FallenKingdom: In desperate need of hope and support.

[FallenKingdom]

Hello, 

As my name may perhaps indicate, I have seemingly lost everything I once held very dear to me. If someone would’ve told me I would suffer in this manner aged only 19 years old, I would’ve called him flat out crazy. Yet, here I am, writing this wondering if sleeping tonight to wake up tomorrow is anything but worth it. I am at a complete loss of words. I am hoping somewhere here can restore some faith in what was once a brilliant existence to be on this planet, to wake up, and most importantly, to feel. 
My story begins quite early on, perhaps a few years ago back when I was in high school. As a rather socially awkward kid, I had retained my fair share of anxiety over the years. Though I was never depressed, I was always quite anxious. Over time, as a high achiever, this anxiety quickly manifested into much more than just the quirky social kind and developed into an obsession to become the best at pretty much everything with an insane amount of ambition. Though it was, at the time, quite bearable. Of course, that was until I graduated high school and left for university. Being alone in a foreign country certainly spiked my anxiety, but for the few months in my freshmen year of college, it remained dormant. As lockdown approached, this anxiety quickly manifested into Generalized Anxiety Disorder, DP/DR, and quite severe depression. After 8 months of suffering, I gave in and was encouraged (or rather forced) by my doctor and parents to take Lexapro. What was meant to save my life in reality is what brings me the most to end it. 
After only 3 weeks of being on Lexapro and Clonazepam, as well as a short stint of Wellbutrin, I had lost all flavor for life. Stricken with Anhedonia and emotional numbness, it was has been exactly 30 days since my last dose, and I only seem to becoming worse. I apologize for not going into heavy detail, but this is all my brain can chalk up right now. I had a bright future ahead of me, and these pills have seemingly taken it away. 
These are my symptoms: 

-Anhedonia 

-Emotional Numbness

- Akathisia (though I’m not certain if this is the proper term) 

- Muscle Weakness 

- Muscle Atrophy (could be due to other factors) 

- Weird bodily responses to temperature 

- Weird sensations in my forehead and brain, might be “brain-zaps”

- Loss of connection 

- Intense suicidal ideation 

I hope that someone can restore, even a small seed of, hope in me. I hope I can meet all of you and together we ride this journey. Perhaps it never ends, perhaps I will end it before it does, nothing is for certain, but that I am in dire need of your support. 
Please help. 

Edited February 16, 2021 by manymoretodays
name to title

[brassmonkey]

Hi FallenKingdom-- welcome to SA, I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry that you had to look. Things will get better, and you will return to a normal life. But it will probably be a bumpy road for a little while. The good thing is that you were only on the medications for 3 weeks before stopping. Actually that counts as a long time in the ADWD world and puts you right at the outside for stopping CT like you did.  Don't panic though. One thing we need you to do is to fill in a signature block with all the basic information about what happened and if you could start posting daily notes on the symptoms you are experiencing that would be quite helpful.

 

ADWD can be a very scary experience but we have a lot of information to help people understand what is happening to them. Here is a link to section 6 of a long article I wrote that talks about your situation. If you get a chance read the entire article, but please at least read this section.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/23081-are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/?tab=comments#comment-492494

 

We are experiencing a huge influx of new members ATM, so please bear with us if we seem to be a bit slow getting back to you, but we will try to answer any questions you have and there is almost always a moderator or mentor on line.

 

Again Welcome to the group.

[Amira]

Hello @FallenKingdom i am sorry you are having these symptoms, i know they are scary. They happen due to a hypersensitive nervous system. Do not worry. they will get better with time.

 

Are you off all medications now? How is your sleep? 

 

Take care

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by Amira

[FallenKingdom]

Hey Amira. Yes, I have been off all medication for one month now, though my symptoms have yet to improve. I’ve actually been sleeping more than usual, and I try to get in as much sleep as possible as I do not see the point in being awake anymore. I’m hoping that the symptoms begin to improve - the anhedonia is especially suffocating. The suicidal ideation is also hard to ignore. 

[Amira]

Great. try to get as much sleep as you can. It will help your brain recover.

 

I know about the anhedonia and the SI. They are horrible. My advice to you is to distract, burn time. and read the success stories.

 

 

It will pass do not worry.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Amira
Typo

[FallenKingdom]

Thank you and I really hope it does. I have no intention of letting these pharmaceutical companies take another life and go unnoticed. Whatever the cost may be, I’m going to reverse this hell. 
Nevertheless, today, upon waking, I noticed I felt better - slightly less weaker, more energy, and some slight glimmers of what seems to be emotion (small tingles in my body that resemble goosebumps). However, after taking a Vitamin D3 and Omega 3 supplement and exercising, I found myself much worse. I am wondering whether or not exercise is the root cause or the supplements, but I do not believe I will be taking the supplements again. Other than that, I am just being patient, and perhaps one day this misery will end. 

