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I just keep thinking I could have healed


prairierose

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prairierose

i dont know if this belongs here or in just revular rants but im going to rant what goes through my head all day long. the if onlys....we all have them its just a different script for everyone. 

i only thought i was in hell when i tapered too quick on zoloft and developed horrific intrusive thoughts. i dont know how or where i eother thought or 2as told it could be the drug wd but my dr and family quickly told me to stay off the internet and trust the white coats....something qas wrong with me. psych ward #1. Jesus are you here on the floor of this ward with me? no clearly not. i was an amazing mom...perfect? no but i was so incredibly happy. i let drs tell me i didnt love my son. let family trwll me i must resent him or i would have intrusive thoughts. these meds those meds. maybe its my hormones....here take this. take that. pastors prayer warriors and Christian drs and Christian pharmacist friends..."clearly at 39 you just went bonkers". take lexapro...its gentle. the next thing i know my passive thoughts of....ummm...that thing they mention at the end of commercials became soul crushing. stoped being able to drive. if only we had just listened to the internet folks....i wouldnt be sitting on the couch 36months in brain melting out of my skull, 5 psych wards, dozens of police visits, toxic wild behavior, dhs involvement, lost career and being banned by person after person and site and forum....the happy pto mom..queen of hallowern and Christmas parties. artist and musician. wrapped up in a blanket at 41 yrs old stripped of all the goodness God gave her. friends gone. son growing while i can barely muster the mental strength and courage to make him a sandwich. bedridden for 10months in complete psychosis not even knowing who my son was afraid of my husbands face. unable to speak more than a few terrified words. i reached out to so many....too many. got so desperate i ecen believed jesus could heal me instsntly and reached out to a pastor and opened up again....cops.... i dont know who i am anymore. i found someone who maybe understood my level of pain but i pursued too hard. unhinged behavior i never would have participated in. i used to lead a womens ministry for crying out loud. i supported abused women. even helped people leave in the night like a battered women underground railroad. now im the pscyho no one wants and hurries their kida away from. this is not who i wanted to give my son... if only we had listened and not put me back on drugs i would have healed with no psych wards and cops and career loss and trauma. 41 and was at the top of the world. now im in hell i cant escape from. happy Halloween. there are no parties here anymore. just as my son is old enough to get into this and other fun holidays....im wrapped up in a blanket wondering if i summoned demons by celebrating halloween with my little bats and ghosties...thats one of the many things ive beem told and you wouldnt believe the rest. thanks for listening to my rant. 

2020, October the 2nd

(in this members words)

Off the offending meds now for 1.5 years

Zoloft, Lexapro, then a whole ton of drugs i was destroyed by in hospitals

 

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to I just keep thinking I could have healed
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ShiningLight

Prairierose,

 

Do you have boots on the ground support? Peer support or a therapist?

 

You have to believe. As quickly as it all came, it can resolve. Take heart, there is hope. So many of us have been through this and are going through it! You are not alone.

Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 2019 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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You may have been ranting, prairierose, but you express yourself with such richness and clarity. Please keep writing.

 

I discovered SA in September 2019 after 32 years of sliding from one AD to another, mainly because of my being in a constant fog of derealization. I even took Prozac for 17 years when I was feeling perfected fine because my drs said I should do that to "maintain" my well-being. After connecting with SA, I of course wish I had not kept ingesting it all those years, and I believe now that the Prozac over that long period of time probably had little to do with how I was feeling. And when I started feeling bad again--anxiety, distress, derealization-- several years ago, I went from Prozac to a whole series of ADs and finally back to Prozac again. There's no way I could have known better without a group like SA, so I did what my parade of well-meaning psychiatrists. These days I'm having a pretty rough time, though I'm down to 1.8 mg of liquid Prozac and holding there, waiting for my brain to catch up. So please persevere. There are so many of us on your team.

Fluoxetine 1997-2014, 2015, 10-40 mg (poop-out  April 2013)

Bupropion 2013-14, 4 mos. To 450 mg tapered to 0 in 3 wks no w/d trouble

Lexapro 2014 30 mg Cymbalta 2014

Neuro-Feedback 2015 May-Sept, no ADs 5 months, no significant benefit, rather increased anxiety during and after,

Buspirone 2015 40 mg

Venlafaxine Dec. 14, 2015 – May 23, 2019 150 mg

Bupropion/Wellbutrin Mar 2017 – July 19, 2019 300 mg; Lorazepam 0.5 a few days only, stopped 08/31/2019

Fluoxetine/Prozac May 2019 – present, taper from 20 mg started 01-2020, linear 10% every 4 wks., tapered 6 to 4 mg 6-29-20, 4 to 2 mg 7-15-20,  2.0 to 1.8 mg 08-26-20), updose from 1.8 mg to 2.0 (11-16-20)

B12 1000 mg STOPPED 10-29-20; D3 2,000 mg; Omega 3 448 mg EPA, 308 mg DHA; Magnesium Chelate, 250 mg; L-methylfolate (Deplin) 15 mg STOPPED 09/3/20; Inositol (pseudo B8) powder 2 tsp, started 11-12-20.

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