tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

[mstimc]

46 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I wish I could believe in myself as much as I’ve believed in others. It’s so frustrating, why can’t I see that I can do it too?

The old saying we're our own worst critics has never been truer than it is in WD and recovery.  So often, it seemed everyone around me was recovering faster than me, and I thought I was doing something wrong or not trying hard enough.  I finally had to accept I'd recover at my own pace and in my own way.  We also recover in different areas faster than in others.  My ability to deal with anxious feelings came sooner than resolving health anxiety issues, and I managed OCD last of all.  

 

Just being on this site is helping you recover.  The vast majority of people on AD's never get the help and support they need to wean and recover.  You will not be like this forever.

[Shep]

18 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Just for my reassurance, its the same situation even though I wasn’t tapering off a be so, but and ssri, right?

 

Yes, definitely. There's very little difference in symptoms between tapering off a benzo and tapering off an antidepressant for anyone who develops dependency. Instead of the thread being called "benzo lies," think of it as "withdrawal lies." 

 

18 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I really tried to think about this, I had thought about it in passing but didn’t really focus on how it was going overall. I truly do not know how I feel. I know that the overwhelming anxiety had subsided just a few days prior to the escitalopram. And I kind of remember when I first started I still had some really awful days where I felt flat, empty and so depressed. Right now I’m not happy. I ruminate a ton, still. I’m obsessing over coronavirus news where I had been able to be somewhat logical about it over the course of 2020. But it’s a little different? I am unmotivated and kind of scared to do anything. But sit on the couch, move positions once in awhile and eat when I feel like I just have to (eating has been a little easier but still very little desire and I have started to eat less and less). I also noticed I have to take a lot of deep breaths, feel the need to sigh all the time. Do a lot of deep breathing. I’ve taken the reinstatement for 10 days now. Today will be 11. 

 

Thanks for writing this out, Trying.

 

This is in your signature: Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

 

Do you feel better than you did back then? Are you still having major crying spells and this level of intense hopelessness or has this improved? Or do you feel this has been replaced with more anxiety? 

[tryingtosurvive330]

5 hours ago, Shep said:

This is in your signature: Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

 

Do you feel better than you did back then? Are you still having major crying spells and this level of intense hopelessness or has this improved? Or do you feel this has been replaced with more anxiety? 

I think I do feel better than I did that that time, crying for long periods of time hasn’t really happened. However, those crying spells also stopped a couple days before the reinstatement and it was also when I started therapy and would cry through the entire session (I still do cry a ton during therapy) and when I began seeing my mom every day. I still have the dead thoughts but it’s less. 
 

I also realized that I did have some bad crying spells earlier in December, and had thought it was PMS because I had a lot of the same irrational feelings a month prior in November (but that was also when I stopped my taper completely). So I’m actually pretty confused. I had inadvertently come off my hormonal birth control a few months earlier in 2020 which I had also forgotten about. I went back on it in December when I thought I had PMS, and this month I was supposed to have a new one but I forgot the refill because I am at my moms, and did not think I would be here for so many days. I will be going back in the next few days and will be able to start it again. 
 

Jan22-Jan23

8:50am .15mg escitalopram 

9-12:50pm intermittently inside/outside, the sun kept coming in and out. Talked to boss about getting a letter from therapist to shorten work days temporarily 

12:50pm banana. Hungry but low appetite 

2pm small bowl of food. Not craving anything

4pm went to store, anxiety about virus being in grocery store. Got bath salts and baking soda so I could try the recipe Alto posted on another thread. Didn’t end up doing it this night, too tired to set it up. 
5:30pm ate very small amount 

6pm just feeling exhausted 

6:15pm bowl of broth with veggies

6:15-10:50pm have just been texting on phone, reading news, and sitting on the couch. When not on the phone, I’m not even really watching the tv which is on the whole time. I’m just sitting there zoning out waiting for the time to pass and also afraid for the time to pass because I want to sleep but know it will be short lived and I will have to wake up and restart. 
11:08pm laid in bed. Calm sleep meditation. Fell asleep before midnight. 
4:20am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

4:40am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

5am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

5:30am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

6am woke up, different Calm sleep meditation 

7am awake....laid there for awhile, feel much more tired than days before. 
7:30am bowel movement forced me to get up. It’s like this every day now and not typical for me normally

8am read on SA, wrote this out. Using light box/sad lamp for ten minutes as I do this. Then Calm meditation 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shep]

19 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I think I do feel better than I did that that time, crying for long periods of time hasn’t really happened. However, those crying spells also stopped a couple days before the reinstatement and it was also when I started therapy and would cry through the entire session (I still do cry a ton during therapy) and when I began seeing my mom every day. I still have the dead thoughts but it’s less. 
 

I also realized that I did have some bad crying spells earlier in December, and had thought it was PMS because I had a lot of the same irrational feelings a month prior in November (but that was also when I stopped my taper completely). So I’m actually pretty confused. I had inadvertently come off my hormonal birth control a few months earlier in 2020 which I had also forgotten about. I went back on it in December when I thought I had PMS, and this month I was supposed to have a new one but I forgot the refill because I am at my moms, and did not think I would be here for so many days. I will be going back in the next few days and will be able to start it again. 

 

Thanks for writing all of this out, Trying. There are so many variables in your withdrawal equation that it's really hard to know exactly what caused what. 