[Lucy1983]

Hi. Welcome to SA glad you found this saving site! 

[Amira]

On 2/2/2021 at 2:14 AM, FallenKingdom said:

Thank you and I really hope it does. I have no intention of letting these pharmaceutical companies take another life and go unnoticed. Whatever the cost may be, I’m going to reverse this hell. 
Nevertheless, today, upon waking, I noticed I felt better - slightly less weaker, more energy, and some slight glimmers of what seems to be emotion (small tingles in my body that resemble goosebumps). However, after taking a Vitamin D3 and Omega 3 supplement and exercising, I found myself much worse. I am wondering whether or not exercise is the root cause or the supplements, but I do not believe I will be taking the supplements again. Other than that, I am just being patient, and perhaps one day this misery will end. 

Hi, sorry for the late reply

 

I know i was healing when i started having more energy and feel tingles and goosebumps, i was so happy when they came back even for a short period of time because after they went i noticed a higher baseline. This means you are making progress and on the way to recovery.

 

 

Regarding the supplements, The moderators advice to start with a small dose, if you find you are still getting these bad reactions then it is better to stop them and support your body with proper nutrition through food and with sleep.

 

 

Edited February 4, 2021 by Amira

[Yesyes123]

Hey @FallenKingdom, you will heal! You are still so young and took these drugs for a very short time. I am 21 and took lexapro for 6 years - and I still found a way to heal! You WILL be better!

 

Now, what might help you is reinstatement. Let's wait for the mods to arrive.

 

Maybe if you start taking 0.1mg Lexapro you could feel lot better. Wish you lots of peace.

[Gurgle]

Hi. I won't read all of the posts on here but I just wanted to tell you @FallenKingdom that you will heal!! It will take time and this can be hard to accept initially, especially in the depths of the torment to accept the in the short term life will not be what you may have planned but it will be at some point and it will be worth it. I am not fully out of my withdrawal but am so much better to the point where I can enjoy life and have hope for the future of even more healing. If I can get this far so can you (at one point I was completely manic, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep (maybe 2 minutes a night for months), couldn't feel joy, had severe restless legs syndrome and persistent genital arousal disorder, akathasia, rages, non epileptic seizures, reactions to foods and chemicals, hyperacusis, tinnitus, brain Zaps, feeling dead, nightmares, thousands of flashing images when closing my eyes, 6 trips to A&E etc etc. I know on this site the aim is to get off all medication but I think for me, initially stabilising my histamine system helped. A couple of months on 4x 25mg promethazine daily ( spaced out in time) started to stabilise my system and I started to experience a minute without feeling suicidal. Dao ( diamine oxidase before every meal for a couple of months also helped with histamine.  I remember some months later when I looked at the clouds (which I have always loved) and I saw beauty in them again! I never thought it possible. It is true what they say on this site; ride out the waves even if they feel endless and one day you will get to the windows. Stare at that ceiling if you have to or the same spot on the wall; punch your pillow and scream if you need to but ride it out.  If you can, listen to Micheal Sealey on YouTube, (if you can engage at this point,), he has some great meditation but I understand that may not be possible- just yet. I found magnesium citrate and b6 helpful too. I wish you well. You will get there. ♥️ 

[FallenKingdom]

I don’t believe so. I have just read the first ten cases that appeared after searching about emotional bluntness, and none of them have improved. For now, I think my best course of action is to commit suicide and I am currently planning exactly how to do that, won’t be for a couple of months though. However, when I am closer, I will be in contact with one of you for the details of my death - it can be used as evidence towards bringing down these pharmaceutical companies. I will try to be more active in this forum, but there is no indication that I’m going to get better and I doubt I will. Thank you and may death come quick and swift. I do not understand how but I still feel medicated. Death is my only option unfortunately and within a few weeks to months I will do it. 

