Londoner: any help would be much appreciated

[Rosetta]

Hi, Londoner!  Hope you are doing ok.

 

—Rosetta🧚🏻‍♀️

[Londoner]

Thanks so much Rosetta 🙏 I'm really just trying to hang in there. Doing my best to keep a journal and diary of how I'm feeling and trying to keep on top of negative thoughts. It's so easy for me to spiral. Gratitude lists have also been helping me somewhat. I just need to get through the days.

Sending much love your way. I hope you are doing ok?

[Rosetta]

I’m fine, thank you.  The gratitude lists are very useful.  That’s a good idea.  
 

-Rosetta

[Londoner]

Does anyone know of a withdrawal support group over zoom?

[Erell]

Hello Londoner,

 

I think it has been discussed here :

 

 

 

 

Perhaps you'll want to ask if a support group exists in London :

 

-great-britain-members-please-check-in-here/

 

 

 

I send you all my support  ☀️

 

[Erell]

Hello @Londoner

 

Hope you're doing ok ☀️

 

You might be interested by this info from Altostrata : 

 

 

 

[Londoner]

Thanks so much for pointing me towards that thread @Erell

[Rosetta]

Hi Londoner,

 

I hope you are doing all right today.

 

Rosetta

[Londoner]

Hi @Rosetta, thanks so much for checking in on me. I'm still alive and marching on. Today is the 8 month free mark!! I'm so proud of myself for making it this far. Even though every day is difficult, I often get few hour windows where the symptoms are less intense. I am very grateful for these. Most of all I know I am on the right track. I have come so far already and I just need to keep going day to day. Still trying my best to keep on top of my anxious thoughts about what hellish symptoms are in store for me the coming months.

How are you doing?

[Londoner]

Having a really tough time the last few days with the restlessness and suicidal thoughts. Does anyone else get very intense suicidal thoughts? I'm unable to watch tv at the moment and it's driving me mad. It's so hard to find distractions apart from tv when I'm so debilitated. 

Any words of encouragement would be so very appreciated xx

[Pawlove]

@Londoner, I am so sorry you are suffering so. I can't imagine how hard this must be but you have been so strong. It may not feel that way to you but the fact that you are posting and taking it one minute at a time shows you are stronger than you ever knew. When I did a CT with paxil I wanted to die, had wild and crazy ideas about hiring someone to kill me, thought about throwing myself into the lake off a boat... was disappointed that my head MRI didn't show a big brain tumor. But I kept going and thank God- not to mention the pain it would've caused my family, I would've missed the best time I have had in my life in so many decades. I am very very slowly tapering paxil now and there are some rough sxs but I am starting to come out of that fog and pain and have had 2 awesome days. Even with the sxs that are hard life quality is so good. I look back- I was not on a forum when I did the CT and had no idea that it wasn't the real me. You can know this is the drugs talking. It is not how you will be when you heal. Please know- it gets better and then it can even get to be awesome! I'm praying for you. This blasted drug will not defeat you!!! 

[Londoner]

Thanks @Pawlove, it's so incredibly difficult not knowing what symptom I'm going to get next. Feeling like I cannot make it through the day. I am doing my best to distract and focus on positives and gratitude and the belief that one day I will be my self again. I just pray to God I can get through this alive. I'm so desperate to experience life on the other side and not ever to have to think of these awful drugs again. I suspect though that that is a long way off and trying to find the strength to make it to the next day is so difficult. I'm reading success stories over and over again. Wish I could think of some more things to distract myself to pass the time. So many things I can't seem to do. The only thing I can seem to think about is withdrawal.

[Erell]

41 minutes ago, Londoner said:

 So many things I can't seem to do. The only thing I can seem to think about is withdrawal.

That's normal Londoner, really.

We have days where the only thing we can do is read Success Stories over and over and hang on to the words of those ahead us.

 

I remember when I first come on SA during my initial crash, a member named Rhiannon told me that all I had to do was staying alive, that's my biggest job, no matter if it meant reading the same Success Story all day.

 

I understand well how long the day can be when we just take it minute by minute. Here is some of the things I do when things get really hard and I struggle to distract :

 

- if Suicidal thoughts get intense, I watch pictures of myself as a baby.

I look at this smiling baby and somehow it gives me a bit more strenght, I want to offer to this baby a bright life.

 

- I've watched a ton of make up tutorials on youtube. I don't use make up, I'm not even interested in make up. But in those videos there is nothing triggering for me. And sometimes it distracts me, even if it's only for a few minutes, I'll take it.

