Sunnyday: Recovered from Lexapro and Wellbutrin

[Sunnyday]

My introduction topic:

 

 

Female, 26 years old.
Drugs I was on: Wellbutrin (Voxra) 300mg and Escitalopram (lexapro/cipralex) 20 mg. Valium 15-20 mg very
sporadically, around once a month.

 

Numbered in case someone wants to only read specific parts:
1: Hope
2: Backround
3: Tapering
4: Symptoms
5: Improvement
6: Experiences with doctors, nurses etc etc
7: Recovered, lessons learned
Post after this one is about things that helped me.

 

1. The first thing I want to say, because it seems like such a common feeling for people in withdrawal, is that in my honest opinion it will get better, no matter how much doubt and hopelessness you feel. I think many here have felt that we're the exception because of how much we're suffering and it's hard to believe we can get out of it. The symptoms will lessen with time. So even if the recovery in total can take years, it doesn't mean that you will feel this bad for that whole time. The eighth month is most likely not gonna be just as bad as the first or second month (This is also why it's a good idea to keep some sort of record or journal, because we don't always see the improvement until we look back). Everyone is different, so just because our own recovery doesn't look exactly like others that's not a good reason to give up on hope. It seems like the thinking is extremely skewed for many during withdrawal. It's like we hold on to negative information a lot more than people usually do, and that's also important to remember I think. Just because we think something doesn't mean it's true.

 

2. Went on Escitalopram 20 mg and Wellbutrin 300 mg at 17 years old. I had severe depression and it was (I thought) my last resort. The first two years they seemed to be helping, later on I noticed I wasn't myself though and strangely numb/careless which led to questionable decisions at times. After a couple of years on them I started to feel very mentally unstable for seemingly no reason at all and read about antidepressants being a potential culprit.
Second year on meds I also got benzos (valium (diazepam), 2 mg but I always had to take at least 15 mg for it to help) to calm my very sudden anxiety. I
somewhat knew the risk of benzos, so I was careful about not taking them too often and managed to avoid creating a dependence on them. 

 

I decided I wanted to start tapering both antidepressants when I realised they might be the
issue. My (one and only good) doctor agreed with me and thought it was a good idea to start tapering. Unfortunately this doctor retired.

 

3. Tapering Wellbutrin: 2015 I quit the wellbutrin completely by tapering from 300 mg straight to 150 mg. Went on 150 mg for around a month, then started taking 150 mg every other day for two weeks as instructed by doctor. From what I can remember tapering wellbutrin went relatively okay for me.
Tapering Escitalopram: Started tapering beginning of 2016, 5 mg at a time with 4 weeks in between every taper. So for four weeks I'd be at 15 mg, then four weeks at 10 mg and so on. Tapering this drug gave me issues almost right away, but the more I tapered the worse it got.
At 5 mg I started getting the most symptoms which got worse when I quit completely. Very important thing to mention I think, is that most of these issues I had never had in the
past. In case someone not in withdrawal reads this I want that to be said because I was being presented as the issue by the doctors I met, rather than the drugs being the issue. I was not a worrying person before, and I barely knew what anxiety was despite being very depressed. Unlike many with depression I did not get anxiety with it, until I started taking the drugs. 

 

4. Here are the symptoms I wrote down when it was
happening:
Tooth grinding, when awake and asleep. Often lead to headache
Very severe anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness, stress, restlessness, self loathing, wanting to die
Suicidal thoughts daily
Very tired
Weight gain
Difficulties falling asleep
Upset stomach
Severe stomach ache from the constant worrying
Ache in different parts of the body, mostly legs, stomach, neck and head
A lot more timid and shy, couldn't walk out the door most days and waited until it was dark out.
Difficulties breathing (anxiety symptom I assume)
Heart palpitations and heart flutter
Sensitive to noise
Very easy to cry, often for no reason
Strange yawns that would never be complete. Like feeling the need to yawn and not being able to fully do it, this could go on for long periods during the day.
Bad time perception and short term memory
Derealisation
Severe semi voluntary motor tics, mostly in feet and hands but sometimes in other parts of body.
Paranoid (thinking people want to do me harm and so on)
Very easily frightened, skittish
Strong and impulsive self destructive urges (this was very frightening and new to me)
Strong sense of losing my personality and who I am, at times it was  as if I was grieving my old self
Occasional bed wetting
Very depressed
Burning feet syndrome
Burning/warm sensation in head
Later on I also felt manic some days, euphoric and over active for no reason (This would explain why the doctors suspected bipolar despite me not ever showing symptoms in the past)
PGAD which went away after about a month more or less, caused pain as well.