[Gurgle]

@FallenKingdomPlease believe me,that you will get better. I had emotional bluntness as you put it for a very long time, after the months of mania calmed. For a time I felt I wanted and needed to cry but couldn't. I couldn't see what was in front of me. I tried to look at photos to jog my memory of what feeling was like but I could barely see them or make sense of what I was looking at. I felt dead already and to my family I looked dead behind the eyes. Please speak to someone close to you; you need looking after. Your system needs time to reset. I attempted to commit suicide in withdrawal but the thing I hanged myself on failed . A couple of months later I ran away with the intention of once again commuting suicide but the police found me before I did. A month after (after 3 months on a reinstated dose of 1mg of citalopram (which I don't think helped, incidentally), and 4 x promethazine a day (which I think started to stabilise my histamine system), I had a minute in the day where I didn't feel suicidal. It was a very gradual healing through windows and waves . I had to have a strategy to get through the waves ( look at photos, sit in the bath for hours, roll around in bed in torment but safe, go outside, try to listen to Micheal Sealey meditation even if it means nothing at the time). I know you think your case is different but I can assure you I have been to the depths of hell and life is worth living on the other side and your body can heal. Take a high dose vitamin c, take magnesium throughout the day (you could try some b6 with it too to help turn glutamate to gaba but be careful with supplements bas you may be sensitive). If you can't eat, try to have meal replacements shakes. I kept on setting dates for my suicide until I didn't need to anymore. I still have intermittent suicidal ideation but it's nothing I cant deal with, whereas at one point it consumed me and everything I looked at, I studied to consider how I could kill myself in that scenario/place. Please speak to your family and show them these messages. YOU WILL GET BETTER. Write a note to yourself to say 'this wave will pass' and look at it when you feel it won't. The first wave may seem never ending but it will. 

[Yesyes123]

You were on it for such a short time! You will heal! Please understand this!

[Amira]

 

Hi

 

I am sorry you are feeling bad

Aeroman
Pug
Risperdalhater
Jemima
imac

Charliebrown
nicolantana
EthanC
Matisse
Purplestars22
Irishwill
Nadia

HappilyDerailed

Petunia

Altostrata

Judith

Nsr99

 

These members had anhedonia and recovered completely. You can contact them in private for more reassurance. You are only 1 month off. Please give it more time. It gets better.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Amira

[Amira]

These are anhedonia recovery stories from benzobuddies website:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=180521.0

 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=84857.0

 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=b5q4b2l29gmt7bmkgd0p2o9t72&topic=74108.0

 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=209768.50

 

 

 

 

 

[Yesyes123]

@FallenKingdom I have so much to tell you. I'll write you a message here very soon. We all have those feelings. Feelings come and go. 

[FallenKingdom]

Are there any recovery stories for those who took the drug for a short period of time? It seems that people who had an immediate adverse reaction rarely ever recover. I am trying to calculate my chances of recovery and that will determine my course of action, though it’s increasing likely that I am not one of those who go back to normal. A few pills and my life is completely out of the window. No one pays for it, you sweep it under the rug and move on, but I’m certain I’m going to make them pay and recognize what they have done to me. This is not a choice and I encourage anyone who has been afflicted for long to stop being quiet about this. There is nothing left to lose. 

[Yesyes123]

@FallenKingdom 

 

Dude, I am a 21 year old guy who has been on Lexapro since I was 15. I am totally normal - I have a girlfriend, I work, I do all sorts of stuff.

 

Last year I tried to come off of it,

 

and had the ABSOLUTE worst time of my LIFE. I was, like you, planning how I would check out (end my life).

 

We were basically in the same place.

 

It's been 4 months and I am basically back to normal now!!!!!

 

I still have moments of mild anxiety/ cortisol spikes but I am basically myself again, if I manage to avoid things that stress me!

 

Listen man - when we are that low, we feel like there's no way out. We feel like there's NO WAY it will ever get better. It's what our brain does when we are in that situation.

 

I was EXACTLY where you are 4 months ago. Now, the idea that I wanted to kill myself seems so stupid. We all heal.

 

How did I get better so fast?

 

I Reinstated Lexapro.

 

What dosage were you taking? I assume 10mg, which is the most common. If you were only 1 month off, I'd recommend you to start taking 5mg Lexapro again. It might work very well for you. Let's wait for the mods to confirm this, tho. 

 

Just don't kill yourself. You can do whatever else you want. You can always kill yourself later. What you can't do tho is go back once you killed yourself.

 

Just do anything else. Also, breathing exercises might seem stupid, but if you give them a chance, I swear it might change the game for you. 

 

Here's one I urge you to do, if it seems dumb, if it seems absolutely stupid, just do it anyway: 

 

You'll be thankful you decided to push through.

 

I'm here for you.

 

[FallenKingdom]

Unfortunately, however, I seem to not suffer from withdrawal. I only took the pills for around 2-3 weeks and I’ve been suffering since. It is some kind of iatrogenic change and I have yet to see one recovery story from someone who was on the pills for less than a month. It’s permanent. 

[FallenKingdom]

Does hair loss come back after withdrawal? 

[Yesyes123]

It sounds a lot to me like withdrawal @FallenKingdom. You have pretty much every withdrawal symptom. Whatever it is, there's no way it's permanent. The worst case scenario is it lasting a long time. Our brains are always changing and every 7 years every molecule in our body is renewed. Even if you wanted it, it wouldn't be permanent.

