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tryingtosurvive330: Extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach


tryingtosurvive330

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tryingtosurvive330

Now I found the history on my med app...it does say 25mg then up to 50mg in 2018. I wonder if I was on 25mg then the doctor gave me the 50mg because it would last longer to have higher doses of pills and cut them for tapering/I wouldn’t have to keep refilling the script in order to taper?

 

I don’t know how to stop thinking about this. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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  • Moderator
14 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I don’t know where I got the 25mg that is in my signature.

If you want to change your signature to reflect the accurate 2015 dosage, use this link, then click on "save."

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin Brassmonkey Slide taper.  Current dose: 17.8mgai.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (0.44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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tryingtosurvive330
1 minute ago, Gridley said:

If you want to change your signature to reflect the accurate 2015 dosage, use this link, then click on "save."

Thanks Gridley...I was more confused as to how I came up with this amount. After going back and for for thirty minutes I think I came to the conclusion that it was 25mg. The 50mg I saw was prescribed after I quit, and was around the time I was seeking a new antidepressant so I think the doctor had tried to give me the 50mg and I didn’t want to take it. 
 

I think the 100mg was what the first doctor wanted me to go up to and I also refused that. In my notes I had written “doc wanted me to start 100mg but I had not started as of 6/25/18”...no notes after that. I think that means I never strayed from the 25mg. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

Wow, I just drove myself in a complete circle. I found messages between myself and my doctor and I was on 100mg. Tapered off by going straight to 50mg and then 50mg every other day per her instructions in 2018. I’ll update my signature...not sure if this is overlapping with my current situation. 
 

I haven’t been extremely concerned about my WD this week as I’ve been with my brother and his family. I’m leaving tomorrow. I wonder if I’m finding a reason to fixate on this because it’s going to be a shift/change. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

Missed a few days of my daily log since I was at my brother’s, and things were going well for the most part. I had a couple mornings where I felt a little empty and anxious but they subsided within a couple hours. 
 

Friday and Saturday night, I did have half a beer (ipa so really like one regular beer) with dinner. I had no intention of that up until I actually had them. Friday, I was totally fine as I had been the previous two times during the trip that I had a little bit of win/champagne. I even slept pretty well (for the situation) and only woke up twice and got 8 hours of sleep total. Saturday, the night before I was scheduled to drive back down to SoCal, I was anxious and sad about leaving, and very anxious about going back to work. My sister in law and I also talked about stuff with my father which upset me right before bed. I woke up several times, once at 2am from having bad dreams about my parents and started crying. Stayed awake for an hour. 
 

Sunday, I was really tearful before the drive back. Cried a lot in the morning to my brother and cried for the first hour of the drive, again for a few minutes when talking to my coworker about work and my mental health. Arrived back in SoCal and was absolutely exhausted. For the first time in a few weeks, I again had zero appetite despite my growing stomach. On the drive I had a granola bar and when I arrived home I had a small dinner. Was on my phone all night texting, and the night went like this:

 

10pm laid down, put on YouTube. Tossing around a little and sis in law was texting me so I was responding until 11pm. Started crying again and probably cried for about 20 minutes

12am fell asleep with eye mask on

4:40am woke up

5:40am woke up. Had not felt I slept again at all, it was like I blinked and it was an hour later

6:30am awake. Stressed, anxious, 10 minute calm meditation (I hadn’t been doing any my whole trip except for the last three or four days). Absolutely dreading work and facing my problems now that I’m back. Feeling so overwhelmed. Yesterday I decided I probably need to take some sort of leave of absence or fmla for at least a month. Once I figure it out...I am going to try to power through a couple weeks or a month of work. 


There was a point at which I dreaded both night and day. But right now I can’t  wait until night so I can escape the hell that is daytime. Even though I’m so tired and sleep is still disturbed. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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You're healing!!! At least a little bit, a month ago you were dreading everything and now you're having moments or clarity and hope.

 

You had a really nice relaxing time with family and now you're back so naturally the stressors of life are effecting you again.  Before meds and while on them the stressors may have bothered you a little but now that you're nervous system is out of whack they are terrible.  As you heal you will be able to deal with the stressors better.  I'm at work right now and it's a living hell.  All I can do is hope it gets better.

