wantrelief

[wantrelief]

4 hours ago, Katy398 said:

you’ve come so far. 

Thank you for your kind message, Katy, and for your encouragement.....it means a lot. Sometimes it is difficult to see progress when feeling so unwell but nevertheless your message helped remind me to appreciate what I have accomplished thus far.

 

I hope you are doing as well as possible. I was so happy to read about the positive changes you have experienced recently.....more are coming your way!

[wantrelief]

9 hours ago, JS11 said:

On Thursday, I will have been AD free for a year, however, it is a bittersweet victory as  I bumped up my ADXR by 5mg about a month ago.

But the one thing we all have in common is that stubborn refusal to give up.

Your road has been an arduous one. (I do know that journey.) But I also know the amazing strength and grace you have inside. 

Thinking of you my friend as I often do. 

 

Thank you so much for your lovely message and for your support, JS......I really appreciate it.

 

Oh my goodness - congratulations on being one year free of the AD!!  I know your journey has not been easy either but, yes, we stick with it.  I often have a lot of doubts and fears but so far have stuck to the path as hard as that is at times.  I think of you often too and hope you have seen some improvements over this last year.  Much love to you, WR.

[Ariel]

Hi @wantrelief

Thinking grateful thoughts in your direction. 

Looks like you made a drop yesterday. 

You are so very brave and tenacious in your taper.

Patience and perseverance for the win! 

How are you going? 

Wishes of peace and healing vibes <3

[wantrelief]

Hi there @Ariel:  Thank you for stopping by my thread and for your very kind words.  

 

1 hour ago, Ariel said:

Thinking grateful thoughts in your direction. 

I am thinking them back as I am grateful for you and your presence here. 💖

 

I did indeed make a drop last night, the second in my series of four small drops. I have noticed my stomach is a bit more sensitive as of late.  I have no idea if this is related to the tapering, external stressors (I can't seem to get away from those lately), or.....who knows.  I will be keeping an eye on it and see how things progress.....hopefully it is just a phase and something that will rectify itself. 

 

I am thinking of you, Ariel, and sending lots of good thoughts your way, WR.

[Soup]

@wantreliefsending you healing hugs and wide open windows 

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your sweet message @Soup. I hope you feel some improvement very soon.  

[Soup]

@wantrelief just wanted to send you healing thoughts and hope that things might be a little bit better for you 🙏🏻

[Roserdl]

Love and gratitude WR

[wantrelief]

I just signed in and happened upon these lovely messages @Soup and @Roserdl.  Thank you so much! Your kindness helps me feel less alone. 🙏 💖

[Ariel]

@wantrelief

Thinking of you ...

How is your tummy? 

 

I have been feeling quite confused by my belly lately, it seems like I'm getting lots of mixed messages! 

Chances are the signals are clear and I'm the one mixing them up, as muddled as I get with WD brain. 

Anyhow, I'm taking a hiatus from problem-solving and trying to fix anything. I wasn't getting anywhere with my not-so-bright ideas.

It's tricky to step away sometimes. Monkey mind says I'm giving up and I shouldn't quit.

I tell it I'm not quitting, I'm letting go in favor of taking a break. 

I can count on monkey to come up with the least charitable, most uneasy interpretation of things. Monkey sees rest as a threat. 

Today I say, Surrender is not defeat! It is energy conservation. 

Chew on that, monkey. 

 

Hope your drop is treating you kindly and that your days and night are gentle. 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

A.

[wantrelief]

Hi @Ariel: Thank you for your kind message and for checking-in.  

 

My stomach seems ok at least for the time being so I plan on moving forward with my small taper this evening 

 

I am sorry you have been having some belly confusion as well lately. Personally, I think it is fine to take a hiatus from problem-solving and trying to fix things as that can get exhausting.  I am sorry your monkey-mind is saying you are giving up. It is funny as sometimes my monkey mind tells me I am not doing enough! 

 

4 hours ago, Ariel said:

Today I say, Surrender is not defeat! It is energy conservation. 

I like this!  I think there is some truth to it as well.

 

Thank you for being here, Ariel. I hope you are doing as well as can be.  Sending you lots of hugs and healing vibes back at you! 

