Angelicus: intro

[angelicus]

Hello all,

 

Let me first say that finding this site (mentioned on Dr. Brogan's own site) has been incredible! I've been scrolling through a bit last night and today and finally thought to make an intro.

 

Here's a history. In 2017 I experienced a panic attack on a flight back to school. Was out late drinking the night before, had some fast food at the airport. Took a nap at the beginning of the flight. Woke up feeling quite odd, shooting sensation up my left arm, heart was beating like crazy, thought it was a heart attack. Luckily, there was a doctor  on the flight (he said it was a panic attack) and another passenger had Klonopin, so the rest of the flight was just about getting me calm. Not fun. After we landed I went to the ER to see if it was anything with my heart, all was well.

 

Next few weeks was constantly on edge, worried I was going to have another attack. Then one morning I woke up with some derealization. Again, had no idea what was going on at all. Went to the ER maybe a few days later, was given some ativan, doctor told me it was just high anxiety. A few months later (after I graduated), I went to my PCP and told him about my derealization symptons, to which he promptly prescribed me lexapro (10mg). Since this was a long time ago I'm not sure how I exactly took it at first, I think I started only taking 5mg to start and then worked my way up to 10mg. Don't recall any terrible side effects besides maybe just feeling "odd." Derealization didn't fully go away, Doctor prescribed me with 20 mg. However, I kept only taking 10mg (I don't know why, maybe some intuition?). Anyways, the derealization eventually went away after I drove back to school for my master's program (a 12 hour drive, quite on edge for the first hour or two!). 

 

I kept taking the lexapro throughout the year. Things were fine, but again I'm really not sure whether it was the lexapro or just my brain being fine with the derealization being over. Anyways, that summer, I was having some sleeping problems (caused by the lexapro, in my view), and I went to see a psychiatrist and she prescribed me klonopin (a neighbor gave me some one night after I told him about lexapro issues). Was prescribed 0.5mg.

 

After finishing my master's that summer, I went to another school to get another master's (overkill, lol), and was running out of klonopin so I was naturally worried I wouldn't be able to sleep. Went to school doc who prescribed me the klonopin and referred me to a psychiatrist. Continued on this (intermittently, I could go a month or so without it and be okay) and the lexapro for the whole 2018-2019 school year. Took 20mg of lexapro for a month or two but it was too much and went back down to 10mg. I was pretty consistent with my doses of lexapro, though occasionally would miss a few (and would avoid taking it some nights I knew I was going to drink; I never drank on klonopin). 

 

In January of this year, I decided, without the advice of my psychiatrist (imprudently, I know) to taper myself off the medication. I believe it was a quicker taper (my memory is just so hazy). Went from 10mg to 5mg for a bit, then just managed to stop. Same with klonopin, started to take only .25mg and then just stopped when I ran out. The withdrawal was real, and I wish I tapered more carefully, but I was just in such a rush to get off the meds. Went through a strong depression for 1-2 weeks after stopping, but tried to eat a lot healthier and exercise (weightlifting, walking). Both of those helped and I eventually got out of the depression funk, though I still experienced anxiety (even it wasn't fully calmed during all the medication). 

 

