Zeegee: introduction

[ChessieCat]

2 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

Thanks for the reply. I do not want to take any meds, I am just at my wits end. I understand this process can take months or even years, but I'm not sure I can stomach it for that much longer. I just got done just shouting and raving like a mad man because I am just so angry out of no where, and then suddenly fighting back tears because I am so sad. I am sad about my past, things from the when I was deployed overseas, the way things are now, I feel I have no future, etc. Classic depression things. But there's just no way forward I see. The TMS is something I want to try and I read through the link you posted. If it starts to effect me in that way, I will stop the treatment as soon as I can. I don't know what else to do. If I do nothing, I am afraid of what will come. Living in this way is so incredibly beyond doable/reasonable, I just can't take it anymore. 

 

You are dealing with many and a wide variety of issues.  Adverse drug reaction, PTSD, physical limitations, as well as several major life stressors. 

 

The major life stressors of relationship breakdown, surgery, losing your employment, finance issues, change in living arrangements would still have a large impact on you.

 

Even though you have had an adverse drug reaction it is most likely only a minor part of the whole situation.  Unfortunately the added stress of everything else means that it may take longer for you to recover from the adverse drug reaction.

 

Your first post listed:

 

On 8/20/2020 at 8:04 PM, Zeegee said:

-Being treated like dogshit in the military (out now) because my wife was an immigrant and I wasn't reenlisting, and had physical issues

-Have to continually get surgery, can barely walk. Can't sit down almost at all, have to stand or lay down. Spend most of my day on my feet.

-Wife borderline abusive (started my MH issues), not currently living together for a variety of reasons

-Fired from job because my entire department wanted COVID-19 safety things and I was considered "the ringleader."

-Denied unemployment (was owed $20,000)

-Unable to live on my own due to income being too low (disability check helps but not enough).

-FBI had to come and take some of my HDDs that I discovered had govt files on them that I didn't know about

-Constant guilt/shame complex

 

[Zeegee]

29 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

You are dealing with many and a wide variety of issues.  Adverse drug reaction, PTSD, physical limitations, as well as several major life stressors. 

 

The major life stressors of relationship breakdown, surgery, losing your employment, finance issues, change in living arrangements would still have a large impact on you.

 

Even though you have had an adverse drug reaction it is most likely only a minor part of the whole situation.  Unfortunately the added stress of everything else means that it may take longer for you to recover from the adverse drug reaction.

 

Your first post listed:

 

 

 

You're right, honestly. I guess I have been blaming the Zoloft reaction for causing everything but it's more like the straw that broke the camels back. 

[ChessieCat]

I wouldn't say it's the straw that broke the camel's back, because things were already bad for you, the adverse reaction from Zoloft certainly didn't help and is just an additional thing that you now have to cope with.

 

I think you need to understand and accept that there is no magic cure that is going to make things better for you.  The Zoloft adverse reaction needs time, and the others need appropriate counselling and support.

 

Everybody has bad things happen in their life, it's just different stuff.  I've had two different experiences with life stressors.  The first one was lots of major life stressors from 19 years old to 40 years old, and the other one was lots of major life stressors over a period of about 1 year back in 2010 (and this happened when my AD had poop out on me without me realising).  All we can do is try to find and learn the best ways to learn to get through/deal/cope with it/them which causes the least amount of "damage".

[Zeegee]

1 minute ago, ChessieCat said:

I wouldn't say it's the straw that broke the camel's back, because things were already bad for you, the adverse reaction from Zoloft certainly didn't help and is just an additional thing that you now have to cope with.

 

I think you need to understand and accept that there is no magic cure that is going to make things better for you.  The Zoloft adverse reaction needs time, and the others need appropriate counselling and support.

 

Everybody has bad things happen in their life, it's just different stuff.  I've had two different experiences with life stressors.  The first one was lots of major life stressors from 19 years old to 40 years old, and the other one was lots of major life stressors over a period of about 1 year back in 2010 (and this happened when my AD had poop out on me without me realising).  All we can do is try to find and learn the best ways to learn to get through/deal/cope with it/them which causes the least amount of "damage".

 

I was maintaining and progressing quite well, taking a lot of stressors off my plate prior to the Zoloft. It definitely is what set me over the edge. I might have been teetering beforehand, but I have never experienced anything like this and I think all the weight I had been carrying around for so long was finally too much to bear after that experience. That being said, I do not feel I have enough time to sort of deal with my issues anymore. I am not suicidal, but I can't continue to live like this. I am going to look into whatever the VA can offer me as I can no longer handle day to day life, and I know they have some mental facilities and homeless care centers in the area and I think this might finally be the time for me to enter that system. I will wait a few days before I commit to anything, since I don't like to commit to things when I am feeling down (I don't want to make decisions based on emotions), but it's something I've felt I was moving toward for the past few years. I appreciate everyone's advice and help here, and I wish you all the best.

