Zeegee: introduction

[Shep]

Zeegee, why is living in your car inevitable? Sounds like you did a very good thing getting your dad to the ER.

 

Yes, please go through the links here. I think you'll find them a very healthy distraction that will give your monkey-mind something to attach to that won't cause more pain. 

[Zeegee]

2 minutes ago, Shep said:

Zeegee, why is living in your car inevitable? Sounds like you did a very good thing getting your dad to the ER.

 

Yes, please go through the links here. I think you'll find them a very healthy distraction that will give your monkey-mind something to attach to that won't cause more pain. 

 

This entire period of my life has been hell on my family and anyone who cares about me. I'm like a completely unstable mess, and I don't really see a point to sharing this misery with everyone. That's why I wanted my own place so much, because it hurts everyone to see me struggling so much. Since I can't afford my own place, and it will somehow seem to "satisfy" whatever need I feel to "punish" myself or be "free" or whatever, living in my car seems like it'll be an eventuality. 

 

I woke up today with a terrible, awful migraine. Still going on. Might be related to the jaw clenching which is really bad today for some reason. Anxiety and suicidal ideation and depression keeps hitting my chest like a truck. I'll be sitting here feeling relatively stable (low levels of constant anxiety, etc.) then suddenly without warning BAM anxiety and wanting to kill myself or feeling like my death is inevitable and soon, all that jazz. Then just like that... it fades for a few minutes. Every 5-10 minutes at random intervals it hits me and then lasts about 3 minutes or so and fades. This is definitely a new experience dealing with it because it's never been so volatile like this. I mean legitimately I've gone through 2-3 of these in the time I've typed this post. I feel like I am in a trance as well, not fully here or awake or even alive. I'm just in a state of complete confusion and uncomfortable as hell.

[Shep]

22 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

Might be related to the jaw clenching which is really bad today for some reason.

 

These drugs are notorious for causing this symptom. Do you have a nightguard to wear at night? You can get one special made by a dentist or buy one at most drug stores. It really helps with this symptom. May save you some wear and tear on your teeth. 

 

24 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

That's why I wanted my own place so much, because it hurts everyone to see me struggling so much.

 

It may help to check out some of the Relationship threads, especially this one:

 

Helping family understand

 

Zeegee, the fact that you researched these drugs and connected the drug to your problems so quickly means you really do have it together. Don't let your symptoms tell you otherwise. This will pass. 

[Zeegee]

Just now, Shep said:

 

These drugs are notorious for causing this symptom. Do you have a nightguard to wear at night? You can get one special made by a dentist or buy one at most drug stores. It really helps with this symptom. May save you some wear and tear on your teeth. 

 

 

It may help to check out some of the Relationship threads, especially this one:

 

Helping family understand

 

Zeegee, the fact that you researched these drugs and connected the drug to your problems so quickly means you really do have it together. Don't let your symptoms tell you otherwise. This will pass. 

 

Yeah I have been thinking about getting one at CVS or something (no dental insurance anymore sadly). And I'll read that article, thanks. It's just living in such close quarters and going through such a tremendous amount of stress with regards to his breakdown, my marriage issues + immigration, no job, etc. has been disheartening. I feel on the verge of tears at all times yet can't cry, I find myself finding new and unusual ways and things to "feel bad" about. I could literally get up, and go to the park even for a little bit (an activity I love) but the idea of doing anything happy or rewarding makes me legitimately want to hurt and/or kill myself in a very violent and intense way. It's SOOOOO odd and makes no logical sense! And when I challenge it, it gets worse. 

[Zeegee]

On the verge of packing a back and leaving. Had a meltdown today, convinced I committed a crime by accident and had 2 lawyers tell me I'm fine and I didn't lol. Doesn't matter. Still feel like I need to "turn myself in" or "self report" and go to jail, be labeled as something I'm not, etc. It's like an unending urge to destroy myself inside. My family truly doesn't understand, and theres nothing that can be done medically. I'm just tired of this.

[Zeegee]

I'm not sure how to close a thread or if I can, but I appreciate you all. Sadly, my anxiety is too much to deal with anymore. I am closing out most, if not all, of my online prescence. I'm not sure if I've even done anything actually wrong or broken any laws, but the fact of the matter is this bizarre panic has been going on for almost 24 hours now and it's unbearable. I can see in my family's eyes that I'm gonna end up in a mental hospital whether I want to or not. It is what it is. I wish I had found this site before going down this path, and I really do think you guys do good work here I just have something wrong inside me that's beyond self help and peer support.

