Zeegee: introduction

[Zeegee]

10 hours ago, composter said:

Sounds like you have a good plan outlined and are advocating for yourself. One foot in front of the other. Best wishes for finding a good behavioral health program! 
 

As for diet I’m glad you’re getting more fresh veggies in. It’s a shame to hear the food culture of the military that you describe. Hope your situation is a bit more conducive to home cooked meals. For delivery and takeout my favorites are Thai food, Indian food, or Mexican food. Good flavors and good ingredients. At home even if you don’t have the energy you can stock up on East staples like apples, nut butters, frozen veggies that you steam, sweet potatoes, oats, etc. 
 

Good work so far and you’ll get through this! Maybe keeping a journal or a symptom log can help with the need to share everything. And can also help you track improvements. 

 

4 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Good idea.

 

 I was thinking about that and I might do that. As of right now today, I feel so much more normal its unreal. The window periods are getting longer and the waves less intense and occurring less overall. I think a journal might help me when I am feeling real bad, to just get my thoughts out.

[ChessieCat]

18 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

As of right now today, I feel so much more normal its unreal. The window periods are getting longer and the waves less intense and occurring less overall.

 

Just try to remember this when (unfortunately it is most likely to happen again; it's not because I'm being negative, just trying to help you learn to cope) you get dumped into a wave.

 

As part of your journalling it might be helpful to have a section that you set aside for noting down the times you feel good so that you can turn to them easily.  And it means that you won't see the bad stuff when you need encouragement.

[Zeegee]

2 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Just try to remember this when (unfortunately it is most likely to happen again; it's not because I'm being negative, just trying to help you learn to cope) you get dumped into a wave.

 

As part of your journalling it might be helpful to have a section that you set aside for noting down the times you feel good so that you can turn to them easily.  And it means that you won't see the bad stuff when you need encouragement.

100% good advice. I have no doubt that I will be hit with more waves, probably even today, but it is what it is. Like you guys have said and the stuff that's written on here (like the "I only took it for a week" one), the only cure is time. I am trying to stay positive and just relax as much as I can.

[ChessieCat]

12 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I am trying to stay positive and just relax as much as I can.

👍☺️

[Zeegee]

And just like that, the wave has hit me lmao. I was a witness at an unemployment hearing today and answered the questions all 100% truthfully. The opposing party's counsel kept insinuating I am a liar, and saying "NEED I REMIND YOU YOU ARE UNDER OATH???" over and over, and I still don't understand why; other than he was trying to discredit me as a witness. I randomly started spiraling wondering if I somehow committed perjury even though I didn't. Only thing I can think of is that I said that we read a bunch of stuff from the NLRB website, which is a true statement and how it went down, before engaging in a protected concerted activity as a group. However, I also was shown stuff from some friends and when they asked if I talked to anyone (they were asking about lawyers and stuff is how I understood it) I said "no, we read it all online. Like from the NLRB website and stuff." I did not do anything wrong and I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but I am like spiraling and obsessing "did I do something wrong? did I say something wrong?" over and over. Anxiety going nuts smh. I know it's irrational but I think that the opposing counsel gaslighting me made me feel bad. At one point, he read me "an exact quote" but I know it was not accurate. Other people there confirmed I said what I thought I said, but he was outright saying I didn't and it made me feel a little confused lol. Anyway, just a little venting. Gonna try and play some games or rest soon and let the wave ride out.

 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Altostrata
approved

[Zeegee]

Anxiety going 90mph right now about some stuff that happened today. Suicidal ideations, the whole 9. Seriously went from 100% normal and feeling fine to feeling like I got hit by a truck. The windows/waves haven't been this sharp of a rise/fall in a while. I want to scream or run as fast as I can for no reason whatsoever. Sinking pit in my stomach, nauseous. Feel like I am crying but nothing is happening. I didn't do anything wrong at all, and yet the feelings are here anyway. Just trying to power through them and tell myself I am fine.

