way.~S

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Barbarannamated

Yes, exactly, Schuyler.

While I understand the acceptance-of-now theory, I feel that under the influence of drugs, I accepted far too much that was detrimental to me: bad marriage/extreme disrespect, abusive family situation, loss of autonomy, no support system. The life that evolved (devolved) in that time is unacceptable to me. If i was in a supportive relationship and/or maintained any career/autonomy over the years, I may not have the sense of urgency. I have only myself to take care of me. It is not in my husband's best interests to help me improve/become functional. I don't know how else to state what is my reality. That is not something that I am willing to accept.

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annej

Yes, exactly, Schuyler.

While I understand the acceptance-of-now theory, I feel that under the influence of drugs, I accepted far too much that was detrimental to me: bad marriage/extreme disrespect, abusive family situation, loss of autonomy, no support system. The life that evolved (devolved) in that time is unacceptable to me. If i was in a supportive relationship and/or maintained any career/autonomy over the years, I may not have the sense of urgency. I have only myself to take care of me. It is not in my husband's best interests to help me improve/become functional. I don't know how else to state what is my reality. That is not something that I am willing to accept.

 

Awareness of all things that one is unwilling to accept is a huge start. You have divested yourself of many mood-altering drugs and from what I understand, the K is helping with your bruxism, the Trazadone helps with sleep, and the Vyvanse gives you brief moments of seeing through the "tunnel". It is sad and angering when we discover that our significant others are unable/unwilling to help us.

 

There are many ways of digging ourselves out of holes - whether they are caused by the outer environment or our inner state. Loss of agency (automony) can be reclaimed even after years of senseless drugging and the attendant fall-out. I understand your pain. I am right there with you. I have had to make a full time job out of finding support, meaning and purpose. It's slow, tedious work and fraught with setbacks. Two steps forward, one step back. I realize my suffering is not unique. Lives are full of suffering - I believe the Buddhists call this "Dhukka". Read www.willspirit. His life was horrible and he is finding his way. We can too. : Hugs, Annej

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Skyler

Yes, exactly, Schuyler.

While I understand the acceptance-of-now theory, I feel that under the influence of drugs, I accepted far too much that was detrimental to me: bad marriage/extreme disrespect, abusive family situation, loss of autonomy, no support system. The life that evolved (devolved) in that time is unacceptable to me. If i was in a supportive relationship and/or maintained any career/autonomy over the years, I may not have the sense of urgency. I have only myself to take care of me. It is not in my husband's best interests to help me improve/become functional. I don't know how else to state what is my reality. That is not something that I am willing to accept.

 

Right, but take the drug history out of the equation and you still have the same task.. to look at the reason you accepted disrespect. Your isolation is largely responsible for the lack of a support system, as you appear to realize. Your husband's interests are not yours, possibly never were. Buddhism is valuable, but coupled with insight work, you can break those bonds. Note, both use guides.

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annej

 

Yes, exactly, Schuyler.

While I understand the acceptance-of-now theory, I feel that under the influence of drugs, I accepted far too much that was detrimental to me: bad marriage/extreme disrespect, abusive family situation, loss of autonomy, no support system. The life that evolved (devolved) in that time is unacceptable to me. If i was in a supportive relationship and/or maintained any career/autonomy over the years, I may not have the sense of urgency. I have only myself to take care of me. It is not in my husband's best interests to help me improve/become functional. I don't know how else to state what is my reality. That is not something that I am willing to accept.

 

Right, but take the drug history out of the equation and you still have the same task.. to look at the reason you accepted disrespect. Your isolation is largely responsible for the lack of a support system, as you appear to realize. Your husband's interests are not yours, possibly never were. Buddhism is valuable, but coupled with insight work, you can break those bonds. Note, both use guides.

 

Excellent post Schuyler. Thank you for posting this. :) Hugs, Annej

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Barbarannamated

Thank you for allowing and helping me to work through years of muck and debris.

It is painful to look at how low the bar has been lowered in my life (my responsibility). When I was at my worst in 2008, my mother-in-law said to me "Don't give him (husband, her son) the easy way out by killing yourself." That was perhaps the most powerful statement of "encouragement" I've ever received. I've never attempted suicide or threatened it, but ideation was a constant during drugged years (not that I'm drug free now). I've never asked my MIL why she thought to say that, but it planted a seed of determination that "I WILL survive in spite of ____" that has stuck with me.

 

The current isolation is different than past lack of support. I think I may be subconsciously "cutting ties" with my current life in preparation for fresh start. I feel a need to form my own "primary unit" rather than feel like a 5th wheel in others' lives. Not necessarily a healthy route, but trying to identify the underlying feeling. Undoubtedly, it's tied in with losing my family of origin and having no "circle of life" with children or nieces/nephews. A psych resident referred to it as "end of family line depression" though I've never found that term used elsewhere.

RE: the drugs helped mask the pain created by the family messages of disrespect/lack of value and allowed them to continue and be expected/accepted in my marriage and life. I never had a single, identified "life stressor" that sent me into a depression or anxiety as many here have. I just happened to open up to an Internal Med doc about feeling "blah, low energy" at the time SSRIs were gaining popularity (and the Zoloft rep had probably just visited). Ironically, the then-Zoloft rep is wife of husband's few doc friends. Oh, tis a tangled web!

Another thought that has been clarified in past year:

Social circle does not necessarily equal support system

 

I'm not implying that any of the above reasoning is sound or healthy, but trying to find the origination.

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Skyler

When I was at my worst in 2008, my mother-in-law said to me "Don't give him (husband, her son) the easy way out by killing yourself."

This made my 'jaw drop', what I heard her say is anything is better than staying with my son. ~s

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Skyler

Excellent post Schuyler. Thank you for posting this. :) Hugs, Annej

 

Awww, Gosh, thanks for your kindly words. :blush: ~S

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Barbarannamated

RE: above comment - that seems like an obvious interpretation, I agree. At the time, we were both unemployed (I had Disabilty income) and had just lost a house and about three hundred thousand dollars (cash, not on paper). The options were limited. She's an oddly intuitive woman and - I think - knew how to "motivate" me in a seemingly hopeless moment. Using 'shock value', she drew my attention to the future in a twisted way.

She doesnt have an especially antagonistic relationship with my husband though she's baffled by his lack of motivation (courtesy of drugs, I suspect). Interestingly, at the same time and with exact same information, other friends were convinced that I 'had a good thing' and would be sorry if I left. Maybe that's why I'm isolating - I need to finally tune in to myself and not others' opinions on my life.

 

Husband's sister's first husband did take his life years before I knew them, so that may somehow figure in to the mother-in-law's "insight"/how it might reflect on her family, etc.

 

This ties into the "count your blessings...be thankful for what you have...don't get your hopes up... 'am I catastrophizing'" ball o' wax.

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Skyler

This ties into the "count your blessings...be thankful for what you have...don't get your hopes up... 'am I catastrophizing'" ball o' wax.

 

Listen to the way you feel, that will trump all those messages.

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Barbarannamated

Schuyler, Thank you. It's a process of unlearning a lifetime of blocking out my feelings, second-guessing, etc. "Can I get a reality check?" was my mantra.

I'm learning.

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