tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

[tryingtosurvive330]

9am 0.15mg escitalopram 

9:15-9:45am shower

10am sat in sun. Worked outside

12:45pm small lunch

1-2pm work

2:30-4:30pm work. Getting frustrated and upset over small things. Felt like a kid who couldn’t use her words

4:30pm tv

7pm dinner. Dinner was a little too spicy. Not sure if that bothered my sleep. Tv still on, googling some news until 8pm

8-9pm reread my thread here on SA

9:15pm small cup chamomile and lavender tea

9:50pm laid in bed, tired but wide awake. 
10:30pm wide awake, calm sleep meditation 

11pm still wide awake, calm sleep meditation

12-1am fell asleep

3:40am woke up. Calm sleep meditation. Couldn’t relax or clear my mind. 

4:20am wide awake. Tossed and turned, moved around, finally propped myself up on a pillow so I was sitting up. Turned on iPad Netflix and calm sleep sound so i had two noises going. Put on eye mask. Fell asleep probably after 45 mins

6:40am woke up but knew I had slept. Stayed sitting up

7:30am woke up. Writing on SA, ten mins sad lamp. 
 

That was an awful night of sleep. I couldn’t clear my mind and felt like I was starting over. Two nights in a row of really bad sleep and the frustration is compounding. I was just starting to feel ok with getting 4-5 hours of straight sleep. For a few days I felt like the sleep meditations were at least reminding me I was capable of feeling drowsy. Now I feel wired. I just have no energy to work and and trying not to fall back into the negative “what if” thoughts I had been able to kind of just let be. I feel really upset right now. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Because I feel like I got no sleep last night, I also woke with my stomach feeling bad. Empty, kind of sick and needing to go to the bathroom. 

[Shep]

On 2/2/2021 at 11:33 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I’m still confused as to why I feel more exhausted after dreaming.

 

On 2/2/2021 at 11:42 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I also had lots of unpleasant dreams last night. And when I was trying to fall asleep some bad thoughts came back about my life and falling behind my friends. I kept moving around trying not to think about it. 

 

Maybe it isn't so much about the REM stage (or any other stage of sleep) but the fact that your dreams are unpleasant and therefore, exhausting you. 

 

On 2/2/2021 at 11:33 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I’m not sure if I can attribute last nights poor sleep to the tart cherry or not. I know I was overthinking it when I took it and kept wondering will it work? But I also read the news until later.

 

Perhaps see if avoiding the news at night will help. That may have set the stage for the bad dreams. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Another night of bad sleep. Less dreams but still bad. No news or even tv right before bed. 
 

8:50am 0.15mg escitalopram

9-1pm work. Got frustrated and upset and cried while on the phone with boss. overly sensitive from work frustrations and was really exhausted from lack of sleep. 
1-2:30pm ate one slice of cheese. Therapy session during this time. Started off with her wondering if I need to up my dose or try another antidepressant to get me through this time and I tried to articulate why I didn’t want to. I’m not good at explaining why but tried to explain that not a lot of studies have been done on protracted withdrawal so why would any doctor think this is anything but regular depression? I told her it’s truly not. Tried not to get frustrated. She said she completely understood but still wants me to see a psychiatrist just so someone is following what I’m doing. Session ended well and she helped me see that I’ve progressed more than I thought. Even though I still feel like it’s not enough I know I have to be patient. 
2:30pm small plate of food

2:45-4:15pm work. Turned on tv when finished, was texting a bit and some news. Sort of paying attention to tv. Read very sad article about doctors and nurses during pandemic and cried thinking about how depressed they must be and how much pressure they are under if I’m this bad right now. I haven’t seen death and constant trauma like they have. It made me somewhat relieved that I won’t be alone when all this is “over” and grateful that I wasn’t in that kind of position because who knows what state I would be in if I was...

6pm dinner. Medium size, hodgepodge of items. Decently healthy with protein and veggies 

6:40pm took 1 Tylenol. Legs and torso felt kind of sore like I had been walking all day (I hadn’t. Maybe from always being sitting)

8-8:45pm bath with last of Epsom salts and baking soda. Body felt good/relaxed after. after bath, no news or tv. Was looking on Amazon, texting a friend, reading book reviews and downloaded a couple audiobooks (rarely actually get to them but have them there in case)

10:15 laid down in bed

10:45pm calm sleep meditation. Felt awake but I did drift a little. probably fell asleep 11:15. 
2:40am woke up. Thought it would be 4am but it was 2:40. Felt disappointed that it was a short stretch of sleep. Calm sleep meditation 

4am woke up. Turned on calm sleep sound. Put on eye mask

6:30am awake. Stayed laying in bed with eyes closed and didn’t fall asleep

7am awake and sat up and just sat there

7:30am SA, sad lamp ten mins, ten mins of news, turned on iPad with Netflix. Calm meditation 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I wrote yesterday I did the calm meditation at 7:30am. I was about to and totally forgot about it all day which is unlike me. In desperate times I feel like I have to do these things. Maybe it’s good I forgot. 
 