Fast forward to about a few weeks ago, I was driving back home from my apartment by my school and had a panic attack on my drive back, which freaked me out. Was on edge for a bit, constant fear of driving alone. Called my psychiatrist to see if I should go back on medication which, to no surprise, he said yes and prescribed 10mg Lexapro and 0.5mg klonopin (I tried to only take 0.25mg even when necessary) which I began on 8/11. The first few days were fine, but on the fourth day I had some severe anxiety and stomach problems (a frequent theme throughout my anxiety/panic attacks). Anyways, went for a walk, came home and ate some lunch, but a few minutes after I threw it all up. Body felt like it was on fire and I had an intrusive suicidal thought that just freaked me tf out. Luckily, I'm here with my family so I went to the ER because it felt like the worst panic attack ever. ER trip wasn't really fruitful, high BP (148/89 or something close to that), they took blood and urine but didn't do any tests. Next few days were horrendous, same high anxiety symptoms/panic attacks/stomach problems and I started to develop depression. I called my psych asking if I could stop taking the meds, he advised me to just split my dose. I thought that would cure everything, but could not be more wrong. Next two days were extremely brutal, same problems of debilitating anxiety/depression/stomach issues. Wanted to split my dose again into 2.5mg thinking that would do the trick, but woke up the next morning with extreme stomach pain and was back in the ER again. Took the klonopin (0.25mg) in the morning and later when I got home. Thankfully, some actually tests were run (urine/blood) and everything came back fine. Called my psych to see if I could stop and he said yes. Rest of the day I felt extraordinarily depressed, called my psych again to see if I should check myself into a psych ward as I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts. He advised I take my actual dose of klonopin of 0.5mg to see if that would help. It did a bit, the depression went away after I napped, but was still extremely jittery. Called my psych again to see if there was anything else I should try, he prescribed my seroquel which I picked up and absolutely refused to take.

 

These past 6 days of the lexapro have been...not fun. Anxiety high, depression (a very physical one, feeling it throughout my whole body), intrusive/obsessive thoughts, and terrible GI condition. Each day I've really wanted to reach for the klonopin, but I fought it off, knowing it would be worse in the long run. Finally went to see a naturopath today. She was great, but I'm not sure of the supplements she gave me. One is "GI Revive" which contains a bunch of different herbs (I feel this might be too much for my system to handle, and I felt odd after taking it earlier, though less anxious, perhaps due to the chamomille in the mix) as well as glycine (powder, take ever morning). She also gave me magnesium glycinate if the glycine didn't help after two weeks. Based on what I'm reading here I think it might just be better to go straight for the magnesium and ask her for just gluminate for the GI problems. Hoping these will at least help during this process.

 

I was just really freaked out over all this, as I had no previous adverse reactions to lexapro and for my system to react this way after only 10 days just reallllly has me freaked. But reading stuff here has been extremely helpful as I'm seeing these adverse reactions can happen. My psych was also perplexed calling it "odd."

 

Anyways, my main symptoms seem to be

• High Anxiety
• Hyperarousal/Hypersensitivity
• Depression
• No motivation
• Intrusive thoughts
• Obsessing over my future (I had to take a term withdrawal this semester, which I'm fine about), but just constantly ruminating over "will this happen again in future?" "will I ever be able to function again?" "will these feelings last forever?")
• Catastrophizing (which I've always done, even before my first 'official' panic attack)
• Intense GI problems (I think the Lexapro exacerbated these, as I've been dealing with some problems here for the past month or so)

 

I've definitely been trying to cope with all this. Like I said, it was and is such a weird and quite debilitating. My main coping mechanisms have been prayer, walking, distracting myself on the Internet (kind of good, kind of bad) and reading a bit. I've always tried to adjust my diet to maximize mineral/vitamin content from food. I've always begun psychotherapy with my psychiatrist, but am contemplating looking for a Catholic therapist to help with the spiritual dimension of this (I'm Catholic). Unfortunately I am a smoker (pack/day), but I am working to taper off that as well, as I know the stimulant exacerbates things. it's an awful coping mechanism. The past three days have been better, though I definitely have my ups and downs throughout the day. 

 

Any advice/encouragement you guys can offer would be greatly appreciated. Again, I'm really glad I found this forum and disappointed I didn't see it years ago when I was first going through the stuff and I know me not consistently taking the doses at times was not the smartest. Nevertheless, ruminating on my past mistakes isn't the most beneficial, so I'm trying my best to look towards the future. I don't expect it to be easy, but just trying to take it one day at a time. I've probably missed some aspects of my history/symptoms/etc., but this post has been quite long so my apologies!

 

Thankfully, I'm with family, and they have been so accepting/understanding. I appreciate all that ya'll do here, and will definitely recommend it any friends who think about taking these meds.

 

-angelicus

[angelicus]

As I reflect a bit more, I want to clarify that the 0.5mg of klonopin I was a prescribed in the past I usually only took 0.25mg. 

