Sparrow: trouble w/multiple drug withdrawals

[Meimeiquest]

I found your post about your family very moving and eloquent. I see you as a very strong person.

 

I'm sure many have seen the FB piece about the Dove ad, which I have to admit I didn't watch. But I saw a moving rebuttal today to "You're More Beautiful Than You Think".... why would a woman's worth be measured by beauty anyway.

[Hudgens]

If the general idea beneath your list is that "I'm a worthless human being" then it may help for you to take a better look at that statement and to decide if it's an exaggeration. If you can remember specific times when you helped someone, successfully acomplished a worthwhile task, were kind to someone and they thanked you for your kindness, if you know anyone that cares about you, etc, etc, then you're accepting an exaggeration as a fundemtal truth. This of course leads to more feelings of depression and worthlessness. So false, exagerated ideas about ourselves effect our behavior, which in turn feed the exaggerated ideas. <BR><BR>Instead, try an come up with as realistic a statement as possible to replace the exaggerated one. Otherwise you may think you are dealing with cold, hard facts when the case is the opposite. Going lower and lower for literally no good reason.<BR><BR>Aside from this, negative thoughts about the self of all kinds are part of withdrawal for many people, and aren't genuine self-loathing. They pass like all wd symptoms. If you can't replace them with more realistic statements, then at least keep reminding yourself in a matter of fact way that this idea is only a withdrawal symptom and will pass.<BR>Say it as many times as the thougts come up or as soon as you realise you're dwelling on them again.<BR><BR>I've had times when they're very persistent. Remember, too, other times when you knew just as much about yourself, but weren't so down on yourself about it--because it's the withdrawal. That's the only difference between then and now. <BR>Always put the blame where it belongs-not on yourself-but on the withdrawal symptoms. Hudgens<BR><BR>

[Narcissus]

^Good stuff, Hudgens.

 

In this society, I fail on all metrics.

 

Yes, Sparrow, but this society is pathological, particularly in its fixation on the 'metrics' that you mention. Don't put too much faith in what crazy people think of you.

[Rhiannon]

^Good stuff, Hudgens.

 

In this society, I fail on all metrics.

 

Yes, Sparrow, but this society is pathological, particularly in its fixation on the 'metrics' that you mention. Don't put too much faith in what crazy people think of you.

 

Nice.

 

But I can totally relate to Sparrow and her list of metrics. It's the same as my list.

 

It's one thing to know it's BS and quite another to be able to just not be affected by it, the constant messages we get about our value as human beings, especially women.

 

I "know", when my cognition is working well, that I'm valuable and good, and that sexism is BS and older women are just as important as anyone any gender any age, and "success" has very little to do with anything that really matters about a person. But knowing it and actually feeling it's true are very different things for me.

[Barbarannamated]

Sparrow,

 

Do you hope/plan to be employed again when you're feeling stronger? I realize it may be hard to imagine at this point, but I was just wondering. That one item, in particular, resonates with me. For me, it's a core, personal value more than a societal metric.

 

I do hope that these feelings are withdrawal as Nikki mentioned because I've never before felt so glaringly deficient and insecure in who I am.

 

Hugs, my friend.

[Sparrow]

It's one thing to know it's BS and quite another to be able to just not be affected by it, the constant messages we get about our value as human beings, especially women.

Yes.

[Sparrow]

Barb, I don't expect or even desire to employed. Fortunately we are in a position that I don't have to.

 

I had a career in various aspects of publishing (copywriting, technical writing, editing), but decided to stay home to raise my kids. That was almost 25 years ago.

 

I don't do volunteer work (yet) because I really, really can't deal with stress of interacting with other people. Maybe this will change over time.

 

Not handling this wave of withdrawal crap very well. Thank you, everyone, for lending an ear.

 

Sparrow

[Meimeiquest]

LOOK at all the meds you've come off of in 4 years. No wonder you don't feel well! Better days to come...

[Barbarannamated]

Sparrow,

 

I misunderstood that the employment was your choice. Despite my bellyaching about career, I have tremendous respect for those who choose to opt out of the rat race.

 

KUDOS to you!

[Fizz]

Sparrow, wondering how you are doing at the moment, hope you are okay. Would you be able to give me any info as to how your op went when you had to have the hysterectomy? I am so scared and worried right now, bleeding really heavily still, can't move around or anything. Don't know if I'm able to give out my email on this site, if that would be better if you could message me. Please reply. Sending love. Xxxxxx

[Sparrow]

Hi everyone. I'm in my fifth month since completing the clonazepam taper and wanted to post a progress report. I haven't been here in a long time because of a sudden, inexplicable need to avoid everything connected with drug withdrawal, including even this very supportive community.

 

My last microscopic dose was at the end of March. There were no significant changes the first month or so, but by mid-May I was going downhill fast, and in June (month 3), I was plunged into a terrible, profound depression unlike anything I've experienced to date. It was horrific, and I will say only that I'm still here by the slimmest of margins.

 

The oppressive darkness began to lift gradually in July. My doctor started me on a low dose of human growth hormone because three years of being more or less bedridden had left me with pronounced muscle wasting. Whether that made the difference or not I couldn't say, but I'm feeling absolutely terrific now.

 

Yeah, you read that right. Terrific.

 

I have almost no anxiety or dread now. I'm sleeping 7, even 8 hours at night. Depression, gone. Agoraphobia, gone. (Although I do still prefer not to be around people most of the time, I can deal with it pretty easily if I have to.) I go to the grocery store alone every week now, can drive myself to appointments, etc. I walk 2 miles on my treadmill several times a week. I can talk on the phone. I can handle having the pest control guy or the carpet cleaning guy in the house, instead of hiding in my room while my husband took care of them.

 

Most significantly, the profound anhedonia is beginning to thaw. I'm starting to get little sparks of actual pleasure from doing things I used to enjoy, like knitting and cooking. This, more than anything else, is giving me hope. For the first time in forever, I believe that I really AM going to get well.

 

If you've read this thread and my other posts, you know that I was a hard-core long-term polydrugged basket case. I've been working on getting off a shitload of psych drugs for several years. So this is a message of hope to every one of you, no matter how desperate your situation. I can make a good case that no one was less likely to succeed at this than I was: and that if I can do it, you can too.

 

No, it's not over yet. It's still early days as far as being off benzos is concerned. And I still have 10 mg of Lexapro to wean off. But this is longest continuous period of remarkable improvement I've yet experienced, and each day it gets a little better. I feel brave and strong.

 

In gratitude,

Sparrow

[Altostrata]

Thanks, Sparrow, for this excellent news. Very happy to hear you're feeling so much better!

 

What kind of doctor is your doctor? Does he or she have any understanding of withdrawal syndrome?

[Sparrow]

Alto, my doc is an ob/gyn who has a second practice focused soley on hormones/nutrition/"healthy aging."  I think I may be her only exposure to psych drug withdrawal syndrome. While she has been 100% supportive of my efforts, she doesn't have any in-depth understanding of the scope and magnitude of the problem.

[Altostrata]

I'm glad she's figured out a treatment for you.

[lexicon]

Sparrow, what wonderful news ..

Congratulations ..

I have read your thread, and was saddened by the amount of grief you had to endure ..This is where I am at, hoping for some relief ..

Keep up the wonderful progress, and well being.

Sending you love, and healing thoughts ..

Lexi

[Jemima]

It's so good to hear from you, Sparrow, and to find that the news is so good!  I understand that urge to stay away from withdrawal topics.  I seem to go through that from time to time myself.

 

Thanks for checking in!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am completely thrilled for you! And so glad you posted your update.

[basildev]

So happy for you Sparrow!!!

 

Thanks for posting

[Barbarannamated]

GREAT news, Sparrow!

[Rhiannon]

Yay! Thanks for dropping by and letting us know how you're doing. Great to hear it!

[Sparrow]

The feeling "terrific" thing? Gone.

 

I wonder if my life, or what's left of it, is just too messed up for me ever to truly recover from all this and move on to something better. Don't even know what "something better" would look like.

 

Once again feeling strong urges to flee. Just get in my car and go, somewhere, anywhere. But what the hell would I do once I got there?

 

I don't think I'm capable of having relationships with people anymore. Or maybe I just don't want them. I'm so lonely, so tired of being alone all the time, and yet I don't want to do any of the things that would bring me into contact with others. At least not the others I have available to me.

 

Ugh, babbling again. So frustrated and empty and tired of everything. I cannot deal with the empty bleak future that lies ahead.

 

Fighting the impulse to get in bed with my soft fluffy blanket and a pile of books. Avoidance: my favorite pastime.

[Altostrata]

Think waves and windows. This, too, shall pass.

[Barbarannamated]

Oh, Sparrow. I'm TRULY sorry to hear this.

 

I want to understand this intense urge to flee that we both have. You describe it perfectly. Is it stronger in the morning? I wonder if it's some manifestation of the flight response coupled with unhappiness at this point in life.

 

Sorry to get analytical.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Sparrow]

Barb, my urge to flee is not stronger in the morning. It's always running in the background with varying intensity.

 

I am trapped in a life I don't want with no alternatives available. Why can't I just accept that this is it, this is all I have, there IS NO "other life" floating around out there waiting for me to join it?

 

Well, today is clearly a lost cause. Blanket and books it is.

[Jemima]

In looking back over my past, there's one thing I can say for certain and that's that the future has never, ever turned out the way I expected.  So don't count on your future being empty and bleak. You really, truly, cannot know what's going to happen even five minutes from now. 

