almuPA: introduction

[almuPA]

Desde @Faure,

 

Thank you so much for your words, they mean the world to me. I will try to believe that this too shall pass (I hope!).

 

You are right, I need to remind myself that I have to make my wellbeing a priority. It is so easy to find yourself immerse in the crazyness of this world, with the imposible standards of doing 100 things a day. These months have been crazy, moving to a new country, settling in and doing many things out of my comfort zone. And of course, life goes on and gives you news you dont want or are not prepare to hear.  I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. These last months I have been feeling like I needed to compensate for the time I've spent in bed because of WD. I wanted to feel normal again, and I was enjoying the boost of energy. But I need to be smart and stop overdoing It. 

 

11 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

:  Do you drink alcohol

No, I dont. The only thing I drink is water and peppermint tea. But I can't denny I havent been taking care of my diet very well in the last weeks. Moving to my country again I've found myself craving foods I havent eaten in a long time. My husband does not help, as he wants to eat out and buy pastries every single day. I am not blaming him, this is all on me for not been able to say no, but I wish he could understand how important is for me to eat the way I do since WD. Long answer for a straight question, sorry. 

 

 

[Faure]

6 hours ago, almuPA said:

These last months I have been feeling like I needed to compensate for the time I've spent in bed because of WD. I wanted to feel normal again, and I was enjoying the boost of energy. But I need to be smart and stop overdoing It. 

I know! Just today I started to feel like I’m getting my life back again  - hooray! But I remind myself a lot that I must not go back to old habits because that’s what led to problems in the first place. We need a new approach to life. I have been helped in that with meditation, a lot.  It really slows me down and keeps me steady. Have you tried it? I do it most days and the benefits are huge. I’m far less impatient with almost everything and have really slowed down at work - I achieve the same outcomes except I don’t wear myself out by rushing!

 

I’m sorry to hear you have had bad news and I really hope the wave passes soon. 

[almuPA]

Hello!
 

I am here just to say that I am feeling better.

This has being a weird year, full of changes and ups and downs. But I started to feel better. I now can have a more or less normal life. I still dont have a full time "normal" job, but I work some weekends. When I do, like last one, I feel soooo tired! But more than WD itself I think is the fact that I've been bedridden for a while, so my body and my mind lost the ability to work a full day. 

 

I still have some symptons, though. Tiredness, depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts are the main ones. But to a level that I can manage them most of the time. 

 

This is an interesting process, one that I have learnt to accept and at times, be grateful for. Don't take me wrong,  I still think is unfair that all of us have to go through this immense pain just because we trust our GP's. And I won't wish even to my worst enemy what WD entails . But personally, I am learning a thing or two thanks to it. 

[arbor]

Dear @almuPA--Thank you for this post.  I am so glad to hear that you're feeling better.  Your wisdom and grace mean a lot to me.

Thinking of you--🕊️

Arbor

[Faure]

Hello, happy to hear your update. I lost my ability to work full time a long time ago. I think these mental health and AD problems really do that to people. Perhaps we will all slowly be able to work more as we continue healing. 
 

I think this experience teaches us all about self care which is what we were lacking in the first place and maybe why we ended up on ADs. We are all learning to skills to get and stay well. 
 

Wishing you and your family a happy Christmas. Be careful not to overdo things and bring on a wave xx

[almuPA]

Hello,

I am heading to my 3rd year free o AD's. Good for me. There were times I honestly thought I could not survive the experience. But here I am.

 

The last 3 months have been crazy. I started a presential course on January, 6 hours a day+homework+online content. It was A LOT. Plus, I was working on weekends, which means no day off. I dont think It comes as a surprise that I felt exhausted. It was only for 6 weeks, but OMG, It was enough. I also felt the waves coming and going. Somedays I would be full of energy while others I would feel dizzy, pain in my muscles and headache. I would be quite in the class, whishing to finish the day, without paying atention to the teachers and just feeling sorry for myself. At the end of It there was a point where I started finding difficult to remember things ir words.

 

Before anyone come and suggest to go to the doctor because It may not be withdrawal after 3 years and that is not normal to be like this, please dont. I have felt this way before in WD. There were times were I could not add 2+2, and I had a brain scan and everything looked fine. I just think I am tired because I overdid it. But of course, if I feel that my brain does not improve in a while, I will go to the doctor. 

 

Also, my father is going throught a bad health period, so we all in the family are worried and a bit scared. My sister is also having a bad time in her marriage. Everything is too much. And my husband is trying to push me for doing a hundred things when all I want is to sleep and be left in peace.  He wants me to start working in other places apart from what I do at the moment. I know that someday I will have to, but I think is too soon for me. 

 

I wish this veil of tireness would leave my brain and allow me to think clear and properly. I also think that the high levels of allergy that we have where I live at the moment are not helping me to feel my best. 

 

With all being said, I am doing a lot of things, things I could not even dare to dream a year ago. I made friends at this course, and I talk and even meet them. I am working on a regular basis, even if is only a couple days a week. Cleaning and cooking and doing regular things are not a problem anymore. 

 

I just think a lot of changes, plans and bad news came all at once, so my brain and my body are trying to adapt. 

Last week I felt so good I even went running! I run for 20 minutes and it was beautiful. I felt so good. Even when I went to work the next day I felt full of energy. But right now, while writing this, I am feeling a bit out of hope. Like It is not posible to feel like this just because WD. And it is probably true, maybe I am just having too much in my life and I am not realistic trying to keep doing and remembering everything. 

 

 

 

 

[Faure]

Hello @almuPA, I was only thinking of you in the past few days and wondering how you are! I’m so happy to read your update and hear how well you are doing. Super! 
 

One thing I have learned through this whole experience is that it’s important not to do too much, even when you are well. There is one family I teach (piano to) whose children are tired *every* week.  I see them on a Monday and they don’t take any time at the weekend to rest. Rest is important. It has become very fashionable in our culture to be constantly busy. But we are human beings, not human doings. It is not necessary or natural to be busy at all times. I worry for these children who are not given time to relax and unwind. It doesn’t bode well for their future well being.  For me breakdowns always happened in the past because I had done too much. I’ve learned that lesson now and vow never again to get to that point. 

 

I can’t imagine doing a course and not having any rest day for 6 weeks! I have gone from needing two rest days a week (where I literally did nothing but watch tv) to one where I can practise the piano and still feel rested the next day. Several years ago I travelled abroad after a day at work, did a whole week’s full time course, came home and carried on working the next week. I just couldn’t do that at the moment but I hope I will be able to in the future! 

 

Sounds like you’re feeling down because you’re in a wave, possibly because you’ve overdone it. You’ll get through it; you have every other time. It’ amazing how much we have all got through and continue to go through. 
 

Keep going, and remember to give yourself time to rest and recover. Not just when you feel bad but as part of your regular stay well routine xxx

[arbor]

Wonderful to hear from you @almuPA.  I hope your father feels better soon and that you have less pressures on you as well.

Warmly,

Arbor

[almuPA]

Thank you so so much, @Faure and @arbor.

 

On 3/21/2023 at 8:04 AM, Faure said:

Rest is important. It has become very fashionable in our culture to be constantly busy. But we are human beings, not human doings. It is not necessary or natural to be busy at all times

Yes, that is so true, I have thought about it in the past, but it seems like I haven´t learn it myself yet. 

 

I just want to leave record here of what I have been through last week, so next time it happens, I can read it and know that it will shall pass, too.

 

So basically, after all I wrote last time, I should have seen the wave coming. But, on Monday I woke up like any other day, started cleaning and doing some work related things, when I crashed. I felt my body and my brain said: we are done, this is too much. So I had to go to bed as I felt exhausted. I did not sleep, but I was on bed Monday and Tuesday. My muscles were aching, I had severe brain fog, I could not remember things/words properly and I did not even talk to my husband or anyone. I had headache and head pressure. I was crying in despair, with a huge feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts. I did not see the point in living anymore. All I could do was download some games in my phone and play for a couple of days.  I could not sleep well for the last week, waking up every hour/couple of hours.  When I moved I felt my heart beating so fast and going up the stairs would leave breathless. I felt like the worst days of WD, where I could do nothing and did not know if all of that would pass eventually. 

 

On Wednesday I was a bit better, and I decided that I would take the whole week off. I had an stressful event that very day, but I think I could manage it more or less well. But I kept on resting for the rest of the week. Yes, I went for walks every single day, and I cooked and have baths, but that was basically it.

 

Today I feel better. I mean, I am here, writing, which is an improvement. I still feel the brain fog and some tiredness. I am not completely out of it yet, but I feel like a person, I feel like me. That I think was the worst part of the wave, not feeling like myself, but like a lifeless body that could not talk or laugh or think straight. 

 

I honestly thought that I was very close to write my success story. And when I was in bed all I could think about was: ¨how can I feel this bad after 3 years? It is imposible, I am dying or driving crazy.¨ But I came to read some stories here. Yes, some people only need some months to be out of WD. But some other people need longer time. We dont know why and we cant know when a wave it's going to happen. But unfortunately for some of us waves are a reality after years of WD.  I dont want to sound negative. Waves are shorter now, and  it is more common to read in this website that after a couple of years max., people are out of it. But I still need to be careful with the things I eat and do and listen to my system. 

 

The things that could have triggerred the wave could have been the recent stressful events in my family, my lack of resting in the last couple of months, many many new things to do and learn, and the high histamine food. About the last point, I need to clarify that I still eat super healthy in my daily life (no alcohol, no sugar except the ocasional piece of cake, gluten and dairy free, and I cook almost everyday every meal). BUT a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I went on a trip. Because of the circumstances of the event and the place we went to, we ate a lot of pre-cooked things. The ones you find on the supermarket ready to go, like fish and prawn pastries and things like that. 3 days eating like that was not the best idea.

 

So I think that all of that combined was a recipe for a wave. A very bad one. As I said, I am not out of it yet, but I am more stable. This weekend I have to work the two days morning and afternoon, and somebody has asked me for an English class for this or next week. I am nervous about how I am going to handle all that,  but I will do my best to keep on resting. And to remind myself that the waves shall pass. 

 

 

[arbor]

Dear @almuPA So good to hear from you.  I can really relate to your discouragement when a wave hits many months after we've quit the drug, but it does seem to be a not uncommon pattern.  Someday you'll be writing your Success Story and all of us will be celebrating.  It takes so much fortitude to recover from these poisons. 

On 4/10/2023 at 7:12 AM, almuPA said:

Yes, I went for walks every single day, and I cooked and have baths,

I know what an accomplishment this is when we feel as bad as we do during waves.  Good for you!

All my best to you💜

Arbor

[almuPA]

Hello again,

 

I would like to leave a bit of testimony of the last months, so I won´t forget.

 

Basically, May was a month full of work and stress. I handled the best I could, even though I did some stupid mistakes at work and I felt so bad about them. 

 

I had a weird headache in the low right part of my head for some days and it was a bit annoying, so I went to the neurologist. I had another MRI, and the doctor told me everything looked fine. She said it could be because of allergies or because the stressful events in my life. She offered me medication, but she agreed with me that I dind´t really need it. 

 

These last days I am feeling a lack of energy. Of course my first impulse is to think that I am dying and something is wrong with me, but if I think about it, it could because of:

 

- The heat. It has been 38 to 40ºC in my town. And the worst is that the at night it doesn´t go lower than 25ºC. This week it looks like we are going to have a more benigne weather, so fingers cross.

- Lack of sleep. Because of the heat, it is so hard to sleep at night. I normally wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the sofa to sleep. In my room I hear all the noises of the neighbor´s AC and the air doesnt flows as in other parts of the house. My sleep pattern has suffered, as I normally stay awake for a while until I can go back to sleep in the sofa, and I toss and turn a lot. 

- Lack of motivation/plans. This month I don´t have to work (no english classes as people are on holidays and theres no athletics competition in my area atm). So I pretty much don´t know what to do. I try to give tasks to myself and do things here and there, but I don´t feel very motivated.

- PMS. Some months is better and shorter, some months is worst and longer. I guess this is a bad month. 

 

Whatever it is, I feel like everyone I talk to feel the same way, like they have no energy and don´t feel inspire to go to work or do normal things anymore. And not only in my area, people I talk to in the UK (where is not that hot) are having the same experience. What could it be, I don´t know, but I don´t seem to be the only one. 

 

Another thing is that I am having a lot of cravings. As I said before, I normally eat quite healthy, but lately is like my body is only asking for greasy food and cakes and things like that. I try not to fall into the trap, not only because of health, but because I don´t want to spend my money on food that is not going to nurture me. But is tough! The other day I read our dear getofflex, and she was explaining, among other things, about how  hypoglycimia and  low blood glucose triggers the production of cortisol and adrenaline. I had problems with hypoglycimia my whole life. In fact, it is kind of a joke in my family when my mum and I are hungry, because we don´t feel like people. Anyways, it is another factor to have into consideration. 

 

I would like to say that I had a fantastic day last week (Monday 26th). I think is because I slept and rest so well during the weekend. I felt so energetic and happy, like I haven´t felt in a long time. It was a nice feeling. I wish it would have lasted more. 

[Fizer]

Hey AlmuPA, How are you feeling now? I recognize the lack of motivation for work also with people around me? Has your energy returned somewhat? 

[almuPA]

Hello, @Fizer. Thanks for coming by and asking. 

 

Actually yes, my motivation has come back. I started again my English lessons and to work some weekends. I still have days (like today) where I didn't sleep well and I am tired from working the whole Saturday and all I want to do is sleep. But here I am. I prepared my classes for the week, I cleaned the house and cooked lunch, and I am studying English for an exam I have later this year. 

 

I have better days and worse days. PMS and my period still affect me, but they did before AD's, so I just need to be extra careful and mindful those days. Also, stress (mostly stress I put on myself) is an issue, but again, I am trying to be mindful about it. 

 

Also, my family situation has settled. My father had surgery and it went very well. He still needs some treatment, but it looks like he is going to be ok. My father in law was in the hospital as well, but he is now at home and recovered. So I had a stressful period of time, and I was tired and a panicked a bit, but so far, I survived. To be honest, I am proud of myself (and that is not something I say to myself very often!). 

 

I have to have some tests done because of pains I am having, but I am not googling any symptons or anything. I will follow what the doctor says. I know that's not a popular opinion in here, and to be honest, in general I don't trust doctors either. But I went to this particular GP because is the one who told my father to get off AD´s and lorazepam little by little. At least he took what I explained to him seriously and ordered a number of tests, which I appreciate. I am a bit concerned about what they are going to find out, but I am trying not to think a lot about it. 

 

Also, I think I am not as reactive to food as I use to be. I took a coffee like a month ago, and it didn't send me into a frenzy. I mean, it helped me to wake up but without the anxious, heart racing feeling I experienced the last time I took a cup of coffee (last January?). On Saturday, I was still hungry after dinner (again, working all day and without eating for like 10 hours), so I made myself some instant noodles. I know is not the best choice, but I swear I had nothing else. I didn't add the savouring package that comes with it, just for my peace of mind. I still haven't suffered any negative effect, fingers crossed. That doesn't mean that I am going to start eating whatever I want whenever I want to. But I think it is good news that I am able to add more foods into my diet. Since I am still low histamine, I hope I can add lentils and chickpeas soon, as I miss them a lot!

 

And this is my life at the moment: still some symptons, but not as bad as they used to be 2/3 years ago, or even months ago. I still need to be careful with some areas of my life, but in general, I am doing ok.