dirtvoid: psychiatric survivor - year 3 of detox - 2 drugs to go

[redkite]

Hi, I stayed up half the night reading your thread and have just finished it today.... what a ******* superstar, keep on keeping on, and power to the people!!!! redkite

[Blossom71]

I echo what @redkitehas said.

I’ve read your whole thread over the last couple of days and am blown away by your strength, determination and tenacity!

Deffo a ******* superstar!

I wish you all the love and light in the world as you continue to recover x

[dirtvoid]

3 months off today - still doing really well with very minimal symptoms - still impacted by pain and fatigue but don't really think I can blame that on withdrawal alone. I feel like I have my life back as much as I can but very aware that I've lost my entire teens/twenties to psychiatry so getting my life back means and looks different to someone who had a life prior to psychiatry  - my withdrawal feels like a distant nightmare - it swallowed my entire life and sense of self - I'm still chronically unwell but it's not as frightening as it was while in withdrawal as I'm not totally preoccupied and consumed by symptoms.

My next big thing is going for major surgery next month - I'm getting a double incision bilateral mastectomy (top surgery) - aware for the possibility of being a setback but I also reckon the gender-affirming and reduction in pain from binding and also the weight of my chest will far outweigh the risks.

[Ariel]

Hi @dirtvoid

 

On 8/19/2022 at 1:17 AM, dirtvoid said:

3 months off today - still doing really well with very minimal symptoms

 

This is great to hear! 

Congrats on your 3-month post-zero mark. 

 

On 8/19/2022 at 1:17 AM, dirtvoid said:

still impacted by pain and fatigue but don't really think I can blame that on withdrawal alone. I feel like I have my life back as much as I can but very aware that I've lost my entire teens/twenties to psychiatry so getting my life back means and looks different to someone who had a life prior to psychiatry  - my withdrawal feels like a distant nightmare - it swallowed my entire life and sense of self - I'm still chronically unwell but it's not as frightening as it was while in withdrawal as I'm not totally preoccupied and consumed by symptoms.

 

Many of us have grieving and psychological/existential healing to do around this. 

 

It sounds like you have been doing a really great job of (re-)building your life along the way, you've got strong community support and seem to be involved with numerous friend groups and causes. As Shep often points out, integral to healing is replacing old, traumatic memories with new, nourishing experiences. Throughout your WD journey you've been actively investing in social connections and that will continue to serve you well. 

 

On 8/19/2022 at 1:17 AM, dirtvoid said:

My next big thing is going for major surgery next month - I'm getting a double incision bilateral mastectomy (top surgery) - aware for the possibility of being a setback but I also reckon the gender-affirming and reduction in pain from binding and also the weight of my chest will far outweigh the risks.

 

You are very brave!

Good luck with your surgery. 

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

[dirtvoid]

I’ve had to quit smoking for surgery 

 

and it’s sent me into a wave 

 

intense restlessness and agitation 

irritable 
insomnia 

some suicide ideation 

increased body joint pain 

Overwhelming fatigue 

inability to concentrate on anything 

high stress levels 

low mood

lack of motivation 

inability to do tasks stuck in “freeze”

feel very internalised “stuck in my head” 

nausea/stomach pain 

brain fog 

Mood swings 

ruminations / obsessive thoughts 

cravings 

 

All of these are pretty normal in the context of nicotine withdrawal 

 

I am using a vape which is helping the cravings but not touching the other symptoms I do feel like a sensitised nervous system is impounding the symptoms + the life stress of moving and surgery. I need to be off the vape by Tuesday. 

 

feels like a bad wave. 
 

 

 

[dirtvoid]

So a week ago I had gender affirming top surgery which was a double incision, mastectomy - it was a really major surgery - that I’m so stoked to have had especially after the risperdone I was given as a teenager caused me to have rapid breast growth and lactate. The surgery all went well and I’m recovering well. 

 

I have been off all psych drugs for 4 months - after a long taper. However for the surgery I have been taking painkillers I was on 250mg of Tramadol a day for 3 days and between and 120mg of codeine a day for 8 days. The pain / discomfort has died down but the drugs + anaesthesia has put me in a pretty bad wave again.