 

However, as long as you feel the reinstatement isn't making you worse, then it's a successful reinstatement. It may be helpful, as many people don't experience the worst of withdrawal for several months after coming off a too-fast taper, so this may mitigate some of these symptoms. 

 

BTW, do you feel that the crying during therapy is cathartic and what would be called a "good" or a "healing" cry? Or does it make you feel worse? If you're feeling worse, it may be because it's too much for your nervous system to handle during withdrawal. If that's the case, you may want to stop therapy until you've healed from withdrawal. Just a thought. 

 

For members' experiences with birth control during a taper, please see:

 

Birth control pills and other hormonal birth control

[tryingtosurvive330]

3 hours ago, Shep said:

BTW, do you feel that the crying during therapy is cathartic and what would be called a "good" or a "healing" cry? Or does it make you feel worse? If you're feeling worse, it may be because it's too much for your nervous system to handle during withdrawal. If that's the case, you may want to stop therapy until you've healed from withdrawal. Just a thought. 

 

For members' experiences with birth control during a taper, please see:

I did realize how inconsistent I was and was frustrated that I couldn’t track well what happened. 
 

For the crying during therapy, I would say it’s...neither. Most of the time. One time I felt terrible after because we talked about childhood trauma. A couple other times I wouldn’t say I felt better, but didn’t feel worse and felt like I needed to cry. And, in our last session she asked if I wanted to focus on the past, current situation and the the future as that’s what she normally does, but if that was too difficult I could change it. So I said the current and then the future (being able to feel hope) and she said we could come back the the past later when I felt I could handle it. I feel like I need someone as additional support otherwise I will feel like I’m alone, even though I have this forum and a couple friends. 
 

for the birth control, I did worry that it might be hard on my emotions as a lot of friends have gotten depressed. But for me I always felt like it made me less irrational and likely to fly off the handle. I did notice that this last month I felt bad during the time I was supposed to have my period, but it was a great difference from the prior month when I was not on it. But you’re right, it’s very hard to tell what is what because I had also reinstated a few days prior. I wonder if maybe my CNS is too sensitive to the hormones now or if it helped. 
 

Last night was a really bad night in terms of sleep. I woke with slight anxiety and was able to calm down because it’s still the weekend and I’m telling myself I have the whole day to do nothing and sit and be mellow. I just got a sliver of excitement that the sun came out. It was raining and really gloomy yesterday. 
 

Jan23-jan24

9:06 0.15mg escitalopram

9:30-11am laying on couch, nothing on, no tv. Closed my eyes and thought maybe I could sleep some. Don’t feel like I ever drifted. Just laid there with my eyes closed the whole time. 
11am-1:50pm sitting on couch with tv on. News, texting friend whose dad just landed in hospital for potential heart issues. Felt very worried for her because she wasn’t eating either or sleeping but only for a night. She’s also dealing with her partner having COVID (mild case). Also felt a bit of comfort knowing we were both not having a good time, even though i was worried about her.  
1:50pm ate small food. Again broth with some veggies. Sat around on the couch all day as I have been. Picked up some takeout for my mom. Ordered delivery for myself. 
5:30pm ate some of my delivery. It was a normal sized meal but I felt way too full because I’ve been eating so little. Ate a piece of cake too. Not because I wanted it but because we were supposed to be “celebrating” a birthday. 
6-8:50pm same stuff. Tv, couch, some news, texting friend.

8:50-9:30pm took a bath with Epsom salts that had eucalyptus  and baking soda. Probably about 2 cups epsom and less than 1 cup baking soda. Felt nice and I liked the eucalyptus smell, it was soothing. 
9:30 laid down in bed

10pm calm sleep meditation. This time I didn’t nod off during the meditation as I had done the previous two nights. 
did a second one. 
11pm woke up. 
12am woke up. 
1 or 1:40am Can’t remember the time. Woke up. 
3:22am woke up. Contemplated Benadryl but didn’t do it. Tossed and turned for a few minutes before turning on calm sleep meditation. 
4:20am woke up. New Calm sleep meditation 

5:30am woke up. Restarted calm sleep meditation 

6am woke up, restarted calm sleep meditation 

7am woke up, felt disheveled and a little upset. Laid here for a few minutes, read on SA, writing back, sad lamp for ten minutes. 

Shep, do you think for right now I should stay at the 0.15mg?

 

[Shep]

 

On 1/23/2021 at 11:06 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I had inadvertently come off my hormonal birth control a few months earlier in 2020 which I had also forgotten about. I went back on it in December when I thought I had PMS, and this month I was supposed to have a new one but I forgot the refill because I am at my moms, and did not think I would be here for so many days. I will be going back in the next few days and will be able to start it again. 

 

18 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

for the birth control, I did worry that it might be hard on my emotions as a lot of friends have gotten depressed. But for me I always felt like it made me less irrational and likely to fly off the handle. I did notice that this last month I felt bad during the time I was supposed to have my period, but it was a great difference from the prior month when I was not on it. But you’re right, it’s very hard to tell what is what because I had also reinstated a few days prior. I wonder if maybe my CNS is too sensitive to the hormones now or if it helped. 

 

 

18 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Shep, do you think for right now I should stay at the 0.15mg?

 

I would hold the antidepressant at this dose until you're able to reinstate the birth control and see how that affects you. You've given the AD reinstatement about 2 weeks already and haven't experienced anything negative, no adverse or hyper-reactive response. 

