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Whateverittakes1991: my journey - Trittico/trazodone, Cipralex/escitalopram, mirtazapine


Whateverittakes1991

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Whateverittakes1991

Hello,

 

I just go straight to my story and maybe you will able to understand it and even help me. I have always been a bit anxious because something is wrong with my mother's side of the family (my 2 cousins, aunts are all on antidepressants because of anxiety and depression, my mother, on the other hand, is not and doing quite fine). My father has led me to be fit and to exercise a lot and it has given me great strength to battle this. But it wasn't something overwhelming and nothing too serious I guess. Some days were harder and somedays I was completely fine enjoying my life to the fullest. Overall I am a positive person, ambitious and a bit crazy and I like fun.

 

During 2016 I really felt great and I wanted to do a photoshoot of me being ripped. So I  prepared for it for 6 months where I cut to 6% of body fat. The journey was perfect and I felt like a god. After the photoshoot, I felt really intense restlessness it was horrible and I had a panic attack after I've passed one exam so I went to the hospital and they gave me Trittico. After I think 3 months I was a total zombie and emotionless so I tapered it down in 1 month (really quick taper). I had 75mg before bedtime. But after the taper, I became horribly anxious and I was at unease all the time. These 2 years were horrible, and I tried a million supplements but nothing worked. During that time I met my girlfriend and it was becoming less and less unbearable. During these years I was visiting CBT and my therapist thought me to trust only reason and get to the problem right on solve it. It has helped me tremendously.

 

During 2019 I felt great with some windows of anxiousness and maybe depression, especially in winter. But there were bigger amounts of days when I was good than bad. I started prepping for my first (and probably the last) bodybuilding competition. I went from 93 kg to 69kg ripped to the bone and again during that journey, I felt on the top of the world all the time. I was anxious and depression free. But after the competition, it has started again but it was much worse (intrusive thoughts, restlessness, depression) and I again went to a psychiatrist and he gave me 75mg of Trittico first and also Elicea (citalopram) and I had a horrible reaction to it. I thought that I was going to die. She switched it after a week on 5 mg of it and gave me CIPRALEX (10mg in the morning) and MIRTAZAPIN (15mg) before bedtime. After three months of horrible symptoms and me thinking that I won't recover it got slightly better (I am a teacher in an elementary school.


I had these pills for six months and then I tapered them because I was calm but no sex drive, no will, and I was like a high person (but it was really quick taper according to this site). I took it from the end of August till the last day of January (6 months). After 4 months I began to taper, but I just forgot by how much.

 

The first month was horrible, I was totally restless, but my concentration was fortunately good, so I can go to work. Next 2 months I just felt good, strong, going to the gym, only occasional restlessness and I didn't have any symptoms but I remember one night when my brain kind has like a zap and I went to the anxious and depressed state and it stayed that way up till now. My concentration is far from good and it's like akathisia inner restlessness and strong back and chest pain leading from the temple. My girlfriend is still with me despite this all.

 

I have started Wim hof methods: Every day I start with a cold shower 5-10 minutes and before sleep his breathing method. I have been doing it for 2 weeks and I have improved stamina and I am not so fatigued all the time. My sex drive comes and goes. I go regularly to the gym 4 times a week. I don't take any supplement and only protein. I have a healthy diet with lots of protein, fats and complex carbohydrates. I can go to work and do a lot of work on my side job (English Project). But I have this horrible back, neck and chest pain and inner restlessness. I don't want to complain about anything having read all those horrible stories on these forums. I am relatively good despite my condition. I have a girlfriend who has been there in horrible times, loving parents and friends and good work and also I can go to the gym. Sometimes it's really hard and I need to really push myself to do anything.

 

Summary:
Current symptoms:
chest and back pain a bit of depression, inner restlessness (horrible),  speeded up, fatique, I can't really calm down and therefore it is difficult to concentrate- these symptoms are there all the time. 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month - big mistake)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month - big mistake)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

 

Unfortunately, my biggest dream of competing and be a natural bodybuilder is lost because it was the biggest trigger for me. I will lift weights only as a hobby.


But I don't want to end up on these drugs again. I have accepted these symptoms and maybe I will live rest of my life with the

m it if is meant to be. But I would really like to get better because I am like 50% of a person that used to be.

