Woody1981: withdrawals from 10 years of multiple medications

[woody1981]

@VivaLaVida Yep, day by day. Swim, swim, swim. We appear to be in that “zone” that most go through in withdrawal. We recognise it and I sure as hell don’t want to live it! But it’s real and it won’t last forever. 

[woody1981]

13 hours ago, GVR91 said:

Keep swimming bro I swim with you..

Keep saying that to myself over and over

@GVR91 Cheers mate. Keep doing these things and I know we’ll both wake up one day and say to ourselves “thank #@&$ that’s over”.
I like to imagine myself saying it one day in the future, over and over. 

[woody1981]

On 6/24/2021 at 1:39 AM, GVR91 said:

Hey Woody, 

 

I saw in your attachment that you have GAD (maybe you don't have it anymore) but I have GAD too. I went to several therapist but couldn't get a finger on it. And it didn't work for me.

 

Recently I found a really really great book 'The Worry Trick' from David A. Carbonell.

It's not a book about a 'miracle trick' or something to get rid of all your worries. Or a stupid self-help book. But it explains in a great, funny and simplistic  way  how your brain tricks you into worrying again and again. This book gave me good tools to handle it and cope better. I'm very happy with this book and it's the only thing that worked for my GAD. So i thought I let you know because I saw GAD in your attachment. Maybe it can help you also. Also good to cope better with the withdrawal fears.

 

Cheers

@GVR91 Cheers mate. I will be sure to check it out.  

[woody1981]

Hey everyone. 
 

Today marks one year med free. I have been feeling okay the last three weeks. Tinnitus is still hanging around and the depression and ruminating is definitely still on-going but not to the extremes it was. Akathisia and gnarly SI is pretty much non existent (a little now and then on the extreme days) and I seem to just get mild Restless leg some nights which is much better then bad Aka. 
Knuckle joint pain is gone, dizziness gone, eczema on my face seems to be buggering off too. The bad days will always start with loud tinnitus and a heavy fatigue and while that sounds bad it’s nice to have some repetition in the waves with a few symptoms that I know how to deal with (as best I can) and it helps that the process is similar as it’s familiar and I know it goes away and then I have 3-4 ok days that let me consolidate. 
I had no thoughts/hopes of the future the last two years and now I’m day dreaming and planning things without even realising it, which is wonderful as it gives me some motivation and I don’t have a constant feeling of hatred and pain for being alive 24/7. 
So that sums it up for now. I’d say I’m 50-60% of my former self, which is we waaayyyy better then the 0% I felt when I first had my adverse reaction after reinstatement and subsequent poly

drugging/kindling in 2019 and 2020. I hope your all battling along successfully in your own way and remember to just put one foot in front of the other. I was desperate and absolutely broken at the start of this journey but we all heal in time. 
 

[Greatful]

@woody1981  Hi ran  through your thread.  I went through a very similar situation last summer and through the winter and spring.  Fast taper taper off of Prozac last summer which I crashed and started the on merry- go- round of trying to find a meds that would stop the pain.  I think I stopped and started 5 meds in 6 months.  So now I am going through w/d from Prozac, Zoloft, Seroquel and to fast a taper decreasing Lamital. I did end up on Lexapro which I should have stopped. I had horrible side effects but I was desperate for something to stop the pain.   Crappy Pdoc. decided at this time that he didn't think he could help me anymore and to go on a drug holiday and stop the lex.  I did a quick taper to 5mg of lex and ask for advice from SA was told to hold and stabilize.  Here I sit. Struggling  with depression, anxiety, social phobia and my brain is in a buzzing electrical war all day, to mention a few of the w/d.  

I have a few days were I feel there is hope then the wave hits.  I hate the depression.  

 

It is encouraging that you are progressing and healing.  When you say  your time line, do you go by the last ct of Paxil July 2020?  

It as been 8 months since  Prozac ct  and 4 months since the ct of Seroquel (only on for 6 weeks enough for wd)  CT of Seroquel almost made me delusional. Worried the birds might talk to me, the wind might be a voice of a man, feeling like I something around me I should be afraid of.  It was hard to go outside for awhile.  These crappy meds do a lot of damage to our systems.

Thanks for letting me share a little bit of my story😊  Like you said it helps to talk about it.

 

I may lean on you from time to time if that's okay.  

Keep up the good work you give us all encouragement and the fight on.

[KenA]

@woody1981 Wow!!! Congrats to making it the big 1 year mark my friend!!! That is an amazing accomplishment!!! I'm glad to see that you are noticing the improvements you are making!!! Onwards and upwards my friend!! You've got this!!

[woody1981]

 

@Greatful  Thanks for checking in on me and the encouragement. Yep, it’s 12 months of no drugs since stopping the Paxil last July. Two years since the failed reinstatement and subsequent drugging. 
Our history reads very similar, like a lot of others here unfortunately. Where I was lucky to have one ok day a month I’m now having two or four in a row every couple of weeks, that’s improvement and that’s all I care about. 
Today has been a crappy wave day for me. I went to work after barley any sleep and ground it out with screaming buzzing ears, depressed, anxious and some really bad fatigue. I mean, what can I do? What can any of us do? Deal with it is all that comes to mind and try not to get myself too angry and worked up. That leads to the rabbit hole and I’m sick of that bloody place.... 😂 

One thing I suggest is to not look at the different meds as seperate withdrawal’s, concentrate on the things you can do to make the recovery in any way better. Sometimes there is nothing we can do, it’s just s@$t no matter which way we approach it. They are the times I believe that withdrawal is withdrawal no matter how we were thrown into it. This med, that med, we are all destabilised and just need to heal. So many variables and personal genetics are involved that none of us can claim to know what exactly is going on in each of us. Some people get sick for years after one dose and others take dozens of drugs and never feel a thing. 
You will get there, we all will if we are willing to give it the time. For the first six months I was wrapped up in my drug history, doses etc and now I don’t care what it was. I’m sick and I want to get better that’s all I need to know and all I’m trying to focus on. Easier said then done hey? 
Feel free to lean on me, I’ll do what I can. Hope your having a better day today. 
 

[woody1981]

@KenA Thanks legend. 

[Greatful]

@woody1981   It's pretty quite over here.  How are you doing?

[woody1981]

Hi @Grateful

I’m hanging in there, how are you going? I’ve been working but it’s really hard, every day. I’m stubborn and I’m leaning on all

of that trait to get me through the days. 

Im a tradesman and it’s physical work.... so I’m getting punished when I don’t sleep and the fatigue makes me want to just drop on the ground and pass out, at least the construction sites are loud and drown out my tinnitus, sometimes..... 😔 Then there’s the bad depression, it’s ripping my heart out everyday and stomping on it mercilessly. I truly never knew it could be so bad. But I’m due for a window and I hope it’s a good one. 

Anyway, that’s my whinge for the week, sorry! I try to use humour to keep myself

sane at the moment because I still can’t believe my life has turn so truly crap the last few years. If I let it get to me I really spiral down so I disconnect and am trying so bloody hard to ignore EVERYTHING my mind says I should do etc etc, The nasty stuff withdrawal makes you think. 
Thanks for reaching out, I hope

your coping and feeling well at the moment. 
Please excuse the fact I’m not on here conversing as much as others, I found that my OCD goes crazy when I spend too much time talking and thinking about withdrawal. Thanks again for reaching out and feel free to msg me if you need to. 

[Greatful]

@woody1981  Thank you for getting back to me.  I am glad to hear you are still hanging in there.

On 8/16/2021 at 5:07 AM, woody1981 said:

Then there’s the bad depression, it’s ripping my heart out everyday and stomping on it mercilessly.

I can relate to that.  When the depression hits, it can hit hard.  Yes you deserve a window to recharge.  Hey who knows the next one might be  a really long one.  You have been at this for quite sometime and have the determination of a ox.  

 

You and I started on this journey on the wrong foot.  To many drug changes in such a short period of time. 

 

Hope things will lighten up soon

[Greatful]

@woody1981  Hi Woody,  I just stopping by and seeing how you are doing?  I sure how the wave you have been in has let up a little.

I know how hard you try and keep going.  

Hang in there.

[woody1981]

@Greatful  Thanks for stopping by. I’m still moving forward. One day at a time. Wave has eased a bit the last week or so, thank goodness. I Was getting awfully tired and desperate. I have days of awful SI and it breaks me down then I wake up a few days later and the world isn’t quite so bad after all. No wonder people are falsely diagnosed with Bi-polar etc etc when being messed around on psych drugs. So sad. 
 

How are you feeling? Any let up in your symptoms? hope you have had some better days, if not, remember they will arrive. 

[Greatful]

@woody1981

On 9/29/2021 at 2:28 AM, woody1981 said:

Wave has eased a bit the last week or so, thank goodness.

Thank goodness is right.  The little breaks we get, that let us get in a breath are sure life savers. I can relate to getting worn down.  A little peak of sunshine revives us to go another day  I am so glad you are getting that break, safer it, it is a sign that you are healing😊

 

On 9/29/2021 at 2:28 AM, woody1981 said:

 I have days of awful SI and it breaks me down then I wake up a few days later and the world isn’t quite so bad after all. No wonder people are falsely diagnosed with Bi-polar etc etc when being messed around on psych drugs. So sad. 

Wow have you nailed it. The other day I was able to feel the mood shift in my from so, so to the agitation and anger in minutes.  It didn't last long but it is amazing when you can watch the shift.  This morning I rated my depression at a  1/2 ( I do 1-5  1 the lowest and 5 the worst) but by 1:00pm this afternoon it was at a 3 and felt like it was going to keep climbing. Went for a walk and meditated and now it is coming down.

 

Lately with meditation and learning my way around the symptoms I have been able to watch my  brain go crazy looking for something to latch on to when I am anxious.  It's like my brain had eyes and it was franticly going back and forth looking for something,🙄 what am I afraid of, why am I so anxious there most be something here I can latch on to.  And low and behold some times it finds something for me to stress and ruminate over. 🥴  So ah ha  I now know  what to expect when my brain is searching for something to latch on to.  Wait for it, wait for it  there it is, okay that's just a thought and I don't have to follow it.😖  Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't.  Just keep clomping along one day at a time.

 

  I did a 3% cut on the Lex 12 days ago, so I have been up and down like a yo-yo.  Some pretty heavy depression and worthlessness, si horrendous ruminating and paranoia, anxiety, panic, these are the worst, brain disconnect and the brain buzzing, the physical ones I can handle better it's the emotional ones that just about drag you under.😖

 

Hang in there, we made it another day, yeah

[Greatful]

@woody1981 How are you doing Woody?

 

[woody1981]

Hi Grateful,

 

@Greatful (CC corrected tag)

 

Thanks for stopping by. I’m still struggling but getting through the days. Had a huge surge in anxiety a month or so ago which was weird as I hadn’t been struggling with that for 6 plus months. That’s withdrawal for you but hey?! So bloody random. 

 

The one thing I wish would ease up is the depression. As someone who took meds for anxiety being thrown into this dark depression has been horrific. But I’m aware it’s just my poor brain trying to find it’s way home after being assaulted. Actually I wish the tinnitus or brain buzzing/ringing would ease up too. It drives me nuts and I always think it’s never going to stop. I just read success stories on bad days and try to imagine being in that position in the future. 

How are you coping? Hope your feeling better and it’s not too severe for you at the moment. Keep pushing forward. 

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by ChessieCat
changed tag to correct member

[woody1981]

@Greatful Oops, spelt your name wrong sorry and tagged the wrong member.... withdrawal brain is in full force. Cheers @ChessieCat for sorting that. 

[Greatful]

@woody1981  Hi Woody, How are you doing?

[woody1981]

Hey S.A.

Well it’s been a year since I wrote an update. I’m now 28 months med free which is good but I’m still struggling most days. My visits comprise of re-reading success stories 99% of the time. 
 

The Depression is still very much a part of my days at the moment. I find it hard to deal with depression, I never experienced it until in withdrawal. After being such an active person my whole

life I find myself couch bound and just so unmotivated with intrusive thoughts etc. I grew up surfing, fishing, running and living my life so I guess feeling like this now makes it even harder. I force myself to do stuff but between the screaming tinnitus most days and the anhedonia/depression it just feels so hopeless. I will push on with life, I won’t let it beat me but my god this is purgatory. 
 

Insomnia is still coming and going in waves. When it’s bad I get maybe 2 hours of crappy sleep….. 
 

Some other physical stuff is hanging around like restless legs and my knuckles have flared up again, a local dr saying I have arthritis….. which is bollocks because it wasn’t there before withdrawal. 
 

Im still working when I can and it is a fight but my life has been a fight for three and a half years now. It’s exhausting isn’t it?
 

The most frustrating thing for me is it feels like I don’t really get windows. Not where I am symptom free. Which I find very hard to accept and my brain likes to tell me “this is as good as it’ll get for you”……. Which then upsets me and down the hole we go…. I try to be mindful and avoid the neuro emotions but they are so pervasive and bloody good at hijacking my tired brain 😔. It’s just ground hog day with no reward or letup which makes it hard to keep up the fight. Like being stuck in quick sand for the last 3.5 years…. 
 

If this damn tinnitus would give me a break I’m sure I could settle into a more comfortable place and ride out the really bad days but when it’s screaming ears all night and day with the depression to boot, I get a little bit desperate. 
 

I have had some better days when everything seems to magically align and my head clears a fair bit, the noises are in the background and I can imagine coping with the symptoms at that level. But I can count on both hands the amount of times that’s happened in two and a half years. 
 

So it’s not all negative misery here. I just find it hard to convince myself it will get better when the good is so few and far between. The life I had torments me with good memories and I feel they are lost to me. 
 

I hope anyone who reads this is feeling better or you’re in a nice window. Keep pushing forward and I will meet you on the other side of this absolute hell. 
 

Woody 

[ChessieCat]

Thank you for coming back and giving an update.  From reading your post it would appear that you are gradually improving, but I realise that it is not as fast as you would like it to be.

 

Q:  Do you do any relaxation throughout the day? 

 

It can help to keep the stress down.  When we are stressed/anxious the brain's attention is diverted to coping with the stress/anxiety which it sees as something threatening your safety and therefore works at keeping you alive.  The brain cannot keep you safe from a threat and work on the recovery process at the same time.

 

I have found relaxation techniques very helpful.  With the relaxation I think it is better to do short periods of it throughout the day, regardless of whether you feel you need to do it.  Think of it like an old fashioned kettle on stove, the sort with the whistle.  If you keep turning the heat on and off the whistle will never blow because the steam won't build up.  Relaxation techniques work in a similar way.  It won't get rid of the stress completely but you keep bringing it down a bit so that it doesn't get to the build up. 

[woody1981]

G’day Chessie,

 

Thanks and I agree, it’s something I’m becoming more aware of and need to work on.
 

To be honest I don’t do enough to relax myself, ever. I constantly feel behind now with the lost time/life in withdrawal misery.

 

Being an anxious person and over thinker of everything is definitely contributing to my misery. It’s much worse thanks to withdrawal but It’s the “old me” mixed in with the new awful mental withdrawal symptoms that seem to make my cns and I feel so overwhelmed. Throw in the physical stuff and it worsens again. 

 

To be honest I don’t even realise I’m doing it half the time as I feel I’ve been stuck in my head this whole period. I have some work to do and decisions to make in the coming months regarding my lifestyle and working situation etc. 

 

Stress is so activating now, I know I need to avoid it but it follows me, like everyone I assume, in this modern life. I guess I was hoping this would all fade away and the old Me would suddenly appear but I know it’s going to take a lot longer than that. 