 

5. I would say when it started to noticeably get a little better was in the summer of 2018. In the summer of 2019 several of these symptoms were gone, for
example the tooth grinding, restlessness and self loathing, among others.

 

6. During all this time I got no support what so ever from any hospital. I told several different doctors, nurses and therapists what was going on and no one took me seriously. One laughed in my face. Another one asked what I was doing there if I was gonna refuse medication anyway despite me expressing concern about the new symptoms. When I once chose to mention that many people experience the same thing as I did, the first and only response I got was her questioning my credibility before moving on. Later in my medical journals I could read that most of my doctors were convinced I was bipolar and I was the reason for getting sick, not the drugs. It wasn't considered once that the drugs could have caused all of this.

 

I also lost an old close friend because they didn't believe me or supported me, simply because they had never heard of this before.

 

The reason I mention losing friends and not being believed is because it's a huge part of experiencing withdrawal for many, I think. It makes you feel extremely lonely, disappointed and betrayed. This lack of support and not being believed is dangerous when someone is in drug withdrawal and is already often suicidal.

 

7. Today the only symptom that I still have to deal with is the motor tics. I suspect I will have to live with that but that's okay. It doesn't stop me from being happy and moving forward in life and I can say for the first time in a very long time that I feel genuinely happy. I have my life mostly under control.
I still have to work on my social anxiety but being happy and physically healthy makes it a lot easier to work on. I no longer experience mania or depression either.

The most important thing to me was that I would someday feel like my old self again, and I do feel like that today.
I also felt that all this added more depth to me as a person in a good way. It forced me to improve my ability to cope on my own and finding strategies that worked for me. Life feels more easy to take on after going through withdrawal (which probably isn't worth much to hear when in the midst of it, but so valuable afterwards).

 

I'm so thankful for this site and everyone on it. It has been the only place where people have been willing to help and understand during the worst thing I've experienced. 

There is more I could say but this is already very long.

I'll do a second post under this one where I'll write down specific things that has helped me.

[Sunnyday]

Things that helped me

 

Even if this part is obvious to many I do not recommend alcohol even if it feels like it helps at first. Especially because alcohol cravings is another common symptom during WD and can become very risky. I say this because I drank at first to cope and later noticed it made things worse, even if it didn't right away.

 

Avoiding overly emotional things if it dragged me down. I had to stop watching most movies and carefully choose the kind of music I listened to. Avoiding the news completely and reading sad things in general.

 

Meditating if possible. One can do this while sitting, walking, laying down, doing yoga, mindfulness, chanting etc etc. For me laying down while listening to a guided meditation worked best (Youtube is a great source for this in my opinion).

 

Being around animals.

 

Spending time in the forest or in nature in general.

 

Some kind of heat felt nice sometimes, like showering, drinking a cup of tea or warm water, having one of those microwaved rice bags against my stomach or shoulders, blankets etc etc.

 

Exercising if possible but while listening to the body and not overdoing it (swim, walk, dance, small exercises at home, yoga, biking to name a few. Swimming worked the best for me)

 

Doing a hobby even if you have to force yourself and even if it's just for a little while. For me it was art.

 

Repetitive tasks helped me in the beginning for some reason. I could put my focus on something easy, and whatever it ends up being it's okay even if it feels a bit silly I think. For example I picked a lot of dandelions, then collected the petals to potentially make wine out of it. But when I was done doing that I felt that it had helped calm me and to be present. So picking flowers, watering plants, repetitive crafting like decorating things. Stuff like that. Sorting papers if needed. Puzzles was another one of these tasks that I started doing.

 

Resting.

 

Doing things that are pleasant but not bad for you. I thought of it as taking care of myself as I would with a sick or sad friend. 

