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Sparrow: trouble w/multiple drug withdrawals


Sparrow

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Happy Anniversary

 

Sparrow, it is so nice to have a spouse who is a 'rock'. It is a huge help in all areas.

 

If you go onto my Facebook page you will see a post from Michael Moore on walking. Great read.

 

Nikki

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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Sparrow,

 

Belated congrats on your anniversary. It's great to hear of good relationships. I'm sure it's a 2 way street even though you don't feel that way right now. 31 years requires more than 1 rock. ;)

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Congrats on your anniversary. 31 years is amazing. Ten year marriages are considered long. 31 years deserves a parade!

 

Thank you for your help in my thread regarding tapering K. I appreciate it greatly! :)

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The world that comes to me via the Internet, the TV, and the radio seems quite strange and remote.

 

Sparrow,

 

Your posts never fail to resonate with me. I read this when you first posted and thought again how well you describe the perceptual weirdness, for lack of better term. Any thoughts on the internet, TV, radio strangeness? Any difficulty using the phone? Do you think it's related to DP/DR?

 

Thanks.

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Not sure about the DP/DR...I think it's more a pervasive sense of alienation from 21st-century American life. Rejecting all the BS I unquestioningly accepted most of my life about government, religion, medicine, consumer culture, etc. Emerging from "the Matrix," if you will.

 

I want to say more about this, but can't get my thoughts to gel.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Not sure about the DP/DR...I think it's more a pervasive sense of alienation from 21st-century American life. Rejecting all the BS I unquestioningly accepted most of my life about government, religion, medicine, consumer culture, etc. Emerging from "the Matrix," if you will.

 

I want to say more about this, but can't get my thoughts to gel.

 

Sparrow

 

What's DP/DR?

 

I have gone through the emerging from the Matrix process. It's like breaking free of indoctrination to false beliefs and lies we have been told. I went through it years ago with different aspects of life each time. How you should look. Money. consumer culture. Never really put stock in government so I didn't do that one. Now it's medicine or it was. I'm through that one now. I find society at large to be riddled with falsehoods that are presented as facts. Turns out it's a lot of lies mostly told to make money for someone somewhere. People are so heavily indoctrinated to their beliefs (which are only beliefs because they've heard them so often that they accept them as truths when they are far from it) that it's like watching a bunch of automotons march through life, unknowingly, and not realizing they are slaves to things that are not true. Each time I came up against a new area filled with indoctrination and false beliefs, I went through a sense of loss and anger. Sometimes even rage. But then I realized that aside from the few that perpetuate these lies for their own agenda, people at large are innocent because they believe the same as I once believed. I only broke free of the matrix sooner. Some never break free. I think it takes a wake up call in an area where you had a strong beliefs that ended up causing you much harm (physically, psychologically, spiritually) to get the ball rolling. Once that happens, it sort of opens the door for you too break free from all of it.

 

I think because I went through liberation from indoctrination in other areas before facing the medication lies, it made it easier to let go of the anger and focus on healing. But the disillusionment and sense of loss and pervasive sadness along with realization that I have so little control over my life whereas I was told otherwise for decades was a rough ride. It's hard to accept that we've been sold a bill of goods that has so little truth to it. Even harder when you put so much faith in it and it let you down immensely. Worse when it compromised your health or daily existence.

 

In the end, you're stronger for it. Nothing has the power it once did. You claim your own power and trust nothing but yourself. Others can still guide you, but in the end, you know it's you and you alone. That is actually where I found my strength.

 

Sorry your are going through this.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 

Not sure about the DP/DR...I think it's more a pervasive sense of alienation from 21st-century American life. Rejecting all the BS I unquestioningly accepted most of my life about government, religion, medicine, consumer culture, etc. Emerging from "the Matrix," if you will.

 

I want to say more about this, but can't get my thoughts to gel.

 

Sparrow

 

What's DP/DR?

 

Depersonalization/derealization

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Yes, yes, and yes! Thanks Starlite, that's it exactly.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Yes, yes, and yes! Thanks Starlite, that's it exactly.

