Struggling with making sense of past decisions

[Shrike]

When I look back on some of the 'major life decisions' I made while I was 'spellbound' by all those psych drugs, I am filled with regret and even shame. Anyone else relate to this? These tides rush in, frequently in the mornings, and just crush me against the rocky shore. 

 

For example, I was in a management role at my last company and essentially demoted myself. I was so sick and frankly out of my mind that I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. The new role turned out to be a complete disaster that eventually drove me out of the company. I left on my own terms but I now wonder if I could have found a way to stay. I blame myself for not 'seeing' the complexity of executing a job move like that. I was so numb and disoriented by the drugs and WDs I just couldn't see anything clearly. Now looking back I wonder if I should have been more honest with the people I worked with about what I was going through. At the time, I didn't fully understand how powerful those drugs were and what havoc WDs cause on our interior lives. I thought I was just 'defective' and that it was 'all my fault' so I did the best I could and never told anyone what I was struggling with. 

 

Another example is while in the fog of ADs, we built a house that we really couldn't afford. My 'normal' alert systems were completely offline due to the drugs. If I had been in my right mind, I would have been able to feel the 'warning' signs like anxiety and such that could have informed my wisdom that 'maybe this ani't such a great idea' or 'slow down and think about this' but it was like I was mesmerized and totally fixated on accomplishing the task. I've not had suicidal thoughts that all the warnings talk about but I think these things were similarly spellbinding. Over so many years of those drugs, I didn't realize that I had become a different person. That person did a lot of things that I still can't understand...and yet wasn't that 'me'? If not, who the heck was it?

 

Part of what makes this journey off of drugs so hard is it can feel so 'unique' and lonely...

 

Any and all thoughts welcome. Thanks.

 

 

[arbor]

Hi GregoryReboot,

 

Your anguish mirrors my own.  I'm new to the site, but from what I've been reading, regret is also a painful symptom of withdrawal.  My brain doesn't feel as if it's able to function in the area that provides mental perspective, calm, or cohesion.  Instead it feels as if a red hot poker were burning in the part that registers overwhelming dismay.  My thoughts keep returning to past incidents in which my actions now seem as if they were under the poisoned spell of the antidepressants.  Even then, I was feeling that something was terribly off with how I was behaving.  I want so much for us both (and for anyone else feeling what you've described so well) to get through and past this somehow.  I do believe you will.

Thank you for posting this.  I'm thinking of you.

Arbor

 

[Shrike]

Thanks so much @arbor. You really do know what I'm talking about. I can feel it in your words. I can relate so much to how you describe not being able to find that elusive mental 'homeostasis' and how you knew something was 'off' even then. I remember that too. Have you ever seen the movie Inception by chance? That is what it's like trying to remember the 'dream'...it's like my life was a quiet radio in the background of my own existence WHILE I was living it?! It sounds psychotic to anyone who has not experienced ADs but that is what it was like. And then, speaking of movie metaphors. For me the 'exit' from ADs was very much like when Neo takes the red pill and unplugs from fake, but somewhat comfortable, world...indescribably 'shocking'.

 

Thanks too for the encouraging words. I know this will fade for you too. Keep on keep'n on. And post back if you want to keep this going, sounds like we have some common ground and our years of use line up pretty closely too.

 

G

[arbor]

Hi GregoryReboot--

 

Thank you for this.  I haven't seen  Inception, but this awful experience with antidepressants feels both sci-fi and big-business.  Trying to figure out how to go forward (other than hour to hour) is really challenging.  I want to be part of the world but the current w/d symptoms magnify the slightest stress, so I am mainly hunkering down, and trying not to freak out about whether I'll ever recover.  I'm curious if you've finished tapering off of Mirtazine.  Has there been anything that helps you?  Do people around you understand what you've had to deal with.  I hope that they do and that it helps.

Yesterday, a Saturday, I was with friends.  During the Pandemic, it's a treat to get together.  Today, Sunday, is more solitary.  Before AD's, solitude was a gentle, savorable time.  That's changed with my blown brain.  I hope some day I can lose myself in a book or movie (or sleep) again.  Right now it's very easy for my mind to perseverate.  It wants to chew on all my failings.  I can't believe how kind the people here are, who have posted their progress and even recoveries.  I've pasted their testimonies all over my kitchen.

I hope all goes well for you today.

Warmly,

Arbor

 

(I love this cartoon from New Yorker)  I probably don't know how to load it right.