 

I’m planning on halving my dose tomorrow to 60mg and planning to rapid taper off by the 2 week mark on the 27th

 

Looking for advice or general encouragement

I’m also taking a mix of OTC medicines 

Advil 600mg every 12 hours 
Tylenol 1000mg every 4 hours 
Doucusate Sodium 100mg every 12 hours 
Senokot 4 x 8.6 at night as needed (only when I’ve been backed up for a few days at a time)
Cetirizine 10mg (to sooth itching) 1 a day for the last 2 days 
Gravol Ginger (as needed) 

My current problems 

Mood / Emotional instability
Crying spells 
Low mood / Despair 
Hopelessness 
Some SI 
Lack of motivation 
Rage 

Irritability 
Gut issues: cramps / constipation followed by watery stools from laxatives  
Fatigue / Weakness / Pain 
Obsessive compulsive thoughts 
Rumination 
Paranoia 

Fear/terror 
Mental Akathasia 
Strong craving for more opioids 

I’m very much stuck in helpless trauma-mode 

Then the specific surgery issues are:

Swelling / bruising (all healing very well)
Intense pain (6/7/10)
Numbness
Itchiness 
Extreme tactical Sensory overload  / pain from the surgical binder
Sleep problems from having to lay on my back.  

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, dirtvoid said:

codeine a day for 8 days.

 

1 hour ago, dirtvoid said:

Senokot 4 x 8.6 at night as needed (only when I’ve been backed up for a few days at a time)

 

Codeine can cause constipation.  You might consider taking a Senokat every night whilst you are taking it.  Constipation might cause hemorrhoids or make them worse if you have existing ones.

[dirtvoid]

so update is that is I have developed post-surgery nerve pain  - spoke to others who have had this surgery and not everyone but a couple people experience this. 
 

the pain is really severe and Its like I can feel every nerve ending that be severed in my chest along with burning and shooting pain it is pretty much 24/7. 
 

the surgeon suggested low dose pregabalin and I was so desperate I took for 2 days don’t want to go down this route as I don’t know how long the nerve pain will last it maybe just acute post surgery, or may last many months and I just can’t go through it all again.

 

I’m using an ice pack constantly.

 

The worst of the depression has lifted now I’m just more generally low and unmotivated and just want to sleep all the time.

Im seeing friends lots and doing my best to get through but the pain is just absolutely unbearable 

 

 

[dirtvoid]

Off the Pregabalin for 3 days still on the codeine 

 

Thankfully no additional issues coming off 

 

I'm in a really deep depression

 

The nerve pain is unbearable 

[dirtvoid]

Nerve pain has finally started to subside - depression is slowly shifting. I’m gearing up to thinking about coming off the codeine which will be unpleasant but I know I can hack it. 

[dirtvoid]

I’m really struggling- I’m 6 months off Duloxatine after 2 and half year slow taper 
 (but did have surgery in September where I took Codeine for 5 week and pregabalin for about 10 days) (off everything for a few weeks now) I’m physically feeling better after my double incision mastectomy nerve pain has lessened but not gone. mobility is still quite limited in arm movement but it’s all healed up nicely.

 

I’m guessing all of this has put me in a wave and I feel pretty hopeless and unable to cope. My mental landscape is brutal and terrifying constant images of su!c!de/self-harm and generally have a compulsion to self-destruct. It’s back in that 10’000 radio station static and screeching and just relentlessly absolutely hating myself and feel like back to my adolescent levels of insecurity and self-loathing. At times there is voice-hearing, and it’s just kinda too much to bear. I have no energy, I keep crying and generally just don’t want to wake up. There is very little pleasure in anything and I’m angry and bitter. Doing basically anything feels impossible. My muscles ache and are stiff and I’m just generally extremely unhappy. 

I just want to be okay and not want die. Nothing I’ve tried is helping at all

I don’t know what to do I’m really tired and hurting. I have no drive to survive this anymore 

[ChessieCat]

1 minute ago, dirtvoid said:

I’m really tired and hurting.