[Zeegee]

What an awful night lol. Experienced a reprieve for a moment and then straight back to crazy town. Obsessing over the most miniscule, ridiculous things like incidental details in things I've said that don't actually change anything in the grand scheme of things. It's bizarre. I'm 100% consumed by this pit in my stomach. I'm not even sure it's withdrawals anymore or what's going on. I picked at my lip (old, bad habit) until it bled. Wasn't trying to hurt myself or anything (it didn't hurt either way) but it's just weird. Clenching my jaw so hard too. If I were religious I'd be praying I get through this okay, but as it stands I'm starting to worry more and more I won't. I know it's irrational but this has been a seriously bad time. I know everyone else going through it can understand.

[ChessieCat]

change-the-channel-dealing-with-cognitive-symptom

 

neuro-emotions

 

dealing-with-emotional-spirals

 

obsessive-compulsive-disorder-or-ocd-repetitive-intrusive-thoughts-compulsive-behaviors

 

 

 

 

 

[Zeegee]

I managed to get an appointment with my social worker or whatever his title is at the VA. He wanted me to go to the ER to "manage my meds." It is so frustrating when someone doesn't even listen to you. I am not on any medication. I simply asked if they offered a gene test and/or residential treatment. He said yes, but it's "easier if I get checked into the ER first." What? It honestly felt like he was trying to trick me into getting stuck on an involuntary stay. I am not suicidal or a danger to myself or others so they wouldn't keep me anyway. I kept explaining that his entire situation was brought on by the medication and pumping me full of random meds isn't going to help anything. I was in a completely normal, logical state of mind all day and ended up going to sleep shortly after the phone appointment. I woke up with a terrible migraine, nausea, and my thoughts racing. All over the place from games I've been playing, to shows I've been watching, to upsetting things like hypersexual thoughts that last literally last then a second but make me wonder "what was that? Why did that even happen?" In truth, there might be something to the guy saying I'm suffering a psychotic break. The only difference is that I'm at least aware of what's real / not real, and not at risk. I'm going to read the articles that have been posted here and keep fighting but the exhaustion, nausea, migraine, etc. is taking its toll. I have an appointment with a therapist today as well, so hopefully that helps.

 

The good news is that I got a lot of stuff done yesterday that needed to be done, and I am continuing my healthy diet and habits. Making my bed, sugary snacks and foods only in extreme moderation, etc. There's a lot of "good" going on right now on my life, it's just hard to take the time and be thankful for it with how my emotions are all out of whack. I am thankful as hell for this website and the resources it provides. I hope I can get better soon!

[ChessieCat]

5 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

The good news is that I got a lot of stuff done yesterday that needed to be done, and I am continuing my healthy diet and habits. Making my bed, sugary snacks and foods only in extreme moderation, etc. There's a lot of "good" going on right now on my life,

 

It's really good that you are also posting the good things.  Please continue to do that, even if all you manage is "I had a shower today", or "I cleaned my teeth" or "I got changed out of my PJs".  If you have guessed I'm using examples from my own experience, but I'm sure that there are many members here that can related to them.

 

The other good thing is that you understand what is happening.  Knowing what/why it is happening means that it loses some its scariness.  Yes, I know it is still scary but you don't add the "other scary".  I hope you understand what I mean. ☺️

[Zeegee]

Just now, ChessieCat said:

 

It's really good that you are also posting the good things.  Please continue to do that, even if all you manage is "I had a shower today", or "I cleaned my teeth" or "I got changed out of my PJs".  If you have guessed I'm using examples from my own experience, but I'm sure that there are many members here that can related to them.