What do you think? Do you think time will heal it?


Thank you in advance for reading my post and chime in with your opinion. And remember to accept this and do whatever it takes to get better and to heal.


Jan

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
added spacing

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Whateverittakes1991: my journey - Trittico/trazodone, Cipralex/escitalopram, mirtazapine
  • Moderator

Welcome to SA, Whateverittakes1991

On 11/16/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

maybe I will live rest of my life with the

m it if is meant to be. But I would really like to get better because I am like 50% of a person that used to be.

What do you think? Do you think time will heal it?

 

You will heal.   Yes, time will heal.  This is not forever.  Take a look at the Success Stories in the Success Stories forum on our main page.  These links explain the healing process:

 

 

 

On 11/16/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

Current symptoms:
chest and back pain a bit of depression, inner restlessness (horrible),  speeded up, fatique, I can't really calm down and therefore it is difficult to concentrate- these symptoms are there all the time. 

 

These are withdrawal symptoms caused by your fast taper.  They will fade in time.

 

 

 

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  
 
We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. Get supplements that ae single ingredient (not mixed with other types of supplements).

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 
 


 

 

 
Edited by Gridley

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of March 22: 14.4mgai.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (0.44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Whateverittakes1991

Hello thank you for your reply!

 

I am 10 months and 12 days off any psychiatric drugs and I feel that I am in the worst wafe ever. The inner restlesness is horrible, I really can't concentrate on anything and I can't remember even the simplest things. It's like my brain is speeding towards I don't know what. For the past 14 days I usually wake up at 3:30 and cant sleep afterwards (I think the cortisol curve is far from optimal.). I am irritable by this and I am angry all the time. I try to accept this but sometimes it is really difficult.

 

It's really difficult for me to be a teacher in an elementary school, because I can't concentrate and when I teach something new it is very challenging. Also the crippling fatique is almost unbearable. I had to stop going to the gym and I can't stand being with my girlfriend in the same room because of the inner restlessness. I don't engage in any conversations with my colleagues because I feel like my brain is after lobotomy and I don't know what to say and when I have to say something I rumble and it is difficult for me to speak properly. It is getting embarassing so I tend to go to school, teach my hours and get the hell out.

 

What is helping me a tiny bit is Wim hof breathing and Cold showers, after it I can complete the vast majority of my work.

Do you think that these are still the withdrawals or something else? I am a fighter, but I am just scared that I won't be able to go to work if it gets any worse.

 

Should I go to the gym despite the crippling fatique? Should I force myself to do the strenuous exercise or just rest and do atleast cold showers and wim hof breathing?  I don't want take any magnesium or Omega 3 because I feel I am supersensitive now for any supplement I would take. 

 

Thank you for your replies.

 

 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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  • Moderator
On 12/12/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

The inner restlesness is horrible

This type of response is a common withdrawal symptom.  It fades with time.

Akathisia vs restlessness, anxiety, agitation - Symptoms and ...

 

On 12/12/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

(I think the cortisol curve is far from optimal.).

This too is common in withdrawal.

Early-morning waking - managing the morning cortisol spike ...

 

On 12/12/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

Do you think that these are still the withdrawals

Yes.  Progress can be frustratingly slow, but your brain is healing.

 

 

 

 

 

On 12/12/2020 at 10:03 AM, Whateverittakes1991 said:

Should I force myself to do the strenuous exercise or just rest and do atleast cold showers and wim hof breathing? 

My suggestion would be a gentle 30-minute walk in nature and doing the breathing and showers if that is helping.  Strenuous exercise is often too stimulating for those in withdrawal.

 

 

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of March 22: 14.4mgai.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (0.44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Whateverittakes1991

 

Hello,

first of all, I wish you all happy x-mas and a happy new year. I just wanted to update my progress. Last week was horrible I couldn't sleep. I barely slept 3 hours a night and last Thursday after going to the gym I couldn't sleep at all. I was so anxious and I ruminated all the time, but these thoughts were completely irrational. The only thing that kept me going was to have a cold shower for 5 minutes at 3 AM. I couldn't sleep but fortunately, the rumination stopped.