 

So you've got a baseline formed now. Once you restart the birth control, let's reassess and see where you're at. 

 

I'm wondering if maybe your poor night of sleep may have been from having delivery and cake, as processed foods and sugar can ramp up symptoms. I know you were, as you put it, "celebrating" a birthday, so perfectly understandable in a world were others don't know what we're going through. So hopefully tonight will bring more sleep as you go back to your usual clean diet. 

 

Also, make sure you're drinking enough water throughout the day. Sometimes when you don't have an appetite and aren't eating enough, it's easy to not get enough liquids. Dehydration can cause some of the same symptoms as withdrawal. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

5 hours ago, Shep said:

I'm wondering if maybe your poor night of sleep may have been from having delivery and cake, as processed foods and sugar can ramp up symptoms. I know you were, as you put it, "celebrating" a birthday, so perfectly understandable in a world were others don't know what we're going through. So hopefully tonight will bring more sleep as you go back to your usual clean diet. 

 

Also, make sure you're drinking enough water throughout the day. Sometimes when you don't have an appetite and aren't eating enough, it's easy to not get enough liquids. Dehydration can cause some of the same symptoms as withdrawal. 

Ok, will do on the birth control and thanks Shep for reading my notes so thoroughly. It is reassuring. 
 

I suppose it could have been the cake which affected my sleep. I had thought it was the epsom and baking soda bath. But I was still wanting to take another last night because it felt nice (I didn’t). The delivery was, by my standards, a bit healthier than regular delivery - grilled kabobs, veggies and rice (but the rice is oily). 
 

Jan24-Jan25

8-9:25am Sat on the couch. News, texting. No tv. 
9:25-9:50am sat in shower. Realized I forgot meds at 9. 
9:56am 0.15mg escitalopram 

10:10-11:50am sat in sun. 
12-1pm Wrote letter to governor. Was feeling bad about entire virus situation and handling. 
1pm ate lunch (leftover of the delivery kabobs). It was a more normal plate than I’ve been eating for lunch, but not big. Extremely full. 
3-4:30pm I was so tired. I tried to close my eyes on the couch. I think I probably had a light nap of about an hour but I was trying to sleep this whole time. Woke up and pretty awake at 4. 
7:30pm felt pretty empty. Dreading tomorrow (today, Monday). Not hungry for dinner at all. Are a couple bites of food and another small piece of cake. 
8:45pm tried the chamomile and lavender tea again because I just felt so drained. My throat was itching from allergies and also wanted to soothe

9:50pm laid down but was on edge due to reading some stuff and was worrying about the next couple days a little. Continued trying to look up things until about 10:30. Then really just laid down

11pm Calm sleep meditation 

11:15pm different Calm sleep meditation 

12am different, longer Calm sleep meditation. I had not fallen asleep between 11:15 and now. 
4am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

5:15am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

6:30am woke up. 
6:45am woke up. 
7am awake. Reading SA, writing this, did the ten minutes of sad lamp. Calm meditation. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I forgot to mention that I have been trying hard to get enough water. I have a very small mug that I’ve been refilling every time I run out or remember. I drink some warm water first thing in the morning and continue throughout the day because with warm water I can imagine it’s tea, which I am staying away from. 
 

what kind of withdrawal symptoms can dehydration mimic?

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimcdid you have a period where you couldn’t work? If you did, did it take a very long time for you to come back?

 

I have been feeling so useless and at the same time unmotivated to work, I have just been sitting on the couch for the whole day. I don’t want to lose my job. I’m normally a top performer and it’s killing me to feel like I’m wasting away more time in addition to everything else I feel behind on. But I feel like all I can do right now is sit on the couch. 

[mstimc]

Hi Trying

 

Yes, I worked through WD and recovery.  It was a double-edged sword.  In one way, it was therapeutic because it forced me to focus on something other than my anxiety for a few hours every day.  It also gave me a sense of at least a little control over my day.  On the other hand, like you I was always afraid I'd make a terrible mistake and get fired, and my family would be homeless.  The reality is we all make mistakes, and there are almost always reasonable solutions.  In fact, right in the midst of my recovery, I earned a performance bonus!  So the perception that you're not performing as you should is probably just another manifestation of your anxious thinking.

 

Just my opinion, if you can work, do it.  Anything that breaks the anxiety cycle and gives you some daily routine will benefit you in the long run, even if you struggle from day to day.  You are much stronger than your anxiety wants to admit.

 

Hope this helps!

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimcthank you, it does help. I’ve already been working very amended hours and have a doctors note that they need to be shortened for a couple weeks. Maybe I can push myself to do a little more each day. I feel I crumbled under the pressure and am the one who couldn’t handle things, and feel embarrassed about how people must perceive me. I have a good job that typically makes a lot of decisions. During my short window of work, I am ok just discussing things but start to get very confused and frustrated when I try to actually do something. But maybe I will find that if I do a little more it will come to me. 

[mstimc]

Sounds good but don’t put too much pressure on yourself by telling yourself you’re not doing enough.  Your embarrassment is just a manifestation of your anxious thinking.  Don’t judge yourself too harshly or it’ll just increase your anxiety.  Ease up on yourself and you’ll find your clarity of thought will improve!

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc ok, I will try not to make it harder on myself. That’s good advice. I’m really impatient and so mad that I can’t get better faster but it just creates unnecessary additional anxiety, like you said. 