 

Due to COVID, I think everything before March is just ancient history, so it's a bit frustrating not to remember exactly how much I took/really how long my withdrawal was. Like I said above, I really only felt withdrawal symptoms for a few weeks, which is suspicious given that I was on the SSRI/benzo combo. I doubt that would be too common, maybe me taking the lexapro again was an inadvertent "reinstatement" gone wrong? I just never felt I really went through months of withdrawal. Of course, I was still anxious, but nothing I couldn't handle. Noticed at the beginning of lockdown I'd get daily tingling sensations in my extremities for weeks, but eventually they went away. I wish I was as meticulous about my symptoms when I was going off/off the drugs as I am after this last reaction 😅

[angelicus]

Some other things to add based on questions from mods in other posts

 

(1) Sleep - tends to be only 5 or 6 hours, sometimes I can get a little more. Never really feel rested. Wake up with pretty bad anxiety/GI issues (today was pain on the right side, followed by cramps later. Not sure if the cramps were due to the glycine I took).

(2) Time of day I took medicine - I would take the lexapro around midnight, hoping to sleep off any bad side effects. Of course, that didn't work. Tried taking the klonopin (0.25mg) along with it at night to prevent the bad symptoms in the morning as well. Didn't work either. Generally, I'll feel terrible in the morning, a little better in the afternoon, and better in the evening, though I've noticed a few days where I'll still feel bad in the evening.

(3) Other symptom - Weight loss. I've lost close to 10 pounds in the span of a few weeks unintentionally (I was trying at best to lose maybe 5 pounds, walking and eating better). Just difficult because I am struggling to eat and I think nutrition is linked with my panic symptoms (my 3 big panic attacks were pretty much all on an empty stomach/crappy food in my system). Any recommendations? Probiotic drinks? Liquid food? 

 

Also is it common to have windows/waves in varying lengths throughout all this.?Tuesday (4 days off the med) was a really good day for me, had my usual morning anxiety/GI unease, but subsided after a few hours and I was fine for the rest of the day with moderate/small anxiety. Seems to have gotten worse Wednesday, Thursday was OK, today has been rough. 

 

Debating on reinstating Lexapro again, perhaps maybe reinstating just the klonopin for a bit instead.  but would prefer insight from you guys first.

[angelicus]

Update (sorry for the repetition)

 

Visited PCP, met with nurse practicioner. Prescribed 20mg omeprazole for GI issues until I can see gastro. Referral given for one, though I do have one appointment with one in mid-October, hoping this referral can get me one sooner. 

 

Today was just bleh. Woke up (~5:15AM) with bad stomach cramps. Panic symptoms around 12 PM, subsided somehow without anything. Felt high anxiety next few hours, surprisingly napped for ~1.5 hrs subsided after consuming a protein shake. Post-dinner (tuna salad), anxiety has returned, tingling in my toes at the moment. Noticing how many times I reach for a damn cigarette during these high anxiety moments. 

 

ALSO, after stopping the lexapro/klonopin in early 2020, I was taking melatonin each night for sleep (not sure if it was just for not being able to fall asleep or just worried I wouldn't be able to without something). I believe it was 5 mg at first, but that gave me bad anxiety. Cut in half and was fine taking it. Later month would take 1.25mg. Took until around July this year, was able to sleep without it.

 

AS AN EDIT, I realize I first took Lexapro around May or June 2017 (just for specification purposes). So I would have been on it pretty consistently for ~2.5 years. 

 

Debating reinstating the klonopin (maybe just .125 or .0625mg; stopped same time as lexapro) either tonight or tomorrow, as well as a very small dose of lexapro (1.25mg or .625mg, really not sure). I've been pretty debilitated the past few weeks. Not really sure if I'm withdrawing from the klonopin or the lexapro. Klonopin did help somewhat during my recent panic attacks/depressive spells, but have been fighting off the urge to take it each day. Also will probably start taking the magnesium given by my naturopath (as aforementioned, glycine I took this morning just made me feel weird - weakness in extremities, but not quite sure if that's due to struggle to eat). 

