dirtvoid: psychiatric survivor - year 3 of detox - 2 drugs to go

[dirtvoid]

4 days off - and doing really well

- no acute withdrawal symptoms -

Today I was able to walk to the park and write some stepwork and go to the supermarket without using a mobility aid. My pain levels have been low and only stiffness and weakness first thing in the morning - took about 3 hours to get out of bed (which is a huge improvement)

No brain fog, head feels quite clear

no severe fatigue/weakness - no episodes of muscle paralysis, no spasms,

 

No worsening of GI - it has been better lately but still have some IBS symptoms -

Only a split second of terror when sitting in my garden and I could just hear every sound in the universe and feel it in my bones but passed very quickly. No anxiety or panic otherwise.

Mood is stable.

Only issues are: overwhelm, indescisiveness, attention problems, disorginisation - none of those can be particularly attributed to withdrawal.

I don't think I'm in the clear yet, but a relief to see improvements so quickly nonetheless.

between 4-6 months off will be the real test.

Can I please be taken off moderation before posting?

 

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

 

Great to hear! Thank you for sharing your update. 

 

7 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

I don't think I'm in the clear yet, but a relief to see improvements so quickly nonetheless.

between 4-6 months off will be the real test.

 

It's helpful to recovery that you're aware of the longer-term perspective. Healing continues to happen for years after getting to zero. 

I'm wishing you some very good, stable, grounded years in which you can root and replenish without undue stress. 

 

You're doing such important work and you've come so far!

Keep taking gentle care of yourself and you will continue to heal and grow stronger.

 

With love and respect,

A.

[dirtvoid]

I can't believe the positive changes since getting off - I think part of this is I am no longer suffering interdose withdrawal.

Mornings are still difficult but I'm able to wake up and get up much earlier - and my energy levels have really improved which is incredibly exciting, I really feel a new lease on life. I get this may be a honeymoon period and I'm sure the wave/window pattern will continue.  However, right now I am in a window and after what I've been through I truly apreciate it. So far the fog has really lifted, my pain levels are lower. My head and body doesn't feel like they are filled with lead. The fatigue has lifted a bit of energy is so nice.

I actually feel like myself and I like myself.

I am so filled with gratiude.

[dirtvoid]

Yesterday was worse. I had slept poorly the night before (only 3 hours) had energy when I woke up but quickly faded, got tachycardia followed by being violently sick and just generally feeling unwell, lots of visual static, fatigue and irritability. Then lay down and had scary hypogogic hallucination combined with post-traumatic-stress nightmares - being pinned down and dragged down by demons. But felt better in the evening.

Was sick again this morning - along with pain and fatigue.

Mood remains stable - also able to handle stress quite well.

Remaining hopeful, taking it day by day

[Ariel]

22 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

Mood remains stable - also able to handle stress quite well.

Remaining hopeful, taking it day by day

 

@dirtvoid

Good on you -- very inspiring!

Keep cultivating that superpower. 

You are making it through and you will get there -- healing is happening all the time!

Thanks for keeping us in the loop.

Wishing you moments of peace,

A.

[dirtvoid]

Mood has crashed - I saw the signs for the last few days - very usual pattern starts off with the heavy fatigue, severe widespread body pain and the brain fog and then the mood follows.

Currently in extremely despair, totally helpless totally hopeless, not sobbing but crying fits with tears pricking at the back of my eyes. Despair and rage at my lonliness and fixated on my ex who decided I didn't exist anymore 3 years ago and with that feeling like nobody will ever want me, because just look at me, I have nothing about me that is loveable or deserving of love and I'm totally inept as a human. Despair and rage at chronically unemployability and ther being no way out of that. Fear around housing instability have about a month to find a place which is proving exceptionally difficult - due to housing discrimination and fear around not finding somewhere safe and having to move again and again like in 2020 where I moved 5 times all in difficult circumstances. Feeling very bitter and lost. Struggling to do the most basic of things and resenting having to taking care of myself and feel burdened by my own existence. Su*c!de ideation seeping in and very fixated about plans ways and means and the fantasies are very vivid. The screaming in my head is back - and akathasia is on and off again. Hate everything don't want to be in the world and feel like there's no place for me here. Back in anhedonia and DR/DP don't feel real - don't really feel anything, everything feels futile - don't feel in my body or part of the world - extreme lack of motivation for anything.

