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tryingtosurvive330: Extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach


tryingtosurvive330

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  • Mentor
On 1/13/2021 at 9:17 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Feeling no hope for the future in general. Personally and just everything about the world. Working on it with my therapist but everything that I know I should do to reframe my thinking just feels like it’s nothing and in the moment I have low motivation to believe in stuff or even to want to. I just feel really lost. 

Hi Trying

I went through a period of absolute apathy and feeling "empty" during therapy.  My therapist was very patient and finally got me to start using CBT and other coping strategies.  Give yourself some time and don't judge yourself too harshly.  Since recovery, I've heard this period called "the dark night of the soul", when your anxious thoughts and negative feelings ease up, but before you feel anything positive or like you're recovering.  Trust me, it won't last forever--its actually a sign you're in the early stages of recovery.  

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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tryingtosurvive330

@mstimc thank you for the encouragement and the info. If you can see that this means I'm in early stages of recovery, I will try to believe it. It's really hard.

 

I deleted my social media and news apps but the last couple days have sought out info on covid and vaccines and that's partly why I felt really resigned to what the world is going through. I felt like I remained logical and somewhat optimistic and not too worried over the last year but now I'm scared of everything and feel like I can't make it til we get everything under control. I know (hope) I will but it's so slow and I have zero patience and this results in frustration, anger and sadness. The mornings are those times of "emptiness".

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Mentor

Yes, many people (including me) have experienced morning cortisol spikes; mornings are often the most anxious time of day for many people in recovery.   You can't blame yourself for feeling stressed during this crisis.  We're temporarily living in Portugal but our son is in grad school in Michigan.  We're Californians too, so we're dealing with the virus outbreak in three different places, and having our son being 5,000 miles away makes it even more stressful.  

 

My wife and I have been doing some online mindfulness and meditation classes that help us keep some perspective.  They've helped--we allow ourselves to reserve some time to stop worrying and let the negative thoughts go, at least for a while.  Its really helped get us through this insanity. 

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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tryingtosurvive330

@mstimc During the "dark night of the soul" were you unable to smile? I feel like I can't smile, I sit blankly for a long time, stare off into space not caring, have the tv on but don't pay attention. I say that I don't care but really I hate this feeling and feel depressed about it. I want to be able to feel some happiness. I don't know if that's the same as apathy. But I do feel empty.

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Mentor

Oh yes.  It was almost impossible for me to enjoy anything.  "Emptiness" is a great way to describe it.  But right in the middle of it, I got my first real window.   Our son was in junior high jazz band at I was at a concert.  I was able to focus on the pure joy on his face playing guitar, and for maybe 10 or 15 minutes I was overcome with his joy.  It didn't last long, but it gave me something I could hold on to during the darker phases.  Try to find something that gives you just a few minutes of joy and build on that.

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post

I’ve also abandoned news and social media.  Everything is negative and skewed.

 

A good question would be if you were this way before meds?  If not, it’s withdrawal.

 

I always ask myself if it’s just me and then I say i had anxiety but I didn’t have anxiety this bad.  

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

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tryingtosurvive330

@Jennings I thought about that, and the first time I got really depressed I don't think I ever had feelings of wanting to die. But it was a long time ago and my memory is blurry now. The anxiety was awful and I was scared of everything but then I went on stupid zoloft. 

 

The second time I don't think I had the dying feelings either. And that was within 6 months of coming off zoloft and bad taper, and huge change in job and relationships.

 

So I'm confused on this one. I did notice I still have very slight brain zaps, only when I look to the left.

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Administrator
17 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

11:20pm Went to bed

11:45pm Awake

12am Fell asleep

4:51am Woke up - Michael Sealey youtube

5am Woke up, Michael Sealey

6am Woke up, Michael Sealey

7am Woke up but had already been in state of consciousness. Small anxiety in chest

 

I'm a big fan of Michael Sealey's sleep videos, too. 

 

You actually got a really good chunk of sleep from midnight until almost 5 am. I now it's not restorative sleep, but it's really good for someone going through withdrawal. You may find some helpful tips here:

 

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

You may also want to go to bed earlier. Alto posted this in the Melatonin thread:

 

On 4/6/2011 at 9:26 PM, Altostrata said:

Your adrenals also run on a sleep schedule of approximately 10 p.m. to dawn. They tend to reactivate if you stay up later, which may keep you from sleeping. If you can, get to bed by 10 p.m. and retrain your sleep cycle.