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@mstimc ok, I will try not to make it harder on myself. That’s good advice. I’m really impatient and so mad that I can’t get better faster but it just creates unnecessary additional anxiety, like you said. 

Happens to all of us at one time or another!🙂

[Shep]

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

The delivery was, by my standards, a bit healthier than regular delivery - grilled kabobs, veggies and rice (but the rice is oily). 

 

Any chance there was MSG in this? People going through withdrawal can be VERY sensitive to MSG. 

 

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

12-1pm Wrote letter to governor. Was feeling bad about entire virus situation and handling. 

 

Excellent response to your anxiety over the pandemic! I like that you turned your personal distress into political action. 

 

Even if you don't get a good response from your governor, at least you "named" your distress correctly instead of internalizing it as something that is wrong with you. 

 

21 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I forgot to mention that I have been trying hard to get enough water. I have a very small mug that I’ve been refilling every time I run out or remember. I drink some warm water first thing in the morning and continue throughout the day because with warm water I can imagine it’s tea, which I am staying away from. 
 

what kind of withdrawal symptoms can dehydration mimic?

 

Can you add some fresh lemon or lime to your warm water to make some unsweetened tea? Might make it more refreshing and likely that you'll drink more. 

 

Here is some info on dehydration symptoms:

 

Mayo Clinic - Dehydration

[tryingtosurvive330]

1 hour ago, Shep said:

Any chance there was MSG in this? People going through withdrawal can be VERY sensitive to MSG. 

I highly doubt there was MSG, I don’t think this type of cuisine typically uses it. I have never historically had issues with MSG though. Is it common for people in withdrawal to react differently to things that have always been fine for them?

 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

Excellent response to your anxiety over the pandemic! I like that you turned your personal distress into political action. 

 

Even if you don't get a good response from your governor, at least you "named" your distress correctly instead of internalizing it as something that is wrong with you. 

Thank you. I did not think of it that way at all, I thought I was desperate and couldn’t handle all the news and uncertainty. Thank you for telling me it was a good thing. 

 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

 

Can you add some fresh lemon or lime to your warm water to make some unsweetened tea? Might make it more refreshing and likely that you'll drink more. 

I think I can, but I do not really mind the warm water as I can imagine it pretty easily and if it’s in a teacup. But this could help me drink a little bit more. 
 

I was hoping that the dehydration was going to list all my ailments (I guess I wanted a silver bullet...)

 

Yesterday was a little different. I felt pretty bad in the morning and during the day. I ate very little. Took a bath in the evening and because it kept me from scrolling the news, I sat on the couch after completely zoning out and decided no news scrolling, googling tonight. I’d rather sit and do zero.  When I got up to go to bed I kept having to come back downstairs for something I forgot. This usually “wakes me up” from my drowsiness and I was worried I would now not be able to fall asleep, but I did. 
 

Jan25-Jan26

9am .015mg escitalopram. Having anxiety over new covid news. Got reopening news from governor and while I thought this whole time it would make me feel better, my brain flooded with a million questions and more worried. Felt really confused and upset. 
9:15am Calm “panic SOS” meditation 

9:25-10:10am sat outside, was cold but still sunny. Cried a little

11am friend called. Cried again. Feeling depressed. 
12:07-1pm listened to governor address the state about his new decisions while sitting in sun again. 
1-2pm worked

2pm ate small lunch

3:15pm turned on tv. Past days tv was on all day. Today, just turned it on now. 
4:45 feeling so drained. 15 minute nap, didn’t feel too deep. 
6:20pm small dinner, exact same as lunch. 
7:40pm got in the shower, then took a bath until 8:35 with Epsom salts and baking soda. less than the directions say on bag

9:11pm ate a couple more bites of dinner, had a few cucumber slices with hummus and a few olives. 
10:08pm laid down, pretty awake even though I was very sleepy and groggy right before. Calm sleep meditation 

10:30-11pm fell asleep, probably close to 11

5am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

6am woke up. Calm sleep meditation. Very lightly asleep

6:50 awake. Laid there for a few minutes. Slight anxiety, some intrusive thoughts crept in. 
7am read on SA, writing this, ten minutes sad lamp. Calm meditation 

 

7:30pm-bedtime last night it was easy for me to not look at news since I was in the bath and zoned out. 
 

When I woke up, I knew I had gotten a little more sleep but I couldn’t really register it, and felt almost more tired than normal. I feel like I expected to feel a little better. I also have kind of a packed day ahead of me (packed compared to what I’ve been doing, which is nothing). And tomorrow I have a doctors appointment which I feel will drain me mentally in addition to today. So kind of anxious..

 

[Jennings]

I’m glad you were able to get more sleep last night.

 

Hang in there

[Shep]

21 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I highly doubt there was MSG, I don’t think this type of cuisine typically uses it. I have never historically had issues with MSG though. Is it common for people in withdrawal to react differently to things that have always been fine for them?

 

Yes, very much so. This is from a post that Alto wrote in the One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome thread:

 

On 5/24/2011 at 10:59 PM, Altostrata said:

My guess is: The first phase of withdrawal, the acute phase, is the initial shock of withdrawal, with the most defined symptoms, such as brain zaps and nausea and possibly waves of unusually intense "depression" and "anxiety" -- actually, emotions generated by the neurological upset. Later, glutamatergic hyper-reactivity and autonomic instability take over. Often the autonomic instability causes wide hypersensitivity to drugs, supplements, and even foods.

