Chels: 23 weeks pregnant and struggling

[Chels]

Hi Everyone, 

 

    I’m hoping some of you could help me out on what my next steps should be since I’m 23 weeks pregnant and now very scared of what the next months and years hold for me. Here’s my history.

 

When I was 16 (2006) I went on Zoloft due to break up with a boyfriend I could literally scream now that my psychiatrist kept me on the drug all these years I’m 31 now. Over the years I upped the the dose to 100mgs of Zoloft and stayed there for the most part in December of 2018 my mental health started declining and I developed severe ocd symptoms I was so scared we tried to up the dose of Zoloft to 150 but my body couldn’t handle it and I don’t know why? (Well now I do) I was given klonopin to combat the anxiety of the ocd and took like 1.5mg of klonopin for a month before I cold turkeyed it since doctors think if you only been on it four weeks it’s fine.

 

Went through benzo withdrawal for about a month and half of suffering, but then I found you guys which led me down a different path I never made an account I just observed what other peoples stories were I decided right then I would start tapering the Zoloft as well because I figured the meds were making me worse, I don’t know why at the time but I probably made the mistake of adding 10mg of Prozac to my 100mg of Zoloft to taper off of. I was still very much lisenting to my psychiatrist but luckily I was able to stablize fairly quickly on that and continue with my taper of Zoloft at first I tapered a little fast cutting the dose in 12.5mgs but would hold the next dose long until I cut again, by the time I got to 37.5mg I started cutting 10% each two weeks or sometimes would hold for a month depending on how I felt my taper was going beautifully I felt good, I suffered from the occasional fatigue and depressed feelings but nothing I couldn’t handle, fast forward a year and a half later to this summer July of 2020 I found out I was pregnant but I got this severe case of morning sickness where I would vomit 20 times a day and couldn’t keep down anything, I was on 8 or 9 mgs of Zoloft and 4mgs of Prozac liquids by that time but I had to discontinue it because I literally could not keep it down, I felt okay for two months until the pregnancy hormones started kicking in and i felt a little down, that’s when all hell broke lose, my ob suggested to start the Zoloft again at 12.5mgs and I guess I felt so baby brained that I complied, biggest mistake ever I took one pill and completely had an adverse reaction.

 

Panic, fear, severe anxiety, pacing. That lasted for about 5 days and just when I was leveling out my family and husband were really pushing me to start medication again I felt entirely forced because they are telling me I need help and I’m pregnant and I can’t be like this that’s when my psychiatrist suggested I start .5mg liquid of lexapro I was on that for 6 days and then became completely suicidal.

 

It was the scariest thing of my life I went off it and tried to heal myself but I kept getting worse and worse the fear, panic, doom and suffering was UNBEARABLE the suicidal thoughts my family was getting so worried and so pressuring, I tried to tell them multiple times about antidepressant withdrawal and I think this is the drugs and they ALL shut me down and was trying to force me back onto medication I just felt like I was a caged animal up against the wall I didn’t know what to do because I love my family but I knew in my heart what this was, then two weeks after the lexapro I was admitted to hospital for cutting my wrist (something I’ve never done before) and they started me on 5mg of Prozac I took that for a week then forced to up to 10mg for a week and I was on my 15mgs for 3 days when I finally said enough is enough to my family and that medication isn’t helping, it’s making me worse, I told them I wouldn’t take it and they admitted me to psych hospital involuntary which probably saved my life because the psychiatrist there actually heard me and agreed this was withdrawal and he even knew that reinstatement does more harm than good at higher doses he told my family and husband which put them in shock and guilt.

 

He took me off the Prozac, but now I’m just really scared I feel waves and windows throughout the day I’m pregnant and I’m so scared I wanted to enjoy my first pregnancy so bad and this has been a huge mess, I do feel a little better having my husbands support now but I still feel extreme anxiety I’m taking magnesium glycinate to calm down and vitamin c in the morning for the cortisol surges I’m doing acupuncture but I have yet to figure out if that’s revving up my symptoms. I’m so so scared I’m not going to be able to be the mother I wanted to be. I don’t know if there’s anything else I can do or if anyone has any suggestions. I feel so depressed and doomed everyday I feel severe suicidal thoughts and sometimes urges. It’s all very scary.  Thank you so much for taking the time reading this 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Altostrata
added paragraph breaks

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, Chels.  I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.  Thank you for completing your signature.

