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Zeegee: introduction

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Shep

Zeegee, why is living in your car inevitable? Sounds like you did a very good thing getting your dad to the ER.

 

Yes, please go through the links here. I think you'll find them a very healthy distraction that will give your monkey-mind something to attach to that won't cause more pain. 


Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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Zeegee
2 minutes ago, Shep said:

Zeegee, why is living in your car inevitable? Sounds like you did a very good thing getting your dad to the ER.

 

Yes, please go through the links here. I think you'll find them a very healthy distraction that will give your monkey-mind something to attach to that won't cause more pain. 

 

This entire period of my life has been hell on my family and anyone who cares about me. I'm like a completely unstable mess, and I don't really see a point to sharing this misery with everyone. That's why I wanted my own place so much, because it hurts everyone to see me struggling so much. Since I can't afford my own place, and it will somehow seem to "satisfy" whatever need I feel to "punish" myself or be "free" or whatever, living in my car seems like it'll be an eventuality. 

 

I woke up today with a terrible, awful migraine. Still going on. Might be related to the jaw clenching which is really bad today for some reason. Anxiety and suicidal ideation and depression keeps hitting my chest like a truck. I'll be sitting here feeling relatively stable (low levels of constant anxiety, etc.) then suddenly without warning BAM anxiety and wanting to kill myself or feeling like my death is inevitable and soon, all that jazz. Then just like that... it fades for a few minutes. Every 5-10 minutes at random intervals it hits me and then lasts about 3 minutes or so and fades. This is definitely a new experience dealing with it because it's never been so volatile like this. I mean legitimately I've gone through 2-3 of these in the time I've typed this post. I feel like I am in a trance as well, not fully here or awake or even alive. I'm just in a state of complete confusion and uncomfortable as hell.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Shep
22 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

Might be related to the jaw clenching which is really bad today for some reason.

 

These drugs are notorious for causing this symptom. Do you have a nightguard to wear at night? You can get one special made by a dentist or buy one at most drug stores. It really helps with this symptom. May save you some wear and tear on your teeth. 

 

24 minutes ago, Zeegee said:

That's why I wanted my own place so much, because it hurts everyone to see me struggling so much.

 

It may help to check out some of the Relationship threads, especially this one:

 

Helping family understand

 

Zeegee, the fact that you researched these drugs and connected the drug to your problems so quickly means you really do have it together. Don't let your symptoms tell you otherwise. This will pass. 


Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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Zeegee
Just now, Shep said:

 

These drugs are notorious for causing this symptom. Do you have a nightguard to wear at night? You can get one special made by a dentist or buy one at most drug stores. It really helps with this symptom. May save you some wear and tear on your teeth. 

 

 

It may help to check out some of the Relationship threads, especially this one:

 

Helping family understand

 

Zeegee, the fact that you researched these drugs and connected the drug to your problems so quickly means you really do have it together. Don't let your symptoms tell you otherwise. This will pass. 

 

Yeah I have been thinking about getting one at CVS or something (no dental insurance anymore sadly). And I'll read that article, thanks. It's just living in such close quarters and going through such a tremendous amount of stress with regards to his breakdown, my marriage issues + immigration, no job, etc. has been disheartening. I feel on the verge of tears at all times yet can't cry, I find myself finding new and unusual ways and things to "feel bad" about. I could literally get up, and go to the park even for a little bit (an activity I love) but the idea of doing anything happy or rewarding makes me legitimately want to hurt and/or kill myself in a very violent and intense way. It's SOOOOO odd and makes no logical sense! And when I challenge it, it gets worse. 


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Zeegee

On the verge of packing a back and leaving. Had a meltdown today, convinced I committed a crime by accident and had 2 lawyers tell me I'm fine and I didn't lol. Doesn't matter. Still feel like I need to "turn myself in" or "self report" and go to jail, be labeled as something I'm not, etc. It's like an unending urge to destroy myself inside. My family truly doesn't understand, and theres nothing that can be done medically. I'm just tired of this.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Zeegee

I'm not sure how to close a thread or if I can, but I appreciate you all. Sadly, my anxiety is too much to deal with anymore. I am closing out most, if not all, of my online prescence. I'm not sure if I've even done anything actually wrong or broken any laws, but the fact of the matter is this bizarre panic has been going on for almost 24 hours now and it's unbearable. I can see in my family's eyes that I'm gonna end up in a mental hospital whether I want to or not. It is what it is. I wish I had found this site before going down this path, and I really do think you guys do good work here I just have something wrong inside me that's beyond self help and peer support.

