Aurorax: Severe protracted Paxil withdrawal - Finally free!

[Aurorax]

Thanks, @Cocopuffz17 You are an inspiration. All the best to you, too! ❤️

 

Aurorax

[Cocopuffz17]

21 hours ago, Aurorax said:

Thanks, @Cocopuffz17 You are an inspiration. All the best to you, too! ❤️

 

Aurorax

Thank you! You as well! You are helping more people then you will ever know!  

[Pawlove]

Aurorax, I keep coming back to your posts and rereading. Plus I am copying bits of what you say and putting them in messages on benzo buddies. I tell them about the coolest young girl from Sweden who had the most amazing story and is an amazing writer. I have told you before how much you are helping but I keep being amazed at your thoughtful and detailed answers to everyone who reaches out to you. It is such a gift!

 

I am friends with a lady from Sweden on BB who is 4 years into her benzo wd recovery and is not having any windows. From my benzo wd and my failed past paxil wd I can say that the sxs from both are interchangeable. It worries me for her to be so weak, to have so little quality of life and all the crazy sxs that can come along with this but your success story gave me great hope for her. I sent her your entire success story and I pray she reads it. Thank you again, a gazillion times, for caring for all of us! My scale has arrived today and I am ready to get this paxil wd going. I had a friend mention today that pills don't have the same amount of med dispersed through them so if some is removed the remainder doesn't necessarily have the assumed dose. That throws another monkey wrench into the equation! I am still conflicted about water or scale... I will ask the moderators. When I started my xanax taper I was obsessed with it being exact to the .001 mg. An experienced guy told me that it didn't have to be that precise. I just needed to gradually take a tiny bit less. I have got to get my plan and OCD self calmed down about it. 

[Aurorax]

Thank you so much, @Pawlove. Your words mean a lot to me. You see, I'm the kind of person who would never use social media, always uses a VPN, and prefers to pay with cryptocurrencies. In other words, I value privacy.  I'm also a perfectionist, especially when it comes to writing. And here I am, posting all this deeply personal content, written in a language that is still new to me. You have no idea how long I stared at the button before finally clicking and posting my Success Story.  
   Comments like yours convince me that I made the right decision, no matter what will happen. I'm starting to feel that I don't even care if everyone I know reads these posts and find out about everything. I'm done feeling shame.

 

Thanks for spreading my words on BB. I hope your friend and others there can find some hope in my story.

 

On 10/15/2020 at 11:12 PM, Pawlove said:

My scale has arrived today and I am ready to get this paxil wd going.

 

I love your attitude. You make wd sound like a party. I almost want to join lol

 

Can't wait to follow your progress!

 

Aurorax

[Pawlove]

Oh wow..... that's so funny! I should get that attitude... a paxil withdrawal party! 😀 I am so conflicted. As I do better and better post other wds I am wondering if I really want to rock the boat. But I have to know. I want to get real emotions back. Thank you so much for your support! I too am a perfectionist, always proof read my posts (although I miss some booboos) and also keep that VPN on. If I was your age and knew how I am sure I would use the cryptocurrency.  I am still so private. Only a few people know anything about my xanax wd. Very few people knew I was so sick because of paxil wd when I had the failed CT. Having the pancreas issue gives me cover when I am sick. I am with you in knowing that getting rid of the shame in being sick from meds we took and the actions along the way is absolutely the healthy attitude. I was raised to hide all emotions and am basically a people pleaser but your writing is helping me think about all of that. 💕

[Aurorax]

Thanks, @Pawlove ❤️

 

I could write pages about getting rid of shame... Maybe next time!

 

I understand your thoughts about not rocking the boat. I don't have enough knowledge about this, but I assume getting rid of all the other drugs means your body might metabolize Paxil more efficiently? Maybe it's wise to let your body settle down for a while.   
   I was in a very different situation than you are now, my boat was already sinking, and I had to get out. I believe it was too late to regain stability for me.
   If I were you, knowing what I know today, then I would wait a little longer. Maybe celebrate getting rid of so many drugs and enjoy feeling better for a few more months. Gain more knowledge, educate the people close to you, make detailed plans for various scenarios…And then maybe start the new year with a very slow taper, less than 5%. It's better to taper too slow than to end up in a situation where you have to reinstate and stabilize.