 

I wish you all the best, and keep up the good work.

[Shep]

Taking an internet break sounds wise, Zeegee. No need to close this thread. Your information is here for you if you need it. 

[cleangrrl777]

Hey zeegee

 

My name is Angie and I am also a veteran who has experienced withdrawal. I'm wondering if you'd like to talk one on one? I have a lot of great resources for you to consider. I've been through a lot of what you've been through including the suicidal stuff. I had it SO BAD for a long time. But, I'm on the other side now and much better. My story is in my signature below if you go to my YouTube channel and watch the first video I ever posted. 

[Zeegee]

16 hours ago, cleangrrl777 said:

Hey zeegee

 

My name is Angie and I am also a veteran who has experienced withdrawal. I'm wondering if you'd like to talk one on one? I have a lot of great resources for you to consider. I've been through a lot of what you've been through including the suicidal stuff. I had it SO BAD for a long time. But, I'm on the other side now and much better. My story is in my signature below if you go to my YouTube channel and watch the first video I ever posted. 

 

Hi, thanks for reaching out. You can PM me here or if there is some other way you'd rather communicate I'm all for it. This experience has driven me right up to the edge of doing something stupid, so I'm just trying my best to hang on by sheer willpower alone. Sadly, that willpower doesn't always hold but for now I've got some in the tank. I appreciate you reaching out.

[Zeegee]

Well had a pretty normal / good few days. The system works lol. But now it's back to being bad, which sucks, but keep telling myself is part of the process. Feel intense shame, guilty, depression and anxiety. Running though my head any and all regrets I've had in life and makes it feel not worth living. Doesn't help that I seem to have caught a cold or the flu and have a migraine, and when I'm sick like this my mind normally goes kind of haywire as it is. Like fever dreams, weird thoughts and stuff. Generally, it's just like thinking a LOT about some random topic like one year it was WW1 rifles for some reason (???) or something like that. Now it's about when my wife told me it was her or the dog, so we rehomed a puppy, and tried to get it back but were not successful. We got a new puppy from her cousins and she is the best dog ever! We saw our old dog, by some random chance, at the dog park and she didn't even remember us and was happy and healthy so it was like a really good sense of closure and stuff. However, my wife did not feel that way and went off on a huge thing about it in the car at the time and I don't know. Things I was "over" or were just part of life are resurfacing in ways that have no basis in reality or no sense whatsoever. My mind starts playing scenarios in my head of me crying, freaking out, suicidal etc while I'm just laying here and it's upsetting and honestly annoying and frustrating. I know it'll pass but I wish it passed quicker.

[Zeegee]

Man today sucks lol, this wave has hit me hard. Low key suicidal and wracked with guilt about the dog we rehomed years ago. My wife pretty much forced me, but she at the last second gave me "the option" to keep it, but then also told me that "she would never have an emotional connection to the dog." Like I said, my dog I have now is perfect and I had "closure" for however upset I felt, in the grand scheme of life everything is fine. I was at peace with this, relatively at least. All of a sudden it is insurmountable. Same as every other "insurmountable" thing that causes me to fall into complete despair. So annoying. I will just keep trucking along and ignore it, and recognize that the feelings and thoughts do not match, they're just being paired up and felt super strong due to the wave that has hit me today.

[cleangrrl777]

Hi everyone- just wanted to let anyone reading this thread know that I've made contact with zeegee in private messages. I just didn't want anyone to think I disappeared. 

 

But, about your recent post zeegee... I believe what you are experiencing is what some around here call "neuro emotion." If you search in the group, you can find lots of posts about it. I even made this video about some of the intrusive thoughts and OCD-like things we can experience in both benzo and antidepressant withdrawal. It's horrible while we have it but doesn't last forever. 

 

[Zeegee]

On 9/25/2020 at 10:08 PM, cleangrrl777 said:

Hi everyone- just wanted to let anyone reading this thread know that I've made contact with zeegee in private messages. I just didn't want anyone to think I disappeared. 