Praying this will pass soon as I hate being stuck in basic survival mode - I want a sembalance of a life I want to live.

[Ariel]

Dear brave @dirtvoid

So sorry you are in a wave at the moment. 

Remember that it's temporary and this too shall pass. 

You have worked so hard and come so far. You are healing. 

Sending you lots of love,

A.

[dirtvoid]

Bad flashbacks last night - felt as helpless, scared and abandoned as I did as adolesent in psychiatric incarceration and lots of waking up feeling detatched -

Today was quite rough, my carer came and I could barely talk and was very low and blank but did open a bit about what was going on.

Lots of crying jags and just having lots of in my head voices being so loud and vicious.

Spoke to a friend on the phone who reassured me that I'm going through a lot and it makes sense that I feel like I do.

 

Went to an NA meeting but looks like the meeting that was my homegroup is about to fold but got me out my head a little at least and I saw a rainbow on my way home which was nice.

a critical psych organisation asked me to do a video for them which made me feel a bit more useful/purposeful.

Spoke to my best friend via messages and feel much better - she really believes in me and is incredibly supportive of everyting

Not as a bad as I was earlier - less trapped in it -

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

[dirtvoid]

Still feeling rough today - very much back in the all consuming despair-rage-terror where everything is overwhelming and the smallest of tasks are near impossible - and constant vicious screaming in the head that reduces me to a crying mess.

 

I want a life.

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

I'm sorry you're feeling rough. 

 

On 6/1/2022 at 1:21 AM, dirtvoid said:

Spoke to a friend on the phone who reassured me that I'm going through a lot and it makes sense that I feel like I do.

 

On 6/1/2022 at 1:21 AM, dirtvoid said:

I saw a rainbow on my way home which was nice.

a critical psych organisation asked me to do a video for them which made me feel a bit more useful/purposeful.

Spoke to my best friend via messages and feel much better - she really believes in me and is incredibly supportive of everyting

Not as a bad as I was earlier - less trapped in it -

 

It's great that you are noticing and registering these moments. 

Your awareness, social skills, and coping tools are significant and will continue to help you through.  

 

Hang in there <3

Edited June 2, 2022 by Ariel

[dirtvoid]

Deep in a dark despair and distress - no motivation, no drive - total apathy - anhedonia - hopeless -  no apetite - can't concenrate because of relentless screaming and voices in my head - only is quiet when I feel nothing - not sure about physical symptoms because I am so trapped in my head I may as well not even have a body. A lot of emotional pain, a lot of crying fits - making bad decisions to try and cope. Want to die most of the time - taking care of myself is near impossible, because I just don't care about myself. Bitter. Angry. Alienated from G-d. Missing my ex terribly it's been 3 years. I can't stop obsessing and panicking. Been self-harming. Every second is pure agony, trapped in relentless anguish. I don't want to be in the world at all. I'm very scared that this is it and there is no way out.

Feel like I did when I was 15, feel like I did when I CT Duloxatine in 2019 -

Cried the whole way through a meeting this morning
Staying in close contact with my Sponsor who is being helpful
Been painting the voices

 

This weekend is Shavout - which I *should* be excited about as it is a holiday dedicated to studying Torah all night - and I will partake in my community and I'm hoping for a bit of spiritual fulfillment.