 

Couldn't find any interactions between klonopin and omeprazole/klonopin and magnesium glycinate/omeprazole, but naturally worried I'm shocking my nervous system too much. Any thoughts would be appreciated. 

[angelicus]

Update:

 

Did find interactions between Klonopin and omeprazole (https://www.drugs.com/interactions-check.php?drug_list=1750-0,703-0) as well as magnesium glycinate (https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-152090/magnesium-glycinate-oral/details/list-interaction-details/dmid-1610/dmtitle-antacidsh2-antagonistsproton-pump-inhibitors-amphetamines/intrtype-drug) so I am still debating about which to take if either at all. Klonopin has always either been help for sleep or "as-needed," and I've been fighting off taking the klonopin even during periods of intense panic.

 

My psych advised taking the klonopin, said there was no interactions with the omeprazole 🙃. But just unsure what to do. He also advised not trying the Lexapro again (I asked if I should try again on a very small dose). 

 

Feeling a bit better today after ending yesterday with some sweating/feeling quite hot. One day at a time...

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, angelicus.   I really need an exact timeline of your Lexapro usage, starting with the May, 2017 usage and continuing through the August 2020 usage.  When did you stop the Lexapro that you started in May, 2017? Update your signature to reflect this.   Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

When did the following symptoms start?

On 8/27/2020 at 5:58 PM, angelicus said:

 

Anyways, my main symptoms seem to be

• High Anxiety
• Hyperarousal/Hypersensitivity
• Depression
• No motivation
• Intrusive thoughts
• Obsessing over my future (I had to take a term withdrawal this semester, which I'm fine about), but just constantly ruminating over "will this happen again in future?" "will I ever be able to function again?" "will these feelings last forever?")
• Catastrophizing (which I've always done, even before my first 'official' panic attack)
• Intense GI problems (I think the Lexapro exacerbated these, as I've been dealing with some problems here for the past month or so)

 

 

If they started immediately or soon after you started the 10mg Lexapro in August, then it sounds like an adverse reaction.  If so, you will heal but it will take

time.  If you had an adverse reaction to the Lexapro, I wouldn't take start it up again.  

 

As you've learned there is a drug interaction between omeprazole and klonopin.  You can check it out at this link: Drug Interactions Checker 

 

Regarding whether you should take omeprazole and/or Klonopin, we're a site for going off drugs and can't advise you on that.  It would have to be a decision made between you and your doctor.  

 

You said you're not sure if you're withdrawing from the Lexapro or the Klonopin.  Once you've updated your signature to provide a complete timeline of your Lexapro usage, I'll be in a better position to address the Lexapro withdrawal question.   If you had an adverse reaction to the Lexapro (and the symptoms of withdrawal and adverse reaction are very similar), it wouldn't be advisable to take more of a drug, however tiny the dose.  Regarding the klonopin, physiological dependency on a benzo like Klonopin can begin after 2 weeks regular use and also can result from intermittent use. Please include in your drug signature when you started the klonopin, dosages and frequency of use.

 

It's better to make one post and let us address it rather than several posts, which are very hard to keep up with.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions, update your signature and connect with other members. We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[angelicus]

Hi @gridley! Thanks for getting back to me.

 

Firstly, my apologies about the numerous posts. I wanted to make sure all things that I thought might've been relevant were added to the thread, and most I remembered after I was able to edit.

 

(1) I believe I stopped taking them sometime in January 2020, perhaps very early February at the latest. Unfortunately, I can't be more specific as I wasn't as meticulous with 'journaling' things as I am now I'll update my signature to reflect that date.

 

(2) All symptoms with the exception of the GI issues began on my fourth day (8/14/20; started 8/11/20) of taking the Lexapro at 10mg. The GI symptoms began probably a month or 2 ago. I do, however, have a small history of GI issues (esophagitis when I was 16; 25 now). I've been anxious at times between the stopping/starting again, but nothing significant enough to be alarmed about. Depression came for ~2 weeks (maybe a little more) after I stopped taking it at first, but eventually subsided (there were some personal things going on in my life at the time as well that I was struggling with)

 

(3) Re: the omeprazole, I probably won't be taking it. Will be focusing more on probiotics/dietary changes. My appetite has suddenly come back quite a bit today (thank God), so I'm just going to take it day by day until I can see a gastro in October.