 

To everyone reading this that is considering to get off these drugs:
   Please don't make my mistake. Don't put yourself in a situation where you get desperate and start running for the exit and end up running through months and years of unimaginable hell because it's too late to reinstate. Not only for your own sake but for the people that will have to take care of you and maybe even make life or death decisions for you. It's a deeply traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

 

Aurorax

[Erell]

Hello Aurorax,

 

First let me thank you for sharing your story : you sound like an amazing and beautiful woman. I'm so glad you found the strenght to hang on, you really spread light and wiseness here.

And so happy that you healed enough to build the life you want and need now. You deserve it so much ! ❤

 

I wanted to ask you a question : during your healing journey, did you feel like you needed to be proactive ?

I don't really know how to express right in English...😉

 

I suffer from quite awful intrusive thoughts, and intense neuroemotions. I know that time is the great healer, but I also often wonder if I'm doing 'enough' to help neuroplasticity, enough selfcare. In the meantime, there are days while I feel like I can't do any efforts.

I also often wonder how much those symptoms "print" in CNS and if they really fade as healing come or if we need to be proactive.

 

For example, violent intrusive thoughts appeared this year, and I often wonder if this kind of symptom fade naturally with the healing process or if the repetitive aspect creates new habits and need to be worked on.

 

Don't know if it's clear 😄

 

I know that every journey is individual, and that there are no magic bullet, I'm just curious about your experience and your thoughts. 

 

Of course, answer only if you want to.

 

Send you big hugs, thank you for writing your Success Story, and wish you a delightful day ☀️

[Waiting]

Brilliant - thanks for posting!👋

[Aurorax]

Thank you so much for your kind words, @Erell ❤️

 

These are very interesting questions. I'm going to give them a few days of thought before posting.

 

 

Thanks for reading my story, @Waiting!

 

 

Aurorax

[Pawlove]

I can't tell you how much you last advice eased my mind. I have procrastinated starting the taper and I feel there are reasons for that. I have done so extremely well with the LDN/CBD oil but if I mess up my diet, eat sugar or any number of other excesses, I end up feeling really bad and having the pain return. Not to the degree it did before and not needing pain med but I think I do need to stabilize for a while. Starting a very slow taper after the holidays sounds like the best route. I kept thinking I would study the scale and haven't done it. But soon enough. Your presence on this site has been a gift to so many of us and I will follow along as I get ready to start my journey. Thanks so much!!!  💖

[Melissa5000]

Thank you for writing your long and detailed recoverystory! I read every single word.

It is so good to read about recovery from a severe protracted withdrawal case.

 

This gives me hope. I am still on a small dosis of my meds. I can't go down anymore. I am allready in protracted withdrawal from my taper and I am not even off my meds. 

I know I will have a long way to go....

 

You were so unwell in early withdrawal..... It gives hope that someone did survive it and recovered from those brutal symptoms. 

 

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aurorax]

Hi again, @Erell!

 

Yes, I needed to be proactive. But whether that's necessary or not probably depends on what symptoms you have and for how long.
   Let's consider muscle weakness. I was more or less bedridden for several years. There's no way I could get up from that bed and carry on as before Paxil, even if my wd muscle weakness had disappeared from one day to another. I no longer had the same body as before. I had lost a lot of my muscle mass, balance, and coordination.
   We must distinguish between wd symptoms and the consequences of the wd. A person waiting to be back to normal after being bedridden for a long time is probably waiting in vain. I've spent ridiculous amounts of time building muscles, stretching to get rid of the tension, and also practicing coordination and balance. I did it myself in the beginning, and later on, I hired a PT for a while. It's common to lose confidence in our bodies after physical trauma. I found it very useful to have someone that challenged me to do things I had lost hope that I could ever do again. But at the same time, we have to wait until we have healed enough to do this. It was a gradual process over several years for me, where I continue to add more challenges.

 

My intrusive thoughts were a very different story. I,too, felt like I was programming myself into thinking this way, yet there was nothing I could do to stop these thoughts. In the end, I didn't do anything about them, and as the years went by, they disappeared.
   I believe it's useful to be proactive if these thoughts cause anxiety, though. We can work on how we feel about thinking this way. I remember reading on PP that someone said "Paxil thoughts" to herself every time they appeared, and then she ignored them. I found that very useful.
   I still have random, weird thoughts occasionally, but it's rare nowadays, and I don't pay much attention to it. I used to be a sensitive person, but by now, I've "seen" so many horrific things that I don't care as much as I used to.
   