Feb4-feb5

8:15-8:45am shower. Sneezing a ton. 
9am 0.15mg escitalopram 

10-1pm work. Started off being frustrated but got into a groove. My sort of counterpart at work noticed o answered and email and called just to say hello which was nice and made me feel good. 
1pm small lunch 

1:30-4:30pm work. Another coworker in a foreign office called to see how I was which again was so nice. It did make me wonder if people can tell I’m going through a bad time but I guess in the past they would call me to talk too. I felt somewhat accomplished about work today. Six hours and it wasn’t feeling awful like before. Was feeling good and not really caring about much but focusing on work.

6:30pm was when I realized I had forgotten the morning calm meditation and thought maybe it was a good sign that I wasn’t so preoccupied with my routine today.
6:40pm dinner. I ate my whole plate which was a normal portion and really enjoyed it. 
No news since 6:30pm through end of the night. 
10pm was still feeling nice but got a little upset with my mother. So I felt like it kind of ruined it. Tried to let it go. 
10:05pm laid down. Wide awake, really didn’t feel like winding down. Also eating the weekend which I was excited for because of no work. 
10:45pm calm sleep meditation, still wide awake. Watched a few random YouTube videos and tried to ignore the fact that I wasn’t able to sleep. 

11:37pm woke up and realized I fell asleep during the YouTube videos. Put on the calm sleep meditation again. Fell asleep at midnight

3:36am woke up. Restarted calm sleep meditation 

5:50am woke up. Restarted calm sleep meditation. Wide awake for an hour. 
6:50-8am was so tired and feeling cranky so turned on iPad Netflix, put on eye mask, propped myself up and leaned back and fell asleep that way. Slept for about an hour in this period.  
8-8:30am SA, ten mins sad lamp

[tryingtosurvive330]

Forgot my morning calm meditation again, yesterday morning. Two days in a row. Feels even more strange because I wasn’t just picking one to do every day, it was a 30 day program. I’m on the last day. Poor sleep last night but now it’s the weekend. Already dreading Sunday night and Monday, though. 

Feb5-Feb6

9am 0.15mg escitalopram, reading work emails on phone, washed face/got ready to go get routine bloodwork

9:45-10:30am bloodwork

10:30-12:30pm work

1pm very small bowl of soup, size of my fist

1:30-4pm work

5:45pm so hungry, ate a couple red potatoes and cheese

7pm ate good amount of lasagna but it was from frozen. Small amount of veggies. Tv all night. no news from about 6pm

11:30pm laid down but again didn’t feel like sleeping or that I could. Watched some YouTube videos and fell asleep like this for the second night at about midnight. 
12:30am woke up and realized I’d fallen asleep watching videos, fell right back asleep

2:30am woke up. Went back to sleep but felt like I was kind of awake the whole time even though my eyes were closed and I wasn’t moving

6:30am woke up. Eye mask

7:50am woke up. Felt really tired but couldn’t go back to sleep/didn’t try. Had some really bad dreams, that two people died but they were the same person (my grandfather and my moms dad). He passed away years ago. In the dream, my mom cried and talked about how medication wasn’t the answer to feeling better because it changes you and you become a different person.

8am-9am news, random silly buzzfeed lists, just sitting in bed feeling tired and not sure what I will do with my day. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Yesterday was decent. I don’t know if it was because I did one or two things to cross off my list or because I had such bad sleep the prior three nights but I fell asleep pretty easily on the couch last night, I wasn’t struggling and feeling bad that I couldn’t sleep. 
 

Feb6-Feb7

9am 0.15mg escitalopram

10-11:45am phone with my brother. While he cares a lot about me he’s often so busy with his family and really involved in fixing stuff at the house and his other commitments that I think sometimes he thinks about me but forgets or doesn’t have time to talk to me a lot. But he checked in on me and called and we talked for a long time which was really nice. 
12:15pm lunch, normal size

12:40-1:50pm cleaned out my car for only the second time in about three years. Took out a lot of trash, old receipts that I threw around, water bottles and gathered laundry that had built up in there. I don’t know what motivated me to do this except I felt I had to do one thing, and also I’m driving to see my brothers family this week after not seeing them for over a year due to the virus. He said ok to me coming because I have been so depressed. after, sat on the couch looking at my phone/news in silence which I haven’t been able to do in months and months (the silence)

4:30 turned on tv

6pm dinner, ate a good amount. Today I ate very well and reasonable portions. during dinner, my brother FaceTimed and said my nephew wanted to see us which made me so happy. He sounded happy to see us. 
my parents didn’t seem too happy that I’m driving to see my brother (father is a jealous, pretty sensitive person who takes everything personally. He was likely thinking how come she can go and we can’t). My mother is just worried about my condition and that I will be tired for the drive. tv on the rest of the night. 
9:15pm couldn’t keep my eyes open on the couch watching tv. Let myself fall asleep for about 20-30 minutes

