Jennings: down in a hole

[Jennings]

Thanks @Sunnydayi appreciate you taking time to respond.

[Jennings]

Just popped in to say I’m still in the thick of it.

 

I’m in this vicious cycle right now where I’m getting anxious about being anxious.  It’s terrible, just awful.

 

Also cycling neuro emotions anger/anxiety/weepy/depressed.  Barely ever happy.

 

My major symptoms are anxiety, nausea, fatigue, chest flutter, and my hands and feet are cold.  I’m also really susceptible to cold.  
 

The nausea and cold hands and feet really trigger me.  They cause anxiety which most likely causes me to be more nauseous.

 

Anyways I hope everyone is the best they can be right now.

[Colonial]

Thanks for checking in, it was good to hear from you.

I remember worrying about not being able to stop worrying.

Then  worried if the worry abut the worry was going to be an issue. 🙂

Stay strong. 🦾

[Jennings]

Ugh, been a rough couple weeks.

 

I ended up getting lab work done and it came back really bad.  I started having insane panic attacks for a couple days.  
 

It turns out the lab switched the results with someone else and my results came back fine, just some elevated glucose but nothing to worry about.

 

So my labs, ekg and some other heart test came back fine.

 

‘So, still going through it, nausea, gastro issues, chest pain, intense anxiety, any stress triggers me, some insomnia.

 

I don’t have windows for days instead I have small windows throughout the day followed by waves back and forth all day.

[Jennings]

I’m very close to getting back on a psych med.

 

I’m close to losing my job and am getting pressure from all sides.

 

My psych doc, my wife, my parents, my friends are all telling me this is me and not withdrawal.

 

I haven’t slept in two nights.  I’ve been in a brutal wave for a week.  Non stop panic and none of my coping techniques work.

 

Exercise, CBT, all my tools are coming up empty.

 

The anxiety is so high I can’t imagine dealing with this forever.

 

I couldn’t even imagine a month ago saying I would ever go back on a AD.  A month seems like forever ago now.

[Deano]

Sorry you are still suffering, Jennings. I can't say what you should do, but I am still on the 10mg of citalopram since December 14th, and I've shelved my tapering plans for the foreseeable future. I'm stable now and I just can't even think of going through this hell again right now.

 

Whatever you decide though, just know that the withdrawal is not "you" or a "relapse" or "part of your condition." No matter how much well meaning but ill informed people attempt to gaslight you into accepting otherwise.

 

Wishing you well and hope things turn around for you...

[Artistic1]

@JenningsHi. I just read through your entire thread. Your symptoms sound so much like mine used to be: intense anxiety, especially in the morning, but continuous throughout the day; insomnia so bad I was just dragging through each day; changes in appetite. The whole nine yards. Zoloft only exacerbated all my symptoms. I thought I would never be well, but I was determined to be off drugs. I was miserable on them, and I figured if that was my state, I'd rather be miserable OFF of drugs. I started my taper one year ago and had to power through a lot of stuff, just like you. I am only to half of my 25 mg dose, but I feel sooooooo much better!

 

Here's what worked for me in dealing with the mental stuff: Eckhart Tolle books and YouTube videos. Dr. Amy Johnson YouTube videos and her book "Little Book of Big Change." Several other books on changing from the inside out....whatever spoke to me. My therapist and CBT, which I used religiously. And I learned to stop worrying about the panic attacks and the anxiety. I know it can be really hard to accept those feelings, because they're scary, but when I felt the anxiety coming on, I actually started inviting it in, and then just going with it. I even tried to make it worse, and found that gave me control over it, rather than it controlling me! You wouldn't believe it, but it started to lose its power pretty quickly. Counterintuitive, but it worked for me.

 

For the insomnia, I have to say I tried EVERYTHING: Sleep therapy books, magnesium, melatonin, calming tea, chinese dates, progesterone warm milk, Benadryl, aspirin, tylenol. In the end, what helped the most is what someone else suggested in your thread....I just accepted that poor sleep was my M.O. I quit tracking it, and I quit worrying about it. If I couldn't sleep at night, at least I could do deep breathing and get some reast, which mentally, was the next best thing. Easier said than done to not worry about insomnia, but with practice, the worry AND the insomnia has pretty much disappeared. It took me more than a year, but I am now sleeping pretty well, and by that I mean if I get 5-6 hours, I'm happy. I discovered I don't need 8 hours and can function on 4. That change in thinking made a big difference. One other thing that helped....I recently started  using tart cherry concentrate supplements at night, and that seems to have done what other supplements couldn't do....very relaxing for me.  These have to be made from Montmorency tart cherries. I buy the SR brand on Amazon and take one 800mg supplement one hour before bed.

 

Hang in there. You will heal. I didn't think I would, but I can feel it happening now after being on AD since 2015. You can do it!

