Zeegee: introduction

[Zeegee]

Hello, I am new to the world of antidepressants but it has been a bad time. I was started on Zoloft in July and had a very bad reaction to the medicine. I was told to take 25mg daily for a week, then 50mg daily onward. Around the time I hit 50mg I started to lose my mind. I was basically set back several years mental health wise and have yet to recover. I had luckily had the foresight to have my dad take my gun before I started the medicine, because I would have killed myself if I hadn't. After explaining this to my psychiatrist, they relented and had me "taper off" the medicine by dropping to 25mg for 4 days then off it entirely. It's been about 2.5 weeks since then, and I have not been doing much better. I still have awful, dark thoughts and intrusive ones that are upsetting as well. My anxiety, which was annoying before, is now completely out of control. My personality has completely shifted. I am not the same person I was and it sucks. I can't enjoy movies, shows, video games, or anything. Every waking second is a new hell of emotional instability. Prior to the medicine, I had issues dealing with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They would come and go and I was relatively alright. Since then, I can not relax even slightly. I have tried everything that normally works, and I am just lost. I even tried getting a medical marijuana card and the marijuana didn't help even slightly. 

 

My current life situation isn't helping, but I am unable to change it in the short and long term. Highlights include:

 

-Being treated like dogshit in the military (out now) because my wife was an immigrant and I wasn't reenlisting, and had physical issues

-Have to continually get surgery, can barely walk. Can't sit down almost at all, have to stand or lay down. Spend most of my day on my feet.

-Wife borderline abusive (started my MH issues), not currently living together for a variety of reasons

-Fired from job because my entire department wanted COVID-19 safety things and I was considered "the ringleader."

-Denied unemployment (was owed $20,000)

-Unable to live on my own due to income being too low (disability check helps but not enough).

-FBI had to come and take some of my HDDs that I discovered had govt files on them that I didn't know about

-Constant guilt/shame complex

 

All that being said, I was managing things okay for the most part until Zoloft. My psychiatrist basically told me I was being dramatic because I was on it for such a short amount of time and for such a low dose, but it has completely and fundamentally destroyed me as a person. I am still experiencing things like clenching my jaw, nausea, extreme anxiety/depressive states, obsessive thoughts that loop, feelings of guilt / shame, etc. Many of these things did not exist prior to taking the Zoloft. It is supposedly "out of my system" by now, but I can still taste the metallic taste in my mouth and my jaw is in constant pain from clenching.

 

TL;Dr I tried Zoloft for a few weeks and it has destroyed me. Looking for advice, support, and anything anyone is willing to offer. I have not been able to find where to update my signature but I will as soon as I do. Thank you!

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, Zeegee.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You have had an adverse reaction to the Zoloft, which means the drug is basically poison to your system.  This is not uncommon.  Some people's chemical makeup is such that that they can't tolerate psychiatric drugs at all.  Your body reacted very strongly to the drug and threw your system into chaos.  It is like an allergic reaction, but these drugs are very strong and the reaction to them is consequently very strong.  The fact that the drug is "out of your system" now is irrelevant.  The effects remain.  Your brain and central nervous system had a very strong negative reaction to the drug, and your system as a result is very sensitized and dysregulated.

 

The good news is that the damage is not permanent and that you will heal.  Unfortunately, there is no way to predict how long it will take to heal.  Please read:

 

But I only took it for a Week

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

Here's the link for you to update your signature:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with others members.  We're glad you found your way here.

[Zeegee]

8 hours ago, Gridley said:

Welcome to SA, Zeegee.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You have had an adverse reaction to the Zoloft, which means the drug is basically poison to your system.  This is not uncommon.  Some people's chemical makeup is such that that they can't tolerate psychiatric drugs at all.  Your body reacted very strongly to the drug and threw your system into chaos.  It is like an allergic reaction, but these drugs are very strong and the reaction to them is consequently very strong.  The fact that the drug is "out of your system" now is irrelevant.  The effects remain.  Your brain and central nervous system had a very strong negative reaction to the drug, and your system as a result is very sensitized and dysregulated.