 

Sparrow

 

Well, then the good news is that the DP/DR will pass, quite likely sooner rather than later. It's hard to not feel detached when you see that most people walk around in a fog believing so many lies are true and you are one who knows the lies are lies. It really is a lot like being in the matrix and being free but going back into it. Every time we deal with people who are still in it, it's hard to not feel detached, particularly if they talk about it as if it were all real and so important or as you watch them live that way. It's par for the course. Pretty soon you'll just look at people and the world around you and see how nonsensical it all is and take it all with a grain of salt though at times you will get sucked back into the lies, but eventually you will pull yourself out of it. It just takes time to detach from the lies well enough that they no longer suck you back in. Lots of TV/Movies that are based on scifi happen to work for me as well as avoiding any form of media and even people that perpetuate the lies. Not getting sucked back in was the challenge for me probably because I had been so heavily indoctrinated in so many areas of life. Funny thing is that I never believed this stuff when I was younger but it was pounded into me by people I trusted and the media for so long that all of it became my truth. That's why I've come to rely on buddhism so heavily. The backdrop is that all of this is an illusion. Illusions are not real. Therefore it's easier to let go of things you know are not real when that is your predominant belief. For me, it's not a religion but a healthy coping tool or a philosophy filled with lots of healthy coping tools.

 

Suffice to say that you will be fine. It's the initial realization that's the hardest. DP/DR is quite prevalent then. The world, life - it all seems so surreal. It may last for weeks or months. Maybe just days. Depends on how strong those old beliefs were. Personally, I wouldn't go with DP/DR since those terms are psych related and might confuse the issue. I'd go with surreal and think of what Neo felt like coming out of the matrix then going back into it. I remember the scene with him sitting in the car saying how that used to be his life, to eat here or go there, but none of it was real. It's a lot like that for us. None of it is related to anything you are dealing with regarding WD though that might have been what triggered the realization. It's strictly related to the realization of the way things really are, what is true and what is not. Keeping that as something separate from your WD related things is important, from my perspective having lived through it since you don't want to confuse the two as they are not related. Just my 2 cents on the matter though.

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Getting slammed today after several weeks of doing comparatively well. I'm twitching and tremoring, irritable, crying jags, two nights of broken sleep, right back at the bottom of the barrel. Have just given myself reluctant permission to go crawl back into bed (!FAIL!) because I simply don't have the mental energy to fight it off. Tired of the fighting.

 

If I could just get the internal self-flogging switch turned off. Shut up already.

 

Must get my act together, I have three appointments that I really need to go to over the next few days.

 

Ugh. I hate coming on here to whine. But it's so hard holding it all in all the time.

 

It's going on five years now since I was last fully functional. I feel broken.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Not sure about the DP/DR...I think it's more a pervasive sense of alienation from 21st-century American life. Rejecting all the BS I unquestioningly accepted most of my life about government, religion, medicine, consumer culture, etc. Emerging from "the Matrix," if you will.

I want to say more about this, but can't get my thoughts to gel.

Sparrow

 

About the time i started tapering, i watched the movie Zeitgeist with some friends. I was never one who thought about conspiracy theories aside from being plots in sci fi movies and books. This movie shook me to my core, probably because i was just realizing that i had been part of the fraud, both as victim and perpetrator (aka pawn) in pharma. I wasn't even experiencing withdrawal problems at that point.

 

And this is the point where my mind completely dissociates because my thoughts can't gel.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Hi Sparrow, I'm sorry that you are not feeling well today. Don't beat yourself up! It seems you have been doing pretty well. This is just a little bump in the road. Tomorrow is another day. Take care and be kind to yourself, Susan

on SSRI's/benzo for 25 years plus, recently pull off them too suddenly by Pysc nurse

last year was switched from lexapro, zoloft, viibryd,paxil. Got sick trying to go back

on. My system is messed up and is hypersensitive. Nausea, anxiety Quit clonipin and take .5mg ativan.1xday So withdrew from klonopin and SSRI.

Off SSRI for 2 mos.

Take 50mg. trazodone for sleep along with melatonin

12/26 -liquid paxil 2mg.

12/29 1mg ativan

 

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

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Sparrow,

Somehow i missed your last post. I'm sorry.

 

Three appointments would put me over the edge right now even if they're benign issues.

 

Whine on, dear, but try not to flog. I suspect that most of us here tended to hold the whining to others but were heavy on the internal self-flogging prior to meds.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Getting slammed today after several weeks of doing comparatively well. I'm twitching and tremoring, irritable, crying jags, two nights of broken sleep, right back at the bottom of the barrel. Have just given myself reluctant permission to go crawl back into bed (!FAIL!) because I simply don't have the mental energy to fight it off. Tired of the fighting.