 

But, about your recent post zeegee... I believe what you are experiencing is what some around here call "neuro emotion." If you search in the group, you can find lots of posts about it. I even made this video about some of the intrusive thoughts and OCD-like things we can experience in both benzo and antidepressant withdrawal. It's horrible while we have it but doesn't last forever. 

 

 

I wish I had seen this sooner! I just experienced something somewhat similar just now, and it was far more upsetting. I was watching Big Brother season 2 from 2001 on my Xbox. It was weird seeing how open and not caring people were on TV back then, compared to now where you have to be way more careful of what you say and do. For example, one guy was openly homophobic and saying it was "deviant and perverse behavior" which was wild to see in 2020. That being said, on the old Big Brother seasons I had read something ages ago about how they would just put uncensored clips on the DVDs and was curious if it was true. I figure it probably is, but it seems kinda messed up to me to put that on DVD to make sales. I made a Google search, and hit images and of course it wasn't at all what I was looking to get answered it was random porn and stuff. However, one image looked like a young girl and I instantly freaked out I "saw an illegal image". I searched the website on the picture to verify it was maybe just some random adult website, but instead of showing anything about that site (which is apparently not up anymore), instead there was a very, VERY creepy description on a website. So in a state of panic, I filed a report that hey these websites might be illegal and etc.

 

Normal me: wouldn't have assumed anything was wrong (after all, why would a website openly advertise something so vile and illegal to boot?) and went about my business.

 

Post-Zoloft me: convinced I'm going to get in trouble for something I didn't do and absolutely MUST follow whatever steps are necessary to ensure I am doing the right thing.

 

I talked to a friend who explained to me how none of what I was convinced happened made any sense in reality, and I feel like a complete idiot right now I guess. I'd been having a relatively good day but now I'm just laying in bed, 4am, still awake, feeling like a moron for getting so worked up about seeing internet porn by accident. Lesson learned: put on SafeSearch and next time just look for the DVD description on Amazon instead.

 

Other than this episode, I have mostly been okay. Eating healthy, no freakouts aside from that, and negativity has been at an all time minimum since I came off Zoloft. I even took my dog to the park the other day (forgot if I mentioned that) which was huge for me. I need to find some physical stuff to do that doesn't cause me too much pain or misery with my disabilities, but I'm just gonna keep moving along.

[Zeegee]

Another short freak out. Exactly like cleangrrl777 said in her video, that intense feeling of fear and the adrenaline but no real basis in reality. This time, I was convinced I had some sort of illegal files on my PC or HDDs or old laptop even though, as I've scoured them before, I don't. There's nothing there. I've gone through everything super in-depth and not only is there nothing there, there was never anything to begin with. It's like legitimately insane how my mind gets worked up that I'm a bad person or have done something wrong, even though I KNOW I haven't. It's like I'm "investigating" myself for wrongdoing but it's... Me. So I would know if I did something wrong or not. Really very confusing and exhausting. Not sure why I can't seem to just get myself to relax again. I had a good day up until this episode and the one prior in my last post. Gonna shut my eyes and hope as hard as I can I wake up and feel okay.

[Zeegee]

Just woke up, I have this intense feeling of anxiety right off the bat. Like something is wrong, I don't know what, and I gotta "get out of here." Feeling like vomit in my throat, metal taste in my mouth, complete exhaustion, and just so out of place. 

 

I've been keeping track of the days and this seems to be a pattern. It goes like:

 

Wednesday: Fine (therapy day). I have a theory in always fine because I want to convince myself and my therapist I'm doing fine, but either way I usually feel okay on Wednesdays 

 

Thursday: Feeling fine carries over, usually a good day

 

Friday: Feelings of anxiety / guilt / shame start to crop up but are manageable. I feel fine overall and handle things (feel super positive about handling things).

 

Saturday: Things begin to go off the rails usually Saturday night no matter what. Anxiety hits BAD and I panic.

 

Sunday: Panic / Anxiety continues, super on alert and uncomfortable. Paranoia, shame, regret, guilt, anything that can make me feel like **** DOES make me feel like ****.

 

Monday: Continues from Sunday but doesn't get worse, either just as strong or starts to lessen a bit.

 

Tuesday: Lessens considerably and I just feel depressed yet somewhat hopeful that maybe it'll be okay now and I can start making positive progress.

