Kidlacassa: in need of hope

[Kidlacassa]

6 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

How do you think that going to the ER is going to help you?

 

Maybe I can finally rest? I'd be able to lay on hands that won't give me a choice.

 

Of course I don't honestly want that or I'd be proactively looking for it; making calls, finally opening up, speaking my mind and getting the respective gears moving to displace me in that direction. 

 

I know it's stupid, but when I find myself catastrophizing from time to time, I tell to myself "it can't be so bad".

 

22 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

What do you think they would do if you went there?

 

They will restraint me. Because as soon as they show up with quetiapine and benzos I know I'll start fighting for my life. 

 

Then nothing, "static" in my brain after they manage to pin me to a wall or the floor. 

 

Why would this be optimistic, you may ask? I don't have a clear answer, but it has something to do with contrast and superlative scenarios. 

 

Just to be clear, I'm not giving up. I'm just a desperate passionate melodramatic person with alarming intrusive thoughts. 

 

[ChessieCat]

The other member's response to my questions that I quoted to you and my response.  Please be considerate of the SA staff as per the second quote below - thank you:

 

19 hours ago, Kindler said:

I wouldn't have gone. I know there's nothing they can do. It's just part of my thought process when in shear panic. I can normally calm myself, deep breaths, music etc. Just occasionally there's nothing I can do, it just takes off. I was walking a lot when it happened previously, but struggling to get out of bed lately

 

18 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Okay, that's good to know.  But from now on please either don't post saying that OR clarify it (write it in such a way) so that we know that it's just a thought process.  The mods see it as an emergency when we read that a member is posting about going to the ER.  We feel a lot of concern and stressed that the member will end up drugged and then we spend time posting accordingly, like I did previously.  And when we are compiling posts like the one I did, we tend to take a lot of time over the post making sure that we have worded it carefully.

Edited November 25, 2020 by ChessieCat

[Kidlacassa]

 

35 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

But from now on please either don't post saying that OR clarify it (write it in such a way) so that we know that it's just a thought process. 

It is a thought process. An intrusive one, I must emphasize.

 

I'm sorry if I bring extreme concerning and stress when I say such things. I get panic rushes. I know these brain imbalances are permanent for some people. 

[Altostrata]

On 11/3/2020 at 5:44 PM, Kidlacassa said:

After telling him about the mirtazapine WD he istructed me to try going back  to 7.5mg for at least a week and then add Valdoxan for a smoother mirtazapine taper.

 

 

No, it makes no sense at all to add Valdoxan. How do you feel now that you're taking a little mirtazapine?

 

Do these panic rushes occur at any particular times of day?

[Kidlacassa]

37 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

No, it makes no sense at all to add Valdoxan

 

I bought the medicine, but never took it. 

 

38 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

How do you feel now that you're taking a little mirtazapine?

 

I'm still taking the 3.75mg. I need a scale to go lower accurately. That should be arriving tomorrow. 

 

39 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Do these panic rushes occur at any particular times of day?

 

Yes, between 10 AM and 2 PM lately. After that I go through a constant stream of anxiety, brain fog and pronounced depression that fades a bit around 6-7 PM. 

 

The profound depression is new. The intrusive thoughts in the morning went from alarming and agitating to defeatist ideas. 

 

For a wider context, I caught COVID during the first couple weeks of June. I didn't have any symptoms aside from the loss of my sense of smell (it hasn't returned) . Do you think it's possible the disease left my CNS vulnerable to these reactions? 

 

[ChessieCat]

What time do you take your drugs?

[Kidlacassa]

9 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

What time do you take your drugs?

 

Zolpidem 10mg 9:00 PM

 

Mirtazapine 3.75 mg 11:00 PM just before sleeping. 

 

These last few days I've been waking at 7:00 AM out of a sudden spike of depression, I fall back asleep and at 10:00AM it's extreme anxiety's turn.