 

If I could just get the internal self-flogging switch turned off. Shut up already.

 

Must get my act together, I have three appointments that I really need to go to over the next few days.

 

Ugh. I hate coming on here to whine. But it's so hard holding it all in all the time.

 

It's going on five years now since I was last fully functional. I feel broken.

 

Sparrow

 

This is the nature of the withdrawal beast, Sparrow. It's not something you did or didn't do, so please don't be hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know. This is the windows and waves, three-steps-forward-two-back (sometimes farther back) pattern that seems to affect nearly everyone. It isn't your fault!!!

 

Often, my better windows have happened right after a bad period like this. The discomfort comes from your brain repairing itself and your system having to adjust to those changes - again.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Sparrow, did you ever repeat that walk you took back in December?

 

I don't know what it is, but walking is good for the mind. The more "nature" you can put around yourself while you do it, the better.

 

Keep hanging in there. This road is ROUGH, but you're on your way to something better.

Lexapro/Escitalopram

- many attempts at taper were unsuccessful until I stopped taking hormonal birth control

- successful taper & Lexapro-free as of Dec 2015

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if you took a reduction on 1st of January then this is probably why you feel like this - maybe you need to take a smaller reduction next time.

 

breathe deeply, you are doing fine

Started in 2000 - On 150mg most of the time, (but up to 225mg at highest dose for 6 months in the beginning)
Reduced off easily first time - but got depressed (not too much anxiety) 6 months later
Back on effexor for another 9 months.
Reduced off again with no immediate w/d - suddenly got depressed and anxious ++ again 3 or 4 months later.
Back on effexor - this time for 3 years
Reduced off over a month - 6 weeks later terrible anxiety - back on.
Rinse and repeat 4 more times - each time the period before the anxiety comes back got shorter and shorter
Jan - July 2012 75mg down to 37.5mg;, 8/3/12 - 35mg. 8/25/12 - 32mg. 9/11- 28mg, 10/2 - 25mg, 10/29 - 22mg, 11/19 - 19.8mg; 12/11 - 17m,
1/1- 15.5mg; 1/22 -14mg, 2/7 14.9mg, 2/18 - 17.8mg - crashed big time: back to 75mg where i sat for 2 years....

4th  March 2015 - 67.5mg;   31st March - 60mg;  24th April - 53mg; 13th May - 48mg; 26th May - 45mg;  9th June - 41mg; 1 July- 37.5mg; 20 July - 34mg; 11 August - 31mg; 1st Sept - 28mg;  1st Dec - 25.8mg;  28th Dec - 23.2mg; 23rd Jan-21.9mg; Feb 7th- 21mg; March 1st - 20.1mg, March 30th - 18mg

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Okay. I'm up, dressed, and ready to go to my hair appointment. It's a "semi-safe" place because the same wonderful lady has cut and colored my hair for the past 12 years. She knows me well and it's a very small, one-client-at-a-time place.

 

Monday it's the dentist for a cleaning, shouldn't be too difficult. Wednesday the dermatologist. That's always a nightmare. Have several cysts on my face that will require cortisone injections. And there's always such a long wait once I get there. Don't do waiting very well.

 

Fortunately all three places are within five miles of my house. Otherwise I'd likely be canceling.

 

Better sleep last night and no twitching/shaking today. Mental state still poor. Can't find anything to distract with that holds my attention.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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I left you a post in the benzo section. Nothing about benzo WD but hopefully something to help your mindset and help ease your anxiety.

 

I wish I could make all of this better for you. It's difficult without all the added turmoil. Hang in there and remind yourself that you've gotten through this before. This one may feel worse, but it doesn't negate the fact that you've gotten through other difficult times before and that this too shall pass. The only other thing I can add is that I've noticed in myself when I'm going through a rough time, I tend to tense up and the fearful thoughts run wild, but when I accept what is happening as part of the process of whatever I'm going through (in your case getting the body clear of benzo through slow tapering which causes these WD symptoms) then it makes it easier. Instead of fighting it, just allow it to happen. Fighting it and fearing it causes a lot of tension and that tension makes for a hellish journey. I know from experience on that. Tension seems to add to the symptoms and make them much worse. But if you can just remind yourself that this is part of the process and all is going to be fine and just allow it to happen, then that makes a difference. It relaxes the body, relaxes the mind, eases things up and then there is less tension. As there is less tension, it will feel a bit better, and then there will be even less tension.