 

For tics:
Epsom salt baths (be very careful and try a small dose at first), a foot bath can be enough or hand bath depending on what body part is affected.
Temporary solution that worked for me was squeezing the body part that's being problematic. So if it was the hands I sat on them, for example.
Strong passion flower tea.

To minimize and prevent it:

Getting good sleep

Reducing stress and worry

Reducing sugar intake

 

Things that I wrote down to remember, mindsets and
reminders:

 

Live moment for moment when you can't do anything else, especially when suffering. Don't think about future or past. Just take every minute or second as it comes.

 

Practice on letting go of any negative thoughts. The more often it's done the easier it will get (be persistent). For me it was like creating a new habit for the brain that eventually started to happen automatically. For example random self hating thoughts often came up in the past for me, now comforting and forgiving thoughts come up instead in difficult situations.

 

Accept not feeling well, don't beat yourself up or dwell on the fact. Go with the flow as often mentioned on here. (But avoid ruminating.)

 

Look at obstacles as challenges when possible.

 

It's okay to be scared, accept the fear as part of it (whatever the fear is).

 

Convince yourself and be open to let others convince you that this will pass and you will get through it and be okay. To me this was extremely important especially during the days I felt the worst and wanted to quit, because I could always remind myself that I just had to wait it out knowing it will pass. Hold on to the good examples you hear about, not the bad ones. I chose to believe in the people that told me it would get better and also to direct my attention to the ones that got better.

 

Write down a list of things you're thankful for every day. It's another way to teach the brain to focus on the positive. There is always something, you just have to look for it. Doesn't have to be anything big. Could be that you ate something good, or that the weather is nice, or that a person has been kind to you, or that you have a home.

 

Try avoiding dwelling on the withdrawal. It won't help, in my opinion. Distract with what distracts you the most easily. For me it was a genre of videos that usually had a lot of comedy in them or games. Good friends that don't make you feel worse is also a great distraction.

 

Stoicism in general has been good for me to read about so can recommend that as well for the mental aspect, maybe more so in later stages of withdrawal.

 

Therapeutic writing. I think I first heard about it on this forum but I can't remember. I've used this a lot and still do when I don't feel good. The gist of it is you write whatever comes to mind no matter how strange or silly it feels. I can't find the link but somewhere it said that if you do this for at least 20 minutes  and don't inhibit yourself it can be as effective as an actual therapy session. 
Something I added on my own because I found it helped me, was that after leaving what I had written for an hour or a few hours I could look at it more clearly after, and sometimes even find solutions to what was bothering me. Or at least pinpoint what the issue was. And even if you can't do any of those two, writing it down gets it out of your head which usually feels better and moves some of the troubling thoughts from the mind to paper.

 

Supplements that helped me (be careful and always start at a low dose):
CBD oil helped me a little. I took the kind with very low levels (almost none) of THC.
Passion flower tea. I had to make strong tea for it to work.
Magnesium and omega-3 are said to be helpful, I was unsure if they helped me during withdrawal but can imagine they would help in the long run.

 

To manage relationships as best as I could I would do these things:
Read brassmonkeys thread on emotional spirals, very informative and helpful whether it's anger, sadness, anxiety etc etc:
https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/?tab=comments#comment-257833

 

Avoiding socialising if I really didn't want to,  especially if you feel some people make you unhappy or evoke other negative emotions out of you.

 

Trying my best to be around the people that did makeme happy.

 

Forcing myself not to indulge in a conflict or something that can become a conflict. Remember that I always have a choice. Promise myself to never act on intense negative emotions like anger or the strong urge I often had to explain my stance.

 

Wait for at least a few days, and if I still felt consistently bothered about something it might be worth bringing up.

 

Regarding frustration about others not understanding the situation, Guilietta wrote something on this forum
that I think is a great mindset to have about it (I'm possibly paraphrasing) ''Even though I feel their criticism as rejection - I like to think it is a way of showing love and concern for me. But they do not have the facts and live with this day in, day out, etc. We need to be strong and hold to our paths, it is not easy to believe in ourselves.''

 

I think many of these things have been mentioned on this forum before, but I think the least I can do is mention what has helped me. And some things are worth repeating.

