Aurorax: Severe protracted Paxil withdrawal - Finally free!

[Pawlove]

Thank you Aurorax for the info about your pill cutting. I am ordering a scale. I had actually not pictured grinding the entire pill into a powder but rather scraping off tiny bits until I have either the amount I want to remove by weight or the remaining pill at the weight I want. I guess I need to find out what most people do when it comes to that. It's still kind of vague to me but I think that is the route I will take. 

 

I loved what you said about intrusive thoughts and not believing that you are your thoughts. I was off paxil for 4 months and so sick but did not realize it was the wd. My thoughts were over the top. I also wanted to die. I thought of all kinds of ways to die that would be easier for my family. Not obvious suicide. I believed the thoughts were indeed the "real" me. I had not found a forum that gave me any info to help. I thought I had messed my brain up to the degree that when I realized the horrible physical and emotional issues were paxil wd  that it indicated that I had some kind of  deficiency in my brain so that I would always have to have paxil to function. To have the presence of mind to listen to the thoughts in the same way you would listen to the radio or TV is great! To plan ahead to do that is the answer to handling the changes that are going to come. Of course, like almost everyone I know who has been through wd, the waves can feel as if that is how it is going to be forever. I am so thankful to have found people who can understand completely what I mean when I have a horrible day or week. I don't know if I should wait until I am a little longer off ambien and morphine to start tapering paxil. Morphine is a linear process and as far as I can tell I have had few issues from tapering off ambien. Do you avoid supplements that can affect GABA receptors? Also, I see promethazine listed. Because of my pancreas issue I get nausea at times and take it maybe 3-4 times a month. Did you find it was a negative to your recovery? It does make me sleepy and I know it potentiates narcotics and possibly other drugs but I am not on a narcotic any longer. I am so much more aware of everything I put in my body than I ever was before. Thank you again for your sharing! 

 

[Terry4949]

Aurorax thank you for your success story I so needed to read it I’m nearly 4 years off all meds now and suffering still so badly no signs of healing I have many of your symptoms still but unfortunately I am plagued with the dreaded depression which you said you were lucky not to have when we suffer this horror for so long we believe we will never get better but after reading your story it gives me hope that I may still recover for me I have felt this way for 7 years even though I have only been off the meds for shorts as I hit tolerance and that’s when I became so sick I wish you all the best as I know how you have suffered and I hope one day I will be able to come on here and write my success story 

[Aurorax]

@Pawlove

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Pawlove. I, too, thought the intrusive thoughts were me. The same goes for all the other wd symptoms I had. I assumed I was suffering from severe mental health issues that also manifested physically, and that I needed Paxil to survive. It makes no sense to me today that I could believe that, but that's how it was.

   It wasn't until that third attempt to quit that I finally realized what was going on. Someone close to me that had seen drug addicts go through detox saw me and said I looked like I was in withdrawal.

   I wish I had gathered knowledge and made up detailed plans at that point, just like you do now. But I was fearless on Paxil and didn't even bother to read other's stories of what could happen. It wasn't until the positive effects diminished and I started vomiting that I realized how physically ill I already was and how bad things were going to get, and then I panicked.

 

The wd can definitely feel as if that is how it's going to be forever. It took a long time and a lot of practice until I had the presence to observe what was happening to me.

 

Yes, I avoid supplements that can affect GABA receptors. I tried GABA and other things the first year off, and they didn't do much for me. I had severe insomnia back then, to the point where I sometimes didn't sleep at all for many days in a row. I eventually started to experiment with various sleeping pills. Promethazine just made me sick. Propiomazine made my leg kicks even worse. The only thing I found helpful was Alimemanize. It made me sick too, but the maximum dose would knock me out for a few hours. I believe it was harmful and delayed my recovery, but you can't recover without sleep. People on the local help forum recommended Doxylamine, but Drs. in my country don't prescribe it. We were trying to find a safe way to buy it, I'm not sure why I continued with Alimemanize instead.
  Insomnia kept coming back in waves for the first three years, and I could go without sleep for days, but I never took any sleeping pills after that first year.

 

I'm not sure whether you should start taper now or wait a few more weeks. I guess that depends on whether your morphine wd har calmed down enough for you to feel somewhat stable. I would ask the moderators for advice.

 

Aurorax
 

 

[Aurorax]

@Terry4949

 

Terry4949, your comment made me cry. Thank you for reminding me that I still can feel for others.
   I know this process is cruel beyond words, and I can literarily feel your despair, but healing is inevitable. Never give up, ever. You are soon four years in and might be turning a corner anytime.

 

I sometimes wish I could teleport myself to everyone on this forum that feels the despair that I felt. I wish I could sit by your side and tell you everything is going to be ok as long as you keep fighting.

 

You are not alone in this.

 

Aurorax

[Deepu]

Auroxax plz tell me

 

Will i recover

Is pssd people recover with time

My main problem is lost of emotions and lost of libido

I am very worried

I have tell my story in the forum

U can check it and tell me what to do

[Deepu]

And why u have taken ssri

And after being normal is your problem cure

Is ssri cure the problem for root 

 

[KenA]

Thank you so much for sharing!! I am now at 13 months and am feeling a bit better day by day. It took me the longest time to learn to accept this process, but now it is much easier for me once I realized this will just take as long as it takes!! Every symptom I have that becomes less intense truly lets me know that one day this will all be over with and I will be healed as well

[Pawlove]

Aurorax, I don't think you realize how much you are helping others who are in the middle of such torment. Thank you again. 💟

[waves12]

Thank you for your amazing post and so happy for your recovery. 

 

Did you go to therapy whilst going through all this ? I am 4 years off from cold turkey and it's a living hell every day and just wonder if I am missing something that's preventing me from getting better like therapy that's why I ask you if you don't mind and if you had trauma to resolve and dragons to slay. 

 

I feel I can barely go on like this and I am in my 50's now and lost my life the last 4 years and feel defeated and no idea if I will regain any glimmer of a life again. It is lovely and isolating and friends and family lost patience. It's very hard living alone and the fear of this being permanent is now overwhelming me. Can't work and don't think I will ever manage to work again and this fear brings the loss of my home after being here 22 years paying a mortgage and now unable to. So scared and have such dark thoughts that I won't make it. 

Any hope you can pass on will help me.

Waves 

[Aurorax]

@Deepu

 

I read your story, Deepu. You took Fluxovin for three years, which caused sexual dysfunction, quit august 2019, and started Bupron and Nexito. You stopped Nexito ct 50 days ago. You also mentioned that you smoke weed and drink alcohol.

 

That is good news. You don't even know if you still have PSSD and loss of emotion. The drugs you are using may be causing some of your symptoms. I can't give you medical advice, but if I were you, then I would consider the following:

 

1. Stop using weed and alcohol.
2. Decide how to taper Bupron. The moderators can help you with this if that's what you want to do. They can also help you decide whether you should reinstate some Nexito and taper more slowly.

 

Please do NOT go cold turkey again. It's very dangerous.

 

I see that you already discussed some of these questions with the moderators. They can help you with how to taper, but they can't answer your questions on how long you will have to suffer or take your worries away. You will have to be patient and listen carefully to their advice, instead of doing the opposite of what they are telling you.
   I understand that you feel scared and lonely. You can always post your thoughts and feelings in your introduction thread. I and others will do our best to support you. You are not alone in this.

 

I never had PSSD and haven't done enough research to answer questions about it. The only thing I know for sure is that many, many people have had it and recovered. I wouldn't worry about this if I were you. You need to be off all drugs for at least a few months to know if you still have this. Try to put this worry aside until then. I know it's easier said than done, but you are stronger than you think.

 

I'll get back to your other questions later!

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

@KenA

 

Thanks for reading my story, KenA. So good to hear that you are feeling better. The best is yet to come!

 

@Pawlove

 

Thank you, too, Pawlove. ❤️

 

@waves12

 

Thanks for your kind words, waves12. I can't answer you right now but I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

 

Aurorax

[waves12]

1 hour ago, Aurorax said:

@KenA

 

Thanks for reading my story, KenA. So good to hear that you are feeling better. The best is yet to come!

 

@Pawlove

 

Thank you, too, Pawlove. ❤️

 

@waves12

 

Thanks for your kind words, waves12. I can't answer you right now but I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

 

Aurorax

Ok thank you will look out for your reply. Waves 12

[LostRunner]

You are so unbelievably strong @Aurorax! It’s crazy what you went through, you must feel like a superhero. Thanks so much for posting! I’m full of admiration for you and your persistence despite having such dire symptoms for so long. Incredible recovery story. 

[Aurorax]

@waves12

 

Thanks for reading my story, Waves.

 

I did some therapy at an addiction center during the end of the taper. They only helped people quit benzo and opiates and had little experience with SSRIs. The doctor was reluctant to help me, but the therapist had tapered patients off SSRIs before and knew they were similar to benzo. I had support for a while, but the therapist got worried when I continued to get worse weeks after my last dose. I needed inpatient care at that point, but there were no inpatient units for people coming off antidepressants. He eventually lost hope in me and said that there was nothing more they could do for me.

   I didn't do therapy after that. I was too ill most of the time during the first years. I had a hard time sitting up in a chair, I was very nauseous, had severe sensory sensitivity, and I was frightened of being in the same room as another person. Talking to anyone and trying to process their presence and speech was too stressful. I just wanted a dark room, a bed, water, food, and to be left alone.

 

I probably would have benefited from therapy at year four and onwards, but the nature of my wd symptoms was a problem. I was paranoid and still hallucinated occasionally, and I was afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. I had an intense fear of forced treatment.   
   Psychotherapy mostly seemed like a threat during those years. Listening to others (parents, psychologists, other well-meaning people) had nearly killed me, so I was determined to only trust myself from now on. I was also sick of relying on others. That is probably one of the reasons I never reached out for support here on SA.
   That is a decision I regret sometimes. I could have shared my journey with people here, made friends, and helped others, instead of doing this on my own.
   
I eventually did a few therapy sessions last year while I was overseas. That was the first time I opened up about what I had gone through, things that I had never shared with anyone after my partner left me. That was helpful, and probably one of the reasons I'm writing about my experiences here. It made me realize that I, too, need to get things off my chest. I also realized that I had enough of hiding my experiences and feeling shame.

 

I've read through your introduction thread. I'm not sure if you want my advice, or if I'm the right person to give anyone advice, but if I were you, then I would consider finding a therapist that is familiar with PAWS. Or maybe a support group where you can be honest about how you feel. If you fear that you won't make it and your anxiety and depression have gotten worse, then maybe it's time to find more support to help you through this. Not reaching out for help earlier is one of the things I regret looking back.

 

I know you are in a dark place right now, but there is a lot of hope: If the anxiety and depression are wd, then they will go away with time. Four years may feel like an eternity, but it's not uncommon to have symptoms for this long. I saw huge improvements around year 4 and 5. You can turn a corner next month or even next week. You are only in your fifties, which means you might have 30-40 good years left when you are through this!
   If the remaining anxiety/depression is the result of everything you had to go through during wd, then psychotherapy might help. There is always a way forward, no matter the reason you feel the way you do. I'm not suggesting that you are no longer in wd, but maybe other things are contributing as well? Losing a connection with family and friends and potentially losing one's home would be very stressful even for someone not going through wd.

 

If you feel suicidal, please reach out for help. Make sure you have someone nearby until you feel better. Do not keep those feelings to yourself.

 

Did I have trauma to resolve and dragons to slay? The emotional crisis I faced when I was 19 is long since gone. I do believe that I have trauma to resolve from going through wd, but I don't feel anxious or depressed. I assumed there would be an emotional reaction when I finally could allow myself to feel again, but I'm doing fine. I still have a hard time relating to people, but I'm trying to open up now and see if I can connect with others again in a meaningful way.
   The only dragon left to slay is the drug cravings. That's the only thing I believe could wreak havoc on my life at this point. The jury is still out on whether I'll overcome that or not.

 

I'm very sorry that you might lose your home. Are you well enough to find another place where you can live on your own? I'm asking because having to rely on relatives for housing was one of the more stressful experiences during wd, and I believe it delayed my recovery.
   I hope you can find a way to keep your home, but you will get through this even if you don't. Seeing one's life go downhill is frightening, but there is a way up.
   I'm not sure if you find this helpful, but one thought that helped me during that time was thinking that my losses were the price I had to pay for coming off Paxil. I had to let go of my home, my loved one, my dog, and my friends. It was painful when it happened, but it was worth that price.

 

Don't feel like you have to answer my questions or continue this conversation if you don't find it helpful. I just wanted to share my journey and say that I relate a lot to your fears and losses. I see no reason for you to give up. If I could recover and be happy again, so can you!
   Try and gather all the support you can find, and all the strength you have, and keep walking. I know it's hard when you don't know where the finish line is, but it might be closer than you think.

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

Thanks for your kind words, @LostRunner!

 

I read about your adverse reaction. I can relate a lot to your symptoms, and I, too, wondered if I had permanent nerve damage. The muscle weakness/low muscle tone/lack of postural stability can be very debilitating and may not respond to anxiety management techniques. I know myself very well by now, and these symptoms didn't get worse by stress. I had felt happy for a long time, and I was still unable to stand up normally or sit in a chair without effort. Walking was difficult. I struggled to open lids. I could be filled with energy and still have these problems.

  These symptoms may seem to be permanent for this reason or to have more in common with brain damage after a stroke than withdrawal, but they too heal eventually. That's my experience, at least. Keep moving as much as you can, but don't push yourself too hard. It's easy to become frustrated and impatient and end up falling or injuring oneself.

 

Wishing you a speedy recovery and looking forward to reading your Success story eventually!

 

Aurorax

 

[LostRunner]

Thanks so much for your words and encouragement @Aurorax and thanks for acknowledging that these physical things do not necessarily change with anxiety management.. I’ve found that very frustrating. If anything I don’t feel anxiety at all anymore. I’m just sad at the state I’m in and I practice all of the CBT and acceptance and commitment therapy techniques I’ve learnt to get through each day. It does not improve symptoms as they are not caused by anxiety! Very frustrating to have to continually explain this to drs etc.
 

I’m so so glad you got better from this as yes it’s terrible and feels to me to be permanent. Can you move and walk normally now? What did you do when you couldn’t do much? I struggle so much to get through the days... I’m permanently uncomfortable. It’s hard to know that if recovery comes it will most Iikely take years.. so crazy after a week of a drug! Aaah!  
 

also I so so relate to this..

 

 

“I remember thinking that I wished I could have been sentenced to five or ten years in prison instead, just to know that I would be free one day”

[Aurorax]

I know it's crazy you have to suffer this much after just a week on a drug, @LostRunner. But what if this was one of the better things that could have happened? You would probably still be on it if it had worked wonders, potentially for years.

 

And I don't think this has to take years. No one knows, but your symptoms can be gone in a few months. I was on Paxil from a young age, and I had experienced those symptoms since my second attempt to quit. They never went away completely after reinstatement and got progressively worse each year. My muscles wasted away, I weighed 105 lbs, and I'm 7'5". I think there is reason to believe that you will heal much more quickly than I did. And you will heal.

   That acceptance therapy sounds good, even if it doesn't improve your symptoms here and now. The less stress you experience, the more energy left for healing.

 

Having to explain must be frustrating. At least one good thing about getting so insanely physically ill was that no-one questioned me. I remember trying to walk around the block, and kids would stop playing and stare, dogs started to growl. I went to a chiropractor and didn't want to disclose my background, but he immediately saw that I was drug damaged. He said my body looked poisoned. He later confessed that I was the worst case he had seen for someone my age and that he wasn't sure I would recover, but I did.
    I have had relatives say that they could tell from my gaze that there was something wrong with my brain. I have started to realize how lucky I was that people somehow sensed what was up with me. My family understood that they had lost me to Paxil all those years, and now they wanted me back, even if that meant watching me suffer for a long time. I'm so thankful for that. I hope you have supportive relatives too.

 

Yes, I can move and walk normally now. Walking still feels different, but symptoms are not physically limiting (unless I would walk for hours.) It just takes a little more effort on bad days. I don't feel heavy or weak, but as if my muscle tone and coordination are off. My arms tend to move less while walking on those days. But they are still alive and not just hanging dead from my shoulders and dangling around like they used to. Feet could be quite useless, like trying to walk with socks instead of feet. I still trip on my own feet occasionally on bad days, but they are usually back to normal.
   I'm quite strong nowadays and can do things like pistol squats if I hold on to something. I also have strong core muscles judging from the exercises I can do, but I still have some postural instability and struggle with static moments. It's harder for me to stand up still than to move.

 

I never had any problem with how to spend my days. There was always more things that needed to be done that I could do. I was so ill first years that eating and existing was a full-time job. Then I got a home of my own and had another full-time job taking care of that. I remember that I would get up and do something for a minute, then lay down until the pain and muscle cramps calmed down, up again, collapse in bed, up again, and so on.     
   Building my life up again while still being quite ill kept me busy for several years. I had to relearn very basic skills on my own. I also have a restless mind, always filled with ideas of things I want to do. I wish my days were at least four times longer, and I started feeling that way from year 5 in my recovery.
   The last years of PAWS were happy in many ways. It was a constant battle, but it was a happy battle, the kind of battle you know you are going to win.

 

Aurorax

 

[LostRunner]

Yeah it’s truly insane @Aurorax. There are many drs that don’t believe this can happen after someone has been on a drug for years so you can imagine how they greet my 1 week experience! .... like I literally have 3 heads ha! I’m intrigued by everyone who says they felt good on this medication and I can totally see how someone could be on it for years in that case. Either way these drugs are baaaad! I didn’t have one positive feeling on it.. just illness. Silly me! 
 

Yeah the timeline is so unknown.. atm my body feels changed forever.. the way I stand, the way I walk, move, my joints click.. my body placement feels alien, lots of DR/DP etc. Hard to describe.. so I’m not hopeful atm. I’ve lost about a stone and a half since this happened and can’t put it back on yet.. bizarre. Yeah the acceptance therapy is interesting.. I think these techniques should be taught early on in schools.. lots of helpful relaxation & grounding techniques.
 

Wow can’t imagine what you would have been like for someone to say your body looked poisoned.. you poor thing! Even more credit to you for getting through. Incredible also that your chiropractor was able to see how you healed. My family are supportive but I know they too are sometimes doubtful about the suffering still going on.. they can be impatient and tired of it. I do get it. Pleased you had that support.. it’s invaluable!! 
 

Hope your walking continues to improve over time but sounds amazing the progress you’ve made! Must feel incredible to have your life back. I find it harder to stand still too than to move.. like I’m swaying on the spot! My hips don’t feel like they’re doing their job at all. That instability really scares me. I can only hope it gets better but don’t know if it can.. I don’t know. My spine shakes continuously, sitting or standing. By far my worst, frustrating  symptom. SCARY. 

 

Amazing I love what you wrote at the end.. The fact you could still be happy and had that faith you’d be okay. I think you are so incredibly strong! 
 

also just looked up pistol squat - well done you! I couldn’t even do that before all this! 

[Longroadhome]

@Aurorax

 

Hello there thank you for writing your success story.  Well done you are so brave . You should be very proud !! 
so many symptoms too

 

How long did you suffer akathesia for was it 24/7 did you take anything for it. If not what things helped to relieve it. 
 

I have it at the moment and it’s unbearable at times . 
i also  have a sensation like being on a floaty boat. My balance is off . Did you have this ? 
 

Thank  you for remaining on this site and helping others like myself 
 

 

[Aurorax]

Interesting that our symptoms are so similar, @LostRunner. The alien body placement, the swaying at the spot, hip instability, clicking joints... My spine wasn't shaking, but I had a burning pain. All of these symptoms are more or less gone now. I only have the postural instability on bad days.

   I would really like to know the exact reason for these particular symptoms. CMT (a hereditary form of peripheral neuropathy) runs in the family, so I did a neurological examination at year 3 to rule that out. I never mentioned Paxil. My weakness was apparent in some of the manual tests, and the neurologist was puzzled when the nerve function tests came back fine. They went on with other tests (they wanted to rule out ALS) but couldn't find any known disease. They eventually concluded that my symptoms came from my CNS somehow. I already knew it was wd, so I never asked for further testing.

 

I understand why you don't have faith that things will get better. You went from being fully functional to this in a week. I can't even imagine what that must have been like. You mentioned running in your thread, and I felt it when you wrote: "I just want to run. I feel I can deal with the other symptoms and the whole 'it takes time' theory. I cant deal with not being able to run." I used to be a runner too.
   But in case you are getting tired of not feeling hope:  I find it helpful to ask myself why I choose to feel the way I do, in what way am I benefiting from this choice?  I eventually noticed that my pessimism had a lot to do with fear of disappointment, and sometimes fear of living in the real world after being in a chemical bubble for so long. The thought of getting myself back after all those years triggered all kinds of emotions. Feeling hope can be painful.

   That is probably not a problem for you, but maybe there are other reasons for you to choose to feel pessimistic.

 

I hope you start to see your first improvements soon. It's much easier to stay positive when things are moving in the right direction, no matter how slow. I will definitely check your thread now and then and follow your progress!

 

Aurorax

 

 

[LostRunner]

Thank you @Aurorax for your kind replies, you seem like such a lovely thoughtful person. 

 

Yes its been very horrific. It's so strange how similar our symptoms are. its frustrating that testing is so limited and more cant be done when you're at your worst, just like yeah its something to do with the CNS... bye! Very helpful. The spine shaking definitely scares me the most as I can't imagine how it's going to stop. eurgh. Do you think you could ever run again?

 

I cant imagine what it must have been like to rediscover yourself after the chemical bubble. Must be very strange and scary after a long time on these meds. I'm definitely struggling to have hope as I've lost so much and can't imagine that it will come back. That seems like a fairytale. I hope every day that I don't wake up tomorrow which isn't a nice place to be at all. I've never in my life felt that way before. I started the year with health and was walking and running fine and now i'm just a vibrating wreck. I feel very guilty and silly that I did this to myself! I really was so naive and didn't realise how destructive these drugs were. 

[Leila]

Aurorax, for me you are a kind of mythological creature! When I red your story I can feel all the suffering and you touch me, especially when you talked about your ‘old-you’ and ‘new-you’. I don’t know how you tolerate all this adverse fate. I’m in the middle of withdrawal (9 months off) and I often think about restore my drug... I’m half functional and I feel lot of pain. If I can ask, you mentioned muscle tension and anxiety...For me these are two of the worst issues (muscle tension sometimes led to burning or pian nerves)... How do you copy with these?

I can only image how is restart a new life with this awareness that maybe connect more with human being but also it put a distance from who doesn’t experiment this.

You deserve to live the best life ever!

 

 

[bunchesofoats]

Wow @Aurorax, thank you for sharing your beautifully written and inspiring story. Your words touched me and brought tears. You expressed your experiences so poignantly. And I'm glad you were able to find words to express what many go through but have trouble expressing. Thank you for bravely walking this path and coming back to help others. It has helped me to read this. In particular, I'm going to print out these words of wisdom and keep your words nearby:

 

"You don't have to feel resilient or even hopeful to survive this. You only have to walk the distance no matter how you feel or where you believe you will end up. Make sure you have somewhere to live, eat, get some sleep if possible, and don't kill yourself. That's all you have to do. I know that's a full-time job at times, but you will get through this. You don't have to believe in healing, because healing is inevitable.

 

What you are feeling and thinking about yourself now says very little about who you really are and what your future holds. Hold on to the memory of who you were before the pills. You will be a wiser version of that person when all of this is over."

 

All the best to you.

 

[Aurorax]

Thanks for reading my story, @Longroadhome And thanks for your kind words.

 

I wish I had kept track of all my symptoms and when they started to improve, especially during the worst years, but I was too ill to do that.
   I believe I had akathisia 24/7 to some degree during the first year off. I was usually too ill to pace, but I remember rocking back and forth a lot in the beginning before I was too weak to do that. I also remember constantly moving hands, feet, and jaw (chewing movements), rubbing arms and legs, and so on. I was usually much more paranoid, delusional, and suicidal when I had more severe akathisia.

 

I don't remember when akathisia first started to improve, but I have found old forum posts where my ex-fiancee tries to get help to calm it down. People there suggested various drugs but warned against it too. I don't remember taking anything.
   According to her posts:  
   9 months: I seem to have my first week with no or very mild akathisia, but I'm on Alimemanize at this point (had severe insomnia). Still very ill.
   10 months: No longer on Alimemazine. She writes that I can't be still at all, that my legs are kicking involuntarily, and that I want to die.
   11 months: I still have akathisia, my legs are still kicking, still intense nausea nonstop, insomnia, severe stomach pain, and around 100 other symptoms. She writes that I refuse to see doctors, but that I'm too ill to think clearly. I'm just laying down with eyes closed 24/7, surviving moment by moment. People on the forum discuss what drugs to start to end the torture if we decide to admit defeat. (I had no idea it was still this bad one year off. So thankful she stood her ground and refused to take me to the hospital.)
   12 months: She is posting the first positive update. I'm still very ill, but there are noticeable improvements. Akathisia is no longer acute. All symptoms are still there but not as intense. The window lasts at least four weeks. I don't know what happened to the akathisia after that because she threw me out a few days later. But I have no memory of severe akathisia after leaving my home.
   I must still have had mild akathisia on and off at year 4-5 because I have clear memories of pacing obsessively and sitting and rubbing my thighs after moving to my apartment. The intense torment was gone. It was just this compulsive inner drive to move in certain ways.

 

I never had the floaty boat-feeling. But my balance was a bit off, and I remember that I was walking like I was a little drunk.

 

I like your alias. It is a long road home sometimes, but what a feeling when you get there.
   I spent yesterday with my new friends, and I wish I could explain to them how amazing it is for me to sit there and laugh and talk. It's almost as if all those years in wd hell and struggeling to have a home of my own again are just a dark movie I've seen. Was that really me?

 

Aurorax

 

[Aurorax]

@Deepu, you had some important questions that I wanted to answer:

 

Why did I start an SSRI?

 

The reason I started Paxil at age 19 was that I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I started experiencing intense fear and unbearable emotional pain out of nowhere, which made me feel like I was losing my mind.

  I see many reasons for this that I didn't see back then. One of those reasons was witnessing a friend almost getting killed in an accident. He was hit by a car driving 45 mph and broke his back and skull. I sat by his side on the ground while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He was unresponsive, his body was jerking, and he was bleeding from his head. He had suffered a severe traumatic brain injury, was close to death, and immediately put into a medically induced coma.  

  I was unable to talk to anyone about what I had witnessed, and I shut off emotionally for a long time. That was probably the main culprit for the intense fear and emotional pain I experienced 18 months later.

  I wrote in my diary shortly after the accident that I, too, wanted to be put into a coma to take the pain away, and I guess that's what I eventually achieved with Paxil.

 

Is my original problem cured now that I'm back to normal?

 

Yes, the problems I faced when I was 19 are gone. I know some of you have had problems since childhood and fear that those issues will come back if you quit your drugs. I believe this fear may be unwarranted for a lot of people.

  I had felt depressed and had suicidal thoughts several times from age 15 to 19. I had quite severe problems with anxiety on and off as a kid. That has not prevented me from feeling well as an adult, without CBT or meditation or spiritual awakening, or close and caring friends or the love of my life or other things that we sometimes tend to think we need to be happy without drugs.

  Why? Because I'm an adult now. I'm aware of my needs and are free to choose how I spend my time and which people I allow into my life. I can choose a life I enjoy, instead of having to live a life that makes me depressed. You might find that you are free to do the same once you are off your drugs.

 

I want to point out that I don't believe my previous posttraumatic stress contributed to making my wd so severe. I had almost no physical wd symptoms the first time I tried to come off despite severe anxiety, even after five months of use and a very fast taper. Symptoms got increasingly worse after every failed attempt. I believe my long term use and the kindling effect are the main reasons I eventually had to go through such a severe wd.

 

Can SSRIs cure our problems?

 

No, I don't believe SSRI/SNRIs can cure anything. Antidepressants are just drugs, like alcohol or morphine. Drugs can be useful to numb emotional or physical pain, but that always comes at a cost. I think the risk/benefit ratios for SSRI/SNRSs are particularly unimpressive.

 

Aurorax

[Longroadhome]

24 minutes ago, Aurorax said:

Thanks for reading my story, @Longroadhome And thanks for your kind words.

 

I wish I had kept track of all my symptoms and when they started to improve, especially during the worst years, but I was too ill to do that.
   I believe I had akathisia 24/7 to some degree during the first year off. I was usually too ill to pace, but I remember rocking back and forth a lot in the beginning before I was too weak to do that. I also remember constantly moving hands, feet, and jaw (chewing movements), rubbing arms and legs, and so on. I was usually much more paranoid, delusional, and suicidal when I had more severe akathisia.

 

I don't remember when akathisia first started to improve, but I have found old forum posts where my ex-fiancee tries to get help to calm it down. People there suggested various drugs but warned against it too. I don't remember taking anything.
   According to her posts:  
   9 months: I seem to have my first week with no or very mild akathisia, but I'm on Alimemanize at this point (had severe insomnia). Still very ill.
   10 months: No longer on Alimemazine. She writes that I can't be still at all, that my legs are kicking involuntarily, and that I want to die.
   11 months: I still have akathisia, my legs are still kicking, still intense nausea nonstop, insomnia, severe stomach pain, and around 100 other symptoms. She writes that I refuse to see doctors, but that I'm too ill to think clearly. I'm just laying down with eyes closed 24/7, surviving moment by moment. People on the forum discuss what drugs to start to end the torture if we decide to admit defeat. (I had no idea it was still this bad one year off. So thankful she stood her ground and refused to take me to the hospital.)
   12 months: She is posting the first positive update. I'm still very ill, but there are noticeable improvements. Akathisia is no longer acute. All symptoms are still there but not as intense. The window lasts at least four weeks. I don't know what happened to the akathisia after that because she threw me out a few days later. But I have no memory of severe akathisia after leaving my home.
   I must still have had mild akathisia on and off at year 4-5 because I have clear memories of pacing obsessively and sitting and rubbing my thighs after moving to my apartment. The intense torment was gone. It was just this compulsive inner drive to move in certain ways.

 

I never had the floaty boat-feeling. But my balance was a bit off, and I remember that I was walking like I was a little drunk.

 

I like your alias. It is a long road home sometimes, but what a feeling when you get there.
   I spent yesterday with my new friends, and I wish I could explain to them how amazing it is for me to sit there and laugh and talk. It's almost as if all those years in wd hell and struggeling to have a home of my own again are just a dark movie I've seen. Was that really me?

 

Aurorax

 

Thank you for such a detailed reply . 
You are very kind to help others still in distress/WD

 

LRH

[Aurorax]

Thanks for reading my long story, @bunchesofoatsYour comment means a lot to me, more than you think. I feel honored that you want to keep my words nearby.

 

The last time I wrote in English was in high school 20 years ago, so it's a real challenge. I still feel very limited. But it's a useful skill to have, and I know I'll never get a better reason to learn than this.

 

I see you're from L.A. I have a family member that moved there many years ago. Visting him was one of my goals during recovery, and I finally spent three weeks there last autumn. It almost feels like a second home to me now, and I hope to go back there when the pandemic is over. Who knows, maybe we get the chance to meet one day and celebrate our drug-free lives?

 

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

 

Aurorax

 

 

[Aurorax]

Thank you so much for your comment, @Leila. If I could turn myself into a mythological creature, then I would choose the Phoenix:

 

There is a bird in love with its death
 Who, for the sake of a new beginning
 Will burn itself alive

 

Adunis (Syrian poet)

 

I read through your Introduction tread, and I love your description of wd: …/ this unbearable sensation like my brain is like an electronic control unit that goes crazy /…/

   Don't let your brain trick you into giving in. You are 9 months out and have the worst time behind you. One thought that helped me break my addiction was to treat Paxil like a street drug. I had so many seemingly convincing arguments on why I would have to reinstate. Thinking that way helped me see those for what they were. The words and concepts we use are crucial for how we interpret our experiences and what decisions we make.
   I know you are under a lot of pressure now, but it seems like you have experienced a few windows. That's a good sign!

 

I never found a way to get rid of the muscle tension and pain. But the following helped me avoid building up more and more tension/pain over time: Massage, warm baths, manual osteopathic treatment, stretching, exercising in a warm pool, yoga, nail mat, releasing emotions, and laying on my back on the floor and ground myself 20 minutes before bed. Topical magnesium can be worth trying too.
   I still do all of these things regularly, but not as often as before.

 

My only strategy to handle my anxiety was to ignore it. I treated my emotions like they were an annoying background sound. (In the beginning, it was more like standing in front of big speakers blowing the windows out). I didn't have this ability during acute wd but was able to get there eventually. I realized that there was a difference between wd-anxiety, wd-paranoia, and my own fear, but I treated all emotions the same way.
   I'm slowly starting to invite my emotions again, but I don't think I'll ever be caught up in them the way I used to. I guess I lost trust in them after 20 years in a chemical rollercoaster.
   The wd anxiety disappeared more or less after 3,5 years. The muscle tension took much longer.

 

Yes, starting a new life is a challenge. I have longed for people to step into my world, instead of me always having to step into theirs. It was a very frightening place during those first years, but there were beautiful moments too. There are so many things I've seen and felt that most people would never understand.

   I try to accept that I live in "the ordinary world" now. I act as if I have always been here and as if I belong here, even though I often feel like a foreigner in my own country. I have told my new friends that I have been addicted to pills and have self-isolated for years. (That's an efficient way of getting rid of people that don't deserve my time.) That helps, but this experience is not just something I went through in the past. I don't know how to explain that I have lived my whole life as an adult in either Paxil-land or wd.

   Paxil-me burned to ashes in wd-hell just like the Phoenix, but my brain was still developing when I took that first pill, and I'm a different person than I otherwise would have been. Paroxetine is not just a drug to me, but a part of who I am, and it always will.

 

Aurorax

 

[Arti]

@Aurorax Hallo Aurorax your story let me cry you are a very strong Person all the best for you hope now you can Live !!

I am in the middle of hell i took paxil for 17 years and quit it two times too fast after reinstate in feb 2019 many things still were very Bad so i thougt cannot tollerate paxil and i got second Time Too fast off, a Big mistake i fight Daily for  survive. My Main issues is insomnia sleep never came completely back even after reinstate. 

I was a very good sleeper 40 years of my Life and with the first too fast reduction sleep was gone und never come back. Then doctors added other drugs wich made every Thing worse.

It makes mes Crazy that i have no feel for sleep it is ugly i cannot feel natural tiredness even if i sleept Not or days Not much. 

Sometimes i am so exhaust that i fall in something i Call it trance most in Front of Television in the evening i dont know what happend but It must be some Kind of microsleep

I registrate that i Miss Television Programm sometimes i recognize that eyes closed and then become anxiety and eyes open again,  sometimes i See daydream or visions Mixed with tv Programm it is so scarry . And when i close eyes From my own sleept did Not come the opposite i got anxiety. 

I have so much fear that i never could sleep again  like a normal human i think something got wrong in the brain and its damaged 

Without sleep no healing is possible. 

What you explained with the akathisia i have the same no Rest is possible the whole day, legs are moving, arms moving through the face or i have to hit the wall or table.

Move From left to right etc. And the worst is the inner akathisia like the devil Life inside me.

You said your sleep  improved within the first 3 years. Could you feel Nature tiredness ? 

And how was is after 3 years and today are you able to make a nap i the noon?

Thanks for you story it give hope! But i have lost all hope i am in withdrawl From too fast paxil tapper and still 2 drugs wich make me sick

Good bless you!

 

 

 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

5 hours ago, Aurorax said:

There is a bird in love with its death
 Who, for the sake of a new beginning
 Will burn itself alive

 

Adunis (Syrian poet)

 

Aurorax

 

This is a great statement! I am so happy you are doing much better! We don't just survive, we thrive! 

[Aurorax]

I understand that you are angry at yourself for trusting the wrong person, @LostRunner I have felt the same. I started Paxil even though I didn't trust the doctors. That's an even worse decision. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it's a good thing to talk ourselves out of feeling this way. Blaming ourselves means we are taking full responsibility for the choices we make. That is how we grow. I also don't believe in drowning these emotions with positive thinking. Sometimes we have to sit with the pain until we are done feeling that way. It's a good thing as long as we treat ourselves with kindness and respect.
   I feel zero regrets or self-blame today. Lately, I've even felt deeply thankful I had the opportunity to go through all of this. There is no shortcut to this kind of acceptance.

 

Yes, I will run again! I started practicing a few weeks ago. My muscle tone is still a bit off, but it feels so much better than when I tried and failed a few years ago. I was actually ready to take up running a year ago, but I had a tick bite and got Lyme disease. Lyme felt very different from wd, but it made me realize how far I had come and how many things I had started to take for granted. My Dr. seemed surprised I was so calm when I still had a headache, fatigue, and a stiff neck after treatment. (Lyme can cause permanent neurological damage) I could no longer tolerate exercising. Yes, I had moments of fear, but I could put it aside and decide to wait 12 months before worrying. All the symptoms were gone by then.
   That is just one example of how useful the coping skills we are forced to learn during wd/adverse reactions are. It's also proof that our bodies can become resilient again. I had no problems beating Lyme and tolerating two courses of strong antibiotics.

 

Just keep going, no matter how hopeless things feel right now. Every day that passes is one day closer to you being able to run again!

 

Aurorax

[LostRunner]

Thank you @Aurorax I feel like you really understand where I’m coming from thank you or your words. I think sitting with pain is useful too. You’ve processed your pain and don’t experience regrets or self blame and that’s brilliant. Wow to be thankful as well.. its so impressive you could get to that place. I’m literally in awe of you! The fact you’ve just casually been through Lyme too! I hope you can run again soon. 

[Aurorax]

Thanks for reading my story, @Arti Your words mean a lot to me.  

   I understand your struggle. I, too, felt as if my ability to sleep was gone. I could go month after month with just a few hours of sleep here and there. I was exhausted and sometimes felt as if I was barely conscious, but still couldn't sleep. Magnesium supplements helped but didn't solve the problem.  
     No, I don't think I could feel natural tiredness in the first year off. I saw improvements in year 2 and was much better after 3 years. Sleep was not back to normal, but I could sleep every night. I started sleeping very well in year 4 and had no problems taking naps at noon in year 5. I believe I've been more or less back to normal for several years now.

   I tried various sleeping pills, and I believe that was a wise choice during acute wd. But I eventually realized that I had to get off all drugs to heal, even if that meant zero sleep for several days in a row.

 

I feel for you, Arti. I wish I could take your insomnia and akathisia away. I've been in a similar situation, but managed to push through and get to the other side, and so will you! The first 12 months off was pure hell, but things slowly started to improve after the one year mark. Never give up!

 

You can PM me anytime if you need support

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

Yes, we do! So happy you are doing much better, too, @Cocopuffz17

 

I read your Success Story. I didn't have alopecia, but I lost about 50% of my hair on Paxil. It grew back once I was off, during acute wd. I was also diagnosed with autoimmune diseases. The symptoms of Psoriatic arthritis (very likely a misdiagnosis) disappeared as soon as I was off the drug. My iritis disappeared 3 or 4 years ago.

   I refused to medicate my "rheumatic disease" or to take the painkillers they offered me (opioids). I was already numbing my emotions with Paxil and couldn't stand the thought of numbing my physical pain too. I changed my diet, I tried everything I could come up with to heal myself, but I kept deteriorating. I was very close to give up and start the opioids when I finally realized what was going on with me.

 

I love that you posted pictures of yourself. We need to remind the public that we are not just aliases on a forum or numbers in some statistics. We are real people that could have been killed by these drugs. Maybe one day I'll too be brave enough to post before and after photos of myself.

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

Thank you, too @LostRunner ❤️

[Cocopuffz17]

On 10/11/2020 at 4:31 AM, Aurorax said:

Yes, we do! So happy you are doing much better, too, @Cocopuffz17

 

I read your Success Story. I didn't have alopecia, but I lost about 50% of my hair on Paxil. It grew back once I was off, during acute wd. I was also diagnosed with autoimmune diseases. The symptoms of Psoriatic arthritis (very likely a misdiagnosis) disappeared as soon as I was off the drug. My iritis disappeared 3 or 4 years ago.

   I refused to medicate my "rheumatic disease" or to take the painkillers they offered me (opioids). I was already numbing my emotions with Paxil and couldn't stand the thought of numbing my physical pain too. I changed my diet, I tried everything I could come up with to heal myself, but I kept deteriorating. I was very close to give up and start the opioids when I finally realized what was going on with me.

 

I love that you posted pictures of yourself. We need to remind the public that we are not just aliases on a forum or numbers in some statistics. We are real people that could have been killed by these drugs. Maybe one day I'll too be brave enough to post before and after photos of myself.

 

Aurorax

 

Thanks! I felt at one point I would never feel better and I just hung on to the story's of the strong individuals on here that got through it! 

 

That is very interesting that we had a very similar hair loss on the same drug. That is awesome of you to not give in and fight through! I also almost went on an immunosuppressant but refused as I did not want to be on two drugs for life. Now I am on none! 

 

Thanks, a picture is 1000 words! You will get there one day! You have helped so many people!  All the best to you!! 

 

-Coco