10:30-11:30pm fell asleep on couch

11:30pm moved to bed, in the process woke up and lost the sleepiness even though I was really tired. turned on YouTube videos as I have been for the last three nights

12am fell asleep

5am woke up. Felt uncomfortable, like I was tired but wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. But I did, and had lots of bad dreams. 
7am woke up. Felt small anxiety in body. Read some news 

8am calm meditation after forgetting the last couple days. Finished 30 day program. Writing on SA, ten minutes sad lamp
 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Pretty bad night of sleep but anticipating days off after today so just hoping I can rest tomorrow and for a few days. 
 

Feb7-Feb8

9am 0.15mg escitalopram

9:30-10:30am walked/sat in local garden. Walked for 15 -20 mins and sat for the rest

11:30am small lunch

12-1pm drove an hour back to my house, to clean a bit and meet a friend

1-2:15pm laundry, picked fruit from trees to share with neighbors and family (felt nice to drop it off at the neighbors), cleaned a bit

2:30-5pm drove to lookout point at beach to talk with my friend who I hadn’t seen in a month due to her partner getting covid. He is fine and healthy now. I have been texting with my friend every day and it was hard for me not to be able to see her because she is one of the few I feel comfortable talking to about my situation. During the first crash of WD when I felt like I was hit by a truck, I felt pretty intense anxiety and down feelings when I could not go on a walk with her as we had just started to get back into trying to schedule just outside time one a week or every couple weeks 

5-6pm drove back to moms house

6:40pm dinner, was very hungry and ate quite a lot until I was pretty full. Usually haven’t been eating until full lately. 
7:55-8:25pm took a bath, out of Epsom salts. Put in some baking soda

8:30-10:40pm tv

10:45pm laid down, put on YouTube videos and fell asleep around 11:30-midnight

2:30am woke up

5:30am woke up. Felt like I had some very very light sleep in the last 3 hours. Turned on Netflix low volume and propped myself up in kind of sitting position again, put on eye mask

6am woke up

6:30am woke up

6:40am woke up, felt like I had just slipped into sleep but blinked awake

7am awake. Read 5-10 minutes of news. SA, ten mins sad lamp

 

[Dejavu]

Hi @tryingtosurvive330, I've read your thread. Looks like you're doing fairly well. I know not as well as you want, but it will come. It really will.

 

Just a couple of thoughts on your sleep pattern. I wonder if the short Calm sleep audios are actually doing more harm than good? I only say that because it seems your sleep pattern may be shaping itself around the anticipation of having to restart them over and over throughout the night. In other words, in the back of your mind, you know that audio will end at some point, and your brain subconsciously awakens you to restart it. The mind is an amazingly adaptive organ, and subject to repetition. Stranger things have certainly happened. Evidence of this is the fact that you've forgotten to start them a couple of times, and it doesn't look like your sleep substantially suffered for it.

 

I too, am awaiting stabilization after a series of tapering blunders. I'm having plenty of symptoms, but I've been able to put a big dent in my insomnia by doing some very simple things. Firstly, I use at least an 8 to 10 hour sleep hypnosis video. My favorites are done by Lauren Fenton Ostrowski or Jason Stephenson. Set it up once and done. I don't know how any of them end, because I'm out in less than a half hour. I also think it's best to put the sleeping mask on even though it is still dark. By the time the light hits your eyes, it's too late. The message has already been sent to your brain to awaken. By waiting for daylight to apply your mask, you're closing the barn door after the cows get out, as we say in Texas. The extra hour or two of post-dawn sleep you're now struggling to get, you might be able to get in an effortless, uninterrupted manner with just some minor tweaking.

 

In short, I try to create a sleep environment AND a mindset in which I've got everything I need to stay asleep for 8+ full hours. Whatever that means to you. For me, it's plenty of pillows, covers just right, dogs not in my way, etc. I don't often hit that 8 hour goal yet, but I do now consistently sleep 6-7 hours straight through, sometimes awakening once to use the bathroom, from which I go right back down, because the audio is still playing, and my brain knows it's still "sleep time". In this way, sleep becomes something that is continuous rather than something I have to try to "recreate." 

 

As a result, my sleep has vastly improved over the past few months, and I have built a new neural pathway in my brain that views sleeping as a treat, rather than a challenge. It took me a few weeks of following this ritual to create this neural pathway, but I found it was totally worth it. I hope this helps in some small way.

[tryingtosurvive330]

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

 

Just a couple of thoughts on your sleep pattern. I wonder if the short Calm sleep audios are actually doing more harm than good? I only say that because it seems your sleep pattern may be shaping itself around the anticipation of having to restart them over and over throughout the night. In other words, in the back of your mind, you know that audio will end at some point, and your brain subconsciously awakens you to restart it.