 

I noticed this connection in your journal: 

 

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Yesterday was a little different. I felt pretty bad in the morning and during the day. I ate very little. Took a bath in the evening and because it kept me from scrolling the news, I sat on the couch after completely zoning out and decided no news scrolling, googling tonight. I’d rather sit and do zero. 

 

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

10:30-11pm fell asleep, probably close to 11

5am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

 

That's a nice 6 hours straight worth of sleep. Perhaps avoiding the news in the evenings is your path towards healing.

 

Our symptoms are our teachers and guides. Follow them and do as they ask and you'll have a much easier journey. Windows and waves still apply, but the overall effect is an easier journey. Very well played. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

1 hour ago, Shep said:

My guess is: The first phase of withdrawal, the acute phase, is the initial shock of withdrawal, with the most defined symptoms, such as brain zaps and nausea and possibly waves of unusually intense "depression" and "anxiety" -- actually, emotions generated by the neurological upset. Later, glutamatergic hyper-reactivity and autonomic instability take over. Often the autonomic instability causes wide hypersensitivity to drugs, supplements, and even foods.

I remember this from Altostrata because I kept reading it in the beginning. What does “glutamatergic” mean? I could not figure it out. I wonder if my initial shock with the anxiety and depression was late December, when I thought I was going through delayed onset withdrawal? The brain zaps and fatigue happened when I was actually tapering off. I do remember that I still had a very slight brain zap up leftover through a couple weeks ago, only in my left eye when I looked to the left. I think it’s gone now. 
 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

I noticed this connection in your journal: 

 

On 1/26/2021 at 7:35 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Yesterday was a little different. I felt pretty bad in the morning and during the day. I ate very little. Took a bath in the evening and because it kept me from scrolling the news, I sat on the couch after completely zoning out and decided no news scrolling, googling tonight. I’d rather sit and do zero. 

 

On 1/26/2021 at 7:35 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

10:30-11pm fell asleep, probably close to 11

5am woke up. Calm sleep meditation 

 

That's a nice 6 hours straight worth of sleep. Perhaps avoiding the news in the evenings is your path towards healing

I had noticed this too, on the day that I took a bath specifically because I realized I was ok without the news and actually not wanting to read it. So last night, I forced myself to not read the news after dinner. And in the morning (today included) I made sure not to read the news blurbs until after I’m on here, do my meditations, etc. 

 

Jan26-jan27

7:30-7:40am sad lamp 

7:35am news for about 10-15 mins

8:40-9am sat in sun

9am took a Zyrtec and the 0.15mg escitalopram. My allergies were uncontrollable and I couldn’t stop sneezing. Tried neti pot first, no luck.

9:45-11:30am drove parent to vaccine appointment and came back. Was so stressed in the beginning but once we got there it was smooth. I was so relieved and felt lighter. 
12-12:45pm sat in sun. Read a couple news articles on vaccine

1pm not really hungry but ate a banana 

1:30pm feeling slightly a bit more like myself. Not completely but a little. Felt some slight clarity. But so extremely tired. 
2-3pm work meetings and spoke with HR about work schedule. It went fine but I’m in amended hours temporarily. 
3pm ate very small plate of food. Healthy. 
3:15 turned on tv in background

4-5:30pm took 45 minute nap within this hour and a half. Awake, tossing, resting in between. when I woke up, read some more news regarding vaccine rollout that was mostly positive. 
7:40pm wasn’t too hungry but ate more leftovers from the delivery a coul days prior. No meat, but some fresh veggies, pita and hummus. Some rice. 
very full. no news reading. But I kept opening news apps, remembering, and closing them. 
10:08pm laid down. Calm sleep meditation

11pm fell asleep

4:30-5:12am woke up somewhere in here, but I felt “glued” to my bed, like when you’re in a deep sleep. I know I was half awake this whole time but resting because of the glue feeling. At 5:12am I started a calm sleep meditation. Was half asleep. 
6:30am woke up. Laid there. Drifted in and out until 7. 
7:20 awake. Reading on SA, writing this, and ten minutes of sad lamp while writing. 

Today I have another full day which I’m a little nervous about. 

[Shep]

19 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

What does “glutamatergic” mean?

 

Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter and GABA is inihibitory. Both of these neurotransmitters are important - one in revving you up (glutamate) and one in calming you down (GABA). 

 

If you have more glutamate activity than GABA activity, your nervous system will start hyper-reacting to things you may never have been sensitive to before. 

 

Your brain is giving flight or fight signals. Noradrenaline, adrenaline, and cortisol are also in play, creating this flight or fight response, this over-reactivity response. 

 

So calming activities and non-drug coping skills, along with a healthy diet and plenty of clean water can all go a long way to help your nervous system cope with all of this. 

 

20 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

1:30pm feeling slightly a bit more like myself. Not completely but a little. Felt some slight clarity. But so extremely tired. 
2-3pm work meetings and spoke with HR about work schedule. It went fine but I’m in amended hours temporarily. 

 

Working with HR to get better hours is a great non-drug way of taking some of the stress off. 

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Yesterday was not so good. I felt pretty overwhelmed and sad. Still feeling down right now. 7:30am on Jan 28. 
 