 

I wish all of you the best and I have no doubt you will all come out of this.

[Happy2Heal]

congratulations SunnyDay!!

thank you for sharing your encouraging success story and all your helpful hints!

very kind of you to do that

 

 

[Icip]

Though you’ve hinted at it before on my thread, which was amazing and a huge help in itself - this is lovely to hear Sunnyday, I hope that it only gets better for you here in, you deserve it. Thank you helping me when I most needed it, now enjoy your renewed freedom

[Sunnyday]

4 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

congratulations SunnyDay!!

thank you for sharing your encouraging success story and all your helpful hints!

very kind of you to do that

 

 

Thank you so much Happy! 

 

1 hour ago, Icip said:

Though you’ve hinted at it before on my thread, which was amazing and a huge help in itself - this is lovely to hear Sunnyday, I hope that it only gets better for you here in, you deserve it. Thank you helping me when I most needed it, now enjoy your renewed freedom

Thank you Icip, I will. And you deserve the same!

[Leo1983]

So pleased for you. 

 

Can i just ask how long would you say your full recovery was? 

[Sunnyday]

1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

So pleased for you. 

 

Can i just ask how long would you say your full recovery was? 

Hi Leo, thank you. I would say it took me almost 4 years to feel fully recovered, although 2016 when I started tapering was not as bad as 2017 when I was down at 5 mg, from what I can recall. So 2 out of 4 years were the worst for me, while the other 2 years were very rough as well but more manageable. 

 

During 2016 before I found SA I often wondered if I would ever feel happy and if I was the problem like the doctors told me, because it seemed strange that no one I talked to knew about this. It's very easy to start doubting oneself when society is too unaware to understand the problem and so unwilling to help, I think. It's very lonely. This forum helped me doubt myself less, in combination with the strange symptoms I started getting in 2017. I mention it because I saw your latest post and could relate. 

[Malon]

Hi Sunnyday,

thank you for sharing your story. I am having very bad days at the moment and your story encouraged me a lot. I can relate to many aspects of your story.
Is the tiredness completely gone?

 

[Readytoheal]

I'm so happy for you! May your days be brighter than ever!

[Sunnyday]

6 hours ago, Malon said:

Hi Sunnyday,

thank you for sharing your story. I am having very bad days at the moment and your story encouraged me a lot. I can relate to many aspects of your story.
Is the tiredness completely gone?

 

Hi Malon,

 

I'm so happy to hear my post was encouraging to you. The tiredness is completely gone now, yes. I'm only tired when I'm ''supposed'' to be.

I think the best we can do is be forgiving towards ourselves while we wait out those kinds of symptoms. I definitely believe your tiredness will also go away eventually.

[Sunnyday]

Thank you so much @Readytoheal! I hope that you can get relief in the same way eventually. Take care of you.

[Kimboslice]

Hey Sunnyday

 

congrats btw. Quick question.

 

did you experience bad social anxiety? did it clear up like other symptoms? and if so did it happen in windows and waves? 

When I’m out, sometimes I feel dead inside like I can’t muster up even a shred of emotion to be able to have a proper relatable conversation with anyone around me. I just feel like such a dull individual and void of any confidence.  This keeps improving, then reverting. It’s so frustrating each time being thrown some shred of hope and positivity to have it torn away again the very next week🤬. 
 

 

[Sunnyday]

Hi @Kimboslice, thank you. My social anxiety was extremely bad. Many days it was hard for me to even leave my room while I still lived with my family. I stopped eating dinner together with them as well. Going outside the house (just walking to the car even) was an even bigger step that I couldn't do most days unless it was dark out. During my windows it got a little easier but not much.

 

I already had social anxiety before going on the drugs, but it worsened a lot during WD. So it has gotten a lot easier but I definitely still have it. I think the reason it's easier has to do with me being almost ten years older, and being happier as well. And I suppose after the withdrawal many other things become a bit less daunting to confront including the social anxiety. 

How you describe your situation is very relatable to me. I tried to not put pressure on myself when out with people and kinda take things as they come, but it was very easy to beat myself up mentally for it. I think even getting out is a success in itself, even if it doesn't often feel like it while it's happening.  I'd say having some progress and then having it go away is very typical during withdrawal, so from that perspective it is a good sign (but very frustrating). 