 

The good news is that the damage is not permanent and that you will heal.  Unfortunately, there is no way to predict how long it will take to heal.  Please read:

 

But I only took it for a Week

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

Here's the link for you to update your signature:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with others members.  We're glad you found your way here.

Thanks for the link, I updated my signature. And I will for sure check those out probably tomorrow when I head to the store. I'm glad that it isn't permanent. My head and body feels like a raging storm of emotions. I had a nightmare about something I feel guilty about last night and I woke up wanting to die. Extremely stressed out for no reason. I can't believe I ever took this garbage. I was looking at going to a residential treatment program for more intensive therapy but it looks like they require you to try meds so I won't be doing that. Really sucks I can't just go somewhere and get better through hardwork and therapy, I have to be forced to take this medicine that makes me suicidal and crazy.

[Zeegee]

Had a really bad day yesterday. Had a nightmare about some stuff from my past, woke up and went about my day as best as I could. Felt on edge entire time, and just irritable and depressed. Possibly the worst I've felt since I was actively on the Zoloft. I wanted to die but not necessarily kill myself, but the thoughts crossed my mind. A few of my friends tried to talk to me but their style of "tough love" made it worse. Telling me it's not the medicine at this point, it's my own fault for not controlling my thoughts/emotions better, etc. One even went so far as to justify the feelings about my past actions and breaking down what was the "worst offense", "medium offense", and "incidental" stuff. He probably thought he was helping me by minimizing some of the stuff I felt bad about, but all he really did was confirm it and then go so far as to assign what was the "worst" thing I did and so on, which exacerbated it. Needless to say, bad time overall. I left a support group I am a part of because I felt I have 1. overstayed my welcome and 2. don't think I was benefiting from it. They seemed annoyed/pissed off I won't "change" certain aspects of my life that I legitimately can't or won't yet for a variety of, in my opinion, valid reasons. They also were the ones that recommended I take Zoloft and one person even said every time I bring up how much it destroyed me, it is like I am "blaming them." I felt that with my current mental state, and everything going on, it was best I just left and went about my life and they about theirs. 

 

All of that being said, I have been awake approximately 30-45 minutes and my anxiety/depression is setting in more and more. I am still stable as I write this, but I can feel it creeping up on me which is very annoying. I have made a few changes as of yesterday that I am hoping will help:

 

-Elimination of pop (soda) and lessening of other sugar snacks (candy, popsicles, etc)

-Elimination of taking marijuana edibles to help with relaxing (they were possibly making it worse judging from how I feel having not taken any versus when I was taking them)

-Attempts to fix my sleep schedule (ongoing, as I type this at 4:36am)

-Opting for healthier foods and committing to buying more groceries instead of eating out (ongoing)

 

It is not a lot so far, but it is a start. I am still eager to investigate the "Stress Disorder Treatment Program" I was told about by someone in my former support group, which is a 7 week residential treatment facility in Kansas. I am trying to find out if I would be forced to take any meds (which would probably make it a no go for me); but the environment of intensive, group and individual therapy as well as a place where I feel like I am "healing" instead of stagnating at home would be a huge plus. I have also updated my signature with more information, as I left a lot out not really thinking about it before. I also have an appointment starting for either "Deep Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation" aka dTMS or "Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation" aka TMS. My sister had it done and it really helped her, but from reading various medical journals it would appear the dTMS has actual benefits (I believe this is what my sister had done) and the TMS was more of a placebo effect. Maybe they both are, I don't know, but from what I have read and researched only the dTMS seemed like it actually helped people. If the VA only offers the TMS, then I will probably not do it.

 

I am not sure what is sort of "appropriate" for posting here so I hope that my post is alright. Meaning, I'm not sure if I was supposed to be talking more about my day/feelings as they related to my anxiousness and depression as opposed to just simply about the withdrawals I am experiencing from the Zoloft. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this!

