mva96: hello everyone - 6 months of escitalopram

[Kingfisher86]

Hope that walk helps.☀️
Any activity that keeps me out of my head and brings attention to my body helps me a lot.

I am ok-ish. Very productive yet still a bit scared and nostalgic, looking for more hope. I know I have “everything” I need, yet my bain still in recovery has a though time recognizing it.

 

 

[mva96]

Today marks 6 months off Lexapro.

 

I will be spending less time on here and posting updates maybe monthly.

 

The good news is that i've definitely seen progress, it really is true how symptoms do improve in a windows and waves cycle.

 

The bad news is that i'm far from recovered. I didn't want to accept it early on but it seems like this will be a multi year process, which is still something i'm struggling to accept.

 

WD still plays a very big part in my life and makes most days difficult. My family have been fairly so far supportive, but even that is starting to wane a bit.

 

My main symptoms as of now are: depression/irritability - varying from mild to intense, increased/worsened OCD, agitation (comes and goes), hypersomnia and quite extreme fatigue. As you all understand they often change to new/different symptoms as time goes on.

 

It's an unfair, and frankly awful situation we all find ourselves in here. But we have no choice to go through it if we want to reclaim our lives.

 

 

 

[Kingfisher86]

@mva96

On 2/22/2021 at 2:04 PM, mva96 said:

Today marks 6 months off Lexapro.

In this world that is a great accomplishment, bc it take a HUGE amount of strength. Great job.

 

On 2/22/2021 at 2:04 PM, mva96 said:

. I didn't want to accept it early on but it seems like this will be a multi year process, which is still something i'm struggling to accept.

Personally, I go day by day now. I know it will take time but nobody really knows how long. It could be longer but it could be shorter too. 

 

On 2/22/2021 at 2:04 PM, mva96 said:

But we have no choice to go through it if we want to reclaim our lives.

Agree. Just it is so tough sometimes. Messing with the brain’s chemistry is just a really BAD choice. We can do it though😅

 

On 2/22/2021 at 2:04 PM, mva96 said:

I will be spending less time on here and posting updates maybe monthly.

That is great. I have two phases: I either feel so good and busy that I forget to post OR I just feel bad and not feel like talking.

Just keep us posted and if you need support SA community is here.

[mva96]

Well another month has passed. It does seem like my baseline mood or WDNormal is ever so slowly improving. I had a bit of a scare with some past trauma being triggered recently, it didn't set me back in the sense of withdrawal but certainly shook me up a bit. I often find it difficult trying to to untangle the withdrawal from the other issues I deal with. Without sounding pessimistic im expecting i'l probably have a bad wave soon. Its nearly been 3 months since the last one and it does seem that the bad ones tend to hit roughly ever 3 or so months.

 

Anyway, things overall continue to slowly improve in the usual non-linear fashion. I hope everyone else is seeing some measures of healing too.

[mva96]

@Kingfisher86Thank you as usual for your kind words. You're lovely. How are things coming along for you? hope you are doing well.

[mva96]

Well as expected I can feel the next big wave starting. I've felt it brewing over the past few days but today its becoming much more pronounced - sweats and chills, waves of terror, GI discomfort etc. Time to buckle up for a tough month.

[mva96]

Unfortunately i'm seeing increasing amounts of akathisia make its way into my daily life. Its this sensation of inner horror, accompanied by extreme agitation. I find myself waking up and just writhing around in bed, jaw clenched tightly etc. It really is horrendous. I read something the other day about people with OCD being much more likely to develop akathisia, and actually looking in this forum it really does seem like a large amount of those with OCD are indeed suffering with akathisia. Nothing  i can do but hold on and take it day by day.

[mva96]

It looks like im going to be going to an inpatient facility for 1 month in the not too distant future, providing my insurance approve it. Unfortunately things are not going well. Its incredibly difficult to try and pick apart what issues are from all the trauma i've experienced prior to going on lexapro, whats from my OCD, and whats from withdrawal. I have recently been in extremely intense emotional agony which at times is completely unbearable.

 

As its a voluntary admission i wont be forced to take medication and will be refusing any antidepressants/any of psych drugs i'm offered, with the exception of possibly a benzo for occasional use.

[mva96]

Have consulted with a psychiatrist about inpatient, looks like it will be approved. Have been prescribed zopiclone for sleep which i will try to avoid using, and if i do, only rarely. She said it was safe to take daily for 3 week stints with a 1 week break after. Having seen everything i've seen on here, i find that very unlikely.