 

(4) I was on Lexapro during July/August 2018 (0.5mg) to help with sleep issues. Took it pretty continually until that January 2020 date, but generally only took 0.25mg. I avoided it on nights I was going out to drink (usually once or twice a week) and the occasional night where I just had no desire to take them. Apologies that I can't be more precise than this re: dosages/how often I took them. My psych prescribed them on 8/11/20 along with the Lexapro to help with any panic attacks. I took 0.5mg the first day (just in case any heightened anxiety from the Lexapro), the fourth day I took around 1 mg (that was the day I went to the ER with the panic attack caused by an intrusive suicidal thought), and 0.25/0.5mg from 8/15-8/19 (I can't recall if I took the .25mg the days before 8/14, currently have 20.5/30 pills of 0.5mg left, trying to figure out the math!) to see if it would help me avoid morning anxiety (it did not). On 8/21 I took 0.25mg in the morning (very panicky), another .25mg in the afternoon (panic induced depression), and another .5mg based on the advice of my psychiatrist as I was panicking about the depression (thought I had to go to a psych ward). I haven't taken the Lexapro nor the Klonopin since 8/21.

 

Again, thanks so much for your help. Looking forward to learning as much as I can from you guys. 

[Gridley]

@angelicus

 

Thanks for clarifying.  Here's my analysis of your Lexapro situation.  You're in withdrawal from what I gather was a rapid taper of the Lexapro in Jan. 2020.

When you reinstated in August, you were 7 months out from your last dose.  Reinstatement works most predictably within 3 months.  Some people can successfully reinstate that far out, but many can't and it seems you're in that group and you experienced an adverse reaction to the reinstatement .  

 

You will heal from both the withdrawal and the adverse effect, but unfortunately we can't give you a timeline.  Your system is sensitized now and needs a lot of self-care and healthy practices.  In my opinion, as I said earlier, any further reinstatement, however small, of Lexapro is inadvisable and apt to be further destabilizing.

 

I want to give you some information of withdrawal/adverse effect and healing.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.

 

There are a lot of very helpful non-drug coping skills in the following link:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[angelicus]

@Gridley

 

Thanks for the information! 

 

I'm surprised it's withdrawal instead of a just an adverse effect. But based on all the research I've been doing on this site the past few days, delayed withdrawal is possible. Certainly frustrating, but such is life.

 

Fortunately, I've had some good days (today has been solid) and some bad days (like yesterday), but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks again for the resources and info. 

 

[Kalmar]

Also you had anxiety and panic attacks they are not gone. Try to reach therapist probably CBT is the best for it. You can be drugs free but remember without therapy panic attacks and anxiety don't go away you still have them.

[angelicus]

Hi Kalmar,

 

Absolutely! I just started therapy with my psychiatrist last Wednesday. Will try to do it at least once a week for a bit. Hoping it helps.

[Kalmar]

12 hours ago, angelicus said:

Hi Kalmar,

 

Absolutely! I just started therapy with my psychiatrist last Wednesday. Will try to do it at least once a week for a bit. Hoping it helps.

That's good I have done CBT and feel much better because I know how to control my anxiety and panic attacks I think I have overall 70% less anxiety then before therapy.

[angelicus]

Glad to hear you're doing better.

 

Main thing I'm trying to work on now is the intrusive suicidal thoughts. They're just so physically debilitating I get sent off into a bad panic. I think I'm developing a fear of getting these thoughts as well, so I'm trying not to even think about them/if I do, just accept them. It's just so incredibly difficult. 

[angelicus]

Hi ya'll, 

 

Just want to log on here the past 3 days I've experienced. 

 

8/28: 1 week off.

515-530 wake up (~5 hrs of sleep). Intense anxiety, slight depression, pain on right side of abdomen. Tried some glycine, probably around 1g amount. 

