dirtvoid: psychiatric survivor - year 3 of detox - 2 drugs to go

[dirtvoid]

Day 2 - Down to 3 beads (0.49mg) of Duloxatine -

the 25% drop has hit me really hard, usually the symptoms creep up after a few days but this got me right on the first day,  jolted awake in terror many times in the night many times then couldn't get out of bed until 3pm due to such intense vertigo, mirgrane, light sensitivity,  violently puking stomach acid, nausea, terror, overwhelm, uncontrolably sobbing, yearning for my ex, feeling unsafe in my skin, like I'm going to die, pounding heart and stomach cramps, extra bad muscle pain, fatigue rapid mood swings form total disconnection hopeless, numbness to just everything all at once, passive suicidality. Feel like I'm not going to make it through. So very tired of this.

Really unbearable.

But the good news is in the new year I got approved for adult social care funding and government are giving me money to hire a PA for 5 hours a week, so I don't quite feel as a left for dead and having someone to help me take care of myself in will make a world of difference,

[dirtvoid]

2 weeks since last cut and still waking up extremely sick - jolted awake up at 5am and take my dose and then go back to sleep and when I wake up again a few hours later I experience intense nausea, stomach cramping, dry retching vomiting up stomach acid and blood, shaking, viscereal anxiety/terror/panic, heart pounding in my stomach, body pain, burning tight  stiff joints/muscles, weakness wobbly unstable when walking to bathroom dizzy/vertigo, then loose stools for a hour and then I do a bunch of coping stuff - breathing meditation, hot herbal tea, electrolytes and after 3-4 hours usually settles down a little and then I go through the waves of emotional spirals, dark thoughts, SI, terror, akathasia, - it is relentless..

[Ariel]

On 3/29/2021 at 12:26 AM, dirtvoid said:

Question: is this a withdrawal symptom / effect of psych drugs 

 

sorry if too much information but when I ‘pleasure myself’ usually using clitoral vibrators I experience intense pain and discomfort when I orgasm the pain is in my uterus -

Hi dirtvoid

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have experienced a similar symptom during withdrawal. Orgasm triggered painful sensations akin to very intense menstrual cramps. Sometimes the pain remained for 30-90 minutes post-orgasm. At its worst, this withdrawal symptom lasted for about 3 years. It has mostly resolved (for the time being, at least). 

I found this symptom challenging not only due to the acute pain but also, and perhaps especially, a feeling of loss related to the inability to find comfort or pleasure at a time when that would have been welcome. As you know all too well, while enduring withdrawal syndrome, any and all moments of relief are welcome. The capacity to access pleasure in one's own body in a healthy, constructive way offers potential for healing experiences, or some much-needed respite. It can feel merciless to not have this modality available amidst the suffering of withdrawal. 

Something that helped me along the way was to practice tuning in to my body in ever-deeper, more subtle ways to connect with intimacy and pleasure beyond genital stimulation. I experimented with soothing myself via physical touch that was tender rather than overtly sexual. I came to think of it as a kind of gestural self-mothering. I can express care and affection for myself by stroking my cheek, for example, and really feeling the sensations of my skin, my face, my hand; or caressing my feet in a comforting way, or holding my own hand, or hugging myself, or lightly cradling my belly. Anything that feels loving and safe, and tuning in to any and all sensations, pleasant or unpleasant, without judgment, paying particular attention to any moments of comfort or pleasure that may arise. This practice helped me find numerous ways to explore embodied experience of pleasure beyond the obvious sexual gratification of genital orgasm unavailable to me during some rough years. Connecting with a greater variety and subtlety of embodied intimacies and pleasures not only afforded welcome moments of relief and healing, it nourished and nurtured a more profound self-relationship.

During withdrawal syndrome it can be extremely difficult to trust one's body as a safe space when symptoms feel unbearable. For me it has been and remains vital to find locations in myself where I can reliably seek shelter from the waves when the tsunami hits. Sometimes it is as simple as putting my focus into the palm of my hand -- literally -- and just feeling the sensations of the palm of my left hand against the palm of my right hand. Sometimes those sensations are pleasant, sometimes they are more neutral, it doesn't really matter as long as I am feeling what there is to feel. This practice of being present in my body anchors me and helps me through some stormy seas!

Best of luck to you on your journey.

[Altostrata]

On 1/11/2022 at 7:02 AM, dirtvoid said:

2 weeks since last cut and still waking up extremely sick - jolted awake up at 5am and take my dose and then go back to sleep and when I wake up again a few hours later I experience intense nausea, stomach cramping, dry retching vomiting up stomach acid and blood, shaking, viscereal anxiety/terror/panic, heart pounding in my stomach, body pain, burning tight  stiff joints/muscles, weakness wobbly unstable when walking to bathroom dizzy/vertigo, then loose stools for a hour and then I do a bunch of coping stuff - breathing meditation, hot herbal tea, electrolytes and after 3-4 hours usually settles down a little and then I go through the waves of emotional spirals, dark thoughts, SI, terror, akathasia, - it is relentless..