 

 

"Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects."

David. A. Epstein

[ShiningLight]

On 9/3/2020 at 9:59 AM, GregoryReboot said:

For example, I was in a management role at my last company and essentially demoted myself. I was so sick and frankly out of my mind that I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. The new role turned out to be a complete disaster that eventually drove me out of the company. I left on my own terms but I now wonder if I could have found a way to stay. I blame myself for not 'seeing' the complexity of executing a job move like that. I was so numb and disoriented by the drugs and WDs I just couldn't see anything clearly. Now looking back I wonder if I should have been more honest with the people I worked with about what I was going through. At the time, I didn't fully understand how powerful those drugs were and what havoc WDs cause on our interior lives. I thought I was just 'defective' and that it was 'all my fault' so I did the best I could and never told anyone what I was struggling with. 

 

Dealing with the impact of the drugs and associated problems at work is incredibly complex. I, too have had my share of these problems (more than my share). I also feel shame about it.

 

You could also spin it the other way: you made a noble move for the benefit of others. A lot of managers would just continue right on being a crappy boss (and probably be promoted for it in the process) 😩.

 

I hope you won't continue being so hard on yourself. I doubt it would have gone better if you had "outed" yourself. And, you may have earned a problematic "reputation" in the process. Even if you had taken job-protected leave due to your medical condition, that doesn't always go so well either.

 

The point is, workplaces are not very good at accommodating this type of disability. Bottom line. You didn't do anything wrong, but were struggling against unbeatable odds.

[Shrike]

Thank you @arbor and sorry it has taken me a few days. I don't track this site everyday as in the early days of my recovery it almost became too much of a good thing but now that I am stable-ish, I'd like to re-engage a bit. I hear you on:

 

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Trying to figure out how to go forward (other than hour to hour) is really challenging. I want to be part of the world but the current w/d symptoms magnify the slightest stress, so I am mainly hunkering down, and trying not to freak out about whether I'll ever recover. 

 

I don't have a silver bullet, but one thing I have to constantly remind myself of is to 'be patient'. I didn't get into this mess overnight and it sure as crap won't be 'over it' that quickly either. One of the hard parts for me was, and still is, looking around and seeing what other people 'did' with the 12 years that I was a walking zombie. All the missed opportunities to work through hard stuff and grow makes me feel hopelessly 'behind' at times - in the early days it was overwhelming and surely fueled a sort of rebound depression. But the point is, YOU WILL RECOVER! Heck, you are recovering now. I mean think of where you were say 10 years ago, I'm guessing you are happier being 'awake' and more human again right? It's a long road to be sure, but just like in AA, 1 day at a time really is key. It helps me to look back further than a couple of years to get perspective on how far I've come. Even with what feels like a long way to go, in my clear moments, I'm fregg'n thrilled to be here! I'm alive again! To live is to grow and to grow is to change. I heard that awhile back and it helps me keep things in perspective. There is no static existence - in a way that is what we have left behind.

 

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I'm curious if you've finished tapering off of Mirtazine. 

 

Not yet but getting close. Down to about 12mg now. I really need to update my signature. I gotta tell ya, the Miratazipine taper has been a cakewalk compared to all the SSRIs, SNRIs, and benzos. Maybe it never 'took' to my brain chemistry the way those other drugs did. Thank God. 

 

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Has there been anything that helps you? 

 

Kinda covered above but a couple of specific tools that have been helpful is I do a lot of 'mind mapping' to process all my thoughts and emotions. It is helpful to clear my head and also gives me something I can share with people to 'show' what I'm thinking. If you are interested, I am happy to show you some or even show you how. It's not hard, but sometimes helpful to get started with someone. Sort of related to that, I've been doing some 'timelining'. That has been very healing and helps me fully integrate my past into who I am now. I also do 3-4 workouts a week, that seems to help me burn off a lot of anxiety and such.

 

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Do people around you understand what you've had to deal with. 

 

I'm not really sure. I have shared with my close network but I think ADs and withdrawal is so bizarre that it is hard for them to fully 'get it' although, they are most certainly supportive, most of the time I still feel like I'm pretty alone in this journey. 

 

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Yesterday, a Saturday, I was with friends.  During the Pandemic, it's a treat to get together.  Today, Sunday, is more solitary.  Before AD's, solitude was a gentle, savorable time.  That's changed with my blown brain.  I hope some day I can lose myself in a book or movie (or sleep) again.  Right now it's very easy for my mind to perseverate.  It wants to chew on all my failings.  I can't believe how kind the people here are, who have posted their progress and even recoveries.  I've pasted their testimonies all over my kitchen.