I'm not sure if or how much conscious effort is needed to heal wd in general. I used to beat myself up for not being calm enough, afraid that I wouldn't heal unless I managed to get my stress levels down. But panic and feelings of impending doom are often wd symptoms in themselves. I eventually decided that I was going to heal even if I felt anxious 24/7. One thing that helped me was the realization that I kept improving even after losing everything. (Fiancee, home, dog) I was in shock and severe distress, but my body kept healing. I found that very reassuring.
   That doesn't mean that self-care makes no difference. I'm 100% sure it does. But sometimes we have to accept that we are too ill to do anything more than surviving the moment, and that's ok. I'm the kind of person who enjoys optimizing everything, so I've spent a lot of time improving my diet and my lifestyle in general. If and how much that helped is impossible to tell. I wish we had more research available to help us make the right priorities.
    But I don't think I would be where I am today if I had spent the last years on a sofa watching TV and eating junk food, or if I had decided to see myself as a helpless victim, damaged for life.

 

On 10/25/2020 at 3:04 PM, Erell said:

I also often wonder how much those symptoms "print" in CNS and if they really fade as healing come or if we need to be proactive.

 

I've been thinking about this lately. I struggle with conditioned withdrawal, which means I experience a few of my wd symptoms when reminded about Paxil and the way I used to feel while on it. (Think Pavlov's dogs) It's not like I'm back in wd again, but it still causes problems. My arms and legs become weak, and my feet numb, making it more challenging to walk and stand upright. I sometimes feel out of breath too. There is no anxiety or emotional distress, but usually cravings and sometimes a feeling of excitement.
   I've realized this is a common problem among former drug addicts, but I'm curious to know if people who only had the physical dependence also experience this? Or am I causing this by having the wrong attitude? And if this is a problem also among people here who only had physical dependence, how do we get rid of it? I'm much better now than in the beginning, but it's still there after all these years.

  I have had this idea of exposing myself to my triggers all day until I have re-programmed myself completely, and I started reading about it after your question. It turns out there is something called Cue exposure therapy. Unfortunately, research does not seem to support that it's helpful. But I'm not sure if they measure actual conditioned withdrawal symptoms or only relapse rates, which are two very different things. (People with severe conditioned withdrawal are more likely to reinstate, though) I just recently started to go through the research, so I don't have any answers yet. But I plan to use myself as a guinea pig and see what happens. I'm even thinking about getting fake pills that I can cut and ingest.
   Maybe I should post a question about this in the symptoms and self-care section? Others here might know much more about this than I do.

 

I want to point out to everyone reading this that there is no way you will get stuck in eternal acute wd because of some kind of conditioned behavior. I'm talking about a few wd symptoms that appear when exposed to triggers. It's a rapid onset of symptoms from one moment to the next, so If you have this, you probably already noticed this very apparent pattern.

 

This post is getting long, so to summarize:

 

I believe we should do everything we can to improve our lifestyle and our lives in general and be kind to ourselves when we are unable to do so.
   I'm a very independent person today, but there was a time when taking responsibility for my life seemed like an impossible task, and my cognitive problems and wd-emotions were a large part of that. Sometimes we need to accept that we are more or less helpless at the moment and that it takes time rebuilding our skills and confidence in ourselves.
   It's also important to say that we have to define our own success. Part of being proactive is to show ourselves and our emotional needs respect, even if that means making unconventional choices. I want and need to live a life that's very different from what society expects of a woman my age. Being successful in our own lives sometimes means being viewed as a failure by others.

 

Aurorax

 

[Erell]

@Aurorax : your answer is full of interesting and intense thoughts.

I need some time to process it, but I wanted to thank you : first for the time you took to answer, then for being very so "present"/engaged in your answer.

I imagine that, maybe, looking to the past, searching your memories and questionning your heart might not always be easy after such a journey, I really do appreciate ❤

 

Thank you, and please, take care of the amazing woman you are ❤

[Aurorax]

Your post made my day, @Pawlove So happy you found it helpful! ❤️

 

 

Thank you so much for your comment, @Melissa5000 Looking forward to reading your success story one day! 🦋

 

 

You are an inspiration, @Erell You are so kind and considerate, even though you are having such a rough time right now. I wish I could send you a long and beautiful window.❤️

 

 

Aurorax

[jamest]

sounds good man im happy for you i only took the stuff for 7 days and its been hell for a good month not easy coming off of the stuff

[Aurorax]

Thanks, @jamest. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

 

Aurorax

[jamest]

ya positve vibes

[gizmo]

I love reading your story, it's so reassuring. My main issues are cognitive - I have a hard time processing what people are saying and I can't easily respond with a sharp answer, so conversations are really difficult...i feel constantly mentally foggy. At what point would you say these symptoms cleared up for you? 