 

This is concerning. Vomiting up blood is not a typical withdrawal symptom. Can this be due to an adverse effect or change in dosage of one of your other drugs or drug combination, that was coinicidental with a Cymbalta reduction?

 

You reduced Cymbalta by 25%? Have you tried restoring part of this reduction?

[dirtvoid]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

This is concerning. Vomiting up blood is not a typical withdrawal symptom. Can this be due to an adverse effect or change in dosage of one of your other drugs or drug combination, that was coinicidental with a Cymbalta reduction?

 

You reduced Cymbalta by 25%? Have you tried restoring part of this reduction?

 

It is concerning! It's an ongoing issue, about 8 years, when I vomit so violently blood comes up, it shows up alot in withdrawal because I'm throwing up a lot - everyday.  Initially it was caused by alcoholism but I've been sober for 3 1/2 years now and still experience it when I vomit.  I went to the gastroenologist about this - my tests are all normal, he said something about stomach folding in on itself, told me I had absolutely no reason to be concerned and thinks I'm insane for being distressed about it. Told me it's a "functional gut disorder" and absolutely denied that any of my GI issues are caused by psych drugs/withdrawal and urged me to get "psychiatric help" and gave me some pediatric dose of anti-diraherra pills which I haven't taken.

The 25% reduction is because I'm at the tail end of my taper there is no other way to reduce the beads- 4 down to 3 beads is 25% - I don't know how to manage this last little bit, I was relatively stable when I dropped.

It's all day/night, vomiting, jawache,. I wake up sick am so much physical pain in my muscles and joints are stiff and achy, and I often lie there hours, mind-awake but body dead. I feel like actual death. There is dread/doom/terror, stomach cramping, heart pounding in my stomach, firecrackers in my stomach, the spins are so bad I can't stand, dizzy vertigo, I throw up so violently I see stars. I dry heave. There is intense pressure crushing my skull. alternating between diarrohea and vomiting. Then the nausea just lingers, My thoughts are so loud and aggressive and cruel and despairing and rageful that they make me cry and curl up into a ball, I shake and shake, rock back and forth, flooded with tears and terror. I usually have a period of dissociative emptiness, where I just can't connected to anything, the world feels bitter and hostile and I want no part of any of it. the fatigue is totally overwhelming, along with brain fog, can't think clearly at all, everything is just dense and muddy, my muscles are really weak and I can't move properly, and keep needing to lie down. My concentration is shot, I can't read like I want to do, huge cognitive decline, the terror is so bad, I can't leave my room and even going to the kitchen, petrifies me, I feel exposured. My days go by in rage-panic-despair. I do all the routine "self-care" things and none of them do very much but I do them anyway. sometimes I get a few seconds of reduction in intenstity but for the amount of strained labour it takes it doesn't feel worth it. I am so on edge and irritable, I snapped at one of the very few supports I do have, because he said "it is really everyday you feel sick?" and yes it is and I'm just so used to be undermined, disbelived and fobbed off by doctors and I get the sense that most people in my life don't really believe me, but why would they most people if anyone hasn't witnessed the extent of this. There are times where I am just hallucinating with visual distortions, seeing shadows, feeling my skin crawl with ants and spiders and 10,000 tiny needles, wanting to tear it out, flooded with terror and tears.

Last night the aka was so relentless I just wandered the streets screaming and smashing ****, body slamming walls, luckily I wasn't arrested or sectioned.

Still very agitated today - Just trying to accept the symptoms will pass and have hope that I will heal. It's all very frightening and overwhelming.

[Altostrata]

I guess putting that one Cymbalta bead back is worth trying. You are taking other drugs and other under treatment? You might hold on 4 beads of Cymbalta until everything settles down, this may not be a good time to add to whatever your gut is trying to cope with.

[dirtvoid]

Thank you for your response, 

I’m unsure about updosing, my experience with that during my Benzo taper was it made coming back down even harder. If things escalate further I will consider it as an opportunity.

it’s been 3 weeks since the cut and some of the symptoms are passing -

 

After the screaming-smashing episode on Thursday things are getting better that seemed to be the peak. Visual distortions/ Hallucinations are more subdued. Had two calls with my Rabbi and we prayed and did some blessings and made a safety plan for Shabbat which I mostly slept through.  