 

Then it resets. This week has gone EXACTLY like that so far, and I'm pretty sure last week as well. Today I just feel humiliated and like a complete and utter burden on my Dad and family, even though they say I'm not. I have no positive feelings only a tumbling pit in my stomach, exhaustion, and that feeling like you're on the verge of tears. Oh and exhaustion even though I slept quite a bit. Here's hoping I can turn today around.

[Zeegee]

I can confidently say today was my first REALLY good and normal day since I started the Zoloft and came off of it. All the doubt I had with the guides I read on this site and others post, I'm trying to cement on my mind what kind of day I had today. It wasn't perfect but it was sooo much better than the last few weeks or even days have been it's unreal. I didn't feel ANY anxiety at all, even low levels of it, for most of my day which was insane (in a good way)! I can still taste the metal in my mouth and I still have some anxiety and side effects messing with me, but nothing like it has been. Even my friends and stuff say I am doing way better and more like my old self.

 

So, first positive update in a while haha! Hoping my next one(s) are too. If anyone has been following my journey and seen how unstable I was and negative, the real solution is honestly time. It WILL get better. I will probably have days in the future I feel all messed up again, but it seems to be happening less and less. You can see in this thread I've argued with people and wanted to just kill myself or quit somehow but I didn't and I am so thankful for it.

 

Not out of the woods yet but a huge step in the right direction!

 

 

 

[Shep]

6 hours ago, Zeegee said:

I can confidently say today was my first REALLY good and normal day since I started the Zoloft and came off of it.

 

Excellent update, Zeegee! You may want to bookmark this post so you can come back and read it should you have another wave. I hope this window continues for you. 

[Zeegee]

Hi all, 

 

I had been meaning to update this but things took a bit of a turn. So for starters, I'm not sure what day exactly but semi-recently I legitimately woke up and felt pretty much back to normal. It was insane how night and day it was, anxiety completely gone or very low levels and manageable, not depressed, life felt "real" again. So 100% everything posted here was right: time and time alone will help, and life will get better. Now for the bad news. I went in for a surgical examination yesterday, I was supposed to go under anesthesia and be examined and then when I woke up we'd discuss options. For some reason, they did surgery on me without my knowledge or consent. I am pissed. I have a drainage tube I have to empty similar to a colostomy bag, I can barely walk and I can't sit down at all. I called to get information on how to properly change my bandages and no one will talk to me. The nurse screamed at me (literally screamed) and then told me to just use 2 mirrors to bandage myself. I told her I didn't have 2 mirrors, and the doorbell rang. She said "maybe the person at the door has a mirror you can use." Unreal. So I am feeling a bit angry/depressed about this because I was finally starting to feel better, but man this has taken me down a peg or two. Not really antidepressant related I guess, but yeah. So far I haven't spiraled downward to wanting to kill myself or anything crazy, but there are shades of it I have been able to manage and deal with; and have no issues there.

 

So yeah blah blah blah, kind of a good update kind of not. If my mental state stays stable I'll probably make a success post!

[Zeegee]

Another not so great update. My surgical woes for way, way worse and I had to be admitted into the hospital. I spent about 4 days in there and was on quite a few painkillers. I don't know if it was the build up of painkillers, the anesthesia, or the isolation, or what but it got to me. I started having bad anxiety again and OCD like thought loops and etc. It was pretty rough but I got through it. My physical issues are, for lack of a better term, disastrous. I can barely move or do anything and I am now in the worst shape of my life medically. I have not had any painkillers for a few days now because I want to be off them entirely (pain hasn't been severe enough to warrant them just yet, and I want to save them in case it gets worse). I've gotten really melancholy and even felt the return of some suicidal thoughts. Nothing concrete or real, just the concept of my life is wasted, etc. Dwelling on negatives, being miserable, and just feeling "off." Nightmares almost every night, guilt, shame, the whole 9. Also, I had an appointment with my psych before this and she was the most completely useless person I've ever met. She said that since I came off Zoloft she has it in her notes that I was 100% fine and good to go even though I was literally having the worst mental breakdown of my entire life. Then when I explained this to her she went "okay, want to see me again in 3 months?" I can't imagine her poor patients that are so down they might actually hurt themselves. She's a complete idiot with no understanding and was more concerned with us having a video call than anything else, since my phone overheats if I do that.