[ChessieCat]

I've been off completely for 1 year now after a 6 year careful taper.  The relaxation that I learned during my taper is helping me now in my "regular" life.  I pick up a lot more quickly when I am on edge and I use self talk and a do some slow deep breathing and it definitely helps.  I have periods of a lot of stress in my life, one of them being almost continuous low level discomfort from back and knee issues (which also affect my sleep), which sometimes get a bit more than low level, and I get cortisol spikes.  Knowing what things are and what is affecting me and knowing how to cope with them with non drug techniques really does make a difference.  Obviously it doesn't get rid of the stress completely but if I didn't use these techniques I would be a lot worse.

 

It is important to learn to recognise the signs of it starting and then take action.  And this only comes through practice.  You could set a time for regular times during the day and do some relaxation.  It then becomes a habit and you do pick up on it faster.

 

Just this week I was lying down on the CT angiogram scanner bed about to begin the test (going into a close tunnel) and I started having a panic attack and knew that if I didn't do something about it, then it would have been a full blown attack whilst in the machine.  I said to the radiologist that I needed some more time to calm myself down.  He did that and after a few minutes (it wasn't very long) I had managed to get it under control and did the test with no issues.  And it was the non drug coping skills that I have learned here that allowed me to do this.  But the big thing was that I recognised it early.  And I had good news later that my calcium score is 0 which is amazing because I'm 65.  I think I must have got the good genes from my mum. 

[woody1981]

Thanks for the advice Chessie,
 

I completely agree. I know it will be a combo of every little thing that will ultimately help me get through to recovery. I’m in a bad way but it’s something I have to get through, I won’t let it win. 
 

I also had an MRI done for my tinnitus when it became pulsatile in my left ear. That was not a nice experience, Dye injection and inside that machine for 20-30 min. All I could do was breathe and visualise myself surfing or doing something else. The panic abated and I was fine after that. Wish I was told to get therapy and learn all this before they shoved meds down my throat and sent me on my way. 
 

 

[woody1981]

Hi SA,

This is my three year update being med free. It’s been just over four years since this nightmare started….

 

I am still struggling with the physical and emotional side of withdrawal at the moment, namely the tinnitus and depression. Anxiety sometimes ramps up on the bad days out of no where. I find it weird the symptom I took meds for is the one that bothers me the least now.

 

If the tinnitus was just ringing in my ears I’m sure I could eventually adapt but I seem to get a brain ringing or buzzing on my bad days on top of the normal stuff….. It’s like high tension sizzling like Pug talks about in his story. It usually accompanies feeling pretty depressed and crappy too. 

 

Im a bit lost now as to whether the tinnitus is causing my depression or its withdrawal and the massive grief it causes….. it’s been going for so many years I get lost in despair which doesn’t help. Hard to imagine this stopping as it’s like a vicious cycle. I’ve tried to ignore it but it makes it impossible to concentrate and focus on anything else in that moment. I can hear it over white noise in my ear buds. 

 

I get a few easier days maybe 3-4 in a row on my best ever weeks and then I always get hit out of nowhere by a bad day or two… or six. I just wish I could get a window for a full week or two like a lot of people seem to get instead of constant misery and quick day to day up and downs. 

 

Sorry for the negative rant but after three years of this I was hoping to be in a bit better condition. Maybe it will quiet down the longer I stick this out? Maybe, I hope so. I deserve it, we all deserve it after walking this path through hell. 

Does anyone else with bad tinnitus or head buzzing get much worse when lying down? Or at night when you wake up? I use white noise and a pillow speaker but can still hear it most nights screaming away…. Yay. 

 

On a more positive note I truly think I’m improving. The extreme emotions seem more in check. The depression not quite as deep and brutal. I don’t break down every week and sometimes go a few months without melting down. I’m pretty sure the last time I had akathisia was around a year ago. I did have a couple of days of much quieter ears a month or so ago. Which is such a tease as I went to bed and woke up that night with my head buzzing again…. I still find it hard to believe the damage these little pills have caused me. 
Hope everyone else is coping and improving the best you can. 
Woody 
 

[Greatful]

@woody1981  It's nice to hear from you.  I am sorry that this is dragging on for you.  But hang in there, you know it will only get better according to the ones that have been through this.    I do not have tinnitus but my ears do get sensitive and fill up with pressure.  I do have awful brain buzzing and tingling and other brain pain, lightens up then hits again.  It feels like alien has taken over in my brain and makes it feel crazy LOL.