 

The other good thing is that you understand what is happening.  Knowing what/why it is happening means that it loses some its scariness.  Yes, I know it is still scary but you don't add the "other scary".  I hope you understand what I mean. ☺️

 

I think I know exactly what you mean. Honestly, if I had to be objective, 90% of my issues are stress related. I won't go into a lot of details but everyone I know says "man you have had a hard life" or "man you deal with a lot at such a young age." I'm 26 but I feel like it never ends. Constant, paralyzing stress. I just want to have a routine, or a "normal" lifestyle of that makes sense. Another big issue is, again, I haven't really left my house much in months now. Partially physical issues, partially due to COVID. I still haven't found work and I still haven't been able to physically do much due to my medical issues. I am trying to at least spend time outside but I just feel so trapped that it sucks. When I was younger, even in the military, I had a level of independence that made life feel good. Now that I'm back home living with a parent because of financial and medical issues, it's like suffocating and maddening. The withdrawals are taking anything that was simply annoying at first and amplifying it by 1000. The good news though, is the spiraling and stuff is happening less and less. I do feel like I'm "over" a hill so to speak, at least for right now. The waves still come but their intensity and stuff is much less and less often. 

[ChessieCat]

Many of us here at SA understand exactly what you mean too.

 

Have you checked out the Success stories?  success-stories-recovery-from-withdrawal

[Zeegee]

1 hour ago, ChessieCat said:

Many of us here at SA understand exactly what you mean too.

 

Have you checked out the Success stories?  success-stories-recovery-from-withdrawal

 

No I'll read some of those, might give me some motivation!

[Zeegee]

Well, that was short lived. Currently going though an extremely intense and bad panic. It's like a wave but much worse. It's hard to explain. My dad is trying to help me but it's just making things worse. He keeps bringing up electroshock therapy and stuff. He says it would help me forget the things and thoughts that are bothering me. Medication and stuff is what caused this, I don't want to keep doing things to my brain. I can't handle all this pressure anymore honestly. The stress is finally breaking me. None of the breathing, grounding techniques, none of it is working. I'm losing my mind lol. I know it's from the withdrawals and I have to just power through it but I just needed to vent here because I have no other outlet. Thanks.

[composter]

Again you’re doing a great job advocating for yourself. Continue to listen to your body and trust that you know what is best for you. 
 

What type of calming and soothing things would be good for you to do? Do you have access to a nice green space or outdoor space where you can breathe fresh air and observe the natural world? Perhaps there are relaxing soundtracks you enjoy on YouTube? As you weather through your symptoms you may find that taking time to tune out those other opinions and voices will be healing for you. 
 

I’ve shared this video recently with another member and it’s a good reminder that healing is not a linear process. 

Patterns of Recovery/Healing from Antidepressants/Rubiks Cube Analogy

https://youtu.be/KQtO6HXJfjw

Edited August 26, 2020 by composter

[ChessieCat]

I thought I'd already posted this to you but it seems that I haven't.

 

On 8/23/2020 at 3:00 AM, Brooke said:

 

I'd say it took about a year for me to feel "in control" of the waves. And by that I mean that they didn't scare me anymore, and my attitude was more of "put on your seatbelt, here we go again" rather than "oh no, what if this never ends and this is who I am forever?" Once I accepted them as part of the situation, they didn't have as much of a handle on me and I was able to work and live through them in a more productive and nurturing way. 

 

[ChessieCat]

8 hours ago, Zeegee said:

My dad is trying to help

 

In general males try to fix things.  And of course parents don't want their child to suffer.  I suggest that when you are in a window that you explain to your dad that you understand that he doesn't want you to suffer and wants to try and make things better.  Then you need to tell him what you do need from him and what doesn't help when you do get into a wave.

[Zeegee]

I think it might be too late for me at this point. Whatever windows I was having are gone and it's just waves now. I'm seriously spinning out and going completely nuts, NOTHING is calming me down. I've never had obsessive thinking this bad and this weird in my entire life. I truly do not think I can handle it any longer. You can't forget a memory, and no one at the VA gives a **** about what I have to say at all. They keep trying to convince me to go to the ER even though I'm not suicidal. All they want to do is pump me full of MORE drugs even though their stupid SSRIs are what caused this. I swear to God I was never, ever like this before I took Zoloft. I can't play games or watch shows anymore, the only two things that used to help distract me if something was on my mind. This is all encompassing. My whole chest is tight and I'm sweating so much. I just woke up and it's just death. I can't relax at all. I can't calm down at all. None of the techniques I read about work. I tried for almost an hour to give must an internal talk, to "challenge" what my feelings were and thoughts were like my therapist suggested. It's not working. I could journal, but it would just never end. I'd be writing forever because it won't stop. I'm close to just giving up.

