Sparrow: trouble w/multiple drug withdrawals

[Sparrow]

Long overdue for an update here.

 

2008-2011: Got off Lipitor, Namenda, Trazodone, Lamictal, Zyprexa, Pristiq, and Dextroamphetamine.

 

Completed 16-month taper off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin) at the end of March 2013.

 

Began tapering 10 mg escitalopram (Lexapro) in August 2013. As of today I'm down to 4.5 mg. Had a very, very bad spell during the holidays but things have settled down now and I'm doing pretty well. "Pretty well" for me = able to be out of bed at least half of each day; able to do basic activities of daily living (shower, dress, necessary housekeeping, cooking, etc.); able to do errands and go to appointments on my own; not experiencing extended periods of severe depression or anxiety.

 

I still prefer not to leave my house or engage with people if I don't have to, but it's no longer the crippling agoraphobia of earlier days.

 

Unfortunately, the years-long anhedonia remains unchanged.

 

Sleeping well and have lost ten pounds over the past several months without even trying. Excepting the bad time from Thanksgiving through Christmas, withdrawal symptoms have been tolerable so far. Now that I'm getting into the lower dosages I will be slowing down the taper rate as I did with the clonazepam.

 

Lexapro is the last drug of the horrific life-destroying psych cocktail I was put on. I am so damned proud of my strong non-compliant self. I'm truly breaking free. It's been so hard, and I've had so little support, and no one (aside from here) even begins to "get" it. Or cares. But I'm succeeding anyway.

 

Also: NEW KITTENS AT MY HOUSE!!

[Altostrata]

Thank you for that update, Sparrow. Good for you, you've come a long way.

 

And, thanks for sharing the kittens. Aren't they a bold duo!

[Sparrow]

Part of the bad wave in Nov/Dec was due to losing Little Bit, the last and most beloved of my four cats. I have mourned many kitties over the past 30 years, but never experienced such profound grief as I did this time. Really torn up I was.

 

Getting the new kittens has definitely helped. They both came from the local shelter.

[Rhiannon]

Sparrow, you have every reason to be very proud of yourself. Way to go! I celebrate you.

 

Also

OMG KITTIES!!!!!!!!!!

[Sparrow]

Just got back from the vet. Scrappy (the grey tabby kitten) may have feline infectious peritonitis, a fatal disease with no treatment. He's not doing very well.

 

I can't even.

[Altostrata]

Oh, dear. Poor little thing.

[Sparrow]

Scrappy got better and is doing fine.

 

I got down to 2.5 mg Lexapro in May and have been knocked flat by crippling, near-suicidal depression. I've been on and off (mostly on) one SSRI or another for 23 years, and it was not only inadvisable but downright stupid for me to have started another taper so soon after getting off benzos. On June 1st I updosed to 4 mg; still depressed but the SI has relented, and that was really all I was hoping it would accomplish. Accepting the fact that I need a long, long break from tapering.

 

Testing in February revealed several vitamin/mineral deficiencies, including all the B's and -- despite long-term supplementation -- magnesium. Apparently my body won't "take" supplements unless they are in liquid form. So I've been on a liquid multivitamin/mineral cocktail since March. I was nervous about this, knowing that we can be hypersensitive to B vitamins especially, but have not experienced any adverse effects.

 

Lately I've been focusing on increasing the healthy fats in my diet. Lots of salmon, sardines, coconut oil, avocados, nuts, etc. The one noticeable result so far is that my skin looks a bit better (i.e., fuller, more hydrated).

 

For several months I've been having episodes of heart palpitations, mostly in the evening. Read the forum thread on taurine and started taking it yesterday. Feeling much calmer since my first dose 24 hours ago, and slept deeply without waking for seven hours last night, but will give it more time before making any conclusions as to its efficacy.

 

The family/marital/life issues that are at the root of my depressed state are getting worse. Feeling trapped. All exits blocked. So, so weary of the constant struggle to keep going...and yet here I am. My poor old mother has been a great source of comfort and emotional support. And my kittens too. I don't/can't post much here at the moment, but I'm checking in and reading almost every day. Y'all are my lifeline.

 

Onward.

Sparrow

[Petunia]

Hi Sparrow,

Thank you for updating.  In general, it sounds like you are doing better now that you updosed.  I agree that a long hold at 4mg is probably a good idea.  When you do continue tapering, perhaps consider going slower than before, making 5% cuts rather than 10%.

 

I'm glad the taurine has helped.  I find it helpful, not so much now as it was at first, but it seems to be mentally calming.

 

Have you thought about counseling for help with your family/life issues, sometimes, having another person to talk with, can help us to see things in a different perspective, even if we can't change things.  Cognitive behavior therapy can help us to learn how sometimes its our own thoughts and beliefs which are contributing to difficult situations.

 

I'm glad you have some emotional support.

 

Petu.

[Jemima]

It's so good to hear from you again, Sparrow. You've had quite the journey tapering off all of those drugs and now facing buried problems without most of them.  Please be gentle with yourself and realize that most of us human beings make some big messes in our lives.  Like tapering, take it one small step at a time.

 

The kittens are adorable and I'm so glad that Scrappy is recovering.  My only cat is a ten year old Tuxedo that I got from a no-kill shelter to keep my (now deceased) SPCA Torbie company when I took on my last job in 2004.  The Torbie was a special cat, like your Little Bit.  She had to be put to sleep at the age of 5.5 due to cancer in her digestive tract and rapidly deteriorating kidneys as a result.  It broke my heart and I still miss her.

 

I often feel like I've bungled many of the major things in my life--career path, marriages, even my health--but what is, is, and I have to deal with it to the best of my ability.  Maybe now at the age of nearly 69 I've got enough wisdom and grit to make my remaining years better than that.

[Sparrow]

Thanks, Petu and Jemima.

 

Re: counseling. I definitely need someone to talk to, but I'm absolutely terrified of having any contact whatsoever with "mental health professionals."  The last time I spoke with one, I was hustled out of the office in handcuffs by two cops and involuntarily incarcerated for 24 hours in a psych facility.

 

Never again. NEVER.

[Jemima]

I understand your fear. I hardly tell my doctor anything any more, although she's never even hinted at having me committed.  She has no idea of the hell I went through getting off of Lexapro and can't seem to grasp the idea that Lipitor caused severe damage to my arm muscles and the deep depression that caused my hospitalization and hellride through the halls of psychiatry. I think she's in total denial that she's ever hurt anyone. And of course, like all medical professionals, she's scared to death of a malpractice suit.

 

I don't know how big your community is, but you might contact your local library and ask about peer support groups in your area.  The librarians often are surprisingly knowledgeable about these things, and hospitals might have some leads as well. Maybe a college counseling center would have some information. Or possibly arrange for a counseling session with a Christian minister or rabbi, or even a universalist unitarian minister, if they're called that, although even here a person has to be somewhat cautious. There are some ministers who've bought into the psychiatric line, although I doubt any of them would try to have you committed. There used to be a school of family therapy that was deeply into the way family members interact with one another rather than drugging everyone up and keeping them quiet.  Ah, here it is: Jay Haley: Strategic Family Therapy  Jay Haley died in 2007, but his school of therapy is still going strong and it has nothing to do with psychiatric "diagnoses" or medications. It shouldn't even be necessary for the whole family to attend, or even anyone but yourself.

 

Just having a really good friend who's willing to listen can help. Once you get out and about and meet people, you may just find someone who's sympatico. I'm glad you've got your mom.

[Altostrata]

Sparrow, how are you doing?