 

 

[Ariel]

@wantrelief

Thank you for the hugs and kind wishes.

Glad your stomach seems okay for the time being. 

Good luck with your next drop. I'll be thinking of you.

Sending healing vibes <3

[Rosetta]

Hi, wantrelief.  I hope you are feeling better. -Rosetta

[wantrelief]

How lovely to "see" you @Rosetta.  Thank you for your message.  I am hanging in there, one day at a time.  I hope you have continued to see improvements. 🤞

[Roserdl]

Hello WR

 

Thinking of you and hoping you are seeing some positive change

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your sweet message and for thinking of me, @Roserdl. Unfortunately I haven't experienced any positive changes but that is how this seems to work for me.....I don't get the window/wave pattern most people describe.  I suppose the good news is that nothing has worsened since I restarted tapering in May.....I am grateful for that!

[Rosetta]

I’m glad to hear that you have not seen a backslide.  You have made so much progress on your taper!  Wow.  That’s fantastic.  I’m sorry you don’t see windows.  Perhaps they are very short-lived for you and are not much better than baseline, or something like that.  Who knows.
 

I’m still swinging back and forth, but the arc is so much shorter.  I won’t say it’s not hard to fall back.  It is. However, I feel I’m almost living a normal life at times if not for the giant hole I dug while I was very sick.  I’m still taking baby steps on digging out and struggling with the stress of living in chaos, but I’m prioritizing living instead of wallowing in the wreck of my life - most of the time.  So, that’s positive.

 

I hope you can do the same — kind of live your life as much as possible within the limitations of WD, and not feel that you must hide or protect yourself any more than necessary.  It’s a very hard balance to strike, and I probably over do it sometimes.  
 

Have a nice weekend! - Rosetta

 

 

[wantrelief]

Hi Rosetta:  Thank you so much for your message and for your encouragement!

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I’m sorry you don’t see windows

Well, I should clarify that I did have a long window last year where I felt like myself for the most part and that was absolutely amazing after 3.5 years of misery.  Unfortunately I had a health problem develop that caused quite a bit of stress/anxiety and I found myself back to the same baseline I had before (starting in 2017). So when I am in this "place" I don't have windows but it was very heartening to experience that shift last year. Although I must admit now it doesn't feel like that even happened and of course my WD brain is doubting it will again, or if it does it isn't going to stick and I'll keep experiencing these extreme states. Also I was so bummed as I thought I had tapered out of what I thought was tolerance and it would be smooth sailing from there but, alas, that appears to not be the case.

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I feel I’m almost living a normal life at times

This is just amazing to hear, Rosetta, and I am so happy for you!!  I know it must be really hard to fall back but to hear that the arc is much shorter now is such good news and sounds very positive.  It has been wonderful to witness your healing unfold. 

 

Thank you for all of your continued support.....it means so much to me.

[Roserdl]

Praying for you tonight.

 

Sleep well

 

 

[wantrelief]

Thank you, @Roserdl!  I am thinking about you and hoping you are doing as well as can be.

[Ariel]

Sending so many appreciative thoughts in your direction @wantrelief

You are my hero of keeping on keeping on <3

All my gratitude, respect, support to you --

Hugs and healing vibes <3

A. 

[wantrelief]

What a wonderful message to receive!  Thank you so much for your kind words, @Ariel.....they and you are really appreciated. 🙏

[Ariel]

Hello dear @wantrelief

Thank you so much for your kind words in my thread. 

I have read and re-read them, and have felt comforted and fortified every time.

I feel lucky to find such a staunch support in you. Thank you for being here.

Thinking of you and wishing you continued strength, courage, patience on your path.

You already exemplify all of the above, of course, as evidenced by your remarkable perseverance.

Give yourself so much credit for your hard work, it's truly impressive. 

Do you remember to celebrate yourself? Do you have any personal reward rituals in which you indulge? 

(You don't have to reveal your secrets. I just hope you regularly take a moment or two to appreciate how amazing you are.)

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

A. 

 

[wantrelief]

Dearest @Ariel:  Thank you so very much for your message and for everything you said.  Your words have helped provide a much needed boost to my day.

 

1 hour ago, Ariel said:

I feel lucky to find such a staunch support in you. Thank you for being here.