 

I have not been sick today (but I have had severe stomach cramps and mild nausea.) I did wake up with that terror-fatigue just got out of surgery feeling and couldn’t get out of bed for hours but this afternoon things are improving. That petrified terror freeze mode has lifted after eating some GF fish fingers and having a chat with my sponsor.

 

Bit more motivated, mood is relatively bright, feel hopeful, going to synagogue tonight for Tu Bishvat 

 

This really is a wild rollercoaster.

when I’m in it is really is all consuming and can’t see a way out at all.

 

but I do have good non-pathologising non-medical support 

 

practicing patience - acceptance - tolerance 

[dirtvoid]

Better Today

 

Still jolted awake at 5am and spent the next 6 hours in and out of consciousness, writihing in stomach pain, feeling like I'd been beaten up, still woke up sick, anxious, overwhelmed, but was able to do what I wanted for Tu Bishvat and spent time praying in the woods. Was a nightmare getting out the house but once I was I was okay. I noticed that I'm coming back to life more and more, life feels bright, exciting, hopeful again which is progress. Still having moodswings. Was frazzled when I got back but it passed and I felt okay. Then I got stressed out because I had a friend threatening to kill himself if I didn't send him money, but I kept to my boundaries and de-esculated the situation. Sickness and stomach has passed in the afternoon/evening. I have a writing deadline coming up and feeling unfocused and unmotivated but doing my best to push through. Trying to notice where there are improvements.

I really feel like the morning symptoms are interdose withdrawal more than anything.

[dirtvoid]

Seen a huge improvement this week - in a window - no terror, just about able to perform tasks, bright, hopeful mental state, excitied about life - My mood has been consistently stable all day. lessened chronic pain symptoms, not distressed about stomach symptoms which have also improved. In a much better place - plan is to hold for 3 more weeks and see where I am at then.

[dirtvoid]

Had a set back

Trigger was the Gynaecologist / medical system refusing to proceed with giving me a hystorectomy. 

Mood is now extremely low, feel suicidal, hopeless, also deeply distressed, crying a lot, been in bed pretty much since the appointment yesterday morning, also very anxious, had the worst panic atack I've had in a while, just sensation of being trapped in my life and trapped in my body. Feel utterly hopeless and angry and lack of agency, feel helpless, - totally dead inside - lost all motivation and care - anhedonia returned.

Stomach has been bad again mostly abdominal cramps that have lasted the whole day today, stomach feels like firecrackers are going off and making lots of strange sounds.
 

also feel dizzy / generally weak, headaches, heart is beating too slow and also pounding in a way that I am hyperaware of it, I have skin hypersensitivty to the point I can't wear clothes even a soft robe just hurts my skin. I feel any noises in my whole body and very jumpy and the sense of doom and terror has returns.

Even if I heal from psych drug I am still trapped in oppressive social circumstances beyond my control. Is healing possible if safety isn't possible?

[ShiningLight]

Hey dirtvoid, I don't know the history with your uterine concern, but can you appeal this decision? Feeling powerless at the hands of the medical establishment is triggering and it sucks that you are going through that.

 

Never once have looked back on dark times and wished that I had acted on my thoughts. Quite the opposite--I have marveled at how much can change in a relatively short period of time and thought about how I would have missed the change in fortune had I acted on feelings that came up in those moments.

 

From reading the rest of your story, you are absolutely a superstar survivor. You have been through too much to give up now. 

[dirtvoid]

7 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Hey dirtvoid, I don't know the history with your uterine concern, but can you appeal this decision? Feeling powerless at the hands of the medical establishment is triggering and it sucks that you are going through that.

 

Never once have looked back on dark times and wished that I had acted on my thoughts. Quite the opposite--I have marveled at how much can change in a relatively short period of time and thought about how I would have missed the change in fortune had I acted on feelings that came up in those moments.

 

From reading the rest of your story, you are absolutely a superstar survivor. You have been through too much to give up now. 

Thank you, I’m not so sure I feel same I look back the times I was closest to death and wish I didn’t make it this far, the relentless suffering is just too much but on the other hand I am divine inclined and I do believe my existence was intentional and there is purpose and meaning and that my life is precious gift. I just at the same have absolute no idea how to make it alive in this world, in my body.

 

The trans-masculine group suggested topical estrogen for the pain/atrophy it is said not effect my testosterone but would it impact my taper/withdrawal symptoms?

 

the other suggestion they had was depo birth control to stop the bleeding - which I am far more cautious around particular as I know they effect mood and I feel throwing something like that in the mix during withdrawal would be really risky and could lead to even more confusion about what is withdrawal and what is hormonal.

 

another day of despair and just bed ridden, feel very hopeless and defeated by it all. 

[dirtvoid]

really depressed and exhausted, can't even get out of bed been in bed since Friday.