 

Other symptoms when I wake up are:

 

-Cold pail hands. I can see the veins in my palms. 

-Very dry mouth. 

 

The neurologist said I have augmented reflexes.

 

Ever since I had the venlafaxine withdrawal I can't take naps. Sometimes I think that CT did the decisive CNS shock that started all of this. I only took 10 pills, but had brainzaps for almost a month, so maybe the WD is still lingering? 

 

Except for the brainzaps, I feel the same as I felt when I stopped the venlafaxine few days (I think two?) prior starting mirtazapine. I'm thinking mirt at 15mg was probably masking that still ongoing WD. 

 

Either one of those options or I took drugs for so long my brain is still waiting for me to fill that void with a considerable dose of anything. I've heard many anecdotes about people who can't function without a SSRI after their brains got used to one. 

 

 

Thanks for the support. 

[Kidlacassa]

Today I experienced panic attacks from 10am to 6pm, meaning it's getting much worse.

 

The intrusive ideas are coming more frequently and are becoming way more aggressive. With the recent addition of severe depression I can physically feel the thoughts drilling through my chest.

 

Thinking about going back to at least 7,5mg of mirt. 

 

Is this a reasonable option to keep in mind?

 

[ChessieCat]

Only you can make the decision about whether to updose.  However, please note that when increasing/updosing it is better to do so by small amounts otherwise you may take too much which could potentially make things even worse.  You've been on 3.75mg for nearly 1 month now.
 

See Post #1 of this topic, much of which also relates to updosing.  Please note that there is no guarantee that updosing will improve things:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

And the idea of updosing isn't to get rid of withdrawal symptoms completely but to bring them to a bearable level.

 

Please remember that it takes about 4 days for a dose change to get to full level in the blood and a bit longer for it to register in the brain.

[Kidlacassa]

40 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

You've been on 3.75mg for nearly 1 month now

 

What would you do in my place? 

[ChessieCat]

Sorry but only you make that decision.  All I can do is provide you with the relevant information so that you can try to make an informed decision.

 

But as I stated previously if you do updose only start with a small amount and when I say small I mean something like 0.5mg.  If after one week there is NO improvement (and no worsening) then you could increase by another 0.5mg.  However, if after one week you have noticed some improvement then you would hold for a total of 2 weeks and reassess after that.

 

Please let us know what you decide to do, update your drug signature if you change your dose, and continue to let us know how you are.

 

I suggest that you keep symptom notes for yourself so that you can be more objective.  You might notice some improvement that you don't feel.

 

And you will need to stay calm and not panic.  Getting anxious adds additional symptoms.

 

From https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm:

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by ChessieCat

[Kidlacassa]

Thanks, @ChessieCat That's a very illustrative image. 

I've been going through a rocky journey. 

After around six nights deprived of any kind of rest I got submitted to new psychiatric treatment. I had not much of a choice regarding to that.

I took vortioxetine for two weeks (I can't recall the exact dates) and it gave me a bunch of suicidal ideas..  I'm back to my detrimental baseline. 

Now I'm even more desperate and my mind is stuck on the idea of being proactive with this mess. 

Maybe I should try to reinstate a low dose of paroxetine to restart my reward system and see if I feel better, or rise my mirt dose... Perhaps physical activity to an extenuating point? 

This suprasses our human resilience mechanisms... The blunted emotions...

Will I ever be able to feel happy, sad, inspired or empathetic again? 

A couple weeks ago I had a few dreams where I could feel some real emotions. Mainly fear, but it was a welcome sensation. 

Does it mean something? Something hopeful? 

I'm losing it... 

[Kidlacassa]

Hi. 

I decided not to start any crazy experiments just yet. I'll be dumping the paroxetine pills I have in my immediate reach so I don't have to fight the temptation.

To cope with the rushes of being hopeless I keep reminding myself how good I used to feel just before the mirt cut that gave me WDs. I mean, not much damage can be done in such short period of time, right? That wasn't too long ago. I should be able to shift everything back with some patience. 