 

Have you been walking?  I have been walking for 20 minutes to a half hour every day and then doing some gentle yoga at night.  Maybe 20 minutes of yoga.  Also meditate for 20 minutes a day.  These coping skills are good for life even at the best of times.  So make them a habit now and when you heal still do them.

 

You've got this.  Keep taking care of yourself and you will heal.

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

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tryingtosurvive330

Feb21-feb22

8:30am work. Worked until almost 7pm. Very bad mood all morning, didn’t feel ready at all to start again. Felt so sh*tty. 
2pm 2 hard boiled eggs. Feeling really difficult to eat again. This worries me a lot. 
3pm had sudden moment of desperation to get out of this situation and set up time to talk to a recruiter about another job even though for weeks and in the morning I thought any big change would throw me off another cliff. Felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. Now feeling again like a big new change is a bad idea as I write this. 
6:45pm back is hurting. I feel like this happens a lot when I don’t eat. Feel weak. 
7pm very small dinner

8:45-9:05pm bath with Epsom salt and baking soda. Couldn’t relax all that much. In the middle, had stomachache and had to get out and use the bathroom

9:15pm tiny dessert/snack. Didn’t really want it and don’t know why I ate it. 
10:30pm feeling sh*tty but “functional”. Was so so tired during the day, now a little awake.

10:45pm laid down. Friend texting and I responded. YouTube on

11:15-11:30pm slept. Woke up 11:30

12am fell back asleep

4am woke up but kept eyes closed and kept sleeping

5am woke up, kept eyes closed and didn’t sleep. Just laid there with eyes closed until 6:30

6:30am took off eye mask, “awake”. Friend texted so I responded, told her I was feeling down and bad. Wish it were night again because I don’t want to face the day. Feeling bad and dark. 20 minute calm meditation 

 

Feeling the need to sigh and take lots of deep breaths again the last couple days. I had stopped doing the incessant sighing a couple weeks ago I think. 

 
 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

@Jennings thanks for the encouragement. It feels really bad right now. I was walking and doing some light fun exercise with family (small nephew who I missed so much and wanted to spend time with) up there (dancing video games) but when I’m back here I feel like, scared to walk. I can’t bring myself to do it. I will try the yoga at night. Are you doing actual like exercise yoga or stretch/restoration type? And I had stopped meditating for awhile but started it back up, was only ever doing ten mins at a time but today I did the 20 at your suggestion. Do you feel like those things are really helping you? After your pass-out experience has it gotten better, and were you keeping up with these practices before that?

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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tryingtosurvive330

Feeling pretty anxious and heavy right now. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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I go on YouTube and find a nighttime yoga routine, it really helps before bed.

 

Yes I was doing these things before I passed out, but I have been for the last few months since this nightmare started.

 

Most likely you are feeling worse because of stressors like being back at work.  We are now back in the office full time in NY for whatever reason and it’s been stressful for me.  I kind of enjoyed working from home.  Now I have people living normal lives trying to chat me you and it’s stressful.

 

I am feeling better but not great.  

 

 

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

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tryingtosurvive330

Feb23-Feb24

8:45am turned on computer for work

9am 0.15mg escitalopram 

9:08am pit in my stomach, feel sick. Upset stomach/bowel movements starting again. 
10am I set an alarm to check with how I felt after taking reinstatement this morning. Still crappy.
12:30pm very small lunch

12:45-1pm walked dog around block once

2pm upset stomach/loose bowel movement

2-7pm was on the phone with multiple people. Hour with someone about my anxiety having to talk to boss. Hour with boss who said I didn’t seem well and ceo noticed too that I wasn’t fully back/engaged after coming back to work. Hour with acquaintance about where she works. Hour again with the first person asking about how my chat with the boss went. One hour of work sprinkled in here. 
7:15pm medium portion dinner, had to force it a little. 1 Tylenol, back was hurting a lot. Since I talked ok the phone so much, not really feeling better but not terrible, if that makes sense. Just felt empty
9:50pm Calm app stretch for before bedtime/low back

10:10pm laid down, youtube. Felt so tired and drained. 

11:15pm pulled eye mask over eyes and fell asleep

3:55am woke up. Could not fall back asleep

5am fell back asleep

7am woke up. Stomach churning, anxiety. Kept trying to fall back asleep.  pockets of sleep here
7:45am awake. 10 min Calm anxiety meditation. Still anxious. Felt the doom cloud 

 

Feel sick to my stomach, had bad dreams. Feeling weak again because of the revived eating struggles and anxiety. 
 