 

Over these days the symptoms turned around I want to sleep all the time, horrible fatigue. No motivation to do anything, I just want to lay down and do nothing. I, fortunately, have a girlfriend who supports me, but I feel that my life is over for some time now. It's horrible I was so motivated to accomplish my work, gym and personal goals. Now I can barely talk to my parents without being anxious, barely talk to my girlfriend without being super anxious. When I want to memorize something it's like an impossible task. All I am capable of is just to play some stupid pc games or if I want to do something more demanding I feel super tense and super exhausted in 30 minutes. When I have to go to work I use all my remained strength and I can complete tasks. At least I can sleep in the night and insomnia has been resolving.


One and a half year ago I was preparing for my first bodybuilding competition, got a new flat, thrived in my work and now I am solely surviving. I feel like an empty shell I could sit on the chair staring at the wall and do absolutely nothing. I just hope it will end someday.

I don't get one thing though. Three months in withdrawal I was full of strength, I could squat 180 KG for reps, I could do strenuous exercise 5 days a week. I could have sex with my GF every time I want. I could concentrate on my things. Alongside the teaching, I finished the project as a side job and now ten10 months later I feel like 90 years old man just before his death? How can protracted withdrawals even exist? I am just worried that my baseline anxiety is higher and higher and I won't be able to properly function without drugs. I made a promise to myself though that antidepressants are not a solution anymore in my life.

I just wanted to update my story, almost 11 months without ADs and barely surviving. Take care guys and have a great new year!

 

 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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  • 3 weeks later...
Whateverittakes1991

Hello all,

 

last month was horrible, I ended up 3 and a half year of relationship because I just didn't know what to do anymore. I slept 3 hours on average. The problem was that because of COVID we couldn't go anywhere. We stayed home the whole holiday. And I just haven't liked some of her qualities - smoking (repeatedly telling her to stop smoking, but with no success), and she didn't exercise and not eating enough despite her being unhealthy skinny. She was unemployed for 2 months and she watched only TV and smoke. I wasn't sleeping, my concentration was very poor and I told her that she is very different from me and I want to end this. On the other hand she did everything for me - she loved me , cooked me, took care of our flat. We had a lovely dog and newly a rabbit. Now I realized that I wasn't thinking straight. Just needed to make adjustments. One or two days after a break up I felt without the tightness in the chest. But after 2 days I felt horrible tightness, sleeping till 2-3 o'clock. And I realized, it was not her, it was me in withdrawals making unecessary actions.

To make matters worse,I broke up with her for the first time in 2017 when I was also in withdrawals, couldn't stand no one in my presence. After a week she came to visit me and she didn't smoke in front of me, we even exercised together and had a great trip with her dog. But I think she won't come back.

Now I am just alone in my flat with same symptoms wishing her to come back. But maybe I needed that.
I regularly go to sleep at 10 PM. I do the 10 weeks Wim hof course (breathing exercise + cold showers). I ordered online consultations with a new therapist. I try to take fish oil and vitamin E. Tommorow I will get my magnesium bysglicinate for sleep. And from now on I will take it super serious.
Current symptoms: tightness in the chest, pain in the temples, morning anxiety, sudden adrenaline rushes, crying spells (these are real I guess because I just with my girlfriend to come back).

 

Do you think that these symptoms are still withdrawals? I feel I am really at my lowest point and I just wish to wake up from this nightmare. I don't want to end up on antidepressants again but what if I am just super anxious dude since my born and I need some kind of medication. I just want to feel a relief and then this relief will be felt also by my closed ones.

 

Thank you in advance for your answers.

 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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  • 4 weeks later...
Whateverittakes1991

Hey,

I want to make an update about my state of being. It is one year and seven days off the medication today. I don't know what is happening, but it is difficult for me to do anything, but partly it is also my fault. I strenuously exercised last 14 days, but since last Tuesday I was unable to go to the gym, and I was so ******* tired that I just lay in my bed, had one meal and had a really horrible tight feeling in the chest and I was nervous without any reason. I also stopped wim hof breathing, because it really made tension in me bigger and bigger.

I spoke with my ex-girlfriend I was at her place last weekend, I was extremely tight and nervous, but without any thoughts in my mind. In the end, it was fine, and we spoke about my condition because it is really not a good one and she told me to not take an antidepressant and push through at least one more year without them to know if all the symptoms are all me or if it is a withdrawal.

