dantesjourney: live again after 20 years on AD

[dantesjourney]

Hello,

first of all, excuse me for my English, which is not my language. I’m a 50 years old man, long term SSRI/SNRI user who is trying to survive after a lot of mistakes made with this poisons.

 

First SSRI was prescribed me in 1998: a psychiatrist decided to solve my panic attacks, anxiety and fears to be sick with a 20 mg of paroxetine. My journey with SSRI began: I took paroxetine from 1998 to 2008; then escitalopram from 2008 to 2010; venlafaxine XR from 2011 to 2016. During this period, 3 or 4 times I attempted to stop but after six months free I reinstated the drug; my doctor said that the difficulty to stop was a problem of mine because “SSRI don’t give dependence” and anyway said “if necessary you can use it for all the life”. For sure from 2006 for me was IMPOSSIBLE to decrease paroxetine under 10 mg!!!

 

From 2017 drugs seem not work as in the past: my doctor tries firstly with escitalopram (from december 2017 to august 2018), sertraline (from november 2018 to july 2019) and finally vortioxetine (november 2019 to february 2020).

On february the 6th I took for last time vortioxetine which was giving to me just problems

 

More than nine months have passed since then during which I experienced extremely heavy symptoms that reduced my mental energies and threw me into a profound discomfort that makes it increasingly difficult to carry out my normal activities. Some of the symptoms are those that I have already known in the past (although they present themselves in a more severe way): agitated anxiety; insomnia (I have occasionally taken xanax which fortunately I have used very rarely in these 20 years) and sudden and agitated awakenings; obsessive search for information and explanations about my malaise (via the internet). Others are new: an unbearable mood swings; a certain emotional lability (I get very easily moved and angry); physical symptoms such as fatigue with pain in particular in the legs and frequent palpitations. In the background then there are distressing thoughts for the future: evolution of my malaise (fear of irreversible damage to my nervous system induced by prolonged use of drugs). What seemed surprising was requent change in symptoms from week to week.

 

At the end I found this site and with it a little hope: I have learned many things, even about my mistakes, and discovered that I’m not alone.

 

Now I’m just surviving and my days are (very) often hard to pass, but there are moments (1 or 2 hours in a day) when I feel this journey through the hell is a long and necessary way to live again, to see the stars again.

 

My long journey to healing has started, and I hope you would support me with your advice.

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by ChessieCat
reformatted text

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, dantesjourney.  (Great user name, by the way.)  Thank you for completing your drug signature.

 

Many if not all of the symptoms you describe are typical of withdrawal.   Doctors often mistake withdrawal for "return of the underlying condition" and prescribe more drugs, creating an ongoing cycle.  Sometimes symptoms linger, sometimes they change from week to week, sometimes it's a combination.  I know the days are hard to pass, but it's a very encouraging sign of healing that there are one two hours a days when you can see some purpose in all this.

 

3 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

my doctor said that the difficulty to stop was a problem of mine because “SSRI don’t give dependence”

Doctors are woefully ignorant of the effects of these drugs and don't believe in the existence of withdrawal.  Our experience, and now yours, have been the opposite.

 

3 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

 

From 2017 drugs seem not work as in the past:

This is common and is known as Tachyphylaxis or "poop-out."

 

3 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

More than nine months have passed since then during which I experienced extremely heavy symptoms that reduced my mental energies and threw me into a profound discomfort that makes it increasingly difficult to carry out my normal activities. Some of the symptoms are those that I have already known in the past

 

So that you have a better idea of what you're experiencing, here are some links on withdrawal and the healing process.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

These explain the healing process really well.

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. Get supplements that are single ingredient (not mixed with other types of supplements).

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

[Leila]

Dear @dantesjourney,

I want to tell you that I'm here, supporting your fight! Keep on and keep care!

We will see the stars again!🙂

[arbor]

Hi @dantesjourney,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Hell.  There must be a special circle in Hell just for AD withdrawal.  I commiserate with every symptom you describe.  I am in my 24th month since my last dose of AD.  All I can say is that I'm still alive, and still finding hope of recovery in the words of others on this site.  I hope that no stress, or very little, comes your way so that you can rest and devote your goodwill to your recovery.  I hold faith that with time you will heal.

 

My best wishes to you,

Arbor

[dantesjourney]

@Gridley

Thank you for your kind welcome to the community.

I apologize for my late in answering but last 2 months (in particular Christmas holidays) was very hard.

I wish You and all the survivors a new year full of what You want.

d

[dantesjourney]

@Leila @arbor

Thank You for yuor post,

I wish you all the best

un abbraccio

d

[dantesjourney]

Dear travel companions,

a brief update on my path to the stars.

It's been a year since I stopped taking the antidepressant and I honestly imagined I was in a better position. 
After a year I thought that many of the symptoms would go away and that the windows could be frequent and long. Instead ...

Instead I am still facing symptoms that make my sleep and awakening problematic (damn adrenaline !!!) and I live with ever-present anxiety. 
Evening windows of well-being are occasional.

Trying to be positive I can say that after a year the situation seems stable overall, even if it is a stable downward.

Every now and then, when the situation is really difficult, someone tries to convince me to resume the drugs, but I really think my choice is irreversible.

I hope that this second year of my drug-free life will consolidate the stability acquired but at a higher level and allow me to enjoy emotions again for longer periods

I wish you all the best from the depths to continue on the path of healing,

D.

 

 

[dantesjourney]

Hello to all survivors,

I post a short update to my log. 
After more than 14 months from the last dose of antidepressant, my recovery path continues quite slowly: some symptoms persist and put me in great difficulty and above all they hit my hopes hardly.

