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JeanDoe: escitalopram and quetiapine - anhedonia?


JeanDoe

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Good day! I have been lurking here for quite some time now, reading Schizor's thread is what prompted me to post my introduction. I think it triggered my anxiety. 

 

     Let me start by telling ya'll the events that led me here. Last year was a very stressful phase for me. I was taking up visual design for college, was in my 2nd year. Unfortunately, animation was very stressful for me bc my prof at that time didn't give us very much leeway and wasn't really lenient. I think that triggered OCD-like symptoms that attacked all my beliefs abt my life, my morality and who i am. So I went to a psychiatrist and got told I have depression and anxiety without doing any tests yet (though i still think it was OCD after researching and reaching out on ocd forums).  She also prescribed Escitalopram and Quetiapine that first visit. I took 5mg Escitalopram and 12.5mg Quetiapine for the most part but followed the pdoc's instruction to up the dosage to 10mg Escitalopram and 25mg quetiapine. For a month I did, but thank God my mom is a pharmacist (she controls my med intake at that time) and she put me back on 5 mg and 12.5 mg after that month. Fast forward to 5 months on the meds, I thought at first, it was working bc I stopped having any intrusive thoughts but after watching tv shows, I realised I feel really flat.

 

     Growing up I also pride myself in thinking of out of the box concepts, I also breathed art (whether it be music or poetry or paintings or films), it was my only reason to live. So imagine my surprise when I couldn't feel any inspiration at all after watching my favorite films. I also can't enjoy music the way I used to (I liked shoegaze, dream pop, synth pop, alt pop, etc.). I would describe my art as very ethereal and full of symbolisms. Was never one to shy away from exploring occult topics and ideas.  I tried so hard to conceptualize but nothing came. I tried for days, weeks, still trying and it's driving me crazy. I liked dressing up really nice but even doing that doesn't  give me any pleasure at all.  I also identify as a marxist feminist, but lately, I've noticed that I lack the empathy and compassion to still be an activist, it would just feel like I'm virtue signalling. I also can't enjoy my spirituality. I stopped feeling that transcending state I always did. I stopped caring and with all of these erased from me, I don't know who I am anymore. My main concern is the loss of creativity, imagination, and rich emotions. It's important to note that i got these while taking the meds and not after tapering.

 

     Feeling the symptoms above made me come to the decision that I wanna stop but I was forced by my mom to keep taking them even though I had no psychiatric supervision at that time (bc of covid). She told me to just blindly trust on the drugs and to never question my doctor. She even told me to stay at it for 2 years, fortunately, I didn't go down without a fight. After 2 months I convinced her that I really really desperately want to be off of it bc I haven't been doing anything all day but to research my symptoms, read scary stories abt APs, and to worry myself sick. So I was on them for 7 months, tapered both drugs for a month by taking one fourth of them for two weeks and one eighth for two weeks before stopping (I didn't research enough), the dosages I was on were v low, even lower than the advisable working dosages according to drugs.com. I figured that I might be one of the sensitive types. What do ya'll think?  I stopped this October 14th so it's been over a month now.

 

     I quitted school to pursue music btw (I used to be able to intuitively put musical elements that would go well with each other) and I don't think I have the luxury of time to be dealing with this as I'm already 20 (age matters in an industry as cutthroat as this). I tried thinking of pursuing a more practical career (maybe because I won't be back to the way I was before), but I just can't, I'd rather die than to leave the creative field. 

 

These are my side effects or what I think are my side effects (from the drugs and maybe from WD?):

-I get bodily reactions from watching good, heavy movies and listening to heart wrenching songs like shudders, I sometimes even tear up, but my brain doesn't seem to be registering these? As I still feel flat inside? I can still cry and laugh tho. 

- I also abt what ppl about what people would think of me, which for me is a bad thing 

-Taking a trip down memory lane and not being able to assign any emotions to them. 