[ChessieCat]

8 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

That being said, I do not feel I have enough time to sort of deal with my issues anymore. I am not suicidal, but I can't continue to live like this.

 

We do have choices.  We work towards the goal of trying to recover as best we can, we give up and wallow, or we give up permanently.  The tough part is that we have to go through it and only we can go through it, but we can do it with the help of others.

 

12 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I am going to look into whatever the VA can offer me as I can no longer handle day to day life, and I know they have some mental facilities and homeless care centers in the area and I think this might finally be the time for me to enter that system.

 

This might be very helpful for you and what you need at this time.

 

13 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I will wait a few days before I commit to anything, since I don't like to commit to things when I am feeling down (I don't want to make decisions based on emotions)

 

Very wise.  You might find it helpful to make a "pros and cons" list.  I think it would be a good idea to make sure that you are able to leave whenever you want and that you have somewhere to go if you do leave.  It might also be worthwhile finding out the "rules" before you decide to go there so that there aren't any surprises which might frustrate you and set you off.  I find it helps me to stress less when I know what to expect and also to have an escape plan.  My daughter is the same.  She went to a wedding but wasn't sure how long she would be able to stay at the reception.  She was travelling by public transport and it was in an unfamiliar area.  I arranged to drive over and went to a McDonald's close by so that I could pick her up as soon as she wanted to leave.

[Shep]

Zeegee, you may want to check out Mad in America's Veterans Resources section:

 

Veterans, Service Members & Military Families Initiative

 

It may help with the isolation to know you're not alone in your struggle as you recover from these drugs. 

 

 

[Zeegee]

Another hellish day. I keep swearing off the internet and stuff, but always find myself coming back here. The anxiety, paranoia, and depression are getting worse. I am having suicidal ideations again. It has literally NOTHING to do with anything I am currently experiencing in life (joblessness, relationship trouble, etc). The feelings come, and then the thoughts manifest with whatever I happen to be reading or doing at the time. For example, today I was reading a reddit post about a film on Netflix called Cuties. I had never heard of it or seen anything about it, but apparently it is very controversial. I looked up the plot of the movie and I can see why, it seems really weird and uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had this very intense anxiety attack hit me and I had these "voices" in my head. I wouldn't call them ACTUAL voices, like I could hear them, but thoughts that are so out of left field they don't feel like my own. They kept saying "What if you were a pedophile? What if you had a compulsion to google inappropriate and illegal images of children and then did it? What if you were attracted to children?" and on and on. All these "what if" statements that are not true, but "what if they were?" It's driving me insane.

 

This metallic taste makes me gag. I was able to ignore it for the longest but now I am acutely aware that it's still there and it's just weird. Attempts to get anything done with the VA have been pointless at best, or outright ignored at worst. Right now I am feeling calmer and okay, but still nauseous and somewhat dizzy. I am feeling more and more lately like how I felt when I was actually taking the Zoloft, just not quite as strong/out of body as when I was on it. If I wake up and have a nightmare about robbing a bank, I get an anxiety attack about "what if you were a criminal" or "what if you were a bank robber" and my mind just starts racing and freaking out. I often have a sensation that I have something in my throat/mouth like a bubble of air. This is the most bizarre I have ever felt in my entire life, and just needed a place to vent about it. I have read through the various pages and articles posted here for the most part, I am doing my breathing exercises and calming activities, but it just sucks that something is seriously broken right now in my head that I can not reasonably explain. I want nothing more than to be just placed into a care facility, with no medication, and left to just wait out the rest of my life away from everything and everyone; but sadly that scenario doesn't exist. I just want peace.

[Altostrata]

Some of what you're reporting sounds like post-Zoloft problems. Those intense symptoms that come in waves with no thought triggers can be generated by the post-Zoloft neurological upset. Please read

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

 

Sudden fear, terror, panic, or anxiety from withdrawal

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization
 

On 9/8/2020 at 10:35 AM, Zeegee said:

Well, it's been a little while and things have been incredibly up and down. I woke up a few days ago and felt so at peace and actually happy, I thought it was finally starting to be over with. I had about 4-5 really good days and was making huge progress. Then, about 2 days ago, it started going downward again... culminating in today. I feel like absolute dog crap. I had a panic attack about stuff from the war, but if it wasn't about that it'd have been about something else. Something is deeply broken in me still and completely messed up. I am starting TMS treatment tomorrow so we will see if that helps over time. I am still thinking of going to live at a residential treatment facility, and they confirmed with me that I am not required or forced to take meds if I go there; so that's a plus. That being said, I am considering if I need to start taking something for anxiety because this stuff is killing me. Just felt like giving an update since my hope of "brute forcing" things isn't working.

 

Those thoughts triggering anxiety attacks, which you've reported as memories from the war and your own tendency to shame and guilt, could be amenable to therapy. I know finding a good therapist has been frustrating to you, but I urge you to continue to do it. Now, many are available via telemedicine.