[Altostrata]

@dirtvoid are you still taking steroids? As we advised before, these can have serious adverse effects that confound your symptom pattern relative to any psychiatric drugs you might be taking. Since we can't tell what's going on, we are unable to provide you with support for symptoms that might be from the steroids. It's not the purpose of this site and we don't know anything about them.

[dirtvoid]

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

@dirtvoid are you still taking steroids? As we advised before, these can have serious adverse effects that confound your symptom pattern relative to any psychiatric drugs you might be taking. Since we can't tell what's going on, we are unable to provide you with support for symptoms that might be from the steroids. It's not the purpose of this site and we don't know anything about them.

Yes I am still taking Testosterone replacement currently 0.4ml of Enatate weekly, I had a few month trial, - as a Transsexual person I will be taking Testosterone indefinately. I understand that you don't know anything about the effects of hormones but I feel this site should be welcoming to all the complexities and diversities of human experience, and as a Transsexual person who wants to get of psychiatric drugs I would like to be able to share my journey here and in doing so may help  other Transsexual /Transgender people who want to come off psych drugs, there are many of us were drugged up by psychiatry for distress that relates to Gender Dysphoria. I do believe Testosterone could possibly excerbating mood swings and possibly causing adrenal spikes (but all my bloodwork hasn't reflected any adrenal issues) but it would never be something I would come off as I was a million times more distressed when I had a estrogen based body. I have spoken to other Trans people who suggested I may be better off taking Nebido instead of injections which is a longlasting.

The issue is there is very little literature on psych drugs interactions with Testosterone even with Cisgender Men and absolutely zero on this topic with Trans Men.

My case is complex and tricky but from what I've read on this site my symptom patterns is not particularly dissimlar to so so many others, I see my story in so many people's topics.

[Altostrata]

On 2/3/2022 at 8:09 AM, dirtvoid said:

I do believe Testosterone could possibly excerbating mood swings and possibly causing adrenal spikes

 

Sure, we welcome everyone. We don't care about gender identity at all. But we cannot help you because it's impossible to distinguish the effects of the testosterone or other drugs you're taking from withdrawal symptoms. Symptom pattern is essential to monitoring a taper. I made this clear to you at the beginning.

 

You know how to taper, you can proceed or stop if you wish, but staff here cannot help you sort out your symptom pattern.

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

How are you doing? 

Are you still tapering? How's it going?

Best wishes to you,

A.

[dirtvoid]

11 hours ago, Ariel said:

@dirtvoid

How are you doing? 

Are you still tapering? How's it going?

Best wishes to you,

A.

 

Not doing well at the minute - I'm down to my final bead (0.15mg) of Duloxatine - my last cut was 4 weeks ago and I'm currently holding until I feel stable to make the final drop. 

I know I'm not meant to talk about Testosterone but I'm not asking of for advice on the matter and just explaining where I am at with it, I have switched to long acting 'Nebido' injections every 3 months - which has at least stopped my mensturation but not the PMDD symptoms and it has also balanced out the levels which are now in normal range.

Supplements I am taking - Magnesium Malate during the day and Glycinate and L-threnote at night, Omega-3 -EPA/DHA 1200mg, 3 times a day and 2mg Melotonin at night.

Current 'symptoms': Total lack of any motivation, crying 10> hours a day, anhedonia, hopelessness, stuck in freeze response, mood is low, very graphic sui ideation, fatigue/exhaustion, disjointed sleep and I never feel rested, irritable, constant terror/anxiety/panic, feelings of unsafety, severe agitation, mood swings, constant full body pain, and muscle weakness, obsessive vicious outside of head thoughts, cycles of rage-terror-despair.
I feel worst in the mornings.

I very much feel exactly like I did as an instiutionalised teenager, which only leads me to despair more because I feel like a child trying to survive as an adult, I can barely do any tasks and have panic attacks trying to do basically anything. I am at point of total pitiful demoralisation, my existence is pure humiliation.

The last month has been horrific but symptoms that have eased over time are: Elavated Mood/Manic-like reactions, my visual/auditory hallucinations are on and off, I'm not having nightmares or particularly intense dreams anymore, no more night sweats, pain beneath my eyes, I'm not feeling sick and my apetite is okay, I'm not vomiting or having diarrhea, not feeling dizzy or motion sickness or disequilibrium, I can walk (but I still use a mobility cane) the ice pick headaches have eased, the brain zaps have eased - so there is some progress. 