 

[dirtvoid]

Things are looking up a little -

Pushed myself to go to an all night Shavuot celebration - for the first hours I was very low felt very numb and disconnected and couldn’t concentrate well as I would be sitting there and having repeating vicious vivid visual sui-cidal images. But after a few hours of Davening I started to feel something again and feel that Divine presence holding and guiding me and I do feel like it’s the only thing that helps me feel alive, is engaging with my community in ritual and by dawn I was really feeling quite spiritual connected and able to turn back towards G-d and my mood had lifted a bit - I may not be able to hide or mask my low moods or anguish but I can still show up to places regardless of what I’m feeling and I think that is important.

 

I blocked my ex on Friday as they were causing too much pain and dysregulation by continuously ignoring me and it just drives me over the edge and I don’t want to go there anymore. It’s painful and I feel all sorts of things around this situation but I have to disengage and accept reality as devastating as it is.

 

Today my mood is better but have some visceral anxiety and uneasy feelings. I slept til 4 which makes sense as I didn’t get home until about 8am.
 

Energy needs to go into finding a place to live, and I have one prospect so far but not til august so would have to be couch surfing in July. 

[dirtvoid]

Mood is really low - I don't want to wake up - I see no point in anything - I'm nothing but angst and anguish - I feel like I'm 15 and really trapped in the space - feel hopeless - I am just heartbroken over a relationship that in theory ended 3 years ago. I am unloveable and unemployable and totally inept. I don't know how to make it alive in this world.

 

slight relief while davening but didn't lift my mood

went to gym and sauna - kept me busy but did nothing to lift my mood

[dirtvoid]

Slight improvements today:

 

I spoke to a friend on the phone last night and we made plans for Sunday

 

Today I've been more anxious than sad, woke up with that cortisol spike and viscereal anxiety - and I did some mindfulness I have been doing that everyday upon waking for 45 days in a row - it does seem to help slightly. I don't have a whole lot of motivation and drive but pushing myself to go through the motions anyhow - I'm trying to get through a to-do list. I spoke to my Sponsor who is very helpful and doesn't give much weight to my feelings without being invalidating which helps a lot and helps steer me away from them. I am struggling with overwhelming obsessive thoughts and ruminations along with being trapped in a emotional flashback where I feel like I'm 15. I'm still very angry and irritable, but I do feel better than a few days ago - my mood is still low but I'm not a point of total hopelessness, I'm doing what I need to do to try and feel better and get my life in order.

I'm extremely overwhelmed by quite a few things - my housing and my B'nei Mitzvah organising/planning - and healing from the heartache of my ex -  blocking my ex has created a new wave of withdrawal and dysregulation.

Staying closely to prayer as it really seems it is my best method of survival of adversity and the only thing out of everything that noticeably makes a different - that along with connecting with other people.

I'm struggling a bit with food and old eating distress cognitions - which I'm sure is not helping matters - but this recovery business is like a game of whack-a-mole - and I don't want to go back there so I am doing my best to tackle it and I'm sure it will die down once life is less stressful - everything feels so out of control so it makes sense that I'm seeking some way to regain control - trying to not make a too big deal of it and just get back on the path of recovery and healing.

I was deeply troubled before I took psych drugs and I was so young - for me there isn't a place where I was okay to go back to - I'm not trying to recover who I was - I'm just trying to move forward.

It's only 20 days off, so I'm expecting setbacks and stormy waters ahead + the housing stress is a lot for anyone and particular someone with a history of housing instability.

What I am experiencing is normal considering the circumstances and with patience and acceptance I can make it through.

[dirtvoid]

Also there has been huge physical improvements since I'm off the drug but it's hard to take notice of it since I am so clouded by emotional / mental distress - I do want to note that. I don't feel half as ill as I did 3 weeks ago even if my mood was better. The physical sensations that accompanies fear and despair are just as impairing but also very different to how I felt before I'm just trying to resassure myself of why I made the decision to jump off in the midst of all this life stress.

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

Thank you for your updates, it's good to follow along. 

I hear you that it's a mixed bag. 

 

1 minute ago, dirtvoid said:

Also there has been huge physical improvements since I'm off the drug

 

Could you say a bit more about this? What are the huge physical improvements you've been experiencing? 

