wantrelief

[neroli]

💜💜 Mwah - to a fellow f-i-a!

[wantrelief]

Update:  I did end up dropping by another 2.5% last night and am now essentially at 16 mg citalopram.  I am anxious, as always, about the drop but hopefully things will continue as they have.  I have had waves throughout the taper and have gotten through them and come back to my baseline.

 

It has been almost one year since I started this current taper with a destabilized nervous system, perhaps from tolerance but I guess there is never really a way to know for sure what happened to me.  Although there haven't been any significant changes in terms of how I feel in the last year, I keep holding onto hope that at some point my brain will catch up.  Although I realize that may not happen until I am fully off all of the drugs, I do so hope I get some hint of positive change indicating I am on the right path somewhere in the tapering process.

 

I have continued to work on coping skills as my mind is still plagued by fear, doubt, and intrusive thoughts, including fairly consistent SI.   I am playing a bit with affirmations and talking to myself outloud to sooth myself.  There is something powerful hearing my own voice say comforting words.  

 

I also continue to try to work on how I deal with headache pain.  I wasn't as vigilant last month with how I was coping with this and am trying to be more so this month, holding off on taking pain medication if possible. 

 

As always, I am so very grateful to everyone here and all of your support and encouragement.  💗

 

With much gratitude, WR. 🙏

 

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

(((Wantrelief))). I'm glad you felt you could reduce the dose last night.  You are in my thoughts. -- Rosetta

[wantrelief]

Hugs back at you, @Rosetta.  You are in my thoughts too.  🙂

[Rabe]

Just thinking about you WR...hoping you were able to gauge whether to make a cut or not and so hope today is an ok day for you my friend!  💜

[wantrelief]

Thanks for your message @Rabe.  I did end up making a cut....so anxiety provoking!  Hopefully it will go ok.  I hope today is an ok day for you as well. 💗

 

[RachelSusan]

Hi Wantrelief,

Like you I get nervous every time I make a cut. I understand.  You are doing so good.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you having a smooth taper. 

RS

 

[wantrelief]

Thank you very much for your sweet and encouraging message, @RachelSusan.  It is good to know I am not the only one who gets nervous with cutting.  I suppose it makes sense as we don't know how it is going to go....I keep trying to tell myself that I will be able to get through whatever may come.  I really appreciate your support! 

[Flowers]

Dear WR

 

There is not much to add from what the others have said  but you are one strong lady.  Any drop in dose is anxiety provoking  when you have worked so hard to keep things stable.

 

I am sorry you are still faced with a lot of horrible symptoms - I never hear you complain - only go on supporting and helping others.  You are doing so well gradually coming down. I am full of admiration for you and grateful for your kindness and support. 

 

Good luck with this latest drop.

 

Lots of love and hugs

 

Flowers xxx

 

  

[wantrelief]

I just wrote you a message and then saw you had written here!  Oh Flowers, thank you so much for your kind words....you have no idea how much they mean to me.  In terms of complaining, I do plenty of that here and in private (my poor husband!) as it has been very trying feeling this way for approximately a year and a half.  I am trying very hard to accept this situation as best as I can and learn what I can in terms of coping to get through but it is all so very challenging.  

 

43 minutes ago, Flowers said:

I am full of admiration for you and grateful for your kindness and support. 

That is exactly how I feel about you!  I admire you very much, Flowers, and am so very grateful for all of your continued support through this journey....it really helps.  Together we will make it through.

 

Much love,

WR.

 

 

[Rabe]

Hi WR!  Just thinking about you my friend and wanted you to know.  Hoping today treated you kindly.  Take care my friend! 💜

[neroli]

On 2/4/2019 at 7:42 AM, wantrelief said:

I have continued to work on coping skills as my mind is still plagued by fear, doubt, and intrusive thoughts, including fairly consistent SI.   I am playing a bit with affirmations and talking to myself outloud to sooth myself.  There is something powerful hearing my own voice say comforting words.  

Hello WR

 

This is so hard to live with, I feel for you.  I get them, too and have to find ways to deal with them.  Sometimes just telling myself to hang on and tomorrow could be different.

 

I'm glad you've found that talking out loud to yourself is soothing - I might try it someday.

 

Hope you've had a reasonable day today.  We had a public holiday, so another day of not working.  This morning was emotionally difficult, then I went for.a walk and had a doze after lunch which helped to get my energy up a bit and put aside the dark thoughts.

 

Wishing you all the best wiahes I can send over the water.