 

16 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Shep, based on my initial story, do you believe I am in WD?

 

I do. Here is a list of withdrawal symptoms:

 

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

 

 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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14 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@Jennings I thought about that, and the first time I got really depressed I don't think I ever had feelings of wanting to die. But it was a long time ago and my memory is blurry now. The anxiety was awful and I was scared of everything but then I went on stupid zoloft. 

 

The second time I don't think I had the dying feelings either. And that was within 6 months of coming off zoloft and bad taper, and huge change in job and relationships.

 

So I'm confused on this one. I did notice I still have very slight brain zaps, only when I look to the left.

 

tryingtosurvive - I can relate to your feelings, I think your 'wanting-to-die'-feelings might be a result of your exhaustion and many 'I just can't bear it any longer' -moments. I also often have those moments when I just want things to STOP. But deep down, I'm sure, you'd much prefer to be able to feel joy and happiness, surrounded by your brother and his children, than to be dead. I think those 'I wanna be dead'-thoughts are shortcut-pesudo-solutions of our minds. They are so understandable, but don't pay too much attention to them, just let them float around and focus on things that will get you through the moment. ♥️

Fluoxetine (Prozac) (25mg?) from December 2002 - November 2005 for anxiety/depression

Effexor (Venlafaxine) Retard (75mg) due to Panic attacks from November 2005 until around May 2020 when I started tapering off from 75mg to about 33mg in September. Accidentially missed a dose and naively went cold turkey from around 33mg to zero on 26th of September. I am in week 13 without the drug now. I've tried CBD oil and htp5 for a while, currently taking Omega 3 (1400mg) and magnesium (800mg).

25th December: Reinstated Venlafaxine with one bead (0.3/0.4mg) in the evening, proceeding with two beads (0.7/0.8mg) per day around noon. Started taking the magensium on the same day, so not sure if this might have a masking effect.

01th January: Updosed to 3beads (around 1mg) of Venlafaxine, so far no adverse reaction

2nd January: Back to 2beads of Venlafaxine, also 1/4 Diazepam, 12mg Lyrica.

3rd January: 3 beads of Venlafaxine, 12mg Lyrica

4th January: 3 beads of Venlafaxine, 12mg Lyrica

since 5th January: 3 beads of Venlafaxine daily and nothing else except fish oil and magnesium. No changes in daily routine

15th January: up to 4 beads

                        

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tryingtosurvive330

Thanks Shep. Will aim to lay in bed 10pm or before. There were days I dreaded bed because it meant the morning was near. Now it's kind of the opposite because it means the day is over.

 

Continued from Jan 14 right after I took my .15mg escitalopram:

 

9am-2pm Felt blank and empty all day. Sat in sun for an hour-ish. Read news. Didn't scare me but just continued my thought process on...it's going to be a long time before normal.

1-2:40pm working

2:40pm small lunch, first food of the day

3-5pm working. Had IT issues, frustrated, was irritable towards very nice IT guy. I felt bad. probably neuro emotion which was really frustrating.

7pm Facetimed family. Nice to see them but made me sad.

8pm Facetimed friend. Just felt really blank again. Didn't feel like saying words because I didn't feel like a person.

8:30pm Dinner. Possibly one of the largest meals in a week or so, still not a lot but felt incredibly overfull.

8:45pm sitting blankly on the couch. Texting/reading news/tv in background. Very tired.

10:30pm laid in bed with ipad/netflix on for some noise.

11-11:30pm awake, likely fell asleep right before/around midnight

4:45am woke up. Calm sleep story

5:25am woke up. Calm sleep story

6:30am woke up. Calm sleep story

6:50am woke up. Michael Sealey. 

7:45am woke up. In last hour, kept jolting awake until this time. Same feelings as last 2-3 days. Low anxiety, low mood. Slight upset stomach again, went to restroom, small bowel movement.