818: observing this morning stomach cramps and weakness in extremities. Not sure if caused by glycine or just general withdrawal. Took shower, feeling a little better, stomach still bothering and extremities still weak.

Around 11-12 Panic attack. Intrusive suicidal thoughts, freaking out, pacing around.

Around 1 - Somehow napped.

Around 2 - Woke up with strong stomach pains, moderate anxiety. Was able to schedule appt with PCP.

440: meeting with nurse practitioner, referred to gastro (they’ll call me), prescribed 20mg omeprazole (most likely will not take).

Later in the evening - higher anxiety, some panic feelings, felt very hot, slight sweating. Called psych re: taking klonopin with other supplements, meds, said they were fine to combine (still will not take). Did not take any klonopin (so far successfully fighting the desire to medicate my problems away).

 

 

8/29: 8 days off.

630 wake up (~6 hrs of sleep). Woke up at 4 and 5 with anxiety. Morning anxiety now too.

650 vomit a small amount of water/acid.

820 just finished breakfast - 2 eggs scrambled, 3/4 cup probiotic yogurt, 1/2 banana.

1046 - reading, done at 1058.

~1130: slight-moderate depression coming on. Attempted to distract myself by calling friend.

1214 walk.

100 just finished lunch, appetite seems to be back today, no problem finishing meal.

~4 - protein shake

~7 - dinner (chicken, green beans, brown rice)

~1045 - strong fear about having the intrusive suicidal thoughts. Rationally understanding that they are only thoughts, but their intensity still frighten me..

1100 - prayer and sleep. 

 

8/30: 9 days off.

615 wake up (~6 hrs of sleep). Woke up around 5 with anxiety, fell back asleep.. Lemon with water. Still pretty anxious specifically re: fear of having intrusive suicidal feelings return.

724 Somehow managed to fall back to sleep in patches.

735 dry heaving, lemon with water probably stopped any acid coming up. 

~930 protein shake.

1016 today has been okay. Can slowly start feeling better, but still some anxiety/dread/no motivation. Brief moments of “this will get better.”

~1030 walk outdoors.

1117 slight tingling in right palm. Weird tightness in chest but not worried about it. Glutes feel weak (probably because of walk and laying down).

12:34 Got up too quickly, thought I was going to pass out, panic feeling but pretty transient. Good day so far,  but anxious after this.

118 lunch - chef salad (broccoli, lettuce, carrots, ham, turkey). Somewhat hypersensitive, weakness in legs, head feels cloudy, tired. Nap around 130.

250 wake up from nap, slight anxiety.

310 - prayer, short meditation.

328 - earthing until 344.

513 banana.

515-522 meditation and prayer. 

 

Definitely some improvement from Friday's poor day. Past two days I've been distracting myself with a phone game (I had a weird dream where I was playing it, even though I haven't touched it in a year, lol) and have just been relaxing with my parents. Feeling somewhat motivated to do things (especially reading), but don't want to push myself too much. Haven't logged everything I've done, definitely more prayer/exercise/food/very tolerable anxiety/depression in there. Hoping these improvements are a good sign so early, but definitely understand things can go south again. 

 

The rest of tonight I will have dinner (chicken, brown rice, salad), exercise via earthing pray, and watch a movie with my parents. Tomorrow I plan on getting a sleep mask for my eyes to prevent as much as possible the early morning cortisol spikes and pick up some magnesium glycinate tablets (I only have capsules, want to take a smaller dose first). Taking this one day at a time, hoping for improvements!

[angelicus]

Hi ya'll, just posting some updates from the past three days.

 

8/31:

653 wake up (twice during night around 330 and 515). Less anxious this morning (blanket over curtains)! 

7-815 on phone, noticing sensitivity to certain words, anxiety manageable though, feel generally better, worried it could get worse, but can’t think that way! Back to sleep at ~830 -

11: wake up again.

~1120 protein shake. Observing: not frantically looking for an instant cure anymore.