Jan27-Jan28

Calm meditation after sad lamp and waking up

9-10am talked to boss about HR stuff. I started to feel really bad and guilty even though he was saying it’s not a big deal at all, but we need to have a talk in a couple weeks so he can plan for the work ahead. Potentially hire additional person and will accommodate me but this means I will push pause on my career. A few months ago he wanted to promote me but in the current situation it wouldn’t make sense if I can’t take on new responsibility. It’s complicated and I feel like I’m letting them down, I can’t handle stuff, and now I’m affecting my future because I can’t make a decision right now. He clearly said the job is a 50-60 hour/week job. He wants me to get better and doesn’t see a problem with pushing pause but I do and I’m really struggling with the thought of that, but also cannot imagine working that much regularly again. I feel so stuck and upset. cried a little bit. He wanted to be open and honest with my but it was just too much and I feel a ton of pressure now.

9:30am 0.15mg escitalopram. 
was moving around, getting ready, helping someone at work. 
11am drove to doctors appt, it was an hour away and I had to check on my house because I’ve been with my mom for a couple weeks. talked to friend on the way for 30 mins. got a physical at doctors office. She kind of scoffed at me taking the low dose of escitalopram saying “that’s like a drop” but accepted it. Also scoffed when I said the vitamin d could have been triggering because I mentioned this forum and how “a lot of people suggested this might be the case”. 
I just said I’m monitoring how I feel and it was a huge dose so I don’t want that anymore. I could do a smaller more consistent dose if my bloodwork comes back with a deficiency. 
2:15 are very small meal. Maybe 7-10 bites of food. Did one load of laundry. 
4pm drove back to moms. Talked to boss again on the way about a work thing. Will have to work when I get back. 
5pm another small bowl of food. 
5:30-8:30pm working. Feeling really sh**ty about work. at 7:30 I wanted to take a bath but because I worked, I felt like I didn’t have time and didn’t want to “waste” it taking a bath even though I wasn’t doing anything else. 
10pm wasn’t feeling like crying but I did just a little. Like only a few tears for a minute. About what, I don’t really know. Didn’t really feel better or anything. Wanted to cry more, but also didn’t, because I was afraid it would make me feel something, and what if that something was bad?

10:08pm laid down, Calm sleep meditation. Laid there for about an hour

11:08 wide awake. Turned over, wiggled around

11:30-11:45 fell asleep

5:10am woke up. Tossed and turned. 

5:30am woke up. Worried about work. Calm sleep meditation. Never fully fell asleep

6:30am awake. Laying there fiddling with phone, trying to relax. Calm app keeps glitching. 
7am-7:45am bathroom, feeling a bit constipated, back to bed, writing here in SA. Sad lamp ten minutes. Just feeling down. 

[Shep]

TS, I know you're struggling, but it sounds like you've got a great boss and you've been a star player at your job. They really seem invested in helping you cope through this. 

 

And your sleep is still bringing in a good 5 hours solid, which I know is still exhausting, but hopefully having some reduction in your work hours will help. 

 

It looks like the little bit of escitalopram is helping you stabilize without causing any adverse affects.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Shep
fixed typo

[tryingtosurvive330]

I felt a bit better at the end of the day yesterday after I had therapy. We talked a lot about the job. 

Jan28-Jan29

8am calm meditation 

8:40-9:15am shower, sat there

9:20am 0.15mg escitalopram. Talked to consultant who had similar experience as me in his last job which is why he left. Was nice to hear but it was honest and made me wonder if this job is right for me. Then talked to another coworker (on my team but superior to me) for the first time in a couple weeks and he had a positive outlook, but said it will take several months, almost to the end of the year, for work to get better. Made me think I don’t know if I can wait that long. talked to boss, made me feel bad again. All this time was outside in the sun which was nice. Even had my laptop and did a few minutes of work. 
2pm ate a decent sized lunch. Some meat, rice and veggies. felt very tired. 
2:45-4:15pm therapy. This time it went by very fast. Had one bout of bad crying. She said I have a tremendous conscience, which is true. And that I need to give myself understanding. I always have trouble with that, but because she gave me understanding I felt a little better. we also talked a lot about my options with work which gave me some clarity. 
4:30pm talked to boss again because he had to jump off abruptly before.  I felt a little relief and less immediate pressure. 
8:11pm have just been on the couch, tv on, texting all night until now. Not hungry because of the later normal sized lunch. But ate a banana. 
9:15pm ate a few bites of food, 4-5 bites. Then 2 slices of cheese. I don’t think I’ve been getting even 1000 calories a day. I’m concerned about the rapid weight loss I’m experiencing (even though the antidepressants made me overweight and no amount of exercise and healthy diet helped which is not characteristic of my body in normal circumstances, I know this is not a good way to lose weight. Also concerned for what it will do to my metabolism later...if eating too little will slow it down and cause me more issues down the road. I did some googling...) 

10pm laid down. Feeling wide awake even though I’m tired. Calm sleep meditation. Still wide awake

10:30pm different calm sleep meditation 

11pm still awake. Restarted calm sleep meditation 

2:40am woke up. Felt pretty awake. 
5am woke up. 
5:30am still awake, calm sleep meditation 

6:30am woke up. Tried to keep sleeping. Drifted and jolted. 
7am woke up in a jolt. Laid there, feeling so tired

7:20am awake. Reading SA, bathroom, back to bed, writing, sad lamp ten minutes. 
 

this morning feeling extra tired, I think it’s the first day in a few days I didn’t get the 4-5 hour block of sleep. Feels like back to the beginning. Very slight anxiety and some bad thoughts when I woke up. 