 

I agree with you about getting a good window....I get glimpses of them and it does give me hope that I am still in there behind the brain trying to get it right.   Look in the mirror and tell yourself on how courageous you are and how much you have improved, you have the ability to go the distance. 

[pinkfairy]

Hi Woody,

Just dropping by to say hello and great to hear of your progress  hang on in there because this really does all end.

The ringing in the ears *used* to scream for me for years on end but the further i am out from the cold turkeys its literally once in a blue moon now.

It drove me bat s crazy lol annoying but the more i bought into it or wanted it to go the louder it seemed to get. I don't attach to it when it is there any-more, because for me i found the more it did my head in the more i suffered because i was wanting to change what was. But i can promise you every single thing ends.

 

So keep putting one foot infront of the other because one day this will be a chapter what you can close and then you get to decide and make a beautiful brand new beginning.

 

Keep going because that wide open window awaits you... 

[woody1981]

@Greatful @pinkfairy Thank you for your support and replies, it’s really appreciated. I know I’m not very active on the site and for you to take the time to respond is awesome. 
 

At the start I couldn’t help myself and tended to look for the worst stories on here which just triggered me shockingly. I feel selfish even getting a response from someone because I know I haven’t given much back. I also know that keeping a record of my battle may help others when one day I can hopefully write a success story. 
 

@pinkfairy I’m stoked to hear that the screaming got quieter for you. If mine drops to the levels I get on the odd better days I can deal with that. Hope your managing well and feeling better. 
 

@Greatful The no windows thing sucks hey? I mean I get slightly “better” days but they aren’t the me of old that’s for damn sure, lol. Not even close. But I’m still in there, I get the odd memory that seems to spark a little excitement about my past and makes me think maybe I can get there in the future? Dunno, but I’m glad I have hung on and made it through to this point. You’re obviously such a sweet person and I truly hope you get a proper window soon. A week or two would be nice huh? 
Take care,

Woody 
 

 

[pinkfairy]

12 hours ago, woody1981 said:

@Greatful @pinkfairy Thank you for your support and replies, it’s really appreciated. I know I’m not very active on the site and for you to take the time to respond is awesome. 
 

At the start I couldn’t help myself and tended to look for the worst stories on here which just triggered me shockingly. I feel selfish even getting a response from someone because I know I haven’t given much back. I also know that keeping a record of my battle may help others when one day I can hopefully write a success story. 
 

@pinkfairy I’m stoked to hear that the screaming got quieter for you. If mine drops to the levels I get on the odd better days I can deal with that. Hope your managing well and feeling better. 
 

@Greatful The no windows thing sucks hey? I mean I get slightly “better” days but they aren’t the me of old that’s for damn sure, lol. Not even close. But I’m still in there, I get the odd memory that seems to spark a little excitement about my past and makes me think maybe I can get there in the future? Dunno, but I’m glad I have hung on and made it through to this point. You’re obviously such a sweet person and I truly hope you get a proper window soon. A week or two would be nice huh? 
Take care,

Woody 
 

 

Hey woody,

I did that for a very long time looking at all the horror stories (in-fact my story was one) but i kept reading all the suffering and i was causing myself vicarious trauma by reading all of it, our minds are digesting that info all the time.Please don't feel selfish at all for doing what is best for you, we are taught as a society don't put yourself first its "selfish" actually if a plane goes down the first thing you do is put your own oxygen mask on doing you is a must. Others have energy to give there is no good or bad your job is to survive and not worry that you can't give. In time if you choose to pay it forwards you will do and if you don't that is ok too.

You can be on line but just reading but in such a awful wave you literally just can't respond i truly get it believe me.

Give when you want to not because you feel you have to.

One day my friend i will see your success story wrote in neon lights just stay the course and keep sailing.

 

Honestly it will stop for you.

Yes doing well thank you on a nice hold till September and healing nicely.

 

Pink

[Greatful]

@woody1981  Sending encouragement.