 

In the meantime, you have had some success in managing your emotional symptoms. There's a reason they call it a "practice". In addition, you might still be having those waves and surges of neuro-emotions. Please don't be discouraged, this is normal as people recover.

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

On 9/8/2020 at 3:20 PM, Zeegee said:

 

I was maintaining and progressing quite well, taking a lot of stressors off my plate prior to the Zoloft. It definitely is what set me over the edge. I might have been teetering beforehand, but I have never experienced anything like this and I think all the weight I had been carrying around for so long was finally too much to bear after that experience. That being said, I do not feel I have enough time to sort of deal with my issues anymore. I am not suicidal, but I can't continue to live like this. I am going to look into whatever the VA can offer me as I can no longer handle day to day life, and I know they have some mental facilities and homeless care centers in the area and I think this might finally be the time for me to enter that system. I will wait a few days before I commit to anything, since I don't like to commit to things when I am feeling down (I don't want to make decisions based on emotions), but it's something I've felt I was moving toward for the past few years. I appreciate everyone's advice and help here, and I wish you all the best.

 

Are you homeless? With pain from your surgeries and all?

 

Please be aware the VA hospitals depend heavily on psychiatric drugs. If you don't want them, you will have to be very clear about that.

[Zeegee]

Thanks for the reply. I have a very intimate understanding of my emotions, I feel, and why I think the way I do; but what I can't wrap my head around is the post-Zoloft stuff. Like, I read the stuff you link and I understand it, but I don't know how much longer I can live with going through it if that makes sense. I am not homeless, but I am headed in that direction. I live with my Dad but I can't keep putting him through this entire ordeal and I can't keep living like this. I know I sound like a baby, but even though I might "get 100% better again" someday in the near or far future, I can't handle this anymore. I can not take dealing with it, I am not strong enough or balanced enough to continue going through the waves. I also can not take the metallic taste in my mouth that will not go away, it is driving me insane. It makes me nauseous/gag and it never, ever goes away unless I am actively eating a meal. Also, I am currently seeing a therapist weekly out-of-pocket and while she has been extremely helpful, it doesn't change the post-Zoloft stuff that is going on. Talking 1 hour a week, or 2 hours, or 9 hours doesn't stop these intense thoughts, compulsions and emotions. Anytime I make peace with something, a new disturbing thing takes its place. I was able to make peace with a lot of the stuff from overseas this past week and now suddenly my mind is stuck focused on hypersexual deviant behavior that I do not exhibit or have, yet the "what if" keeps going and going and going.

 

This is my only non-medical resource outside of the weekly therapy sessions I have. Like you said, the VA is AGGRESSIVELY pro-medication and often requires it. In the instances it doesn't, my social worker and mental health team have so far refused to allow me to go to residential facilities or get non-med based care; aside from TMS. When I had health insurance, I could go and do anything I wanted whenever I wanted to. Schedule appointments, etc. Now, with only VA care, I am SOL. I am extremely worried this will reach a head and I will end up hurting or killing myself and I don't want that. However, that might just be the anxiety/after effects talking and I might calm down and see things differently as I had yesterday and what not. I know I am rambling but I am just a ball of emotions right now and losing it.

 

edit: I apologize if I came across as argumentative or anything. I am told sometimes I do when I am panicking. It was not my intent at all if I did.

 

Edited September 12, 2020 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[ChessieCat]

Hi Zeegee,

 

When we are in the middle of a meltdown it can be very difficult to think of things to try to help us get through it.  What might be helpful is to have an Emergency or Soothe Kit / First Aid Kit for Distress.

 

This is something that you prepare when you are feeling reasonable.  You will then have it available for when you feel a meltdown starting.  It might not work fully the first couple of times but if you keep trying to use it then you might find that you are able to get through a meltdown quicker and/or more easily.

 

Another toolkit that might be helpful is a Compassion Kit Bag / Your Tool Kit for Life's Journey.

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/compassion.htm

 

Edited September 12, 2020 by ChessieCat

[Shep]

17 hours ago, Zeegee said:

The feelings come, and then the thoughts manifest with whatever I happen to be reading or doing at the time. For example, today I was reading a reddit post about a film on Netflix called Cuties. I had never heard of it or seen anything about it, but apparently it is very controversial. I looked up the plot of the movie and I can see why, it seems really weird and uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had this very intense anxiety attack hit me and I had these "voices" in my head. I wouldn't call them ACTUAL voices, like I could hear them, but thoughts that are so out of left field they don't feel like my own. They kept saying "What if you were a pedophile? What if you had a compulsion to google inappropriate and illegal images of children and then did it? What if you were attracted to children?" and on and on. All these "what if" statements that are not true, but "what if they were?" It's driving me insane.

 

Zeegee, it sounds like you're very open to the power of suggestion here. But instead of reading Reddit, what about targeting your internet searches for more helpful things, such as mindfulness meditations? 