 

So in short, not a very nice update I guess. I'm personally thinking it is no small part due to the medications effecting my dopamine output or whatever it is, and making me kind of feel loopy and stuff so I'm hoping I get my bearings again when I am off them for more than a day or two. Looking forward to making a success post someday but it seems like it's just not time yet

[ChessieCat]

Just experiencing pain and/or feeling unwell can bring on the negative feelings en masse.  I've experienced this myself as my back injury was healing I would have a good day/s and then bam, as soon as there was the tiniest bit of discomfort I would feel utterly hopeless about everything in my life and about life itself, the why bother, is it worth it type of stuff.  It was just as if someone had flicked a switch.  And as soon as I felt a bit better the positivity would start to return but interestingly it happens gradually, as if someone is turning up the dimmer on a light switch.

[Zeegee]

11 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Just experiencing pain and/or feeling unwell can bring on the negative feelings en masse.  I've experienced this myself as my back injury was healing I would have a good day/s and then bam, as soon as there was the tiniest bit of discomfort I would feel utterly hopeless about everything in my life and about life itself, the why bother, is it worth it type of stuff.  It was just as if someone had flicked a switch.  And as soon as I felt a bit better the positivity would start to return but interestingly it happens gradually, as if someone is turning up the dimmer on a light switch.

 

Yeah I am sort of chilling myself out and just trying to maintain my composure and everything, but I have a lump in my throat and a deep sense of dread that I can only describe I guess as what depression feels like. I have a strong, strong suspicion it is a mild form of opiate withdrawal. I was managing them fine on my own prior to the unexpected surgery and hospital admission, but when I was in the hospital it was all over the place. Coupled with the just deeply disappointing feelings of the fact that there's no way I can work any longer, or do anything comfortably (can't even sit down or sleep on my back anymore, at least for now) it just sucks. I also have been EXTREMELY nauseous and have my mouth constantly salivating like right before you puke, it sucks lol. I was hoping to take my dog to the park and stuff but I can barely move so it's yet another one of those things where I just feel really limited, stuck in my house, and not "free." It will pass, and I am going to shoot for 0 painkillers today as I had to take 1 yesterday for pain. If I can get through a couple days without them at all I am sure I will feel much, much more like myself.

[Zeegee]

Well I am back with a less than stellar update. I have continued to hold off on my "success" update for a while because I had a suspicion this wasn't over lol. For the past month or so I have felt pretty fantastic to say the least. Despite my stressors in live (physical medical issues, relationship stuff, etc) I have felt good. Then, suddenly, around 11/14 or 11/15 I crashed hard. Full on suicidal feeling, depression, shame, guilt, etc. Constantly searching for things that I might have done wrong, or things to feel guilty/shameful about. Gotten worse and worse each day since then. I have a strong suspicion this is because on the 13th and 14th I had to take painkillers for physical pain and I think that I am going through withdrawals. I guess I didn't realize that they would cause such an issue because I only took 1 each day, and I hadn't really had issues before. Yet here I am, losing my mind. I feel I am on the verge of tears 24/7 for no reason, randomly anxious/panic attacks. I'll be cold, and then super hot, then super cold even though the temperature hasn't changed. All of these are classic symptoms of withdrawal and similar to what I've felt coming out of the hospital in the past when I was being given opiates via IV and stuff every 4 hours or so. The good news is my mind seems 100% but it's my body/physical feelings of emotions and stuff that are causing the issues. It's really nuts but I am trying my best to get through it. I hope to never have to take any painkillers or anything again soon; but I might have to when I have another surgery (or surgeries) which sucks. I can usually get off of them pretty quickly and fine but for some reason lately it's become a problem. I'd call this stuff close to Zoloft feelings but not nearly as strong.

 

So yeah long story short, not a good update but still trying to move toward a success post someday. Hope everyone here is doing well.

[ChessieCat]

18 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I have a strong suspicion this is because on the 13th and 14th I had to take painkillers for physical pain and I think that I am going through withdrawals.

 

11 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I can usually get off of them pretty quickly and fine but for some reason lately it's become a problem.

 

I doubt that it would be withdrawals from only two days of painkillers.  It's only been ~3 months since the Zoloft issue.

 

The adverse reaction to Zoloft has sensitised your nervous system.  We have some members who have difficulty tolerating the most basic supplements.