[arbor]

Hi @mva96--I've just had a chance to catch up on what you're going through.  From my experience, these symptoms are excruciating.  I'm so sorry you're having them.  Hang in there--they will improve.  Sleeplessness, I think, is one of the hardest issues, but allow me to voice concern regarding zopiclone.  You're probably aware that it has been banned in the U.S.  I truly hope you will read reports you can get online, especially on pubmed. 

 

Allow me to share these topics with the hope they could be useful:

 

how to improve your sleep naturally

 

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

All my best to you.

Please keep in touch--  Arbor

[mva96]

Hi @arborthanks a lot for stopping by, my threads been pretty lonely as of late.

 

I've done some research on zopiclone, and think you're right. Its probably best to be avoided. I'm in such a bad state at the moment that anything that has the potential to make it worse simply isn't worth it.

 

How are you progressing with your withdrawal symptoms?

[arbor]

I appreciate your asking @mva96--I'm not having my best day today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

How are you doing?  Are you still planning to go forward with the inpatient program?

Sending lots of support--

Arbor

[mva96]

Sorry to hear that @arbor how long are you off meds overall? And i spoke to my psychiatrist and shes referred me to another therapist instead. I'm a bit worried about having a horrendous wave in inpatient and them trying to force meds on me, i feel like a bad one is overdue, and the last bad one pretty much disabled me for a month. The thought of being at an inpatient facility when that sick isn't a pleasant one.

[arbor]

Hi @mva96

On 5/31/2021 at 5:05 AM, mva96 said:

Its incredibly difficult to try and pick apart what issues are from all the trauma i've experienced prior to going on lexapro, whats from my OCD, and whats from withdrawal. I have recently been in extremely intense emotional agony which at times is completely unbearable.

 

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling such intense pain.  It has felt unbearable to me at times.  I'm in my 31st month of w/d from Prozac and Zoloft, and 13 months off Metformin (which also raises serotonin according to a study).  Since I also had previous PTSD issues, I'll share what I've been observing through w/d.  First, for me, w/d is PTDS.  In the ways that it effects the nervous system the experience is traumatizing to say the least.  To my knowledge, no drugs have been found to be useful in treating PTSD.  If you research trauma techniques on this site, you'll find good discussions of methods other people are trying.  I use EMDR, acupuncture, rest, and Buddhist teachings on letting go of suffering.  What I can say is that, as of this morning, I'm still finding my way🙁.  It has helped me to stay away as much as I can from Western psychology.  I think supportive CBT with an empathetic therapist can do wonders, but not the ideology behind most approaches.  W/d has made me very OCD, ADHD, and a bunch of other D's.  I encourage myself not to identify with any DSM stuff.  The psychic pain is excruciating and doesn't need to be pathologized.  My view is that the suffering is passing, that though it may not look like it, I'm healing.  I have faith in your healing and offer to hold that faith for you as it may not feel currently available to you right now.   I send you all my best wishes, commiseration and compassion for the indescribable agony you are going through.  We both know it first hand.

Hugs to you💗

Arbor

 

 

https://traumaprevention.com/what-is-tre/

 https://www.thetappingsolution.com/tapping-101/

[mva96]

Yeah its really brutal  i'm so sorry you've had to experience something similar, its so hard. I think lexapro just numbed me to everything, and now all of that pain has come back but has been magnified 10 fold by the withdrawal. Have you had much luck with EMDR? i've heard positive things about it but havent had a chance to try it myself.

 

Thank you for your lovely message, we will get through this eventually i hope.

[mva96]

Looks like i'm going to try and reinstate a very small dose of escitalopram, probably 0.5mg at first. The past few days have seen me descend into levels of distress where i'm basically catatonic. Very little sleep, Struggling to speak, Slowly walking around in shock as if i've just climbed out of a car crash or something. What these drugs do is insane, i had serious issues before but this is just ridiculous.

 

My family don't really understand but they are trying. But seeing their son in this state for such a long time is taking a toll on their mental health too.

 

[arbor]

Dear @mva96  How are you doing?

[mva96]

hey @arbor thanks for checking in. A bit better than the last few days but overall still very bad. I've just got a new threapist through my insurance but dont really see how i can make any progress whilst i feel this terrible. I haven't reinstated yet but im on the fence.. How about you?