[Aurorax]

I'm so happy you find my story reassuring, @gizmo!

 

Yes, holding a conversation can be very difficult while having these symptoms. I remember that people had to repeat themselves all the time and talk slowly. Speaking at all was very difficult in the beginning. I was in a constant mental fog, too. These issues can cause a lot of anxiety. It's frustrating to be locked up inside your head, unable to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense to others.

It was a very gradual recovery for me, with windows and waves, better days and worse days. I met my ex-fiancee in year 7. She could tell I had made a lot of progress, but my problems were still noticeable to her. I still had to pay a lot of attention while listening on a bad day. I was a lot better a year later and probably more or less back to normal at year 10. It's highly unlikely your symptoms will last this long, but it's important to remember that things aren't permanent just because you have had them for a very long time.

Cognitive issues have been more of an annoyance than a real problem after year 7. I don't think I'm 100% back to normal, but my symptoms are no longer noticeable to others, and I have no problem listening to, let's say, a TED talk at double speed, even if it's in English. So absolutely no difficulties processing speech today.

 

Be kind to yourself and keep going. You will recover, but remember that you may not notice this yourself if your recovery is slow and linear. We tend to forget how bad it used to be as soon as we are doing better. 🦋

 

Aurorax

 

[Eliaseh]

Hello, thank u for this amazing post,

Gold patience.

One question please, you said temporary hearing loss was resolved,

did you got hearing loss as withdrawal after stopping paxil? And how much time did it took to be resolved? Can you explain more about it please? Because hearing loss can be also from brain auditory system and not only ear.

God bless you

[Aurorax]

Thanks for reading my story, @Eliaseh!

 

I never experienced complete hearing loss, but I couldn't hear certain sounds during brief periods. I believe it went away within 12 months after stopping Paxil. Other symptoms related to my hearing lasted several years, like sensitivity for sound.
   Some of these symptoms are hard to put in words. Sounds were sometimes distorted and blurry as if I was inside a glass jar, but at the same time too loud. They could echo in my head on bad days. Some sounds caused an unbearable sensation in my body. All my hearing problems except sound sensitivity came in waves and then disappeared again until they didn't come back.
   I'm pretty sure my symptoms came from my brain (wd) and not my ears. My hearing is ok now.

 

I don't know your story, but I know your wd symptoms will go away eventually. It's unlikely that it will take several years, but it's worth waiting for, even if it does. 🦋

 

Aurorax

 

[Eliaseh]

Thank u @Aurorax for your reply.

i took zoloft for 3.5 years, after 1.5 months of drug free, my ears clogged/pressure and nothing opened them, i went for ENT and did hearing test, came normal, no explanation. Then my ears opened after 1 week with woushing sound woushhhhhhhhhhh low frequency, it was crazy, and sound echo in my head, if i hear certain sound like computer mice click, tik tik tik i hear in my head/ears electric zaps ⚡️ wiz wiz wiz echo same time, and sensitive to sound, everything is high volume.

I have tons of withdrawals most of what you had especially muscles all over my body, sometimes I feel that the muscles around my ears are going to explode. But my ears problems: clogged/pressure on/off, ETD, ear itchy pain in them and tinnitus in head/ears are the worst, sometimes i hear well sometimes my head full of noise and can’t hear well, sometimes i hear the worlds but needs like 5 sec to know what i heard!!! I read that they found and were shocked that serotonin regulates brain auditory cells sensitivity. 

I am 9 months now, little improvement, i see 5 ENT, scanner/MRI and all of them said we have NO ANSWERS!!! Nothing found.

I don’t listen to loud music, I don’t use headphones, I don’t go concert, never had ear problems until stopped zoloft.

if only I knew these poison are the most destructively brain/body drugs ever. They destroyed my life, i had full health, now i am in hell, i am a victim of low serotonin lie theory.

i need to wait, can’t go back in time, thank u and god bless you. You gave me hope.

If there anything can help me, i will be thankful.

