CPTSD/Trauma/etc

[leavingorganon]

Here are some good online resources for CPTSD: 

 

https://www.outofthestorm.website

 

https://www.havoca.org

 

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I'm curious to know what this community thinks of the subjects of trauma, emotional/narcissistic abuse, and CPTSD. 

 

I've been reading some of Pete Walker's work and it's been absolutely helpful in my journey to rely less and less on psychiatric meds. 

 

I found this particular article useful to deal with Emotional Feedback (i.e. emotional spiral in this community's parlance). Specifically the table at the end with the 13 steps to deal with the flashback. 

Edited November 15, 2023 by getofflex
added some links for online CPTSD support

[Marian]

Hey, thanks for the article. I struggle with complex ptsd, i believe. I have some childhood trauma, but more adult trauma in a narcissistic relationship. Also the medication, treatment and withdrawal (psychosis) caused a trauma in itself. Still have all the symptoms, but Pete Walker was useful for me too! 

 

How are you doing now?  

[hayduke]

Resonates here.

 

When I was drugged I was the 'sick one' in my family and it was all said to be genetic!  ***ed for life, poor hayduke, tut tut, how sad.  How convenient for everyone else.

 

The reality that has been emerging in part looks like trauma from being sexually abused as a small child, raped in early 20s, narcissistic traits in one parent and serious dysfunction in the other.  I am pretty sure there is intergenerational trauma in play which I'd like to learn more about.

 

I now have a useful working diagnosis of C-PTSD and am well on my way out of the quicksand I was left for dead in, healing, with a lot more wisdom about how to steer clear of toxic people.

 

Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is a key work worth mentioning.

 

 

[getofflex]

Yes, I have CPTSD.  I had a malignant narcissistic mother who abused me physically and mentally, and was neglectful.  There was some very twisted psychological abuse.  She turned my 3 siblings against me in early adulthood even.  I believe this caused me anxiety and depression, and this is why I was put on drugs.  I believe that if I had received the proper help and support, I wouldn't have needed drugs.  In the 1980's, when I was seeking help, little was known about narcissism and CPTSD.  I'm glad there is more awareness about this. 

 

I believe that if we are in the throes of WD, it probably better to avoid digging up past trauma, but if the narcissist or whoever is still wreaking havoc in your life, (which mine were), it has to be dealt with.  Things in my family were sort of tolerable in the recent years, but once the COVID lockdown hit, the narcissistic insanity flared up again.  

Edited November 15, 2023 by getofflex

[hayduke]

12 hours ago, getofflex said:

I believe that if we are in the throes of WD, it probably better to avoid digging up past trauma, but if the narcissist or whoever is still wreaking havoc in your life, (which mine were), it has to be dealt with.  Things in my family were sort of tolerable in the recent years, but once the COVID lockdown hit, the narcissistic insanity flared up again.

 

That really resonates.  I was heavily into deep trauma work in the later stages of my wd and post wd.  I won't attempt that work at that phase next time.

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, hayduke said:

That really resonates.  I was heavily into deep trauma work in the later stages of my wd and post wd.  I won't attempt that work at that phase next time.

Kinda wishing I'd told my therapist that I wasn't up for delving so deeply into the trauma, but then again I tend to have a "how bad can it be, I'm tough" attitude and only realize in hindsight something was a bad idea. I have nothing to compare it to, but I have been wondering if the loop I was thrown for would have been so big if meds weren't changing? Live and learn, I guess! 

[hayduke]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

Kinda wishing I'd told my therapist that I wasn't up for delving so deeply into the trauma, but then again I tend to have a "how bad can it be, I'm tough" attitude and only realize in hindsight something was a bad idea. I have nothing to compare it to, but I have been wondering if the loop I was thrown for would have been so big if meds weren't changing? Live and learn, I guess! 

 

Yeah there has to be a balance.  I wouldn't have been able to do my major healing with EMDR if I hadn't been tapering at the time.  I think that portion was really helpful.