 

xxxxx f-i-a

 

Neroli 💜

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your sweet message of support, @neroli.....I really appreciate your encouragement so very much.  So far so good with the latest cut but it is still early days.  I also have my monthly hormonal upheaval in play so that is always challenging.  

 

On 2/5/2019 at 10:19 PM, neroli said:

Sometimes just telling myself to hang on and tomorrow could be different.

Yes, I do this too as tomorrow could always be different.

 

On 2/5/2019 at 10:19 PM, neroli said:

We had a public holiday, so another day of not working.  This morning was emotionally difficult, then I went for.a walk and had a doze after lunch which helped to get my energy up a bit and put aside the dark thoughts.

I am glad your day off went well after a rocky start.  How lovely you were able to put aside the dark thoughts....it always feels so good to get a break from them.  I am really sorry you deal with the awful thoughts as well.

 

I am hoping the rest of your week has been a good one.  It is great you were able to maintain your last dose decrease and now you get a break from tapering - yay!

 

I am thinking about you, my f-i-a.  Much love, WR. 💗

[neroli]

5 hours ago, wantrelief said:

So far so good with the latest cut

Hello WR

 

May this continue - you never know, this could be one where you don't have any disruption  - I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.  Dang those hormones, though, what a burden on top of everything else.  So, I hope those, too, are not debilitating.

 

I have had a good day - at the office, quite calm and even bright and sociable. Feels a bit eerie, actually.  Maybe the two days off helped?  Maybe acupuncture helped?  Who knows?

 

So, we'll see how the weekend goes for both of us.

 

much love

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

[marconyc]

@wantrelief I hope this latest cut goes well. I am inspired by your ability to tolerate the symptoms of withdrawal without freaking out. 

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your message @neroli. I am so glad you had a good day, sounds wonderful!  And thank you, @marconyc, for your sweet message.  I wish I was able not to freak out about the symptoms, but unfortunately, I do get anxious about them.  This is especially true when new ones arrive as my baseline is already fairly uncomfortable so any change is challenging.  Speaking of which.....

 

For the last few mornings I have startled awake upon hearing a noise.....I am not even sure the noise is happening or if I am imagining it.  I know this is a common withdrawal symptom but it is still unsettling and a difficult way to wake up.  I am still waking up in the early morning hours but now it is with a jolt.  I already use two white noise machines to try to block sound. I have never been able to use ear plugs so can't do that.  I will see how this all goes over the next few weeks as I hold and hopefully it will pass. Ugh.

 

 

[Survivor1]

On 2/3/2019 at 12:42 PM, wantrelief said:

talking to myself outloud to sooth myself.  There is something powerful hearing my own voice say comforting words.  

 

Hello wantrelief,

 

I have not posted in your thread before, but wanted to stop by with support.  You are one of the few that I have seen who talks out loud, and I really resonate with this as it is one of the best coping skills I have.  I "discovered" it a long time ago, when I ct'd Seroquel and was in a terrible state.  And for me it works great.  At the risk of sounding completely loco, at my worst, I used to say gibberish (on purpose!) out aloud too, and that was even better because I did not have to think what to say.  Maybe try that (without anyone around, else they might commit you, lol).  It was a similar feeling to the baby pose in yoga, felt freeing.

 

2 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I have startled awake upon hearing a noise.

 

I have had a horrible experience with this in the past - it lasted months.  Sounded like elephants trumpeting, crunches, drones, gunshots. It was very disconcerting and terrifying.  And it subsided.  My most recent was only three weeks ago that lasted two weeks, and it is gone now.  Have faith, it will go away.

 

Sorry for your suffering.  Tolerance issues are hard to deal with.  At least with me I know I mine is from WD, and with patience, I will stabilize.

 

Take care.

[wantrelief]

Thank you so much for your support, @Survivor1!  Yeah, I think the talking aloud to myself has been the most helpful coping tool I've found yet along with breathing and mindfulness.  I am so glad you have found it helpful as well.

 

3 minutes ago, Survivor1 said:

I have had a horrible experience with this in the past - it lasted months.  Sounded like elephants trumpeting, crunches, drones, gunshots. It was very disconcerting and terrifying.  And it subsided.  My most recent was only three weeks ago that lasted two weeks, and it is gone now.  Have faith, it will go away.

Oh thank you for your reassurance this will go away.  It is a scary way to wake up and is indeed disconcerting.  I am so glad that even when this symptom resurfaced for you it did go away again. 