-depressive and anxious states after reading negative stories (This is why I left all the anhedonia fb groups and transferred here) and negative, ominous and ambiguous tarot/astrology readings (I avoid them atm so as not to jeopardize my healing process). Tarot and horoscopes are all saying the same thing, that I should accept this change and I think I was putting too much thought on what "change" they meant. Does it mean living like a robot forever?

-feeling like I don't want anything from life now but can still motivate myself when it comes to having a healthy lifestyle by thinking I will recover, recovery is the only motivation I have

-loss of spirituality, been forcing myself to pray every night, i feel no connection at all

-less (i mean a huge "less") inner monologues

-cognitive issue? bc I lost my inherent talents, i don't have any aesthetic/artistic preferences now, I don't know what makes an art great or bad

-still don't feel like I'm normal, lost sense of self

-lacking empathy and compassion

-my brain jumped twice inside my head on two occasions (stopped now), idk if this is what yall call a "brain zap"? but it wasn't that distressing for me, i actually felt more relaxed after that... initially thought something inside my head is getting back to normal? what do you guys think?

-increased hearing on my left ear for only a few days, I remember hearing crickets at night and feeling like my left ear was gonna bleed. (Stopped now)

-headaches when meditating

-chest pain now and then, only felt it while and after tapering

-uncomfortable leg sensation for a few nights, found it hard to sleep (stopped now)

-some of intrusive thoughts resurfacing, which I think is a good sign that the drug is leaving my body bc OCD is a chronic disorder and I know I'm bound to get it back after stopping.

 

After reading advices from countless of forums, I've been exercising daily, following that with basic yoga and qi gong, making sure I have atleast 7 hours of sleep, doing some mindfulness meditation, doing an anhedonia brain exercise by listing down pleasurable activities that I can still appreciate, drinking probiotics, watching cat videos which is one of the things that I can still enjoy, meeting the sun outside at noon to get my daily dose of vitamin D, thinking of how recovery would feel like whenever I find myself in a negative thought pattern, listening to music that I used to like for 45 minutes while getting a breather in our balcony trying to gauge any emotions or any signs of my creative thinking returning, imagining music videos for these songs (v mediocre atm), and keeping track of my progress, any progress I notice. I do these daily. I also stopped from drinking any medication (any meds even for menstrual cramps). I also started taking zinc and drinking ginger tea just three days ago but one or both of them upsets/upset my stomach, I recently am having diarrhea and Idk if it's induced by them but I might still give them a chance for weeks to know for sure. 

 

     I guess the main symptoms that I'm experiencing rn is the anhedonia, loss of creative thinking and lack of empathy. I know a lot of the ppl here have worse experiences (I can even imagine how laughable my symptoms are) but, nonetheless, I really really need help bc my career is on the line. I particularly need help in having all my questions answered... I also need reassurance.

 

     First, is quetiapine a reversible dopamine antagonist? Do you all also think my situation is reversible and I could recover 100% (100% meaning my pre med self, pre med creativity), given the length of time that I was on these meds (8 months including the WD process), the v low doses, and quetiapine being a milder antipsychotic compared to the others? I need it to be 100% so bad that I'm willing to wait for a year as long as it's 100%. I'm having doubts too if the meds simply cured me or if it really is anhedonia, if my brain is in its healed form of suppressing emotions (which is is this my normal self without depression/anxiety/ocd and I just don't know it bc I got used to having these conditions premed? I hope not) or does it need healing bc it's a side effect of the drugs I took? I'm not sure. Reading schizor's thread I also am afraid of any protracted withdrawals as my taper went kinda smoothly so what to do to avoid these???? Should I be worried that there isn't a case quite like mine (super low dose, only 8 months, but still experiencing anhedonia) that I've read? 

 

How do we also know if our anhedonia is gradually lifting up? How do we know if we're having windows? I think it I ought to mention that on the night of November 22, which is day 39 of me being off the drugs (I'm keeping tabs), I felt something that I perceive as a window for a v brief moment, I had memories  of my premed self that had emotions, was hit by nostalgia, thought abt my dreams and felt like I could do everything again, visualised music video ideas and thought they were good, listened to a lorde song and felt something inside. Is that a window? I was back to being anhedonic the next day. Is it normal to have a window this early?