 

EDIT: Added a bit about the dTMS therapy thing I forgot to put in. Also, has anyone ever done the GeneSight (or similar) test? I was going to ask my provider if they cover it because it costs like $2000 or something wild to do it out of pocket. I wasn't sure if it was worth doing to help answer any questions, because I am so shaken from the Zoloft experience I would like to know what the test says. On one hand, I am not super into giving my DNA to a company but on the other hand the military and who knows who else has my DNA and stuff for years so it's probably not a big deal.

[ChessieCat]

28 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

lso, has anyone ever done the GeneSight (or similar) test? I was going to ask my provider if they cover it because it costs like $2000 or something wild to do it out of pocket. I wasn't sure if it was worth doing to help answer any questions, because I am so shaken from the Zoloft experience I would like to know what the test says. On one hand, I am not super into giving my DNA to a company but on the other hand the military and who knows who else has my DNA and stuff for years so it's probably not a big deal.

 

There are many existing topics on this site.  I like to use a search engine and add site: survivingantidepressants.org to my search term.

 

genetic-testing-personalized-medicine-liver-enzymes-genotypes-genesightrx-genomind-etc

 

 

Edited August 21, 2020 by ChessieCat

[Zeegee]

Just now, ChessieCat said:

 

There are many existing topics on this site.  I like to use a search engine and add site: survivingantidepressants.org to my search term.

 

genetic-testing-personalized-medicine-liver-enzymes-genotypes-genesightrx-genomind-etc

 

 

Thank you! I looked but didn't look hard enough it seems, appreciate the link.

[ChessieCat]

  

On 6/16/2011 at 3:56 AM, Altostrata said:

First a caution: These tests are quite expensive. While they may satisfy your curiosity about why you had reactions from certain drugs or drug combinations, and perhaps give doctors a guide about what medications to prescribe for you in the future for real illnesses, having this information won't help you recover from withdrawal syndrome.

 

[Zeegee]

Just now, ChessieCat said:

  

 

 

I was moreso curious about the test because if I end up going to the PTSD residential program, I figure it might help to have that knowledge instead of them just having me take random meds to see what happens (like the VA did with Zoloft). If that makes sense.

[ChessieCat]

Just now, Zeegee said:

Thank you! I looked but didn't look hard enough it seems, appreciate the link.

 

The site search isn't the greatest and sometimes using just survivingantidepressants.org in the search term isn't enough which is why I now add site: survivingantidepressants.org

 

It's happened a lot recently that topics which I know exist I have difficulty finding them.

[ChessieCat]

Be sure to read the posts by Altostrata in that topic.  She is this site's owner.

[Zeegee]

10 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

The site search isn't the greatest and sometimes using just survivingantidepressants.org in the search term isn't enough which is why I now add site: survivingantidepressants.org

 

It's happened a lot recently that topics which I know exist I have difficulty finding them.

Yeah I will keep this in mind for the future. I'm reading the topic as well, and it seems to confirm what I thought: the tests aren't 100% accurate/viable for a variety of reasons (what they test, etc) but if the VA pays 100% of the cost and it's free, I might do it anyway just because what limited information I might be able to glean from it might be helpful in the future. Who knows. This is all new to me lol, so I am probably just grasping at straws here.

 

EDIT: Didn't see your post after that one, I will be sure to!

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Zeegee.

 

Yes, it's possible you may have had a serious adverse reaction to sertraline because of your genetic makeup, see

 

A genetic test may help you avoid such drug mishaps in the future, but it will do nothing for you in your present state. Some people have fairly immediate severe reactions to SSRIs. When they're free of the drug, they have symptoms very much like post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). See

 

Adverse reations to an antidepressant within a few doses -- how long for recovery?

 

Protracted withdrawal or Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) -- How long does it last?

 

These symptoms indicate your nervous system was shaken by the drug. It may take some months for you to recover. Recovery will be very gradual, with lots of frustrating setbacks.