 

Think of it like a panic attack. Have you ever had one? I used to have them and when I tensed up and feared them they were always worse. More painful. Lasted longer. Felt like I was going to die. One day I just realized I knew this was a panic attack and instead of getting all tense and scared I remembered that they would pass. Somehow that made it so much easier, in my case, almost instantly there was a release. I think it's the same for WD stuff. When we tense up, as I had been doing not that long ago, it would make it worse. When I got fearful and thoughts ran wild of the worst case scenarios, it got even worse. One day I succumbed to the WD and just allowed the process to happen. I don't remember thinking anything so much as realizing that it was going to happen no matter what I did so best to just accept it and go easier on myself. Then it made the process less horrid. I got through it better than when I was fighting it. The symptoms slowly got easier to tolerate and I felt better than when I was resisting it and filled with fear.

 

I hope that helps a little.

 

I'm sorry I'm so late to respond here. I am without a laptop and the new one won't arrive for over a week. So I use the desktop when I think to but that's not often and then I don't always remember to look through all the threads since I'm trying to spend more time watching scifi TV which keeps my mind off all this sort of stuff.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

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Thanks so much, Starlite.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Sparrow. Thinking of you.

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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I'm here...unable to write. Unable to feel. Thanks for checking on me sweetie.

 

Alone, alone, all, all alone

Alone on a wide, wide sea.

 

(I had to memorize part of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" in fourth grade. That's the only bit that remains.)

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Well, You must have been in an advanced school because i didn't learn Ancient Mariner until Junior High. ;)

Water, water everywhere...

 

I'm with you, dear.

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Down to 0.02 mg clonazepam as of today. I'm on the home stretch now!

 

I plan on holding at this dose for a month, then going to 0.01 mg for another month, then off (barring any new problems). So about eight more weeks.

 

Getting a little apprehensive about what's going to happen when I get to zero. But that's tempered by a great sense of relief and accomplishment. I've gone from being literally drugged out of my mind to almost free.

 

THE MIGHTY SPARROW'S BRAIN-LIBERATION HIT PARADE

Lipitor, off 2008

Trazodone, off 2009

Pristiq, off 2009

Lamictal, off 2010

Zyprexa or Seroquel (can't remember), off 2010

Dextroamphetamine, off 2011

Namenda, off 2011

Klonopin, will be off 2013

 

Then only the Lexapro will remain to be tackled. Let the healing begin...

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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¡¡WOW!! That list is amazing, Sparrow!

 

Congrats!

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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you give me hope.

Lexapro 20 mg.since Aug 2009

Lamotrigine -100 mg. sept. 2009

Seroquel-50 mg.

down from 100 for 6 months.

Been going off and on lexapro since October 2012

off and on Lamotrigine since October 2012.

Incidentally, massive headaches and monthly vomiting has ceased

since October 2012.

So right now no lexapro since Dec. 28th after only taking 15 tables from Nov.12-to Dec.28,2012.

No lamotrigine since mid October 2012.

50 MG. seroquel at bedtime since June 2012.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Shortly after my Feb. 1 cut, the jaws of hell opened and swallowed me whole. Severe depression so black and wrenching and all-encompassing that I can't express it. Suicidal x1000.

 

Then, last Friday, I woke up... and it was gone. Just like that. Now back to my "normal" anhedonic/apathetic baseline.

 

I don't know why I'm still here, really. What exactly am I hanging on for? There's nothing I want to do. I have no feelings of love or connection to anyone, including my husband and (grown) children. I force myself through each long, empty day, biding my time until...what? I've got no life to resume.

 

My mother calls:

 

Mom: You sound stuffed up, do you have a cold?

Me: No, I've been crying all afternoon.

Mom: Oh, okay. Well, the reason I'm calling is I've got something I want to run by you...

 

My husband comes home from work:

 

Him: How're you feeling?

Me: (sobbing) Like I want to die. I can't do this anymore.

Him: (Looooooonnnnnggg silence)

Me: (sobbing)

Him: Well, I'm gonna go change out of these clothes.

 

WTF? So I withdraw even further, if that's possible. Collapsing in on myself like a dying star.

 

Also, tons of old memories are coming to the surface. I have consistently made bad choices in my life, again and again and again, leading ineluctably to this pit. Too late now, no do-overs at my age. I realize this is very negative and self-pitying, but this is the only place where I can safely speak my truth.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Sparrow,

 

Yes, you are safe here and i greatly value your honesty. I don't know why some of us experience this soul-wrenching life review, but I know it's horrible. If you haven't read the thread about Long Past Traumatizations, it described the way this feels for me (I never thought of myself as traumatized).