Perhaps you might find a type of videos that are not triggering for you.

 

- are you able to use your body, to focus a bit on an activity ?

I found that using my hands often helps to distract. I've done a lot of repetitive origami.

Do you have a garden ?

If you feel able to, physically, I find that using my hands in the garden helps.

 

- It doesn't have to be your hands, perhaps you'll want to use your body : I've read a few people who dance to relieve some of their restlessness.

 

- not trying to focus like I used to. When restlessness is too intense, I change my activity every 5 minutes, I can't engage more than that.

It's ok, change your activity every minute if you have to.

 

- Again, if you feel able to do it physically, even a little, I find that cleaning helps to distract. Never had such a clean bathroom before WD !

 

And yes, do read Success Stories everyday if it helps you : we all do this to remember that all this is only temporary.

 

Big hugs ❤

 

[Londoner]

Thanks so much for those tips Erell. They're really great! I'm certainly going to try some of them. Cleaning certainly appeals and my mum would be happy about it! I'll let you know how they go.

[Rosetta]

I’m doing all right, Londoner.  I like Erell’s idea — I used to watch cake decorating videos.  There are some that are compilations of many different cakes, one after another.  They aren’t teaching cake decorating.  It’s not hard to pay attention to.  It’s swirls of color, time-lapsed, and the editing is impressive.  On the other hand, it’s so fast paced that it might not be the best thing.  Something slow moving and calming might be better.

 

A walking meditation is a good idea, too.  Hatha flow yoga — moving meditation style is, also.  
 

I found reading very difficult, but I did it.  I read the same paragraph over and over and over.  It was that hard to pay attention.  Books are a bit of a mind field as you never know what might happen.  Book for 3rd or 4th graders are good.

[Londoner]

Glad you're doing ok @Rosetta and thanks so much for those tips. I will try them in the next couple of days. 

I've had another brutal day and very much feeling like I've damaged myself far too much to ever heal. I feel like I have cerebral palsy today plus all of the mental symptoms and restlessness. The symptoms are so horrifying. I'm off to read that beautiful post you wrote on your thread to me about suicide and not giving up. Thank you for writing it.

[Londoner]

If anyone has experience of waves of mental akathisia and has managed to survive them, I'd love to hear any advice you might have or indeed just some hope that these waves will lessen in time. It is the mental akathisia that has returned the last few days that is causing the suicidality. I honestly have found no real ways to cope with it. Thankfully so far it hasn't been coupled with so much panic and thus I haven't called emergency services. I am grateful for that. Still, mental akathisia has got to be the most brutal of symptoms. I hate it so much. All I can do is cling on by my finger tips and hope to god that I never actually follow through on the the SI. I find distracting from it incredibly difficult/even distraction doesn't make me remotely comfortable.

Is clinging on basically the only strategy there is?

[Rosetta]

You can try hot showers, cold showers, hot baths and ice packs.  
 

Yes, it’s hell.  I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  It will resolve.  I know that’s hard to believe.
 

Maybe later you can describe what you feel is evidence of cerebral palsy? Are your limbs curling up — the muscles in your arms pulling your hand inward?

 

 

[Londoner]

Thanks so much @Rosetta. 

When the mental aka lessens and I'm actually able to think about it from a distance, I'm amazed that akathisia has managed to bypass the medical community and public. I would be pretty happy to argue that it counts as 'The worst feeling in the world'. Surely that would make a good headline. Why on earth haven't I ever seen anything about it in the papers or indeed anywhere else? The lack of awareness about this symptom is such a disgrace. You hear a lot of psychiatrists explaining the suicide risk of SSRIs as being a result of increasing the energy and motivation of an already deeply suicidal person. That is utter BS. The incidence of suicide on SSRI is surely a result of akathisia. A feeling only caused by drugs. A feeling that doesn't compare to the worst negative feelings I have ever had prior to taking meds. Those poor souls who experience it not knowing it is a drug effect and go on to take their own life are then further dishonoured when their death is portrayed as a consequence of mental illness. Right now I don't feel confident in my ability to survive withdrawal but if I do, I have promised myself that I will add my voice to those brave people who are speaking out about akathisia. 

 

In terms of the cerebral palsy type symptoms, it seems to have accompanied the last two bouts of mental aka. When walking, I'm hunched over, not quite on tip toes but somewhat, hooked hands. It's very strange.

It has scared me but I have read about others who have had it, including Baylissa. Given it's only accompanied the mental aka so far, I am more preoccupied with the aka at the time.