I'd love to read the details if you feel like sharing. 

 

[dirtvoid]

5 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hi @dirtvoid

Thank you for your updates, it's good to follow along. 

I hear you that it's a mixed bag. 

 

 

Could you say a bit more about this? What are the huge physical improvements you've been experiencing? 

I'd love to read the details if you feel like sharing. 

 

 

- Reduced Muscle/joint pain, fatigue, stiffness

- Reduced Muscle Spasms

- No flu-like aches and pain in the morning

- Eyes aren't sore and painful

- Despite lack of apetite - not feeling nausea

- Not violently throwing up in the mornings

- Actually having solid stools and they aren't painful and not like having bowel movements every 5-10 minutes in the morning

- Reduced abdominal pain / bloating

- Not feeling dizzy, weak or that disequllibrium

- not feeling lightheaded or motion sick

- not feeling as unsteady on my feet, there were times were I could barely walk - although I'm still very Dyspraxic which massively affects my co-ordination

- Less mirgines and light sensitivity (although still have pretty bad sensory processing issues but I had that as long as I can remember)

- No brain zaps

-  Less restless legs at night

- Only had one episodes of severe muscle weakness / paraylsis and that was alongside hypnogogic hallucinations

 

So quite a lot of improvements and I feel much less ill, but was very hard to take notice of it as when I'm deep in emotion anguish and in obsessive thinking and distressed by hearing voices I exist basically in my head and don't have much awareness of my body at all and the despair / fear have there own set of physical issues.

__

Doing much better this afternoon/evening - got everything on my to-do list done - including some bonus stuff like getting my first haircut in a year and getting starting on packing and getting some dinner - and made a Salmon and Spinach salad. Texted my Sponsor to thank him for his support and patience and feeling much less trapped in my own head and I've written a powerful Dvar Torah about my recovery from drug addiction and how I became a Ba'al Teshuvah Jew - I feel out of the flashback and back into myself as a person I like and I care about. Small steps can make big changes and I'm not feeling out of control or suicidal anymore which always helps.

 

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

Happy for you about these improvements! 

Thank you for sharing <3

I trust that the other symptoms will resolve in time. 

Sending best wishes for continuous healing,

A. 

[dirtvoid]

3 weeks off today

Had a bit of an all over place day

didn't sleep well 2am-4am and then 4am-7am - I got up did my meditation and just felt really weak and brain foggy, went in my garden - had breakfast - and then sort of had to lie down as the fatigue was so overwhelming and had extremely intense vivid quite frightening lucid dreams with hypnogogic hallucinations upon waking-  then was very groggy and out of it - lots of mood swings today - just very all over the place - got some things done - but feel very chaotic.

[dirtvoid]

Today was rough

Last night my head was just spinning and couldn't settle down to get to sleep and my thoughts were just racing and racing -

I set an alarm  so I could do the community gardening - I slept 5 hours (not in a row) - when I woke up I was just in total despair, I woke up my thoughts were just so intrusive, loud, vicious and consuming  ust couldn't stop crying and raging and wanting to die and having visual thoughts about ways and means - the only thing I could do was crawl back under the covers and didn't get up til 4:30pm - and now still very low with suicidal ideation - I feel like I did at 15 -

My main triggers right now: feeling ignored, unloved, unimportant, worthless, trying to go NC with my ex, housing instability, fears around my perpetual unemployability, I am having non-stop flashbacks about being instiutionalised.

