Jennings: down in a hole

[Jennings]

Thanks for the suggestions.

 

Unfortunately I have a ton of stressors right now that can’t be avoided, I have to work and my family is mourning the death of my father in law and my uncle. These are normal natural stressors that are being blown out of control due to my lack of stress tolerance.  
 

This will pass too.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

Focus on urself. You have to be “selfish” during WD cause healing requires all of ur strength. People who passed don’t suffer anymore, they are somewhere else happy. You are here suffering. Focus on urself 

[saimshah]

Yes they have gone and ur morning and suffering can not bring them back. So focus on yourself and make yourself strong.

[Jennings]

I actually slept from 1030 to 600 last night.  It’s weird because now that I’ve slept I am really depressed. Strange days indeed.

[tryingtosurvive330]

That sounds like amazing sleep. Are you more depressed than before or did any other symptoms go up or down?

[Jennings]

I was never depressed before meds, I didn’t even know this was depression I was feeling for a while after withdrawal started.  I took one of those questionnaires at my doctors office and figured it out.  But yes the depression this morning is the soul crushing black depression I’ve had throughout withdrawal.  It seems to go away and come back, switching off with intense anxiety.

 

Symptoms are up and down however my main intense symptoms are depression, anxiety, and insomnia.  Even on my best days the anxiety is buzzing very slow, always there.  
 

As of right now I believe I am in withdrawal however I’m treating this like it is me and I need to cope.  I feel if I can use coping techniques to diminish the symptoms when they are this bad that when I go back to normal anxiety I will then conquer it.  
 

‘When I’m in a wave I feel like I’ve always been in a wave.  I feel like I’ve been lying to myself and I’ll never get better.  I feel like things are hopeless.  
 

@tryingtosurvive330

[tryingtosurvive330]

13 minutes ago, Jennings said:

When I’m in a wave I feel like I’ve always been in a wave.  I feel like I’ve been lying to myself and I’ll never get better.  I feel like things are hopeless.  
 

That's exactly what I was thinking last night as I read through my thread. It didn't feel like the "progress" I had made was tangible anymore and I thought it all looked the same.

 

So, the depression was worse today after the good night of sleep? Like you said, it just switched off with one of the other major symptoms, or is today just everything at once after the sleep, worse than yesterday?

 

I had the opposite of you, very poor sleep but also feeling like absolute crap. It feels like we can't win. I know that when I get in the sun I start to feel glimmers of "ok-ness", not to say it feels good at all...I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't know if that helps you, but we will have spring forward in less than a month and I'm am counting down the days so we have more light and the world doesn't seem like the apocalypse. I hope any one of your symptoms wanes a little later today.

[Jennings]

I've noticed I tend to have better days when I get in quality sleep.  And that is not happening very often.  

 

Of course the last week I slept kind of better, even with work.  That all changed last Sunday when I woke up extremely nauseous about 2 am.  The nausea has gone away however I haven't slept more than 2 hours the last two nights.  It's terrible.  And I'm getting the incoming intrusive thoughts bombs and anxiety, so I guess i was in a tiny window and now am back in a wave.  It's very frustrating.  I had some hope this last week that things were lifting.  The thoughts went away, I was anxious but it was very mild, and I wasn't depressed at all.  I started getting work done around the house and cleared a bunch of work assignments.

 

Now I feel like I've lost all hope.  I hate these withdrawal lies and what ifs.

 

My family is going away this weekend so Ill be all alone with the dogs.  I'm not a huge fan of being alone when I feel like this.

 

I hope everyone is healing.

[Crochet]

Hi Jennings,

 

Just checking in and sending healing thoughts.  

 

Crochet

[Jennings]

Thanks @Crochet, I appreciate it.  I hope you are feeling well right now.

[Jennings]

Well, when it rains it pours.

 

Last night I started having intense stomach and bowel pain.  Pretty wild, I thought it was maybe withdrawal but it was excruciating.  I ended up going to the hospital which was a treat due to Covid and the amount of violent drug addicts ok the emergency room.