 

There is a lot of positive in your post.  You are just going through a bit of a set back.  And even though it is difficult, hopefully the fact that you have felt better before will help you to keep reminding yourself that what you are going through is temporary.  Yes, I know it's tough.  I've had my own set back with a flare up of my back injury so I do understand how frustrating it is and how it messes with you.  You have a much better understanding than you did when you first arrived at SA.

 

Thank you for updating us.

 

BTW Altostrata, SA's founder, did an interview recently.  The link is in my drug signature.  It is worth listening to.

[Zeegee]

21 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

 

I doubt that it would be withdrawals from only two days of painkillers.  It's only been ~3 months since the Zoloft issue.

 

The adverse reaction to Zoloft has sensitised your nervous system.  We have some members who have difficulty tolerating the most basic supplements.

 

There is a lot of positive in your post.  You are just going through a bit of a set back.  And even though it is difficult, hopefully the fact that you have felt better before will help you to keep reminding yourself that what you are going through is temporary.  Yes, I know it's tough.  I've had my own set back with a flare up of my back injury so I do understand how frustrating it is and how it messes with you.  You have a much better understanding than you did when you first arrived at SA.

 

Thank you for updating us.

 

BTW Altostrata, SA's founder, did an interview recently.  The link is in my drug signature.  It is worth listening to.

 

Interesting, I had assumed by now the Zoloft was 100% out of my system and I was fine. I guess wishful thinking I guess. The reason I mention the opiates and withdrawals is that when I was in the hospital semi-recently (last month) from my awful hell surgery, I was on opiates constantly and have been on them off and on for pretty much years now. The last year or so now have been the most I've been on and off them in a long time and I think that coupled with the damage the Zoloft did, that like you said I am mad sensitive to them. That being said, I am currently shivering and feeling suicidal about something that makes no sense (my mind is trying to convince me I somehow committed fraud purchasing our house even though I didn't at all, and it makes no sense and has no basis in reality), and just in general freaking out. I am mentally 100% present and fine but it's like my chest, gut, and physical sensations are all anxiety/stress and etc. It's really bizarre because I have been totally fine for almost month now like I said. I appreciate the quick reply though, and I will listen to the interview. I also appreciate the kind and positive words as I do think I have a way better understanding and handle on everything than I did before.

[ChessieCat]

16 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

Interesting, I had assumed by now the Zoloft was 100% out of my system and I was fine

 

It's got nothing to do with the drug being out of your system.  The brain and nervous system is still trying to get back to normal.

 

17 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

That being said, I am currently shivering and feeling suicidal about something that makes no sense

 

I can start to feel suicidal over small and stupid things too.  I won't list them here (because it's a bit embarrassing) but I can tell you that if I told most people they would probably laugh and say just do this or just do that.  One of the things (but it's only one of a quite a few) that can set me off at the moment is that I need to get my teeth cleaned because I have plague build up.  And I'm not scared of the dentist at all.  Just the effort of making the decision to get it done and arranging the appointment is too much for me at the moment.  Even just reading back through that and thinking about the other things makes me feel teary.

 

I'm telling you this to try to help you to understand that other people also go through some of what you are going through.  The thing is that we don't generally tell others about it.  When someone says "how are you" most people answer "fine".  On the internet everyone puts their best foot forward.  Most people don't post pictures of themselves at their worst.

 

25 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

It's really bizarre because I have been totally fine for almost month now like I said.

 

It doesn't have to be big things that cause the issues.  Several small things can add up and tip the balance.  We don't always remember the little things.  I can remember doing a timeline after I started seeing a counsellor because I was trying to get things in order.  After I had finished it I looked at it and said to myself it's no wonder you are feeling depressed.  I had experienced quite significant life stressors over a 15 year period and it had finally caught up with me.

 

Perhaps write a note to yourself about when you felt better and put it somewhere to remind yourself.

 

And even though you are going through a tough spot at the moment, there is a different vibe to these posts compared to before.

[Zeegee]

I guess I didn't understand it as well as I thought I did, but this makes a lot more sense now and makes sense of a lot of things that I have been experiencing but confused about. I will try writing that note, and I will keep in mind about the fact that it's not about the drug being in or out of my system, but the lasting effect on it. I think I have been conceptualizing the problems it caused all wrong, and it has led to a lot of what is confusing and upsetting to me when it doesn't "make sense."