 

I wish you all the best, and keep up the good work.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Shep

Taking an internet break sounds wise, Zeegee. No need to close this thread. Your information is here for you if you need it. 


Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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cleangrrl777

Hey zeegee

 

My name is Angie and I am also a veteran who has experienced withdrawal. I'm wondering if you'd like to talk one on one? I have a lot of great resources for you to consider. I've been through a lot of what you've been through including the suicidal stuff. I had it SO BAD for a long time. But, I'm on the other side now and much better. My story is in my signature below if you go to my YouTube channel and watch the first video I ever posted. 


Was given over 40 psychiatric drugs in a 13-year period after service in Iraq in the US Army. Last four drugs to taper were Effexor, Cymbalta, Clonazepam and Lorazepam. I was taken off Lorazepam abruptly after developing akathisia in January 2016. Off everything since and live with protracted injury and medical trauma from my years as a mental patient. Currently in the film "Medicating Normal" and advocate internationally on these issues. My journey is documented on my YouTube channel "Healingfrom Benzos."

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Zeegee
16 hours ago, cleangrrl777 said:

Hey zeegee

 

My name is Angie and I am also a veteran who has experienced withdrawal. I'm wondering if you'd like to talk one on one? I have a lot of great resources for you to consider. I've been through a lot of what you've been through including the suicidal stuff. I had it SO BAD for a long time. But, I'm on the other side now and much better. My story is in my signature below if you go to my YouTube channel and watch the first video I ever posted. 

 

Hi, thanks for reaching out. You can PM me here or if there is some other way you'd rather communicate I'm all for it. This experience has driven me right up to the edge of doing something stupid, so I'm just trying my best to hang on by sheer willpower alone. Sadly, that willpower doesn't always hold but for now I've got some in the tank. I appreciate you reaching out.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Zeegee

Well had a pretty normal / good few days. The system works lol. But now it's back to being bad, which sucks, but keep telling myself is part of the process. Feel intense shame, guilty, depression and anxiety. Running though my head any and all regrets I've had in life and makes it feel not worth living. Doesn't help that I seem to have caught a cold or the flu and have a migraine, and when I'm sick like this my mind normally goes kind of haywire as it is. Like fever dreams, weird thoughts and stuff. Generally, it's just like thinking a LOT about some random topic like one year it was WW1 rifles for some reason (???) or something like that. Now it's about when my wife told me it was her or the dog, so we rehomed a puppy, and tried to get it back but were not successful. We got a new puppy from her cousins and she is the best dog ever! We saw our old dog, by some random chance, at the dog park and she didn't even remember us and was happy and healthy so it was like a really good sense of closure and stuff. However, my wife did not feel that way and went off on a huge thing about it in the car at the time and I don't know. Things I was "over" or were just part of life are resurfacing in ways that have no basis in reality or no sense whatsoever. My mind starts playing scenarios in my head of me crying, freaking out, suicidal etc while I'm just laying here and it's upsetting and honestly annoying and frustrating. I know it'll pass but I wish it passed quicker.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

Share this post


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Zeegee

Man today sucks lol, this wave has hit me hard. Low key suicidal and wracked with guilt about the dog we rehomed years ago. My wife pretty much forced me, but she at the last second gave me "the option" to keep it, but then also told me that "she would never have an emotional connection to the dog." Like I said, my dog I have now is perfect and I had "closure" for however upset I felt, in the grand scheme of life everything is fine. I was at peace with this, relatively at least. All of a sudden it is insurmountable. Same as every other "insurmountable" thing that causes me to fall into complete despair. So annoying. I will just keep trucking along and ignore it, and recognize that the feelings and thoughts do not match, they're just being paired up and felt super strong due to the wave that has hit me today.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

Share this post


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cleangrrl777

Hi everyone- just wanted to let anyone reading this thread know that I've made contact with zeegee in private messages. I just didn't want anyone to think I disappeared. 