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3655-long-pasttraumatization-might-seriously-exacerbate-your-complaints/

 

Thank you for checking in. You are very special.

 

Hugs.

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Sparrow,

 

I'm very sorry you're feeling so low. The conversation with your daughter rings a familiar bell. They can't understand and really just don't know how to console us.

 

My husband would have probably said, "it'll be alright" before going on to change cloths. Those seem to be his favorite words. In my mind I woulda been screaming, "It's not alright!" He's one of those people who's always whistling or singing, just always happy. Everything is always alright with him.

 

I hope you feel better soon!

 

HUGS

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Today, the penultimate cut. Down to 0.01 mg. Will hold there for a month, then I'm done with Klonopin.

 

Home life is becoming intolerable (and not just because of my withdrawal state). Feeling strong urge to flee, at least for a while. Just get in the car and go, go, go. Maybe up to Asheville or the mountains.

 

There is nothing here for me. My husband has been very patient, and I'm grateful for that, but our marriage has been dead for years. Utterly dead. No common interests, no emotional (or any other) intimacy, nothing to say to each other. I feel more alone when he's home than I do when in the house by myself, if that makes any sense.

 

What would I do if I just took off on my own for a few weeks? What would it accomplish? At some point I'd have to come back, and then what?

 

Uncertainty. No answers.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Sparrow,

 

I'm glad you're feeling strong enough to consider fleeing. Your fight or flight response is coming alive after being in FREEZE for so long.

 

I did flee earlier in withdrawal and it got me through several months that would have been much worse if i stayed at home. I didn't plan anything, just packed as much as possible into my car and started driving east (i couldn't get much farther west ;). ). Driving is therapeutic for me. Different scenery, music, people. It was a great time, thinking back on it now. I'm thankful i had the resources and freedom to do it. I was hone for 4 months. Strongly considering another run.

 

I also struggle with the same question of "what then...what happens when i return?". I don't know. Maybe something along the way will guide me (you) about the rest of this lifestory.

 

Traveling is good mental stimulation and doing it alone builds confidence for me. There were many days i felt like s*** and never left the hotel room. Most hotel staff are very helpful to solo travelers, especially women. I took one day at a time and drove only as far as was comfortable, sometimes as little as 2 hours. My phone GPS was extremely helpful in finding the next town and services.

 

It is definitely lonelier to be in the presence of someone and not communicating than to be truly alone - an energy zapper that's difficult to describe.

 

What have we got to lose?? I think my husband would welcome the break.

 

Hugs!

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Administrator

Sparrow, I feel for you. I have to figure out how to rebuild my life, too.

 

It looks impossible, but we'll do it. Have faith in yourself, you'll find a way.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Sparrow, is Asheville a special place for you? I've heard good things about it.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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We vacationed in the Asheville/N.C. mountain area many times over the years. It's just a beautiful area, climate neither too hot nor too cold, and has the great advantage of being both familiar to me and within reasonable driving distance (says she who hasn't been more than ten miles from home in over a year). We've talked countless times about moving there eventually. But with two young adult offspring in failure-to-launch mode, two elderly moms (one with rapidly progressing dementia), and the demands of a family-owned business, that seems as unlikely a prospect as ever.

 

But...I could go by myself, rent a place and stay for a while. Even if I didn't do much of anything, it would still be a different set of walls to look at. And it would give me and Mr. S a break from each other.

 

The logistics of such a move seem kind of overwhelming. Not insuperable, but my inertia is such that doing anything other than what I'm doing now (i.e., nothing) feels huge and scary and complicated.

 

I just can't believe this is what my life has turned out like. Why do I keep fighting it? Acceptance eludes me.

 

Thanks for your support, guys. It means more to me than I can say.

 

Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it, Sparrow. Looking at life and seeing how it really is can be so challenging. I've had to face a lot in my life that was stuff I wanted to run from. Mostly, my home life and my existence in general. It's difficult to deal with and accept and find a way to make it work for you personally. I think people without WD issues face this stuff too, it's just less complication because WD and psych drugs complicate the hell out of everything.

 

You're still in my thoughts and I'm hoping you start feeling better. Also, I hope your next cut and then going off the benzo is better than the rest of it has been and easier as well.

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