 

This sounds awesome. So glad you're taking the opps to get with friends. I hear you loud and clear on what feels like 'the new brain'. I miss peaceful sleep and peace in general. In the early days, I could almost never achieve the flow of getting lost in something because my brain would not let me forget all the things I 'should' be doing, or how this is the wrong thing, or how bad I've blown 'everything'. This has gotten better. It's still a battle but I can do things I enjoy a bit more now and it feels great!

 

Hope you had a nice weekend and were able to find some moments of peace. Keep moving!

 

PS - Love the cartoon! Did you by chance screen that film they showed awhile back 'medicating normal'. That was pretty validating for me.

 

[Shrike]

Thank you for your words @ShiningLight and sorry it has taken a few days...

 

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Dealing with the impact of the drugs and associated problems at work is incredibly complex. I, too have had my share of these problems (more than my share). I also feel shame about it.

 

I'm not happy to hear you've had these problems but is comforting to know I'm not the only one.

 

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You could also spin it the other way: you made a noble move for the benefit of others. A lot of managers would just continue right on being a crappy boss (and probably be promoted for it in the process) 😩.

 

Good point! I do try to reframe this, but that nagging 'voice' is so very persistent. I think is fading, just so slowly...

 

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I hope you won't continue being so hard on yourself. I doubt it would have gone better if you had "outed" yourself. And, you may have earned a problematic "reputation" in the process.
 

The point is, workplaces are not very good at accommodating this type of disability. Bottom line. You didn't do anything wrong, but were struggling against unbeatable odds.

 

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. 

 

Have you found any tricks to reposition or fight that shame? 

 

 

[ShiningLight]

On 9/8/2020 at 9:14 AM, Shrike said:

I don't have a silver bullet, but one thing I have to constantly remind myself of is to 'be patient'. I didn't get into this mess overnight and it sure as crap won't be 'over it' that quickly either. One of the hard parts for me was, and still is, looking around and seeing what other people 'did' with the 12 years that I was a walking zombie. All the missed opportunities to work through hard stuff and grow makes me feel hopelessly 'behind' at times - in the early days it was overwhelming and surely fueled a sort of rebound depression.

 

Excellent points. I relate.

[ShiningLight]

On 9/8/2020 at 9:21 AM, Shrike said:

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. 

Have you found any tricks to reposition or fight that shame? 

 

 

 

I'm so glad it was helpful. I have a few thoughts about that. First of all, addressing these issues falls under the broad category of workplace communication, I think. And that is a skill that can be taught. If one is a better communicator and skillful at messaging, one may stand a better chance. I have recently realized I have some things to learn in that area, unfortunately (but fortunately I realized it).

 

Honestly, Shrike, I think "the system" is really stacked against those of us with disabilities. For me, I think the best way to reposition and fight that shame is to create my own business opportunities. I didn't want it to come to that because I am self supporting, so it's a bit scary. But I have come to think that the best thing to do is never put myself in that situation again. It takes an infinite amount of energy to try to exist in a system that doesn't value you as a person because you happen to have a disability. I know because I tried to mainstream myself for decades. I finally decided that I'd rather spend my time and energy creating something than trying to protect something that others would seek to destroy.  

[arbor]

Hi GregoryReboot--   Are you also Shrike?  I want to thank you for your generous response.  So helpful and wise.  I'm familar with mind mapping, but I hadn't thought to employ the technique.  Now at your suggestion, I'm finding it interesting for tracking the associative paths my brain (under w/d duress) automatically takes.  It's a good technique for mindfulness--which helps me step back from the upwelling of despair during the day.  If "the horror" comes up during the night or when trying to sleep,  I have to get up.  Your suggestion of patience is so kind because I know you know how hard won it is when I can go there--which is getting better.  I could go on and on about how much I appreciate your answers to my questions--and that you would take the time to write them.  It means a lot to me.  I've printed them out and they're on my fridge.  I agree about the exercise.  (A problem with the smoke of the fires right now.)  And I'll have to try the time-lining.  

My very best to you on this journey....

 

Here's your comments centering my fridge.

 

[Shrike]

Thanks @arbor  Yes. I just changed my screen name to ‘shrike’. He’s a character in Mortal Engines (movie - you seeing a theme here?). I’m a very visual, creative person so I find that those movie images are very powerful and helpful. 

Your picture of comments on your fridge is so moving. How good it feels to feel valued. You made my day. It reminds me that there are silver linings all over these depths we’ve gone through. To feel so ‘subhuman’ for so long, it’s great to see all these ‘fully-human’ people ‘returning’ to pick up the pieces and help each out and grow, etc. 

 

Thanks again. I hope you’re having a good day. Keep me posted!

[Shrike]

This is deep stuff @ShiningLight. You’ve given me a lot to chew on here. I’ve always been a bit outside the box and I think you’re right that the ‘system’ really is a sick little prison. Right now, the thought of going out on my own sounds a little terrifying as so many people are depending on me but maybe this is just a good thing to keep in the back of my mind as I consider what’s next for me. Big corporate is absolutely depressing to me but it’s also semi-stable, etc. As my mind comes back and begin to think and see things more clearly, maybe there are more alternatives than I think...

 

Thanks again. Hey do you mind if I ask what type of business you are in? I’d also like to hear more about how you found your niche and took the plunge to go indi. 
 

[ShiningLight]

On 9/14/2020 at 1:57 PM, Shrike said:

Right now, the thought of going out on my own sounds a little terrifying as so many people are depending on me but maybe this is just a good thing to keep in the back of my mind as I consider what’s next for me. Big corporate is absolutely depressing to me but it’s also semi-stable, etc.

 

Thanks again. Hey do you mind if I ask what type of business you are in? I’d also like to hear more about how you found your niche and took the plunge to go indi. 
 

 

It's a lot terrifying! I haven't actually taken the plunge yet!!! I'm close though. I've been flirting with it for a number of years. 

[Shrike]

16 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

It's a lot terrifying! I haven't actually taken the plunge yet!!! I'm close though. I've been flirting with it for a number of years. 

 

Haha. Well it's good to know someone else is thinking about it too. If I could only get financed for a year to get stuff up and running I bet I could do it. But the thought of trying to do in addition to a full time job I don't think is possible right now for me. Who knows, maybe when kids start to leave the house there could be a window for that... Good luck @ShiningLight! Let me know if you go for it!

[Aurorax]

On 9/3/2020 at 6:59 PM, Shrike said:

Over so many years of those drugs, I didn't realize that I had become a different person. That person did a lot of things that I still can't understand...and yet wasn't that 'me'? If not, who the heck was it?

 

Part of what makes this journey off of drugs so hard is it can feel so 'unique' and lonely...

 

 

I just wanted to say that I relate a lot to this. I recently wrote about it in my Success story, but it's outside of ordinary human experience and hard to put in words. I was on Paxil for 8,5 years and feel like I have lived two different lives. I remember moving back to the town where I lived while on Paxil. It became very clear that I never really been here before. I recognised streets and buildings, but that was about it. It was as if I was walking around in the scenery of movie I had seen.

You are not alone in this. I'm still cleaning up the mess Paxil-me created. I have accepted what happened and I understand it intellectually, but I still struggle to make sense of it on an emotional level. These are powerful drugs and I try to be grateful that I didn't do worse things than I did.

Aurorax

 

[dcrmt]

On 9/9/2020 at 2:14 AM, Shrike said:

I don't have a silver bullet, but one thing I have to constantly remind myself of is to 'be patient'. I didn't get into this mess overnight and it sure as crap won't be 'over it' that quickly either. One of the hard parts for me was, and still is, looking around and seeing what other people 'did' with the 12 years that I was a walking zombie. All the missed opportunities to work through hard stuff and grow makes me feel hopelessly 'behind' at times

I've been off about 7 years and honestly this sense has got worse of late. Initially my life was in such a crisis that once I got over any notion of ending things I became very focused on actually digging out of the hole I was in, but having sorta done that and now being on some semblance of a reasonable path I'm reminded day in day out of how old I now am and how far behind I am.

[Shrike]

 

@Aurorax I really appreciate your words. Thank you. 

 

 

On 9/25/2020 at 2:13 PM, Aurorax said:

I have accepted what happened and I understand it intellectually, but I still struggle to make sense of it on an emotional level.

 

This is still very hard for me. Do you have any tips/advice on how you 'accepted' what happened? I do understand it intellectually also, but still 'blame' myself for 

'ever going on those things'. I do know that I was suffering and at the time those drugs were presented as a 'cure' not a Tylenol - which is what they are of course, only much much worse. I try to be gentle with myself but still end up feeling like this was 'all my fault' because I chose to go on those things. Round and round it goes...

 

[Shrike]

On 9/28/2020 at 6:37 AM, dcrmt said:

I've been off about 7 years and honestly this sense has got worse of late. Initially my life was in such a crisis that once I got over any notion of ending things I became very focused on actually digging out of the hole I was in, but having sorta done that and now being on some semblance of a reasonable path I'm reminded day in day out of how old I now am and how far behind I am.

 

Thanks @dcrmt. Have you come up with anything that helps?

[dcrmt]

On 10/1/2020 at 12:02 AM, Shrike said:

 

Thanks @dcrmt. Have you come up with anything that helps?

Not really, I don't blame myself for things I did while drugged, not anymore. Initially I did at least at the emotional level and had tremendous guilt over a few things, but the longer I've been off the clearer it's is how badly affected I was.  

 

Still ruminate on failing to discontinue when I'd attempted to a couple of times, and not realising that some things that happened were drug induced when I took myself of a year later and eventually ending up back on the same bloody drug.

[Aurorax]

 

Thanks, @Shrike. This is such an important topic. I need to answer all the questions I have received after posting my Success story, but I'm looking forward to coming back here as soon as I have had more time to think.

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

Hi again, @Shrike

 

I'm not sure I'm the right person to give anyone advice, but I can give you my story:

 

My parents were the main reason I started Paxil at age 19. I made the final decision, and I take full responsibility for my choice, but I was very skeptical of psychiatric drugs and wouldn't have considered it if it wasn't for them. Accepting what happened has very much been the same thing as forgiving them.

  I lost my home during wd and had nowhere to go, so I ended up in their guest room where I stayed for almost three years during recovery. There was really no other choice than to forgive them. I didn't want to allow this drug to ruin our relationship too.

  I felt deep regret and anger during the first years off when I wasn't sure I would make it to the other side. The thought of dying because of a drug was unbearable. But I did survive, and I eventually got a home of my own again, and the regret turned into this immense gratitude. It was as if nothing else mattered.

  Sometimes we have to go through disasters to learn to appreciate what we have. Facing death made me realize how much I value my life. Losing my home taught me to be thankful that I didn't have to sleep under a bridge. Most of us grow up with all these expectations of how life is supposed to be. But we are not entitled to anything. Everything is uncertain and always will be. It's a good idea to take a moment now and then and appreciate the fact that we are still alive.

 

But accepting my fate doesn't mean that I don't struggle. I did things on Paxil and during wd that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I don't feel regret at this moment, but I know I have a lot of work to do when I finally start to open up emotionally again. Accepting what has happened to me is one thing. What I have done to others is something else.

 

I also struggle in social situations as I have a hard time answering the most basic questions about my life. I did very well on tests and could have attended the best universities in my country, but here I am 39 years old with no education. I have been on disability and never had a job. There is so much with my life that I can't explain to other people unless I give them a lecture on SSRIs and PAWS. I have considered pretending that I suffer from complete amnesia and that the last 20 years are gone, but that isn't an option. I still remember, even if it's more like remembering a dream or someone else's life. 

    Life isn't a competition, and I'm not interested in fulfilling society's expectations. I was never interested in having a well-paid job of a family of my own. But I have seen, felt, and been through things that most people will never understand, and that's a lonely feeling.

 

I guess the extent of the disaster makes it easier for me to accept it. I don't even know where to start if I was to regret my Paxil-years. I'm actually laughing and shaking my head when I write this. Like this can't possibly be my life I'm describing? But it is, and there is no going back. And I'm 100% ok with that. I'm even grateful.

  Maybe I have reached nirvana. Maybe I'm too ***** up to care about how much I have suffered. Maybe I'm painfully optimistic and still think this will somehow turn out to be the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I honestly don't know.

   I'm a writer and had a novel published at one of the biggest publishing houses in my country at a very young age. Paxil ruined that career, but now I'm back. I guess that's what kept me going through all of this. At least I ended up with quite a story to tell.

 

Aurorax

[ChessieCat]

2 hours ago, Aurorax said:

Maybe I'm painfully optimistic and still think this will somehow turn out to be the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

 

It may not be that it is "the best thing that could ever have happened" to you.  What I have found with my experience is that I have learned a lot from it.  Some of the things which I have learned have been very beneficial. especially non drug coping techniques, acceptance and self care.