 

I am also looking into trying fish oil and magnesium, what brand would be the best? I have the iherb and amazon apps. Also, am planning to get a job bc I want my life to continue while awaiting my recovery, but it's a night shift... would that be ok, won't it jeopardize my healing process? I am also open to any recommendations? What else can I try to speed up my recovery process? pls refrain from recommending any strong mind altering substances... I swore them all off.

 

Sorry if it's a long post, Thanks in advance. 🤍

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to JeanDoe: Escitalopram + Quetiapine and anhedonia (?)
  • Moderator

Hi JD and welcome aboard,

I did take a read through your introductory post, and wanted to get you started.

So....a little over a month now, off both medications, escitalopram and zyprexa.

It looks like you may have tapered both together, and fairly rapidly, after 7 months of use.

 

We usually promote a more cautious approach:

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

And when multiple medications are involved:

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

You have most of the information in your narrative above, and so, could you now:

Please summarize your withdrawal history in your signature

This is the section that you will see under other members posts and is different from your confidential profile information.  It's very helpful for us, to see, at a glance, where you are at.  And then we can offer more suggestions and information too.  Take a look at the link, and it explains how to do a signature.

 

It does sound like you are, at present, doing a lot of non-drug coping for symptoms.  That's great!

 

You sound like, yes, you may be having some WD(withdrawal) symptoms now.

What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

Dr. Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur. And sleep is really important during withdrawal. 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system.   Best to always just add one new thing, at a time though, and start with a low dose, while continually observing, before increasing or adding anything else.

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

And I know I have not addressed all your questions, as yet.  Give a try at the signature, as soon as you can and then also let us know how you are doing too.  Right here is fine, on your introduction page/topic. You have now introduced yourself to the community, you can ask further questions here, give updates, and just keep a record of your journey.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

 

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to JeanDoe: escitalopram and quetiapine - anhedonia?

@manymoretodays thank you for taking the time to respond. I also already placed a signature.

 

      As for how I'm doing right now, I'm going to explain everything in detail... I guess I'm really confused abt so many things. I don't seem to know what my normal self is, what if I'm normal and I'm just overthinking these? What if it's all just "placebo"? Most of my perceived physical wd effects have gone now which I think means they were only mild. I only occasionally feel chest pains. My biggest problem rn is the anhedonia which I think is mild too bc I can still have a hearty laugh when my sister cracks a joke (we share a bedroom and I won't have to worry abt needing constant social interaction) and can still feel bad abt myself, cry and self pity sometimes. My family doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through and think I'm v privileged to be worrying abt things that are shallow. I feel bad when that happens and cry sometimes. I also don't think it's shallow? bc I dreamt of being a household name artist from a v young age. All the things I did in my 20 years of existence has been done to reach that goal and I don't wanna just give it up. So I'm distancing myself from them and keeping things to myself. I'm aware that I need to work smarter and harder if I recover if I wanna keep up with the others.

 

     I think I might have anhedonia tho bc I can't seem to feel the movies I'm watching, I avoid tvs now. I also have musical anhedonia, it felt like noise at first but I'm forcing myself to feel something... faking it til I make it? I get the shudders when the intense parts come but I still don't feel anything inside. Sometimes tho, I would feel something really faint inside but still it wasn't as rich as it was in my premed days (one song can make me feel like I'm floating, like i'm getting stronger and stronger subconsciously, can make me come up with hundreds of good ideas, it was a gift, and the meds erased it from me) and it isn't a consistent phenomena. I tried reading novels too, last week I read "Memoirs of  a Geisha", my usual self would feel awed and I would think about the story for days. But the day after finishing the book, I forgot most parts of it and would try so hard to recall them. I also can't write good poetry now, definitely can't play with the words, less vocabulary, seems like i only write stuff that aren't original. Ideas are mediocre and repetitive. I used to be v sensitive when it comes to art... even movie/music video lightings can set off multitudes of emotions inside of me now I'm v v desensitized. I avoid socmeds (I'm following many photography and art accs) bc I don't want to face what I lost. I'm focusing rn on supporting my body's healing process in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to having my full range of emotions back. So pls tell me I can recover everything 100% again. I never wanted anything so bad in my life, if they come back, I will never ever take anything for granted again.