@Dejavu thank you for reading through my thread so thoughtfully. I had never thought of this but it makes total sense! I remember at the beginning I was trying to find the sleep stories that were the longest because I knew that the 20 minute ones would inevitably leave me awake and frustrated that I’d have to move and find a new one or restart it to fill my head with some light noise. 
 

The last couple of days, I pretty much let go of the calm sleep meditations and was more just forgetting the morning ones (after I woke up, to start the day)

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

Firstly, I use at least an 8 to 10 hour sleep hypnosis video. My favorites are done by Lauren Fenton Ostrowski or Jason Stephenson.

Do you use these on YouTube? In the beginning I was using Michael sealey which is much shorter, and one day I got extremely jolted and scared awake by the sudden ads appearing. If on YouTube, are you aware of this happening on your 8 hour videos? Perhaps they pay to not have ads interrupt?

 

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

I also think it's best to put the sleeping mask on even though it is still dark. By the time the light hits your eyes, it's too late.

For this, typically when I wake up it’s still dark. Do you think that’s still not enough? Maybe as you suggested my body just knows when it’s about to be light and the action of putting it on is disturbing. I have left it off because even the slightest pressure on my ear from the band tends to make it ache after just a few minutes. But maybe I can find a better fitting one. 
 

i also used to view sleep as a treat, as a child I loved sleeping in and as an adult I have always loved naps. I’m sad  that I’m excited for sleep knowing there is a good chance it won’t be enough. You gave me a lot of great tips and it’s helpful to hear them from someone who experienced it and saw improvements firsthand like this. Regarding the environment, it made me think of my dog...I had been sleeping on my couch for a long time where there was carpet and she never bothered me. Then when I moved back to my room with hard floors, every time she’d get up and I would hear her nails tapping on the floor it would give me some extreme unease. I have thought about laying down rugs to dampen the harsh noise. 
 

thanks again for your input and for reading what I’m going through. The advice is really valuable to me. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Dejavu also, how long did it take you to start hitting that 6-7 hours of sleep once you created your good environment and turned on those long videos? Have you been able to sleep like this for quite awhile now?

 

Your signature says you went in a wave mid 2020. I hope you have seen a little improvement over the last several months? That’s a long wave!

[Dejavu]

You're very welcome. I hope some of it helps.

 

Yes, the audios I spoke about are on You Tube. Sorry, I should have mentioned that. I've never heard any interruptions of ads. That would be a deal-killer for me.

 

About the mask: our cortisol gets the message to rise at around 4am as the darkest part of the night begins to wane. Also, I was just thinking the act of having to put on the mask psychologically separates the "good" part of sleep into the "bad part," and subconsciously signals you to start "trying" to sleep at that point. Investing in a quality mask might be a good thing.

 

The idea is to create a time continuum beginning the moment you lie down to sleep until the moment it's time to get up. The more you can see a night's sleep as one cohesive thing, the better. Let me know how you're doing!

[Dejavu]

5 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

how long did it take you to start hitting that 6-7 hours of sleep once you created your good environment and turned on those long videos? Have you been able to sleep like this for quite awhile now?

I'd say the audios started working the first night. But I was still waking often for about a month or so. Like everything else withdrawal-related, it was gradual. But I'd say I was getting those 7-8 uninterrupted hours in a couple of months. It was great because it was one of the few things I tried that really made a difference. It gave me some peace of mind and at least a tiny sense of control over my own body for the first time in a long while. Also, I'm convinced that better sleep helped me stabilize faster. So it was a huge thing for me. I really hope it helps you too!

 

11 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Your signature says you went in a wave mid 2020. I hope you have seen a little improvement over the last several months? That’s a long wave!

Yes, I made a few tapering mistakes after I stabilized and knocked myself back off the wall. I was almost stable in November but came down with a nasty sinus infection in January which put me back into the wave. I'm going to take a little taper vacation after I stabilize, but I'll still be around. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

6 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

It gave me some peace of mind and at least a tiny sense of control over my own body for the first time in a long while. Also, I'm convinced that better sleep helped me stabilize faster. So it was a huge thing for me. I really hope it helps you too!

I totally understand and want this. I feel as though I’ve lost control and to feel like you’ve done something for yourself that helped must feel wonderful. And I one hundred percent think that if I were to have better sleep I’d stabilize faster too! I felt this way about my eating. I knew that the less I ate the worse I’d feel physically and it would affect me mentally. Now that I can eat almost normally now, I really feel it helped me hit a slightly better level of stability. 
 

After I asked about your wave I visited your thread. I am very sorry to hear how tough it has been for you. You have been through a lot, and even without the tapering difficulties that is so much to handle! I really admire how you have pushed through things when it felt so bad, and it makes me even more grateful that you took the time to give me some advice. I truly hope things improve for you soon, and if not soon at least that it steadily gets better. How nice it is to have strangers rooting for you and to be able to root for them, too!