Today I just pushed myself and had 10-minute cold-shower, then cooked for me for three days, cleaned the whole apartment, and I start easy training plan in the gym to be constant and not over train and crash. I also use Omega-3 fish oil and sometimes magnesium bysglicinate for sleeping. I have also started a No-fap challenge. I want to hold it for 90 days for now.   

Current symptoms:
I can sleep 8+ hours and still feeling utterly fatigued to the point of not doing anything (only help is a long cold shower, then I have some motivation to do stuff). Tightness in the chest (sometimes there is no tightness in the morning, but I feel fatigued), then I put my effort to do something and either I get tightness in the chest immediately without any thought, or the first thought of doing something gives me the tightness.
Horrible cognitive skill, it's hard to concentrate on anything.
Withdrawing from social situations - don't have any strength to speak to people or make a joke.
No libido
Wired in a horrible way

The tightness in the chest is set by absolutely irrational things. I want the text to my friends or my ex-girlfriend, and when I do I usually get a horrible rush of adrenaline, and the tightness in the chest appears, and for the rest of the day, I feel like ****. Or when I imagine moving to the city to my ex-girlfriend, to have a house and family, I get that adrenaline rush and then get the tightness in the chest, and it's over for me.

My mother told me, that when I had been a child, I had thrown up every time before going to school. I am afraid that I am just sensitive in that way, and my autonomic nervous system is super sensitive to everything, and I will be like this for the rest of my life. I doubt that these are still the withdrawals - I took the medication for half a year, and I am off for one. And it is not that horrible like in November and December, but it is like 40% of me nowadays.

I do whatever I can, I talk to a therapist now, but I heard these things how to battle anxiety many times, and there is nothing new to me. Go to stressful situations whenever you can. Thoughts are just thoughts, and so on........
I need some reassurance that, in time, I will able to plan something important to me, I will be calm, and my cognitive skills will improve to the point once where they were.
I know that I can soldier through it, to go to work, to exercise sometimes, but I don't want to feel horrible all the time. It's so tiring. I fear that it is a general anxiety disorder (high functioning one), and I need to be medicated for life.

Nevertheless, I want to soldier through it for one more year and do whatever it takes to improve the symptoms. I need reassurance that it can be better, please someone reply me back. I just want to chill, not be angry because of the tightness feeling in the chest. It is like a reflex now, no thoughts, but my nervous system reacts inadequately to various stimuli.

 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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  • 1 month later...
Whateverittakes1991

Hello,

I just want to update my state of being. It is almost 14 months off any antidepressants after half a year of usage. The tightness in the chest is horrible. I also notice that my body temperature is changing Constantly cold, then warm then cold and it repeats itself. I have crying spells because I feel like **** all the time despite me having great family, friends, work and I can go to a private gym with my friends. I have to constantly move with my legs to release the tense feeling. It is better than in November and December, but I feel horrible all the time.


My supplement stack hasn't changed since the last post: Omega in the morning, and Magnesium before going to bed. I also went to a doctor to make blood tests of my hormones. Because hell started even before starting/quitting antidepressants, but after my bodybuilding competition. I am afraid that I ***** up my testosterone production and my thyroid gland also took a big hit. To make things worse add my disposition to anxiety and well I am where I am now. I will get the result next Thursday. I will try to show the results to an endocrinologist and maybe hop on the testosterone replacement therapy and thyroid meds. I am in my best years and I don't want to spend it alone in my flat, anxious and depressed as ****.

 

I read somewhere that exercising consumes a lot of serotonin and every time the next day after a workout, the tightness in the chest is even worse.
I need more rest days maybe, but I have tried it too and I was in a constant tense state, too. And I don't want to give up going to the gym, because it is all that I have left.

Two weeks ago I felt a bit better and I went on a date with a new girl, but I was so ******* tense that I quit it after two meetings. I don't know if I can go on like this once schools open. I think I can handle it but to what point? If I feel miserable all the time I don't want to live anymore because there is nothing to live for.

 

 

2016 Trittico 75mg ( 3-4 months can't really remember the length)
2019 Cipralex (10mg -6 months -tapering in the last month)
         Mirtazapine (15mg -6 months - tapering in the last month)
Drug-free: Almost 10 months

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