1229 earthing (walking) for 15 minutes. Slight depression, feel it in chest, but again, not worried about it, it’s only my body’s response to the effect of that medicine. Will get better in time.

127 - shower, depression still present.

201 - prayer and meditation.

255 - yogurt

347 earthing (357). Depression lessened post walk.

~655 dinner (steak, green beans, brown rice)

745 craving sweets?

1145 prayer bed

 

 

9/1:

827 wake up. Anxious, worse than yesterday, but better than days before.

902 protein shake. Just dealing with some tightness in throat/esophagus, anxiety low.

1023 tightness went away, feeling motivated more, but still some anxiety over going out and doing things.

1115 banana.

1219 lunch salad (spinach, carrots, turkey, ham).

154 earthing (210). Observed around lunch time feelings of agitation.

328 trying to hammer this point - I’m not suicidal, I’m afraid of feeling like I’m suicidal.

435 just got back from target - wanted to start facing these fears of “what if” by going out and confronting them, of course, everything was fine. Stop worrying!

656 - dinner (salad with chicken, fruit, walnuts).

1118 - prayer/bed. Observed also weakness/heaviness in my extremities as I went to bed.

9/2: 710 wake up (once at 627). Not as anxious, just bleh.

840 wake up again, upset stomach, slightly hot, libido slightly returned.

1000 transient “light at the end of the tunnel” feeling.

1145 protein shake. Stomach ache persisting.

1224 earthing .

118 prayer.

212 heightened anxiety throughout the day/irritability, banana.

225 head/arms just feels jittery. Breathing exercise.

336 anxiety has lessened after laying down. I know this whole experience will be over one day, just be patient.

515 wake up from nap (~1 hr).

~7 dinner (hamburger with wheat bun, salad of spinach/carrots/broccoli). Stomach feels full, maybe avoid bread for a bit. Felt better later.

933 slightly motivated

 

Definitely noticing improvements this week, hoping this is a good sign, but who knows. I've included as well some of my "emotional" observations based on my thoughts at the time. Also observing my sleep is much lighter (I'm usually a deep sleeper), so I might try magnesium glycinate in the upcoming days, but am a bit nervous because I'm not sure how sensitive my nervous system is to anything else (the glycine I tried before seemed to do more harm than good). Noticing I've been somewhat anhedonic the past few weeks, but there have been moments of breaking through it. My GI symptoms have improved, past few days I haven't felt nauseous/didn't vomit in the morning. Psychotherapy session tomorrow afternoon, hoping for some positives from it. 

 

One day at a time! 

[angelicus]

9/3:

630 wake up (6 hrs of sleep). Higher morning anxiety.

757 wake up again, anxiety still high, sun is out today however.

810 protein shake

828 puked some up (first time in days though; think that burger I had last night really upset my stomach)

839 banana.

920 earthing.

1041 reading, anxiety still high, racing thoughts,

1104 Head pounding.

1233 anxiety still present (racing thoughts), lunch.

100 therapy with psychiatrist. He's surprised I still feel so terrible since the Lexapro, physiologically speaking, should be out of my system. Really not a lot of advice was given, some coping techniques I've been trying. Been agitated since.

315 prayer.

334 magnesium glycinate 25mg (Doctor's).

528 body feels odd. Weakness in legs, anxiety still present, will try to read.

605 perused through SA instead. Went on walk. 

642 reading

 

Pretty rough day today, still feeling pretty anxious. Noticing agitation in recent days. This whole ordeal is frustrating, the intrusive suicidal thoughts that I had are still giving me anxiety even though I haven't had them in a week. Magnesium made me feel odd, but hard to tell if that was from the magnesium or just my overall anxiety about taking anything. Hoping this is just a wave since the past few days have been remarkably better than the week before. 

 

Have to repeatedly convince myself that going back on any meds won't help, just feel a bit hopeless in this whole situation. But also need to focus on how this week has been an improvement. I'm trying to distract myself but find myself saying "what's the point the feelings are still present." Just difficult to do things.