Best wishes!

[Jennings]

Thanks guys @Deano and @Artistic1, pm me anytime you want to talk about this journey

[Jennings]

My rough wave has continued.  My psych had me start Deplin last night and it was extremely activating.

 

Took it again today.  It’s still pretty activating.

 

She also wants me to start NAC.

 

I think I’ll wait on the NAC.

 

I did however sleep a little bit more last night.

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Hi Jennings, just wanted to say it really sounds like you are going through a lot and I feel for you. I think the fact that you are able to come here and write your updates says a lot (as it does for everyone here), but you are strong and you will get through this. 
 

I’m going through a window right now I believe. And in the windows, I try to tell myself if I can feel this now, then when the darkness comes try to remember I can feel this way again. Of course that’s way easier said than done. I can rarely do that when I go through the cortisol mornings and the terrors and fear and feeling like I am dying or want to be dead. But when you’re on the other side for even a second, you want others to know they can be there too. Please hang in there, you have people rooting for you. I want you to feel better. 

[Jennings]

@tryingtosurvive330thank you that means a lot.

[Jennings]

Ok I’m done with the Deplin.  It was way to activating.  I have no idea if the Deplin set off my deep depression, high anxiety panic attack last night, but that was one of the worst I’ve ever had.

 

I think the 15mg capsule was too much for me tbh.

[Jennings]

I’ve stayed off all supplements besides Fish Oil and Magnesium.  A little melatonin at night actually.

 

There’s been a lot of stress lately, through work and family. We had a death of a close relative due to Covid.  Just terrible.

 

I’ve actually had 3 nights of decent sleep in a row, it really helps with making the anxiety bearable.

 

I am starting to have a lot of physical symptoms, gi issues, chest pain, pain in my neck, just feel lousy.

 

I think it is from being in a constant fight and flight so long.  
 

‘’Hope everyone is doing the best they can.

 

 

[Jennings]

Back in another wave.  I’ve been in this one about 5 days.

 

Any stressors send me into a terrible feeling, it seems magnified by 100.

 

A lot of dread, horrible dread, just the worst thoughts.

 

Anyways I hope everyone is doing the best they can.

 

[Jennings]

Terrible night sleep, globus sensation and odd chest pain.

 

I could not get out of bed this morning.

 

However I started to have a window around 1 pm that lasted until 7 pm.  That’s a big window for me.

 

I feel like a sack of assholes now though.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

How are u doing ? Thinking of you and praying for our recovery 

[Jennings]

Thanks, you are in my prayers also.

 

Not in a good place.  Went to yoga tonight and was a nervous wreck.  I was so weak it was crazy.  I’m just miserable right now.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

I feel u, I took my kids to the gym for swimming and I had to go in myself as they don’t yet know how to swim very well, and I was feeling bad all the time but without being able to define what was that inner bad feeling.... it was not exactly inner terror or anxiety or soul aching or doom feeling bad it was smg that made me feel bad inside for sure.... I ll pray for a window for both of us tomorrow 

[Jennings]

Thank you, yes that's the feeling I got tonight.  Which I guess is better than the normal Doom feeling.

[Jennings]

Back in a wave that started last night.  
 

‘My anxiety is so high I want to go to the hospital but I know where that will lead.  
 

Feeling pretty hopeless, just tired and sad.  
 

Six months out and this is the most depressed I’ve felt so far.  
 

I made it through work so i guess that is something to appreciate.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

When things are really bad for me, like worst of worst, there is a clear improvement showing up within the next days .... hung in there I know how hard it is ...

[tryingtosurvive330]

Getting through work is huge. That’s a really big accomplishment so I hope you can hang on to that small victory. 
 

Sorry it feels so bad for you, are you still not living in your house? Baths and mindless tv got me through some of the worst days. I would just sit there blankly feeling frozen but it was better than silence. 

[Jennings]

Thanks for dropping by guys.  I appreciate the support.

 

I am back home.  I had to come home my son was worried about me.

 

I would love to watch TV but everything makes me feel bad, I can’t explain it, movies and TV trigger me.  I don’t understand why.  Nothing used to bother me, I could watch the biggest tear jerker or the most insanely terrifying horror movie and I’d love it.  Now they make me feel anxiety and dread.

[Yesyes123]

Hey @Jennings when you can't do anything just lay in bed and remember that every second that goes by is a second you are closer to recovering completely. Keep repeating that. That helped me a lot.

[Dejavu]

@Jennings, your central nervous system is on ultra-high-alert. It is seeing danger where none exists. In my worst days, the most random thoughts would trigger me. Once I walked into our den where my husband was watching a football game, and I was instantly struck with intense fear (I've always been a football fan). Another time, the sight of one of my potted plants swaying in the wind sent me into orbit. While the brain struggles for stability, it often misfires and misinterprets the most inane things as dangerous. This is a symptom I've had at the beginning of both of my crashes. It lasted intensely a couple of months, and then faded away fairly quickly. Hope that happens for you soon.