I feel the same about you, so fortunate to have your support on this most difficult of journeys.  I really appreciate you and am so grateful you are here....thank you for being here for me and for being you!  💖

[Ariel]

@wantrelief

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes <3

[wantrelief]

Hello SA friends,

 

I am restarting my taper after a 3-week hold.

 

There haven't been any changes in my symptoms so I remain "stabily (is that a word?) unstable".

 

I have been under quite a bit of stress as my psychiatrist has suddenly decided she has had enough of how slow I am going with my taper.  I won't get into all of the details but I need to find a new provider as I don't want to follow her tapering plan.  Since I found this all out I have been really anxious.  I was debating if I should continue on with my taper given the stress I am under but I don't know when this situation is going to be resolved (it has to be by six months as that is the amount of time she has given me to find a new prescriber) and I don't want to keep putting off tapering. I do have a couple of ideas and my therapist is also helping me which brings me some hope as he seems well connected and has expressed optimism that we will find someone who understands my plight.   When I am feeling more hopeful, I see this could be a blessing in disguise if I can find someone who is more supportive of what I am trying to do. I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out, somehow someway it will come together but I'll admit I am pretty scared.

 

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.  Thank you for being here.  I am grateful to have this place where I can write out what is going on, express my fears and be understood.  

[Soup]

@wantrelief I hope you can find a new prescriber who is the right fit for you and can support you the way you need to be supported . You are so strong even if you do not feel it . Be very proud of yourself for all you are doing in this trying time . Keep looking for the sunshine . 

[wantrelief]

Dearest @Soup:  Thank you so much for your message.  I also hope I can find a new prescriber who is a better fit.  It is pretty scary not having this resolved and having to deal with this whilst feeling unwell.  It sure helps to read your supportive and kind words.

 

I know you are also going through a trying time and I am so sorry for that.  I am rooting you on and so hoping you find some relief soon.  Keep holding on, brave Soup.

[Erell]

Hello dear @wantrelief, 
I am sorry to hear that your psychiatrist has decided to stop supporting you in your tapering process.

Health professionals must take their responsibilities and if they are able to prescribe, then they must also take responsibility for accompanying the cessation, and do so while respecting the needs of the patient. It is not the case, unfortunately, but your stress is perfectly understandable and legitimate. ❤️ 

 

It is also stressful to make the effort to seek information, to do everything to taper ourselves off the drug in the right way, and to feel that barriers are being put in our way while we do our best to be rigorous in this process.

I'm glad to read that you can find support from your therapist, that's the support you deserve.

 

15 hours ago, wantrelief said:

When I am feeling more hopeful, I see this could be a blessing in disguise if I can find someone who is more supportive of what I am trying to do.

That's what I wish for you, and I hope you can meet this person soon.

 

If this was not the case, how do you feel about seeing a doctor who may not be aware of your taper?

 

I mean, I would prefer that we could rely on the support of those who prescribe these molecules, and I think it's important to make our doctors aware of these issues, but when that's not possible, I think the most important thing is to ensure our physical and mental safety.

And unfortunately, with the situation as it is and the lack of recognition of withdrawal issues, we sometimes have no choice but to lie.

This is my case: tired of only coming across doctors who not only don't know the difficulties of withdrawal, but also don't want to read the documentation I present to them to try to explain my needs, I don't talk about tapering any more for the moment to the professionals I see and I just ask them for a prescription for 10mg liquid Prozac, and I manage my thing on my own.

 

When I first came to SA, a member once said to me: "If the system doesn't help you, use the system", and that's what I'm doing now to make sure I'm doing what's best for my body.

 

I am rooting for you ❤️ 

[wantrelief]

Thank you so much for support and sharing your thoughts @Erell.  I wish I had started this process out by lying as I fear I will have the same experience you have had (I also have had several terrible experiences in the past with doctors).  It is complicated though because, unfortunately, I have started this process with being honest.  I think it will be difficult to undue as prospective prescribers will probably contact my current provider (one has already mentioned this being part of his process).  I also have been open with my primary care doctor about what I have been attempting and all of the medical records these days are visible/available to others electronically so any new primary care provider would see her notes.  There are a couple of online options, however, that I will seek out if I can't find anyone locally.  They are providers I have read about on here who apparently support folks coming off of psychotropic drugs (Free Range is one). So there are hopefully some providers out there with more open minds but until I know for sure it is hard to feel settled. 