 

I got a CT Scan and what do you know my appendix was about to burst.  So I get scheduled for surgery in the middle of the night and while I'm in prep it actually starts to burst.

 

So now I'm in recovery and I've been so careful through all of this and now I had to keep refusing meds, they were trying to give me an insane amount of them.

 

Now I am laying here post surgery and I'm still in immense pain.  I'm praying my CNS isn't destroyed right now.

[tryingtosurvive330]

Wow @Jennings that is crazy. So glad you went to the hospital. Going through all the with no pain meds, I don’t think I’d have been able to do that. 
 

I don’t know much about when the appendix starts to burst but I wonder if something was going on before and contributing to your bad wave. Maybe you will come out of this feeling a little better. 

[Jennings]

I hope so.  Sorry for the confusion but I did take pain meds.  Just very small amounts.  The lowest dose I could.  Mostly Tylenol.  

 

But they were trying to give me insane amounts on top of what they had already given me.

 

I had to keep asking the nurses what each thing was while laying in the fetal position.  And some didn't know that I was already given things.  

[tryingtosurvive330]

That’s so awful that they couldn’t keep track of what you’d been given. Good thing you knew to ask. 

[Yesyes123]

@Jennings you are so strong. You definitely know that. Even if other people can't understand what you're going through, you know it and just how strong you are. Soon you'll be able to rest properly and take it one day at a time. We will all make it out of this scary, uncertain place if we just hang on for now. 

 

Peace and healing 

[Emily02]

Appendix is no joke. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re unwell. I hope you get better soon.

Take care

[Crochet]

I'm praying for you.  You can get through this.

[Jennings]

I was discharged this morning after having one of the worst nights in a long time.

 

They wake you up all night in the hospital, it’s maddening.

 

I only got a couple hours of sleep, and I found out on discharge they gave me a benzo when they put me under.  I asked to not have one of those,  

 

‘’Anyways I crashed hard last night  and am in a deep wave, very brutal anxiety and depression.

 

So I was given anesthesia, antibiotics, and a benzo, plus some low doses,of pain meds, not good 

[Crochet]

I'm glad you are home.  I can't believe what you've been through.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

I am sure ur body is so exhausted that u ll fall asleep tonight. Don’t worry about one-two times benzo use, I used it one time during my WD and didn’t have any side effects. One time will clear up soon. I wish u a nice night sleep to come soon for u . I prayed last night especially for you with whatever strength I have been left from my own WD.

[Yesyes123]

Hey @Jennings I was given Valium a few times during the initial stages of WD when I had no clue what it was. It's been a few months and it has caused me no problem because it was only 2 or 3 times. Don't let it get to you, the real problem is ongoing use. You will heal. You have my prayers.

[Emily02]

I wish you get well soon Jennings

As Yesyes said you will heal

[Alice1]

Hey J 

Just stopping by to say hi . Try not to “what if” yourself silly.  Tough sell I know, but “ what if’s” will just make your bumpy ride even bumpier. 
 

Jeff 

[Jennings]

Wave is deep and brutal.  Bedridden, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can barely type.  God help me.

 

I must of had a reaction to something from the hospital.

 

‘Having not usual symptoms, scared and shaking.  

[JesusSavemefromWD]

1 hour ago, Jennings said:

Wave is deep and brutal.  Bedridden, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can barely type.  God help me.

 

I must of had a reaction to something from the hospital.

 

‘Having not usual symptoms, scared and shaking.  

I am so sorry about ur additional suffering. Do y think it is the physical pain that doesn’t let u sleep or eat? Try to eat smg like milk fruits potatoes they are rich in amino acids used to produce serotonin. Have u slept at all since u are back from the hospital?

[Alice1]

It’s going to be rocky for a bit J , but it will settle down.  It feels like benzo CT but it’s not.  It will have an acute period then post acute.  Hang in there and let your body react to it.  Don’t fight it.  Force feed yourself. No “what if’s” because there isn’t any.   

[Colonial]

 Either the anesthesia or the wrong antibiotic can really set us off.

If the antibiotic was in the Cipro family that alone can cause a deep wave.