[Dejavu]

Aww, thank you. Very sweet of you. I don't know how well I'm really handling it all, though, especially lately. My poor husband has to provide constant support and reassurance. This is getting very hard on him, too. Although he'd never say so, I'm sure he gets tired of my tears and having to talk me off the ledge on a daily basis. He has been absolutely wonderful through all this. But I am exhausted in every way. I'm just hoping to get stable and sit still on my dose for a while. Hope it happens soon. This is certainly not the way I pictured living out the rest of my life. Like...at all.

 

I'm really rooting for your sleep to improve soon. Sometimes I tell myself "It doesn't matter whether I sleep tonight or not. It's just one night, and I'll get another chance tomorrow." That's taken the pressure off sometimes and made it easier to drop off. I would try anything you can think of to make sleep manifest in your mind as a singular, cohesive, unbroken event. And by the way, I hear you on the dog toenails on the floor. Rugs in all the bedrooms are a must for me!!!

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Dejavu Thinking about sleep as cohesive feels like a key element that I was missing. I was always just assuming it will be broken, that’s just what I’ll deal with. Of course I long for uninterrupted sleep but thinking of it in different words like you did kind of changes the perception in my eyes a little. 
 

It must be difficult for you to see your husband struggling too, and while I’m not married I was constantly thinking I was a burden to others I reached out to and thought about how exhausting it must be for them because it’s exhausting for me too! I felt a lot of guilt about that. I also said to myself who would even want to be with someone as pathetic as me. But try to hang on the the notion that this is definitely the better alternative, he clearly cares for your well being and would rather you be here, with him supporting you, rather than not there at all. Although your living situation sounds overwhelming and crowded I’m glad you are surrounded by loving family members and animals that always love unconditionally  WD aside, I feel like everyone is trying to hold/prop each other up right now. This is an awful time. And for those who say everything is great, I don’t truly believe. Of course I don’t want anyone to suffer but knowing I am not alone does help me a bit, thinking we all need to support each other. 

[Shep]

16 hours ago, Dejavu said:

. I wonder if the short Calm sleep audios are actually doing more harm than good? I only say that because it seems your sleep pattern may be shaping itself around the anticipation of having to restart them over and over throughout the night. In other words, in the back of your mind, you know that audio will end at some point, and your brain subconsciously awakens you to restart it. The mind is an amazingly adaptive organ, and subject to repetition. Stranger things have certainly happened. Evidence of this is the fact that you've forgotten to start them a couple of times, and it doesn't look like your sleep substantially suffered for it.

 

Great point, Dejavu. 

 

Neuroplasticity can work for good and for bad. 

 

11 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Do you use these on YouTube? In the beginning I was using Michael sealey which is much shorter, and one day I got extremely jolted and scared awake by the sudden ads appearing. If on YouTube, are you aware of this happening on your 8 hour videos? Perhaps they pay to not have ads interrupt?

 

I downloaded a lot of YouTube meditations and music so I wouldn't be bothered by ads. Firefox is one of the easier browsers for downloading these videos. You can save them on your computer desktop and play them ad free. 

 

Google on YouTube to find how-to videos for this. 

 

I also have an ancient iPod nano and I was able to convert YouTube MP4 files into MP3 files and save them on my iPod. It allowed me to have ad-free content and also not have my computer on. 

 

So check out whatever technology you have and make it work for you. 

 

[mstimc]

The Yellow Brick Cinema channel on Youtube has several continuous "live" sleep music videos.  There's usually an ad at the beginning but after that its just calming music non-stop.  I use it nightly. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Thank you @Shepand @mstimc for the tips on the videos. I will try them out. 
 

Last nights sleep started off poorly because I was anticipating no work today, so I went to bed later than I should have. I think it ended ok though. Didn’t yet try the sleep YouTubes. I think I was also engrossed in reading on here later at night and I started thinking about stuff. 
 

8-9am washed up, email, 0.15mg escitalopram

9-10am work

10-1pm in car, driving to and from an appointment. Listened to audiobook and talked to boss. 
1pm ate lunch, not too big but enough 

1:30-6:30pm work. Turned on th toward end. Was not hungry at all 

8:15pm still not hungry but ate dinner anyway. Smaller amount than lunch

11:30pm laid down. Netflix and YouTube were running at the same time (I know it’s weird but it creates a comforting white noise)

12am fell asleep

1:55am woke up. Felt uncomfortable and achy due to a shot. Tried to adjust and prop myself up, just didn’t feel too well, so took 2 Tylenol. Felt better pretty quickly and was able to lay down, also put on eye mask thinking well, it’s still actually dark and I’m already kind of in pain to I should try this now as was suggested (at least earlier, even though I didn’t put it on right at bedtime). Fell asleep likely by 2:30 or 3am

6:30am was “drifting out” of sleep but could tell I had fallen asleep fairly deeply after the Tylenol. Kept eyes closed and mask on and drifted back into sleep until waking up at 7am

7am some news, SA, sad lamp ten minutes

 

i think I was ok with last nights sleep because I woke up feeling achy and uncomfortable and assumed I would really get no sleep, and then I got 3-4 hours of straight sleep, also knowing I have no work today. I’ve taken the rest of this week, and all of next week, off from work. Even deleted my work chat app and outlook from my phone. 

 

[Shep]

21 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Felt uncomfortable and achy due to a shot.

 

Trying, what type of "shot" are you dealing with? Are you dealing with another medical condition that may be complicating your withdrawal? 

 

21 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I’ve taken the rest of this week, and all of next week, off from work. Even deleted my work chat app and outlook from my phone

 

Best non-drug coping technique in the world. Very glad you're not only taking a break from working, but you're also removing yourself from the online invasions, as well. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

1 hour ago, Shep said:

 

Trying, what type of "shot" are you dealing with? Are you dealing with another medical condition that may be complicating your withdrawal? 

Shep, no other medical conditions. It was actually the covid vaccine. I had felt a lot of guilt for being lucky enough to receive it because I knew that in early January when I was feeling at my most horrible, I was having severe health anxiety and paranoia about covid and would feel real awful feelings of jealousy/envy for those who got it. I talked through those feelings with my therapist more than once who told me depression puts us at high risk too and it’s a serious condition, so she’s glad and I should be glad that I got it, especially considering how messy the rollout was. I just didn’t want to be one of this people who “showed off” that they got it and contributed to someone else feeling how I did. I realize that’s a lot of weight for me to take on. But in short, I think I was having side effects from the shot. 
 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

Best non-drug coping technique in the world. Very glad you're not only taking a break from working, but you're also removing yourself from the online invasions, as well. 

I’m glad to hear you say this, because I have this voice in me that keeps saying “maybe you shouldn’t take he time, what if you get worse from not having the routine?” And so many other negative things. I was also already thinking ahead to “how bad will I feel once the break is over?”  My therapist reminded me that our negative thoughts can affect the experience, which could make my break less enjoyable and thus fulfill my worry about feeling bad at the end. So I will do my best to just enjoy the time. It is very helpful to get the reminder. So much of this feels like common sense but of course when you’re in it that goes out the window. I also have very little self compassion and tend to think it’s ok for others, but not for me, I don’t deserve this. 
 

Yesterday was ok after I took the Tylenol, which really alleviated my side effects. Felt sad at the end of the day because I will be without my dog until the end of next week and she has been by my side 24/7 for at least 2 or 3 months. Kept looking at her, trying to snuggle her and take photos with her. 
 

Feb9-Feb10

8:50am 0.15mg escitalopram

11:09am 2 Tylenol for vaccine side effects, felt run down and sick. 
11:15-1pm therapy. Cried just a little bit. The rest went well, it felt productive and she addressed a lot of questions/wonderings I had about myself and the battle in my head that I’m constantly having; things like feeling like everyone thinks I’m a mean and angry person for one irritable exchange when I’m normally kind and friendly.

1:15-2pm tried to drive my dog to groomer. Got there, and they said I didn’t have an appointment. Checked the appointment and I had scheduled it for next week. A couple weeks ago this would have made me cry. I was extremely mad at myself because I have been screwing up dates a lot lately. I came back home and was still bothered by it but ultimately let it go. Was going to wash her myself but felt too tired and somewhat defeated. 
2pm small lunch. Watched tv

3:30-5pm took a nap on the couch in front of the tv. Was falling asleep pretty hard and felt like I slept pretty deeply, felt a little better when I woke. Was a little worried it would affect the nights sleep. not sure if it was fatigue from vaccine, or lack or sleep the night before, or maybe just everything and overall worry. 
6pm dinner, ate a good amount, was pretty full. Only eaten until feeling really full a small handful of times since December. 
10:30pm laid down. Turned on some cute YouTube videos

11:15pm had drifted off, turned over and really closed my eyes. 
11:30pm fell asleep

2:30am woke up. Again felt surprised that it was only 2:30, felt like it would be 4am. Put on sleep mask (will get a good one soon so I can use it from the beginning of the night as dejavu suggested)

5:30am woke up

6:30am woke up 

7am awake, used restroom, SA, ten mins sad lamp. Read news for about 5-10 minutes. 
 

Today I am making the five hour drive to visit my brother and his family whom I haven’t seen in over a year because of the virus. I don’t think he was wanting to let me come because the virus was so bad especially in California, except when I was feeling so bad and wanting to die a few weeks ago I begged him for a visit because I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and the only thing I had my eyes set on was a visit. At the time it felt like the only thing that mattered. I think he saw that that was the only thing that could get me to think of anything else at that time. I am really excited to see them and they said they are excited too. I keep imagining what it will be like to hug them and I always well up with tears. 

