prairierose: rose of the prairie turned to dustbowl

[prairierose]

hello! I am a 40yr old mom of 1 and wife. I have a successful home based business and have struggled for over a year now with what I knew was withdrawl or at least had a suspicion. now that I have found you all my suspicions feel more confirmed. 

 

4 yrs ago I was misdiagnosed as having a brain tumor. the dr who diagnosed me said "take 4 ativan a day and 2 klonopin 30minutes before bed and we will get you into a neurologist as soon as we can". I sat for 2 months drugged on benzos with the constant fear that I was going to leave my now 5yr old son and husband bc that's where your brain goes when you have been told you have "something in your brain". I developed panic attacks and eventually chest pain. the neurologist told me they couldnt find what the original doc found but "at best I had MS". my new gp said he thought I could use something to help the anxiety and he believed the physical symptoms were anxiety.  began taking 25mg of zoloft and within 2 weeks my symptoms resolved (chest pains and panic attacks at night) I honestly thought these drugs were a God send.

 

I did a dietary elimination on my own bc I did not accept what the drs were telling me. they had jo evidence, but were merely guessing. the stroke like symtpoms I was having that lead them to the scans and tumor diagnosis disappeared after I eliminated all gluten. it took a while for the inflammation to go away in my body but eventually the weird symptoms stopped.

 

1.5 yrs ago in spring of 2017 I decided to start weaning myself off of 25mg zoloft. by August 1st i took my last pill. i had tummy pains and diarrhea but other than that and a little shakiness I was fine. then I became irritable and even began thinking I had fallen out of love with my soulmate.

 

i left a message with the nurse at my gps office and asked my doc if this could be withdrawl. the only response he gave me was to have his nurse call me back and let me know they have called in Cymbalta. I hung up the phone absolutely disgusted and felt so alone and unheard. right around November 2017 a ton of stressors came crashing in on me and i began having terrifying symptoms that I had never experienced even back when I first started on ssris. 

 

panic attacks with terrifying intrusive thoughts. the kind a mother thinks will get her child taken from her. against my better judgement but honestly i didnt know if i could trust my judgement, i tried 10mg of prozac and had a horrible reaction and never took it again. my doctor told me this was all proof I would have to be on them forever because I was "just wired differently". I argued with him bc these thoughts were constant and I had never experienced them before in my whole life.

 

he put me back on zoloft and we increased the dose. that's when the thoughts of just wanting to die came on. I checked myself into a crisis unit for 72hrs. one psychiatrist told me 50mg was too much and reduced me but when the other psychiatrist there came on duty he increased it to 100mg, added 25mg lamictal (even though I am not bipolar) and abilify. I refused the upped dose of zoloft and took the others. within 30minutes I was puking uncontrollably. the nurse refused to give me anymore and told the dr those were wrong for me. she agreed with the first doc. when I refused the second dose that the dr insisted on he emergency detained me for a week due to in compliance.

 

after i came home i came off of lamictal right away and never took the abilify again. I tried zoloft 50mg for a while but it never really worked again. that's when I bega. noticing that these deep depressive symptoms and anxiety were coming 2 weeks before my period and then would temporarily disappear or at worst ease up.

 

a holistic doc told me over the phone that the antidepressant combined with the mirena IUD had thrown my body into a spiral. i came off of zoloft onto viibryd. it was horribly expensive and I swear I thought I was having seizures my brain felt like it was shaking.

 

I requested to try something else. I had a new psych and she put me on lexapro 10 but moved me to 20 really fast. I began having near constant suicidal thoughts. my gyno had me track my symptoms and diagnosed me with PMDD. that was Sept 2018. she also put me on progesterone.

 

no doc agrees I should go off of lexapro. my psych told me the lexapro was working fine but she wanted to add depakote. again every counselor I have talked to has said I meet zero criteria for bipolar disorder. she never had my chart with her when she talked to me. I only saw her for 3 months but she kept trying to put me on a med that I had an allergic reaction to. she didnt care and i knew it. my husband fired her. he's my hero. my rock. long story I know.

 

i wish i had  known about you all back when I was first having wd from zoloft. I would never have gone back down that horrible road. I cant help but think I would be healed by now.