 

When I was dealing with severe intrusive thoughts, I would listen to Mooji, Alan, Watts, Tara Brach, and other mindfulness teachers on YouTube. I have some of them listed in my toolkit on my benzo thread (Shep’s Toolkit - the first set of videos were the ones I used the most for this). 

 

Eventually, my intrusive thoughts were very calming and peaceful. I just had intrusive thoughts, but they became centered around the types of internet material I was consuming. Please be good to yourself and only consume calming words right now. There are loads of videos on mindfulness and guided meditations on YouTube to check out, in addition to the links that Alto and ChessieCat listed. 

 

[Zeegee]

I can try that, but I am worried of the "whiplash" it'll cause. In the past, meditation was huge for me and one of the most powerful tools I would use. Now, when I meditate, it either becomes aggressively negative or upsetting. I've tried guided meditation as well and it's almost like my head "rejects" what is being said or calming, and instantly begins being negative.

 

I went to bed last night around 2am I think. I was watching TV and just talking to a friend in Australia who was up since it was their normal time zone. I saw a banner ad for one of those adult websites or like "local teens in your area!" and the person on it looked young and it made me panic. Obviously the person was not a child, they wouldn't use something so blatantly illegal or wrong in an ad, but it still freaked me out. Once I fell asleep, I was fine. No nightmares, no problems, nothing. Now that I'm awake, I've been laying in bed forcing myself to sleep as much as I can because it's the only time I don't freak out. The thoughts of hurting / killing myself are getting stronger as well and I don't know why. 

 

It seems that you hit the nail on the head when you said to target my internet searches for more helpful things. My problem is that the mental gymnastics I do in my head should be given a gold medal. I would have to completely isolate myself from the outside world, internet, TV, etc. in order to truly be at peace. I am set off by even the slightest of triggers. It frustrates me how fragile I have becomes considering I used to really be somebody who was strong, had a lot of willpower, and was almost never bothered by anything. Yet suddenly in the past 2 months I have become completely unstable. My next hope is to find a new VA facility, but unfortunately even the closest one I go to is 1 hour away. I'm going to look into just getting a non-smart phone to eliminate my internet use and then I'll most likely live in my car wherever I can find a facility that can help me. I don't know if it'll work, but what I am doing now is just getting worse and worse and I'm afraid of something terrible happening. I can't keep living like this.

 

 

 

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I can try that, but I am worried of the "whiplash" it'll cause. In the past, meditation was huge for me and one of the most powerful tools I would use. Now, when I meditate, it either becomes aggressively negative or upsetting. I've tried guided meditation as well and it's almost like my head "rejects" what is being said or calming, and instantly begins being negative.

 

18 hours ago, Zeegee said:

It seems that you hit the nail on the head when you said to target my internet searches for more helpful things. My problem is that the mental gymnastics I do in my head should be given a gold medal. I would have to completely isolate myself from the outside world, internet, TV, etc. in order to truly be at peace.

 

This is all good information, Zeegee. Knowing what works and what doesn't is important, so thanks for sharing this.

 

Instead of meditating, have you tried "changing the channel"? This is a great post on how to do this:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

More on why this is so important:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

It helps to have a list of things that you can do - gentle video games, safe movies to watch during withdrawal on Netflix (or any streaming service that doesn't have commercials), working jigsaw puzzles, artwork or nature photography with your cell phone, going for a walk, listening to music, etc. This will keep you from going into an emotional spiral, as that second link discusses. 

 

A mix of these activities that you can switch around in order to keep the monkey-mind busy can help. The point is to distract your way through this with things that are helpful, not harmful. As the saying goes, "Be careful which wolf you feed" - The Story of Two Wolves.

 

The drugs really do a number on the amygdala, the fear center of the brain. Basically, the fear center of your brain has gone on high alert and it's searching for anything in your memory center to match up to that level of fear. This can cause you to re-live very painful times in your life or simply feel intense fear for no reason at all. 

 

It's important to work on self care and learn some mindfulness skills, such as not attaching your thoughts to these flashbacks. Let the thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. A quote from a mindfulness teacher - "Your thoughts are like visitors, but you are NOT a hotel! Don't let them in!" 

 

You can learn these types of mindfulness techniques without meditating. Whenever you get a disturbing thought, immediately "change the channel" with an activity. This is why having a list of activities at the ready is so important. In time, the disturbing thoughts lose their power. And the tendency to reach for a "change the channel" activity becomes automatic. 