[Shelton]

On 8/27/2020 at 6:58 PM, angelicus said:

• High Anxiety
• Hyperarousal/Hypersensitivity
• Depression
• No motivation
• Intrusive thoughts
• Obsessing over my future (I had to take a term withdrawal this semester, which I'm fine about), but just constantly ruminating over "will this happen again in future?" "will I ever be able to function again?" "will these feelings last forever?")
• Catastrophizing (which I've always done, even before my first 'official' panic attack)
• Intense GI problems (I think the Lexapro exacerbated these, as I've been dealing with some problems here for the past month or so)

Hi @angelicus !

 

I am having most of the same symptoms as you, it’s so awful and debilitating! Message me your number if you’d like to text, maybe we can get through it together. 
 

On 8/27/2020 at 6:58 PM, angelicus said:

distracting myself on the Internet (kind of good, kind of bad)

This is the worst for me! I see horror stories and it sends me into thinking I’ll be like this forever. Definitely catastrophizing. 

 

On 9/3/2020 at 7:05 PM, angelicus said:

Have to repeatedly convince myself that going back on any meds won't help, just feel a bit hopeless in this whole situation. But also need to focus on how this week has been an improvement. I'm trying to distract myself but find myself saying "what's the point the feelings are still present." Just difficult to do things.

I feel SO hopeless and really trying to figure out how to get past it. I’m in therapy twice a week but the severe withdrawal symptoms are brutal and really taking a toll on me. I pray all of the time and beg for help. I try to let the thoughts pass by but it’s easier said then done because they’re SO intrusive and are chemical based from this awful medication. 
 

Did you reinstate? I’m a week into reinstating with no luck. 

[angelicus]

Hey @Shelton!

 

Sorry to hear you're struggling as well. Yeah I'll shoot you a message.

 

Thankfully, my distractions have tried to be more positive, and I'm not catastrophizing as much anymore when reading some stories on here.

 

It's definitely been a rough few weeks. My reinstatement wasn't on purpose (i.e. I didn't go back on Lexapro to stave off withdrawal), but I had an adverse reaction the fourth day I took it. Unfortunately I keep taking it for a few more days, but then I just had to quit it. But I agree, these symptoms are not fun.

 

Thankfully, each week has been better, but it's still rough. Still dealing with morning terror, intrusive suicidal thoughts (though the past few days they have lessened in intensity), heightened anxiety, some random bouts of depression, at times some intense intracranial pressure and GI issues but I'm getting through it. Prayer and meditation have been extremely helpful for me. Just gotta take it one day at a time!

 

 

[angelicus]

Hi ya'll just want to give an update.

 

Yesterday marked one month that I have been off psychiatric medications since the terrible reaction I had to them.

 

It has been quite an interesting last month. It seems my brain has generally been all over the place, yet I have noticed a steady improvement over these last weeks. Of course, this has not been daily, but judging it week by week. For instance, Sunday was the best day I've had yet, but Monday I was left with intense, intrusive suicidal thoughts along with depression, Tuesday was much better and I continued to slowly make my way back down yesterday where I was just filled with agitation, intrusive suicidal thoughts. Oddly, however, I felt so calm during this yesterday. My legs were heavy/tight, my chest was tight, yet I just kind of took it peacefully. My system was raging, begging me to reach for my klonopin to make it stop, but my mind was more tranquil than I ever thought it would be during one of these attack and continue to resist medication.

 

Certainly, there is much more room for improvement. My main symptoms include: intrusive suicidal thoughts, very weird pressure in my head, morning terrors (though this has somewhat subsided), occasional depression, anxiety (of course), and some others that aren't as prominent. I hope by God's grace I will continue to heal over this next month. Suffering has so much meaning, we just have to recognize, accept, and appreciate this. One day at a time!

[angelicus]

Just finished appointment with my therapist (second psychotherapy session).

 

Some good: was able to cry for the first time in weeks. Very light exposure therapy regarding these suicidal thoughts.

 

Bad: did suggest going back on medication to stabilize, seemed quite upset with me at the end because I fear everything. Really kind of taken aback by how upset he was, told me he was "just being emphatic." Ugh, might have to go back on meds, but trying not to.