[ChessieCat]

Part of me wants to offer suggestions to try to help you get through it.  The other part of me thinks that would not be helpful to you at this time.

 

But I did want to post letting you know that a person whom you have never met, who is sitting at a computer on the side of the world from you,  has read you post.

 

I understand that it is tough, but please hang in there.

[Zeegee]

Just now, ChessieCat said:

Part of me wants to offer suggestions to try to help you get through it.  The other part of me thinks that would not be helpful to you at this time.

 

But I did want to post letting you know that a person whom you have never met, who is sitting at a computer on the side of the world from you,  has read you post.

 

I understand that it is tough, but please hang in there.

 

I appreciate it but what I can't figure out is if the anxiety is from the obsessive thoughts, or vice versa. It's literally killing me inside. The stress of my life is getting much, much worse on top of everything. I'm losing it. I begged to know info about the gene test or residential care, where I can just get the care I need and all this man wanted to do was convince me to go to the ER 45 minutes away. I couldn't believe it. I'm not suicidal I'm just really struggling but nope, unwilling to even look into what I asked. Had the audacity to say that it might help me manage the medication I'm on even though I calmly told him before I wasn't on medication. No one listens to me. No one is willing to let me get help no matter how much I fight and try. It's driving me insane.

[Zeegee]

Sat outside to get fresh air, hung out with the cat. Played a game on my phone. No relief. I'm hungry but not sure if I want to eat. I can't relax. I have an intense and incredible urge to get in my car and just leave, but I have no where to go. Questioning all my life choices and things that have happened over and over and over. Feel my relationship with my father will never be okay in my head because of all this weird OCD ****. I can't stop myself and just pause and breathe. Trying breathing exercises and stuff but nothing is working. Maybe I do need to be taken away somewhere because this is seriously bad. I mean unable to function bad. I appreciate everyone who has tried to help me but at this point, this is beyond just anxiety / withdrawals. This is like an all encompassing panic. I think I might just log off, not sure any of this is helping or making it worse. Thanks for everything.

[ChessieCat]

Is it possible for you to see a counsellor privately?  I realise that it would cost money but it might be worth finding someone who may be more able to help you through this difficult time.

[Zeegee]

Just now, ChessieCat said:

Is it possible for you to see a counsellor privately?  I realise that it would cost money but it might be worth finding someone who may be more able to help you through this difficult time.

 

I saw a counselor yesterday. One hour a week isn't gonna cut it. I'm spending $75 a session which is cheap but I am no longer working so it's a big expense for me each month ($300). I'm beyond the point where just talking for an hour can get me through the week, it couldn't even get me through the day. I'm completely losing it. I can't believe I ever took that stupid pill. Even my therapist said "oh you only took it 2 and a half weeks or so? Maybe it's not withdrawals, maybe it's rebound symptoms and stuff." I have NEVER, EVER felt this bad. This isn't just depression. This is internally violent, sabotaging and disturbing thoughts. They get worse and worse and worse. The more I fight it the worse it gets. It's like my brain is going "hmm what could be the most upsetting this possible to think about? Could it be something sexually upsetting, or something from your past in the military that was traumatic? Maybe a bit of everything!" I do not think I can keep living like this. I have managed to sleep without nightmares but as soon as I'm up I'm losing it. 