 

 

[Zeegee]

I guess where I'm at, or nearing, is a point of no return. I know everyone says I can get better if I work hard, but I have no fight left in me whatsoever. I actively WANT to give up so that's probably what I'll do. These OCD urges, disturbing thoughts, everything going on physically... I can't take it anymore. It's not something I can live with or adapt to. No one listens to me or understands me in the medical field, and the fact that every single day and I mean every, single, day it's getting worse... I don't know what to do anymore. When I was freaking out about losing a video game save, or missing an episode of something on TV it sucked but was easy to explain away. Now when it's focused on these weird hypersexual thoughts and memories from the war, I'm ready to tap out. I can not and will not continue to live like this period. I have considered shock therapy, even somehow begging someone to give me a lobotomy or do SOMETHING to me to make it stop. Like everyone says, there is no quick fix and there is no magic cure. Well unfortunately I can't accept several months or years like this. I have fallen so far from who I was, who I was on track to be, and I am nothing anymore. Zoloft truly took everything from me. I could live with no money, no possessions, no family... But I can't live like this with my mind how it is. It's torture.

 

Last night I took a benedryl to fall asleep easier, and it actually pretty much eliminated my anxiety as well. It was like incredible, but I only got to feel okay for about 20 minutes or so before I fell asleep. And, everyday, I wake up and get about 5 minutes of being half asleep half awake where I feel good. But once those 5 minutes are up, I'm instantly back to destructive, negative, disturbing thoughts and physical sensations of anxiety and stuff. 

 

It has gotten worse and worse every morning, and worse and worse every day. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to die but I also can not continue living like this. I have tentative plans to move out into my car and try and find some sort of help in another VA region but I don't think it'll work out since all they do is medicine based treatment. There's no more windows and waves for me, only waves, and they're getting stronger and stronger. 

[Hanna72]

@Zeegee Hi there.

I have been reading through your posts and I am so sorry to see how much you are struggling. 
Please don’t give up on yourself, I know it might be easier said then done with all those symptoms coming at you with force.

30 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I actively WANT to give up so that's probably what I'll do

NO, that’s not an option. You can not give up. 
 

 

On 9/13/2020 at 6:01 PM, Zeegee said:

I used to really be somebody who was strong, had a lot of willpower, and was almost never bothered by anything

You are still strong. You have this quality still in you, you just need to dig deep for it now. Shep has given you great coping tools to practice on. Small changes can add up. 
You need to believe and have faith. Ignore the thoughts, they do not confine you and have nothing to do with the person you are .Dont give them value. 
 

 

At any given moment 

you have the power to say

This is NOT how my story is going to end.

We fall and we get back up.

You can do it💪

[Zeegee]

Thanks man but there really is nothing left. This isn't just the depression talking, objectively I'm pretty much done. I try and get through each day hoping "well maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and it'll be fine" but it isn't. It's been worse every day lol. I had a period of 4-5 days I felt 100% perfect and normal and now I feel almost as bad as when I was on 50mg of zoloft. No ability to be calm, think clearly, or do anything other than want to hit the wall or tear at my hair and shake. Coupled with insane, disturbing thoughts... I'm just about done dealing with it.

[Zeegee]

Triggering content

 

Rapidly losing my grip on reality. Spending most of my day asleep just to survive. The disturbing thoughts are getting more and more upsetting and more and more disturbing. I can't take it anymore. My mind is inventing and fabricating memories that I don't believe ever even happened, or scenarios that are 100% fake / not true and make no sense. I have feelings that suicide is "inevitable" and I have images and sort of "visions" that make no sense. Me with a gun on my lap crying in my car, to a point where in the sort of dream I could physically hear / feel the gun fire when I "tested it." I don't even own a handgun and my rifle was taken to a safekeeping place months ago because I was afraid something like this could happen. I have one where there's a rope around my neck and I can feel in my neck the texture of the rope. It's driving me nuts. I can't calm down at all. Anything I see on TV or the internet infects my brain. Now it's trying to run scenarios that say "what if you were born a pedophile?" again and forcing me to think about the "concept" of all that. I feel like vomiting because it's so disgusting to me. I'm losing my ******* mind lol. If I go to a psych ward they'll make it worse. I was fine before I took this medicine. I never had "no control" like this. I feel like I'm legitimately passing a point of no return. I can't get help because nothing helps. I'm supposed to start EDMR for PTSD in a few weeks but it's like I can't even fathom living another hour.

 

Edited September 17, 2020 by ChessieCat
added trigger warning

[Zeegee]

Woke up this morning feeling borderline normal. Those sleep gels that have the same stuff as benedryl actually made me feel normal. As soon as I started "waking up," I could feel a rage inside me slowly building for no reason. Went about my day, took a nap, felt relatively good and normal. Then suddenly, randomly, in the car with my dad I just started losing it. Sweating profusely, angry for no reason, became OBSESSED with finding an old website I used to visit when I was like 11 (encyclopedia dramatica) since I guess it is down right now. I was convinced that these weird, disturbing thoughts might have stemmed from content on there or something (makes no rational sense) and tried looking at another website that I think was an offshoot of it, called KnowYourMeme. All over the news/my facebook/reddit is stuff about pedophilia and inappropriate stuff with children and it's like I can rationally say: "this is why your mind keeps thinking about this ****, because its all you see on TV and Facebook" but it doesn't take my mind off anything or change anything just because I understand "why." I saw on the one website articles about people who "anonymously fight against" things that are wrong, like child predators, but all it did is make me feel more and more detached from reality. It makes no sense. I don't have anything about myself that is even remotely similar to these monsters, and yet just being "aware" of the concept of it is killing me inside. The fact that I "gave in" to a compulsion to look at articles I see posted about it instead of ignoring them made me feel terrible about myself. It was the same **** as when I was reading articles about the war in Iraq a week or so ago, and I was having these exact same feelings and freaking the hell out about that too. It just transplanted subject matter. 