 

[Aurorax]

Thanks for your kind words, @EliasehThe symptoms you describe are very familiar to me. I had many of them too. I know 9 months feels like an eternity, but it's not that long. The good news is that you have the worst time behind you, and you will probably do a lot better within a year or even a few months/weeks.

 

I wish I knew anything that could help you, but the only thing that helped me was time and focusing on my future instead of my past. Try to see this time in your life as an opportunity instead of a failure or wasted time. We need adversities to develop our strengths. Going through wd is a chance to acquire skills that will make the rest of your life much better. Or at least that's my experience.

   You may want to check out my answer to Deepu regarding things I found helpful (page 2).

 

You are much stronger than you know, and you will get through this. ❤️

 

Aurorax

[Eliaseh]

Thank u @Aurorax

May God reward you!

I will write my story when i feel ready. 

[Believer]

Aurorax,

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story with all of us. I am not a social media person but I do check in here quite often (over the past five years of my journey) and wanted to tell you how much hope your success story provides. I am so happy for you that you have reached a place of peace after such a long and arduous journey. Congratulations and thanks for coming back to answer questions and share your thoughts and experiences. It’s so meaningful to those of us still muddling through.

[Aurorax]

Thanks @Eliaseh! Looking forward to reading your success story one day! ❤️

 

 

Thank you so much for your comment @BelieverIt means a lot to know that you find hope in my story. Your patience and perseverance will pay off. 🦋

 

 

Aurorax

 

[Erell]

With Aurorax's permission, here are some questions she kindly agreed to answer when she'll have time, about intrusive thoughts  :

 

 

- did you feel the 'physical' part of it, the physical impulse ?

I'm afraid to ask because I see people talking about thoughts but not about this "physical" part of it.

 

- how did you learn to deal with uncertainty, the possibility of loosing control or going insane ?

Like, you know who you are but you don't know what WD can lead you to do.

 

- you also mentionned that this symptom was one of the first to leave you : would you agree to share a bit the pattern of your recovery from this symptom ?

Did it sometimes fade or was it more a constant thing?

 

Thank you again for agreeing to share your experience ❤

 

Have fun with your seedlings 🌱

Edited April 25, 2021 by Erell

[Raindays]

Dear Aurorax:

  I was so fortunate today to find your success story. What a journey/ordeal you have experienced. I am glad you are improved. I was on antidepressants and benzos for over 25 years. I have been off for almost two years. I have not seen much improvement.

   I tried many times to stop taking them but withdrawal was terrifying. Because I had such a dreadful time, the doctors said I must need them. I finally was able to stop but I think the drugs caused much harm. I don't feel right. I have many physical and mental issues that scare me. Would you be willing to correspond with me if I have questions? It is so debilitating and I haven't found a doctor that understands what withdrawal from antidepressants is like. I have to be brave because no one understands and I am scared. If you don't want to correspond with me thats ok. I will save your story as an inspiration for when it feels like can't go on anymore. Congratulations. 

[Aurorax]

Thanks for reading my story,@Raindays. And congratulations for managing to come off benzos and Effexor after 25 years. That's an impressive feat. I know it may not feel like something to celebrate right now, but you have the worst two years behind you, and things will only get better from now on. I was still terribly ill on year two and still recovered, and so will you.

 

Just tag me in your posts if you have questions you want me to answer (you type @ and Aurorax). You can also ask questions about my recovery here in my thread or PM me. You can ask about anything. I'm not easily triggered, so feel free to write whatever you need to get off your chest.
   It usually takes a few days up to a week before I answer, but I appreciate all messages I get from people here, and I always reply eventually.❤️

 

Aurorax

 

[Raindays]

Thanks Aurorax, I would greatly appreciate corresponding with you in the future. 

[Aurorax]

Thanks for asking these questions,@Erell. I've read many of your posts. Your writing shows that you care a lot about not hurting anyone's feelings, so I can imagine that having thoughts about harming others is very painful for you.

 

I want to start by saying that this post is my uneducated thoughts, based on my own experiences and reading. It's not medical advice.

 

On 4/25/2021 at 11:31 AM, Erell said:

- did you feel the 'physical' part of it, the physical impulse ?

I'm afraid to ask because I see people talking about thoughts but not about this "physical" part of it.