 

     I also lost any empathy for other people. I don't watch the news now bc I couldn't care less. I stopped educating myself on various social and political issues. I feel kinda selfish too despite identifying as socialist/commie/far left wing before. I kinda have doubts now, I feel like I will be a v selfish person someday (which i think is the worst kind of person). I don't want to be like this tho. I'm getting back some intrusive thoughts and obsessions, like sometimes I would debate trivial stuff in my head for days (e. g. should i give a penny to the poor if I don't have a job myself, will i be the type of person to hoard wealth someday, Should I be forgiving, should i be this way or that) I think it's great that I'm getting them back... it might mean the drugs' effects are starting to wear off but it can also be induced by withdrawal, i hope not. Anyway, my plan is if it ever comes back full force, to just do ERT instead of taking any meds again. 

 

     I also get occasional anxiety over tarot readings, astrology readings. Sometimes I resort to them when I need reassurance but with every negative reading I get, the anxiety just piles up. ;-; So I'm avoiding them atm but there are times when I overthink what I've read and get caught up in negativity. Like what if I'm fated to be like this? What if this derailing experience means my path lies elsewhere? I tried so hard to accept that maybe I need to reevaluate my career but I keep coming back to the artistic profession which shows how much I want this.

 

     That's pretty much it. I want to hear abt what you guys think. Thank you.

 

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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I think I also made an inaccurate drug history in my profile (the one which is only visible to the staff) but can't seem to change it? I also just remembered that I didn't up my quetiapine dosage despite being told to by my pdoc but I did with the escitalopram. Sorry 😔... so many inconsistencies in my first post and signature. I'm 100% certain abt what I placed in my signature tho so pls refer to it.

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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  • Moderator

Hi JD,

That's okay on the profile.  We'll see the accurate drug/tapering history in your signature.

And thank you for getting the signature done.

 

As far as the anhedonia goes, we do have a topic:  Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, and emotional anesthesia

And then the tearfulness, and other emotional states:  neuroemotions

These may be at play now, and so it's not that you are being shallow.

You mention a bit about where you were/felt before taking the medications/drugs and this is also important to work on now.  We do promote what we call, non-drug coping.

non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

you'll see a whole indexed list of things to look at and perhaps begin to practice in the first post there.  And if you scroll down you'll find some on "anxiety" too.

 

Given your age and all, some of your questioning and adjustments, in your thinking is really normal I would say.  Maybe even some of the symptoms that led to medication in the first place.  And most always......there will be a return to normal, with time, after WD.  Sometimes, just knowing that you may feel a bit off kilter due to WD, helps to take away some of the guilt or shame.  I don't know that you need to totally fake it, until you make it..........just find your confidantes, or pick them wisely.  You can certainly add to other topics here, and communicate with other members on their introduction or via PM(private messaging) too.

 

"Most of my perceived physical wd effects have gone now which I think means they were only mild."

 

And my gosh, that's wonderful, that most of the acute WD you felt, has now improved. 

What other physical symptoms did you have that have now improved?

You mentioned the chest pain lingering a bit.