 

I am finally eating now, which I hadn't yet done today. If I can't actually calm the hell down soon, as much as I want to avoid medication and stuff, I am going to need to go to a psych ward. The suicidal ideations are getting stronger, the OCD is getting stronger (whether its about finding a certain item in a video game, or something more serious like this stupid weird obsession with why do pedophiles exist, or things that happened in Iraq). I can pinpoint an exact timeline of things getting worse and it's almost exponential since the end of July when I took Zoloft. None of the doctors or health professionals believe a word I say. They say medication can not cause this. Before I took Zoloft I wasn't happy, but my god I was stable at the very least. I socialized, I never ever had these dark thoughts. I can't handle it. Typing all this out extremely chilled me out but even though I got through it "right now", I can't keep doing this. I need serious mental help and I am very scared as to why everything took such a sharp, downward turn for no reason. I understand that even though I only took the medicine for such a short amount of time it's okay and etc, but I'm telling you: all I feel is an inevitable dread that my life as I know it is over and I am on borrowed time. No amount of positive reinforcement, CBT, DBT, radical acceptance, engaging in pleasant activities, opposite action, etc. works at all. It makes it so, so much worse. My only peace is laying in bed completely alone in a dark room waiting to be asleep, and every day I wake up it just gets worse and worse and worse.

 

edit: I am sorry I keep posting and freaking out. I don't know why this is happening. I do not want people to think they can't or won't get better, because you will. I just don't understand why things are so bad for me right now and I have no where else to turn. I can stop posting if it is detrimental to anyone else on the site.

[Hanna72]

@Zeegee

I hear you. Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I just don’t believe there is not away out for you. Can you contact a help line.
My thoughts are with you💖

[Zeegee]

20 minutes ago, Hanna72 said:

@Zeegee

I hear you. Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I just don’t believe there is not away out for you. Can you contact a help line.
My thoughts are with you💖

 

Every time I freak out and post, I come back and read what I wrote. Right now I feel much more "normal." Not perfect, but not meltdown mode I guess. It really does come and go even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with the instability because it is getting more and more worse. As I type this, I feel more stable but I can just taste the metallic taste from the Zoloft in the back of my throat and feel myself starting to sweat more and more. It's so bizarre. I have not done anything to trigger a response it just comes and goes like this. But I really appreciate you even taking the time to read let alone respond to my craziness. 

[ChessieCat]

Every day that passes is one day further away from your adverse reaction.

[Zeegee]

Ended on a high note. Played a ton of video games and, shockingly, made a joke to a friend I was hanging out with. That's the first time I've really joked or been "me" since I took Zoloft. So that really resonated with me. Still fighting intrusive thoughts and anxiety, but damn if that didn't feel good for a moment. Also, so far the rTMS seems to be going well but my head is a bit sore each day. I hope that I can keep this momentum going tomorrow.

[ChessieCat]

That's really great to hear.  Thank you for sharing it with us.  It's good to log the ups as well as the downs.

[Zeegee]

Still having weird low levels of anxiety and thoughts that make no sense, but so tired I'm just kind of existing. I have this weird vibe that everything just seems like a distant memory or the precursor to something very bad happening. I was able to kind of come out of it yesterday, but that was after a very bad panic attack so it almost feels like it's "necessary" to freak the hell out in order to feel "better." Very frustrating. The more I try to feel better / feel proud of myself for feeling good, the harder the panic is to handle when it inevitably starts. Hopefully today I can just sleep and relax as much as I can.

 

[Hanna72]

@Zeegee

Dont beat yourself up. It’s a process and takes time.

9 hours ago, Zeegee said:

Ended on a high note. Played a ton of video games and, shockingly, made a joke to a friend I was hanging out with. That's the first time I've really joked or been "me" since I took Zoloft

This is a very good sign. Keep that in mind when you are struggling. It is really important to look at every positive outcome that we have. Might be easier said then done, but making an effort can count a lot. One day at a time, tiny steps towards healing is a healing.

Hope laughter will come your way today, it’s such a good healer.