 

If you are really feeling suicidal, you need to seek out local help, and speak to someone trained in dealing with this.  See:  For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

It was very fortunate the doctors recognized you were experiencing withdrawal and also adverse reactions.  It's very good you now have your husband's support.  You will heal.  This is not forever.  I suggest you read some of the Success Stories in our main forum page.  They are very encouraging.  You will pull out of this.

 

Regarding the acupuncture, it's important that you tell the acupuncturist that you want only sedating points worked on, not activating points.

 

In addition to the magnesium, we also recommend omegas.  Many members find them calming.

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. Get supplements that ae single ingredient (not mixed with other types of supplements).

 

So that you have a better idea of what you're experiencing, here is some information on withdrawal and the healing process.  The symptoms of an adverse reaction are very similar to those of withdrawal.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

These explain the healing process really well.

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chels]

Hi Gridley,

   Thank you for replying to me I appreciate your time. I am seeing a therapist multiple times a week now, but getting through the day is quite tough. I really wish I never felt the pressures from my family to keep reinstating medicine but I feel very grateful for going to that psych hospital and meeting that psychiatrist who ultimately confirmed what I already knew. I wish I could seek some relief somehow and I’m also really scared I was on 5mgs of Prozac for one week, 10mgs another and 15mgs for three days and I’m sure that’s still exiting my body, I’m afraid to give birth and still not be well and then have all the stress of being a mother ontop of that. Thank you again for replying

[Chels]

Also do you think I have a better chance at this because even though I jumped from my taper too soon, I was still tapering down from lower doses? Or did I just completely screw everything up with adding all those medicines for a short period of time? I know you can’t possibly know what my road looks like but just from seeing and gathering information from others who went down a similar path as me. I wish I never got so sick in my pregnancy and had to discontinue my taper I feel like I messed up so badly.

[Gridley]

35 minutes ago, Chels said:

I’m also really scared I was on 5mgs of Prozac for one week, 10mgs another and 15mgs for three days and I’m sure that’s still exiting my body,

You will get better.  It will take some time, but you will heal. And congratulations on your baby.

 

 

Edited November 12, 2020 by Gridley

[Gridley]

31 minutes ago, Chels said:

 

Also do you think I have a better chance at this because even though I jumped from my taper too soon, I was still tapering down from lower doses? Or did I just completely screw everything up with adding all those medicines for a short period of time? I know you can’t possibly know what my road looks like but just from seeing and gathering information from others who went down a similar path as me. I wish I never got so sick in my pregnancy and had to discontinue my taper I feel like I messed up so badly.

 

 

You didn't mess up.  You were on the drugs you mention for a very short time, not long enough for dependency, and since you were having an adverse reaction you did exactly the right thing to stop.  Please don't blame yourself.  You did fine.  Everyone on this forum has made mistakes (I know I have) and the important thing now is to move on toward healing.  You're off the drugs, and your brain is working very hard to heal and will succeed. 

[Chels]

I was on Zoloft for 15 prior to reinstating these drugs and then getting adverse reactions. But I did jump the Zoloft and Prozac from low doses because I was already doing a 10% taper which was going extremely well before I got pregnant. 

[Gridley]

9 minutes ago, Chels said:

I was on Zoloft for 15 prior to reinstating these drugs and then getting adverse reactions. But I did jump the Zoloft and Prozac from low doses because I was already doing a 10% taper which was going extremely well before I got pregnant. 

It's good that you got down lower.

[Chels]

Is akathisia common with adverse reactions? I feel like I want to rip my insides open I feel so uncomfortable and like my brain is on fire, is this acute withdrawal? Is it normal to have windows and waves in adverse reactions in the beginning?

[Gridley]

@Chels

 

Akathisia is unfortunately a common withdrawal/adverse effect symptom.  It fades with time.

Akathisia vs restlessness, anxiety, agitation - Symptoms and ...

Acute withdrawal is the first few weeks of withdrawal.  After that it's protracted withdrawal.

 

It's normal to have waves and windows, ups and downs, throughout the healing process.

[Chels]

Do you think what I’m going through is the adverse drug reactions to reinstating or withdrawal? When I jumped from the Zoloft and Prozac on low doses after tapering for a while I didn’t feel bad for those two months until I took the one dose of Zoloft again and then lexapro for a week and then Prozac for two weeks and 3 days? I’m just confused if this would be considered adverse reactions.