 

Yes, I had the physical impulse, too, at least occasionally. I know others have had this as well. I, too, was terrified that I would somehow lose control over myself and act on these impulses. Not trusting oneself is a terrible feeling. I had never even imagined one could feel that way before going through wd. I remember thinking that I could never go back to trusting myself again after knowing what it's like to fear myself, but I did. And so will you.

 

You might have read in my success story that I harmed others during wd (hitting, biting). I want to clarify that this had nothing to do with intrusive thoughts. Those incidents happened early on in wd when I had akathisia. They were a result of despair and rage and of wanting to act on it. It didn't happen against my will, and I didn't have the compulsive thoughts at those moments. A few people, like me, become aggressive on these drugs or during wd, but that's not what you are describing. You don't need to be concerned as long as you don't want to hurt anyone.
   
I know, looking back, that there was never a risk that I would have acted on my intrusive thoughts. It just felt that way. The terror you feel when you get these thoughts and impulses shows that you don't want to do this, and you won't. Nothing will take control over your body and force you to do things against your will, even though it feels like that at times.

 

I know it feels like you will go crazy, but you won't. Wd can cause "psychosis" in rare cases, but what you experience now is not a sign of that. I write this as someone who has experienced both. I would not worry unless you are hallucinating or having "delusions".  It's also important to point out that it's rare that people hurt others during "psychosis".
   Yes, there is always a possibility that we go insane. That is true for everyone, drugs/wd or not, just like there is a possibility that you will get hit by lightning. The only thing we can do is try to accept this possibility, just like we do with all other unlikely events.

 

I can relate a lot to your fears regarding this. This particular wd symptom was actually the main reason I kept taking Paxil. I had two prior attempts to quit, and these thoughts were what made me think I "needed" my drug. I had no idea I was going through wd, and I thought they would go on forever.  
   I had all kinds of intrusive/repetitive thoughts, not just violent, but also completely neutral. I strongly sensed that they were not a part of me, with made me fear that I was going insane. No coping strategy worked: talking about them, writing about them, interpreting them, accepting them, ignoring them... I don't even want to think of how much time I spent trying to solve a 100% iatrogenic condition. The fact that nothing seemed to help at all made them even more frightening.

 

The last and successful attempt to quit that I write about in my success story was different. The intrusive thoughts were no longer my worst symptom as I now had this phobia towards people that I describe in my first post. I was also very ill and spent most of my time enduring intense nausea and various physical symptoms minute by minute.   
   One good thing about being this sick is that there is not much room for thinking. I guess the realization that the intrusive thoughts were a wd symptom was helping, too. By the time I had recovered enough to leave the bed and interact a little with others, the thoughts were already much less intense and frequent. I was also very emotionally shut off after the wd experience, so they didn't make me as upset anymore. It was more like listening to the radio. Or maybe they were less compulsive somehow.

 

On 4/25/2021 at 11:31 AM, Erell said:

- you also mentionned that this symptom was one of the first to leave you : would you agree to share a bit the pattern of your recovery from this symptom ?

   I don't have many memories from the three worst years (or maybe I don't want to remember right now), but I know they followed the windows and waves pattern. They behaved very much like the rest of my wd symptoms.

 

On 4/25/2021 at 11:31 AM, Erell said:

- how did you learn to deal with uncertainty, the possibility of loosing control or going insane ?

Like, you know who you are but you don't know what WD can lead you to do.

 

I wasn't afraid of going insane during my last and successful attempt to quit because I went somewhat insane without realizing it. I don't want to romanticize "psychotic" experiences as I know they can be very painful, but it's by far the most profound experience I've had in my life, and I'm very thankful for it. I continued to have occasional visual hallucinations and "paranoid delusions" for several years, but they never scared me, oddly enough.

 

There was a lot of uncertainty during wd. Would I function at all without drugs? Would I be tortured by nausea until I couldn't take it anymore? Would I ever be able to be in the same room as another human being again without feeling terror? Would I recover enough physically to have a home of my own again?
   There was no other choice but to accept that I didn't know what would happen to me. I don't really have any coping strategy to share other than a determination to keep going, no matter how I felt. I'm not good with emotions, so I just brute-force my way through hard times.