I know it doesn’t help to hit the snooze button, but is me trying to always keep falling back asleep and getting pockets of a few minutes of extra sleep worse than just waking up? I don’t set an alarm because I know I wake up so much without it so that means I never hit snooze anymore but is me just trying to fall back asleep the same thing?
 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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Hey @tryingtosurvive330 hang in there! I feel and understand your pain. I am the same, I live in NorCal. Im on 2 SSRIs right now, really confusing mix. I took medical disability leave for about 4 months last summer because of a taper/switch gone wrong. At work right now, job is easy but hard as hell when in withdrawal or tapering. 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

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tryingtosurvive330

@DiscJockeythanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate and I looked at your signature. It inspires me when I see someone like you getting through it because it seems like your doctors put you through the wringer and you still have a positive attitude. 
 

@Jennings I’m really glad you’re feeling better. I hope your family is being understanding and you made the right decision for yourself and stood up for what you believe is right for you. When I get comments like “sounds like the low dose isn’t working” i know they just want me to be better but I feel like no one really understands. I wouldn’t have understood prior to this experience either. 
 

I’ve had such a jumbly upset stomach all day. Anxiety gives me gastrointestinal issues that make me feel so jittery and uncomfortable and upset. Around noon I had brief flashes of feeling ok but they literally last like 2 seconds. I wish I could grab them and hold on. Anyone else have those?

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
  • Mentor
1 minute ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I wish I could grab them and hold on. Anyone else have those?

Hi Trying

 

My first window in WD lasted just a few minutes.  My son was playing in his junior high school jazz band and the the look of pure joy on his face made me forget about all my issues and anxiety.  They cam flooding back soon after, but I was able to hang onto those few minutes, knowing that if I felt that good for a few minutes, I'd recover.  It took a while but I did.  You will too!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

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tryingtosurvive330

@mstimc I remember you telling me about your sons jazz band, which must have felt so nice. Did you ever have anything else that wasn’t related to that joy? For me, absolutely nothing happened. And I didn’t feel happy at all. I just had a couple seconds where I felt like, I’m ok, I can imagine in the future not having this stomach churning anxiety and maybe feeling content. Like I was not in a panic at that moment just for a brief moment. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
  • Mentor
1 minute ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Did you ever have anything else that wasn’t related to that joy? For me, absolutely nothing happened.

You mean did I ever feel just "okay"?  Yes.  Usually when I got so involved in something at work or working around the house; whatever I was doing diverted my thoughts, at least for a while.  I didn't feel "joyful" but I was able to let go.  What is really remarkable about those moments is that they can show you just how weak the anxious thoughts are.  The don't have much power if simple tasks can make them go away for a while.

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post

I have the same thing, I would be driving, and its like a light switch. I would feel like I am normal/ok/free, ready to tackle on anything. But only for like a minute. Then terror, restlessness, forever feeling like doom. It sucks. Before meds and on meds when they were "working" I was a happy go lucky, go with the flow type person. Now I am a shell of who I use to be, always scared, and not feeling like me. 

 

I even hate the times when I would be sitting on my couch watching tv and relaxing, then out of nowhere my body gets tense and scared. It feels like I want to just jump out and start running from something, but that something is not even there.

 

These drugs suck! 

 

 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

Link to post

Yeah Im with @mstimc, when I am doing things that I like, (hobbies, clean the house, listening to music, walk the dog, hanging out) it helps distract. It just sucks that I have to muster up the energy and mental state to do those things. Its like I know those things will help, but just making myself to do it can be a mental battle in itself. 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

Link to post
  • Mentor
1 minute ago, DiscJockey said:

Yeah Im with @mstimc, when I am doing things that I like, (hobbies, clean the house, listening to music, walk the dog, hanging out) it helps distract. It just sucks that I have to muster up the energy and mental state to do those things. Its like I know those things will help, but just making myself to do it can be a mental battle in itself. 

So true, DicJockey!  When you're in the depths of a wave, just getting out of bed takes a tremendous act of will.  But it does feel good to get things done--its own kind of therapy!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330
27 minutes ago, mstimc said:

What is really remarkable about those moments is that they can show you just how weak the anxious thoughts are.  The don't have much power if simple tasks can make them go away for a while.