[Chels]

Has anyone on here been pregnant while going through this? I’m so so scared 

[Colonial]

Hi Chels,

 

I sorry your feeling so poorly.  Your more than likely experiencing both adverse reaction and withdrawal complications, which share many of the same symptoms.

Please don't be scared. Your baby is a precious gift to help motivate you to get through this rough time.🧸

 

Take one day at a time, and during the rough hours, one hour at a time.  Force yourself to focus on the future, not the past.  Do you and your husband have a name picked out for your baby?  Remember that when the tough times in life come, we continue forward for the people you love, and once your baby arrives things will still be tough, but it will have been worth it that you did all you did now to stay calm and happy so your baby can continue to grow healthy during the rest of your pregnancy. 

[ChessieCat]

Here's SA's topic:  https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/4394-antidepressants-withdrawal-during-pregnancy/

 

Please be aware that some of the members might post about their fears of going through WD/tapering/taking drugs whilst pregnant and about how it might affect the baby.  However I can point you to member bubble who now has a healthy baby.

 

And here is bubble's post about her baby:  bubble has posted about her baby in her benzo topic

 

[Chels]

Do you think My symptoms are worse because I’m pregnant? It’s seems like bubbles was more stable in her tapers at the time of birth, I was stable but then got severe morning sickness and was reinstated on Zoloft at too high of of dose 1 pill and I felt awful and knew it was a reaction a week later I was slowly coming out of it but my family forced me onto lexapro .5 liquid for 8 days and then became suicidal and stopped I just kept getting worse after that and then I was put on Prozac for two weeks and 3 days and again just kept getting worse and worse I have gotten some days where I’m not as bad but then I go right back into panic and fear again.

[ChessieCat]

I gave you the link about bubble, not because of her symptoms, but that she had had a healthy baby.

[Chels]

I appreciate that. 

[Chels]

I’m afraid the stress of this will affect my baby. I’m constantly in panic. I also don’t know if my hormones is making everything worse

[Mimi79]

I tapered 2 meds (Quetiapine and Citalopram) during my second pregnancy. The first one (Quetiapine) in one week because of the risk it represent ( it’s an antipsychotic). It was almost a C/T.  It was very tough at the beginning, anxiety and huge insomnia for me, but at the end I gave birth to a wonderful and healthy girl. I was so afraid that she could have some  sequel. She is now 11 and is the smartest and healthiest  little girl you can imagine. 
But of course, it was not a « easy  » pregnancy, and the postpartum has been hard. I asked a lot of help from my mom and mother in law. They helped me tremendously in my worst period. But I went through, one day at a time. At the end it was an happy ending.

[Chels]

@Mimi79 thank you for reaching out! Did you do fast tapers? Did you feel doom and panic for most of your pregnancy? Do you think our hormones in pregnancy work against us during this? 

[Mimi79]

I stopped Quetiapine C/T the week I had my pregnancy test. I was taking it for insomnia so my sleep went away. Totally.

I tapered 30 mg celexa (citalopram) during the first 7 months of my pregnancy, so over a 6 months period. It was pretty fast. At the beginning, I think my hormones worked against me, but at the end, I think it was the opposite. Like if my body wanted me to feel good for the birthday.  During the last weeks of my pregnancy and few weeks after I gave birth, I was in a long and wonderful window. I had pretty good time during this period. I’m sure at this point it was my pregnancy hormones that helped me.
 But 1 month after my daughter arrived, I started a postpartum depression, and I know now it was in fact a wave of WD symptoms from celexa taper. This is where I needed a lot of help from my family. 
Don’t forget that in time, you will heal. In fact, everyday you are healing.  Don’t be afraid. And also don’t have guilt about your baby. Just do the best to take care of you and nurture yourself. Your baby will be fine, even if you have a lot of stress. My daughter is a proof of it. I had this guilt for a long time and now I realize it was useless.  Take one day at a time, one hour if it is too hard. And ask for help if you need it. 
 

Take care of you! 

[Chels]

@Gridley hey sorry for asking a series of questions, but I’m just curious about waves and windows, I read the topic on it but I was wondering is it even normal I’m having windows in the beginning of an adverse reaction? Is that a good sign? Does the heightened anxiety and severe depression ever pass?

[Gridley]

34 minutes ago, Chels said:

@Gridley hey sorry for asking a series of questions, but I’m just curious about waves and windows, I read the topic on it but I was wondering is it even normal I’m having windows in the beginning of an adverse reaction? Is that a good sign? Does the heightened anxiety and severe depression ever pass?