As I'm typing this part of me is telling me that I'm just giving myself false hope, but I have to embrace what is left.

In the last months during my feverish uneasy moments of unconsciousness (I can't call it sleep) I had dreams where my pets were killed and I could feel real empathy. I took it as a sign of hope, despite the unfortunate circumstances.

Also, around the end of december I had a moment where I got excited about some project I'll probably never materialize. 

Maybe I'm starting to come off as a lost cause in this forum, but even if that's the case I'm leaving this message as a record for my own appreciation towards the scarce signs that could question permanent doom. 

 

 

[Kidlacassa]

Hi.

Lately I've been experiencing new symptoms I'm worried about. 

Every morning I feel like there's acid running through my CNS, specially focused on my calves, like I did heavy exercise a day before. The sensation disappears once I get up. Also I noticed some skin sensitivity loss: my face, arms and feet feel numb. Not completely ; I'm still able to feel pain and temperature changes when I'm bathing. 

I'm having very vivid dreams that don't quite vanish after I regain consciousness. I close my eyes and I see random images that represent my latest unsettling thoughts: boxes of meds that don't even exist, cartoonish faces, undesired old memories and weird paintings. 

I'm wondering if these are WD symptoms or a distorted clumsy version of the "life passes before your eyes prior the end of your journey" phenomenon. 

Still feel very anhedonic and I catch myself reminiscing a lot about the moment where I could have done things differently to avoid this hell: doctors appointments, pills taken, intrusive thoughts I could have dealt with the natural way many years ago... 

I used to think my persistent anosmia came from the covid infection in June, now I'm thinking the med shifts have something to do with it. 

I know I should keep pushing, but there must be a defining point to recognize it won't get better and I'd like to know if that's the spot where I'm at.

Every day is a huge struggle. I keep losing friends, respect and credibility.

Is it really worth it or am I being unrealistic when I think about recovery?  

 

 

 

 

[Kidlacassa]

I've heard about some anhedonia cases where they showed some kind of recovery by taking lithium ororate and tyrosine. Is trying any of this harmless or would it be risky for recovery? 

[PoetJester]

Hi Kidlacassa,

 

The weird imagery upon waking is called hypnagogia or hypnagogic hallucinations.  I get them, too, although mine are predominately as i close my eyes and try to sleep, and are usually pretty depressed images, like walking down a dark empty street or up to the edge of bottomless hole, within 30 seconds to a minute of closing my eyes to sleep, but while i'm still conscious that i'm dreaming, so i end up having to pull myself awake even though exhausted,  but i also have them as i wake sometimes, too, especially the cartoonish imagery that sort of lingers for a while upon waking.    I think the sleep deprivation from withdrawal insomnia causes them.   

 

Poetjester (Derek)

[Kidlacassa]

Hey, @PoetJester

 

It makes a lot of sense. I've been getting just the minimum of sleep to remain conscious during the day.  

The imagery is so vivid I can contemplate every detail for ten seconds. I'm even starting a little drawing gallery with those visions. 

I'm reading your signature and looks like doctors did a number on you too. I hope you're doing alright at least at a manageable level. 

Thanks for your detailed answer. I need all the clues I can get. 

[rupa]

@Kidlacassa At five year time ,even after gradual proper tappering,I am still getting dream kind things,while wake up time after good 8 hour deep ,fresh ,before meds kind of  sleep.

Disturbance and fear intensity of the dream or hallucinations, at scale only 1% remained.

No other brain related complications.

At present suffering slight pain at thyroid place.

Which may not the reason of brain meds.

Suffered lower back for an year ,now it's settled to minimum discomfort.