 

Everytime I see anything "normal" I get set off. Any time I see anything where someone is happy or just relaxed, I start shaking. It's so weird. I saw a YouTube thumbnail of someone having fun playing a game, instantly started shaking and wanting to puke. This is the strongest reaction I've had since I was actively on the 50mg dose. Nothing preceded it or anything, I simply woke up and bam. I can't undo things and that seems to be the issue. Life doesn't have an undo button, you can't forget things, you can't magically make this go away. I can't keep living like this. And knowing how everyone is around me they're gonna take me to the ER and keep me there for months judging from what the VA wanted. No one understands that more and more meds are gonna make it worse. I'm losing my mind.

[ChessieCat]

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square)

Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

Have you considered that these may be making things worse.  How does the time frame fit for you feeling worse?

[Zeegee]

8 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square)

Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

Have you considered that these may be making things worse.  How does the time frame fit for you feeling worse?

 

I haven't taken those in weeks. My signature might be a bit misleading by accident. I am 100% clean of all meds and substances. I remember feeling somewhat anxious, somewhat relaxed when I took them but felt it made the anxiety worse so I stopped. Maybe it was helping, but I don't know. I don't want to try them again because they didn't really help. They won't stop the thoughts and upsetting feelings either, if anything just mask them for a short time. Edit: not sure what you mean by time frame. I know that I felt kinda bad but stable and okay until I took the Zoloft. While on Zoloft, I felt so bad I'm lucky I didn't hurt or kill myself. Off Zoloft, things had been getting better but as of right now I am in such a panic I can't relax. The anxiety is beyond what I've ever felt before except when on 50mg Zoloft. I have been eating clean, getting some time in the sun, and trying to engage in healthy stuff like getting things done and doing relaxing activities. This hit me out of absolutely no where.

[ChessieCat]

Okay.  Scrap that theory.

 

5-htp - gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual

 

Gabapentin - gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

 

Zoloft -  had a very bad reaction to the medicine. I was told to take 25mg daily for a week, then 50mg daily onward. Around the time I hit 50mg I started to lose my mind.

 

So you've had a bad reaction to 3 other drugs.  If you have never had the marijuana edibles before (which means that you don't know how they have affected you previously) then they could possibly be making things worse.

 

 

 

Edited August 27, 2020 by ChessieCat

[ChessieCat]

I've edited the post which I made simultaneously.

[Zeegee]

9 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

I've edited the post which I made simultaneously.

 

It's okay, I'll edit my signature to be more clear.

[Zeegee]

Today fundamentally broke what was left of me into an even finer powder. I'm so completely distraught it's unreal. I think I'll be taking a long break from everything, possibly going inpatient since that seems to be the only way I can get any sort of help. It sucks but I guess I admit defeat. Thanks for all the help, I'll be sure to check back in if anything changes.

[composter]

1 hour ago, Zeegee said:

Today fundamentally broke what was left of me into an even finer powder. I'm so completely distraught it's unreal. I think I'll be taking a long break from everything, possibly going inpatient since that seems to be the only way I can get any sort of help. It sucks but I guess I admit defeat. Thanks for all the help, I'll be sure to check back in if anything changes.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time right now. Are you getting sleep?

 

I’ve been there with feeling overthinking and OCD like thoughts out of nowhere. Combing through memories and encounters. The mind will do crazy things and twist things around to make you feel shame and guilt and frustration. Withdrawal is a dark experience. But we do heal. 
 

I’ve reached out to other mods to see what we can recommend for you. I know you had an adverse reaction to Zoloft and it has destabilized your system so things are quite rocky now. But I think you know what the experience of inpatient would entail: Being forced to take many different drugs, very little understanding of withdrawal, etc. 
 

Depending on where you are, there are medical doctors who are aware of withdrawal and sometimes help patients with this process.

 

Here are resources for this:

 

Mad in America provider directory

 

SA list of medical providers

 

You can also look into acupuncture which is very gentle and helps support the nervous system. I sought out acupuncture for my withdrawal anxiety and it was very calming. 

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, composter said:

You can also look into acupuncture which is very gentle and helps support the nervous system. I sought out acupuncture for my withdrawal anxiety and it was very calming. 