[arbor]

Hi @mva96--Glad to hear that you're a bit better.  Those bits just mean everything to me--as far as hope is concerned, and also to know I'm not going backwards.  I hope the therapist works out for you.  I find talking to someone helps.  Even if it's slow, I think the support is good for us.   

For me, w/d is the most horrendous thing I've ever known, but I'm hanging in there....

All my best to you,

Arbor🙏

[mva96]

Thank you @arbor, really appreciate you stopping by with some words of encouragement 🙂. It seems like at times all we can do as you say is hang in there. One day at a time.

[Fromthenetherlands]

Is brain fog still a problem you have?

[mva96]

Hey @Fromthenetherlandsit comes and goes, sometimes it really bad but its definitely improving

[mva96]

Cant get a break from the damn akathisia. My insides are all clamped up with this horrific inner torment. Just wake up and start groaning and crying. It would be so much easier if my damn family wern't hounding me to function like a normal person. I wish they understood how horrific this is. PTSD is also flaring up so the hyperarousal from that mixed in with the aka is just a special type of hell.

[Greatful]

Hi @mva96  I have following your thread and I want to say I am really sorry for all your pain.  I can get extremely tense and restless, I feel like I have to bolt and run but at the same time I feel so tight in my body I can't move.  It is really very scary how much these drugs change our brain.  But we know that our brain have the ability to change again, back to it normal self😄

How are you holding up with the depression?  I struggle with it also.  It is so easy to get caught up in a trap of negative thought, how long will this last, will I ever heal etc.   But really all we have to do is get through today.  Tomorrow will take care of it's self.  

 

Are you able spend some time outside, go for a walk, lay on a blanket while on your tablet or computer,  fresh air  and nature help.

Have you tried meditation?  There is no right or wrong way.  I found that it has helped slow my mind down a little and I can dismiss thoughts easier.  I find even if I can't focus and let my thoughts go easily, while meditating,  I am at least teaching my body to rest. ( I do it laying down) 

 

Post as much as you need to let things of your chest  and to get encouragement.  This W/D is horrific at times.  It can feel pretty lonely at times. Remember we are always here for each other.☺️

Hang in there.  I think you are doing a fantastic job and are very strong.

 

Do you mind if I recommend you to another member who is suffering really bad with akathisia?   Maybe you could look through her thread Shellbell

 Talk soon

[arbor]

7 hours ago, mva96 said:

PTSD is also flaring up so the hyperarousal from that mixed in with the aka is just a special type of hell.

If people only knew what this was like (or maybe I should say, they're very lucky they don't....)

You're completely off these drugs.  This is a big deal.  

Thinking of you, @mva96

Arbor💜💜💜

[mva96]

@Greatful @arbor

 

Thank you both for your kind responses, I do excercise sometimes and meditate occasionally but must admit i tend to gravitate towards numbing out via video games, oversleeping etc.

 

A painful truth is slowly dawning on me that i think I am neglecting to factor in the very real mental illnesses that lead my to take these drugs in the first place. I've found it easy to get sucked into the narrative of once you recover from the drugs everything will be ok.

 

The akathisia is up and down but not as bad, however i am in near constant distress/fight flight due to pretty severe and untreated trauma, not to mention my OCD.

 

I'm going to pursue inpatient treatment whilst i have it as an option. I will try to avoid medication as i did try a small reinstatement a few weeks back and it seemed to aggravate the akathisia.

 

This site is a fantastic resource but i think im allowing myself to attribute too much of my struggles to withdrawal. On average my symptoms have improved a lot when i compare back to the first few months. But certain things have remained exactly the same and from what i can tell this is where my original issues lie. Withdrawal is definitely still around. As mentioned the akathisia is around, my brain feels pretty fried and anhedonic in a chemical/damaged way, but thats not the whole picture.

[Greatful]

@mva96  It is important a address your emotional issues also.  I am glad that you are recognizing this.  I know I am working on some childhood trauma, low self-esteem, I guess you could say finding and healing myself.  I think W/D has push the issue to really face myself and do what I can do to heal.  It just is a little harder to do in W/D.  But on the other hand the meds dulled the pain of life enough were I wasn't forced into honestly digging in deep to the root of my problems and heal them.

 

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.  This all can be a slow healing process.  I know I sure would like to turn the key in the lock and go through the door and everything is all better.