 

[Zeegee]

Good vibes rapidly disappearing. I have this weird part of me that likes to research things, curious about things, etc. I never thought of it as wrong or weird but ever since my experience on Zoloft it's more of a "need to confirm" things and the subject matter is just disturbing. A week or so ago it was about civilian deaths in war, now it's this all this **** in the media about child predators. If next week the news or people I know IRL or via social media start posting some other big thing, I'll become consumed with that. It's very exhausting because I do not feel like I can control my thoughts and stuff. If I "give in" and read articles and stuff, I feel 10,000x worse afterward but it also feels unbearable up until "giving in" if that makes sense. It's definitely 100% OCD and even though I recognize the lesser evil is to just ignore it and stuff I can't lie there's a deep seated anger and frustration that I never, ever had a mindset or feelings like this until I took Zoloft lol. But I'm just gonna keep trying to stay calm today and hope for the best.

[ChessieCat]

There are some things that we have no control over.  In your case the bad reaction to Zoloft.  However, there are things that we do have some control over, even though it might not feel like it and/or it might seem too hard.  Habits can be hard to break but it is possible.  What would better is to find other things to do instead of things which are harming you.  It takes practise but it can be done.  And like when you go on a diet or are trying to exercise there are times that you slip up but you keep trying.  Shep and I have given you some ideas about this.  Perhaps instead of researching things, get up and go outside, without your phone.  Try to remind yourself that the researching is not doing you any good but it hurting you more.  If you had a friend who is going through what you are what would you say to them?  Turn that around and say that to yourself.

 

 

[Zeegee]

15 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

There are some things that we have no control over.  In your case the bad reaction to Zoloft.  However, there are things that we do have some control over, even though it might not feel like it and/or it might seem too hard.  Habits can be hard to break but it is possible.  What would better is to find other things to do instead of things which are harming you.  It takes practise but it can be done.  And like when you go on a diet or are trying to exercise there are times that you slip up but you keep trying.  Shep and I have given you some ideas about this.  Perhaps instead of researching things, get up and go outside, without your phone.  Try to remind yourself that the researching is not doing you any good but it hurting you more.  If you had a friend who is going through what you are what would you say to them?  Turn that around and say that to yourself.

 

 

 

Yes, I just always seem to fall into this pit of "this isn't working" instead of giving some things a real chance. I think I am just really stuck in my ways, like you said. I am going to make more of an effort to chill the hell out. My worst problem right now is intrusive thoughts and my inability to accept that I can't control/help it, I can only let them flow in/out and deal with it as it happens. This intense feeling of having to "do something" about everything when sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. Also, the rTMS treatment has actually been very helpful. It's still early but I have noticed an increased level of positivity and stability on my end; even if its not a ton. The suicidal ideations and weird obsessive need to "research" things is still ongoing, but I have been able to just ignore it/not engage with my self in internal arguments so that's a plus.

[ChessieCat]

  

On 4/28/2017 at 4:03 AM, brassmonkey said:

 

AAF: Acknowledge, Accept, Float.  It's what you have to do when nothing else works, and can be a very powerful tool in coping with anxiety.  The neuroemotional anxiety many of us feel during WD is directly caused by the drugs and their chemical reactions in the brain.  Making it so there is nothing we can do about them.  They won't respond to other drugs, relaxation techniques and the like.  They do, however, react very well to being ignored.  That's the concept behind AAF.  Acknowledge, get to know the feeling involved, explore them.  Accept, These feelings are a part of you and they aren't going anywhere fast. Float, let the feeling float off as you get on with your life as best as you can.  It's a well documented fact that the more you feed in to anxiety the worse it gets.  What starts as generalized neuroemotinal anxiety can be easily blown into a full fledged panic attack just by thinking about it.

 

I often liken it to an unwanted house guest.  At first you talk to them, have conversations, communicate with them.  After a while you figure out that they aren't leaving and there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.  So you go on about your day, working around them until they get bored and leave.

 

It can take some practice, but AAF really does work.  I hope you give it a try.

 

 

[Zeegee]

Back to being suicidal completely at random. Just simply playing a game, felt like a positive or at least balanced time, and suddenly I'm sweating bullets and afraid that I am going to somehow stumble upon a website on the "dark web" I saw named in an article. Getting to that website would require use of technology and systems I have no concept of how to use, I've never been on the "dark web" and don't want to or have any reason to. Yet, here I am, freaking out about something that isn't even physically possible or feasible in the slightest. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. I am lightheaded and can barely breathe. These reactions make me want to kill myself because I can't imagine living life feeling these for even a few weeks or months longer. I think of how I used to live life/think, and how others live their lives/think, and how there is no worries or things that they worry about/think about are based in reality. I am so far off base and still can't seem to make it back. I feel like I am drowning all over again. This really sucks lol.

[Zeegee]

Annnnd just like that, one hour later, calmer and more relaxed. Not sure if it's the Unisom Sleep Gel I took, or if I just was able to calm myself down by reading stuff / playing a game but man do I need to find SOMETHING that works effectively in these situations to deescalate. I will continue trying the things suggested in this thread and start preparing some of it so in the future I am not scrambling and freaking out, and instead have something ready.