[Rosetta]

Yes, the muscles of my forearms would shorten causing both of my wrists to bend toward the inside of my elbows when I had mental aka.  My calves would shorten, too.  There might be a lack of magnesium going on.  Taking magnesium may help.  At times, it seems that the nervous system isn’t sending the right signals, and we don’t know why.  However, it’s true that what you are experiencing emotionally is much more distressing than the physical.

 

The truth is that it is all physical.  There is a physiological reason for what is happening.  Unfortunately, your brain is trying to make sense of it all, and the hormones you are producing is telling your brain that you are in grave danger.  You know that you are not because of SA, thank goodness.

 

When you are feeling better, be sure to stretch your arms and legs.  You may not notice, but they are frequently tight, and they get tighter during aka.  It’s possible that stretching them at times will help a bit.  I’m sure you have heard of “holding tension”, tension headaches, etc.  It’s similar.  We are so upset or tired or demotivated that we let our muscles get tight and atrophied.  This causes further physical discomfort.

 

You may not be able to do half Or even a quarter of the things that are “good for you” while it PWS.  That’s just the way it is.  Don’t judge yourself, but when you do have the energy, take a little time to make doing those things easier and do them.  
 

Over time, you will become more capable.  Baby steps.  Meanwhile, when you have the energy,
1. Epsom Salts baths!!

 2. Make some magnesium oil to rub into your muscles.  You can make this from Epsom salts or from magnesium chloride flakes.  Recipes are on the internet.

3. Get a shoulder wrap that you can put in the microwave.

Rosetta

 

[Londoner]

Thanks so much for all of that great advice. I'm so sorry you also had to go through this but thank you for telling me about the postures you had while it was happening. It sounds exactly like what I'm experiencing. It gives me so much hope that you were able to survive it and that it lessened over time.

I hope you don't mind me asking but during that period of your withdrawal recovery, did you feel totally out of control/non functioning? I've been very ill in tolerance withdrawal and since I came off the meds with lots of different symptoms. However, I've never felt like such a nutcase as I have the last couple of months. During this time I can't even pretend to be semi normal for very short periods of time and my functioning is absolutely rock bottom. I've become obsessed with withdrawal and can speak or focus on little else. It has all made me feel so separate from everyone. Like I'm totally alone.

I stopped taking the magnesium/epsom salt baths a few weeks ago because I thought I might be sensitive to it. It's so hard to tell what is causing what when my symptoms come and go so rapidly and seemingly without a significant pattern. I am still keeping detailed daily notes which has been helpful. I'll try and epsom salt bath tomorrow with only a small amount of salts to see how I go.

My mum has asked if she can film me when I'm in a severe aka wave and I've agreed. She says the torment is very obvious. I'm going to show it to my psychiatrist in the hope that he will think twice in future about speedily taking someone off long term meds. 

[Londoner]

I'm sorry I keep coming back and lamenting but I feel like a total failure today. Following yesterday's wave of extreme aka with cerebral palsy, I had a small window in the evening. This morning I went straight back to extreme suicidal thoughts and moderate aka (no cerebral palsy). The SI thoughts were very intense and seem to revolve around jumping under a train. It has lessened 30 mins ago to being more bearable but has left me with a deep sense that this is just not doable for me. I've been reading through Rosetta's thread and seeing how tough a time she had in the latter half of the first year. It gives me hope that she got through it and came out the other side but with my brain as it is, I just don't think it's possible for me. I don't have a child but I do deeply fear the devastation to my mum if I were to act on my SI.

I wish so many things were different. I wish I had the strength.

[Rosetta]

Oh, I was not functional.  At some point, I accepted it.  I mean, I had to rationalize that acceptance .  I had to say to myself, “If you had a brain injury from a car accident, you would not beat yourself up about being incapacitated.  I had to re-accept it over and over again because I kept giving myself deadline to get to together.  So, this is no different than a physical brain injury— except that you will heal completely, thank God.”  In the interim, that fact has no bearing on how incapacitated you are right now.  Your brain will not let you function, and you do not need to feel guilty about that.  Your self-worth is not impacted by that, in reality.  If you broke both your legs or were temporarily blind or deaf there would be no judgement.  Well, this is worse — you can’t fix it with a wheel chair or use a guide dog or  anything like that.  Your brain is randomly signaling all manner of things that have no basis in the reality outside your body.  Yes, it’s very lonely.
 