 

OCD is  tough.  It can be healed with a lot of work and dedication.  Find a good OCD therapist and they will help you work your way through this.

I bought a book 

 "Daring to Challenge OCD" by  Joan Davidson.  There are underlying themes  that are common in OCD.  OCD symptoms are associated with certain beliefs and these beliefs center around themes that include perfectionism and intolerance of uncertainty, inflated responsibility and overestimating threat and interpreting thoughts as overly important and believing it's important to control them.

When I started reading it I keep think yes that's me and yes that's me.   She has 3 real stories in the book that the people volunteered for the book, each had a different type of OCD.  

 

I would really tried to medicate more.  I have a guided meditation called  Healing chronic pain.  Pain comes in all form, physical and emotional

I use this one for many of my emotional pains do to W/D and personal.  They recommend headphones, but not necessary, It think it is to block out noise.  Here it is, try it

  

 

[arbor]

Dear @mva96,

 

Whatever your decisions are, please know I hold your happiness and well-being in my heart.  I do recommend EMDR (w/out labels such as OCD) highly.  If you'd like more of my observations/viewpoints of what works and what is hype in the field, I'm happy to share some.  Otherwise, I won't take your time, but just wish you well.  This is such a hard row to hoe--

💜💜💜

Arbor

[mva96]

Figured it’s time to post an update on what’s been going on. About 5 weeks ago I became extremely suicidal and made an attempt on my life. 
 

I want to emphasise this isn’t just a result of withdrawal, I have quite severe PTSD and OCD which make life very difficult, however withdrawal has felt like the final nail in the coffin at times. 
 

I ended up being hospitalised for a month and being fed all sorts of meds. I’m currently on 60mg of fluoxetine and 50mg of lamictal. Akathisia was awful at first but it seems to have gone away which I don’t really trust. 
 

I was given lorazepam everyday for 3 weeks as well as zopiclone, both of which I no longer have access too so I am concerned about withdrawal from those. 
 

I plan on staying on my current doses for the foreseeable future. There doesn’t seem to be any serious adverse effects from either of them. I hope to stabilise at some point, but realistically having been off for a year I expect at least a year to see any significant improvement. 
 

@Altostrata I’d really appreciate if you could chime in and give me your thoughts when you have the time. 
 

thanks and wishing healing to you all. 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @mva96 I am sorry you've gone through this. 

 

If your current drug combination seems to relieve your symptoms, that's a good thing.

 

5 hours ago, mva96 said:

I was given lorazepam everyday for 3 weeks as well as zopiclone, both of which I no longer have access too so I am concerned about withdrawal from those. 

 

If you were not able to taper off these and you've just stopped them, I would be worried, too. But perhaps you won't have withdrawal, or a return of activation from that rather large Prozac dosage that may have been masked by the benzo.

 

Please let us know when you are ready to taper off your drugs.

[mva96]

@AltostrataThank you for your response. I think i will stick with the medication for a while as suggested, to stabilise from both the WD and other life challenges. i have some non drug issues i need to work through that the meds may make slightly less painful.

 

I will be sure to come back here and do a proper, slow taper this time around, when the time is right.

[Altostrata]

How are you feeling on 60mg of fluoxetine and 50mg of lamictal?

[mva96]

@AltostrataUnfortunately over the past two days the familiar akathisia terror has started to return. Constant adrenaline surges and the need to get up and move around. I have no idea what to do, any suggestions are welcome.

[ChessieCat]

Possibly caused by the too high dose of Prozac.

 

The following is from Post #1 of the Tips for Tapering Prozac topic:

 

  

On 7/3/2011 at 4:11 AM, Altostrata said:

Prozac has the longest half-life of any SSRI. After you take it for a few days, half-life is about 16 days. Fluoxetine itself has a half-life of 2-4 days, but as it is processed, your body creates an active antidepressant metabolite, norfluoxetine, which has a half-life of 7-15 days. So Prozac keeps on extending its half-life as it is metabolized.

According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluoxetine , fluoxetine and norfluoxetine inhibit each other's metabolism, extending the half-life of the drug. Because the half-lives are so long, the full effect of Prozac on the brain may not be felt for several weeks.

 

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by ChessieCat

[ChessieCat]

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[Greatful]

@mva96  I am so sorry you are in such a ruff spot.  I really wish there was something I could do to help you..  other then to be here to give you support.  Hang in there, you will get this figured out.