 

During the last 2 years I have experienced pain from an injured back and tiredness totally unrelated to AD withdrawal (background:  I did a careful taper, held when needed during injury/sickeness and have now been off successfully for nearly 1 year).  I have noticed that when I am suffering discomfort/low level background pain or full on pain my mental "strength" is reduced and my thoughts become more negative.  Because of the discomfort/pain my sleep can be affects and then being tired makes it harder to cope.

 

The non drug coping techniques that I have learned from SA really do help.  Understanding the cause and realising/believing that it will pass or at least reduce (remembering that it did in the past) are also part of getting through it.  Recognising that some days are going to be better than others and on the days that I am not coping as well to try to do things/not do things according to that day and trying to "go with the flow" and get through the tougher days.

 

Using the non drug coping techniques does not take the pain or discomfort away but using them helps to not add more stress to my body which can slow the recovery/healing process.

[itiscomplicated]

I'm sorry you're in a rough time.

 

As someone who's also trans, I'd say allow for the possibility that having the surgery has brought up grief for you about the past, and everything you went through to get to where you are now.

 

Hope you've been feeling a bit better since your last post.

[Oaktree1]

On 11/6/2022 at 10:59 PM, dirtvoid said:

g all of this has put me in a wave and I feel pretty hopeless and unable to cope. My mental landscape is brutal and terrifying constant images of su!c!de/self-harm and generally have a compulsion to self-destruct. It’s back in that 10’000 radio station static and screeching and just relentlessly absolutely hating myself and feel like back to my adolescent levels of insecurity and self-loathing

Hi Dirtvoid,

 

I am really sorry that you are suffering like this.  It is awful to feel like that - I know that feeling well.  I hope things have improved a bit but if they have not just wanted to reach out anyway.  I have read that any sort of a surgery is a trauma to the body so perhaps it might have brought up something...I don't know.  I also tapered Cymbalta and it's a tough drug.

 

I hope things get better for you.  

 

Oaktree1

[dirtvoid]

Update 6 months off: 

 

Pretty much unchanged the last few weeks - persistently low in mood, sadness, total despair, apathy, lethargy, anhedonia, fatigue, body pain, muscle weakness, body feels like lead, brain fog, can’t concentrate, irritable, I’m either totally numb or a weepy emotional mess, lack of appetite and no desire to eat, weight loss, very intense visual distortions (visual snow, static, warping, waving, halos) - My sleep is on and off sometimes can barely sleep at all - some times I get the hours in but I never feel even remotely rested. 

 

My most trouble issue is very intense intrusive visual almost like prophetic experiences of suic!de self-harm and other reckless destructive behaviour to the point I don’t know what’s real or not and it’s coupled with just very loud vicious screaming berating voices in my head. It’s all consuming and totally debilitating.  

 

The moment I open my eyes when I wake up I want to die and have am filled with dread and terror, I’m bitter, angry and I hate myself, I feel like I did at 14 and feel really ashamed about it. 

 

I’m not functioning at all, every day takes it all out of me. I have no drive for life. 

 

I’m most upset about my unemployability. I don’t know to live life.  I don’t want to live like this. I just want to feel okay some of the time and not want to die.  

 

I do various coping / self-care stuff (tapping, meditation, prayer, Hebrew flash cards, NA, reaching out to friends, journaling, gratitude) and it doesn’t even touch the side. I have started Somatic Experiencing therapy. 

 

At this point unsure if I’ll make it past the end of the year. 

[RachelSusan]

@dirtvoid Sorry you are suffering so.  It sounds like you have been through may difficult situations in your life.  Please seek help from someone in real life if you truly don't think you will make it past the end of the year.  I don't know you but I do care. I want you to have a good life.

 

I am happy that you were able to get your top surgery. I hope any associated pain is long over.

[dirtvoid]

Last few weeks my mental state continued to deteriorate as spoken about in my last post.

On Sunday I hit breakdown point I took a large overdose of Codeine and Pregabalin as an attempt on my life  

In the hospital I was given 3 doses of Narcan.  

Thankfully my roommate and friend were with me in the hospital and we made a compelling argument during the psych assessment and I was able to get out without being detained under the mental health act. 