I am able to enjoy time with undestanding friends, was able to celebrate passover and lead a Seder (even i was shaking and crying before it started) and was able to enjoy a Shabbat dinner on Friday, I am still going to NA meetings and sharing about what I'm going through, I speak to my sponsor regularly and he is supportive and loyal and does provide comfort. I try to engage with ritual / prayer - but only first thing in the morning and last thing at night - I've been not engaging with the more intense davening. I am able to draw to document my painful experiences. I am able to reach out to people. I am able to attend my online Hebrew classes and am training for my Adult Bar Mitzvah in June. I able to read a little bit but nowhere like I was when I was doing my Masters 18 months ago. I am not able to engage in academic writing or much writing at all. My focus/concenration ability to start tasks is very poor. There is much I want to do and can't.

Current life stressors: experienced a hate crime one week ago where somebody threatened my life and screamed in my face, upcoming court case to try and appeal the DWP denying my PIP (extra disability benefits), transition related stress, my unemployability causing me despair, still heartbroken and have a painful relationship with my ex who contacts me off and on and will just erase my existance, disablity that goes beyond withdrawal, feeling very devalued by society, my spiritual consellor abrupted ended my sessions a few weeks ago due to her leaving the org. General lack of structure and purpose in my life, going to moving in a few months which is bringing up stuff around unstable housing,

It's all a lot, think I'm doing okay considering, it's all just really tough and I'm honestly really frightened I will never be okay and will be stuck.

My current symptom pattern is exactly how I felt - 4 months into my cold turkey off Duloxatine before I reinstated and stablised. Just day after day of non-stop crying and suic!dal terror.

In time I will probably improve, it's just holding on and getting there and finding enough hope and motivation to do the things that will help me through.

[ChessieCat]

On 4/25/2022 at 10:56 AM, dirtvoid said:

The last month has been horrific but symptoms that have eased over time are: Elavated Mood/Manic-like reactions, my visual/auditory hallucinations are on and off, I'm not having nightmares or particularly intense dreams anymore, no more night sweats, pain beneath my eyes, I'm not feeling sick and my apetite is okay, I'm not vomiting or having diarrhea, not feeling dizzy or motion sickness or disequilibrium, I can walk (but I still use a mobility cane) the ice pick headaches have eased, the brain zaps have eased - so there is some progress. 

 

This is really good news.  I understand that it is not as good as you want to be feeling but there are a lot of improvements, especially that your appetite is okay and that you are no longer vomitting and have diarrhea, oh yes and the dizziness too, and also the headaches easing, to be very thankful for.

 

On 4/25/2022 at 10:56 AM, dirtvoid said:

I'm down to my final bead (0.15mg) of Duloxatine - my last cut was 4 weeks ago and I'm currently holding until I feel stable to make the final drop. 

 

It's unfortunate that you are working with beads.  Are the beads all the same size or or some smaller than others.  If there is a variation in the size you could try taking small ones for a while.  My suggestion would be to try not get impatient.  It is generally better to hold for longer than to stop too soon. 

[Ariel]

Hi dirtvoid,

Thanks for the update, it's good to read you. 

 

On 4/25/2022 at 2:56 AM, dirtvoid said:

In time I will probably improve, it's just holding on and getting there and finding enough hope and motivation to do the things that will help me through.

 

Yes, you will improve! And you are quite right that we must hold on and do what we need to do to get through. 

It's great that you are seeing improvements along the way, and -- not least -- that you are taking the time to notice and register progress when it appears. Such balanced awareness is of great support to us on our healing journeys. 

 

On 4/25/2022 at 2:56 AM, dirtvoid said:

It's all a lot, think I'm doing okay considering, it's all just really tough

 

I hear you. What you describe is indeed a lot. I, too, think you're doing okay considering. Give yourself lots of credit for your courage, strength, perseverance! And your wisdom in sustaining connection to community, classes, support. You're doing a really good job of staying the course and setting yourself up for success. 

 

I'm not a mod but ChessieCat's call to patience and possibly a longer hold here at the end makes sense to me. It sounds like you are good at self-monitoring and keeping track of where you're at. I trust you are being gentle with yourself. 

 

Please stop by once in a while to update. You are important and your experience is valuable. I'm sure your story can help many people. 

Take care and good luck to you,

A.

 

[dirtvoid]

15 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

This is really good news.  I understand that it is not as good as you want to be feeling but there are a lot of improvements, especially that your appetite is okay and that you are no longer vomitting and have diarrhea, oh yes and the dizziness too, and also the headaches easing, to be very thankful for.

 

 

It's unfortunate that you are working with beads.  Are the beads all the same size or or some smaller than others.  If there is a variation in the size you could try taking small ones for a while.  My suggestion would be to try not get impatient.  It is generally better to hold for longer than to stop too soon. 

Yeah it's important to notice the areas I am improving and be grateful for that to give me hope that things will improve.

Yeah I think it would've been much easier on my system not to have to do a 50% drop - I wish I could've stayed at 5-10% and gotten a smoother taper off the last bit, but not much choice in the matter. All the beads are the same size.