 

Acupuncture - Posts #6 & #8 (not detox or stimulation)

[Altostrata]

Hello, Zeegee. It sounds to me like you are getting the usual waves and windows as you recover from the upset of your reaction to an SSRI.

 

On 8/24/2020 at 6:48 PM, Zeegee said:

I was thinking about that and I might do that. As of right now today, I feel so much more normal its unreal. The window periods are getting longer and the waves less intense and occurring less overall. I think a journal might help me when I am feeling real bad, to just get my thoughts out.

 

This would be a great idea.

 

Are there any veterans' peer support groups you can join?

 

You need to work on not beating yourself up. Forgive yourself every day. See:

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Coping with irritation, anger and rage

[Zeegee]

Well, it's been a little while and things have been incredibly up and down. I woke up a few days ago and felt so at peace and actually happy, I thought it was finally starting to be over with. I had about 4-5 really good days and was making huge progress. Then, about 2 days ago, it started going downward again... culminating in today. I feel like absolute dog crap. I had a panic attack about stuff from the war, but if it wasn't about that it'd have been about something else. Something is deeply broken in me still and completely messed up. I am starting TMS treatment tomorrow so we will see if that helps over time. I am still thinking of going to live at a residential treatment facility, and they confirmed with me that I am not required or forced to take meds if I go there; so that's a plus. That being said, I am considering if I need to start taking something for anxiety because this stuff is killing me. Just felt like giving an update since my hope of "brute forcing" things isn't working.

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I woke up a few days ago and felt so at peace and actually happy, I thought it was finally starting to be over with. I had about 4-5 really good days and was making huge progress.

 

This is a good sign.  Recovery is not linear.  It happens in a windows and waves pattern.  Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

3 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I am starting TMS treatment tomorrow so we will see if that helps over time.

 

tms-transcranial-magnetic-stimulation

 

BEFORE trying TMS I suggest you read this member's experience.

 

3 hours ago, Zeegee said:

That being said, I am considering if I need to start taking something for anxiety because this stuff is killing me.

 

Have you tried Magnesium?

 

Only you can decide whether you want to go this route.  But please do your research about side effects, drug interactions if you  take more than one drug, and how to get off the drug/s  BEFORE you start a new drug.  Remember that you have had bad experiences with other psychiatric drugs so there is no knowing whether you will have an adverse reaction to another drug. 

 

On 7/6/2020 at 5:42 AM, brassmonkey said:

Some people’s chemical makeup just isn’t compatible with psych drugs and their body immediately tries to reject them, but in doing so throws itself into chaos.

 

Also, because of the recent adverse reaction you had to Zoloft, you nervous system may have been sensitised.  When this happens SA suggests starting with a very small dose at first to test to see how you react to adding something new.

 

We understand if you feel that you need to take a drug.  However, because SA is a site for reducing/getting off psychiatric drugs we will not be able to support you with starting different drug/s and any issues that arise from this; that will be your doctor's responsibility.

[Zeegee]

Thanks for the reply. I do not want to take any meds, I am just at my wits end. I understand this process can take months or even years, but I'm not sure I can stomach it for that much longer. I just got done just shouting and raving like a mad man because I am just so angry out of no where, and then suddenly fighting back tears because I am so sad. I am sad about my past, things from the when I was deployed overseas, the way things are now, I feel I have no future, etc. Classic depression things. But there's just no way forward I see. The TMS is something I want to try and I read through the link you posted. If it starts to effect me in that way, I will stop the treatment as soon as I can. I don't know what else to do. If I do nothing, I am afraid of what will come. Living in this way is so incredibly beyond doable/reasonable, I just can't take it anymore. 

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I had a panic attack

 

It is possible to learn non drug ways to cope with panic attacks and anxiety.

 

FirstAidPanicF.mp3

 

FirstAidPanicM.mp3

 

 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/panic.htm

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm

 

 

the-dr-claire-weekes-method-of-recovering-from-a-sensitized-nervous-system

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes