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LunaPiena

Love after antidepressants?

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LunaPiena

Hello everyone!

 

I'm new here, and lately I really felt the need to reach out, I hope others can relate a bit...

 

My story is quite weird if I think about it, or maybe not that weird at all-  I guess a lot of you had to deal with similar issues...

 

Here is my story:

 I started on Escitalopram (10 mg) for depression when I was 28, and have been on it on varying dosages since then.

 I am 45 now.

I found put I was bipolar the hard way, when the SSRIs pushed me into a manic phase pretty soon after I started taking them. Rather than taking me off them which would have been the sensible choice, the doctors added a variety of mood stabilizers and anti- anxiety drugs. Which in turn made me more depressive, so the dosage of the Escitalopram was raised to at one point 20 mg (!!!). 

Over the last few years I have been tapering and am now on 7,5 mg and also decreased all my other medications a lot, as I'm now convinced that I'm dealing with a lot of depressed trauma, and believe that dealing with that will help me a lot with reducing my meds further, as I've such a good experience with it so far.

Tapering has been difficult...

 

But I dont want to talk about that now...

 

Since the tapering process began and I reached a level a level I'm feeling more comfortable with, I have also began dating again. As if dating at 45 wasn't daunting enough and a real challenge anyway, I found out that I'm dealing with a lot of other rather unexpected issues as well...

 

I feel I missed all my important years!  When I was so over drugged I almost "forgot" about dating altogether. I was so fuzzy most of the time that relating to others became a real struggle. I had a few disappointing affairs, that didn't go anywhere and almost put me off dating altogether... 

 

Basically all the years people date, meet a significant other, have kids, (get divorced,.start a new family haha... sorry, I have a dark sense of humour) were somehow lost. I started with the psychiatric medication at 28, when I was still young. Until then I hadn't taking dating that seriously (due to a lot of trauma in my family, as I'm now finding out in therapy). I tried hard to have fun, and had a few short lived relationships which was ok, since I was nowhere ready to settle down and start a family. 

 

Fast forward 17 years. Dating so far had been quite awful. It's not that the guys were so horrible (some were...), but that we always were at a totally different point in our life stories.

Most men I met had already had families, had children, had done the whole "love story" thing... and I felt there were tired somehow, they didn't want to do it again, they just wanted some uncomplicated fun, or they even wanted a relationship but were still so emotionally enmeshed with their exes, that there was almost no room for somehow connecting on a deep level emotionally. 

 

Children of course are a major topic. I've made my peace with the fact that I won't have children of my own, something which I found very hard to accept and which made me very depressed at times. But I'm also finding it extremely hard to relate to the children from a man's previous relationship. I do like children a lot, but since I have quite a traumatic history with an abusive stepmother, I'm finding it very hard to deal with this issue.

 

But even without children, it's difficult. Men my age or older seem not want to do the whole love story thing again which is totally understandable. 

 

I on the other hand feel like I just hit puberty, waiting for my first ever "love story" to begin! 

I want to fall madly in love, do all the silly little things lovers do when they meet " the one!". 

 

I know it's not very realistic, but I don't know what to do about it! I really tried lowering my expectations- but dating is so hard when you and the person you like are at so different places in your life stories! Mostly I feel relating to people my own age really hard! 

 

I tried daying younger guys, who I get along with much better as I found out. But that still raises a whole lot of other issues, as often they expect the older woman to be somehow "experienced " (haha!), or want me to take care of them (impossible!).  Or are just not ready to settle down... 

 

So yes, I feel I just hit puberty, and have nowhere to go with my emotions, how weird is that! 

 

I know there isn't really a solution to this, but I just wanted to vent. Sorry! 

 

Still I would be really happy to hear your thoughts... I think maybe this topic affected others too... do you feel like you lost the most important years of your life? How do you deal with grieving? 

 

Sending you lots of hugs! 

 

Stay safe and healthy! 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 Initial doseages 2017: Escitalopram 20 mg, Quetiapine (Retard) 300 mg,  Pregabalin 200 mg ...(all tablets)

October 2017: Escitalopram 15 mg

May 2018: Escitalopram 12,5 mg

September 2018: Quetiapine 250 mg

October 2018: Escitalopram 11,5 mg 

December 2018: Escitalopram 10 mg

December 2019: Escitalopram 8,75 mg 

April 2020: Quetiapine 200mg 

August 2020: Escitalopram 7,5 mg

Also: Omega 3 fish-oil, Magnesium, sometimes Valerian, Passionflower, Lavender

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ShiningLight
On 9/5/2020 at 2:06 AM, LunaPiena said:

I feel I missed all my important years!  When I was so over drugged I almost "forgot" about dating altogether. I was so fuzzy most of the time that relating to others became a real struggle. I had a few disappointing affairs, that didn't go anywhere and almost put me off dating altogether... 

 

Basically all the years people date, meet a significant other, have kids, (get divorced,.start a new family haha... sorry, I have a dark sense of humour) were somehow lost. I started with the psychiatric medication at 28, when I was still young. Until then I hadn't taking dating that seriously (due to a lot of trauma in my family, as I'm now finding out in therapy). I tried hard to have fun, and had a few short lived relationships which was ok, since I was nowhere ready to settle down and start a family. 

 

 

 

 

Luna, welcome!!!

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. I could have written this myself (minus the currently dating part! 😜) It's very hard to cope with, but good for you for getting out there and meeting people. It feels very weird trying to explain this history to someone. People don't get having this kind of situation. I hope that you find a man who considers your unspoiled-ness to be a rare gem! 

 

One of my favorite threads on this site is Finding Meaning: grieving the lost years and moving forward (or something like that). You may find some comfort there.

 

I doubt that you're truly bipolar. The whole thing of antidepressants "unmasking" bipolar disorder is poppycock. Mania that occurs after taking an antidepressant is called a side effect. In fact, it is an exclusion criteria for bipolar disorder itself that the mania can't have been brought on by a medication. If the mania is brought on by medication, it's called medication induced bipolar disorder. Which is again, a side effect.

 

I hope that you join us and create a full intro post!


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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