--

So today has been better mood-wise - finally have stopped crying, it's 4:30pm and haven't had any crying spells, massive progress from 10 hours a day, and the viciousness all of my thoughts is not consuming me. Yesterday improved after my carer came over and helped me and then I spoke to my sponsor who gave me suggestions on how to improve my motivation, and I was able to take his advice, and taken on some new behind the scences NA service, which will help me feel less useless and hopeless. Tidied my room which help clear my head, and went to a concert last night which I was able to enjoy. Today spent the day with my roommate, cleaning the house, and then we went out for coffee and then made tacos together.

I'm feeling much brighter - however, my focus and concenration is really poor and I'm unable to write, (trying to write a sermon for a Shabbat service and my brain is just fog and mush and can't seem to string a coherent sentance together) Given that 18 months ago I was capable writing a dissertation for my MSc, the cognitive decline is extremely frustrating and upsetting.

I have also restarted a mindfulness practice using the Calm app, I used this app when I was in early recovery off of benzos/gabapentinoids and it helped alot, so will using it first thing when I wake up, hopefully that will ease the cortisol spikes a bit.

Anyway small victories

my prospective jump off date is May 15th (Passover Sheni)
 

[Onmyway]

This all sounds great @dirtvoid. It helps to experience windows like these, what is to come for you once this is over and these experiences can hold you over during the difficult bits.

OMW

 

[dirtvoid]

Yesterday I started my day well - was up at 9.30am - did some mindfulness, wrapped tefelin for the first time in a while, had breakfast, and was feeling okay, I went to the community gardens where I volunteer and after about an hour of watering plants, I had sudden onset extreme fatigue and muscle weakness, so I went and lay down in the greenhouse and from there my muscles seized up and became paralysed for several hours - I was in and out consciouness with hypnogogic hallucinations and very intense dreaming, when I came to everything was very glitchy, lots of floaters, I was non-verbal when the staff tried to talk to me and very disoriented, they called me a cab home, as I insisted I didn't want to go to hospital, and then I slept for 6 hours, I then was very low in mood - I tried to go to gym to do some light excersise and use the sauna, but just felt even worse afterwards.

Today: I woke up extremely low, did some mindfulness, felt very anhedonic and helpless, went to an NA meeting online where I do service, and broke through the numbness and wound cried a bunch when I shared about how hopeless everything is. One person texted me, and another person called me, which made me feel a little better. Then my carer came and so I am less overwhelmed with all the tasks. I don't feel as a bad as I did this morning but still not great. I am having great difficulty with acceptance around disablity and my incapacity and inability to make plans for my future because of lack of uncertanity.

 

[Onmyway]

Sorry to hear that you had a very difficult day yesterday @dirtvoid and glad that you are feeling a bit better and less overwhelmed now. Acceptance is hard around disability and uncertainty, it's hard for everyone and completely normal. But remember that withdrawal symptoms are temporary and they will get better even if slowly. You will not feel like this forever. It is very hard to believe that if you've been through this for such a long time and on drugs for so long  before that but you will get better. Just make sure to get through the next hour, day, month.

[dirtvoid]

So huge improvements regarding my mood which has stablised and I'm okay, no longer crying all the time,  not hating everything / myself / the world. sui ideation has diminished, no constant screeching in my head, no constant terror, mood swings are not too bad, feel much more present. I don't feel totally out of control and at mercy to my thoughts. None of my problems are solved or anything but sort of just able to accept where I am. my hope has returned, along with my divine connection. Was in the park and able to appreciate beauty yesterday - I'm quite irritable but other than that okay.

Symptoms at present is typical 'fibromalygia' stuff - heavy fatigue, brain fog, widespread body pain, muscle weakness / stiffness, extreme sensory sensitivity, burning skin, temperature dysregulation - poor restless sleep - my concenration / attention is very poor.

it's very difficult to know if the fibro symptoms is withdrawal symptoms as all this stuff predates the taper, and also predates being on duloxatine.

But I would say where I'm at the moment is my withdrawal normal and at baseline.

I'm planning my final jump for the 15th.

[Onmyway]

What wonderful news @dirtvoid, you've finally had a big window open

Because you had such long history on the drugs and multiple changes, it is possible that your 'fibro' is actually due to a sensitized nervous system from before the withdrawal. I hope that that too will disappear in due time though it might take a while to do so. 

 

There is a saying 'may this be your worst day' meaning that all the other ones are at least as good as and hopefully even better than this. 

 

OMW

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

Following along here...  Happy for you about the recent improvements.  

 

What a wonderful saying Onmyway has shared. "May this be your worst day." Beautiful. 

 

As always I am moved by your courage and commitment. Thank you for sharing your story, it benefits us all. 