Sleeping is probably my main problem: I fall asleep easily around 11pm but I wake up early around 3am with a strong agitation and if I can go back to sleep I wake up always agitated; 
during the weekend if I try to fall asleep in the afternoon the problem is always waking up, always agitated. 
After these sleepless nights my days are always tiring, also because the lack of sleep is accompanied by pain in the legs and sometimes cramps; 
only towards evening the tiredness and the agitation let go and I can enjoy some brief windows of peace.

I go on trusting that in the end there will be a healing and that once it is achieved I will be able to live my life with more joy and participation.
I wish all the best,
d

[Leila]

My dear @dantesjourney, I can feel a glimmer of hope in your words and this gives peace also to my soul. I know how is difficult, I know how slow it goes but you have your windows, although for you maybe they are short. You had to believe in this!

I don't know if you are taking some supplements. But I want to suggest magnesium for muscle tense and pain and vitamin C (slow release taking before go to bed) for managing cortisolo issues. 

Take care of you, I'm with you!

💖

[dantesjourney]

Dear survivors,

I'm here just to give a short update.

My journey started 28 months ago and It's not finished yet.

I try to be positive and to accept all the troubles on my Path, but it's not Easy.

After a good period during easther holiday, i'm now crossing a big wave started in second half of May.

I'm here visiting the success stories section to have some Hope for the future.

@Leila @arbor @Gridley, you were the ones firstly welcomed me and I want greet you and Wish you all the best.

 

D

Sorry for my english!!!

[arbor]

Dear @dantesjourney  It's so good of you to share your update.  

5 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

I try to be positive and to accept all the troubles on my Path, but it's not Easy.

Yes, yes, yes.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I know you will recover, but in the meantime, I send you hugs and understanding.

 

5 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

a good period during easther holiday

This is an excellent sign.

Thinking of you 💜

Arbor

 

[Ninabird]

@dantesjourney

Good morning! Your Easter window is an fantastic sign! Keep reading those success stories and when it’s your turn to write one, I look forward to reading it. 
Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

Ninabird

[dantesjourney]

@arbor @Ninabird your words were a balm for my fears.

I Need an hug and an injection of Hope: you provided them for me.

thank you so much

[Ninabird]

😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

My pleasure. How are you doing? Are you still in a window? 
NB

[dantesjourney]

@Ninabird

unfortunately no window at the moment, on the contrary I have been sleeping little and badly for two nights. I Hope it Is not the beginning of a wave.

Thanks anyway for your greeting,

D

[Ninabird]

@dantesjourney

Hi my friend. I know what it’s like to have poor sleep. I feel for you. 
I now have a very strict eve routine during WD. I wash my face, brush my teeth, in bed by 9:30 w a book. Lights out at 10. I wear an eye mask every night to block out any light. I keep my room cool. I sleep w a fan for the noise. Up at 6. 
sleep hygiene is critical for me. 
 

Do you have a routine? I understand that WD can really mess w sleep. Have you tried soaking in an Epsom salt bath? Melatonin? 
 

NB
 

 

[arbor]

Dear @dantesjourney  W/d can be such a long haul, and so discouraging.  I second the idea of using melatonin.  It didn't work for me at first, but now it's working better.  I send you warm thoughts of better times coming for you.  During w/d, it can be hard to imagine an improvement, but we can hold it for each other until very slowly, good health returns to us.  I know you will heal.

Thinking of you,

Arbor

[dantesjourney]

@arbor e @Ninabird thank you for your encouragement suggestions.

I started melatonin and It seems to be useful.

Unfortunately last night was very hard: poor sleep, nightmares, awekening with cortisol rush.

Starting a new week like this, seems impossible.

Sending you hugs

d

 

 

[arbor]

Dear @dantesjourneyYes--it is so very hard.  It does feel impossible.  Please know you are in my heart.

Arbor 💜

[dantesjourney]

Today is very hard to me: I am in the worst wave ever. 

I barely can type something on my smartphone.

I Hope that I Will Survive

D

 

 

[arbor]

Dear @dantesjourney  I'm so sorry you're having to suffer.  I can relate to it so well.  Hang in there.  It's not unusual for the symptoms to take a long time to subside.  Have patience.  Time will slowly bring relief.  You are not alone.  Keep in touch.

Hugs and universal kindness to you as you endure,

Arbor

[dantesjourney]

Thank you so much @arbor,

Tonight I need words of comfort 

[arbor]

Yes, I know how despairing it can be, and my heartfelt thoughts are with you @dantesjourney.  

Arbor 💜💜💜

[arbor]

Thinking of you @dantesjourney 🕊️

Arbor

[dantesjourney]

dearest @arbor,

Thank you so much for your thought.

I'm sorry to answer late, but the last ten days have been really difficult to me.

I spent most of the time at home, filled by anxiety and fear: the only breaks were some short walks.

this morning I started feeling a little better, nothing great, but an improvement.

Certainly it is incredible how long the road to recovery is.

I wish you all the best

D

 

[arbor]

Good to hear from you @dantesjourney.  It doesn't matter how long it takes.  I'm glad to hear that there was an improvement, even if just a small or short one.  

12 hours ago, dantesjourney said:

Certainly it is incredible how long the road to recovery is.

This has been very hard to accept.  With improvements now, I'm happy I haven't given up.  Nobody who hasn't gone through this, I think, could understand what it's like--

Thank you for sharing.  

Arbor🌳

 

[rmce72a]

I hope you are still better, Dante. I am worse today than I have been in a long time, and I feel like it's more than just a wave. I really am just so tired of it all. Take care.

 

[andy96gr]

Hello @dantesjourneyhow are you doing now?