There can be waves and windows at any stage of the healing/withdrawal/adverse reaction process.  If you're having windows at the beginning it's a good sign.  The heightened anxiety and severe depression do pass.

[AJ716]

Hi Chels,

You asked if anyone went through this while pregnant?  In 1999 and 2001 I went CT off of Zoloft 100 mg when I was expecting (both at 5 months).  The first time I don't recall having any problems, mentally or physically, but the second time I was very emotionally distressed (like you). None of the physical though.  Sorry I cannot compare notes on that however I can hopefully offer you some reassurance:  Both babies were healthy! 

 

It pains me to see so many people struggling and then I get angry for all of us.  These psych prescriptions seem worse than street drugs or at least as bad! The fact that it's legal and considered good treatment, ground breaking "science", is a joke. 

 

Carrying on:  You mentioned an OB.  Did she prescribe any pre-natal vitamins or supplements, or do you take any OTC?  If so I suggest researching them thoroughly and perhaps asking moderators about possible interactions. Whether withdrawal or an adverse reaction your brain could be extremely hypersensitized to what is harmless to most.  I've discovered that I've had that issue for a while and didn't know it until watching close.  I've also found that certain foods cause symptoms. At first I thought it must be a coincidence but it wasn't.  

[Chels]

@AJ716 thank you for answering, I’m not taking prenatal unfortunately anymore, it makes the symptoms worse and my baby boy is healthy, I have to sacrifice some things so I can be as healthy as I can be through this experience while going through this.

 

@Gridley thank you for being so kind in answering all my questions i do have another one, I know I had adverse reactions to the drugs I tried to reinstate however was it the worst thing ever I just stopped them the one I took the longest was Prozac for 2 weeks 3 days? It’s been a week and 3 days since I haven’t taken anything, I’m hoping that the windows I’m getting isn’t due to the medication? But it’s weird because I felt way worse on it. 

[Gridley]

11 hours ago, Chels said:

It’s been a week and 3 days since I haven’t taken anything, I’m hoping that the windows I’m getting isn’t due to the medication?

It's hard to figure these things out.  I would assume it's a good window.

[getofflex]

Hello Chels, I just want you to know I'm praying for you.  My heart goes out to you.  I did a fast taper and a couple reinstatements for Lexapro.  I had a very rough time with that, but then I found this forum in March 2019, and slowed my taper waaaay down.  I have been getting better and better with each day.  It takes time.  Our brains are very complex, and take a long time to adjust and heal.  Do what you can to get help with the baby.  Do you have relatives and friends who can help?  That will make a huge difference.  Jennifer 

[Chels]

@getofflex hi Jennifer thank you so much for your prayers. I fortunately do have a lot of support when the baby is born so I feel very lucky for that. 
 

i did start with a really slow taper of Zoloft in January of 2019, I wasn’t done with it by the time I got pregnant and had every intention of continuing after the baby the was born and just stabilizing on the low dose I was on while I was pregnant but the first trimester rocked me, I could not keep food or anything down so in July I stopped it, I tried to reinstate two months later but my body just wasn’t having it, and it was leading to worse problems. So now I’m off everything, I’m hoping that because I was already on low doses from my taper it won’t be so bad, and that the reinstating didn’t mess with my healing time too much. 

[getofflex]

I will continue to pray for you.  Keep us posted.  Jennifer

[Chels]

@getofflex thank you Jennifer! I will be praying for you as well, through this experience I really believe in the power of prayer more and more and how helpful it is, when I kept reinstating medication a few weeks ago at the advice of my psychiatrist and family because I was legit a mess so everyone thought there was something really wrong with me, (I knew it was the medication from withdrawaling in July and then trying to go back on) but no one would listen to me. My family involuntary committed me to a psychiatric hospital, I just prayed and prayed I was terrified but I knew I would be forced medication there. I met with the psychiatrist there and he confirmed I was in withdrawal and I was having adverse reactions to reinstating. So I believe that god and the universe lined that up for me so I can finally close the chapter of trying to convince my family. If I didn’t meet that psychiatrist I don’t know where I’d be - he truly saved my life. 