 

So what can be done? I don't think it's wise to try to analyze these throughs. They are most likely completely random and say nothing about us. But I believe (this is pure speculation) that suppressed emotions may make some thoughts seem more threatening. Someone not comfortable with anger may find violent impulses extra stressful. Someone uncomfortable with their sexuality may find thoughts of that nature threatening, and so on.  
   Is there perhaps some anger under the surface after all? You have tried to laugh at these thoughts, and to invite them. What if you asked them to **** off? You could have enjoyed life to the fullest, but here you are, having to battle wd after a drug that no one should prescribe to a teenager. You never asked for these thoughts, you have done nothing wrong, but here they are constantly interrupting you. I would be boiling with rage if I was you.
   Don't fear getting angry. See if you can somehow use that anger to your advantage. I know you can't force these thoughts to leave, but anger is a powerful force that can help us go on when we feel like we can't take it anymore.

 

Aurorax

[Erell]

Hello @Aurorax

 

I've read and re-read your post many times last days, thank you, really ❤

I printed some of your words  and it really does help me.

And I do hope it might help others too.

 

Not trusting oneself is indeed a terrible feeling, it is a relief to read that this trust can re-build as Wd gradually heal.

 

"Nothing will take control over your body and force you to do things against your will" : it might sounds like an evidence but wow it is so good to read. There are no words to describe the symptoms we discover during WD, that feeling of loosing ground, so yes it is amazing to read that kind of sentences. I've printed it, because my mind would like To ask again, to make sure I'll never act against my will 😉

 

 

I also saw one of your post to another member where you mention the fact that you're not easily triggered  : this was huge to read too ❤

It means that despite the darkness of WD, the loss of trust, the trauma of all this can heal gradually too.

And this is very inspiring and gives me a lot of hope  !

 

I can understand the terror of being with people. It is not constant in my case, but when it is even the presence of my cats or her eyes can full me with crazy surges of fear.

 

" I don't even want to think of how much time I spent trying to solve a 100% iatrogenic condition", ah you made me smile there ! And how much money...I've bought a lot of programs to retrain my thoughts, to practice CBT, being very studious.

Even if some tools and mantras help with the added fear or the way we react to symptoms, I realise that it's not effective when symptoms are iatrogenic : time will be the main healer, that's what people says.

It seems that in WD we have to build our own program, find the tools that help, and that can change everyday.

 

Oh and I hear you about physical symptoms not leaving room to thoughts.

Everytime I have intense symptoms like nauseas/headaches/blocked neck, I feel a sense of relief because pain distract from crazy thoughts or extreme fear, and I'm all busy to deal with pain. I always welcome physical pain with gratitude.

(Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna offend people who suffer from intense physical symptoms : I have no doubt about how hard it is, and I don't mean to say there are better symptoms than others. I know that every symptoms can be hard because of their intensity and  duration. This is just my experience).

 

 

And well, anger...you spot on !

I know I have a huge issue with anger, never been able to feel it or express it, and have always been quite frightened by it.

I've always run away from angry people and make sure I don't offend anybody.

So yes, these kind of intrusive thoughts are especially distressing.

It sounds nice to ask them to **** off...

I'll probably have to work on anger on my path, but I admitt for now, with intrusive thoughts, I fear anger too much.

 

Anyway, I'm a bit hijacking your thread here and I don't feel like my sentences are very clear, so I'll stop there, my main point was : THANK YOU ❤

 

I'm so glad you kept going, please thank the old Aurorax for me ! ☀️

[Raindays]

Thanks @Aurorax for taking the time to come back to help those of us who have trying hard to make sense of this trauma of prescription drug withdrawal. I will be off antidepressants for 2 years in June. I find it very hard to find enjoyment in living at times. I  feel like I keep getting new symptoms 😫 even this far in. I haven't seen a vast improvement in my quality of life. Fatigue is a huge problem for me but it has been since I stopped the drugs. It frightens me just how exhausted I can feel. I can find it hard to even summon the energy or will to go for a little walk but I must keep pushing you know? Muscle wasting is occurring. The more I sit the more I want to sit. But I have to say I do feel a little more energy seep into my body by the end of the day. It is a struggle. Was this an issue for you? I also suffer with muscle twitching and head shaking since I withdrew from antidepressants. My fear is that the taking away of the drugs have caused permanent brain injury because the receptors in my brain were damaged and shrunk by the years of bombardment of artificial serotonin etc. and haven't been able to regenerate. 

I have developed severe health anxiety as I worry terribly about my symptoms and what they could possibly mean. Death? Cronic illness? I am so frightened of doctors and medicine now that it is almost crazy. My body and mind have become untrustworthy to me - an enemy. I don't feel safe in my own skin. I don't recognize myself anymore. Where have I gone? Where is ME?