[Aurorax]

@ShrikeI just wanted to add that ruminating and having the same thoughts over and over again can be a wd symptom in itself. I experienced that a lot in the first years. Sometimes we have to have patience with ourselves. Acceptance takes time, but you'll get there eventually. 🦋

 

Aurorax

[Shrike]

Thanks @Aurorax. Appreciate the reminders on both the WDs as well as patience and acceptance. It is an excruciatingly slow process at times, but I when I look at where I was 3 years ago (when I went off ADs) compared to today, I am grateful for how far I've come. Peace my friend.

[Guest]

totally relate. but mine is more regret about what ive said to others, ive said things that no one should ever say  . the rage consumed me. completely

[Istm]

On 10/17/2020 at 2:36 PM, Aurorax said:

My parents were the main reason I started Paxil at age 19. I made the final decision, and I take full responsibility for my choice, but I was very skeptical of psychiatric drugs and wouldn't have considered it if it wasn't for them. Accepting what happened has very much been the same thing as forgiving them.

  I lost my home during wd and had nowhere to go, so I ended up in their guest room where I stayed for almost three years during recovery. There was really no other choice than to forgive them. I didn't want to allow this drug to ruin our relationship too.

  I felt deep regret and anger during the first years off when I wasn't sure I would make it to the other side. The thought of dying because of a drug was unbearable. But I did survive, and I eventually got a home of my own again, and the regret turned into this immense gratitude. It was as if nothing else mattered.

  Sometimes we have to go through disasters to learn to appreciate what we have. Facing death made me realize how much I value my life

I know this wasn’t directed to me, but I’m glad I came across it, thank you so much for sharing this @Aurorax, I have a very similar experience in the sense that I was extremely skeptical about psychiatric drugs and my parents where the ones that made me take them... it’s so hard for me to forgive and let go of regret and anger. I keep ruminating so much on how much I regret what happened in my life... but reading your experience really helped me reflect, thanks for sharing! I’m so glad you made it to the other side and are living life now! I’m sure withdrawal made you a very strong woman. 🤍

[Aurorax]

Thank you for your kind words, @Istm Feel free to reach out to me any time if you need support. 🤍

 

Aurorax

[Onmyway]

I chanced late on this topic but I also struggled with this quite a lot and still do sometimes.

A friend of mine put an interesting perspective on this by saying "you did the best you could given the information, resources and support you had and the assumptions about the world you had formed up to that point and the future that you expected." And that is basically all we can do. It is important to learn from our pasts but you can't judge your past decisions by today's rules/laws. 

 

It is also important to remember that WD does cause these ruminations and regrets in many so your current evaluations of the past are also not trustworthy. 

 

In the end, no matter how much we would like to believe that our lives are in our hands and in our control, the truth is that they are not. Not 100%, probably not even 10%. We depend on the situations in which we have been put and on the path we have been on up to that point which created our thoughts/beliefs/ways of seeing the world. That also means that your successes are largely due to luck/situation as well so no need to be very proud of them either.  My two cents. 

[AndyPants]

My years on Lexapro feel like a series of, if not bad decisions, at least ill-thought out ones. And since I started tappering a year ago (the way too fast taper my doctor recommended), ruminating on all those choices and beating myself up for them or questioning them is something I do pretty much daily.

 

On one hand, I'm frustrated with myself - for getting on the drug in the first place, for staying on it so long, and for all the poor/rushed choices I've made along the way. On the other hand, there are victories I don't give myself credit for (like getting off the drug and the daily fighting to get better), and some decisions along the way that were good. I know I focus far too much on the bad.

 

I can also relate to the discussions about parents. I needed therapy, not drugs. I know my folks thought they were helping when they suggested it (they're both still on SSRIs themselves) and I don't hold it against them.  But its hard not to wonder "what if" that things had gone differently.

[Surviving82]

Yes, I too have lots of regrets about my past decisions and actions. Going on an SSRI and staying on them is 1 decision I regret deeply. SSRI blunts my perception of danger as well as my rational thinking, so while on it I did make more than 1 additional bad decision for myself and/or for my family. I keep going back and ruminating about it but it only drives anxiety because I cannot change what I did in the past. I become deeply anxious after these ruminations. If there is nothing to ruminate about in the present, my anxious mind can always go back to what happened in the past to support my anxiety. I wish I could just accept everything that happened in the past UNCONDITIONALLY, forgive myself, and give myself permission to move on. That would probably help lessen my anxiety a lot. Wish I knew a way to actually do it 😞