 

 

 

 

[PoetJester]

Hi again Kidlacassa

 

I hope you are doing somewhat ok.  I was just re-reading your earlier post and have had the similar wonderings in withdrawal that you had mentioned of wondering if this was a case of  "life passes before your eyes prior the end of your journey".   I had even posted about it in facebook medication withdrawal groups that i am a part of, a couple of years back, where i had said it seemed similar to people who have had close brushes with death who say they "saw their life flash before their eyes" during the trauma, but that in withdrawal it seemed in slow motion, since i had never heard of the saying you had used in your post before.  The feeling has even been stronger the past few years with certain colors I'll see, either on television or on my journeys, triggering old memories, of old grade school art projects or the shiny ribbons on Christmas presents as a very small child or even vaguely remembered memories of arts and crafts sets i had when i was 12 or 13 in the early to mid 1980's.   I've done some intentional going back in time, too, which has been unsettling at times, where,  since I'm ill often, i will do youtube searches down memory lane at night in my apartment, looking at old sporting events or old wrestling matches, or sometimes television commercials from when i was younger and one day i had watched some mid 1970's McDonalds commercials and the imagery seemed almost hellish to me, and reminded me of how my dreams look now in withdrawal.  

 

There was also a stretch of days during the first summer of my withdrawal in 2014 where i had gone walking near a beach on a lake near my apartment, and felt the sensation of being back in the 1970's again, when i was just a young child, as i walked past people at the beach and on the walking path.  There have been a couple of other posters on this forum who had mentioned the same feeling/phenomena in withdrawal.   Another time earlier in withdrawal, i had walked two miles to a convenience store and as i came back to my apartment complex didn't recognize the place, which is also a common occurrence when dealing with sleep deprivation.  I didn't even recognize the inside of my apartment and had the impression i might be in Sweden, even though i live in the US.  It was strange and the sensation lasted a couple of weeks for me.   

 

 Early on in withdrawal the metaphor of a dying star going supernova came to me, since the sleep deprivation was taking it's toll so drastically on my health.  Anyways....

 

Derek

[Kidlacassa]

Hello.
It's been about 14 months since this nightmare started and I'm ready to quit.
The symptoms got much worse hitting the physical side brutally. Now I have muscle atrophy that's not responding to exercise. My face muscles are gone as well giving me a corpse like aspect. I know this is a problem nobody has recovered from (I have researched obsessively here and in other forums, including the PFS sites) , so I'm taking it as a guarantee of irreversible brain damage.
I always told myself I should stay realistic in case things turn to be permanent. This is the obvious moment and I take it.
If there's an entity writing my fate he/she/it sure knows how to spell Mirtazapine: M-I-R-T-A-Z-A-P-I-N-E.
I'm checking out in the next hours. I have no fear of death nor to any kind of imaginable hell anymore, so it will be easy.
Good luck, everybody.

[Blossom71]

Hi @Kidlacassa

 

Im so sorry things are so tough for you right now. Please hang in there. Things will get better for you! Xx
 

[Cheeky]

Hey @Kidlacassa,

Things will get better you just have to hang on. I think your reading too much of  negative things. You must read the success stories. People heal I promise. Your not alone in this . 

[manymoretodays]

Please don't quit Kidlacassa.

Reach out on the ground or locally, if you need to.

Yes, look to the Success Stories.

Don't obsess over finding more to support  permanent damage.

Please don't do anything now, that could cause permanent change.  I know you must have loved ones, and we care too.

Click on the arrow below, and especially read the first post:

I am hoping you will post again and update. 

Things can change for the better very quickly.  Wait for it.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

 

[Greatful]

@Kidlacassa  

You can heal...Please know that you can heal.  The mind is powerful, and is telling you to quit, you can do this, you are damaged....Well there is plenty of stories that say other wise.........I think I could speak for most on here have felt the desperation, panic, overwhelmed and hopeless at one time or another,  and the relenting thoughts that I am the one that will not heal.    Again the success stories say other wise.......You do have the ability  to  fight on, you have hung on for this long that means you can go a little longer......

Please let us know that you are okay.......