 

Just keep on healing.  Best. 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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     Thank u for responding. I've read the links. I feel like I'm really oversensitive (which is prolly why the doctor labeled me as having anxiety and depression) even way before meds, so i wasn't too concerned abt having these emotions (artists usually have powerful emotions) just the fact that I'm so confused abt who I'm supposed to be, my preferences, what makes me happy, what inspires me, what I wanna achieve in life, what my purpose is, i don't recognize myself that's why I spend so much time thinking how I should act, if my actions align to my past self. Everything has been erased. If I didn't take the meds, I swear I can make a book of all the things that makes me "me". I still can feel things, I can be hurt, I can laugh if I think a joke's funny, I can appreciate a delicious meal, I don't have pssd. These aren't v important to me tho. The important things are gone. It's like my brain knows too well the things that genuinely makes me happy and decided to target them. I don't really feel anything when I go outside and observe nature, or get excited over planning a trip with my friends, or any stuff that used to nourish me emotionally. Like there's no quality of life now. I can feel it... the block in my head, if anhedonia means not feeling any pleasure, then I think it's anhedonia. I mostly do things that would pass time... but nothing that would make me feel like I have a purpose, or that would lead to my higher self bc I just... don't know.

 

     Having read abt neuroemotions tho, there was a time after tapering when I was really hostile w everyone bc I felt v hopeless after researching studies abt APs, blamed my mom for making me stay on the meds and wanted to damage the pdoc's reputation who prescribed me an AP, I thought it was normal tho bc who here doesn't feel victimized? I was having suicidal thoughts, even messaged my friend abt my suicidal plans, bc I thought I lost the only thing I'm good at (art) forever. I was envious of everyone around me bc they can enjoy tv, music, art, they seemed so sure of who they are and where they're heading. I'm much more calm now tho after my sister talked some sense into me. I agree maybe the thoughts I'm experiencing rn are normal... maybe I'm thinking way too much into it, maybe they aren't obsessions? Before meds it was so much worse, I was having serial killerish thoughts, if whether rape is really bad, thoughts abt stealing, if I can hurt a cat, if I would be the next Hitler, if i'm racist and homophobic despite being a poc and bi myself, they were all absurd. If they were to come back, I will just stick to therapies. 

 

Symptoms that have improved/are gone: restless legs at night, increased hearing on my left ear, brain jumping sensation, headaches when meditating, i didn't find them distressing bc they were all short lived. 

 

I can handle the chest pains too... I think my main concerns are anhedonia, lack of empathy, spiritual connection, personality. I need my inner world back. 

 

2 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

And most always......there will be a return to normal, with time, after WD.

I hope so... I've read somewhere around here that ppl can't go back to their 100% premed self, that we will never be the same again, this is why I need reassurance... maybe low doses for 7 months isn't as bad, maybe what i felt the other day is a window, maybe the fact that i can still feel some things is a good sign, i need to hear everything to get me out of this anxiety sitch  ._. I just have to keep my fingers crossed. 

 

Thanks again.

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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  • Moderator

Oh good, you've been reading and getting around the site a bit.  After I read your most recent post, I immediately thought of this forum:

Finding Meaning

 

Hoping you can find a topic or two there, to contribute to, or to connect with others around.

 

Yes, you'll come back intact JeanDoe.  It just may take a bit of time, and hey, you've got time.

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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I will check it out @manymoretodays.

18 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

Yes, you'll come back intact JeanDoe.  It just may take a bit of time, and hey, you've got time.

 

Thank you so so much for this and I can wait.

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hello....... 

Dec 9th is my 2 month mark being off medications. I have been following through with my recovery routine (see first post). erm... I guess I just need to know for sure if I'm doing this the right way because I still can't feel. Some say we anhedonia sufferers need to take our minds off of things to recover, to avoid the things we used to love and explore new ones if it reminds us of our situations but some say it's better to fake it til we make it, to keep doing our passions until we feel them again. I guess I'm kinda confused. What I realized is if I let myself forget my condition, I don't have any motivation to deal with life at all, I would be like a ship with no rudder. I'm not sure about "acceptance" as it would feel like I will just forget who I am, I need to remember and put my focus on it to find my way back to myself. Atleast... that's how I see it. Is it good to retrain my brain (which I'm doing right now by listening to music again and again throughout the day, forcing my emotions out and trying to activate my imagination again)? Or would it be better to just leave it for now... and let my brain do all the healing by itself. Idk... I'm confused and worried if the way I do it will just exacerbate my situation... but I feel like it's better to proactively reach 100% recovery than to be passive abt it. Am I wrong? 