 

I would caution against too much milk fruits potatoes. Especially in the afternoon when large amounts of carbs that will turn into sugar can make you much worse. You may find, however, you can tolerate carbs and sugars the last few hours of your day.

 

I also would caution against "force feeding" yourself too much.  The stress of the digestion process trying to process too much food at once can make your waves worse. Keep notes on when you eat and if your symptoms are worse within an hour your either:

 

1: eating too much carbs and sugar or

2: eating too much overall at one meal.

3: eating at the wrong time of day (afternoon)

 

Also, eating the wrong foods together can be problematic.  Different foods require different enzymes to digest them. Forcing your body to digest foods that need competing enzymes can overload your system.

 

Meats and green vegetables can be eaten together but should be eaten seperately.

Carbs and fruits should be eaten at a different time.

[arbor]

Dear @Jennings  Thinking of you as you go through this ordeal--Arbor

[arbor]

Hi Jennings--Sending you my best, and hoping there's been some improvement for you.  Arbor

[Jennings]

Ok back from the dead.

 

It's been about a month so I decided to drop an update.

 

I'm still in the thick of it.  After my appendectomy I had an insane reaction to the anesthesia and ended up inpatient due to having akathisia, I couldn't sit still, sleep, and had inner terror constantly.  It was horrible.  

 

I managed to stay off meds somehow even though they did give me benzos while I was in there.

 

Ive started therapy again and I have done two sessions of neurofeedback.  Not sure what's helping and what's not.  

 

My neuroemotions are out of control.  I feel anxiety, sadness, shame and guilt for many things that happened in my past.  My positive happy memories have been hijacked and they make me feel terrible.  I'm not sure what that is.  I'm also crying alot.  I can safely say I've cried more this last month than I have my entire life. I was never the type of person to cry, before and on meds.  Seriously, I always dealt with things well.

 

Besides all that, I've been sleeping better but not great, still working somehow, and I've been able to start exercising again.

 

I can also read and watch TV again which is nice, I guess that's progress.

 

8 months out, still going.

 

 

[Crochet]

I'm so happy to hear from you.  You are getting through it.  I have no idea how you are working.  I'm rooting for you and thinking of you often.  You can make it through this.

[Alice1]

Hey J 

Thought I’d drop by and see how you were holding up.  What’s the good word ?  

[Jennings]

Thanks for stopping by Alice, I am not great but I'm not as bad as I was. I'm having very little enjoyment out of life right now but my sleep is much better than it was.  I've decided to do monthly updates here unless I am in crisis.  

 

How I feel right now would have been a crisis a year ago, but the way I felt after I crashed in November and then again in March after my surgery has changed my perspective on that.

 

I do have some windows however it looks like I'm in it for the long haul right now. I hope things are alright with you.  It seems the kidney stone fiasco really set up back.

 

I hope it passes soon. 

 

[Alice1]

Yeah, the kidney stone messed me up hard.  I’ve read countless stories of people feeling better and then treating some other ailment and getting catapulted back.  

[Jennings]

Alright a month later and now I'm in a full blown crisis.  I have become non functional, barely out of bed.  I can't stop crying and am unable to do my job which is computer programming.  My boss is really trying to help big it's getting to the point where his hands are tied .

 

I took FMLA and went to another rehab mental health place and they tried to diagnose me as bipolar and give me all types of meds, but no benzos which is good.  There were also units for kids and there were a lot of them.  I felt so bad.  One of the psychs there offered me Buspar and said that it's tolerated extremely well with other patients as young as 5!!! 5!! Jesus.

 

They had a good DBT program so there's that.

 

My current symptoms are ridiculous anxiety, stomach pains, burning wrists and hands, floaty dizzy head, hot flashes, despair, panic attacks, black depression, oh god acid reflux, and I can't tolerate most foods, no sauce, no bread, no milk, ok eating veggie, meat, and some fruits.

 

I've never been through anything this difficult. 

 

I hope you are all doing much better.

 

 

[Yesyes123]

@Jennings I suggest you take a look at the "Plant Paradox Diet" I think it helps me a lot. Here's the diet if you want to check it out