Heal on <3

[dirtvoid]

13 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hi @dirtvoid

Following along here...  Happy for you about the recent improvements.  

 

What a wonderful saying Onmyway has shared. "May this be your worst day." Beautiful. 

 

As always I am moved by your courage and commitment. Thank you for sharing your story, it benefits us all. 

Heal on ❤️

Thank you - I read through your thread and wow. Our stories are really similar Your courage and persistence gives me strength.

--

So my mornings are really tough - there is the cortisol spike anywhere from 3-6am - where I get jolted awake in panic, my sleep is still pretty disjointed and even when I get it I still wake up exhausted and unrested.

The "fibro" pain was really bad today - at a solid (8/10) in all the tender/trigger points. just shooting pain all over particularly in arms/legs / neck/shoulder and the fatigue and weakness was just overwhelming and i get quite panicky when I'm that level exhausted because I fear the energy will never return - I can barely stand up and I keep needing to lie down and my arms and legs feel like lead and there is a dense mental fog and a sense of the air being dense and suffocating me. I panic about not being able to do things, as I just can't think straight and everything is just overwhelming. I tried some mindfulness meditation and a hypnosis for pain but didn't help.

Nonetheless my mood is remaining improved - not too high and too low.

I tried a bunch of things to ease the pain but nothing really worked - so I dragged myself to the shop to buy some smokes and spinach and felt a bit better after my smoke.

Then had a welcome to the synogouge call with my Rabbi and we had a nice chat and that made me feel better.

Had Hebrew class - which is a nice reminder that my mind is sill sharp, as I've made huge progress and am able to albeit slowly translate verses from the Tanakh - Learning a language has been so huge for my withdrawal recovery particular around cognitive symptoms.

Then made salmon and spinach for dinner.

Then spent some time talking to my roomate in the garden .

Now getting ready for bed - I'm usually much better in the evenings .

The mornings / day time are really difficult and I hope to see some improvements with my pain / fatigue soon.

[Onmyway]

Sorry to hear the pain is still bad @dirtvoid but glad that the mood is improving. 

Did you ever get a chance to read this? 

What is happening in your brain? - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

It always makes me feel better because it helps me realize that all these symptoms are the brain's way of healing! 

 

 I am so glad that you are finding community and renewed spiritual connection in the synagogue. 

Stay strong! 
OMW

[dirtvoid]

So huge progress this week - my mood remains stable.

After a couple bad pain days - Friday I managed to go my shul for Friday night services and dinner and - did so with little difficulties no panic / anxiety / fear - then I was able to get up early the next day and go to my other shul where I was giving a dvar torah on disablity justice & torah - (despite brain fog and poor concentration I manged to write a short piece about 750 words that I was really happy with) I had ordinary nerves and fears prior to giving it - but it didn't trigger a wave. I gave the speech and got really positive feedback from my community. I then went on the train to go on a mini-holiday with some friends - I did have some trouble with trains, train got delayed, then I got disoritented and missed the next train and then my phone died, got lost trying to figure out where the caravan site was, but despite all this I didn't get distressed at all. Then I met the group who are mostly LGBT jews, most of who I didn't know, and we went on a bus to town and we went for dinner I usually find eating out difficult at the best of times because of noise sensitivity, but I was able to enjoy the food (there was also lots of food I was able to eat with my sensitivies) and I was able to converse with all the people and even answer confidently the "what do you do?" question. We then went to a pub, and I was fine didn't even have any alcohol cravings and then to another pub and I had a sparkling water and lime, we then went to the caravan and played a charades-like game and I was able to join in have fun - my head was quiet and I didn't feel seperate actually felt present. I was able to even get some sleep this was what I was most worried about as I have very particular sleeping arrangements (weighted blanket, heat pad, foam mattress topper, fan in my face) I did struggle to sleep but didn't get anxious and overwhelmed but i managed a few hours. I was able to get up the next day and we went to the beach and went cold swimming - and then went to the art installation that was the purpose of the trip. Then after that my body had enough and was exhausted, and not feeling well and I went to the station to wait for the train home while everyone else did more adventuring. They all apoligised for not making the trip as accessible enough  and not considering my abilities which I thought was really kind and considerate. Today I am exhausted as predicted but still managed to meet my Rabbi to study some Tanakh.

All of this is such such massive progress not only with withdrawal but just general recovery and life.

I feel so much joy - I am still buzzing after the trip and feel much hope

Final cut is planned for this Sunday.

[Onmyway]

Such wonderful news @dirtvoid!

I am so happy for you. May I suggest that you wait a bit longer to make your next cut. I would like you to keep enjoying yourself and storing this hope and enjoyment for the future! I would prefer that you consolidate this stability for at least a couple of more weeks. The last cut is quite a large cut relatively speaking. 

