Spenitate: paroxetine withdrawal followed by sertraline

[Erimus]

When you’re feeling like you’re at rock bottom it’s exhausting trying to help yourself, I get that. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to anyone. It took me a long time before I was well enough to engage with services to help. I still haven’t found a doctor I regularly talk with, it’s not worth the stress of explaining how I feel. Particularly because I seem to understand more than them, it’s too frustrating telling them what is happening in my body and why. 

Everyone is different but a few coping mechanisms I have include: distraction when able (avoiding my disastrous life and health circumstances), music (another escape mechanism if you can manage it), walking (this saved me, just dragging myself out every day without fail), meditation (I just did the deep breathing for 15-30 mins). As you progress through stabilisation you’ll collect more tools to add to your kit, you’ll find what works and what doesn’t. 

 

This link has helplines for you, save it as a bookmark if you’re on mobile:

 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

 

Most of your commonly asked questions that circulate your mind are probably answered here:

 

 

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Erimus

[Altostrata]

Suggest you get out for a walk and stretch your arms (and other limbs).

[Spenitate]

10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Suggest you get out for a walk and stretch your arms (and other limbs).

Oh don’t worry I’m walking constantly!

[Spenitate]

This evening (three weeks after I stabilised at 2mg) I had my best and most sustained window since I crashed on 30 August due to my over-fast taper. I had several hours of feeling pretty good with no suicidal ideation or other distressing symptoms (some anxiety and tearfulness but that is manageable). I have had a small number of windows in the past few weeks but this is easily the best I have felt in that time. It followed a couple of days of extremely awful symptoms.

 

I’m documenting this because I think it’s important to track the good moments as well as the bad. I’m logging my mood multiple times a day to try and perceive overall improvement. I think I have seen very slight improvement overall in the past few weeks.

 

it is distressing to know that this period of well-being will probably fade and I won’t be able to predict when I will have the next one - the lack of linear progress or a clear timeline for recovery is easily the hardest part of this process. If someone could wave a wand and tell me ‘this will all be over in 6 months’ I think it would be easier to plough through, but I just have to hope that stabilising at 2mg gives me a chance at recovery. Unlike my last withdrawal from paroxetine, at least I’m not dealing with another drug in my system complicating and exacerbating the problems this time.

 

 

[Spenitate]

As predicted following the sustained window I experienced a few days ago I have crashed hard into an extended wave. My parents are travelling to come and look after me in the next few days. My condition has taken a profound toll on them and I am so ashamed that my suffering is hurting the people I love now as well. I am back at work part time but struggling to perform which is very hard for me because work is one of the few areas of my life I normally feel some control over.

 

 The awareness of everything I have lost and am still losing to this illness is overwhelmingly painful. 

[Altostrata]

Please read

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

[Spenitate]

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please read

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

Thank you Alto I appreciate you sharing these. I had read some but not all of them. It is comforting to know others have experienced the same issues evening though it’s so awful going through them!

 

I am endeavouring too implement techniques like changing the channel, breathing, meditation etc but sometimes it is very, very hard. 

[Altostrata]

Yes, you've suffered a medical accident, you'll need to cope with it for a while. Please hang in there.

[Spenitate]

I have had three pretty awful days in a row with no real windows. This has I think been exacerbating by hormones (from spotting) which are aggravating my withdrawal at the moment.

 

Overall, I am seeing an improvement in the severity of windows now I am with family (they are working hard to distract me) e.g. suicidal ideation is intermittent rather than persistent. Still in overwhelming mental pain most of the time which I understand is to be expected with this condition. Lots of walks, hot bath/cold shower combos, and breathing on the agenda.

 

Currently clinging on for windows but think the hormonal factors are offsetting them as mentioned.

 

Every day I get up and try to fight, but the fatigue after 2.5 years of paroxetine withdrawal plus my recent setback with sertraline withdrawal have taken a huge mental toll. I have completely lost my identity to this Illness and it is soul destroying. 
 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Spenitate I wanted to say hello and let you know I am now following you. Your issues with Sertraline sound very much like I went through. It is truly a terrible situation to be in and I really empathize. I am now off of it completely, after many years. Some of those years were very hard but towards the end it did get easier for me. I wish you the best of luck. Please know I am here anytime you need someone to vent to.

 

Warm wishes.

[Spenitate]

1 minute ago, RachelSusan said:

@Spenitate I wanted to say hello and let you know I am now following you. Your issues with Sertraline sound very much like I went through. It is truly a terrible situation to be in and I really empathize. I am now off of it completely, after many years. Some of those years were very hard but towards the end it did get easier for me. I wish you the best of luck. Please know I am here anytime you need someone to vent to.

 

Warm wishes.

Thank you so much @RachelSusan your empathy means a lot. I am so terrified of the length of the journey to come as I’ve already endured so much with paroxetine.

 

I rushed my taper because I was so desperate to be free of these drugs and now I’m reaping the damage. 
 

like I said, I keep clinging to the windows.
 

I am so happy for you that you are free of this awful drug, I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Spenitate are you menstruating? People find that withdrawal symptoms can be more intense at times in the menstrual cycle.

 

Otherwise, it sounds like you are stabilizing, with symptoms overall becoming less intense. Good for you, breathing through them.

[Spenitate]

30 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Hello, @Spenitate are you menstruating? People find that withdrawal symptoms can be more intense at times in the menstrual cycle.

 

Otherwise, it sounds like you are stabilizing, with symptoms overall becoming less intense. Good for you, breathing through them.

Thank you Alto. I had spotting (so not a full period but yes some menstruation) and I completely agree it aggravated my symptoms. Today I had no spotting and a great window which was really encouraging. I am stabilising and trying to remain positive, thank you for your thoughtful and supportive words.