The SI was awful.  You have to avoid places and activities that come up in your unwanted thoughts.  You can’t take the train, obviously, unless someone is with you.  By the way, you are not likely to do “it” just because you had that thought, you know.  I came to understand that after a while.  You will have a lot of ridiculous thoughts, random, bizarre, silly, etc., that you don’t notice very much because they aren’t disturbing.  You won’t seriously consider doing those things.  They just pass by.  The scary thoughts upset us, and we start to worry about acting on them because they are disturbing.  The dangerous thoughts are the impulsive ones that happen when we are in a place where we could act them, such as the train one.  So, you don’t go there alone.

 

You are stronger than you think you are.  You will see.  Your innate self-preservation instinct is still there.  Yes, your mum would be devastated, and there would be absolutely no reason for you to do that because this isn’t permanent.  What a waste that would be — a waste of all the suffering you have endured thus far, a waste of everything your mother has put into your life thus far, and a waste of all you have done and will yet do.  Your mother would always blame herself, too.  She could have done more, she could have been there at that moment, she could have spent more money, she could have this or that.  It’s a mom thing, and you can’t quite grasp that mindset when you don’t yet have a child, but we expect the impossible out of ourselves.  So, don’t expect the impossible out of yourself — don’t let some misguided belief that you should be able to control your own brain right now cause you stress and then let that stress drive you to do the one thing your mom would be left to live with as her ultimate failure.  Just accept her help, her love, and her grace right now, and give her the only thing she wants and needs — your continued existence.  When you get better, you will be glad that you did. 
 

Remember this, too: you don’t have to be strong enough to be normal.  You don’t have to be strong enough to function.  You just have to be strong enough to let these waves of aka pass by without doing anything “rash.”  You can go without a shower for two weeks and let your mom cook every meal for a month and wear dirty clothes.  You just have to eat, drink enough water, take a walk, sit in the sunshine, and practice good sleep hygiene —  the absolute bare minimum for survival with post-acute withdrawal syndrome.  That is a successful day for PWS.  When you have a window, try to shower and cook or get some flowers for your mom and do something for yourself like paint.   If all you can do is tell her thank you and paint, so be it.  This is not a race.  Just exist — that is your only obligation.

 

You can do this.  Someday, you will look back and be amazed that you could, but also very glad you believed in yourself enough to just exist.

 

Rosetta
 

 

[Londoner]

@Rosetta you write the most beautiful posts and I'm so grateful that you write to me.

I had another horrendous day. Deeply suicidal akathisia this morning. I feel a deep hopelessness during this wave. During the peak this morning I thought it was inevitable that I would need to walk to the tube station to finish it. I wrote a final note to my mum. Whilst still in the wave, I told my mum what was happening and what I felt I was going to do. She comforted me until the peak passed 2 hours later. I read her your post and she agreed how lucky I was to have your support.

Thankfully, I am still alive today. Although the level of hopelessness and SI I am feeling in this wave is so shocking a big part of me can't imagine that I will get through this. Outside of my windows I spend the day counting the hours. I guess a lot of people have to do that in withdrawal. I have bought an origami kit and a games console to see if they will help distract me.

I hope I can get through this wave and that one day this extreme akathisia will leave me .

[Erell]

11 minutes ago, Londoner said:

 

I hope I can get through this wave and that one day this extreme akathisia will leave me .

This is certain : symptoms don't stay extreme like this forever. This intensity of akathisia won't stay forever. It will fade and leave you.

 

Even people who say they have some residual issues later say that it has nothing to do with early withdrawal.

 

Symptoms do fade. They really do.

 

You are in the first months, the most difficult. But please remember this level is only temporary. 

 

You mentionned once that you found comfort in Baylissa's writings.

Perhaps you could "build a safety box " in which you would put the writings that comfort you, pictures you like, your favorite Success Stories, a letter you would have written to yourself while feeling calmer,...

Anything that helps you to surf the wave until it subsides. Because it always does ❤

Edited May 23, 2021 by Erell

[Londoner]

Thanks @Erell, that means so much to me. I've noticed that quite a few people who did CT or FT say that they got slammed several months in to their withdrawal and that it eventually eased up and morphed into difficult but more bearable symptoms. I cling to the hope that it will happen for me too.

[mva96]

Hi Londoner, i've unfortunately been returned to the wonderful land of akathisia so am right there with you. It really is tough. I've found it to be more of a restless agitated rage almost bordering on hypomania this time around. Trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. Hope you're doing ok (or as ok as is possible)

[Londoner]

Hi @mva96, thanks so much for stopping by. I'm so sorry to hear you are also experiencing this most awful of symptoms. I really hope it passes for you soon. Are you getting the suicidal ideation type? This is my biggest concern right now. A new wave just started for me and the SI is unimaginable. I just hope I find a way not to act on it.