I really like this and will try hard to remember it. Lately I’m so needy and people always have to remind me of things I already “know” (you’re not a bad person, you’re not a failure, people care about you, you still have a future. The last one is especially difficult for me). I really like how you noticed that the thoughts are weak. It makes me think, it’s not me who is weak even though I have that thought all day. When I felt the moment of being “okay”, I wasn’t working. I was just standing there outside in the yard letting my dog do the zoomies. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330
32 minutes ago, DiscJockey said:

even hate the times when I would be sitting on my couch watching tv and relaxing, then out of nowhere my body gets tense and scared. It feels like I want to just jump out and start running from something, but that something is not even there.

Yes, 100% that’s how I feel and I absolutely hate it and those are the moments I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. 

33 minutes ago, DiscJockey said:

These drugs suck! 

I truly started to wonder if these feelings are still the drugs and not just me. I feel like I’m losing sight of the fact that this is supposed to be WD. Sometimes I don’t know if I believe it anymore and I just think something is really wrong with me. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
  • Mentor

People who deal with anxiety often feel weak, but truly we are terrifically strong for getting through each day.  There’s nothing wrong with getting support from others.  I think most people like trying to help.  You do have a bright future; I learned to accept that I needed to take some time to heal, but that was nothing compared to a lifetime. You won’t be like this forever.  And if something as simple as watching your dog zip back and forth brings relief, just think how much more powerful purposeful mindfulness can be!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
25 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:
26 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Yes, 100% that’s how I feel and I absolutely hate it and those are the moments I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. 

I truly started to wonder if these feelings are still the drugs and not just me. I feel like I’m losing sight of the fact that this is supposed to be WD. Sometimes I don’t know if I believe it anymore and I just think something is really wrong with me. 

 

 

Yeah I always have to remind myself that its not me or my original condition as most of the doctors I have gone through would say. It's just our body trying heal and get back to its original state. Im the same with my dogs. When I feel good and stable taking them to a dog park to play and be zoomy gives me relief and a distraction. 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

Link to post

I just took my two freak dogs to the dog park.  It did make me happy to see them run around and have fun with the other dogs.  A lot of people were talking to me and one guy is real jumpy and manic, which usually doesn’t bother me, but today it did.  Oh well, another day in the books, kinda

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330

terrible sleep, worst in a few weeks


Feb24-Feb25

8:45am started work

9am .15mg escitalopram 

10am I had to go to the bathroom due to my churning stomach four times in the morning by this time

11:07am had the flash of “I can do this, I can be ok” for just a second

12pm very small lunch 

12:30pm ten minute dog walk. A loose dog ran out and she almost got into a fight and hurt it, stressful

1pm started working again but didn’t really do anything the whole afternoon. 
4:20pm 1 hour meeting which laid out the hundreds of things that need to be done at work which gave me no hope again. It’s too much. 
6pm dinner, small/medium portion 

8:20pm showered and took 20 min bath with some Epsom salt and baking soda. This bath and the last bath I took I felt antsy and didn’t want to be in there long, it didn’t feel relaxing like before

9-10pm was reading me thread ok here to see if I could notice any improvement. In the past I did but this time everything felt blurred together and I feel like I haven’t Improved

10:10pm was falling asleep reading my thread but was so tired I decided to fall asleep on the couch first

10:30pm woke up and moved upstairs.  Still tired but when I laid down was wide awake

12:30am fell asleep

3:20am woke up. Wide awake. Put on calm sleep sound

3:35am imagining how I would feel back at my house right now (still with mom). Wasn’t a good feeling where before I thought I’d be ok. Because I was feeling anxious for being wide awake. Wind is very strong right now and all the sounds of it are giving me anxiety and scaring me

4:45am moved back to couch and turned on tv because still couldn’t fall asleep. Started reading while tv was on

5:30am stopped reading moved back upstairs. Kept YouTube on and put on eye mask. Calm sleep sound still going. 
7am up. Probably slept 20 minutes since 5:30. Kept having flashes of anxiety and bad thoughts and nervousness in my body. I’m so tired and weak