 

[Shep]

20 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Shep, no other medical conditions. It was actually the covid vaccine. I had felt a lot of guilt for being lucky enough to receive it because I knew that in early January when I was feeling at my most horrible, I was having severe health anxiety and paranoia about covid and would feel real awful feelings of jealousy/envy for those who got it. I talked through those feelings with my therapist more than once who told me depression puts us at high risk too and it’s a serious condition, so she’s glad and I should be glad that I got it, especially considering how messy the rollout was.

 

Unless you did anything illegal to get the vaccine, there's no reason to feel guilty. We can't all get it at one time. The vaccine roll out happens as it happens and as you noted, it's a messy process. 

 

Hopefully the uptick in symptoms from it will fade out quickly. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

sleep was pretty poor last night, but aside from a little frustration that I’m just really tired and would like to feel some deep sleep, I’m not too distraught about it. Just sick of the cycle. 

Feb10-Feb11

9am 0.15mg escitalopram. Vacuumed a bit

9:45am left for 5 hour drive to brothers

12pm had to eat, was on the road so ate two McDonald cheeseburgers (took off about half the bun) and got apples instead of fries, and water. 
2:45pm arrived at destination 

1-7pm was playing with nephew, helped a bit with dinner. Are very little at dinner

7:30-10pm watched about 30 mins of tv with family, as they got ready for bed I read news and journaled.

10:30pm laid down. Turned on YouTube videos 

11:15pm was awake

11:45pm fell asleep

1:40am woke up

4am woke up

6am woke up

7am woke up, sat up. 5 minutes of news, SA, ten mins sad lamp. From 4am to now I don’t feel like I was really sleeping. Just laid there and rested

 

[Jennings]

I’m glad you are with your family.  I hope you are able to enjoy this time.

 

After today I’m off until Tuesday which is huge for me to rest.

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Jennings thank you, the first couple days had been nice. Felt some sadness at times but am trying to enjoy. Hope you can really relax until Tuesday, glad you have the time off. 
 

Feb11-Feb12

9-9:15am played Just Dance video game with nephew. Vigorous activity and I was struggling pretty hard. 
9:15am 0.15mg escitalopram

9:30-10am showered

10-10:30am played Just Dance again, so exhausted. Sweaty but cold. sat a couple out. 
10:45-10:55am outside

11-11:30am virtual preschool with nephew

12pm half tuna wrap for lunch, pretty small. Ate some dried fruit

1-2pm played outside with nephew. Sat in sun when it came out for a few minutes. Came inside, really cold so sat on couch with blanket, kept playing.

3pm banana
6pm dinner, ate quite a lot. 
7-8pm read news, looking on phone 

9-10pm talking with family, was really nice and my sis in law said it felt normal, and this week was better than others

10:45pm laid down, put on YouTube 

11:30-12am fell asleep 

4am woke up, eye mask (they have blackout curtains too)

7am woke up. Back was hurting so propped myself up. Fell back sleep for about 40 minutes

8am awake. 15 minutes of news, no sad lamp

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I also had a small glass of wine last night with dinner. I was worried afterwards, if I would wake up feeling depressed but I seemed to tolerate it well. I have not been craving alcohol at all, but last night I felt like I wanted a tiny bit because my brother and sister in law were enjoying it and we used to like having some beer or wine together. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Feb12-Feb13

9:15am 0.15mg escitalopram

10:30-10:50am just dance video game with family

11-12pm a couple small chores like phone calls to companies I had been putting off

12:30pm small lunch. Felt somewhat nice to kind of have meals on a normal persons schedule, with others and not alone where I could just not eat and no one would say anything. Or binge and no one would say anything. not by myself, spiraling. Felt like I was observing and relearning what is ok and normal, like I’m a kid or learning to be a human again. 
6:30pm heavy dinner of burger and fries. Didn’t eat the whole burger but it was a double, had bacon and cheese. 
7-9pm watching tv with nephews. 10:30pm laid down, YouTube videos

11:15pm fell asleep 

1:10am woke up

1:40am woke up 

6am woke up

7am woke up

8:40am woke up. Was surprised i slept that much extra, 8:40 feels like sleeping in. I think I was exhausted from waking up so much and we had a pretty full day the day before. had strange dreams. 
 