[Jennings]

I just had a horrible psych doc appointment.  She does believe I have some type of withdrawal going on but doesn’t believe it would make it this bad.

 

She wants me to start Buspar.  I’ve not sure what to do.  Anyways just venting.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

I would not believe what I am going through if I wasn’t going it through ... if u know what I mean..... ...

don’t expect her to know any better or understand unless she has been through WD. 
Ask urself, did I have these symptoms or at this high level before ADs? If not, it is WD. I ll use my case as an example. Before Zoloft I only had really bad chest tightness. If after Zoloft I had chest tightness I wouldn’t think I am in WD.

Instead, I have inner tremor/restlessness/fear , soul penetrating anxiety and sadness, depersonalization, an unexplained brain off sensation (my worst symptom making me wanna go inpatient), intrusive thoughts, tinnitus and face spasms. Before Zoloft I had only known some of these feelings from my biomedical books, some of them like depersonalization I haven’t had even had come across the term in any of my books..... 

So I know it’s WD, what I don’t know is how long it ll last.

you also have to ask ur self if you have had any improvements even minor ones during the time u ve been off the drug. 

 

[Jennings]

Update and not a positive one.

 
I did not sleep Wednesday or Thursday night.  I was in my kitchen making my morning tea and the next thing I know I’m on the floor after getting extremely dizzy.  My wife rushed in and took me to the hospital.

 

Everything checked out however they wanted me to go psych inpatient!!!

 

I refused and insanely enough I fell asleep for two hours at the hospital in a secluded room due to quarantine.  
 

‘Anyways I got home last night and tossed the scripts they gave me, which made my parents and wife angry.

 

Not feeling well right now.  Really tired.

[tryingtosurvive330]

That sounds really rough! Are you feeling better now? What kind of scripts did they give you, were they all psych meds?

 

I can understand how an outsider would be upset about you tossing them when they see you basically pass out, not realizing those meds put you in this position in the first place. I hope you feel better that it doesn’t happen again. Do you maybe have some inner ear issues? My brother used to pass out and I know a couple of men who have too, and doctors all said it’s actually pretty common and more so in men. 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

I am sorry u had to suffer this and people around u don’t understand... it’s been the same for me..... 

What meds did they prescribe?

Has insomnia continued? Is ur main symptom anxiety? Do some search on valeriana root, it’s natural. I used it for a short period of time on and off and it helped a bit with anxiety. I didn’t have any side effects but other people do report side effects so it’s up to u. if u decide to try it start with a much lower dose than the recommended one 

[Jennings]

Thanks guys, I never have passed out before, I think it was just exhausted and got dizzy.

 

The meds were Zoloft and 5 Klonopins .5, and directions to follow up with my doctor.  
 

I am pretty shook and in a deep wave.

 

I will say prayers for you guys tonight.

[saimshah]

i was in bad wave due to vitamine b12. i could not sleep for 10 days straight. I stopped worrying about why i m not able to sleep and amazingly my sleep has returned. I remember 2 monthes ago i started to take chamomile tea and was not able to sleep for 2 days straight. I will suggest to do mindfullness before sleep instead of remedies and supplements as anything can trigger and put us in a bad wave.

[saimshah]

10 minutes ago, Jennings said:

Thanks guys, I never have passed out before, I think it was just exhausted and got dizzy.

 

The meds were Zoloft and 5 Klonopins .5, and directions to follow up with my doctor.  
 

I am pretty shook and in a deep wave.

 

I will say prayers for you guys tonight.

I will also pray for your immediate recovery. i also went dizzy and almost passed out after taking vitamins. do not think about it alot. You will be alright.  Are you doing sny mindfulness before going to sleep ? there are alot of videos  on youtube like this one which will help you to reduce your anxiety and get in deep sleep. 

 

 

[Jennings]

Thank you, yes doing mindfulness, sleep sounds, using Calm app and Dare.

 

Also yoga before bed.  Not sure what has triggered this.

[saimshah]

did you do strenuous exercise or walk ? it can also trigger bad wave. do not put alot of stress on your body. try to relax as much possible. the harder you go on your body the harder you will be in wave. please gentle with your body and care about it.

[Go2zero]

You might try Lavender essential oil (organic quality). I tried so much against anxiety caused by withdrawal. Lavender oil is the only natural thing that helps for me. I take 2- 3 drops in a glass of water. Very good result within 15 minutes. Just take when needed. It also helps me to sleep better when having anxiety at night or having cortisol spikes.