 

I also am kinda worried bc I never really got a diagnosis but my pdoc told me that I most likely have anxiety and depression, if depression means feeling things deeply, being empathetic to other ppl's suffering, is getting rid of it a wise thing? Some of the activities I do right now like getting Vitamin D outside alleviates depression, I just wonder... If I was depressed before meds, if that was depression, then I want my "depression" back. So I might be contradicting the kind of recovery I want.  I am so confused.

 

Pls help me... I really have no one to talk to irl abt this, my family situation is kinda bad too. My friends and I grew apart bc of covid and I can't really share some of my burdens with them, not anymore, as it feels like they're getting tired of hearing the same things again and again. I need every support I can get. The only thing that keeps me alive is the idea of recovering as this condition robbed me of my dreams, meaning and purpose. I have nothing without these. I feel like God is punishing me for reasons I'm unaware of bc it's been constant losses for me, I'm losing everything, it's the only thing that I like abt myself and I lost it too. Please, thanks in advance. 

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

 

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:    (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq      on 13th November 2021

Woohoo!!!  Finally off Pristiq    Post 0 updates start here

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

My full tapering program     My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)    My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.  Please DO NOT TAG me - thank you.

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thanks...

February 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

March 2020 - Escitalopram 10mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

April 2020 - September 2020 - Escitalopram 5mg, Quetiapine 12.5mg

September 16, 2020 - September 30, 2020 - Escitalopram 2.5mg, Quetiapine 6.25mg

October 1, 2020 - October 14, 2020 - Escitalopram 1.25mg, Quetiapine 3.125mg

October 15, 2020 - onwards - Medication-free 

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On 12/5/2020 at 11:22 PM, JeanDoe said:

I also am kinda worried bc I never really got a diagnosis but my pdoc told me that I most likely have anxiety and depression, if depression means feeling things deeply, being empathetic to other ppl's suffering, is getting rid of it a wise thing? Some of the activities I do right now like getting Vitamin D outside alleviates depression, I just wonder... If I was depressed before meds, if that was depression, then I want my "depression" back. So I might be contradicting the kind of recovery I want.  I am so confused.

 

Hi JeanDoe,

So are you telling us that you are feeling worse now, since off the medications,  than before you even began taking them?

I know that has happened to many of us.

Your exercise and sleep routines, that you mention all sound good right now. 

And no, I don't think that feeling deeply or having empathy is a fault, or a condition.  It does sound like you are still struggling a bit with the anhedonia.  And are feeling a bit unsure, if this is how it always will be.

I don't think you are contradicting anything......as far as your recovery goes. 

No one is completely the same, from one minute to the next.

I wonder if you have any non-drug people you could talk with, and explore, how to move once again, into the kind of person you want to be?  You get to find yourself again.  I know it often helps me to envision things, going forward, as to how I'd like them and me, to be even.  I think it makes it more possible for changes to come about that way.

 

Sometimes, embracing confusion is okay too.  Get it all down on paper.  Do you journal at all, or do any writing?  After confusion comes clarity.

Keep on though, just keep on expecting better days.  Or days of less turmoil.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • 1 month later...
  • Administrator

@JaneDoe how are you doing?

 

On 12/5/2020 at 10:22 PM, JeanDoe said:

I guess I just need to know for sure if I'm doing this the right way because I still can't feel. Some say we anhedonia sufferers need to take our minds off of things to recover, to avoid the things we used to love and explore new ones if it reminds us of our situations but some say it's better to fake it til we make it, to keep doing our passions until we feel them again. I guess I'm kinda confused. What I realized is if I let myself forget my condition, I don't have any motivation to deal with life at all, I would be like a ship with no rudder.

 

No, do not avoid the things you love. Get as much enjoyment as you can out of them, and out of new things, too. Be patient with yourself, allow your feelings to very gradually recover, along with your sense of reward. Try not to worry about this, believe in your recovery instead, this will nurture it.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

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