Feb13-Feb14

9:27am 0.15mg escitalopram. Again no sad lamp, this makes 3 days in a row without it. 
9:43am feeling a little down. Feel rested, nice that I got extra sleep but kind of just want to sit and do nothing. Slight empty feeling. Wishing I could be happy because I’m with family. 
10am family breakfast 

2pm small snack. Felt pretty normal all day after the morning

7pm big dinner, decently healthy. We had “thanksgiving” since we couldn’t be together for thanksgiving or Christmas. 1 glass of champagne

8-9:30pm watched movie with family

10:30pm laid down, YouTube 

11:15pm fell asleep 

1:50am woke up

6am woke up. Turned on calm sleep sound (it’s ongoing)

8am woke up. 5 minutes of news

9:15am 0.15mg escitalopram 
 

[Shep]

On 2/12/2021 at 1:23 PM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I also had a small glass of wine last night with dinner. I was worried afterwards, if I would wake up feeling depressed but I seemed to tolerate it well. I have not been craving alcohol at all, but last night I felt like I wanted a tiny bit because my brother and sister in law were enjoying it and we used to like having some beer or wine together. 

 

17 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

7pm big dinner, decently healthy. We had “thanksgiving” since we couldn’t be together for thanksgiving or Christmas. 1 glass of champagne

 

Just a tip: I would avoid any alcohol until you are completely healed. I've seen quite a number of people go into brutal waves due to even small amounts of alcohol. Alcohol is notorious for destroying sleep architecture, so I would be very protective of your sleep until you've completely healed.  

[tryingtosurvive330]

Thanks Shep, you’re right. I hadn’t touched alcohol and was afraid of it since WD. I was nervous about it the first night having read a thread where someone had drank some beers and then was plunged back for awhile. The second time I got lax about it. Not planning on touching it again, especially when I’m back home and not surrounded by family. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Feb14-Feb15
9:15am 0.15mg escitalopram

1230pm small lunch

3-4pm went to nearby lake/creek, lots of trees

6:30pm small dinner. Watched over an hour of tv with nephews. Went over to small Airbnb I rented for a couple nights

940 100mg magnesium bisglycinate - have not taken this since early jan or possible late dec

1030 laid down

1130 fell asleep

110 woke up

2am woke up

6-7 woke up

8am awake. Disturbing dreams. Woke with some anxiety maybe from dreams. Feel pretty tired. Different atmosphere, cold. 
 

I feel much more tired today but I was also in an unfamiliar environment last night. I don’t think the magnesium did any good or bad. Have noticed the last couple days I have had stretches of feeling really blah and I get distracted and forget about that by the end of the day. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I started my period on Monday 2/15. Earlier, I had thought that part of my crying spells for the last two months were due to PMS (maybe partially, in addition to WD). But this time, I didn’t have those spells or really bad feelings. I felt a little worse in the mornings but in the few days leading up to my period I felt ok. 

 

I have never really tracked my period since I was on birth control, but for this one I noticed it was a few days later. But I guess I have been under a lot of stress and the last month of eating had been erratic. 
 

I’m still at my brothers house. Wondering if I’m in “WD normal” as I’ve felt pretty consistently...how I am currently. Feel like it’s too early to think about tapering again. Kind of don’t know what to think right now. 

[Jennings]

You are doing great!  You’ve sounded so much better.

 

I saw you were using the Calm app, I just finished the 30 day beginners meditation.  It really helped me sleep.  Now I’m at a loss of what else I should be listening to in there.  Last night I had Emily Blunt read me a bedtime story at 3 am.  Ha

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Jenningsthanks, it definitely doesn’t feel like I’m doing great but when I read back, you’re right, I think I can see I’m already in a very different place than a few weeks ago. 
 

I did the 30 day calm too, it didn’t help me sleep but it gave me something to focus on every morning and a little bit of routine. I did the 7 days of sleep twice in a row, first with Tamara levitt as the narrator then the other guy the second time around (didn’t like his version as much). They’re supposed to be meant for the day but I would do them when I laid down and I feel like I drifted off during them, and they talked about the worries and thoughts that keep us up and I liked it. I haven’t done anything else either, not sure what to do...I know it’s good to do it for a few minutes every day but when I’m not in panic mode sometimes I feel like there’s no point, or I don’t want to do something that’s overly optimistic and feel a bit cynical about it. I have been watching these cute ten minute YouTube videos of a father and son eating new foods at night and they are light and sweet and a little comforting. 

[Jennings]

Some of the Tamara Levitt ones make me more anxious, the 4 second breathing ones almost give me a panic attack.

[tryingtosurvive330]

I can understand that, the 4 second breathing ones were not good for me either. The timing felt too fast. 
 

I also like Deep Rest by Oren something. And the crackling fireplace sleep sound was soothing and it just goes on forever. I only listened to the sleep story by Anna Acton because it looked like it was the longest. Her voice was soothing. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I realized today that I think I started on 50mg of Zoloft in 2015 and quickly went up to 100mg. Searching through my notes that’s what I found. I can’t find my history on the pharmacy website. I remember totally forgetting what I had taken and for some reason I went digging today. I don’t know where I got the 25mg that is in my signature. Maybe when I created it I was so gone that I thought it didn’t matter since it was a few years ago. It’s kind of making me second guess myself a lot. In the past couple months I was getting really frustrated with myself for messing up dates and forgetting things. I used to have a pretty good memory.