[Zeegee]

And now back to losing it lmao. Just talked to my dad for a while but he doesn't know how to help me. I don't blame him but something is seriously wrong. My mind is just racing and racing and racing about everything and nothing. Made up scenarios in my head that have no basis in reality. Will have to wait until I'm through it to prepare for this next time because I definitely didn't expect it. I find myself legitimately day dreaming and fantasizing about being in a facility where I can just be forgotten and left to exist. Existence in society and stuff is just not working for me. I just wish these facilities let you live there instead of being there for 2-3 days and then dumping you out on the street. I don't care at this point if they force meds down my throat or whatever, I just can't keep going on much longer. The stress of everything around me plus whatever has happened / is happening to my mind is too much to bear. I wish I could just shut my eyes and never wake up, and finally have some peace to these struggles. And logically, rationally, and not based on emotion: I do not want to continue living if life is like this. Doesn't matter if I can have good days or hours or moments, it legitimately is not worth it.

[Zeegee]

Fell asleep and had funny / normal dreams. Some could be considered nightmare but they were like completely nonsensical and the "fears" or whatever weren't strong and weren't based in physical reality. It was like a game or movie or something. Within 10 minutes of being  actually awake (like stood up, went to bathroom, etc), my anxiety started and then the disturbing thoughts. If the anxiety never happens, then there are 0 thoughts. When I was half asleep in bed chilling, I had 0 suicidal ideations or disturbing thoughts. As soon as I became "awake" my anxiety instantly started and then so did the thoughts. I'm completely losing it. I can not, and will not, continue to live like this. I am not a strong enough person to have to constantly deal with this. I am so bitter, angry, and distraught from this new form of whatever mental illness is going on in my head. I used to wake up everyday positive, normal, and balanced. Now I want to kill myself and am forced to think about whatever is the most horrible things I can come up with. Scenarios and images with no basis in reality, and yet I can't forget things I read or force myself to think other things. 

 

So I am seriously at a crossroads today about going to a psych ward. I don't care if they force me to take medication. I am in a very, very dark place. My dad says it'll make it worse but I am telling you: time is not making it better. Whatever positivity I felt yesterday and stuff is 100% gone. I can not survive on "moments" of positivity or feeling balanced. Even 1 hour a day of feeling like this, I do not want to live.

[Altostrata]

Please read The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

If you look around the Introductions section, you will find many people having the same kinds of upsetting experiences -- feeling fairly normal, then surges of awful symptoms.

 

The surges are awful, no denying it. But if every time they happen, you tell yourself they mean you're doomed, you add that emotional burden to the symptoms. You have control over that pessimism. One technique is to push it away, experience the symptoms in a neutral emotional state. Remind yourself they will pass.

 

How is the hunt for a therapist or other support going?

[Zeegee]

Went super far off the deep end today. Compulsive actions / impulsive actions or whatever they are called are getting worse and worse. I was playing a video game and watching Survivor, my two things I do lately to relax, and suddenly had the most intense rush of anxiety I've ever felt. Felt I absolutely had to Google and "make sure" that something I read about in an article about a meme based on a video a child predator made wasn't accessible on the internet. It was insane, like I wasn't in control of my body or self. I have no idea what's going on. Snapped out of it shortly after but was very scared because what if I felt a need to hurt or kill myself and couldn't control it? Every day this gets worse and worse. I don't see these at waves and windows anymore, just a sharp drop like I'm free falling off a cliff. I am scared and worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop it short term and I am unwilling to continue on long term like this. I had to drive my dad to the ER because he cut his hand, but I'm starting to make mental preparations for homelessness. My doctors and stuff are useless and won't listen to me, I can't keep putting myself and my family through this, so this is what will have to happen. It's a shame because I could have lived a normal life and at one point was on track to but the stress in my marriage, inability to function after Zoloft (and I'm tired of hearing from my doctors it "couldn't have been Zoloft" that caused issues when I went back to all my posts and writings I'd made or had and the day I hit 50mg on Zoloft is when my life took an extremely terrible turn), and just overall fear and paranoia developing about everything means the only way I can escape being a burden is to just leave. I can't afford my own place or anything but I can easily live out of my car. I've had to sleep in it many times so this won't be a huge deal. 

 

[Zeegee]

Man at this point just ignore my ranting and raving. After I posted this, my Dad had to go to the ER (cut his hand) and after driving around for a little bit and just sitting... I feel fine. I don't exactly disagree with some of what I said (the idea of living in my car is honestly probably inevitable) but the rest, I don't know. Right now I feel completely calm, and just tired with a mild headache and not going ballistic. I really need to find a way to stop and remember the stuff you guys have linked here that I have read, and to somehow just bring the meltdowns to a complete halt.