 

 

[Jennings]

Hey, 

 

I was also starting to sleep better.  I had at least a six hour block of sleep a night this last week.  I felt down but not as bad as I had been.  Then the last two nights are terrible again.  Broken sleep and tired but fully awake. I’m also losing a ton of weight.  No appetite.  Just know you are not alone.

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Jennings Thanks for the reminder. Not that I want you to suffer at all but it helps to know I'm not alone. I feel that it does take a constant reminder because we're so easily convinced and tipped back over into the hole.

 

Your taper from lexapro seems similar to mine except you started at twice the dose. I think I read in your thread that your WD started 3-ish months later? Were you feeling irritable etc at the end of the taper? I was, but it was stuff I felt I could handle and knew I was "depressed" but not like *this* type of "DEPRESSED!!" This one hit like a ton of bricks. You haven't reinstated at all from August, right?

[Jennings]

Yes I tapered 5 to 6 months from 20 mg.  
 

I was definitely irritable and I did have minor withdrawal symptoms after coming off.  Once November hit my symptoms became insane, absolutely insane.  Anxiety, depression (I didn’t know what this was because I’ve never been depressed in my life), anxious mornings, gastro issues, doom black doom, insomnia.

 

I’ve only had anxiety and gastro issues prior to psych meds. I was always the upbeat one, also very together.  It’s just crazy that I’m here at this point.

[Jennings]

Also no reinstatement, I came close but decided not to which was against the wishes of my family and my psych.

[tryingtosurvive330]

Jan29-Jan30

After sad lamp, reading news

9am 0.15mg escitalopram 

9:15am took Zyrtec. Tried neti pot before, but could feel the bad allergies still coming on. My abs are still sore from sneezing so much the other day. Since I took the Zyrtec early before it got bad, it worked. 
9-1pm worked. Got frustrated and upset a couple times. Longer stretch of work than I’ve been doing for a couple weeks. 
1pm small lunch 

2-3pm napped, slept for about 30 minutes. Was awake/fidgeting the rest of the time. 
3-3:45pm work meeting. Went fine but I had a bad/negative attitude. 
4:30-6:15pm talked to friend I hadn’t talked to in a long time. It was nice. I cried a bit telling him what was going on. 
7pm ate dinner. I ate quite a lot. 
9:30-10:45pm on the couch and kept falling asleep but for some reason didn’t want to go to bed. 
11-11:20pm laying in bed. Fell asleep probably 11:30

6am woke up. Was surprised it was 6 but remembered I had taken zyrtec in the morning. I had been wondering during the day if I would see longer sleep and i did...

6-6:50am didn’t want to wake up so laid there, drifted in and out. 
7-7:20am awake, sent a couple text responses. Still didn’t want to get up. Tried to close my eyes, drifted for awhile then fell back asleep.

9am woke up and was surprised it was still only 9. I thought it would be 11. Used sad lamp, 0.15mg escitalopram. Writing on SA. 
 

I’m wondering again if my ok day and sleep had to do with the Zyrtec. I don’t need to take Zyrtec today...so I’ll see how my eating and sleep is tonight..

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Jennings I totally understand not wanting to go back on the meds fully or even halfway, but can I ask your reason for not reinstating a microdose?

 

I truly didn’t want to either but I felt I got so desperate. I admire that you were strong enough to still not want to do it and were able to make that choice. Do you feel like you have improved since the insane symptoms started?

[Jennings]

I thought I was to far out to reinstate.

[Jennings]

And yes they had gotten better however I’m back in a terrible wave right now.

[tryingtosurvive330]

Felt relieved for Saturday but already dreading when the weekend will be over. 

Jan30-Jan31

10am sitting in sun. Standing up and taking a few steps in back yard every so often. Calm meditation

11:15am still in sun. Felt for just a few seconds that I could imagine feeling just a bit normal, excluding work and other things in like. 
12pm lunch. Slightly smaller than a normal size, but enough. 
1-4pm napped. Probably was sleeping about 2.5 hours. Felt pretty deep for most of it. I had been having anxiety about taking naps because I had read in the cortisol spike thread, and knew myself, that to sleep better at night I should avoid napping during the day so I could sleep at night. But I’ve just been so tired. I also felt a little better about taking a nap since the next day was Sunday. So this time, low anxiety about the nap. I just wanted to fill the time and to feel rested. thinking I would be anxious Sunday night and Monday morning, though. 
TV and news scrolling. 
6pm ate dinner, was kind of hungry and had the appetite. Smallish plate of food but bigger than lunch and a few more bites of veggies. not full at all but no longer hungry. 
7:50-8:30pm bath with epsom salt and baking soda (not a lot, bag is low). 
10:45pm stomach a little hungry, ate slice of cheese. Didn’t want to go to bed because of the nap even though I knew it shortened my and that’s what I had wanted. Mind felt tired but I was awake. 
11:45 got into bed. Awake. iPad on low volume

12:30am calm sleep meditation. Drifted for a couple minutes at the end but then was still wide awake. 
1am awake. Just tried to relax and close my eyes and be still. Fell asleep at some point, lightly