[getofflex]

On 11/18/2020 at 8:13 AM, Chels said:

@getofflex thank you Jennifer! I will be praying for you as well, through this experience I really believe in the power of prayer more and more and how helpful it is, when I kept reinstating medication a few weeks ago at the advice of my psychiatrist and family because I was legit a mess so everyone thought there was something really wrong with me, (I knew it was the medication from withdrawaling in July and then trying to go back on) but no one would listen to me. My family involuntary committed me to a psychiatric hospital, I just prayed and prayed I was terrified but I knew I would be forced medication there. I met with the psychiatrist there and he confirmed I was in withdrawal and I was having adverse reactions to reinstating. So I believe that god and the universe lined that up for me so I can finally close the chapter of trying to convince my family. If I didn’t meet that psychiatrist I don’t know where I’d be - he truly saved my life. 

I'm sad that your family forced you into a psychiatric hospital.  This is why I didn't really tell my doctor how hard my WD was, I suspected he would probably try to make me take the drugs again.  I'm still praying for you and your baby.  Whatever you do, be sure and get lots of help when the baby is born.  Keep us posted.  Jennifer

[Chels]

Im in a bad wave, all I keep thinking is will I heal from this? And the fact I’m pregnant is just devastating because I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy. I feel like if I hadn’t gotten so sick in the first trimester I would have never gone off from my slow taper. Even though I was down to low doses of my medication it still wasn’t low enough and then trying reinstating with other drugs because my family was pushing me. Would I be having withdrawal effects from reinstating Prozac for 2 weeks? I was getting windows but now I’m in a wave and I read somewhere that Prozac stays in the system for 25 days which I’m only on day 14 of not having anything. Does that mean I’ll get worse one the Prozac is out of system? Does anyone recommend reinstating? Not that I want to, I just don’t want to feel this terrible. @Gridley (or if anyone could help answer this)

[Gridley]

11 hours ago, Chels said:

Would I be having withdrawal effects from reinstating Prozac for 2 weeks?

Very likely not.  You need to be on a psychiatric drug for a month before you're at risk of withdrawal symptoms.

11 hours ago, Chels said:

Prozac stays in the system for 25 days

 I wouldn't stress yourself with worry about these things and catastrophizing about what might happen.  Stress makes withdrawal worse.  

11 hours ago, Chels said:

recommend reinstating?

No, I wouldn't recommend reinstating.  These drugs do not agree with you.

 

12 hours ago, Chels said:

all I keep thinking is will I heal from this?

Yes, you will heal.  But it will take take time, and throwing more drugs at the situation is not the answer.  Please stop kicking yourself and thinking about might-have-beens.  We have all made many mistakes along the way.  The key, the absolute key, is acceptance of the situation.  I know you wanted your pregnancy to be a happy one, and it might well be.  But you need to accept whatever happens.  That is integral to dealing with withdrawal.

 

You will be fine. Please assume that and go from there.  You may have to change some longtime thinking patterns to do that.

 

[getofflex]

12 hours ago, Chels said:

Im in a bad wave, all I keep thinking is will I heal from this? And the fact I’m pregnant is just devastating because I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy. I feel like if I hadn’t gotten so sick in the first trimester I would have never gone off from my slow taper. Even though I was down to low doses of my medication it still wasn’t low enough and then trying reinstating with other drugs because my family was pushing me. Would I be having withdrawal effects from reinstating Prozac for 2 weeks? I was getting windows but now I’m in a wave and I read somewhere that Prozac stays in the system for 25 days which I’m only on day 14 of not having anything. Does that mean I’ll get worse one the Prozac is out of system? Does anyone recommend reinstating? Not that I want to, I just don’t want to feel this terrible. @Gridley (or if anyone could help answer this)

I want to second what Gridley said to you about this.  Acceptance has really helped me.  When I was in the worst of my withdrawal, I feel very badly.  After reading how so many others go through the same thing, and then get better, it really helped me to be at peace with it.  I will be praying for you.  Hang in there, it does get better.  

[Chels]

@getofflex thank you Jennifer, I just am so scared about becoming a mom through this. I tried to do everything right but starting a slow taper almost 2 years ago but then I got so sick in the pregnancy. I’m not sure if I’m considered a cold turkey or not? I am trying so hard to accept this pain and suffering but it sometimes so hard I’m super emotional from this and hormones and everyday I just cry. 
 

@Gridley thank you so much for your patience and always answering my questions it means so much to me.

[Chels]

@Altostrata or @ChessieCat I would really appreciate your opinion about reinstating a small amount because I’m struggling so much at the moment I don’t know if you could maybe read my story and please help me! I’m 25 weeks pregnant I feel like I can’t live like this, I’m dying!!