 

Anyway, I appreciate the informative words yet again. That's one of the reasons I come back here whenever I'm feeling out of it lately because it seems I always leave with a better understanding. I also went back and read some of my posts and can honestly tell you that even when I feel suicidal/messed up or down, it's no where near how bad it was when I was ON the medication or just recently had come off of it. As bad as this is, it's still leagues ahead of how I was. I will keep trying to stay positive and not let things get me down!

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[ChessieCat]

15 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

it's no where near how bad it was when I was ON the medication or just recently had come off of it. As bad as this is, it's still leagues ahead of how I was.

 

That's great!!!

 

15 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

I will keep trying to stay positive and not let things get me down!

 

Everybody gets down about things.  But it's about understanding that it isn't a permanent state and to give yourself some TLC and to do your best to get out of that state of down-ness.

 

Have you seen these?  

 

Cat giving mental health advice

[Zeegee]

On 11/21/2020 at 1:16 AM, ChessieCat said:

 

That's great!!!

 

 

Everybody gets down about things.  But it's about understanding that it isn't a permanent state and to give yourself some TLC and to do your best to get out of that state of down-ness.

 

Have you seen these?  

 

Cat giving mental health advice

 

That comic made me laugh. I needed that, so thank you. I came on just to post that my anxiety and stuff is back to the point it was at when I was first coming off Zoloft which sucks. I'll remember a memory that makes me uncomfortable, or I'll get set off by something I see or read and just pure anxiety. It sucks how much this derailed my life, and I know someday it'll get better but if I'm being completely honest I just don't know how much more patience I have left. It's not a matter of even perseverance at this point. The last 2-3 years if my life have been so damaging and scarring, specifically the last 6 months or so. After the surgery I got done (with no prior knowledge or consent) in October and becoming more housebound than ever, I just have a lot of time to think if it's worth it anymore or not. 

 

Mental issues aside, I have no more agency in my life and can not drive anymore or go for walks. I can most likely never live on my own again and my marriage is still at a complete stand still. I can no longer work, even from home. I'm about to turn 27 with only pain and misery. I think of my contribution to the world and while some consider my service in the military a positive, others are much harder on me. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like I just can't catch a break at all. I used to handle this stuff in stride but the day I started taking Zoloft I just lost it. To this day, only this website and community understands me. Everyone else acts like I'm an idiot and these meds are the ONLY way to get help. I just want to feel stable again like I did my whole life up until recently.

[Zeegee]

Narrowly avoided suicide today. Not a good day. Home now but not sure I'll make it much longer. Had to really fight to go home. Next time I don't think I'll be able to.

[Daisygirlsk]

On 9/20/2020 at 5:59 PM, Zeegee said:

On the verge of packing a back and leaving. Had a meltdown today, convinced I committed a crime by accident and had 2 lawyers tell me I'm fine and I didn't lol. Doesn't matter. Still feel like I need to "turn myself in" or "self report" and go to jail, be labeled as something I'm not, etc. It's like an unending urge to destroy myself inside. My family truly doesn't understand, and theres nothing that can be done medically. I'm just tired of this.

You have a lot of OCD symptoms. I am the same

[Zeegee]

5 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

You have a lot of OCD symptoms. I am the same

 

That's what I suspect too. Normally it's not big deal but when I was coming off the Zoloft, it was like hell on earth. Had some really normal/good times but as of about Saturday last week I think, I have gone completely off the reservation again. It took everything I had to come home today and not jump in front of traffic. I hope I can find some way to manage this while I wait it out.

[Daisygirlsk]

8 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

 

That's what I suspect too. Normally it's not big deal but when I was coming off the Zoloft, it was like hell on earth. Had some really normal/good times but as of about Saturday last week I think, I have gone completely off the reservation again. It took everything I had to come home today and not jump in front of traffic. I hope I can find some way to manage this while I wait it out.

I am in the exact same boat you are not alone 

[Zeegee]

1 minute ago, Daisygirlsk said:

I am in the exact same boat you are not alone 

I wish you the best in weathering this storm as well. I would have liked to have some suggestions but I'm still in the dark so far, but this website has been a huge help in understanding what's going on and not thinking I'm just completely broken 100%.