 

We don't know of any drugs to treat this. Your nervous system may be sensitized by this serious adverse reaction, you may react badly to any other psychotropic or even other types of drugs and alcohol or marijuana

 

8 hours ago, Zeegee said:

Had a really bad day yesterday. Had a nightmare about some stuff from my past, woke up and went about my day as best as I could. Felt on edge entire time, and just irritable and depressed. Possibly the worst I've felt since I was actively on the Zoloft. I wanted to die but not necessarily kill myself, but the thoughts crossed my mind.

 

This indicates you are adding to the drug-induced distress with habitual self-blame and self-criticism. What you might do during this period of neurophysiological recuperation is work with a psychotherapist or other counselor to change habits of mind that probably have always been with you, causing psychic pain prior to taking psychiatric drugs. If you find your psychiatrist is not helpful, why keep this doctor on your payroll?

 

We find it more helpful for the recovery process to set your mind on healing and self-care, which means not beating yourself up!

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

[Zeegee]

7 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Welcome, Zeegee.

 

Yes, it's possible you may have had a serious adverse reaction to sertraline because of your genetic makeup, see

 

A genetic test may help you avoid such drug mishaps in the future, but it will do nothing for you in your present state. Some people have fairly immediate severe reactions to SSRIs. When they're free of the drug, they have symptoms very much like post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). See

 

Adverse reations to an antidepressant within a few doses -- how long for recovery?

 

Protracted withdrawal or Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) -- How long does it last?

 

These symptoms indicate your nervous system was shaken by the drug. It may take some months for you to recover. Recovery will be very gradual, with lots of frustrating setbacks.

 

We don't know of any drugs to treat this. Your nervous system may be sensitized by this serious adverse reaction, you may react badly to any other psychotropic or even other types of drugs and alcohol or marijuana

 

 

This indicates you are adding to the drug-induced distress with habitual self-blame and self-criticism. What you might do during this period of neurophysiological recuperation is work with a psychotherapist or other counselor to change habits of mind that probably have always been with you, causing psychic pain prior to taking psychiatric drugs. If you find your psychiatrist is not helpful, why keep this doctor on your payroll?

 

We find it more helpful for the recovery process to set your mind on healing and self-care, which means not beating yourself up!

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Thanks for the reply. I have a lot of deeply rooted issues with guilt and shame, and so the self criticism and all that is a part of that. The therapist who helped me the most was in Colorado and unfortunately only serves active duty military and not anything outside of that. For the past year I've been trying to find a good therapist that gels with me, and I think I might have found one but we will see. As for my psychiatrist, I am at the mercy of the VA. Not to sound too negative, but in my experience every single doctor and stuff at the VA is not really any good. I am trying to sort of "work around" them to get the care I need, at least until I get health insurance again and can afford to see better doctors.

 

I would not want a genetic test to help me currently, only to like you said, hopefully avoid many issues in the future. I have been forcing myself to be more positive and ignore the suicidal stuff / extremely negative stuff for the past few days now so that's a plus. I will continue to keep moving forward until I can either get some relief or find some sort of peace somehow. 

 

That being said, so far I've been sleeping A LOT more than usual. I just woke up and have slept like 9-10 hours, I'll probably eat and go back to sleep in a few hours more. Never felt this tired in my entire life. 

Edited August 21, 2020 by Zeegee
Swearing by mistake + forgot some stuff

[ChessieCat]

21 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

That being said, so far I've been sleeping A LOT more than usual. I just woke up and have slept like 9-10 hours, I'll probably eat and go back to sleep in a few hours more. Never felt this tired in my entire life. 

 

This may be what your body needs at the moment.  Even though it's not good to sleep so much, it is better than experiencing insomnia.

 

When I was sleeping a lot (due to the drug I was taking) I just accepted that I had to sleep and would have a 2 hour sleep during the afternoon about 4 or 5 days each week as well as sleeping through the night.

[Zeegee]

36 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

This may be what your body needs at the moment.  Even though it's not good to sleep so much, it is better than experiencing insomnia.

 

When I was sleeping a lot (due to the drug I was taking) I just accepted that I had to sleep and would have a 2 hour sleep during the afternoon about 4 or 5 days each week as well as sleeping through the night.