 

Yes this is withdrawal but this is also just what I'm up against in life - I don't feel like it's wise for me to blame it all on withdrawal -

[dirtvoid]

Doing better than I was Thursday -no crying fits or suicidal ideation - yesterday I was at Mad Studies conference all day at my old uni which was good managed to get up at 7.30 to get there for 9am and mostly enjoyed it. I was presenting artwork and a reflective essay I wrote on my experiences with withdrawal and I overheard some people call my work “tasteless and dangerous” and commented it was saying “look at me I went through all this withdrawal but it’s fine for you to stop your meds”. Naturally overhearing this made me angry and upset and I have ruminating on this comment quite a bit. There is part of me is proud of my work and glad to cause a rise in people and be controversial because it’s important to speak out about what happened to me. Then there’s a part of me that thinks was all this in vain did am I just putting myself through relentless suffering for no reason? Nonetheless my old professor encouraged to me to apply for my PhD which is something to think about. 
 

I slept when I came home and then prepared for shabbos 

 

today I was in fatigue mode slept until 6am and then fell asleep and woke up repeatedly until 2pm - I did feel really sick when I woke up and I attribute that to eating a bag of vegan jelly sweets at the conference. I went for a walk in the afternoon and did some davening and then came home and crashed again with muscle weakness and that body led feeling and intense body pain. I woke up studied some Torah. Saw a beautiful sunset out my window. Then got a really bad headache. 

 

My mood has improved but the fatigue and pain is bad 

I’m less panicked about housing even though I still have no solution and am potentially homeless in 3 weeks time 

 

 

[dirtvoid]

Doing much better wave has passed - had a great positive weekend had a nice shabbat - prepping for my Adult Bar Mitzvah very excited about it all - went to see an old friend who loves me dearly and cuddled her adorable pitbull all night - spent time with family and had actually positive interactions with them I feel good, happy even. There is hope for the future again - and even with the housing stuff, I sort of just trust I will find a way to cope and manage even if it is less than ideal.

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

I appreciate your updates and the kind messages you've been leaving for others around the site. Thank you for supporting our fellow members, it's a valuable contribution to the community. 

 

9 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

Doing much better wave has passed - had a great positive weekend had a nice shabbat - prepping for my Adult Bar Mitzvah very excited about it all - went to see an old friend who loves me dearly and cuddled her adorable pitbull all night - spent time with family and had actually positive interactions with them I feel good, happy even. There is hope for the future again - and even with the housing stuff, I sort of just trust I will find a way to cope and manage even if it is less than ideal.

 

This sounds lovely. Glad you are having some wholesome, restorative experiences and connecting with good people. You seem to be surrounded by kind people who care about you, which is invaluable. You are wise to cultivate your support system. 

[Ariel]

On 6/12/2022 at 12:16 AM, dirtvoid said:

I was presenting artwork and a reflective essay I wrote on my experiences with withdrawal and I overheard some people call my work “tasteless and dangerous” and commented it was saying “look at me I went through all this withdrawal but it’s fine for you to stop your meds”. Naturally overhearing this made me angry and upset and I have ruminating on this comment quite a bit. There is part of me is proud of my work and glad to cause a rise in people and be controversial because it’s important to speak out about what happened to me. Then there’s a part of me that thinks was all this in vain did am I just putting myself through relentless suffering for no reason? Nonetheless my old professor encouraged to me to apply for my PhD which is something to think about. 

 

Btw I know many artists who would take "tasteless and dangerous" as the highest praise. For your work to reach out and touch others one way or another could be considered a compliment, regardless of how it affects them. The rest is a matter of honing your craft, practicing how to align intention with outcome -- if precision of communication/reception is important to you, which it need not necessarily be. There is a place for creative self-expression for its/your own private sake without taking the audience into account, in which case nevermind what anyone says about it afterwards.  

[brassmonkey]

It all comes down to the basic definition of "art".

 

Art is the personal expression of the creator's inner feelings, views, experiences and attitudes done to visualize their inner emotions. It is personal and has meaning to the Artist but is not intended to have meaning for any audience. If an audience finds meaning in the creation, all the better, but their meaning will probably be different than the artists. 

 

If the creator does a work to "please others" it is "decoration" not art. 