[Shep]

7 hours ago, Zeegee said:

It took everything I had to come home today and not jump in front of traffic. I hope I can find some way to manage this while I wait it out.

 

You may want to check out mindfulness and find some techniques to use, such as viewing these intrusive thoughts as annoying neighbors with a loud TV and nothing to do with you. Or the technique of viewing your thoughts as clouds passing by in the sky.

 

One of my favorite mindfulness gurus Mooji says, "Your thoughts are like visitors and you are NOT a hotel! Don't invite them in." 

 

Easier said then done, but in time and with practice, these techniques become automatic. For more, please see:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

One of the best ways I found to get through the intrusive and sometimes suicidal thoughts was to listen to a lot of mindfulness meditations until those words became my intrusive thoughts. 

 

Just some thoughts, Zeegee. Once you view these thoughts as something you don't need to pay attention to and the result of psychiatric drug poisoning, the easier it is to get through the day.

 

Only take to heart the kind words in your head. Everything else is nothing more than noise pollution and not worth paying attention to. 

 

 

[Zeegee]

Trigger warning

 

Thank you for the reply. Mindfulness has been one of the most difficult things for me, because I just don't buy into it (as much as I want to). I understand objectively that it works and what not, but for some reason I just can't "accept" that it'll work for me (even though it would, and in the past it has). That being said, I will give it a shot again and mention it to my therapist who I thankfully see tomorrow.

 

In less positive news, my anxiety and depression has gotten even worse than yesterday, and I feel like if I had a gun or something I would have killed myself by now. The only thing keeping me going is simply laziness. I saw an ad / "recommended" video for an adult video and the user looked underage. They were listed as 28 years old, and there's no indication they're underage, but I reported it anyway. The reason I mention this is because for some reason I have this innate fear that I am going to see something illegal on the internet that has nothing to do with me or what I am looking for. This is one of those cases, and even though my fear is irrational, I still am on the verge of freaking the hell out as usual. Earlier today I cried for the first time in I don't know how long, after my in-home nurse service came to handle some of my physical issues. I had to take a painkiller (my last one currently), and I almost hate to say it helped me feel better. I felt almost "normal" for an hour or two, and then back to feeling anxious and depressed as hell. I do not think I am dependent on the medicine since I only take it very sparingly (sometimes going months without taking one), but it sucks that I can't just feel that sense of normalcy naturally right now. I wish I could have gone to a group living center that I was told I fit the bill for, but with my physical issues they can't accommodate me. I fear that although getting through this is simply a matter of time and waiting out the shock to my CNS and everything, that I am running out of time because I'm not sure I can in all honesty keep living like this. I am at the point now where even watching TV makes me want to hurt or kill myself. If I see someone happy, or enjoying something, or ANYTHING positive in nature; I default to suicidal ideation. My insomnia gets worse and worse each passing day, and has made it impossible for me to function pretty much at all. 

 

I know that was a bit rambling but I honestly just needed to type it out to relax. Long story short, further deterioration. Worried I am running out of time with myself because I am at the point where I would possibly do something to end my life if the right circumstances of anxiety and depression mixed at the right time. Alternative for help is not viable due to physical medical issues that keep me house or hospital bound. Insomnia completely untenable and I am starting to not eat much if at all. I hope that this wave passes soon because I can not take it much longer if I am being completely honest. Going to spend some time tonight reading more of the resources on the website and hope it puts things into a better perspective for me and helps me to hang on.

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by ChessieCat
removed quote / added trigger warning

[Shep]

 

6 hours ago, Zeegee said:

Alternative for help is not viable due to physical medical issues that keep me house or hospital bound.

 

Zeegee, as an online forum, we are limited in being able to help those in crisis, so we urge you to seek support on-the-ground. Due to the pandemic, most of this is available on the internet right now. 

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

Mad in America Provider Directory for Ohio

 

You may find some help for the physical symptoms here:

 

Non-drug techniques for dealing with body pain

 

You may also want to PM cleangrrl777, who earlier in your thread, introduced herself as a veteran who works with other veterans coming off these drugs. These are things you can do instead of continuing to spiral down into catastrophic thinking.

 

Please also re-read your thread, as moderators and members have left links to non-drug ways of coping through this difficult time. You'll also notice you had some windows. Windows will come again.