If you could @Aurorax, or if you don't mind remembering, were you still having frightening, debilitating symptoms at 2 years off antidepressants? If you could share with me what symptoms you can recall experiencing from that time period, I would find it very helpful. Thank you. 

[Aurorax]

I'm so happy you found it helpful, @Erell ❤️

 

On 5/9/2021 at 1:45 PM, Erell said:

Anyway, I'm a bit hijacking your thread here and I don't feel like my sentences are very clear, so I'll stop there,

 

No, you are not 🙂 I found it interesting to read about your experiences, and I'm sure others feel the same.

 

There is so much more I could write, but I'm too busy at the moment and will have to take a break from SA for a while. But I'm looking forward to following your journey and hope to continue this conversation in the future.

 

Aurorax

[Aurorax]

Hi again@Raindays!

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

I will be off antidepressants for 2 years in June. I find it very hard to find enjoyment in living at times.

 

This is normal during protracted wd. My first 2 years off were pure hell, so don't worry if you still can't enjoy living. You will get there.

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

I  feel like I keep getting new symptoms 😫

 

I didn't get new symptoms that far out, only the first months after my last dose. It could be a part of the recovery process or something else. I believe it's a good idea to visit a neurologist and an endocrinologist if one has symptoms for a long time. It's entirely possible to have both wd and other conditions, and you want to make sure you don't waste your time waiting in case there is something else going on. Consider asking for a Lyme test if you have spent time in an area with infected ticks.
 

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

Muscle wasting is occurring.

 

I know it's not always possible, but do everything you can to keep your muscle mass. It takes a long time and lots of work to regain it, so keep moving as much as you can, even if it's just a few minutes a day. You can add meal replacement to your diet if you are underweight and have a hard time eating.

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

Was this an issue for you?

 

Muscle weakness/low muscle tone was among my worst symptoms. I was bedridden for several years and struggled to sit up and stand on my feet. I was very disabled, but I'm fine now.

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

I also suffer with muscle twitching and head shaking since I withdrew from antidepressants. My fear is that the taking away of the drugs have caused permanent brain injury because the receptors in my brain were damaged and shrunk by the years of bombardment of artificial serotonin etc. and haven't been able to regenerate. 

 

This seems to be something almost all of us fear. We tend to think that we are the exception, the one that won't heal, and we have all kinds of arguments for why that is. But our bodies have an insane ability to regenerate, and you will get better and better with time, just like other people here. You don't even have to believe it. It will happen anyway. 🦋

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

I don't recognize myself anymore. Where have I gone? Where is ME?

 

It takes a while to get back to ourselves and get to know ourselves again, especially if we have been on drugs for many years. You are still there, just out of reach for the moment. You will be amazed to see how personality traits and skills you have forgotten that you had will start to come back. It's a fascinating process.

 

On 5/9/2021 at 5:57 PM, Raindays said:

If you could @Aurorax, or if you don't mind remembering, were you still having frightening, debilitating symptoms at 2 years off antidepressants? If you could share with me what symptoms you can recall experiencing from that time period,

 

This actually makes me smile. You see, I still had the majority of the 120 or so symptoms that I list in my first post. It's way easier to list the ones that had disappeared, so here you go: vomiting, internal bleeding, fever, severe akathisia, itching, fluid running from nose and mouth, heart racing when I'm trying to stand up on my feet, legs kicking, weight loss, not able to eat, passing out, weird attacks/blackouts, the whole body suddenly numb, can't walk, crying spells, feeling of impending doom, homicidal ideation, self-harm/harming others, aggression, panic, screaming, strange panic attacks during the night, wall bending.
 
All of the other symptoms in my list were still there but to a lesser degree. Some of them came and went, but I was still very sick after 2 years, too sick to have a home of my own.

 

Don't worry if you still feel miserable. Just keep going. 💪 ❤️
 
Aurorax

[Raindays]

@Aurorax, Thanks for your detailed reply to my questions. Wow.... you have been through a lot and have overcome so much! Ok.... I can cut myself some slack now. I am clearly not an exceptional case.

I just have to keep going with the hope I will be ok. I so appreciate you taking the time and energy to encourage me onward through this ordeal.  You are very gracious with your responses and so very honest ❤. 

Thank u