 

23 minutes ago, Erell said:

I am rooting for you ❤️ 

Thank you so much, Erell.....and I for you!  Your continued support means so very much to me. ❤️

[Ariel]

Hi @wantrelief

Ugh, I'm so sorry about the situation with your (ex-)psychiatrist. That sounds all kinds of stressful, and don't even get me started on how unfair and unethical. Part of me wants to say "good riddance" (insert a lengthy string of expletives), although I know it's not that simple given the practical implications.

 

On 8/22/2022 at 4:47 AM, wantrelief said:

I do have a couple of ideas and my therapist is also helping me which brings me some hope as he seems well connected and has expressed optimism that we will find someone who understands my plight.   When I am feeling more hopeful, I see this could be a blessing in disguise if I can find someone who is more supportive of what I am trying to do. I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out, somehow someway it will come together but I'll admit I am pretty scared.

 

You are very brave, WR. This is the line we are so often called upon to walk: working on solutions while feeling scared at the same time. 

Your courage and strength have served you well thus far and will continue to be your allies through this next challenge. 

I'm glad your therapist has been helpful and hope he continues to support you on your journey. 

 

On 8/22/2022 at 8:25 PM, wantrelief said:

think it will be difficult to undue as prospective prescribers will probably contact my current provider (one has already mentioned this being part of his process).  I also have been open with my primary care doctor about what I have been attempting and all of the medical records these days are visible/available to others electronically so any new primary care provider would see her notes.

 

I hear you on this. It can be so upsetting to feel like we've been locked into a medical-journal version of our history. One more example of psychiatry and the medical establishment abusing power by controlling the narrative. I've had some distressing experiences related to this, too, and I really feel for you in regards to how uncomfortable it can be psychologically and logistically untenable when it comes to moving forward. 

I'm so sorry. 

 

I trust you will find a workable way around this. However creatively or surreptitiously you might have to finagle it, I believe in your intelligence and determination, and you will blaze a trail for yourself. 

 

Holding space for your experience, sending hugs and healing vibes <3

 

[wantrelief]

Hi @Ariel:

 

I can't thank you enough for your words of encouragement. 

 

37 minutes ago, Ariel said:

It can be so upsetting to feel like we've been locked into a medical-journal version of our history. One more example of psychiatry and the medical establishment abusing power by controlling the narrative.

Exactly and why I am so frightened.  Plus being on clonazepam complicates matters as no one wants to prescribe that and I've already been on it so much longer than I anticipated.

 

42 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I'm glad your therapist has been helpful and hope he continues to support you on your journey.

I believe my therapist will stick by me so that is my greatest hope as I've had good experiences in the past with a therapist working as my advocate in these matters.

 

40 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I trust you will find a workable way around this. However creatively or surreptitiously you might have to finagle it, I believe in your intelligence and determination, and you will blaze a trail for yourself. 

Thank you for your belief in me and trust that I will find a path forward.  I am having a lot of catastrophizing thoughts around this situation. Your supportive words will help me continue to fight these thoughts off and work towards finding a solution. 

 

Once again you've brought me a lot of solace, Ariel.  I am forever grateful. 

 

[Erell]

Hello dear @wantrelief, 
 

On 8/22/2022 at 8:25 PM, wantrelief said:

 It is complicated though because, unfortunately, I have started this process with being honest.  I think it will be difficult to undue as prospective prescribers will probably contact my current provider (one has already mentioned this being part of his process).  I also have been open with my primary care doctor about what I have been attempting and all of the medical records these days are visible/available to others electronically so any new primary care provider would see her notes.  

 

I'm sorry, I didn't realise that you live in a country where medical history is digitised and accessible to all health professionals. (I live in a country where we still have, for the moment but it's evolving, the choice of having a digital medical record or not.)

 

How is going your efforts to find a new practicioner ? Have you find some names here ?