 

100%. Since I haven't been pumping my body full of caffeine and sugar, I think this is naturally what is needed to deal with the shock. Part of why I was probably doing so badly is because I was eating very unhealthy foods and forcing myself to stay awake and stuff. Anyway, so far so good. I am still being plagued by some bad thoughts and stuff but it is manageable now and what not instead of sending me to a deep, dark place depression wise.

[ChessieCat]

Are you getting any gentle exercise?  Getting outside in the sunshine?

[Zeegee]

37 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Are you getting any gentle exercise?  Getting outside in the sunshine?

 

I have been trying to get outside more, but no I have not. As for exercise, I am disabled and somewhat recently had my 4th surgery (ugh) that has fixed nothing. I am unable to sit down or walk for any long length of time, so I do most of my time laying down or standing up stationary. I can't do any upper body or lower body workouts due to the location of my non-healing surgical wound, the strain of picking things up or even doing body weight exercises can (and has in the past) ripped the wound back open and caused a considerable amount of pain/hospitalization. When I was younger, I worked out every day but since 2015 I have not been able to unfortunately. 

[ChessieCat]

Of course, you need to be very careful due to your physical condition.  However, being outside in the sun can make a difference to how we feel.

 

Whilst outside you can observe things around you, feel the breeze, notice smells, sounds etc.  You could create a journal of your observations.  It doesn't have to fancy.

 

 

[Zeegee]

1 minute ago, ChessieCat said:

Of course, you need to be very careful due to your physical condition.  However, being outside in the sun can make a difference to how we feel.

 

Whilst outside you can observe things around you, feel the breeze, notice smells, sounds etc.  You could create a journal of your observations.  It doesn't have to fancy.

 

 

 

I will try and keep that in mind. The grounding stuff hasn't ever traditionally helped me if I'm being honest, but I do think being outside and stuff would be a huge help. I am in the process of fixing my sleep schedule so hopefully tomorrow I'll be up during the day and get some sun.

 

I was in the middle of typing an update when you replied lol, which was:

 

Well, I just had my first panic attack in a few days. Not fun. Got really hung up on some weird issues I have deep down, projected them onto my Dad (who I live with); but he was supportive enough to just listen and deal with me. It felt exhausting, I literally went from trimming my toenails to instantly in a complete panic and had to sit down. Felt like a car engine sitting at idle and then suddenly full RPMs for a few minutes then back down to idle. Completely exhausted me and just felt humiliating that a loved one had to once again see me in such a sorry state. I really wish I lived alone because at least then when I felt like this I could suffer through it without having anyone see me like this. I seem to also have, over the past month or so (after I started the Zoloft until now), felt a constant need to "explain myself" or tell any of my friends/loved ones about my every thought, action, feeling, etc. If I don't, I go into a panic and feel like I am going to die. It's bizarre. It stems from the some of the abuse trauma in my marriage but it was something I had really worked hard on and gotten past and suddenly it's back and the coping mechanisms I used previously are no longer effective. I am looking forward to my next therapy appointment where I can hopefully find some way to handle it.

[ChessieCat]

2 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

Well, I just had my first panic attack in a few days.

 

Check these out.  One is a female voice, the other male:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/music/FirstAidPanicF.mp3

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/music/FirstAidPanicM.mp3

 

I found it helpful to understand what happens to the body when we are anxious and what physical sensations it can cause (eg nausea). 

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm

[Zeegee]

16 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Check these out.  One is a female voice, the other male:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/music/FirstAidPanicF.mp3

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/music/FirstAidPanicM.mp3

 

I found it helpful to understand what happens to the body when we are anxious and what physical sensations it can cause (eg nausea). 

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm

 

Thanks, I will check these out. Generally I've found anything other than just "riding it out" either makes it worse / doesn't help, but I am up for trying it regardless. For me, I usually have my full faculties regarding what's going on and I can identify it's a panic attack but it doesn't change the "feeling" of it; if that makes sense. It usually works overtime to make me freak out more the more I fight it, which is honestly annoying lol. Either way I appreciate your replies and help, and I know I can get through this in time!