[Kimboslice]

@Sunnyday Thanks for answering my question. I too have suffered with social anxiety at times prior to SSRI’s (Mind it all cane on after 7 months straight taking antibiotics, never prior) but never anywhere near the difficulties I face currently. In fact I would say my social capabilities has probably been my strongest asset or has been throughout a large proportion of my life so I find the symptoms most concerning. Its makIng life so bloody boring and really does minimise your options greatly. I can’t get used to it. I’m an imposter in my own body. Anyway. It’s extremely comforting  to know the anxiety has lessened for yourself and I was you all the best as you keep moving forward.

 

Kind Regards.
 

 

[Pina]

Hello, 

 

thanks for sharing your story. Congratulation. Best wishes for you. 

 

LG 

Pina

[Katy398]

Congratulations Sunnydays, this is wonderful news and beautifully written. I too Was on  Lexapro, sadly a CT. I’m 21 months out and fear I’ll never recover. My symptoms are surprisingly similar. Staying in my room, often not wanting to leave the house until after dark,  Suicide Ideation and loneliness are definitely the worse. I have huge doubts about recovery and often think of reinstating but today I am encouraged by your story and will get through another day. I will bookmark your lovely account.  1 more thing to add to my support list! Thank you Sunnyday, and best wishes in your new life. X

[Sheera]

Congratulations—❤️❤️❤️

[Alice1]

Congratulations Sunnyday. 
I, like you, experienced tremendous improvement after 4 years off Lexapro. I would like to warn you of something.  I had a medical emergency last mont and had to take pain meds and antibiotics.  This gave me a huge setback.  Try to avoid other meds for awhile if possible. I have read that the setback is only temporary as well.  I’ve also read that the further out you get the stronger the CNS gets.  Again, congratulations. 

[Carmie]

Hi Sunnyday, 

 

Thanks for popping around to my thread. I’m so very happy that you’re doing so well. You are an inspiration, sending hugs🤗

[Sunnyday]

Thank you @Alice1 I'm very sorry to hear about your setback, but I appreciate the heads up. I have tried keeping this in mind, suspecting that heavier medication might still cause those kinds of problems. I have managed to avoid them so far. Being prepared for a potential setback I find helps a lot to get through it, if it should happen.

I hope that you will feel better as soon as possible.

 

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by Sunnyday

[Sunnyday]

On 1/9/2021 at 9:04 PM, Carmie said:

Hi Sunnyday, 

 

Thanks for popping around to my thread. I’m so very happy that you’re doing so well. You are an inspiration, sending hugs🤗

 

Thank you Carmie. You are an inspiration as well and have been from the beginning to me.

 

Sending big hugs

 

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by Sunnyday

[Aeroman]

Thanks for sharing your success story Sunnyday. I too tapered quickly off Lexapro but 10mg and I recovered between 3 to 4 years (2008 - 2012). I relate to a lot of your issues you had to go through. And you've provided great tips to readers/sufferers. I happened to take Cipro in 2014 that set me back but eventually recovered from that as well. 

[BooBoo19]

Hi Aeroman, Did you have extremeanxiety attacks and if you did how did you manage them if you do not mind me asking? I try the Claire Weeks method but they bulldozer me and I end up taking a diazepam which is not want I want. I have anxiety all the time but It has been subsiding but still high until tonight were it has gone through the roof again and I am losing hope.

 

[Kimboslice]

@Aeroman.. I thought I’d tag you so you don’t miss the question above by @BooBoo19.
I assume its been Posted here rather than on your thread.

[Miracle123]

Hi Sunnyday, 

Congratulation and happy to hear u are doing very well and fully recovered. Really so blessing hear from u. 

[AbelRiver]

Thank you @Sunnydaythis is so encouraging. I’m on 5 mg lexapro now and hoping to continue a slow and steady taper. 
 

there are many horror stories on the internet around WD and so I’ve had a bit of fear swirling in brain. So thank you for the inspiring post. 

[Pepms]

Hi @Sunnyday how have you been? Did your withdrawal symptoms included paresthesia or tingling and prickling?