 

since September I have weaned from 20mg to 10mg. I held there for November and December. yes I know about the 10% taper recommendations. I have things that are helping me and I am not so naive to think I wont have more wd issues. I have no began my taper again. my husband and I are much more educated and equipped. pray for me and wish me luck. I'm glad to be a part of our healing community here ❤

 

Edited January 3, 2019 by prairierose
added space

[ChessieCat]

Hi boymom and welcome to SA,

 

It's good that you know about the taper protocol.  Here is the link to the topic:  Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

You may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms which you don't connect to reducing your drug:  Dr Joseph Glenmullen's WD Symptoms Checklist

 

Q:  What supplements are you taking?

 

The only supplements that SA recommend are Magnesium and Omega-3 Fish Oil.  Try a small amount one at a time to see how your react.  Keep it Simple, Slow and Stable

 

Q:  Is there anything specifically that you are wanting assistance with?
 

The reason this site exists is because not many medical professionals know and understand about tapering and withdrawal.

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

Important topics in the Tapering forum and FAQ

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

We strongly encouragement members to learn and use Non-drug techniques to cope

 

Please create a drug signature using the following format.  Keep it simple (NO diagnoses or symptoms please - thank you):

• details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
• summary for older than 2 years - just years and drug/s

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

This is you own Introduction topic where you can ask questions about your own situation and journal your progress.

 

 

Edited January 3, 2019 by ChessieCat

[ChessieCat]

On 1/4/2019 at 10:54 AM, ChessieCat said:

Please create a drug signature using the following format.  Keep it simple (NO diagnoses or symptoms please - thank you):

• details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
• summary for older than 2 years - just years and drug/s

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

This is you own Introduction topic where you can ask questions about your own situation and journal your progress.

 

[prairierose]

I dont understand what I'm supposed to do? did I do something wrong 

[ChessieCat]

We ask all members to create a drug signature so that your drug history can be seen at a glance.  It will show below each post that you make.  It means that we don't have to read through your posts to get the information.

[prairierose]

ok I just dont know how to do that. I will try to figure it out tomorrow 

[Madeleine]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  I’m tapering Zoloft too.  Yes it sounds like it was withdrawal you were experiencing the first time you got off the 25 mg.   Now that you know a lot more just taper slowly as advised here and things will settle  down back to normal for you 

best wishes 

m

[prairierose]

Mods, I desperately need input on my current situation. I tried to do a drug signature but cannot think straight enough to do one. I'm listing my drugs/supplements below instead.

 

Here is what I am taking now in an attempt to get more stable (I've been seeing a naturopath who put me on the 5HTP, Calm, GABA, magnesium and a very high dose of fish oil):

Vit C

Magnesium glycinate

3750 mg fish oil

100 mg 5-HTP after breakfast

Calm formula with 100 mg of GABA and 50 mg of HTP

At night 100 mg of GABA supplement

5 mg of Lexapro at night

1/4 - 1/2 of Klonopin as needed

 

Lately I have been feeling completely destabilized. I have suicidal ideation at times although I won't do it. I'm terrified that I am not able to be a good mom to my son.

Am I taking something that is making my condition worse?  I've been taking the above combination of Lexapro/HTP/supplements for about 7 weeks. I do not know what to stop taking or whether I should wean off of any of the above. I'm feeling desperate. Please help.

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by prairierose
bolded supplement info

[ChessieCat]

Please tell us the dates you started each of the drugs.

 

Q:  What are your current symptoms?  Do they follow any pattern?

 

Q:  Are you taking your drugs at the same time each day?  Have you recently missed any days or taken them at a different time?

 

Q:  How often are you using Klonopin?  When have you used it over the last month?

[puthappinessfirst]

On 1/3/2019 at 9:22 AM, boymom said:

take 4 ativan a day and 2 klonopin 30minutes before bed

 

Sue that doctor. 

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by ChessieCat
Removed blasphemy

[prairierose]

if they couldnt quickly make me look like a mental case I would. bless and release right?

[prairierose]

chessiecat my current symtpoms are come and go panic attacks. near constant suicidal thoughts during the panic mode and depression loss. other thoughts too but those I spoke of in my original thread. they get bad about early to mid afternoon. tmi but always worse from ovulation to menses. 

I am a stickler about my meds times for the most part sometimes it varies an hour but not more than that.

i only take a klonopin when i absolutely cant calm down myself. i average about 1 whole one per week. i think they are .25mg but I am not home. my husband has me at our restaurant on suicide watch. :*( i have to get better. I have the most precious life and family

[prairierose]

I also take lots of d3 and a vitamin c and currently progesterone bc my obgyn got involved when it started to worsen during my cycles. 