[Zeegee]

Not really panicking but ugh, suicidal stuff is back again. No real trigger, just randomly thought of things I feel guilty and shameful about from the past. I'll be fine, my next therapy appointment is in a few days, but man I can not stress enough what a rollercoaster this withdrawl stuff is. It's crazy to me that this website has guides and tons of people who are experiencing the same thing but my psychiatrist and others tell me "it's not the effects of the medicine, it's you. You need to just stop being negative, etc." Either way, I'm in bed and hopefully gonna fall asleep soon. Plan for tomorrow is to hit the store and buy some groceries and actually cook for myself instead of eating out more and more. 

 

Also, keep catching myself clenching my jaw lol. Can't wait for that to eventually go away too!

[ChessieCat]

18 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

It's crazy to me that this website has guides and tons of people who are experiencing the same thing

 

I titled my Introduction topic "so I'm not the only one".

[Zeegee]

10 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

I titled my Introduction topic "so I'm not the only one".

 

Yeah lol, exactly. When I was in a veteran's support group I thought I found a place of acceptance and understanding but over time they just got tired of me. So for me, having a place I can just vent and not feel judged and stuff is really nice.

 

That being said, this suicide stuff is really eating me up right now. It just feels like there's no point in going on because I already screwed up my entire life so badly from the get-go. I had a 6 figure job lined up, that I spent almost 7 years working toward, and I let it all go because my wife gave me an ultimatum: her or the job. I had a dog my wife made me get rid of, got a new dog, and she tried to make me get rid of that dog too. We aren't currently living together but that doesn't stop her from destroying me emotionally every now and then. I don't want to kill myself and never had the thought cross my mind until the Zoloft. I'm just gonna keep powering thru and waiting it out because I know time is the only thing that can help with this. It just really sucks because I knew I shouldn't be taking any meds, but I was talked into it and told it was the best thing for me and etc. Now here I am, thankful I don't have access to my gun anymore. I know I'm rambling but **** it really sucks because I don't really have anyone anymore. My friends have grown tired of me the last couple weeks and my spouse is arguably a reason why I'm in this boat to begin with. I'm living on disability with my dad, can't find a job or anywhere I can live alone, it just sucks. 

 

Sorry for complaining so much... Just really going through it right now.

[Zeegee]

Managed to go to the store today, progress! I am consumed by suicidal ideations (like a running monologue in my head saying "kill yourself") and intrusive thoughts, disturbing thoughts, you name it. I'm exhausted but haven't been able to sleep at all. Figured doing something would help, so I went grocery shopping and then I'm gonna cook a meal when I get home. Feel like a complete and total zombie or stranger in my own body. Just complete and total lack of anything positive. Had a few pleasant experiences at the store like an older lady and I kept running into each other in the aisles and she kept making jokes about it, and I laughed and stuff but inside I felt nothing. Every person I spoke to I just pretended to be fine but I want to be dead so bad it's unreal lol. Just must be one of those days. If I'm posting too much my bad, not sure what the ettiquette is here yet.

 

Update: currently losing it. Have a hang up with some stuff at home, specifically with my Dad (OCD type stuff) and I was talking to him today in the kitchen and I just lost it. Started yelling (not at him just in general like screaming holding my head). Instantly felt angry. Idk how I'm supposed to function for months or years like this. I'm seriously losing it. 

Edited August 22, 2020 by Zeegee
Update

[composter]

Hi there. I’m sorry you’re experiencing suicidal ideation. That is probably one of the more painful parts of this experience. 
 

On this site we refer to healing as going through windows and waves. Windows are when you feel better and waves are when your symptoms get worse. Are you noticing patterns like this? When I went through waves my mind would go to very dark places and I would cry a lot. It’ll come and go. When you have painful thoughts you can acknowledge them which will help more than resisting. Acknowledge, accept, and let go. 
 