I’ve had an outpouring of love/care/compassion/practical support from my IRL mad/psych survivor / Jewish community that has really helped, I feel way better about being alive and feel very loved. 

Other than intense fatigue I am suffering no ill effects from the OD, and mentally I’m doing a lot better - I’m no longer as severely agitated, no longer suicidal, nor hearing voices. Seem to have broken through, but who knows how this will all effect my nervous system recovery. 

[Altostrata]

I am sorry you felt so low, @dirtvoid I am glad you are feeling better.

 

You have so many things going on in your life, though we are sympathetic, we cannot address any element of this as due to withdrawal from psychiatric drugs. It's good you have a circle of support.

[dirtvoid]

So I hit a year off finishing my Duloxatine taper a few weeks ago.

 

It’s hard to know exactly where I’m at because I had big drug relapse in February started off with drinking and quickly escalated to taking lots of codeine, sniffing and shooting up ketamine, mostly sniffing but also smoking small amounts of crystal meth, and taking GHB it was on and off for a few weeks, I stopped when on a road trip in the south west desert, then used LSD once, and using small doses of THC edibles for about 10 days. Then in April - May managed 30 days clean, then relapsed on drink and used ketamine once, took Dexamfetamine for a few days but hated the effect as it reminded me of how I felt during the worst of the my withdrawal when it wore off. Obviously I’ve probably completely screwed up my taper recovery, but I was just struggling so much that I went in self-preservation/destruction mode because I didn’t really care about anything and I was in a hellish living situation with black mould, fleas, 10 people who weren’t sober, no window in my room and just a messy overwhelming environment. I’m out of there now and living alone. 

 

I’m trying to get clean / stay off psych drugs now but mainly struggling emotionally.

 

I’m having far less mystery frightening symptoms.

 

my current pattern is wake up exhausted/fatigued feeling like I’ve been battered - and like there’s lead in my blood. feel overwhelmed and making decisions is really difficult - feel apathetic towards life and completely devoid of motivation but also feel extreme stress and guilt around this. My mood is persistently low - my very usual depression: total hopelessness that anything will get better or life is worth living, poor sleep, irritable, moody, bitter, lethargic/apathetic, little interest in life, constant thinking about wanting to die feeling like a total worthless useless loser/failure of a human, lots of self-loathing. My confidence is really low.
 

However I do feel a bit better when around my friends and doing stuff/engaging in jewish stuff or organising around anti psych stuff, but mostly feel terrible when I’m alone I ever just get blank lay in bed dissociate, or just have intense emotional flooding. I feel 1000x worse when I’m at 12 step meetings. 
 

My stomach is still bad as in painful and sensitive to most food but not as bad as when I was tapering or using, I’m not vomiting / vomiting blood everyday. 

 

There is still muscle weakness /pain / fatigue but not as bad as when tapering - the widespread body pain is persistent though

 

i don’t have the same level of terror as when tapering but it’s more just feeling completely overwhelmed all the time to point I can’t function.

 

I feel somewhat better than when tapering and that I’m at my pre-drugged baseline which unfortunately for me is a very unhappy, traumatised and suffering 14 year old. Nothing is really shifting this deep deep despair and vicious mental noise and overwhelming all compassing pain I’m in. that I’ve lived with most my life. I can’t really see myself becoming functional.. 
 

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

First of all, I want to congratulate you for being 100% psych drug free!  That is a big accomplishment.  

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the drug relapse you had earlier this year.  I imagine that must be contributing to your despair, and your other issues and symptoms.  

I just want to share with you that I, too, was a very unhappy and traumatized person when I was age 13.  The keys for healing for me, are that, no matter what, I will find non drug and non alcohol ways to manage my despair, depression, and anxiety.  And, I was badly abused and traumatized in the early part of my life.  I have had 3 therapists all say they were quite surprised that I did not lose my mind, based on what I went through.  

 

What I'm about to say is only my own opinion.  I personally feel that 12 step groups can be shamed based.  I don't want to offend anyone else on here who find them helpful, I'm only speaking from my own experience.  For me, I had to stay away from them, although they did help me a lot in the 1980's, when I was just starting my recovery.  I personally believe that we can get clean and sober with many types of support, not just 12 step.  