 

I admire and draw strength from your determination: you have made so much progress in your tapering!
I know that this is not without difficulties and I wish I could more than offer you my support in this long process ❤️ 
Have you seen these success stories shared by Altostrata? (https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1226-recovery-success-stories-from-around-the-web/?do=findComment&comment=609568)
They all say the same thing, that no matter how horrible we go through and how long the ordeal lasts, healing IS the result. 
But it's good to hear new stories: as you know, our minds need to hear it to keep believing, and each new story is new evidence to present to our worried brains  

 

Sending you much love !

 

[wantrelief]

Hello dearest @Erell:

 

It was lovely to receive your message.  I have been thinking about you and hoping you are doing as well as possible.  I know this is a rough time for you so your reaching out means a lot to me.

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

I admire and draw strength from your determination: you have made so much progress in your tapering!
I know that this is not without difficulties and I wish I could more than offer you my support in this long process ❤️

Thank you so much for your kind words.  The feelings are mutual as your own strength and determination to see this process through helps me to keep going. You are an inspiration to me!  And your support is beyond helpful, Erell.....as you know this can all feel so lonely and scary so your encouragement is always so helpful and very much appreciated. ❤️

 

Thank you for checking-in regarding the provider search. I don't have any news yet as the search is just getting underway. However I am very grateful to have the help of my therapist who seems optimistic we will find someone....that helps me feel a bit less anxious as anxiety/fear is high these days. Until this is resolved I think it will be challenging to feel settled (as settled as I can be anyway in WD).  It is definitely very difficult to be dealing with this whilst feeling so unwell.  Hopefully it is just another bump in the road and will be resolved and I can get on with dealing with "just withdrawal" which is quite enough!

 

Thank you also for the link to the additional success stories.  I had seen that and it is good to have more evidence of healing.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

each new story is new evidence to present to our worried brains

This made me smile as indeed my brain is quite worried all of the time and doesn't always believe healing is inevitable for me.  I will keep trying to believe though!

 

Sending lots of love to you, WR.

[Erell]

Hello dear @wantrelief, 

I was sure I had answered your message, and now, when I come to see your thread, I realise that this is not the case.

I look at your signature : I know how hard it is to rejoice, or celebrate anything when we wake up every morning in this withdrawal foggy anxiety, and in any case rejoicing is not an obligation. But I'm amazed by your progress : here you are at 4mg of citalopram, after being up to 35mg!

I don't know if you feel strong or proud, but I know that your journey gives me a lot of strength and shows me that this path is possible.

Patiently and gradually continuing this tapering process requires a lot of strenght, and I thank you for sharing your journey with us.

I am really happy to know that you can count on the support of a therapist who is understanding and willing to accompany you at your own pace. It's really good to feel supported, and you deserve that support.

I send you my most serene wishes  
 

[wantrelief]

Hello @Erell:

How lovely it was to receive your supportive message this morning!  Thank you very much for recognizing my progress. It does feel good to be at the lowest point I've ever been on an AD.  Even though my baseline of symptoms are really difficult to cope with, I try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. Realizing citalopram is no longer "working" (or at least that is the working theory) has helped me get to where I am as I don't feel I have any choice but to keep going. I just hope in the end this is worth it as it is such a painful process to go through and the unknown is quite difficult. The success stories tell us it is worth it but that can be hard to truly believe while struggling, at least for me, but I keep trying!  😉

 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

I know how hard it is to rejoice, or celebrate anything when we wake up every morning in this withdrawal foggy anxiety

Ha ha - yes, so true....more like survival rather than rejoicing but, yet, you remind me it is still important to acknowledge the progress midst the symptoms.

 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

I don't know if you feel strong or proud, but I know that your journey gives me a lot of strength and shows me that this path is possible.

Aw, well, this makes me feel good....thank you.  I don't feel particularly strong but rather desperate to feel better and to live life free from psychiatric medications. I must admit I often wonder if I'll get there but I want to give it my best shot so here I am. I am glad I can help in your journey in some way as you certainly have given me the hope I can continue forth as I witness your bravery.

 

I found a new psychiatrist who is willing to support my taper going forward so that is a huge worry off of me.  

 

Thank you so much for all of your continued support, Erell....it means so much to me.

 

I really hope you are feeling some much deserved relief as I know this has been a difficult time for you.  You are in my thoughts, brave Erell.  We shall keep persevering, together.