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
DiscJockey

@tryingtosurvive330 bless you man! I have been there! Its not fun, it does get better. I'm getting antsy myself here at work. My job is real easy, laid back, but when I'm in withdrawal/tapering, the job sucks. My doctor gave me a note to have a week off next week. The doc wants to try to do a Prozac bridge in that week. I have not decided on it yet, going to look through this site and see how others did. My body is real sensitive to any changes. 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330

@DiscJockey thanks for your support, it means a lot. I also had a doctors note for a couple weeks but just to work shorter hours. My job is intense and I’m at the beck and call of the cfo and ceo, and it has been way too much for me to handle. I hope youre getting paid time off? I am thinking of taking a leave. Like a month or more. But the anxiety of not making enough money or losing my job, I don’t know. I know it’s protected but honestly there’s loopholes for everything. I was off for a couple weeks visiting family and I felt like I was kicked in the stomach when I came back Monday. How long have you been in withdrawal? Seems like you’ve been stacked up on meds and gosh I admire your positivity about it even though I know you’re feeling really bad too. 

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

Link to post
DiscJockey

@tryingtosurvive330 I was in bad wd back in July and took 4 months disability leave. Went back to work in October. Stable now, but being on 2 different srris confuses my body right now. There some days I feel ok and ready to do things, then there's days where I have that terror feeling all day, and burning sensation. It sucks! I brought that up with my doctor, hence why they suggest I try to attempt the Prozac bridge. My doc wanted to start that but not give me a doctor's note to stay off work for a week. I told them hell no! My body is sensitive to changes, and that it would be a hazard for me to try to work while changing drugs. But I do get paid time off, I just got to be cautious not use all the time in the books I have. If it gets bad like it did back in July I would probably go on disability leave again. Im hoping that doesn't happen. 

Various SSRIs since 2012.   

Jan 2012 started 50mg Zoloft for mild depression.

2014 increased Zoloft to 100mg 

2015 poop out of Zoloft. Started  Lexapro. Bad start effects, only a month on it. Then onto Effexor a month, bad start up effects. Then Prozac, had bad start up effects (serotonin syndrome).  Added anti-psychotic Risperadal, too strong, drooling from the mouth. 

2016 on different SSRIs, do not remember, on Effexor for about 1 month, quit cold turkey 2017. Lasted 2 months.

April 2017 back on Zoloft 200mg.   

May 2019 switched to Lexapro 30mg.   

Oct 2019 switched to Paxil 40mg

September 2020 on Lexapro 20mg and Paxil 9mg. 

December 2020 Lexapro 20mg  Paxil 8.82 (Tapering Paxil first by 2% drops every 4-6 weeks or until I feel stable to decrease)

Jan 2021 Lexapro 20mg Paxil 8.6mg

Link to post
tryingtosurvive330

@DiscJockey 4 months leave up north, wow. I might want to pick your brain because I think I have to take leave too. I could not handle today. The stress is going to make me crack. Definitely on the Prozac bridge, it’s good that you are firm about needing time to deal with that. This is no joke. Were you able to keep the same position after your four months?

Zoloft 100mg - June 2015-April 2018 - 2 month taper, had extreme antsiness (different from my normal anxiety) previously said 25mg, was wrong

Xanax 0.25-0.5mg - Aug 2018- Dec 2020 - Rarely took, probably less than every other month. Over 2020 holidays took 0.5mg 5-6times

Escitalopram 10mg - Aug 2018 - Nov 2020 - tapered over 5 months:

June 25 2020 - Aug 14 2020 - Can't remember what I did but assuming it was 5mg this whole time.

Aug 14 2020 - Oct 24th 2020?? - 2.5mg for awhile, then tried every 27 hrs...did some weird thing where I kept trying to extend the length of hours, up to 36. This is where my symptoms got bad but I was able to tolerate as it was more fatigue and irritability.

Oct 25 2020 - mid Nov 2020 - 1.25mg ever 24-36 hours, then I stopped completely. These are also estimates because I was cutting the pills and this is an eighth of 10mg but by this time, it was basically dust. I tried just having the dust toward the end.

Dec 27 2020 was when I began having major crying spells and depressive, empty/hopeless feeling dead thoughts. Had a couple ok days and a couple more really bad ones a week out.

Reinstated Escitalopram 0.15mg - Jan 12 2021 - doing my best to measure 0.15mg but it may be closer to 0.14-0.145mg

 

 

 

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