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Zeegee: introduction


Zeegee

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Zeegee, you know you have ups and downs, your nervous system is probably sensitized to drugs, the painkillers keep stirring it up, and you have a habit of beating yourself up over nothing.

 

You've been in the dumps for about 2 weeks. You need to phone up your doctors and have a good talk about what they expect for your healing process. Why did they do emergency surgery? Don't let them dodge you or be rude to you. If you don't get a reasonable answer from one, ask to speak to their supervisor. Keep going up the chain until you can get someone to pay attention to your case.

 

Use the painkillers sparingly and stop feeling guilty about them. It could be that a lower dosage will work for you without the comedown afterward.

 

On 11/20/2020 at 4:47 PM, Zeegee said:

For the past month or so I have felt pretty fantastic to say the least. Despite my stressors in live (physical medical issues, relationship stuff, etc) I have felt good. Then, suddenly, around 11/14 or 11/15 I crashed hard.

 

Here's your homework: First, along with noting your bad days, note your good days on a monthly calendar. Put a big star on the good days. Be aware there will never be enough good days for you, but the stars will remind you that you do have them. Also take photos on good days of things that delight you, such as your dog. Looking at these will also help when you are down.

 

Second: You're recovering from illness, you cannot perform as you would like. Forgive yourself every day, as many times a day as necessary. Everybody has made mistakes in  their past. Let go of them.

 

Third: Take up Mindfulness Lite. When bad thoughts visit, keep reminding yourself what Mooji says:

On 11/24/2020 at 4:34 AM, Shep said:

One of my favorite mindfulness gurus Mooji says, "Your thoughts are like visitors and you are NOT a hotel! Don't invite them in." 

 

Breathe through the bad patches.

 

Fourth: The bad news is you're only 27. The good news is you're only 27. While the future doesn't look good now, most likely, you will feel a lot better again, you will go on walks with your dog, you will get on with your life. While you've experienced some early disaster, there are a lot of adventures ahead of you. You'll probably look back at this period as the hardest thing you've ever done. This is hard, but you can do this.

 

Fifth: Mindfulness tells us to to "be present". This means stop worrying about the future and stop punishing yourself for the past. Be here now, take care of yourself 10 minutes at a time, or 1 minute at a time when the pain gets bad. Ease your mind while you're letting your body get on with the slow work of healing.

 

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Thank you all for the kind words, and I completely understand why it was extremely not kosher what I was posting about last night. I'm not sure what came over me, I was clearly having a meltdown. Not making excuses just acknowledging that I understand there is a time and a place for those types of thoughts being verbalized and this website is neither. I just want to once again thank everyone for not only being patient with me during my spirals, but also for each time re-explaining to me the processes through which I can help myself and try new things and the positive words and thoughts that go along with it. I think that for now, while I recognize I am in a really, really bad place; I will refrain from posting at all and instead solely use the website as a resource for reading and understanding. When I feel a need to ramble/post, I will instead start an offline journal to record these thoughts as a way of getting them out.

 

Believe it or not, I am in a much better headspace from reading what you guys have said. I know I seem to flip flop pretty extremely between okay and not okay, but I can honestly say that after taking the time to read and absorb what is being presented to me, it did have a positive effect on my mindset. So yeah, thank you again and I appreciate it more than I may be able to verbalize.

5-HTP - 2018 (took for maybe 1 week)

Tried it for a bit but it gave me extreme anxiety and made me feel more depressed than usual 

Gabapentin - 2018 (took for about 1-2 weeks)

Was given this for my leg, gave me brain zaps and increased anxiety. Turns out I am "allergic" to it.

Zoloft - July 2020 (took for 2.5 weeks)

Week 1: 25mg

Week 2: 50mg

Week 3: 4 days on 25mg then off completely (per doc instructions)

Marijuana (edibles) - August 2020 (tried for about 1 and a half, maybe 2 weeks total)

Incredibles Mint Chocolate Bar 100mg THC (10mg per square) - Wana Blueberry Sour Gummies 100mg (10mg per gummy)

 

I am not on any medication or abusing any substances (alcohol, drugs, etc) at this time

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  • Administrator

Not at all, Zeegee. It's reasonable to consider suicide among the solutions when you are in high distress. Please remember this is just an idea, you do not have to follow it, dwell on it, and become more and more upset about it.

 

Also, if I'm not mistaken, thinking about suicide has been a habit of mind for you for a long time, and it accompanies your episodes of intense self-blame. What if you let up on the self-blame and gave yourself some love instead? Hug that scared, miserable little kid.

 

Given we're only an Internet site, and everyone here is pseudonymous, we cannot answer emergencies and must direct you to face-to-face help for immediate assistance. Are any of the vets support groups available on Zoom?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus
17 hours ago, Zeegee said:

When I feel a need to ramble/post, I will instead start an offline journal to record these thoughts as a way of getting them out.

 

Thank you, Zeegee. While it's good to get the bad out, please put at least as much time - or even MORE time - into finding some good. This will help with the neuroplasticity process. Please see:

 

 

Healing from antidepressants: The power of neuroplasticity video (7.5 minutes)

 

And be aware of the dark side of neuroplasticity:

 

Norman Doidge - The Dark Side of Neuroplasticity video (2 minutes)

 

By continuing to dwell on the negative and give more voice to those dangerous thoughts, you are channeling a path in your brain. Best to avoid this by catching these thoughts early and re-directing them. Please see:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

Over time, you'll learn to catch these thoughts at the beginning and re-direct them. First, try doing something - play a video game, look for pictures of nature on the computer or your cell phone, put on some lively music, etc. Later, you'll be able to distract your thoughts automatically. And in time, you simply won't be bothered by them and they'll go away, especially as you heal from withdrawal. 

 

These are lessons in how not to fall into learned helplessness. You're at the driving wheel. You direct the course of your thoughts as you learn these skills. And it does get easier the more you practice "changing the channel" and doing healthy distractions. 

 

I think you'll be surprised and amazed at how much lighter a load you have to carry. Suicidal thoughts are heavy. Best to leave them by the side of the road. 

 

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Also, if I'm not mistaken, thinking about suicide has been a habit of mind for you for a long time, and it accompanies your episodes of intense self-blame. What if you let up on the self-blame and gave yourself some love instead? Hug that scared, miserable little kid.

 

Ditto this, Zeegee. 

 

As Alto suggested in her last post, do look for some Zoom groups for vets. Try to find a good support system for yourself. Try to befriend people who are the best at coping during adversity and then learn from them. Look at this as a time to improve and to learn, to be curious even during the rough patches. You'll come out of this okay. Remind yourself of this because it's true.

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Zeegee,

 

I'm obviously not going to diagnose you over the internet, but i have OCD and it sounds an awful look like you have it too.

 

If you look up Pure OCD (a form of OCD), you may see an a lot of similarities. It typically presents itself as repetitive, intrusive thoughts which disturb the individual and they then perform compulsions in order to neutralise that fear.

 

With Pure O, that usually take the form in ruminating on the obsessions in order to try and reach a conclusion, or looking for reassurance (usually online) but also from asking other people.

 

Edit: also just saw you feel the constant need to 'explain yourself' whenever you have a bad thought or feeling. This is known as confessing and is also an extremely common compulsion.

 

Definitely have a look into this, it could really help you

Started Lexapro 5mg Mid March 2020

Came off Completely September 2020

Hospitalised september 2021

Slowly worked up to 50mg lamictal and 60mg Prozac

reduced to 20mg Prozac September 2021

Holding 20mg Prozac and 50mg Lamictal for a good while to stabilise. November 2021

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