 

8 minutes ago, Survivor1 said:

Sorry for your suffering.  Tolerance issues are hard to deal with.  At least with me I know I mine is from WD, and with patience, I will stabilize.

Thank you.  I am not sure if I am in true tolerance or what but the drug certainly isn't helping me.  It is very hard to deal with as no matter what I do, I have symptoms and don't stabilize in a good sense, like feeling like myself again.  I really appreciate your empathy and support very much.  💗

[neroli]

4 hours ago, wantrelief said:

For the last few mornings I have startled awake upon hearing a noise.....I am not even sure the noise is happening or if I am imagining it.  I know this is a common withdrawal symptom but it is still unsettling and a difficult way to wake up.  I am still waking up in the early morning hours but now it is with a jolt.  I already use two white noise machines to try to block sound. I have never been able to use ear plugs so can't do that.  I will see how this all goes over the next few weeks as I hold and hopefully it will pass. Ugh.

Hello WR f-i-a

 

Ugh is exactly the right sentiment.  Hope the holding resolves that startling wake-up.

 

Just to let you know that today feels like business as usual, anxiety humming away, fatigued, woozy and the legs.

 

So glad we have our communication...helps immensely.

 

xx

Neroli 💜

[wantrelief]

Hello @neroli,

 

51 minutes ago, neroli said:

Ugh is exactly the right sentiment.  Hope the holding resolves that startling wake-up

Yes, "ugh" seems to be my favorite word these days.  I appreciate your well wishes regarding holding....I do so hope that it helps resolve this new symptom.  

 

52 minutes ago, neroli said:

Just to let you know that today feels like business as usual, anxiety humming away, fatigued, woozy and the legs.

I am very sorry to hear you are having a bad symptom day, my friend.  It is heartening that you have had better days though recently; there is a lot of hope in that.

 

54 minutes ago, neroli said:

So glad we have our communication...helps immensely.

Me too, it really does help.

 

Hang in there, Neroli.  I sure hope you feel better as the day progresses.  

[Rosetta]

Holding in my thoughts, Wantrelief.  Sometimes, I wake up that way, too.  Take care, R

[Kristine]

❤️

[wantrelief]

Aw, thank you for your sweet messages @Rosetta and @Kristine!  I am sorry you deal with this symptom too, Rosetta.  It is so hard not to panic with new symptoms even though, intellectually, I know this is all a part of this process.  Love to you both, WR.

[Rabe]

Hi WR...Im sorry for all you are dealing with.  I agree that new things are hard because what we have already seems so much.  Hoping this is related to the taper and will pass as things stabilize a bit again.  Thinking about you so much!!  I look at your signature and you have dealt with so much yet come SO far!!  Courage and strength.  Take care my friend!!💜

[wantrelief]

Hi @Rabe - Thank you so much for your compassionate message, especially as I know you aren't feeling well. The last couple of mornings I haven't had the sound/jolt thing happen so fingers crossed it has passed. 

 

21 minutes ago, Rabe said:

I look at your signature and you have dealt with so much yet come SO far!!  Courage and strength.

Oh Rabe, thank you so much for saying that.  I try very hard not to get overwhelmed about how far I have to go and instead look at where I am.  I am grateful I've been able to cut what I have and just hope I am able to continue forward.  I will re-read your message when I am feeling discouraged.

 

I so hope you have a better day soon, my friend.  

 

 

[jen84]

On 2/3/2019 at 10:42 AM, wantrelief said:

I am playing a bit with affirmations and talking to myself outloud to sooth myself.  There is something powerful hearing my own voice say comforting words.  

I am so glad im not the only one who does this. I find I talk to myself when im in a dark place and cant control my thoughts. I guess it helps me work through all the voices so to say, and hearing my own voice seems to put it all into perspective. 

 

I hope your sound/jolt awakenings ease up for you. 

[neroli]

Hello WR

 

Came over to your thread to have another look at how you are doing.  You gave me such support and encouragement today, I am very grateful for that.

 

On 2/11/2019 at 1:15 PM, wantrelief said:

I try very hard not to get overwhelmed about how far I have to go and instead look at where I am.  I am grateful I've been able to cut what I have and just hope I am able to continue forward.

This is so true, the overwhelm of how far there is to go and the potential for having to deal with the effects for a long time.  I do hope that the way forward brings you to a more acceptable place.  I think it is so very sad and infuriating that we took tablets we thought would make things better and have been left much worse.  

 

Thank you again, my friend.