 

Later in wds and after I think I got overambitious with trying to make a timeline of adverse events.  It was so triggering.  It makes sense to me now that not giving myself constant flashbacks will be the way forward the next time.  Reading Pete Walker's CPTSD Handbook has helped with that perspective.

[littlebird]

On 11/15/2023 at 8:49 PM, hayduke said:

Reading Pete Walker's CPTSD Handbook has helped with that perspective.

Sorry for the late response, I lost track of this thread! Love Pete Walker's work, one of my favorite authors (and I find he presents things in a safer way than the Body Keeps the Score guy did). 

 

On 11/15/2023 at 8:49 PM, hayduke said:

Later in wds and after I think I got overambitious with trying to make a timeline of adverse events.  It was so triggering.

That timeline of adverse events is brutal. Did it in a support group once, had to ask for a second page. There was so much I hadn't realized was traumatic at the time, then in the introduction of the activity realized a lot of my "normal" was trauma. Gladly haven't had someone ask for another one of those! 

 

On 11/15/2023 at 8:49 PM, hayduke said:

 It makes sense to me now that not giving myself constant flashbacks will be the way forward the next time

So hard to set limits with myself, I tend to push push push... but maybe part of the cPTSD homework is taking breaks and not being stuck in "drive."

 

How have you been doing with cPTSD these days? Have you found anything that helps?

[hayduke]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Sorry for the late response, I lost track of this thread! Love Pete Walker's work, one of my favorite authors (and I find he presents things in a safer way than the Body Keeps the Score guy did). 

 

That timeline of adverse events is brutal. Did it in a support group once, had to ask for a second page. There was so much I hadn't realized was traumatic at the time, then in the introduction of the activity realized a lot of my "normal" was trauma. Gladly haven't had someone ask for another one of those! 

 

So hard to set limits with myself, I tend to push push push... but maybe part of the cPTSD homework is taking breaks and not being stuck in "drive."

 

How have you been doing with cPTSD these days? Have you found anything that helps?

Definitely take it easy in wds and afterwards.  I started compiling my timeline just to sort it all out for once and all, and to prepare to seek damages.  I think it will be helpful with therapists in future, too.  But it was too much to take on at that stage of long term withdrawal - I wound up having daily flashbacks, part of the hot water I was in this year.  Another part was the emotional release of years and years of drug-suppressed emotions, another reason I will take my next endgame taper more slowly, along with dopamine supersensitivity.

 

That's really validating to hear someone else has come up with the concept of the timeline.  But I would be careful just expecting that to go well in a group class, because it can so quickly become overwhelming.  It seems to me that flashbacks are often mistaken for psychosis.

 

I might use my time while I am still on a considerable dosage to do things like refine the timeline and review my medical records, while sedated.  Though I still don't want to open the recent ones and might well not.

 

Sensible limits are really good.  I feel like I've done the major healing I need to to function well, and while there is a ton more I'd like to resolve, it can probably wait for now.  I may do some EMDR during my next taper, but I will park the remainder for 5 years down the road or something if it bugs me.  I wish my psychologist had been more aware of the mechanics of my taper.

 

At this stage, since being re-drugged, I don't notice more than a few flashbacks a week and they are usually pretty quickly damped.  So I don't have to do much to manage the condition except be mindful for now.  I am looking forward to being on a lower dose and able to do some healing work again.  Despite what I've written above, I would much rather look my demons in the eye than pretend everything is cool when they're locked in the basement and making a racket.  Probably best to let them up one at a time though 🙂

Edited December 11, 2023 by hayduke

[FeralCatman]

This link is a great description of trauma and why it is so hard but not impossible to recover from. I found it very useful.

 

This article explains exactly why I'm having a hard time now and why I've always had a hard time and also that you can heal from it but it is very hard. So I think my therapist is right a lot of what's going on now is becoming less about the drug withdrawal and more about no longer having my emotions suppressed and all this stuff is coming back to bite me in the ass.

Why it's hard to heal from trauma | Three challenges of trauma
https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/three-challenges-of-trauma-why-recovery-is-so-hard/