5:45am woke up, felt like I was kind of awake for awhile before. Didn’t feel like I had really slept but I was asleep before. Had some strange and somewhat disturbing dreams about exes and wanting to be with them. In reality they are not good people and I never want to see them again. am scared of them at times. Felt pdf and uncomfortable when I woke after this. Put on face mask and tried to drift off

7:15am awake again. Feel tired. Used restroom and came back to bed, just trying to be mellow. Writing on SA, sad lamp. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Jan31-Feb1

9am calm meditation. flushed nose with net pot but allergies were bad so took Zyrtec. It was too late and I was sneezing hard all day. 
9:45-12:10pm sat in sun and texted sis in law. 
1:45pm drove an hour back to my house, cleaned for a few minutes and drove back with my car at 3:30pm (had been sharing with mother for the last couple weeks since we came to her house in one car)

5:30pm ate very small plate of food. A few bites

7pm ate two hard boiled eggs

7:45pm ate some toasted pita and two slices of cheese

9:30pm scheduled appt for physical bloodwork and paid car registration. Felt good getting two things off the list even though I’ve been ignoring all the other big items I need to address. 
10:20pm laid in bed. No sleep meditation (didn’t do one previous night either)

11pm not falling asleep. iPad on low and also put on Calm sleep sound (crackling fireplace). Drifting but didn’t feel like I would sleep

12am woke up

4am woke up

6:15am woke up. Falling back asleep but felt like I wasn’t asleep

7:15am woke up. Felt really tired and groggy (Zyrtec that morning), laid there not wanting to wake up. Drifted back to sleep but felt uncomfortable with stuffy nose, dry mouth etc

8am woke up. Writing on SA, ten minutes sad lamp

 

I have a question about REM sleep. I think I read (and have read before) that this is the deep sleep and where we dream? But I always feel so much less rested and frustrated when I dream. Whenever I dream I feel like I never slept at all. It is however usually unpleasant dreams. Am I really getting restful sleep when I dream? I think even when they are ok dreams I feel like this. I also noticed I dream a lot in those short spurts of sleep. Early morning. 

 

I feel right now that I got some decent sleep last night even though it was broken up. Is the broken sleep still pretty restorative? I’m also questioning if it came from the Zyrtec. Trying not to think about it too much but I took it three times I think in the last several days. Really don’t want to but it’s something that details my whole day and can even be dangerous when driving. I used to take it at night to really prevent it the next day but because of WD I’m trying not to do that because o never really know until it happens, and as a lot of us are doing on here I’m trying not to put anything foreign into my system. 

 

[Shep]

19 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I have a question about REM sleep. I think I read (and have read before) that this is the deep sleep and where we dream? But I always feel so much less rested and frustrated when I dream. Whenever I dream I feel like I never slept at all. It is however usually unpleasant dreams. Am I really getting restful sleep when I dream? I think even when they are ok dreams I feel like this. I also noticed I dream a lot in those short spurts of sleep. Early morning. 

 

If you haven't already seen this thread, it may answer some of your questions:

 

What is the sleep cycle?

 

Yes, REM sleep is when we dream. REM sleep is linked to all sorts of things, such as learning and memory. You can google and find out more. There's tons out there on the internet on sleep.You can also find some articles such as these in the Journals section of SA:

 

McCarter, 2015 Antidepressants Increase REM Sleep Muscle Tone in Patients with and without REM Sleep Behavior Disorder.

 

Oberndorfer 2000 Effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors on objective and subjective sleep quality.

 

These drugs destroy sleep architecture, but it does improve once we come off the drugs and go into the healing phase. 

 

It's unclear if we feel less rested and fatigued solely due to sleep problems or if fatigue can be a stand-alone symptom. But if you don't sleep well, it stands to reason you'll be tired the next day.

 

But again, it's temporarily and resolves in time. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Thanks Shep, I had read the first one but not seen the others. I have googled this and maybe I just don’t understand or no one has clearly answered. I’m still confused as to why I feel more exhausted after dreaming. I see now that REM sleep is “paradoxical” in that it more resembles wakefulness. So maybe that’s why? So it may be repairing my connections and how I learn but not giving me rest? Although I thought to get to rem sleep I had to go through deep sleep first. 

 

Feb1-Feb2

8:30am calm meditation. Feel awake but don’t want to do anything at all. 
9-12pm able to work. 
12pm lunch. Normal size

1-3pm worked

3-5:30pm phone, news

5:30pm turned on tv. 
6:15pm normal sized dinner. More carbs than normal but had steak and veggies too. 
7pm took an 800mg capsule of tart cherry concentrate to see if it would help with sleep at all. but then was reading news until 9pm. Wasn’t anxious but couldn’t stop looking at news. 

10pm laid down

11pm wide awake. Fell asleep around 11:30-12?

1:55am woke up. Thought i had slept for a few hours and sad to see the time. Calm sleep meditation 

5:50am woke up. Calm sleep sound (crackling fireplace). Put on sleep mask 

8am awake. SA, sad lamp. 
 

I’m not sure if I can attribute last nights poor sleep to the tart cherry or not. I know I was overthinking it when I took it and kept wondering will it work? But I also read the news until later. I guess I will go tonight without anything except maybe a bath. I have magnesium glycinate but haven’t used it at all since I started experiencing the extreme WD symptoms. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I also had lots of unpleasant dreams last night. And when I was trying to fall asleep some bad thoughts came back about my life and falling behind my friends. I kept moving around trying not to think about it.