Just know you’re not alone in this. I remember feeling like I wish I had a hat or a tattoo saying “I’m going through withdrawal from antidepressants “ simply because I felt so lost and alone when I went out into the world. It can feel like a silent suffering. I encourage you to not suffer alone. Do you have trusted friends or family you can call and talk to? I found some trusted cousins and friends who I would call when I felt down. It helped for them to hear me and they did their best to understand what was going on and provide support. Don’t forget you have people in your life who really care for you and want to see you do well. 
 

This will just be a small period of your life. Don’t lose heart. 

Edited August 23, 2020 by composter

[Zeegee]

40 minutes ago, composter said:

Hi there. I’m sorry you’re experiencing suicidal ideation. That is probably one of the more painful parts of this experience. 
 

On this site we refer to healing as going through windows and waves. Windows are when you feel better and waves are when your symptoms get worse. Are you noticing patterns like this? When I went through waves my mind would go to very dark places and I would cry a lot. It’ll come and go. When you have painful thoughts you can acknowledge them which will help more than resisting. Acknowledge, accept, and let go. 
 

Just know you’re not alone in this. I remember feeling like I wish I had a hat or a tattoo saying “I’m going through withdrawal from antidepressants “ simply because I felt so lost and alone when I went out into the world. It can feel like a silent suffering. I encourage you to not suffer alone. Do you have trusted friends or family you can call and talk to? I found some trusted cousins and friends who I would call when I felt down. It helped for them to hear me and they did their best to understand what was going on and provide support. Don’t forget you have people in your life who really care for you and want to see you do well. 
 

This will just be a small period of your life. Don’t lose heart. 

 

I appreciate the kind words. Definitely a window right this second, but a huge wave earlier when I woke up. I cooked myself some dinner but the first meal I made was awful (not my fault just the one I picked out in the frozen food aisle to try was bad) and so was the "replacement" meal lol. I am just playing some video games and trying to relax as best as I can. I talked to a friend of mine for a while and they kept trying to "talk some sense into me" but I had to keep explaining that I understand, logically, what is up and what is down but going through this withdrawal period everything is all mixed up. Either way, I am definitely in a "window" right now so just trying to enjoy that time while I can.

[ChessieCat]

That's a good sign that you are getting windows.

 

helping-family-understand

 

withdrawal-dialogues-encouragement

 

[Zeegee]

47 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

That's a good sign that you are getting windows.

 

helping-family-understand

 

withdrawal-dialogues-encouragement

 

 

Thanks for the links I'll check them out. The window has closed for now so I'm gonna try and sleep thru the wave that's hitting me hard.

[composter]

12 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I talked to a friend of mine for a while and they kept trying to "talk some sense into me" but I had to keep explaining that I understand, logically, what is up and what is down but going through this withdrawal period everything is all mixed up.

I encountered this a little bit and learned I had to be choosy about who I spoke with. Some people don’t really get it, and that’s ok, it just means there are probably other friends who might be more understanding. Eventually I found two good friends who were supportive and listened to me well. Hope you have that in your life too. 
 

Can I ask you about your regular diet? Some people find that making dietary changes can really help the process because you are fueling your body with what it needs to heal. Things like reducing sugar, eating more fruits and vegetables, reducing processed foods etc. 
 

Also, on SA we recommend two supplements that are pretty gentle (some people can’t tolerate supplements) and these are Omega 3 and Magnesium. If you’re not hypersensitive it may be worth a try. Remember to only make one change at a time (if any issues arise you know what the cause is).

 

Omega 3 is important to brain health and Magnesium can be calming and helpful for sleep as well as body issues. For more information:

 

BASIC SUPPLEMENT TOOLKIT
King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)
Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

Edited August 23, 2020 by composter

[ChessieCat]

5 hours ago, composter said:

Also, on SA we recommend two supplements that are pretty gentle (some people can’t tolerate supplements) and these are Omega 3 and Magnesium. If you’re not hypersensitive it may be worth a try. Remember to only make one change at a time (if any issues arise you know what the cause is).

 

Also only start with a small dose.