 

It's up to you of course but I wish for you more joy like this. You sure deserve the respite. 

Edited May 10, 2022 by Onmyway

[dirtvoid]

On 5/10/2022 at 5:28 AM, Onmyway said:

Such wonderful news @dirtvoid!

I am so happy for you. May I suggest that you wait a bit longer to make your next cut. I would like you to keep enjoying yourself and storing this hope and enjoyment for the future! I would prefer that you consolidate this stability for at least a couple of more weeks. The last cut is quite a large cut relatively speaking. 

 

It's up to you of course but I wish for you more joy like this. You sure deserve the respite. 

 

I had a talk with my NA sponsor who has been my main offline support around my taper - and he agrees that I should hold for a little while longer given I'm about to move again next month, and also have my adult Bar Mitzvah and I still have quite a bit of work / organisation stuff to do around that - so will probably hold off until July - it can't hurt to hold - and I don't feel so trapped and like the taper is never going to end since it's the final cut and I want to be in the best place possible.

--

I had my 1000mg Testosterone shot yesterday (I have it every 3 months from now) (I wish I knew other Trans people tapering to compare how the shot effects withdrawal) and that evening my mood was quite elavated (racing thoughts), some unreality, visual distortions, and got really fixated on some Jewish Mysticism stuff and ended up staying up quite late writing out my thoughts on the residue of Divine light in the Void (reshimu) and had trouble sleeping -

Today I had flu-like symptoms  (muscle aches, sweats) that went away about an hour after I took my pill, some autonomic dysregulation - rapid heartbeat - stomach aches - nausea - dry heaving - I then went to see my sponsor and it's all settled down now. was looking up places to rent and don't feel too stressed about.  I think my only hesitancy is that the interdose withdrawals really bother me and I hate waking up feeling dope sick.

I am much better in the evening and feel okay - calm - no bothered by physical symptoms. Now.

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

So pleased to read that you are experiencing various improvements. You are very brave and have come so far! Hats off to you for all your hard work. 

 

20 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

(I wish I knew other Trans people tapering to compare how the shot effects withdrawal)

 

I can understand how it would be helpful to connect with others in a similar situation. 

 

Do you know the website Mad In America (MIA)? There is also a Mad in the UK edition. Sometimes on MIA I see blog posts and other pieces that touch upon the Trans experience. I did a quick search and here's what came up: 

 

https://www.madinamerica.com/?s=trans

 

Don't know if any of that could be relevant, but maybe it could be a way to find some people to contact and further inquire about the possibility of connecting with someone who's got the combo you're seeking. 

 

Another way to find other Trans people who are both tapering and receiving shots is for you to write your own blog post / personal story and submit to MIA for publishing on the site. Everyone is welcome to submit a personal story: https://www.madinamerica.com/submitting-personal-stories/

This way people whose experience resonates with yours will find and contact you. 

 

Thank you for sharing your journey here on SA. It benefits us all. 

Love and happy healing,

A.

[dirtvoid]

So I'm doing really well in the emotionally / mental side of things

It's been 2 weeks since my last crying fit, there's been no tears at all, my mood is stable not high, not low, and no swings, there's no terror or panic, no major anxiety or rumination or obsessive thinking, no voices,  my head is relatively quiet - lots of thinking not  particlarly distressing. Only issues are inattention and mental fatigue.

Physically it's still a struggle while lots of improvements the "fibro" symptoms aren't budging.

- the worst symptoms happen upon waking up - my body is so stiff like actually frozen solid, and really weak, I'm totally dissociated from my body I can't move, I can just about take the the pill from the bedside table and dry swallow, and just about manage to turn on a heat pad, but usually takes a few hours - and from there I am totally fatigued and feel like I just got out of surgery, the physical pain is also extruciating, along with flu-like aches and pains every morning,- It has been like this everyday, throughout my entire withdrawal.  So it takes about 3 hours to get out of bed and 3 hours from there to wake up.

I'm hoping once I'm off it will be better (once I'm through the acute stage of withdrawal)

However final cut will not be until July - my closest supports + on here it's been suggested to hold off until after I move.

I am hoping I am healing in the meantime and it will make the final jump easier.

 

[dirtvoid]

Decided to pull the plug and jumped to ZERO BEADS!

I'm stoked to have finally slowly finished the taper -

 

I will continue to update as I heal - I'm expecting it to be a slow process but it does feel like a huge relief to be finally be off.

 

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

Wow, big news! 

Congratulations on making the jump to zero. 

I wish you the best of luck moving forward as your body adjusts and stabilizes. 

You have come so far and faced much adversity along the way. You are very brave!

I will be following along here, looking forward to your updates. 

Mazel tov <3

A.