I see you're in London too! 

[Rosetta]

((Londoner)) You are lucky to have a mum like her.  I’m so glad you were able to talk to her about this and get support.  
 

This period of time when aka is so bad is brief overall, and you will get a lot of breaks.  That is why people survive.  When you are in an attack of aka it will feel all encompassing, never ending , and impossible.  Knowing that the intensity of these attacks will lessen (and they will eventually go away) and that aka will come and go, rather than being constant, will help immensely.  Hold on to those facts, and they ARE facts.

[Londoner]

Thanks @Rosetta

Yes, I really am lucky. I love her more than anything and it breaks my heart how much of a burden I have become on her. The fact is that I am almost totally reliant on her to prevent me committing suicide in a wave. The pressure on her is huge and devastating. I do everything. I can to try and remind myself during waves that I really don't want to die but the aka is so all encompassing. My room is covered in reassuring notes and positive affirmations, I have daily reminders on my phone, I listen to Baylissa and read encouraging words in my journal but they don't seem to cut through at all when I'm in the midst of it. I've never known any thing like it. 

Thank you for your reassuring words. I think I'm in for a tough week. My period has started and I think I'm in the midst of my 8 month wave. Thankfully I do get breaks from it but the waves are oh so terrifying.

I've been reading through your thread again. You're such an inspiration!

[mva96]

Hey @Londoneryeah the SI is a very frequent visitor for me these days. The pain of akathisia is excruciating, do you find you have a sort of clamped up stomach/chest area? i find this is where alot of the pain sits for me and it makes me want to writhe. 

 

I've found video games very useful, i dont know if thats something you do/could look into? I can almost leave my body and enter the game, the pain of it all is still there, but its harder to notice and i can just bounce my legs like a madman to release some of it.

 

Hang in there, we will get through this, eventually!!!

[Londoner]

Yes, a lot of it builds in my chest. It's also accompanied by burning arms for me.

I have literally just bought a Nintendo switch. Something I would never usually be interested in but I'm hoping it can distract me somewhat. It will arrive in a few days and I'm really hoping it helps at least a little.

[Rosetta]

While you wait for your Nintendo, try prodigy - an online math game.  It’s free.  Choose 4th or 5th grade.  You will be doing a lot of multiplication, division, addition and subtraction.  It will help your brain re-wire.  We use an iPad.

It’s a cute game, too.  The membership is only about 9 dollars a month if you get bored and want to do more with the game.  You will be a wizard at a wizard university.  Everything is cute and child-like.  Nothing scary.  The only place you shouldn’t go is “the Arena” where you would be playing against real kids.  Everywhere else, you play against virtual creatures and virtual wizards.  You don’t have to engage with any real people or kids at all.  
 

It’s very safe for kids, too.  They cannot really chat with each other.   If the kids try to talk to each other, there is a drop down menu of things they can say to each other.  It’s very limited, like “Hi,“ “How are you,” “Cool place,” that sort of thing.  It’s so limited that very few kids even try to chat.  If anyone tries to talk to you, just ignore them.  

 

My daughter wanted to play this because her teacher showed it to her, and I have found it very engaging.  Parents are encouraged to get their own accounts, and play with the kids.  So, I did, and I think it would have been really good for my brain when I was very sick.  You have to turn it off about 2 hours before bedtime to protect sleep.

[Londoner]

Thanks so much for that recommendation @Rosetta. I've just signed up. I used to love maths and I played a game called Elevate Brain training on my phone when I was in deep tolerance withdrawal. It reassured me that even though my brain felt like mush, I was still able to find the answers from somewhere. Hard to know how I'll find problem solving when in the midst of angst but it's worth a shot.

 

My mood is a bit better today. Anxiety is still very high and I woke many times in the night but I am grateful I am not feeling what I felt yesterday morning. The most recent waves of aka have been very heavy on the SI and less so on the blind panic like last time. The difficulty with that is that last time when I was in an horrendous wave, I would panic and call emergency services. Waiting for them gave me the time for the wave to lessen. However, these recent waves of aka have included significant SI, like last time, but along with many thoughts and justifications for why my life is not worth living and how I cannot go on experiencing the pain. I think these added 'rationalisations' were what brought me to writing a suicide note as opposed to calling emergency services.