 

I believe there is hope for you, I truly do.  Please do not give up.  The big key for me was developing a very strong faith and spiritual life, and also learning how to manage and cope with all of the emotional pain that was trapped inside me from the abuse and neglect I had growing up.  There are some good resources out there that are very low cost or free for people who have issues such as you describe.  There is a way out of this.  It is not easy, and it can be painful, and very slow and gradual, but I believe that you can find a better life.  

Edited June 5, 2023 by getofflex

[dirtvoid]

On 6/5/2023 at 9:36 PM, getofflex said:

 

 

What I'm about to say is only my own opinion.  I personally feel that 12 step groups can be shamed based.  I don't want to offend anyone else on here who find them helpful, I'm only speaking from my own experience.  For me, I had to stay away from them, although they did help me a lot in the 1980's, when I was just starting my recovery.  I personally believe that we can get clean and sober with many types of support, not just 12 step.  

 

 

thank you so much for your kind message

 

and particularly for voicing your experience with 12 step, I’ve been really conflicted and confused but it’s starting to make sense how I really feel about it,
 

I had a fall out with my sponsor who basically told me my feelings are illogical, get over it get over my trauma, stop being a victim and “feeling sorry for myself” and if I can’t be happy “fake it til I make it” I spiralled further after this, but then spoke to some friends outside of the program and nobody else see’s me as someone whose extremely self-centred with a victim complex. I went to meetings heard more of the same, plus people condescendingly telling me to “keep coming back” in response to me showing intense distress. I then took a break from meetings, stopped calling my sponsor, started reading online accounts of people who have left the program and come the conclusion that after 9 years it’s not working for me and possibly the ideology is also harming me in the same way as psychiatry/psychology has and started to deprogram myself from it. 

 

in the week I’ve been away and actively made a decision to leave - my mental state has suddenly drastically improved - the feeling of being hopelessly trapped that my suicide ideation was based in has gone,

the obsessive thinking around being “bad” has started to ease, the shame and rumination about my past hasn’t been with me. The feeling of urgency and scarcity and self-doubt of my capability to survive life. The fear over not doing enough work on myself has lessened, the feeling of being small and helpless and in need of reassurance hasn’t been there.

 

instead I’ve had much more space to enjoy life, I’ve started working out and eating more protein to build muscle, and this has really improved my mood, motivation helped with my pain and sleep.

Because I’ve had enough of a boost to lift the despair I’ve been able to care about caring for myself in a way I’ve not been able to do for a very long time. Sounds silly but I bought a fancy toothbrush which has cleared up my gum disease which was causing a great deal of pain and I’ve been able to actually brush 2 daily without pain and bleeding. Started my supplements again and the magnesium in particular is having a very noticeable difference on mood and pain - (this what was aided me to go back to the gym)

 

the weather has been sunny and warm on Sunday instead of going to a meeting I went to the seaside and jumped in the ocean - and it made me feel so ALIVE!!!
 

I’ve been able to be much more present and see friends, attend events and get enjoyment out of all the things I’m doing.
 

I also saw a doctor that I’ve been waiting 2 years to see about my chronic pain “fibromyalgia” and I can’t be referred to treatment because I’ve moved, he scolded me for being late. I was completely unphased by this, when usually this stuff massively sets me off. 
 

I also have that glow of just getting out of a depression, that is the best feeling in the world, where the simple things bring joy because I can feel something other than numbness and despair. 

 

Starting the feel the very real possibility of a liveable life without psych drugs! 
 

 

[manymoretodays]

Good to read dirtvoid.  Your post above.

And just going to put a link to topic:  Twelve-step Recovery and Surviving Antidepressants

In case anyone wants to post there.  The topic has gone quiet, for quite some time.

 

I still get a lot out of my 12 step groups, and wish your sponsor had known better.

It's so clear in the Traditions, and Steps, and so much of the other literature.........just how to do it all.