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, ChessieCat said:

Q:  How often are you using Klonopin?  When have you used it over the last month?

 

We need the answer to the above please.

[prairierose]

I dont know how to answer this. I only take them as per needed. I dont always write down the exact day but I typically dont take more than a half of one when I need them. I would say twice a week. I'm sorry I'm trying really hard

[prairierose]

but I seem to be sleeping well. wake up with headaches and dread

[Shep]

Boymom, I know you are struggling, so let's keep this very simple.

 

For each drug and supplement you have taken in the past 2 years, please list:

 

1. The name of the drug.
2. The start and end date (month and year).
3. The dose.

 

For any drug and supplement prior to the past 2 years, simply list the name of the drug and the approximate dates. 

 

We really need this information before we can assist you. You likely are reacting to the supplements you are taking, so please include supplements in the information you give us. 

 

Don't worry about putting it in a signature right now. Simply post it here in your thread. 

[prairierose]

in the last 2 yrs? whew. I dont jnow if I can remember them all.

July 30th 2017 took my last bit of zoloft half of 25mg

December 2017 took 1 pill of prozac 10mg (bad reaction)

December 2017 went back on zoloft but 50mg

January 2018 they took my down to 25mg zoloft and added lamictal (small dose) 

stopped lamictal 2 weeks later

tried buspar had hives break out

went back to zoloft until summer 2018

July 2018 dr switched me to viibryd not sure of dose for one week and had bad reactions back to zoloft. then psych switched me to lexapro and quickly moved me up to 20mg (when suicidal thoughts began) October 2018 I began weaning myself off of lexapro. now at 5mg

*as of 8 weeks ago naturopath added the following:

-100mg capsule of 5htp (am)

-calm which is 50mg of 5htp and 100mg of beta phenyl gamma aminobutryic acid hydrochloric

1 multivitamin called vitaperfect

the omega 3

1 5mthf 5mg

vitamin c called adrenal c

10000mg d3

at night I take

200mg of gaba

more omega 3

1 probiotic

progesterone

last week I started s acetyl glutathione bc I have lots of inflammation 

5mg lexapro

please help me soon

 

 

[Shep]

Thank you, Boymom.

 

We also need to know when you started your supplements. Please list the start dates. Some of them, such as  5-HTP (which I see listed earlier in your thread but not in your last post where you listed your supplements) and GABA can be harmful for people going through psychiatric drug withdrawal. 

 

5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) and l-tryptophan

 

GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) tablets, capsules, liquid

 

Please start a drug and symptoms journal using the below format. Over the coming days, we can help you set up a consistent dosing for the Klonopin. Please note that period benzo use is not recommended because it can cause problems with interdose withdrawal and rebound symptoms.  You'll want to take the same amount at the same time every day. 

 

As you post your journal, we'll be able to tell more about what is happening with your drugs. Please also include supplements. 

 

On 9/27/2016 at 2:49 PM, Altostrata said:

In the course of discussion in your Introductions forum topic, you may be asked to keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern, including when you take your drugs, their dosages, and any symptoms. We ask this because there may be something we can do to reduce the symptoms.

 

What we need to see for every single day over several days is what symptoms you get before and after you take your drugs. If you're not taking any drugs and have withdrawal symptoms, we still need to see your symptom pattern throughout the day:

 

The time of day, dosage, and severity of symptoms are essential information. Include

 

- Time and dosage for all drugs taken throughout the day, psychiatric and non-psychiatric.

- Following each dose, note any symptoms. If you are having a reaction to the drug, it may take hours for a symptom to show up -- that's why we ask you to keep notes all day long.

- If you're not taking any drugs, your symptoms throughout the day.

- Your sleep pattern. Since so many drugs disturb sleep, if you find you're waking in the middle of the night, it could be from a drug you took earlier in the evening. If you're not taking any drugs, there may be ways you can improve your sleep.

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

[prairierose]

I did list it. 100 mg 5htp the list of supplements was all started 8 weeks ago. please help me I cant do this

[prairierose]

I cant list it like Altos instructions. someone please just help me 

[prairierose]

OK, I did my drug signature. Would a mod please help me to know what to do about all of the drugs and supplements I'm on?  Should I go off any immediately?  Should I wean?

I do not want to take the Klonopin on a regular basis--I just take it when I'm desperate. 

 

[ChessieCat]

8 hours ago, boymom said:

I cant list it like Altos instructions. someone please just help me 

 

In order to help you we need daily symptoms notes.

 

At this time we require you to provide 3 days of symptoms notes otherwise we are unable to work out what is going on and what would be the best suggestions.

 

8 hours ago, boymom said:

I do not want to take the Klonopin on a regular basis--I just take it when I'm desperate. 

 

8 hours ago, Shep said:

Please note that period benzo use is not recommended because it can cause problems with interdose withdrawal and rebound symptoms.  You'll want to take the same amount at the same time every day. 

 

Shep is our very knowledgeable benzo moderator and also has personal experience using benzos.

[Altostrata]

Hello, boymom.

 

Thanks for putting the information in your signature.

 

Please do your best to stay calm. You are scared and it's natural to think of suicide when you can't figure out a solution. Please let those thoughts pass by like clouds, they're only thoughts. Don't let them scare you more. You will get out of this.

 

When you started the 5-HTP, did you find it helped?

 

What time of day do you take Lexapro? Do you feel better afterward?

 

Are your symptoms worse at any particular time of day?

 

What is your sleep schedule?

 

What was the effect of the lamotrigine when you were taking it?

[prairierose]

thank you for responding alto. to answer your questions

1) the 5htp didnt make me feel better until we added the product called calm which has 50mg htp and 100mg gaba (taken in the morning) but then I accidentally messed up my lexapro dose one night and decided to foolishly strike while the iron was hot and reduced the dose to 2.5mg for a week. went back up when I realized I had made a mistake and it hasnt been right since. 

2) i take lexapro at bedtime so i cant say it makes me feel better. once they put me on lexapro I knew pretty quick it was making me worse. that's when the constant suicidal thoughts started. she had me on 20mg within 1 month of starting. (dont even get me started on that lady) I'm now on 5mg

3) the panic attacks and fearful thinking begin approximately between 10am and noon and go through most of the day. ending by around 5pm. after many Epsom salt and essential oils baths and the occasional half klonopin (I wont take them daily bc I am afraid of the addiction possibility and because they make me feel God awful) 

4)bed by 9:30 or 10 and I fall asleep pretty quickly. bad or stressful dreams. lots of sweating. wake at about 6am for the past few weeks with that lovely feeling of dread.

5)is lamotrigine lamictal? I only took it for 2 weeks in January of 2018 after I checked myself into the crisis unit. it made me a zombie but didnt normalize my mood.

 

my counselor told me 5htp was bad to take with lexapro so I didntn take the dose of that or the calm today. I didnt know what to do. just want to feel better fast. going to Hawaii in 18days and it isnt a trip we can cancel or reschedule. I earned it with my business. 

 

thank you for your help

[Altostrata]

Since you've been taking 5-HTP for two months, a taper would be more appropriate. As you had some benefit from Calm, you might take just that, without the additional 5-HTP.

 

The amount of 5-HTP you've been taking is not that much of a concern in combination with Zoloft, but 5-HTP on its own can cause symptoms.

 

What times of day do you take your drugs, including progesterone? Do you take anything in the morning before 10 a.m.?

 

We can't make any promises you'll be all fixed up for your vacation. You may need to go and make the best of it.

[prairierose]

its 5mg of lexapro. how do I taper from a capsule? I didn't take it today and now I'm having horr9bke panic as soon as I sleep 

[ChessieCat]

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

[Rachellynn]

I feel for you sweetheart. Just wanted to send my love❤️

[prairierose]

thank you. I need some of that

[Altostrata]

On 3/22/2019 at 6:20 PM, Altostrata said:

What times of day do you take your drugs, including progesterone? Do you take anything in the morning before 10 a.m.?

 

Please answer questions from the staff.

[prairierose]

between 9 and 10am I take:

the calm drug and the 5htp with my morning vitamins (omega 3s and d3s and mag glycinate, plus vitamin c)

 

at night I take the progesterone with gaba and omega 3 and lexapro 5mg

 

my head hurts so bad. I'm afraid I'm just further destabilizing my brain by coming off of this 5htp. not sleeping well and horrible morning anxiety. waking up 6am full of dread. my family deserves better than this monster I have become

[Altostrata]

When do you have a headache? Does it occur at any particular time of day?

 

We need to figure out if you're taking something that's causing your symptoms. Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms. You can post them in this topic with a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom, drug and dosage) on the right. Post your notes here in your Intro topic.

 

On 3/22/2019 at 4:01 PM, boymom said:

the panic attacks and fearful thinking begin approximately between 10am and noon and go through most of the day. ending by around 5pm.

 

If this ^ is a consistent pattern, something you're taking before 10 a.m. is causing these symptoms. It could very well be

 

1 hour ago, boymom said:

between 9 and 10am I take:

the calm drug and the 5htp with my morning vitamins (omega 3s and d3s and mag glycinate, plus vitamin c)

 

 

What vitamins are you taking between 9-10 a.m.? If I were you, I'd stop taking them right now. Keep notes about any changes in symptom pattern.

 

Do you see where I'm going with this? The stuff you take earlier in the day affects how you feel later in the day.

 

Did you come off the 5-HTP or are you still taking it? If you came off, how did your symptoms change? Did your sleep get worse?

 

If I were you, I'd stop with the self-blame. It's not going to make you feel any better and it's not going to produce an instant cure for you. See

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

[prairierose]

off of lexapro now for 7 weeks. I dont even know who I am anymore. I have lost myself in this process. so much regret guilt and shame. I remember my old life and how fun I was outgoing. now i wake up and not even my family feels like enough reason to live. constant suicidal and other harm thoughts. I dont have the ability to go and enjoy the 4th of July eith my family bc of the huge crowd. I have this awful inner pain. a restlessness I csnt describe but inwant to RIP off my own skin. my brain feels fried bc all of this. i wish i had never come off of the original drug inwas put on for anxiety. i tried going back on it but the s%#^ had already hit the fan by the time I knew what was happening it was too late tonreinstste.i dont feelnlove for the ones I love and I feel hate. they didnt do anything wrong. I'm yelling at my little boy and I never did that before. I used to teach Sunday school and special ed and sing in the choir at church. I ran my own business and had so much fun with my little boy and husband. all of that is over now. I know this isnt right to say but if I knew there was a drug that could make this all go back to normal I would run to it. I know these drugs are poisons but I just dont know how to survive this. I'm just 40 and my life is over now. I know I have a signature but I dont nnkw how to add it here. I'm sure I will get barked at about it. my mental abilities are toast

Edited July 5, 2019 by prairierose
moved from finding meaning forum, was titled "What is all this for"

[prairierose]

I have constant suicidal thoughts. I dont know how I can live through this. my son is 10 as well. my first unimaginable symptom when I came off zoloft was intrusive thoughts I would hurt him. those thoughts have never gone away and now that I am off of lexapro I feel so muhc anger and nothingness inside. I csnt close my eyes without imagery of hurting him or myself or my husband. I never had these before the drugs. I dont want to die but I just dont want to live anymore.  I look at my son and my heart used to pitter patter and now I feel guilt knowing that he is no longer enough to keep going. I cant make this stop. i wish I had never done this. my life is gone

[xena81]

Hi boymom, 

First I want to say that I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely understand you!!! 

 

Those were the thoughts in my head, but my actions differed. I threw away the pills, and reached out to all my close friends and family members for help. I tried to distract myself and push through knowing these thoughts were not mine. I also thought my son was not enough to keep me here at my lowest. And I felt guilty and ashamed that I felt that way. His father succumbed to depression and took his life. I cannot do this to my son, so I fought, and fought, and fought, and fought and I am still fighting. It is not an easy process, but I assure you that things will get better!!!! Just please promise me that you will talk to your therapist if you have one, talk to your friends, talk to me. I am very proud of you that you shared your thoughts with us. It is not an easy thing to do, but it will help you push through. I completely stopped zoloft on 7/22/19. It's been almost a year with no meds and I am doing so much better. I socialize with my friends as much as possible, because being alone was making things worse. I work out as much as possible because it helps me tremendously. I also felt that I did not want to live and the emotional anguish was too painful to bare. Please, your life is not over. I am not experienced in tapering off, but everyone here is wonderful and they gave me lots of great advice. It is also very helpful to know that you are not alone. Things will get better.  The fact that you made the effort to get on this site and share your hardship shows me that you are a fighter!!! I am very proud of you. Please reach out to me any time, I am very happy to help. Even if you would like to vent and get some relief of these horrific feelings, I am here  

 

Moderation Note:  This post has been edited to remove material that is against SA policy. The unedited text has been saved for future reference.

Edited July 4, 2019 by brassmonkey