[crybaby]

Hey there Spenitate!

 

I just read your posts, and the first thing I want to say is how brave you are. It is so very difficult managing physical withdrawal symptoms, and the mental symptoms can be so much worse, and suicidal ideation is possibly the worst of all! And then working as well? Wow! Well done!

 

I am 1.5 years into my withdrawal and I can tell you that it does improve over time. There will be periods of time when you feel better, and the withdrawl can change into different symptoms over time. So, you are not necessarily facing the same challenges during the whole withdrawal. 

 

It is great to read that you are walking and eating well. I think those two things and sleep helps a lot. I also find that being in nature is very soothing, as is listening to music. Do you have a pet? This has been another source of comfort to me.

 

Another thing that has helped me a lot is being able to talk about the experience. It doesn't matter whether it is to a professional or not, but being able to share the experience is a real relief. The more,  the better.

 

Finally, I am learning that the skills that we have to develop to deal with the withdrawl make us stronger and more purposeful individuals. This helps us to manage the difficulty, but will also be part of us when we are healed. So, I like to think that we are Superheroes in the making.

 

Hang in there! Keep fighting!

 

 

[conkaia]

@Spenitate have you heard of the Worcester Withdrawal Group? They run an online support group every Wednesday. There’s also a North Wales group where Dr David Healy is speaking this Wednesday. I’m happy to give you more info if you’re interested. 

[Altostrata]

Thanks, @conkaia Please add those suggestions to the appropriate topics in the Relationships and Social Life forum.

[Spenitate]

18 hours ago, conkaia said:

@Spenitate have you heard of the Worcester Withdrawal Group? They run an online support group every Wednesday. There’s also a North Wales group where Dr David Healy is speaking this Wednesday. I’m happy to give you more info if you’re interested. 

Thanks yes I’m aware of the peer support groups and have been to a couple, they’re very good. I’ve had to cry off for now as I’m in really bad shape and I found them too overwhelming to be part of to be honest. I hope when I’m a bit stronger to join them again.

[conkaia]

On 10/11/2022 at 6:32 PM, Spenitate said:

Thanks yes I’m aware of the peer support groups and have been to a couple, they’re very good. I’ve had to cry off for now as I’m in really bad shape and I found them too overwhelming to be part of to be honest. I hope when I’m a bit stronger to join them again.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much.  How are you tonight?

[conkaia]

@Spenitate how are you doing?

[Spenitate]

On 10/24/2022 at 10:13 AM, conkaia said:

@Spenitate how are you doing?

Sorry for not replying for so long I’ve been in a very bad place and had to come off the forum. Feeling very low at the moment to be honest - desperate to get well so I can go back to work and live an independent life, but scared it’s going to be a very long time before I get there. I have had some windows but the unpredictability means when I’ve tried to go back to work I’ve failed miserably. Very frightened of losing my job and my home but it is what it is!

 

how are you doing? Xx

[RachelSusan]

@Spenitate I am glad you came back to update us. Recovery from antidepressants is a long and difficult journey. I know first hand how hard it can be and really hate to someone else in this situation.  My hope for you is that the windows you have been experiencing come more frequently and stick around longer.  Those small windows are the beginning of recovery.

Edited December 20, 2022 by RachelSusan
typo

[conkaia]

On 12/20/2022 at 2:23 PM, Spenitate said:

Sorry for not replying for so long I’ve been in a very bad place and had to come off the forum. Feeling very low at the moment to be honest - desperate to get well so I can go back to work and live an independent life, but scared it’s going to be a very long time before I get there. I have had some windows but the unpredictability means when I’ve tried to go back to work I’ve failed miserably. Very frightened of losing my job and my home but it is what it is!

 

how are you doing? Xx

I'm so sorry to hear this but I'm glad you're having some windows - this is progress!  Can totally empathise with wanting your life back, this truly is the worst nightmare.  Easier said than done I know, but try take one day at a time.  I'm really struggling with my mood, especially at this time of year as I would normally be out having fun.  I am lucky enough to be able to do my job; however its a struggle at times (I'm a mental health nurse ironically).  I feel depressed and cry a lot, which I suppose is an improvement to the awful intrusive thoughts I was getting before.  Big hugs xx

[Spenitate]

Haven’t posted in almost a year but felt the time was right for an update.

 

it has been a very rough year, the worst since I started withdrawal in 2020. I lost my job after multiple failed attempts to go back to work, and had to move in with family. I attempted suicide twice. I was finally referred for a course of counselling which was very helpful but only 10 sessions long. 
 

The positive is that I am now completely free of the sertraline (after a long taper off the final 2mg). The bad news is they put me on mirtazapine when I was at my worst (I should never have agreed but I was truly desperate and under family pressure to accept ‘help’ so now face the prospect of having to taper off that too).

 

i have been through hell and continue to go through hell. The energy and self belief that got me through the first bout of withdrawal from paroxetine is completely

gone. I have had amazing support from family but they are now also exhausted and at the end of their tether from caring for me for well over a year now.

 

I am almost four years into this nightmare. To be perfectly honest I don’t care about getting well any more. I have had enough. There are other people I am trying to

keep myself going for, but I am exhausted and extremely bitter. I tried to do everything right and now am still in huge amounts of pain. The loneliness of this condition is crippling. The constant thought that doctors who I asked for help ruined my life so casually makes me so angry I can’t really bear it. One of my doctors in particular (the one who, 14 years ago, advised me to take paroxetine permanently when I wanted to come off after a couple of months) still lives nearby. My friends know her. She is living a very nice life. I know it makes me a terrible person but if I found out she had suffered a painful accident I would be so happy. That woman destroyed my life.
 

i know this is very self pitying I just needed to get it off my chest really.