 

 

 

 

[dirtvoid]

4 weeks off 

Today was strange - 

I had a moment where I was looking out my window and I cried and it wasn't like withdrawal crying spells but deep feeling - I was thinking about my ex and how I miss how they made my body feel, and how my gender dysphoria and all the pain was easier too bear because my body became this site of pleasure, and how I wish my body felt like home. It was a good emotional release.

I had a consultation for NHS accupunture, it went well, he listened to be and believed me about the iatrogenic damage. We discussed when my chronic pain started which while I've had chronic pain my whole life due to my motor disability, but it really started in 2017, I had an painful but relatively minor injury caused by overworking + sleeping on the floor, when I was in art school I was then perscribed Oxycodone + Cyclobenzoprine + my Lyrica was upped to 600mg + Vimovo + I was taking 2mg Klonopin (+ 30mg Adderall) + I was drinking and injecting ketamine. Because I was numb to the pain, I continued to work myself into the ground. Then it got even worse when I CTed off the Oxy and Clyclobenzoprine. I moved to Vancouver and was living in mice infested black mould ridden punk house where I was then taking up to 10 Klonopins a day and my drinking was really bad and this is when I really got very sick and what led to me get sober + start getting off all the posion - this is just a snippet of my body has been through it's taken me 5 years to get off everything and it makes sense I'm not in the best shape. It was nice to have a professional listen to me and not just dismiss me as 'mentally ill' but I am hoping accupunture will be  helpful.

Then it was really hot - and I am trying to organise more stuff around my Bar Mitzvah I have to do some catering which I'm really stressed about as I've never cooked in bulk before but have plans to do that around Friday... Then I spoke to my sponsor who is not doing well, and was trying to express how lost I feel about my housing situation, and also to mention that he bailed on me yesterday, I think he's just struggling right now and was quite dismissive so I just need to have compassion for him.

I ended up having the compulsion to walk for 2 hours in the heat - thinking about things and was very dissociated and spacey. I had an existential crisis in the parking lot of Aldi about queerness, sex and dating and my sobriety. Then close to my house I witnessed a man abusing his girlfriend who was crying on the pavement and I stopped to check she was okay and he screamed in my face and threatened to beat me up, she appreciated my concern and I left the situation.

I then was secretary at a meeting and I didn't realise I was meant to start the meeting which was stressful but I got to get some of feelings and hang ups around queerness and sobriety.

Last few hours I've been really stressed out about housing, I really want it sorted so I at least have some idea of what is happening, the uncertanity is getting to me along being extremely unsure what decision to make.

I am feeling quite unwell from my long walk in the heat. It's all A LOT right now and really want some stability and some breathing space. Nothing seems like the right decision.

Withdrawal-wise - I'm not doing too badly my mood is pretty okay, I am extremely anxious, in hyperarousal which I put down to the stress of big day on Saturday, my housing situation that is bringing up my trauma around housing - physically it is just much of the same chronic stuff -

[dirtvoid]

Doing very well, I've had a really busy week and been able to handle it, I'm feeling so much better and hope that I continue to improve. There is still a lot of stress around my housing, but I'm coping. The difficulties I am having are quite existential and I can't really attribute to withdrawal - I had a crash today - was just in pain and fatigue/exhaustion because yesterday was my Bar Mitzvah and there was a lot going on and a lot of socialising, I even went on to the pub (obviously didn't drink alcohol) and to a house party afterwards. It was a really beautiful cermony and had a wonderful time. I have another busy week ahead, Monday meeting my Rabbi and then going to a workshop to prepare for Mad Pride. Tuesday going to see my favourite band. Thursday I start accupunture. I feel like I'm getting back into living life - still a lot of healing to do, but life is easier without the mental clouding and being consumed constant withdrawal symptoms. I feel like now what I have to deal with is me. My mood continues to be stable - physically some ways to go but still huge improvements.