8-8:10am SAD lamp

8:10-8:20 Calm meditation

 

 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Administrator
17 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Thanks Shep. Will aim to lay in bed 10pm or before.

 

This sounds like a good idea. Hopefully you'll see some improvements in sleep over time.

 

I know having something playing in the background can be helpful for calming purposes, but you may want to switch to a radio or turn to reading instead of using an iPad. Turning off electronics a couple of hours before bedtime can improve sleep. On the other hand, it looks like using an iPad for sleep meditations throughout the night is helping you get through this. Might be good to experiment and try a radio or read for a night and see if that helps improve your sleep. Please see: 

 

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep

 

Also, are you using light-blocking glasses? Please see:

 

Light-sensitive? Try blocking out blue light

 

I get home from work around 7:30 or 8 PM each night and the first thing I do is put on my UVEX blue light blocking glasses. My eyes immediately relax and I start to get sleepy. Might be worth a try, especially if you're finding Netflix and meditations on the computer to be helpful in the evening. At least the glasses will help mitigate the effects of the screen. 

 

Also, wearing a sleep mask at night to block out any early morning light can help extend your sleep. You're still getting a good solid chunk of sleep from midnight to almost 5 AM, so it looks like the reinstatement isn't making your sleep worse. 

 

How do you feel overall about the reinstatement? 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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tryingtosurvive330
16 hours ago, Shep said:

 

I know having something playing in the background can be helpful for calming purposes, but you may want to switch to a radio or turn to reading instead of using an iPad. Turning off electronics a couple of hours before bedtime can improve sleep. On the other hand, it looks like using an iPad for sleep meditations throughout the night is helping you get through this. Might be good to experiment and try a radio or read for a night and see if that helps improve your sleep. Please see: 

I knew that what I am doing is not the healthiest, but for some reason right now it provides more comfort and I feel a little nervous about doing something else (reading or radio). I do have blue blockers, but left them at the office which I’ve not been to in weeks. I may order another pair. I do have the “night shift” turned on the iPad which is supposed to help with warmer colors, but not sure if that actually works versus the glasses which you can physically tell block out the blue light. last night though, I did turn off the iPad completely before 11 and was able to fall asleep on my own, but I had taken Zyrtec at about 8pm. The winds were very bad here and I was sneezing all day. So I’m not sure if it was due to that. Also, I have been using the eye mask but only put it on the first time I wake up, because it’s usually still dark. 
 

Today was day 5 of reinstatement, and now I feel I do not want to try to increase the dose. I am a little more confident in my measuring and have tried to erase from my head that a small dose could not work. Everything should be lowest therapeutic dose, right? And clearly I was overprescribed initially, plus it was clearly not a good drug for me (I would sleep through full weekends ignoring the fact that that was completely abnormal). Yesterday and today I felt very slightly more normal. Not to say I feel good at all. 
 

continued from Jan 15th:

9am 0.15 escitalopram. Low mood. 
11am sat in sun for 30 mins and texted a couple friends. Felt a tiny bit lighter

12:20pm very small lunch (less than a fistful of food) but the second day in a row I could eat at normal lunchtime.

1-4pm work. Then read a lot of news which I was trying to stay away from. But it did not cause me anxiety. 
6pm dinner, normal portion and I was able to eat easily. 
9:20pm Zyrtec for allergies

10pm small craving/hunger so ate slice of cheese

10:15pm laid in bed with iPad on low sound and dimmed. Turned it off before 11

11pm-12am fell asleep somewhere in here

6:30am woke up, some dreaming. tried to go back to sleep because felt groggy (probably from Zyrtec) and put on eye mask

7:45am woke up again

8am sad lamp for ten mins

8:10am Calm meditation

9-11am FaceTimed friend

11:20-12pm sat in sun. Felt awake. But no work today so felt less pressure

12:50pm normal sized lunch

all day sat on couch and texted friends, read news, watched tv. 
7pm dinner, ate well. 
 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

I did do the 0.15mg escitalopram today, just forgot to put it in my notes. I did it at 8:50am, just a few minutes earlier than normal. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330
On 1/15/2021 at 5:25 AM, Manati said:

I think those 'I wanna be dead'-thoughts are shortcut-pesudo-solutions of our minds. They are so understandable, but don't pay too much attention to them, just let them float around and focus on things that will get you through the moment. ♥️

I like the thought that these are shortcut pseudo emotions. I will try to think of them as not being real. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Administrator
6 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Everything should be lowest therapeutic dose, right?