 

xxxx

 

Neroli 💜

[wantrelief]

On 2/10/2019 at 8:03 PM, jen84 said:

I am so glad im not the only one who does this. I find I talk to myself when im in a dark place and cant control my thoughts. I guess it helps me work through all the voices so to say, and hearing my own voice seems to put it all into perspective. 

 

I hope your sound/jolt awakenings ease up for you. 

Thanks for stopping by, Jen. I am glad you've found talking to yourself whilst in a difficult place helpful as well.  It makes sense what you are saying, that hearing your own voice puts all of the WD messages we are getting into perspective....I think this is why it is helpful for me too.  Thank you for the well wishes regarding the sound/jolt awakenings.  Fortunately they have stopped for which I am very grateful.  

[wantrelief]

Thank you for popping by, @neroli.  I am doing ok, continuing to muddle along.  I have had an uptick in feeling more teary/emotional but I believe that is probably related to hormones rather than withdrawal.  It also has been a strange time as the Seattle area has been hit with several snow storms in a row which is very unusual for us and the city is very difficult to navigate with snow and ice (there are many hills here).  As a result I haven't been able to get out as much as I would like to and am finding that challenging. I very much hope you have a better day today, my friend.  I am thinking about you, WR.

[DMV64]

Hey there. Wondering how you are...going to try to do some thread reading now. Check in with me ok? xo

[Carmie]

Hi wantrelief, 

 

Thanks for popping around to my thread the other day, much appreciated. I’m glad you’re continuing to muddle along. Muddling  along certainly is the right term for what we seem to be doing. 😁 Well said! 

 

Wow! So you’ve had a lot of snow storms. I hope the weather settles a bit for you soon so you can get out and about more. I haven’t seen snow since I was a teenager and lived in Germany. There’s plenty of snow there. I hear America has gone through quite a cold spell. It’s the opposite where I live here in Queensland, I’ve got the aircon on all the time. I can’t sleep without it on.

 

I’m glad to hear that saying positive affirmations out loud is soothing to you. What is your favourite affirmation? 

 

Wishing you all  the best in your recovery journey.💚

[wantrelief]

Hi @DMV64 - Thank you for stopping by!  I am doing ok....dealing with the usual fears I have around this process.  I think part of the fear is organic and related to withdrawal but sometimes I know I can make it worse.  So I am trying to catch those thoughts and not feed into the fear but sometimes that is easier said than done!

 

@Carmie - Thank you for your message. In terms of affirmations, I just say simple, comforting things to myself like "you are going to be ok" or "you can get through this".  There are others but I can't seem to think of them at the moment.

 

I hope both of you are doing as well as can be.

[Rosetta]

Hi, Wantrelief.  I hope you are doing ok.  The intense snowstorm is very unusual for your area!  I hope you are doing ok.  It will be over soon. -R

[wantrelief]

2 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Hi, Wantrelief.  I hope you are doing ok.  The intense snowstorm is very unusual for your area!  I hope you are doing ok.  It will be over soon. -R

Hi Rosetta.  Thank you for your message....it is always good to hear from you.  The amount of snow we got was very unusual for sure.  It is now very slowly melting away.  I read on your thread that you are going on a trip....I hope you have a good time!  I will be thinking about you, WR.

[neroli]

Hello WR

 

Thanks so much for popping in on me. It has been a difficult week.  Not only the WR/damage making it difficult to work without blobbing, but then yesterday I cricked my back (just plumping up a cushion) and that made the legs worse.  I worked at home and re-drafted yet another memo but at the end of that I was in quite bad pain.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch and managed to doze/sleep for a few hours.

 

Today the back is a little better and I've done my shopping but the rest of the time I've been on the couch, supine listening to whatever I can to take my mind up.

 

Again, I looked at your signature and am reminded that you are dealing with one heck of a drug history - that I am not alone in this venture, and it gives me a bit more of a boost to think that I can hang in.

 

Well, as I hope our temperatures drop (am about to close my curtains, the mid-afternoon sun is streaming in), I hope your temperatures lift and that snow gets out of the way.

 

Thanks for giving me a gee up.

 

love, f-i-a

xx💜

Neroli 

 

 

[Rabe]

Hi WR...I just wanted to pop in to tell you I have been thinking about you and so hoping things are going ok for you?  I had my GI things done...if had a do over would NEVer have done that.  In and out of ER and SO ill!  The stress factor is so so huge ... but i seem to forget that when I am feeling at all better.

Please take care and know that I think about you daily even if not here.  Hugs ti you WR! 💜