[Gurgle]

You will get better. We all believe we won't but we do. Xx Do you have family bsupport? X♥️

[dirtvoid]

I feel you. about 3-4 weeks on anti-psychotics when I was 15 led me to have such adverse effects and withdrawal as my psychiatrist switched the drug and had me try and fail at suicide, leading to lengthy stay in a psychiatric unit that traumatised me. Since then I have been on over 25 psychiatric drugs, I'm 27 and disabled.. BUT even as I struggle and suffer my life is still very much worth living, It has purpose and meaning and I have dedicated it to campaigning against psychiatry through my art. If you really want to stick it to psychiatry and the pharmaceutical companies, stay alive - stay alive out of spite, tell your story, keep speaking your truth, your story is far more valuable if you are alive to tell it. You matter. Your life matters. Your pain matters. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. But as someone surviving the same hell, I hear you and I'm with you.  This fight is not futile. 

[FallenKingdom]

As of today, the 18th of February, I’ve decided these are my last couple of hours on Earth. Thanks to everyone that tried to support me, but it’s very clear that I will not be one of those who do recover. This website pushes that everyone recovers, but after thorough research, it’s clear that those who do end up recovering, especially those who develop it immediately on the drug, almost never recover. From the hundreds of stories of those who developed an immediate reaction, I have seen only one recovery story. Today marks another life taken away by psychiatric medication, and trust me, no one gives a ****. Who cares about a 19 year old kid who just lost his life, we can sell these pills and people will be forced to take them for the rest of their live! **** antidepressants, **** doctors, and **** life as well. 
Everything has changed. These pills did not leave a single thing for me to enjoy, and I would love to beat down the men that come and tell me the pills did not do this. I won’t live another minute if that’s all I hear. 
I’m out. I really hope everybody on here recovers, but the truth is only one from three hundred stories will. And for those of you who have an immediate adverse reaction, trust me the chances of recovery are slim. Don’t fill your hearts with hope. 
I’m out. And I’d love for the moderators to censor this, so that once again the psychiatric industry can have another win. I challenge them to keep this so that people know what these drugs cause. 
Im out.
 

DOB: 2001. 
Gender: Male

Cause of Death: Antidepressants 

[Yesyes123]

@FallenKingdom when I started researching Lexapro stories, I wanted to kill myself too. There seem to be very few success stories, and those who succeed struggle very much in order to do so.

 

What is real is that most of the people who recover won't come back to let us know how well they're doing - they put it behind them, and go on with their lives.

 

If you decide to end your life, none of us here can interfere. You have your free will. But then that's it. That's the end.

 

If you choose to give yourself a chance and wait a few more months to see how you react, then you have the chance to be surprised to see yourself actually getting better.

 

It's your choice dude, you can go ahead and choose to check out, or you can choose to stick around

 

Try not to be so overwhelmed by the lack of success stories. There are lots you'll never know about.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

On 2/18/2021 at 10:51 PM, FallenKingdom said:

As of today, the 18th of February, I’ve decided these are my last couple of hours on Earth. Thanks to everyone that tried to support me, but it’s very clear that I will not be one of those who do recover. This website pushes that everyone recovers, but after thorough research, it’s clear that those who do end up recovering, especially those who develop it immediately on the drug, almost never recover. From the hundreds of stories of those who developed an immediate reaction, I have seen only one recovery story. Today marks another life taken away by psychiatric medication, and trust me, no one gives a ****. Who cares about a 19 year old kid who just lost his life, we can sell these pills and people will be forced to take them for the rest of their live! **** antidepressants, **** doctors, and **** life as well. 
Everything has changed. These pills did not leave a single thing for me to enjoy, and I would love to beat down the men that come and tell me the pills did not do this. I won’t live another minute if that’s all I hear. 
I’m out. I really hope everybody on here recovers, but the truth is only one from three hundred stories will. And for those of you who have an immediate adverse reaction, trust me the chances of recovery are slim. Don’t fill your hearts with hope. 
I’m out. And I’d love for the moderators to censor this, so that once again the psychiatric industry can have another win. I challenge them to keep this so that people know what these drugs cause. 
Im out.
 

DOB: 2001. 
Gender: Male

Cause of Death: Antidepressants 

Hi.... people do recover from immediate reactions, please don’t give up hope. We all care about u in this site, cause u are going through WD and feel ur pain. 

[Colonial]

Just checking in to see how your symptoms have changed or progressed.

Whether You ended upon a different med after going to hospital or if You just stuck it out.

Let us know how your doing.