 

I'm very sorry your good spell has ended, but the fact that you had it at all tells me that you're capable of getting back to that state in the long term. Withdrawal really does take a big chunk of time out of our lives, but it isn't forever. Just seems like it.

[alex]

 the fact that you had it at all tells me that you're capable of getting back to that state in the long term..

 

Absolutely!!

 

Hang in there, we are all in the same boat.......

[Sparrow]

Jemima, excellent point about the future never turning out the way one expects.

[starlitegirlx]

Barb, my urge to flee is not stronger in the morning. It's always running in the background with varying intensity.

 

I am trapped in a life I don't want with no alternatives available. Why can't I just accept that this is it, this is all I have, there IS NO "other life" floating around out there waiting for me to join it?

 

Well, today is clearly a lost cause. Blanket and books it is.

 

Hugs sparrow. Oh I know this feeling. I remember it. I don't really consider it anymore because I've accepted my life is what it is. No other life floating around out there for me. Sometimes I remind myself of those who have it worse. I think of the few things I have that help me get through the days and of others who don't have those or are suffering worse. I never was able to do that before because I was always so locked up in how bad my life felt to me, but I think the K taper actually opened my eyes to people with very protracted WD from ADs and benzos and having been in the acute WD back last summer - pure hell that it was, I realize that this is better than that even if it is very far from what I want. And then I think back to years ago when it was better than it is now and I didn't appreciate that. But I had certain things I loved to do that I can no longer do. And I wasn't in WD a portion of every month. So I guess it's relative and you kind of have to grab on to what is good about it and make that the thing that gets your attention rather that what is wrong with it because in truth, I think there could always be something wrong with it if you get hung up on that stuff. There was something wrong with my life for decades and I spent way too much time on all of those wrong things.

 

I do hope you are feeling well. I hope you are having nice days and getting to do things you enjoy. That's really all that matters in the end. The rest of it is window dressing. But feeling okay, having a window and good days, doing small things that you like even if they are really small by normal standards (favorite TV show or reading a book you like) are things worthy of more gratitude. Something about that always helps me. I get really happy about favorite shows. Really happy about stuff that I do enjoy. Really happy when I have a good day and get to the cafe to pick up a coffee even if I don't sit there for it. I bring it home and enjoy it. To me that decaf is so awesome.

 

Take care and be well. I'll peek back in when I remember.

[Sparrow]

A dispatch from The Land of Regret.

 

Dusting my house today, I came upon the little clay impression of Tigger's paw print that the vet made for us when we had to put her to sleep a year ago. Abruptly burst into a hard, wrenching, sobbing cry. For the three dear kitties I've lost in the last few years. For the two dear little boys who left home but haven't grown up. For the life I might have had if I hadn't dropped out of college to get married. For the person I might have been if I hadn't been (prescription-) drugged out of my mind for twenty years.

 

I dusted the piano I bought for my 50th birthday, thinking I would take lessons. Weeks later, I rapid-tapered off Klonopin, Lexapro, AND Dextroamphetamine in one month, and you know what happened after that. The piano sits untouched. Another silent reminder of what might have been.

 

I'm 53 years old and I don't know who I am or what I want.

[alex]

I'm 53 years old and I don't know who I am or what I want.

 

You are a beautiful, strong, unique human being, and you are, like the rest of us, trying to get a better life, drug free.

I'll be 60 in November, so we are in the same boat (mine is older though )

 

Keep walking,S, it gets better.

 

BTW, crying is good.

 

Hugs,A.

[Sparrow]

Thank you, Alex.

[Sparrow]

Just to prove that I'm not Eeyore all the time, I record here that I'm feeling pretty good today. Dr. recently had me switch my estrogen from patch to sublingual. Maybe that's kicking in now.

 

Mr. Sparrow and I are going to our favorite little Mexican restaurant tonight. Fajitas, yum. And a big box of new books arrived from Amazon; that's always a treat.

 

If the weather would just cool down some I'd be all set. Still 90 degrees and suffocatingly humid here, typical for September. I can't wait to fling open all the windows and feel breezes through the house and maybe wear the tweedy grey cardigan that's about to come off my knitting needles.

[mammaP]

Glad you are feeling better Sparrow, enjoy your evening and your new books. 

[Sparrow]

In August 2005 I bought a brand-new little car that had exactly 16 miles on the odometer. Today it finally hit 30,000 miles.

 

That's right, it took me eight years to put 30k on my car. Most suburbanites do that in, what, a year?

 

I guess that tells you everything you need to know about the life I've had since going on psychotropic drugs.

 

But hey, doing okay today. Just finished making a big pot of beef bourguignon and oh does it smell delicious.

[Barbarannamated]

You sound good, Sparrow! When did your interest in cooking return? That sounds like progress.

[Altostrata]

Yummmm, beef bourguignon! Looking forward to that this winter.