 

Ever since those first waves of aka in March I have been trying to put things in place to keep myself safe. It has proven very difficult because when I'm in the aka mind frame, very little seems to permeate it. I am hoping that the fact my mum is here and knows what is happening is the key buffer against me acting during those waves. However, I have also been drafting an 'Advanced Directive' in case of hospitalisation during aka. My understanding is that once these are signed, witnessed and placed on my medical notes, they are legally binding and although not a guarantee, it would be less likely a doctor would go against my wishes if I were hospitalised.

Obviously my hope is that I will never have to be hospitalised and that I can be kept safe at home. I've never been in a mental hospital as a patient but I have seen a couple as part of work I used to do and they look horrific on the whole.

 

I'm going to paste the body of my Advance Directive draft below and if anyone has got any thoughts on it or any suggested changes, please do let me know. Also, if anyone has any experience with mental health Advance Directives in the UK, I'd love to hear from you.

 

'In March 2021 I experienced extreme suicidal akathisia as a symptom of protracted antidepressant withdrawal. I therefore wish to clarify my treatment preferences should this symptom or any other overwhelming symptom emerge in the future. This is particularly the case if I am hospitalised.

 

What happens when I have akathisia

When I experience akathisia, I am in an immense amount of pain and I feel an intense inner restlessness where I cannot bear to be inside my own skin. These feelings are often accompanied by panic. When I am in a wave, I have a fervent desire and obsession with making the pain stop as well as intense suicidal thoughts and impulses as a means of ending the pain. It is very difficult for me to think clearly when I am experiencing akathisia because the pain is so intense, but once I am out of a wave, I am no longer suicidal and desperately want to survive. My akathisia attacks last between 3-12 hours after which the intensity of symptoms gradually declines. However, I may then experience another wave hours later and/or several attacks over the following days. The intensity and incidence of my symptoms dissipates over a few weeks.
 

What helps
What helps me when I am experiencing a wave of akathisia is to be monitored to ensure I do not hurt herself. It can also help to talk to me so that I am somewhat distracted. It helps to reassure me that the pain will end and that what I am experiencing is just a result of my body healing after being on long term antidepressant medication. It may also help to reassure me that I have experienced these attacks before and survived and gone on to feel better. Sometimes during akathisia, I will need to pace up and down and other times I will need to lie down. It helps if I can be somewhere that is relatively quiet and not overstimulating.

What makes it worse (very important)

When I am experiencing akathisia, I am often desperate to be given a medication that will take away the pain. This is understandable given the intensity of my symptoms, however, all medications risk worsening the akathisia. This certainly includes all psychiatric medications but also antibiotics and anti-nausea drugs as well as many others. Giving medication to me, particularly at normal therapeutic doses, should be approached with great caution because so many medications can make my symptoms even worse and put my life in danger. Psychiatric medications such as antidepressants, antipsychotics and benzodiazepines, should be avoided at all costs.

 

I have at times, when the symptoms are very severe, taken a beta blocker and an antihistimine. These only have limited effectiveness but may be helpful in small doses for short periods of time.

Monitoring and reassuring me and allowing for the passage of time are the best ways of supporting me when I am experiencing akathisia.

 

 

Food sensitivities

In case of hospitalisation it is also important to note that, since I’ve been in antidepressant withdrawal, I am very sensitive to certain foods and drinks. Processed foods, caffeine and refined sugar exacerbate my symptoms. If hospitalised, it is important I have access to plain whole foods such as porridge, fruit, chicken and vegetables.

 

Summary

For clarity, it is my express wish that

-      If I am very suicidal and I cannot be kept safe at home that I am hospitalised       and monitored to ensure I do not take my life

-      That I am not offered or given any psychiatric medication

-      That I am not offered or administered electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)

-      In the unlikely event that antibiotics are an essential treatment, that efforts are made to prescribe one with the lowest risk of side effects following a culture. Broad spectrum antibiotics and all Fluoroquinolones are high risk and should be avoided.

 

The directives above hold even in cases where it is perceived that my life is in danger as a result of suicidal ideation/impulses. 

 

 

[Londoner]

I also keep getting a lot of thoughts about how I'm not going to heal because of my drug history and all of the mistakes I've made. I have constant thoughts of regret. They really add up to making me feel incredibly hopeless and suicidal.

[Rosetta]

You will heal.  It doesn’t matter how long you took the drugs or how many different drugs.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1160-how-psychiatric-drugs-remodel-your-brain/

This will explain what the drugs did to you and how you will recover.