 

But, about your recent post zeegee... I believe what you are experiencing is what some around here call "neuro emotion." If you search in the group, you can find lots of posts about it. I even made this video about some of the intrusive thoughts and OCD-like things we can experience in both benzo and antidepressant withdrawal. It's horrible while we have it but doesn't last forever. 

 


Was given over 40 psychiatric drugs in a 13-year period after service in Iraq in the US Army. Last four drugs to taper were Effexor, Cymbalta, Clonazepam and Lorazepam. I was taken off Lorazepam abruptly after developing akathisia in January 2016. Off everything since and live with protracted injury and medical trauma from my years as a mental patient. Currently in the film "Medicating Normal" and advocate internationally on these issues. My journey is documented on my YouTube channel "Healingfrom Benzos."

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Zeegee
On 9/25/2020 at 10:08 PM, cleangrrl777 said:

Hi everyone- just wanted to let anyone reading this thread know that I've made contact with zeegee in private messages. I just didn't want anyone to think I disappeared. 

 

But, about your recent post zeegee... I believe what you are experiencing is what some around here call "neuro emotion." If you search in the group, you can find lots of posts about it. I even made this video about some of the intrusive thoughts and OCD-like things we can experience in both benzo and antidepressant withdrawal. It's horrible while we have it but doesn't last forever. 

 

 

I wish I had seen this sooner! I just experienced something somewhat similar just now, and it was far more upsetting. I was watching Big Brother season 2 from 2001 on my Xbox. It was weird seeing how open and not caring people were on TV back then, compared to now where you have to be way more careful of what you say and do. For example, one guy was openly homophobic and saying it was "deviant and perverse behavior" which was wild to see in 2020. That being said, on the old Big Brother seasons I had read something ages ago about how they would just put uncensored clips on the DVDs and was curious if it was true. I figure it probably is, but it seems kinda messed up to me to put that on DVD to make sales. I made a Google search, and hit images and of course it wasn't at all what I was looking to get answered it was random porn and stuff. However, one image looked like a young girl and I instantly freaked out I "saw an illegal image". I searched the website on the picture to verify it was maybe just some random adult website, but instead of showing anything about that site (which is apparently not up anymore), instead there was a very, VERY creepy description on a website. So in a state of panic, I filed a report that hey these websites might be illegal and etc.

 

Normal me: wouldn't have assumed anything was wrong (after all, why would a website openly advertise something so vile and illegal to boot?) and went about my business.

 

Post-Zoloft me: convinced I'm going to get in trouble for something I didn't do and absolutely MUST follow whatever steps are necessary to ensure I am doing the right thing.

 

I talked to a friend who explained to me how none of what I was convinced happened made any sense in reality, and I feel like a complete idiot right now I guess. I'd been having a relatively good day but now I'm just laying in bed, 4am, still awake, feeling like a moron for getting so worked up about seeing internet porn by accident. Lesson learned: put on SafeSearch and next time just look for the DVD description on Amazon instead.

 

Other than this episode, I have mostly been okay. Eating healthy, no freakouts aside from that, and negativity has been at an all time minimum since I came off Zoloft. I even took my dog to the park the other day (forgot if I mentioned that) which was huge for me. I need to find some physical stuff to do that doesn't cause me too much pain or misery with my disabilities, but I'm just gonna keep moving along.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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Zeegee

Another short freak out. Exactly like cleangrrl777 said in her video, that intense feeling of fear and the adrenaline but no real basis in reality. This time, I was convinced I had some sort of illegal files on my PC or HDDs or old laptop even though, as I've scoured them before, I don't. There's nothing there. I've gone through everything super in-depth and not only is there nothing there, there was never anything to begin with. It's like legitimately insane how my mind gets worked up that I'm a bad person or have done something wrong, even though I KNOW I haven't. It's like I'm "investigating" myself for wrongdoing but it's... Me. So I would know if I did something wrong or not. Really very confusing and exhausting. Not sure why I can't seem to just get myself to relax again. I had a good day up until this episode and the one prior in my last post. Gonna shut my eyes and hope as hard as I can I wake up and feel okay.


5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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