The symptom that most bothers me is these strange almost narcoletpic episodes that include: muscle weakness/ falling asleep without much warning and hypnogogic hallucinations -
- Saturday before the Bar Mitzvah I was up at 5am and tried to take it easy and do some meditation / prayer - then I got really fatigued around 8am and so I had to lay down and I went into intense REM sleep and had wild lucid dreams / followed by hypnogogic hallucinations upon waking and awoke with muscle weakness which settled down after about an hour. I feel like in time these will subside. I had this too in the acute stage of coming off benzos. 

[Roserdl]

Reading your thread,  it is amazing the strength you have shown.  So happy to read your latest update and that your feeling better!  

 

 

[dirtvoid]

Doing really well - Mood has remained stable

Had NHS accupunture today and it seems to helped a little bit, during was relaxing. Although straight after I felt worse more fatigued and in pain.

 

I feel like I'm getting my life back and be present for it -

- was filming for a documentary yesterday
- day before went to go see my favourite band - didn't have any photosensitive seizure - I loved every single second of it - made a friend on the internet to go with to drive me there and back - had no crowd anxiety or anything - just was present and had the absolute time of my life.
- Able to be of support to people in my life, have just taken on a sponsee to go through the 12 steps.

I still feel chronically vaguely unwell all the time but I no longer feel like psych withdrawal is the all-consuming cornerstone of my existence - I feel like I can live with it which I didn't feel while in the midst of tapering - It's not longer a constant state of  severity   -  it's still early days but huge improvements now I am off. I feel about 30% on a bad day - 40% on a good. Which is HUGE!

Also in a contsant state of this elated thought of: I DID IT! I BEAT PSYCHIATRY! I'M FREE!

My big stress is my housing - I have to leave where I am in 10 days and I have no idea where I am going, the uncertanity is difficult but I'm just trying to have faith and do all I can to figure it out - it's making me anxious but not stuck in that frozen state. Nor is the constant rejection I am experienced making me go in to the doom-y "The world doesn't want me in it" narrative - I know the places I belong in this world and have access to them.




 

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

2 minutes ago, dirtvoid said:

I know the places I belong in this world and have access to them.

 

WOW. What a powerful statement. 

Congratulations, and thank you <3

And Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah!

[Guest]

On 6/9/2022 at 10:46 PM, dirtvoid said:

Today was rough

Last night my head was just spinning and couldn't settle down to get to sleep and my thoughts were just racing and racing -

I set an alarm  so I could do the community gardening - I slept 5 hours (not in a row) - when I woke up I was just in total despair, I woke up my thoughts were just so intrusive, loud, vicious and consuming  ust couldn't stop crying and raging and wanting to die and having visual thoughts about ways and means - the only thing I could do was crawl back under the covers and didn't get up til 4:30pm - and now still very low with suicidal ideation - I feel like I did at 15 -

My main triggers right now: feeling ignored, unloved, unimportant, worthless, trying to go NC with my ex, housing instability, fears around my perpetual unemployability, I am having non-stop flashbacks about being instiutionalised.

 

Yes this is withdrawal but this is also just what I'm up against in life - I don't feel like it's wise for me to blame it all on withdrawal -

Me feeling the same at the moment ! 
 

did you still have this visions ? 

[dirtvoid]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:42 PM, Quittingquentiapin said:

Me feeling the same at the moment ! 
 

did you still have this visions ? 

 

They are usually mood dependent and I haven't in about a month as  my mood has been pretty stable.

--

 

So little update I've moved and I'm happy in my new place - I'm having a bit of crash with fatigue and chronic pain stuff but to be expected since the move was a huge stressor for so many reasons.

 

Other than that doing really well, enjoying my time spent with other psych survivors offline. My mood is stable - I feel good, the absolutely anguish of withdrawal feels like a bad nightmare and I'm becoming restored to myself. Sleep is okay not great but not a issue, still wake up in severe pain / fatigue that usually settles down, although last 2 days it has been very bad but as I said to be expected, moving took a lot from me.

 

I'm 6 weeks off and I'm pretty stable by my own standards. Slowly but surely improving - feeling so better now I am off.