 

I think we're saying the same thing, but I would use the term the "effective" dose instead of "therapeutic" dose. You're trying to get just enough of the drug into your system that you're able to tone down some of the symptoms caused by dependency to that drug. 

 

This post may be helpful in its descriptions: 

 

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

 

It really is a remodel of the entire autonomic nervous system, not just the brain, but the analogies are really good in that post. 

 

 

6 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I did turn off the iPad completely before 11 and was able to fall asleep on my own, but I had taken Zyrtec at about 8pm.

 

6 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

11pm-12am fell asleep somewhere in here

6:30am woke up, some dreaming. tried to go back to sleep because felt groggy (probably from Zyrtec) and put on eye mask

7:45am woke up again

 

You're right that it could have been the Zyrtec, but you did get 6.5 hours of sleep, which is an improvement. So maybe turning off the iPad before 11 was helpful. Might be worth experimenting and trying that again for a few more nights. 

 

Are you able to resolve any of your allergy problems using a netty pot or other natural remedies? Adding in off-and-on allergy drugs can cause problems in the long term. Just a thought, might be worth googling for some natural allergy remedies. 

 

6 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

12:20pm very small lunch (less than a fistful of food) but the second day in a row I could eat at normal lunchtime.
6pm dinner, normal portion and I was able to eat easily. 

10pm small craving/hunger so ate slice of cheese

 

12:50pm normal sized lunch
7pm dinner, ate well. 

 

I just pulled a few line from your last journal. This is a definite improvement. 

 

It looks like the overall symptoms are improving with the reinstatement. Please continue your notes. Hope you continue to see improvements in sleep and in eating over the coming days. 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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tryingtosurvive330

Thank you Shep, I have tried the neti pot for my allergies, and nothing has seemed to work except Zyrtec. I’ve had them bad since I was little. Even the other otc meds don’t work. I haven’t tried any herbal remedies though. I’m trying hard not to take anything when it’s allergies I can handle. 
 

last night was really disappointing, I’m very frustrated and tired and woke up with some slight anxiety. 
 

10:30pm laid down

11:15pm iPad off. Calm sleep story on

1:40am tossed and turned up to this point, turned back on Calm sleep story

4am woke up. Calm sleep story. Put on eye mask

5:25am woke up. Calm sleep story.

6:30am woke up. Calm sleep story. 
7am tossing up to this point and now just awake. 
 

No allergy meds or anything yesterday so the good sleep the night before must have been more the Zyrtec, not me. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

I also had some uncomfortable dreams all through the night. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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Hey Trying,

 

I also have weird uncomfortable dreams.  Even when I’m starting to drift, odd images flood my psyche.

 

I wake up confused a lot or just in straight up panic.

 

You seem better than you were so just hold onto that.  Tonight will be better.

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330

@Jenningsthanks. Today I just felt very down. I have been saying my anxiety hasn’t been too bad, which I feel is true, but I’ve felt the need to sigh every few seconds all day long. I think that’s also anxiety, just not the crippling kind. I hope you are doing a little better. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330

Continued from this morning

8am woke up again after writing here this morning and trying to close my eyes again. jolted awake thinking about my performance review at work. 
9am stomach was churning a bit. 2nd bowel movement. I was feeling uneasy

9:30-11am went to local garden with mom. Had to rest after ten mins of very slow walking. Sat on bench the rest of the time

12pm zero appetite but forced myself to eat small bowl of food

12:30pm just felt really down

1-2:15pm sat outside in backyard and cried a bit, did Calm meditation 

6pm FaceTimed brothers family

7pm again zero appetite and struggled to eat, but I did. 
 

ive just had a pit in my stomach all day. I feel alone. The one friend I had seen a couple times during the virus, is now quarantined because her boyfriend has it. I’m so worried and sad. Also been ruminating on the news. I deleted all the apps but now have been seeking it out online. I can’t stop. 

Zoloft 25mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety)

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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