 

And sometimes, it's hard to remember it all, or keep practicing in meetings, or with sponsees, or in the world at large.......just how to do it all right, all the time.  Sponsors shouldn't take on a therapy role, or hey I'm gonna guilt you into sobriety.  Some members of some 12 step groups do not  "get WD, and/or tapering" or basic loving kindness.  I just stay put and live and learn in my now couple of 12 step based groups, and work it, all the time.   Roll with it all.  

 

Very grateful, as it sure does help keep me from my favorite non-drug coping, which is often isolation........keeps me connected in other words.  And I need that.  I live alone, in my home, in a wonderful neighborhood, and with my cat.  Yet I benefit greatly from all of what is offered......Idk.  I don't claim to know much.  The ideology does not have to harm.  My groups are my practicing the principles main arena and learning how to deflect what isn't helpful.  And over time, and perseverance I've made and feel so close to some of my friends(and my sponsor's), or anyone I might meet at a 12 step meeting, anywhere.  And I would not give that up for anything.  Like I say, I've had to persevere through a lot......and it all has mattered and changed me in a good way.

 

I mean, even here......it's tough when we have to redirect someone to another site, as it or if it becomes clear that they are not here to taper or deal with WD.......and are still in that place of exploration really.  It's like we have a tradition, here at surviving as to what OUR focus is, and why.  I mean it's written too, it often just takes folks awhile to find there way around and all.

 

@dirtvoid  Oh my gosh.  Huge congratulations on this:  May 18th 2022 - 0 Beads (0.00mg) - 100% PSYCH DRUG FREE!

 

Maybe sad......maybe not sad........a different sobriety though than that in AA, for many reasons, made clear in all the literature.

 

Would you like a recovery symbol now?  It's the sunshine symbol that we place that indicates you are now in a good place in your recovery.  It might draw more attention to your topic and questions, and some don't always want it quite yet.......that is the reason I ask, as I have been premature with that symbol before.  That's me......live and learn.

 

I'm sure here a lot today for someone on break......oh well, I'm in a good place today, inside and in peace and loving kindness.

 

Congratulations to you, on the other end of tapering your psychiatric drugs!!!!  Woohoo.  Cake, applause.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

 

[redkite]

HI dirtvoid.

 I reckon you've turned a corner and although partying mentally like you did is not a great idea it may have flushed out some **** you vibes that you no longer want. Its not surprising you became so down you tried to hurt yourself after a bender like that!! I used to be a big raver back in the day and it takes its toll! You will find your own way and be stronger and more resilient then ever before  I reckon. Keep on moving forward and be kind to yourself, please. Trust in your judgment and you will be ok. Take care

Redkite

[getofflex]

23 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

I had a fall out with my sponsor who basically told me my feelings are illogical, get over it get over my trauma, stop being a victim and “feeling sorry for myself” and if I can’t be happy “fake it til I make it”

Ugghhh.  I'm so sorry.  If that were said to me, I would feel invalidated and shamed. Are you aware that there are some very good online support groups for persons with trauma?  Here are two: 

 

Out of the Storm for Survivors of CPTSD

 

Help for Victims of Child Abuse

 

However, SA does suggest that we wait until we are not in the throes of WD to work on our trauma.  

 

23 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

Because I’ve had enough of a boost to lift the despair I’ve been able to care about caring for myself in a way I’ve not been able to do for a very long time.

That's wonderful!  I'm so glad, and you sound much better in your latest post than you did in your previous one.  You are doing some great things to take care of yourself!  🙌

 

23 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

the weather has been sunny and warm on Sunday instead of going to a meeting I went to the seaside and jumped in the ocean - and it made me feel so ALIVE!!!
 

I’ve been able to be much more present and see friends, attend events and get enjoyment out of all the things I’m doing.

That's beautiful, it makes me happy to hear this!  

 

23 hours ago, dirtvoid said:

Starting the feel the very real possibility of a liveable life without psych drugs! 

Yes!  That is what we are all about.  There is life that is worth living after psych meds.  I still have my bad days, where I feel very pessimistic, but then I also have the good days where I'm able to enjoy life without the drugs.  

Edited June 14, 2023 by getofflex