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

Happy to read your update, I was just thinking about you earlier and wondering how you're doing. 

 

15 minutes ago, dirtvoid said:

So little update I've moved and I'm happy in my new place

 

Yay! Congratulations on your new home. 

I'm glad the move is over and done with, I know this was hanging over your head for a while and (understandably) weighing on you. 

May this be a safe haven for you, a place for you to recharge and gather strength and inspiration for your many future endeavors!

I trust there are countless delicious adventures in store for you <3

 

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

Thinking of you <3

[dirtvoid]

On 7/23/2022 at 10:18 PM, Ariel said:

@dirtvoid

Thinking of you ❤️

Thank you - Doing really well - moving away from this site as my energy is moving towards psych abolition and mad liberation and connecting with psych survivors offline, I'm feeling less about individual 'healing' and more about collective social revolution - the last few weeks have been the best of my life with Mad Pride learning to "turn my madness against the state" - and travelling across the country staying in anarchist autonomous spaces / protest camps connecting with like minded people, making art, sharing meals, singing songs, writing to incarcerated comrades, attending and giving workshops, laughing more than I ever have between the heaviness of abolition work, being in nature, swimming naked under the stars in rivers and oceans, playfighting in trees, sharing stories, hitchhiking and just living life at it's best and feel like the most me I can be.

I'm not really in withdrawals anymore it's nothing like it was while I was tapering, I'm pretty stablised but also still crazy and sometimes my head is loud, but it's my crazy it's the crazy psychiatry so desprately tried to subdue and it's mine and I embrace it fully because it's me and I went through many horrific things and I didn't come out of it unscathed and I'm okay with that, it doesn't make me broken or damaged or in need of healing, it makes me a human who has survived unspeakable horrors.

-  I do still have chronic pain and fatigue and various neurological issues and gut issues and sensitivies  but it was never clear if that was entirely caused by the psych-drugs / withdrawal but certainly a factor and it's not quite as bad as it was.

On my trip I did have a couple episodes of muscle paralysis / dissociation, but I was around people who were quick to respond and able to

I still get overwhelmed easy but the feeling like death, sheer blood-curdling terror that I can't leave my room , akathasia, total frozen weakness, helplessness and endless streams of tears, being so exhausted that going to the bathroom requires a nap and wanting to die and the endless attack of withdrawal symptoms constant vomiting, heart pounding, agonising gut pain, feels like a nightmare of the past. I'm not there anymore and I hope I never go back there. I'm so so so glad to be done with my taper and able to move on with my life. I've lost so much of it to psychiatry and the half decade spent getting of the drugs.

To anyone struggling and thinking their case is too complex to recover from, it is possible.

[Ariel]

@dirtvoid

Thank you for this beautiful update <3

Wow -- amazing to hear -- brought tears to my eyes. 

Congratulations on all your hard work, you have come so far!

Awesome job <3

 

8 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

Doing really well - moving away from this site as my energy is moving towards psych abolition and mad liberation and connecting with psych survivors offline, I'm feeling less about individual 'healing' and more about collective social revolution

 

8 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

To anyone struggling and thinking their case is too complex to recover from, it is possible.

 

Please do check in once in a while, if only every couple of months or half year or so. It would be great to hear how you're going, it offers so much hope and encouragement to those of us still trudging through. 

 

SA is part of the collective social revolution, too, and a gorgeous, vibrant, radical effort at that -- people giving freely of their precious time and hard-earned wisdom, exchanging to help each other out(side) of the capitalist, medical industrial complex and psychiatric/sociopolitical hierarchies. We all benefit so much from the life-changing activism and generosity of Altostrata and the moderators, who are themselves survivors as well as unpaid volunteer staff. Each and every one is making the world a better place, one post at a time. 

 

When you are ready, please come back to share your success story in the recovery forum. I'm sure it will make a difference to so many. 

 

Best of luck to you on your continuous healing journey <3

In solidarity and support,

A.