 

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable

 

[Zeegee]

12 hours ago, composter said:

I encountered this a little bit and learned I had to be choosy about who I spoke with. Some people don’t really get it, and that’s ok, it just means there are probably other friends who might be more understanding. Eventually I found two good friends who were supportive and listened to me well. Hope you have that in your life too. 
 

Can I ask you about your regular diet? Some people find that making dietary changes can really help the process because you are fueling your body with what it needs to heal. Things like reducing sugar, eating more fruits and vegetables, reducing processed foods etc. 
 

Also, on SA we recommend two supplements that are pretty gentle (some people can’t tolerate supplements) and these are Omega 3 and Magnesium. If you’re not hypersensitive it may be worth a try. Remember to only make one change at a time (if any issues arise you know what the cause is).

 

Omega 3 is important to brain health and Magnesium can be calming and helpful for sleep as well as body issues. For more information:

 

BASIC SUPPLEMENT TOOLKIT
King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)
Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Part of one of my behavioral issues/hang ups is "needing to tell people everything I am feeling/going through" or whatever. It's been exacerbated lately, but I am trying my best to sort of "fight" it. As for my diet, I have been eating mostly salads and stuff I can make at home (cheeseburger with the very lean meat, lettuce). Traditionally, my diet has been only garbage because of my upbringing, military food being unavailable or disgusting (moldy kitchens, food that was not cooked, etc) or lack of cooking equipment. When I was in the military for example, we were only given a microwave in our rooms and could not have hot plates or any cooking equipment under penalty of losing pay for a month or rank and stuff. So for the longest time I've eaten a lot of fast food and junk because it was the only food available. When I didn't have a car at first, our dining facility got closed down and no one would take me to get food so I had to live on delivery. After one of my surgeries, I had to ration kraft mac and cheese cups and soft pretzels that I had because no one would take me shopping or buy me groceries and I was sort of left to my own devices. I haven't gotten the supplements yet because I forgot them on my list when I was at the store but I might go and get some today when Walmart opens.

 

7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Also only start with a small dose.

 

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable

 

 

I will keep this in mind before I buy any of them! Thank you.

 

Unrelated, today has been a roller coaster. I slept until about 10:30pm just completely exhausted. I reached out to some veteran support stuff and got some really good information, but waiting until business hours today (Monday) to reach out to some of the programs. While I understand the withdrawals are just how they are gonna be, what I also know is I have deep seated behavioral and emotional issues that I need to work on as well so I am hoping that I can do something positive while I wait out these symptoms. The issue I am having is that anytime people reach out for support, it's hard for me not to melt down and deny all help. It's a weird personality thing I seem to have. Either way, I am just gonna keep moving forward and trying my best. 

[ChessieCat]

35 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I haven't gotten the supplements yet

 

Check the ingredients for the magnesium.  Sometimes they add calcium, which cancels out the calming effect of magnesium, and sometimes they add B vitamins.  Some B vitamins can be activating, especially B6.

[Zeegee]

2 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Check the ingredients for the magnesium.  Sometimes they add calcium, which cancels out the calming effect of magnesium, and sometimes they add B vitamins.  Some B vitamins can be activating, especially B6.

 

Got it. Thank you for the heads up!

[composter]

Sounds like you have a good plan outlined and are advocating for yourself. One foot in front of the other. Best wishes for finding a good behavioral health program! 
 

As for diet I’m glad you’re getting more fresh veggies in. It’s a shame to hear the food culture of the military that you describe. Hope your situation is a bit more conducive to home cooked meals. For delivery and takeout my favorites are Thai food, Indian food, or Mexican food. Good flavors and good ingredients. At home even if you don’t have the energy you can stock up on East staples like apples, nut butters, frozen veggies that you steam, sweet potatoes, oats, etc. 
 

Good work so far and you’ll get through this! Maybe keeping a journal or a symptom log can help with the need to share everything. And can also help you track improvements. 

[ChessieCat]

6 hours ago, composter said:

Maybe keeping a journal or a symptom log can help with the need to share everything.

 

Good idea.